Disclaimer: Does anyone ever read this anymore? Metal Gear isn't mine, yadda, yadda…
"Shnake, are you okay?" Colonel Campbell asked. Ever since Meryl had disappeared, he'd been drinking a hell of a lot of cheap alcohol.
"I'm not sure. Hmm… Let's see. I'm currently locked in a cell. I recently experienced painful electric shocks. And the countdown until the terrorists turn a city into dust is still going. ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT? I AM IN DEEP TROUBLE YOU MORON!"
"-hic- You're my besht friend."
"Right…" Naomi sighed. "How's Meryl?"
"…".
Naomi repeated. "Snake, how's Meryl?"
"…"
"SNAKE!"
"… what?"
"How's Meryl? And why weren't you talking?"
"Oh, uh, well, I figured you'd be giving me another gene speech, so I tuned you out. Sorry about that. Anyways, yeah, I don't know where Meryl is.".
"Thish callsh for a shot!" A drunk as Hell Colonel Campbell said.
"Uh, Roy, no, this is bad. It doesn't call for a shot.".
"Awwww. Anywaysh, I guessh It'sh time to arbitrarily inform you that the White Houshe has refushed to give in to the demandsh.".
"Y'know, I heard the exact same thing from Liquid and the other villains…".
"-hic!- Oh yeah… Did he tell you that erm, er yeah, Metal Gear firesh a new type of nuke! Ishn't that aweshome?".
"Wait, you knew about this from the start!" Snake growled.
Naomi tried to cover up "Er, uh, plausible deniability, the president didn't know it, and nobody thought that you, the guy who trashed two Metal Gears in the past, would wonder anything about REX's new abilities.".
"And any other reasons?".
Ignoring Naomi's attempt to keep him from spouting off classified intel, the now completely fucking wasted Campbell continued to spill everything. "Oh yesh, and the Preshident ish shigning a new anti-nuke treaty tomorrowsh! That'sh like, really funny! And he shaysh that he doeshn't like the ideash of a genome army!".
Snake dropped to his knees. Christ. Does no one think I care why I'm being sent to a deadly terrorist stronghold? I know that I get constantly lied to by these bastards, but this is getting kinda over-the-top here. And by kinda, I mean "REALLY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING over-the-top…After some more moping, our hero noticed the rotting corpse of Mister Anderson. No, not the bad actor that fought Elrond in the Matrix, I meant Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief.
"AHHHH! ZOMBIE PENCIL PUSHER!".
Of course, this isn't an RE fic, so the corpse just sat there, rotting while bugs crawled over it. I'd like to know what kind of bugs can live in the Alaskan permafrost, and only appear when a corpse needs to look extra rotting.
"Snake, what's wrong? Answer me! Snake… SNAAAAAAKE!".
"Jesus. Naomi, I'm sorry about the false alarm. Eh, it's just they flung me in the same cell as the DARPA Chief's corpse, and it's all icky and gross and stuff.".
"But he died 10 hours ago. He can't possibly be decomposed that bad.".
"And it's like all his blood's been drained out. Weird.".
"Yeah, anyways, Snake, seeing as how you are currently what we in the medical profession refer to as "screwed", let's have a pointless chat on family, instead of trying to figure out why someone would drain the chief's blood.".
"Yeah, I mean, I should be focused on escaping, but what harm could babbling about our everyday lives bring about?"
"So… yeah, family's not a good topic for me. It's kinda complicated. What about your family, Snake?".
"I burned my biological father to death with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.".
BACK IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL…
"-kssssssh- A can of hairspray?".
"It's a long story.".
"And here I thought the 'second controller' was an ignoble way to die. –kssssssssh-.".
"Fuck you.".
"Guys? Can I come in yet?".
"Excuse me, my mistake. Fuck you BOTH.".
BACK IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING…
"Man, the greatest soldier ever, dying like a complete pansy. That's just awesome." Naomi said, earning her a coveted 'Fuck you' from Big Boss.
"So that's cold blooded patricide, the trauma me and Mantis share, etc. What about your family?".
"I had an older brother, not a blood relation. Died in some sort of minefield brawl mishap.".
"Sad to here that. Ah well, at least I got my friends, Colonel Roy Campbell..."
"YOU DA' MAN SHNAKE!".
"… right. And of course, my Old buddy, Gray Fox.".
"Didn't you kill him too?".
"Yeah, but he was a badass. It wasn't personal, just my job.".
"That's horrible! Even from a totally neutral, non-revenging standpoint, that's pretty reprehensible.".
"Yeah, pretty much. So, how did you get so hooked on genetics?".
"To find out who I really am. You see, genetics store memory and control fate and …".
"Yeah. I get the point. Wow, your long winded diatribes don't seem as completely irrational anymore…".
"And despite your murdering, sociopathic, unjustifiable bloodlust, I don't think you're a complete asshole anymore…"
"I LIKE SHCISSHHORS!".
"Thank you for ruining this brilliant character moment, Roy.". With that, our hero signed off, and decided to plan his brilliant escape. Hmm… Escaping this Cell will require tact, guile, and the brilliant skills I've gleaned from years of mercenary work…
"Grr… that witch. Atchoo! She took my clothes. And now my cold is worse. And I've got diarrhea. This is the worst day of my life. Hell, even worse than the time at Outer Heaven when that guy with the bandanna kicked my ass…" The nearby guard moaned.
