Disclaimer: Solid Snake and all his wacky pals are property of a crazy guy in Japan named Hideo Kojima. And that, my friends, is why Hideo Kojima makes money coming up with crazy shit for Snake to do, and I don't.

As we last left our hero, he had just beaten the FOXHOUND's resident chaingun toting Native American Shaman. After exiting the really motherfucking cold storage room, he noticed that somehow, the temperature jumped up a wee smidge, considering how the entire place wasn't frozen.

Anyways, after bypassing a completely unnecessary amount of gun cameras, Snake passed through that room into the obligatory "gigantic ass evil river of sludge/giant fucking robot on a pedestal" room. And so, Snake looked up at the gargantuan mech, calculating the number of rations he'd be likely to use during the fight (The answer he came to was eleventy billion). Upon hearing the beeping of his codec, Snake answered it to see Otacon.

"Snake, I've got a good hiding place, thanks to this stealth gear."

"Otacon… I'm right in front of Metal Gear, and I have to say, for as much as I've picked on you, and insulted your nerdiness, you know how to make a badass nuclear weapon."

"Uh, thanks. I guess."

"Anyways, there aren't any guards patrolling here."

"Maybe because all the work's done? I heard they even input the PAL."

"So, at the most crucial stage of their plan, Liquid put all of the guards on a break?"

"Yep."

"He's seriously running the 'Ernst Stavro Blofeld Guide to Supervillainy' step by step. Whatever. So, how do we stop this thing?"

"Again, you have to input the three card keys to disarm the PAL."

"Okay, but I only have one key, and don't know the trick to using it."

"Did I mention that my perfect hiding place also allows me access to the computer system? I'll just hack into Baker's account and find it out."

"Great. Snake out."

Our hero began climbing the series of ladders leading up to the control room. But as soon as he had climbed the first one, his codec beeped again.
"Snake. I've already gotten past the third security level."

"Wow, that was fast. It took me all of ten second to climb that ladder. So, what's the secret?"

"I haven't gotten past all the security features yet."

"Then why did you call?"

"Uh... I'll get right back to you on that" Otacon said as he signed off.

Our hero continued his ascent, climbing over the armored behemoth and onto the catwalk leading to the Metal Gear control room. And yet again, his codec beeped.
"Snake, I did it!"

"You got past the security?"

"Bingo!!"

"Great. So what's the trick to the card key?"

"I haven't found it yet?"

"Damnit Otacon! I was all happy, thinking 'Maybe this time I won't have to got toe-to-giant-metal-toe with a mech', but you haven't found the secret yet. So why did you call me?"

"Oh. I did find out what the big secret is behind Rex's new nuclear weapon. Using the railgun, the warhead is launched like a projectile. Because it doesn't use fuel, it can go through loopholes in all sorts of international treaties, because it's not exactly a missle. Oh, and it's undetectable to satellite surveillance, can penetrate hardened defenses, and is completely impossible to intercept."

"Okay, two things. First, I don't really give a damn. Second, with all those bastardish features, it sounds pretty evil. Seriously, if you find out Rex's fuel is actually the bloody of kittens, I wouldn't be surprised."

"It could mean the end of the world!" Otacon said. Which, considering that nuclear weapons could've ended the world before they were undetectable, immune to international treaties, and impossible to defend against, I'd say that was apparent.

"Colonel, are you listening?"

"Yesh…" Our drunken friend Roy Campbell said.

Snake decided to assist Otacon in making obvious comments. "Y'know, if word of this whole 'unstoppable doomsday device' got out, it could have pretty big political reprucussions."

"You're right Snake. The UN might denounce the US, and it could even bring the president down." Now history shows us that this scenario is just not true. Unjustifiable abuse of military power against the UN's wishes gets you reelected.

"Colonel, did you know all this?"

"Yesh. –hic- I'm shorry…"

"You've changed Colonel. I mean, back in Zanzibar, you just gave me obvious advice over the radio. You didn't give me obvious advice AND hide classified information that really has no bearing on my role in the mission from me."

"Snake. Uh, I also forgot to mention, this whole system was never tested in real life, and all the VR test data's missing."

"Oh, Baker gave me an optical disk of all that crap, saying it was the real purpose of my mission. And Ocelot took it from me."

"Curshes!" Campbell yelled in the background.

"Snake, they've already placed the nuke in the gun. It's only a matter of time."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me. Stop wasting our collective time with all the evil conspiracy stuff and find out how to stop the launch, Otacon. Right now, 'not having to fight a mech' trumps 'hearing how much my bosses suck'." Our hero said as he signed off.

And so, Snake continued on to the control room, where that wacky duo, Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot were going over their plan in intricate detail. As Snake hid next to the doorway, he overheard their conversation.

"We can launch anytime."

