Disclaimer: Metal Gear still does not belong to Doom. CURSE YOU REED RICHARDS!

Solid Snake stood in front of the elevator control panel in Comm Tower B. Otacon had fixed it, promptly before informing Snake that it was strange and ominous. And so, as the elevator ascended to Snake's level, he mentally prepared himself for whatever evil may have been lurking in the lift. Nothing can surprise me. Whatever dark horror that haunts the dreams of the bravest men… whatever Lovecraftian terror bursts from the tortured depths of that damned lift…I will not be stopped… oh, this is just a fucking empty elevator. Gypped. And so, Snake boarded the damned device, quickly gathering his thoughts for the journey ahead.

­BEEEP!

"Aah! Strange beeping noise!" Our hero screamed as he jumped like a little girl. Realizing that the beep was just a weight limit warning, he regained his composure and pressed the button. And all was well… until Hal Emmerich called…

"Snake, I kinda need to say something to you…"

"Is it another love on the battlefield thing?"

"No, of course not."

"Are you sure?"

"Er, yeah…"

"Then hurry it up…"

"There were five stealth camouflage prototypes in my lab."

"Then why the hell didn't you give me one when we first met? It could've saved me a mighty fuckload of trouble. Bastard."

"Snake, think of the situation my way. If you had been kidnapped by terrorists, threatened by a ninja, insulted by a crazy jackass with a bandanna, and were in dire need of a change of pants, would you remember every little detail?"

"Er, okay, I guess you have a point there…"

"Anyways, after getting the elevator working I returned to my lab…"

"Wait. You finished fixing this thing five minutes ago, how can you be back at your lab?"

"I ran through a plot hole… anyways, there were five suits. I'm wearing one. So that makes four extra suits."

"This ain't first grade math class.".

FLASHBACK TO SNAKE'S FIRST GRADE CLASS, 197X

"Okay, who can answer this question? What is five minus one?"

"Teachew?"

"Yes, what is it Dave?"

"Wen awe we ever going to need dis? I mean, fwankly, I am pwanning on joining the military when I grow up, and math is kinda wetarded." Yes, aside from a slight speech impediment, Solid Snake sounded exactly the fucking same back than as he did now.

"Snake, imagine if, in the military, you were trapped on an elevator with four guys. Then, you find out that your nerd friend had made five invisibility systems, and took one. Now, that would leave four suits for the guys to take."

"That's weally fucking stupid. I'd never be in a situwation where dat could happen to me. You suck."

And now, you know the story of how Snake got the crap kicked out of him by a first grade teacher.

BACK… TO THE FUTURE!

"Yeah, well, when I got back to the lab those four suits were missing…"

"Er, aw fuck."

"Yeah, and another thing. That elevator wasn't really broken. It was more like someone was holding it, ominously…"

"This isn't going to end well."

"Oh, and the weight limit for that elevator is 650 pounds, but I'm a skinny geek and I set it off."

"And so…"

Suddenly, Otacon's picture on the CODEC viewscreen became an uncomfortably tight close up. "SNAKE! THOSE FOUR GUYS WHO STOLE MY STEALTH SUITS ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!"

And now, despite the magic, time-freezing abilities of the CODEC, one of the guards yelled out "Too late Snake, now die!". Forget the fact that nobody else in the game, aside from Snake, could hear the conversation. Nor the fact that time usually stopped when Snake used the damn thing. Snake was suddenly attacked from all sides by for invisible genome soldiers.

I would like to point out that FGs 61, 62, 63, and 64 were smart enough to wear stealth suits and sneak up on Snake, but still not bright enough to decide against standing in the corners of the elevator and shooting towards the center, where Snake was standing. And so, Snake heroically crouched.

"OW!"

"You retards! Shoot at him! At him!"

"Oh God man, I'm bleeding man!"

"Everything's… going… dark…"

And so, the moral of the story is this: If you're smart enough to turn invisible, be smart enough to avoid shooting your invisible friends.

And so, after letting the guards waste each other, the elevator reached the bottom floor of the communications tower. Quickly exiting the tower, Snake surveyed the area… Hmm… a parachute strung up around some trees near the HIND wreckage… wonder what that signifies…

"Colonel… I found a parachute over by the wreckage of the hind…"

"Shnake… it'sh probably a messhage…" slurred our friend, the tanked Colonel Campbell.