Screw tact and guile, this'll be a snap…
5 minutes of poorly thought out planning later…
"Hey, nerd." Snake said over the CODEC.
"Snake, don't call me a nerd. It hurts my self esteem!".
"And electricity fucking hurts my body. I've been captured and tortured. I need some help.".
"Captured and tortured? Egad! Where are they keeping you?".
"The room with the big ass torture machine in it.".
"Oh. I'll be right there.".
With Otacon on his way, Snake decided to start phase II of his brilliant escape plan. "Hey, guard.".
"Shaddap in there, willya!".
"Listen, please let me go.".
"Shaddap in there, willya!".
"You are a fucking moron.". And that's compared to Snake there, folks.
"Shaddap in there—oh Jesus! My stomach! Urgh!" And with that, Johnny proceeded to run straight through the external door of the jail area, into the torture room, and into the nearby restroom. While he was gone, Otacon showed up.
"Are you okay, Snake?".
"Let's recap. Tortured. Shirtless. Locked up with a dead guy. Shirtless. Lacking any weaponry or gear. Shirtless. Bored as hell. Shirtless. Do you get my point?".
"Ah. So, I guess you want to escape, so here's some supplies.".
"Let's see here… A bottle of ketchup, one of those magical rations, another keycard, and a handkerchief. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!".
"Er… I uh…".
"Hell, you could've used the keycard to get me some C-4, then I could blow the goddamn lock off. But no, I have a condiment and a tissue. Brilliant! Where'd you even get that tissue?".
"Sniper Wolf gave it to me. She's nice to me.".
Snake ignored that dreamy, happy quality when Otacon said 'Sniper Wolf', and replied "That witch. She shot Meryl. I'll kill her when I get out.".
"C'mon Snake, she saved all the dogs. I mean, if she likes dogs, she must be a good person, right?". That was it. The sheer, concentrated idiocy in the conversation overtook Snake, who fell over in a fetal position.
"Dear God, what have I done to have this inflicted on me?".
"Snake, I gotta go, the guards coming back."
"Why don't you use your invisibility and take him out? Jesus, it's not like that'd be hard. It's Johnny Freakin' Sasaki.".
"But I'm no soldier.".
"I doubt that Sasaki even counts as a sentient being, much less a soldier.".
"Er, Away with me!" Otacon yelled, turning on his camo and running away.
Sighing, Snake resigned himself to using Plan B. He waited until Sasaki was right outside the cell door, the perfect distance, Snake lined up and prepared himself for the attack…
"Hey, sickly guard guy, want some ketchup?".
"Ketchup? Oh boy!".
And so, Johnny opened the door, rushed in, and closed the door behind him. He then readily readily held out his hands, "Gimme ketchup!".
Snake complied and watched as Johnny greedily consumed the precious tomato-based food covering thing. "Okay, we're friends now. So, can you let me out of here?".
"Sorry, can't do that.".
"But, I gave you ketchup.".
"No, I mean physically, I can't. I just remembered when I closed the door, it doesn't open from the inside. Hey, what's with that glance?".
"Bad news, bub. You just pissed me off.".
"Uh, so, what are you gonna do?".
BAM!
WHACK!
CRUNCH
POW!
RANDOM PUNCH NOISE!
CRACK!
And so, Snake was trapped in his cell, with just a dead government official, and a comatose terrorist as company. All of a sudden, his radar shorted out, that creepy ninja gurgling music started playing, and a stealth camo silhouette showed up.
"Otacon?"
SLICE!
"Ah, Otacon, I knew you'd be back, with a plan to get me free that wasn't completely goddamn retarded.". Of course, that's roughly when the door fell into two pieces, the silhouette flashed and leapt away. Snake immediately turned on his CODEC.
"Otacon, did you just rush into the torture room, slice the cell door in half, and then backflip away?".
"No, but couldn't you escape on your own, with the supplies I got?".
"What was I supposed to do?"
"Use the ketchup as fake blood to fool the guard into entering your cell, whereupon you'd beat him senseless.".
"That's idiotic. That'd require MacGuyver like ingenuity.".
"Hey, you killed Big Boss with a aerosol can, right? Anyways, you look like MacGuyver.".
MEANWHILE, IN THE PERILOUS DEPTHS OF BB's APARTMENT…
"Why the fuck does everyone have to keep mentioning that! WHY!".
BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…
"I look nothing like MacGuyver.".
"If you grew a mullet, I swear you'd look like him.".
"Trust me, geekface, Solid Snake will NEVER be scene with a mullet. Hell, the odds of a mulleted me are about as likely as me getting replaced by a effeminate albino guy with an annoying girlfriend.". With that, Snake signed off, and proceeded to rushinto the torture room, grabbing his gear.
Five secondslater, the now fully-clothed, fully-armed Solid Snake stood at the foot of the Communication tower. Man, I'm glad to be out of that cell. It felt like I was in there for five months.But hey,my good buddyGray Fox busted me out, and now I'm ready to get some payback.Anyways, let's bring on the next obligatory plot device…
Oh, if he only new the backflipping, slow-motion perils that stood before him.
Author's note: Well, Another chapter down. As much as I'd like to say expect the next chapter soon, I have been way busier in school and work than last year, so it's kinda unlikely that you'll be seeing it, at least for a while. Sorry.