"Good. Washington is still telling me to go fuck myself. Looks like we'll have to launch. Set the target for Lopnor, China."

"Why, boss? There's nothing there."

"First, I know your pal Sergei isn't a big fan of the whole 'nuke Russia' plan. Also… Lopnor's a nuclear test site."

"So when it blows up, China can cover it up."

"Exactly. And Washington will be forced to go into talks with China to avoid retaliation." Our trench coat wearing archvillain said. How China would know who to retaliate against after an undetectable nuclear strike is beyond me, but hey.

"Then the existence of Metal Gear will be revealed."

"Exactly. Then everyone will want to contact us. Washington won't be very happy about us selling their doomsday device to the highest bidders. Yes, the president will break. He will give in to our demands." Liquid said, slipping in to his usual arms crossed evil Liquid stance of doom.

"Big Boss's DNA and one billion dollars…" Ocelot said.

"A billion dollars?" Snake said, pretty loud for a guy trying to be stealthy. But hell, Ocelot and Liquid already knew he was there, thanks to a surveillance camera Snake should've easily spotted, and they just wanted a chance to make evil speeches for a second.

"I'm also adding the vaccine for FoxDie in the demands list. And a pony."

"FoxDie… It killed Octopus and Baker. So it's true it affects older people first." Now, we all know that Ocelot really playing FOX-HOUND and wasn't going to be infected, but you'd still think he'd at least feign some fear at this revelation. Damn guy looks like a gunslinger version of Stan Lee. But he continued. "Mantis must've been fine because he wore a mask."

"Wolf didn't catch it either. Perhaps due to the fact that she was a junkie."

"Something to do with the adrenaline levels in the blood? Or maybe it's because FoxDie is still experimental and has bugs. Or some vengeance-crazed Rhodesian orphan turned British doctor messed with its programming."

"In any case, what's Colonel Gurlukovich saying?"

"If the launch is successful, he said we can talk. He wants Metal Gear so bad he can taste it. If Russia wants to be a superpower again, they need something to give them first strike capability over the rest of the world."

Of course, Liquid was the son of Big Boss, whose main philosophy, beyond 'ruining the lives of my children', was 'creating a state where soldiers are respected'. So he was a bit indignant. "Russia's army is in shambles and he thinks they can restore their prominence with nuclear weapons. Gurlukovich. He's no warrior… he's a politician.".

"But he gave us the Hind, and most of our other heavy firepower."

Calming down, Liquid said "Y'know, he has over a thousand men under his command. If he joined, we could put up quite the resistance here. Since Mantis died, the soldier's brainwashing has worn off. I'm worried about the men's morale. An alliance with the Russians would boost that as well."

"What are you saying?"

"We're going to dig in here."

"We could still escape."

"We have the most powerful weapon ever made, and we're about to ally with Gurlukovich's forces". Yeah, all one thousand of them. Seriously. And they possessed equivalent powers of sight, hearing, and intelligence as the NSGF. So very threatening.

"Are you going to fight the whole world?" Ocelot asked, realizing the odds were roughly six billion against two groups of inept guards, and a dwindling supply of supervillains.

"Why not? We can launch a nuclear warhead at any target, invisible to radar, fueled by the blood of kittens. We're sitting in a base filled with spare nuclear warheads. Once we get the DNA and the money, the world is ours!" Yep, Liquid was running the Blofeld guide to supervillainy. "From now on, call this place…" sweeping camera pan as Liquid strikes an evil pose "… Outer Heaven."

Snake gasped. "Big Boss's dream…"

Again ignoring the gravelly voice emanating from the doorway, Liquid and Ocelot began talking again.

"What should I do about the woman? Want me to kill her?"

"Let her live. She's Campbell's niece, and Snake cares for her. We'll keep her as our ace-in-the-hole."

"Meryl… she's alive."

Almost on cue, Otacon called again.

"Snake, I've found Baker's secret files!"

"Finally. So what's the secret."

"Okay, if the codes are entered, the card keys disarm the device. If the code isn't entered, the card keys arm the nuke. So get started with the keys."

"Otacon. I only have one."

"Don't worry, that's the trick. That card key can be used at all the terminals."

"Really, three keys in one? That's great. I mean, fuck, I would've thought I had to go on a tedious, mind-numbing fetch quest to get all three keys."

"Well, there's a caveat. The card key is made of Shape Memory Alloy."

"What?"

"You do have to go on a fetch quest, because that card key changes shape at different temperatures. Good thing there's a hot room and a cold room on the base, right?"

"So, I have to run back and forth across the base, inputting the keys and hoping nobody notices that someone's been activating the safety lock?"

"Yep. Oh, and by the way, in case the system ends up arming the warhead, you can't go back and disarm it, because the card only works three times."

