Disclaimer: Metal Gear. Not mine.
Solid Snake, infamous badass Black Ops guy, slowly walked down the hall of the first floor of Comm. Tower A. Wow. Not even a single guard posted. Good thing too, my radar's been jammed. Man. Wonder how anyone can be so dumb as to leave an area this huge so unguarded. That's promptly when Snake walked under the magical plot device cannot be jammed surveillance camera. Oh… FUCK!
And so, Snake began running down the hall as numerous FGs rushed down the corridor from whence he came. Despite being chased by at least 3 guards, Snake stopped to pick up a nylon rope while he ran his ass off. Hmm… okay, guys are shooting at me. Guess this is the perfect time to get some rope…
And so, after retrieving the cord, Snake proceeded to run like hell up the conveniently placed enormously huge staircase, while the guards followed. Then Snake remembered something. He was Solid Fucking Snake, and had a pocketful of rations and enough ammo to win World War III. Screw running…
FG 90210 had been closest to Snake, and he was eager to recapture the bandana'd one. "Don't let him get –HURK!" he yelled to his colleagues, as Snake put him a chokehold, and proceeded to use him as a human shield.
"Nobody move, or you're friend dies."
"Dude, that guy's an asshole. Hell, you'd be doing us a favor."
"Enough of a favor for you to let me go?"
"No."
"Oh. In that case, uh, DIE!" Snake said, shoving 90210 into the crowd and opening fire with his FAMAS.
Sighing, he turned his back from the grisly scene in front of him, and proceeded to climb the staircase.
And climb…
And climb…
And climb…
And… screw this, let's just skip to the next interesting part, 'kay?
As Snake reached the 20th flight of stairs, he suddenly realized why Naomi had a problem with him smoking. And so, as he leaned heavily on the railing, wheezing and coughing like that 4-armed robot sith guy from Star Wars, the rest of the guards in the tower that Snake hadn't killed approached him from all sides.
"Don't move!"
"-kaff- What?"
"Freeze!"
"Aw, come on man. Can't you let a guy cough his lungs up in peace?"
"No.".
"Aw fuck, we already did this. DIE!"
And so, as Snake reached out to grab the nearest FG and pummel him with his kung fu, the rest of the guards charged at him. Unfortunately, one of the guards shoelaces was untied. As he tripped, the rest of the guards fell. Pretty soon, everybody was just tangled up in a ball.
"Wha?"
"Dude, let go of me!"
"Jesus Christ, I'm the one being crushed here, just back off!"
"Okay… let's see. I think I now how we all can get loose. Snake, try to wriggle free of FG 19. FG 47 shift your weight backwards until…"
"Dude, we're rolling. That's not good."
And so, the hero and his evil katamari rolled down the stairs…
And down…
Anyways, FG 90210, who had managed to survive the earlier massacre, had already managed to limp to the 10th floor, when suddenly, as he looked up, he saw a nightmare he had after he got drunk and watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and Soylent Green… a giant sphere bearing down on him… and it was made of people. PEOPLE!
"Oh shit."
And so, Snake and his slightly larger Katamari of evil continued rolling down the stairs, until it reached the ground floor and struck a wall, knocking half it's occupants out.
"Jesus Christ man, that hurt."
"I can't feel my legs."
"Eh, walk it off…"
"Where'd Snake go?"
"I dunno, hey, what's that on you're back?"
"Whaddaya mean, what's on my back?"
"Looks like clay."
"How'd I get a block of clay on my back?"
"I dunno. Hmm… it's beeping. Weird…"
"Yeah, weird. Wait, clay, beeping, that's not normal…"
"Aw fuck!"
-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-
And so, after having wasted all the terrorists with a single block of C-4, Snake turned and thought to himself. Ah, now all the guards are dead, and I am free to continue on my mission, by climbing all… these… stairs… again. FUCK!
And so, after Snake reached the top of the staircase (where he promptly passed out), he climbed the ladder leading up… to the Roof of Comm. Tower A.
"Okay Snake" Otacon said over the CODEC, "All you need to do now is cross the narrow, unprotected, totally exposed bridge connecting the two segments of the Communications tower.
"That's it?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well, don't bridges have a tendency to be hazardous?"
"What do you mean? Bridges can never be dangerous. Be realistic here."