"Like 'I'll string you up?"

"Eggshactly. Be carefulsh Shnake."

"Understood…".

Meanwhile, hidden by the wall between Snake and the trees the parachute was stuck on, Liquid was cursing inwardly. He escaped the burning chopper, but now he was stuck in a tree, as the buckle to his parachute refused to come undone. So there you have it, the main villain in the game had now become as equally dangerous and threatening as a marionette… Accursed tree. Congratulations motherfucker, you've been put on the list. In fact I think you should be at the number two spot on my list. Yeah, that's right. Once I settle with Snake and claim what has been denied to me all my life, you are next. You will pay dearly for the embarrassment you've put me through. I will make sure that there will be nothing left of you for any hippies to lament, not a trace of… aw fuck, there's a squirrel. "Uh, hi little fella…" Liquid whispered. "Do you think you could help me out and chew through these parachute straps for me? That'd be nice.". Unfortunately for Liquid, Shadow Moses was a nuclear disposal site. And if 1950s B-movies have taught us anything, it's that anything with the word "Nuclear" in it not only causes the fauna to be larger than normal, but also incredibly hostile to mankind.

Back with our hero, Snake ignored the screams of "Aaaaaaaaaah! My face!" coming from behind the wall, attributing them to oncoming PTSD or hyporthermia-induced dementia. So he continued his scouting of the area. Hmm…there's PSG-1 ammo and Diazepam nearby, wolves howling in the distance, and the fact that I'm standing out in the open in the middle of a giant fucking snowfield where I'd be a sniper's ideal target…wonder what's gonna happen next…our hero thought as he walked forward…

BLAM!

A 5.56 NATO bullet from a certain sniper's PSG-1 came and knocked our hero on his ass. Memo to self: Campers suck.

"Snake! Are you okay?" Otacon yelled over the CODEC.

"Otacon… you saw me get shot?"

"Er… yeah?"

"But I thought you were in your lab. Remember, you called me right before the elevator fight?"

"Leapt through another plot hole."

"Ah. Anyways, whoever shot me had to be an excellent sharpshooter."

"It's her!" Otacon gleefully cried.

"Uh, yeah, I assume its Wolf. Now then, it's payback time!" Snake said maniacally.

"Snake, please! Don't kill her!"

"What?" Snake asked. "So, the world's deadliest sniper just put a bullet in my chest, and I'm not supposed to retaliate? Have you been hanging out with Campbell?"

"No, it's just, well, she's a nice person."

"She's a merciless killer, you stupid nerd!"

Suddenly, the extremely hot image of Sniper Wolf appeared on the CODEC screen. Wait, our hero thought. Somehow, Wolf managed to commandeer a radio built into Otacon's head? What the Hell?

Anyways, Wolf started another confusing tirade. "I can ze you pervectly from here! I told you that you're my special target."

"Snake, Wolf, can't we all just get alo…" Otacon began to say, when Snake interjected.

"Shut it, Geek!"

"Yes, never get between a Volf and its prey! Snake…" Wolf said, turning on the creepy, "I'm near, Snake. Can't you sense me near you?"

"So you're telling me that you're near? Isn't that against the prime directive of snipers?"

"I'm going to send you a love letter. You know vhat zhat is? Eet's a bullet, straight from my gun, to your hear."

"Yeah, that's a pretty crappy threat there. I mean, you had to explain it and everything. Jesus. Anyways, I'm going to get revenge for you letting Ocelot steal my shirt and strap me to a weird metal device. Oh, and the whole 'Shooting Meryl' thing."

Now, Snake could've PWN'd Wolf in about five seconds by just hiding in that crevice near the wall and shooting his Nikita, but his penchant for stupid mistakes, his desire for dramatic flair, and the continuing screams of Liquid being mauled by an irradiated squirrel convinced him to throw down with Wolf on her own terms.

And by 'throw down with Wolf on her own terms', I mean 'hide behind a tree and take potshots every so often'.

And so, they battled, and as their life bars depleted, wolves howled and nerdy scientists sobbed. Eventually, Snake decided to tap into the same power he had used against Liquid's HIND. He whipped out, lightening fast, aiming carefully, and…

…Wolf blasted the PSG-1 right out of his hands. Smirking, she yet again did that thing where she slooooooooooowly lined up a shot, this time, on Snake's head. Snake responded by doing yet another backflip, this time landing on his rifle. Defying physics, the gun flew up to our hero's hands, as he twirled around and fired at the same time as Wolf did.