"Yeah, but c'mon. You heard Ocelot, they already entered the PAL. So naturally, I couldn't possibly inadvertently start the countdown to doomsday."

"Shnake! The world'sh counting on yoush!" Campbell chimed in.

Unfortunately for our hero, Ocelot and Liquid had grown tired of pretending they didn't see him, and Ocelot put a .45 slug in his arm.

"Damnit!" Snake said as he dropped the key. And instead of just falling to the floor, it went over the security railing ten feet away and plummeted all the way back to the bottom of the chamber, into the radioactive waste drainage ditch.

"Snake!" Liquid said. From the comfort of the now-sealed control room. "This is bullet-proof glass. There's no way in. Die!". I'd like to point out that despite it being bullet proof glass, Snake had two rocket launchers and a fuckload of C-4. One would think he'd just blow Ocleot and Liquid to kingdom come, but hey.

Anyways, faceless guards aplenty came out of hiding to battle Snake. And so, Snake vanquished them by climbing onto Metal Gear's roof and staying out of their line of sight. Yep, screw all those guns and bombs he had, he beat the guards with a ladder.

Proceeding down to the ground floor Snake started wading through waste-deep sludge, looking for the key. After finding a ration, a time bomb, and Jimmy Hoffa, he began to despair of ever finding it, when Master Miller called.

"Snake, have you found the key yet? I mean, it's really, really important."

"Master, it's not down here."

"Wait. Snake, are there rats down there?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I bet a rat ate the key!"

"What?"

"Listen, remember that scene from Jaws, where they cut open the shark and pull out license plates and stuff? Rats are like that too."

"Rats eat license plates?"

"Listen, you ponce, just blow up the rat and get the key. Bloody fucking hell! I can't see why Big Boss ever liked a wanker like you."

"Master, what's with the stereotypically British expressions?"

"Oh. Uh, nothing. Just blast that rat to kingdom come." Master said, signing off. Snake thought he could hear a faint Russian voice in the background, saying "Boss, you're a fucking moron.", but decided that he was hearing things.

Snake began looking for the vermin, finding it right near the drainage ditch. Random Cute Mouse 1 looked up curiously, at the weary soldier that really wished he could've been back at the home, drinking copiously, instead of chasing down rats. Not that he liked rats, but he didn't want to be walking around with a rat-gut soaked keycard in his pocket.

"Okay, ratty, don't make this harder than it has to be." Snake said, raising his SOCOM. The rat proceeded to make like Speedy Gonzalez, and shot into it's burrow faster than Snake's lead could follow it.

Snake proceeded to wander in search of the rat, finding another hole in the wall at the other end of the floor. "Squeak?" The mouse said. ("Snake! You cannot win this battle!"). Snake again went for a headshot, and again, the rat darted into the hole.

"Squeak!" ("Hahahaha! You cannot match my speed!")

This cycle continued on for a while, before Snake decided that it was time to change tactics. Liberally laying C-4 down at the entrances of its burrow, Snake proceeded to detonate them. Seconds later, the burnt up body of the mouse landed conveniently at his feet.

"Sque…ak" ("Snake… tell my family that I love them. If I had a better childhood, maybe you and I… wouldn't have fought as we have… urgh…). Of course, the drama of the mouse's death speech was lost on Snake, because he had no fucking clue what 'squeak' meant.

Anyways, despite being in the stomach of a rat that stood next to eight blocks of exploding semtex, the card didn't have a scratch on it. And so Snake ventured through the base, managing to input the first PAL code.

Venturing back into the cold storage room where he fought Raven, Snake hung around for a little while, waiting until the card changed into the cold-temperature key. Strolling back to the control room, he input the second PAL code.

Finally, as he boarded the cargo elevator to return to the blast furnace, Snake received yet another CODEC call from Master Miller.

"Snake, it's about Naomi Hunter…"

"What?"

"Well, I have a friend in the Pentagon, who despite me not being privy to classified secrets, told me that the DIA was developing a new bioweapon. FoxDie."

"FoxDie? Liquid and Ocelot were talking about it."

"Anyways, FoxDie only kills select people. Remember Octopus and Baker? They died of heart attacks right? Guess what FoxDie causes. Heart attacks. Snake… did Naomi give you any injections?"

"Yeah, the nanomachines. Are you saying she was the one behind this?"

"Maybe. But what could her motive be?"

"Yesh! We've jusht arreshted her." Campbell interjected. "She wash shending coded messhages to the baysh!"

"Just wonderful. I'm infected with a mystery death virus by our crazy geneticist friend, and I find out that I might have a heart attack any second right before I deactivate a nuclear bomb. Great job Master, really motivating."

And so, once he reached the blast furnace, Snake entertained himself while waiting for the card to change by tossing guards into the lava pit. Once he reached the second elevator, however, he got yet another codec call.
"Snake, can you hear me? It's Naomi."