2001: Zanzibar Land Crisis…
"C'mon Snake, all we've got to do to rescue Doctor Marv is cross this bridge, enter the detention camp, and find his cell. It'll be easy."
"Sure, whatever you say Natasha. Ladies and nerdy scientists first. Man, this is a good sturdy bridge here…". That's promptly when a missle blasted the bridge to Hell.
-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-
"Snake!" A familiar voice shouted.
"Fox!" Snake yelled back at his old warbuddy, Gray Fox, who wasn't a completely freaking badass cyborg ninja yet. Oh yes, he was freaking badass, but not completely freaking badass. Or a cyborg. Or a ninja. Or a masochist. Or however many other careers that he had as of chapter 10.
"Snake, we're buddies. I'll let you live if you just walk away."
"Never!"
"Come on Snake, don't make me kill you. I don't want to use this cool mech to kill my friends. I just want a chaotic world so I can be with my girlfriend, Natasha."
"Uh, wow. That's kinda ironic…"
"What was that?"
"Er, nothing…"
1964: Operation Snake Eater
"Snake! We've got to destroy that bridge!" Eva yelled, stopping her motorcycle so that Naked Snake, infamous badass Black Ops guy, could have a clear shot at the explosives on the bridge.
"SNAKE! It's not over yet!" Colonel Volgin screamed from inside the armored hide of the Shagohod. Unfortunately, his only means for getting to Snake (to prove how really not over it was) was said bridge. Two well-placed SVD shots later and…
-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-
1964: Virtuous Mission
"Boss? What are you doing hear?" Naked Snake asked his mentor.
"Me, hornet guy, Boba Fett guy, the breaks his own limbs invisible guy, and really old sniper guy are all going to help Volgin overthrow Kruschev. And rekidnap that nerd you got there. And blow up America.". That's promptly when hornet guy and breaks his own limbs invisible guy grabbed Sokolov and ran.
"Really, me and my gun here say differently…" Snake said.
AMAZING CQC ACTIONY GUNBREAK THING!
"Okay, screw the gun. Me and my knife here say differently…"
AMAZING CQC ACTIONY ARMBREAK THING!
"Ahhhh! That really fucking hurt…"
"Who the fuck is that guy?" Colonel Volgin asked.
"Oh, he's my apprentice."
"What?"
"Two there should be, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."
"Cool, Boss, can I get a lightsaber then?" Snake asked. Of course, I think we all know the Boss's response…
AMAZING CQC ACTIONY TOSS SNAKE OFF OF A BRIDGE THING!
"Okay Otacon, I guess you're right. Onto the bridge." Snake said as he turned of the CODEC.
As he approached the narrow bridge over a huge gap, Snake could think of only one thing… I wonder if they get STARZ on that giant ass satellite dish…
All of a sudden, a barrage of missiles flew past him, and blasted the giant ass satellite dish to kingdom come…
-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-
"Damn!" Snake yelled.
"Snaaaaaake!" Our evilly voiced British friend yelled out. "I'm afraid I can't let you get past here."
"Liquid!" Snake said, obviously shocked at the fact that Liquid would be doing what he did at the goddamn start of the game, piloting a Hind-D.
"You're not going any farther. DIE!"
Rushing to the side of the Comm. Tower, Snake looked down. About halfway down the side, there was another connecting bridge.
Again, it was about halfway down the 200+ foot tall tower.
"It's a long way down. If only I had a rope. I should be able to use that rope I got." And no, I'm not making that up. He actually said he needed a rope, then suddenly remembered he had one since the beginning of this chapter.
"What are you going to do? Take on a Hind with your bare hands?" Liquid mocked. And Snake actually considered it, seeing as the Hind seemed to be pieced together with duct tape and superglue. But then he decided to just go down the side of the building.
Tying the rope to the railing at the side, Snake proceeded to leap off the side of the building. It was at that moment, when gravity began to tug him down, when Liquid proceeded to demolish the roof with more missiles, that Snake had an epiphany: I'm leaping down the side of a building, holding a single nylon rope, while being hounded by an attack chopper. WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS!
So join us for our next exciting chapter, when Snake finds out how to make rappelling without a safety harness, while being attacked by a helicopter even more extreme: exploding steam vents. Also, We go for an in depth look at how missiles and common sense are trumped by backflips and love blossoming on a battlefield.
Author's note: Wow. This is the first time since about chapter 5 that an update hasn't been horribly delayed. Yay me!