And as it did with the HIND, Snake's lunacy outdid Wolf's not acting like a jackass. Despite the fact that he didn't even waste time with things like 'aiming', and Wolf had her gun pointed at his head, Snake had vanquished his opponent.

And so, slowly crossed the snowfield to where he saw Wolf fall, he heard the background music get all sad. Not another speech about how the goddamn terrorists that revel in bloodshed and want to vaporize China with a nuke are morally superior to me because their childhoods were fucked up…

"I've vaited for zis moment… Vaiting is my job. I am a Sniper…"

…Or she'll spout out idiotic goth poetry. Whatever.

"I am lungshot… you cannot save me…"

"No offense Wolf, but why the Hell would I want to save you? Just wonderin'."

"Vould you just shut your mouth and let me zay me death zpeech?"

"Yes mam."

"Vhere vas I? Oh, yes… I vas raized on ze battlefield. Violence vas everyvhere, and it vas a very fucked up childhood indeed…"

"Figures you'd start this…"

"Anyvays, zhere he vas… Saladin…"

"Who? Saladin… oh, you mean Big Boss, right?". Where Solid Snake pulled that conclusion from, I will never know.

"Yes. And I became ze sniper, alvayz vaiting, alvayz vatching… I joined zis group of revolutionaries to take my revenge on ze vorld. In ze name of vengeance, I zold my zoul. I am ze dog."

Suddenly, Snake pulled even more smart gibberish out. "Wolves are noble animals. They're not like dogs. In Yupik, the word for wolf is "Kegluneq", and the Aleuts revere them honorable cousins. They call mercenaries like us "Dogs of War". It's true, we're all for sale at some price or another. But you're different. ...untamed... solitary. You're no dog... You're a wolf." I would just like to say, for all the dumb crap he's done up to this point in the story, he has to fucking be in MENSA to come up with that off the cuff.

"Anyvayz, I didn't kill ze girl because she vas never my target…"

"Awesome. So, what now?"

"I guess I vasn't vaiting to kill zomebody… I guess I vas vaiting for zomebody to kill me. You're my hero…". Needless to say, the sad music really amped up here.

"Right…" Our hero said. Okay, cue the distraught nerd in three…

two…

one.

And suddenly, Otacon showed up. Where was he hiding while Snake and Wolf had a poignant, thirty minute discussion while she was bleeding to death from a bullet in her lungs in the subzero Alaskan tundra? Again, I don't know.

"Why! I loved you!" Otacon whined.

"Why? Because she was a goddamn boss fight, you moron." Our hero said.

"Give me my gun…" Wolf said.

Otacon obliged, and Wolf continued. "Everything's here now. Okay hero. Zet me free…"

BLAM!

While Otacon cried, Snake was thinking. Wait… she was bleeding to death. Aw man, I just wasted a shell.

"Snake, you said love could bloom on a battlefield…"

"Do I need to remind you that it's just as long as it's not between us?"

"…I couldn't save her."

"Yeah, I know. Ya couldn't, I dunno, have tried to knock her out so I didn't have to kill her or anything. I mean, she was just concentrating solely on me while you were invisible, so I can see absolutely no solution you could've presented us. Anyways, I guess I'll give her her handkerchief back."

"Why?"

"Because I have no more tears to shed." Our hero replied, cool ice. Now, obviously, he could've given the hanky to poor moping Otacon, because he had more tears to shed over his dead lover than his dead lover did, but hey. As he began walking away, he turned and said "By the way, I'm going to blow up your mech. I know I just ruined you're one chance at happiness and all, but I need your help."

"Sounds good to me, Snake. Wait… SNAKE! What was she fighting for? What are you fighting for? What am I fighting for?"

"She was a suicidal junkie who was looking for her own death, which was preceeded by her giving a prolonged speech about fighting for her death, despite the fact that I put a bullet through her lungs. I'm fighting for the right to go back to my home and run a sled dog race, preferably while drunk. You're fighting for… I dunno. You haven't really been 'fighting', as much as 'being a colossal pain in my ass with your stupid questions'."

"Okay Snake, see you later!"

And so, our hero continued his quest, while wolf dogs howled, nerds wept, and meglomaniacal British clones threw down with irradiated chipmunks.