"Naomi? Is all this true?"

"Some of it. But it's true that I have no idea who my real family is. I was born in Rhodesia sometime in the 1980s. I was probably the daughter of Indian laborers."

"Naomi, you're to worried about the past. Isn't it enough to understand who you are now?"

At this, Naomi slipped into myspace emo mode, proclaiming "Why should I? No one else tries to understand me! I was alone for so long. Until I met my big brother… and him."

"Your big brother?"

And cue completely bizarre soap opera twist in five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One,

"Yes, my brother… Frank Jaeger."

"What? My old war buddy who I blew up with a landmine?"

"He was a young soldier when he picked me up near the Zambezi River. Yes, the man that you destroyed, was my brother and my only family."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around how a random orphan was found by Gray Fox and went on to become the world's greatest insane British Geneticist. Did he bring you to America?"

"No. We were in Mozambique when he came… Big Boss."

"Is there anyone you cared about that I haven't killed? Just wondering."

"He brought us to this land of freedom, but he and my brother went back to Africa to continue their war. And that's when it happened. You killed my benefactor and sent my brother home a cripple. They were just trying to cause World War III, and you killed them. That's when I vowed revenge and joined Fox-Hound. Ironically, my first day on the job was the same day you retired. I've waited years for this day. You obsessed me for years". Normally, if a hot chick with a sexy accent says that you obsessed her, I'd say that's a blessing, but this might just be the exception to the rule.

"Do you still hate me?" Snake asked. Hm, let's see. I killed the only people that mattered to her, and she spent years plotting to inject me with the ultimate in biological weapons. Guess that's a pretty stupid question…

Surprisingly, Naomi said "…Not exactly… I was partly wrong about you…"

"What about Liquid and the others?"

"I'll have my revenge on them, too."

"Naomi… did you kill Doctor Clark? They guy who turned your brother into a science project?"

"No… Frankie did it. I just hid him in my basement for two years."

"So… he's here to kill me?"

"No. Just to fight you. I wasn't sure before, but now I now, he wants one last showdown with you. It's all he lives for, y'know."

"What about…"

"…FoxDie? You see, it's a retrovirus that only targets specific people. After infecting the macrophages, it begins producing TNF epsilon, a cytokine peptide which causes cells to die. The TNF epsilon is carried through the bloodstream, where they attach to the TNF receptors in the heart, causing shock and severe apoptosis."

"You mean the heart cells commit suicide?"

"Well… yeah. Wait, shouldn't you be asleep?" Naomi said, surprised at the fact that Snake was actually paying attention to one of her science lessons.

"It might be a boring scientific speech, but seriously, this is your big speechifying moment, so I guess like with Mantis and Wolf, I should listen despite not really giving a damn. Anyways, do I still have time? I don't blame you for wanting me dead, but I've got to stop this launch."

"Listen, I wasn't the one who decided to use FoxDie."

"What?!"

"You were injected with FoxDie as part of this mission. I just wanted to let you know that… no, that's not everything. The really, really important thing I wanted to tell you was… Snake… I…"

Another voice broke in "Hey, what're you doing?"

"Eeeeeeek!"

"Shnake! I can't allowsh Naomi to shpeak againsh! She's been removed from thish operashun!". Campbell chimed in.

"Colonel, what did she mean when she said FoxDie was part of this operation? Let me talk to her!"

"I won't. Naomi'sh under arresht."

"You double crossed me!"

"Shnake, there'sh no time for thish. You've got to shtop Metal Gearsh!"

Muttering about all this while climbing the ladders to the control room, Snake was fuming over the whole topic of heart attack viruses while standing next to the third terminal. Goddamn drunk ass windbag. He's tricked me, that bastard. I wasn't going to say this, but next time we meet, I'm gonna tell him that his beret looks stupid. Sonuva bitch. Goddamn viruses. Fuck, at least I can enter this final PAL key and not worry about blowing up this goddamn robot.

And so, he entered the final PAL code.

"PAL code number three confirmed. PAL code entry complete…"

Finally, mission complete, time to head home.

"Detonation code activated."

"What? I deactivated it!"

"Ready to commence nuclear holocaust. Have a nice day."

And so, as his Codec rang as he looked at the mighty behemoth in front of him, one thought was running through Snake's mind…

This is so gonna fucking hurt…

TO BE CONCLUDED...

Author's Note: Home stretch, baby! I figure that, barring any intermissions or epilogues I might feel compelled to toss in, there's at most, one or two more chapters to write. Thank you for all your support, and let's all hope I might be able to update sooner than I typically have been (though the safe bet is that I won't). Again, thank you for all your support, and I'm sorry I'm taking so damn long.