Fade to Black
Summary: Torn between two lives, broken by the choices he has to make. Will Hatake Kakashi live to see the next day or will he fade into obscurity:: A story of love, loss, pain, and happiness; the childhood of the great Copy Nin Kakashi.
Genre: Drama/Angst
Rating: K
Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Naruto.
Author's Notes: I'm purposely writing this story in fragmented sentences because I believe that most kids, no matter how smart they are, process thoughts in fragmented sentences. But that's just my opinion.
I am not an expert in medicine or diseases or anything like that. So please excuse any medical mistakes.
Please R&R…Thanks!
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I just stare at her. I'm aware that staring isn't polite but I can't help it.
"A heart transplant?" I repeat, dumbfounded and confused.
Tsunade just nods, a sad smile on her lips. I never knew you could have heart transplants. I never knew it was possible.
"Why?" I ask, the panic rising inside me, "Why did I? Why did I need it?"
"You managed something remarkable, something that has never occurred before. Unfortunately your body simply couldn't handle it," Tsunade tells me, her voice soft and quiet.
She goes silent. Seemingly reluctant to say anything further. But why? I want to know. Don't I deserve to know? I want to ask her to tell me but I can't. It's impolite to ask for information from a Sannin who wishes not to speak.
"Tsunade," Jiraiya says, "He must be told."
She sighs and leans back in the chair she's sitting in.
"Do you know of the eight Celestial Gates(1)?" she asks me and I nod in response.
"Well," she continues, "you managed to open the first Celestial Gate, the Initial Gate. However, your body was unable to withstand the huge amount of chakra that was released when the Initial Gate was forced open."
"But why? Why did I?"
"We don't know Kakashi. We don't know why the gate was opened," she answers with a shake of her head, "We just don't have the answer."
"But…so…it was the gate that damaged my heart?" I ask, still trying to make sense of everything.
"Yes," she replies with sadness in her voice, "It also damaged your lungs and your eyes, both of which we managed to repair with little difficulty. Your lungs, however, will forever be a little more sensitive than the average person's."
"But…if this new heart is healthy then why do I need so much medication?"
This doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. This heart is fine. So why am I still so sick?
"Your heart is not yours Kakashi. Your body doesn't recognize it as a heart but as a foreign material that is dangerous to your health when in fact, it is what is keeping you alive. Because of this your body will attack and destroy the heart. The medication prevents this from happening. It creates a barrier around the heart and tells your body's immune system that the heart is not dangerous and that is doesn't need to be destroyed," she explains to me.
"And if I don't take the medication?" I ask.
"Then you will die," she replies in such a quiet whisper that I have to strain to hear her.
"Twenty-one pills and one shot. Every morning. Every night," I mutter, dropping my gaze to stare at my listless hands resting on my lap.
"Most likely it will not be that much medication for too long," Tsunade informs me as she leans forward and takes my left hand in her own, "Technology is improving everyday, along with medication. It is likely that, as the years go by, your medication will decrease."
I nod, tears escaping from my closed eyes.
"Will I have to quit…" I choke out, "quit being a shinobi?"
"That, Kakashi, I cannot tell you. Medically there really is no reason why you can't be a shinobi. But when you return to training you may find your body weaker than before. Also, your stamina will never be what it once was, or could've been."
I nod; my eyes still squeezed shut as the tears fall silently down my face. The room goes silent but I can feel the tension between the two Sannin but I don't know why. I'm sure that if I looked up I would see silent stares between the two of them.
"Tsunade," Jiraiya whispers. I can hear the anger in his voice, "If you don't tell him than I will."
I open my eyes and snap my head up and turn it to look from Tsunade, sitting beside me holding my hand, to Jiraiya, leaning against the wall at the foot of my bed.
"Tell me what?" I ask after the silence becomes too much for me to bear. The waiting too painful.
Tsunade sighs and I turn my head to face her. I can see the grief in her eyes. What's wrong now? This can't get any worse. Can it?
"Kakashi," she begins, her voice shaking with the same grief that's in her eyes, "This heart won't last forever. After five to seven years your body will reject the heart no matter what medication you take. Your body will destroy this heart."
I blink. I'm going to die in five years? This is it? Because I can't control my own chakra I've killed myself?
"So that's it?" I whisper, "There's nothing that can be done?"
"When the time comes you can have another heart transplant. As long as the rest of your body is healthy then another transplant can be done. As many as is needed."
"I want daddy," I whimper, "Where's daddy?"
"Your dad's on a mission right now," Jiraiya says and I turn my head to look at him.
"Daddy left me alone?"
He does hate me. He does blame me for mother's death. How he acted before was just an act, nothing more. He just pretended to care because other people were around.
"Kiddo, you've been sleeping for a little over seven months. Your dad couldn't stop working, not at this time. He didn't want to leave but Konoha needed him. There was nothing that could be done about it."
"Jiraiya!" Tsunade angrily exclaims, "You didn't need to tell him that!"
"He deserves to know!" Jiraiya yells back.
Why do adults always argue around me? Is there something I do that makes people angry?
"I told you we had to wait before we told him that! I told you he could only handle so much information at once!"
"What are you afraid of? Shock? He's not like normal kids! He's smarter than you care to acknowledge! He should know the truth! After all, it's his body! His life!"
Both their voices rise in anger with every word they say. My head hurts with the yelling.
"Jira…"
"Stop it!" I scream, "Just stop arguing!"
They both turn to stare at me. I can't believe I just yelled at them. I just yelled at two of the Legendary Sannins. Where is my respect? Where are my manors?
"Why does everyone always argue?" I mutter
"Kakashi…"
"Leave me alone," I interrupt her, "Just leave me alone."
She looks taken back. I didn't mean for my voice to sound so angry. I really didn't. I'm just tired of everyone always arguing about me. But it's too late now to change what I said. Even if I do regret it.
What am I going to do? How am I going to be a shinobi if I have no stamina? How am I going to make father proud if I can't be a shinobi?
"Ka…"
"Leave me alone!"
I feel warm. It starts burns. Just like before. Is it happening again? But why? Why can't I control it?
I let go of Tsunade's hand. I hug my knees to my chest. Bury my head in my knees. Squeeze my eyes shut. It gets worse. Spreads through every muscle. Every nerve. Oh God, why won't it just stop? Why?
A needle stabs into my left shoulder. Rips through burning muscle. I squeeze my eyes tighter, desperately trying to block out the pain. It won't go away.
A liquid flows into my blood. I can feel it running through my body.
The fire inside me starts to fade. Starts to calm down.
And then nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. This isn't like before. There's no welcoming unconsciousness to take me from this reality. No sleep to pass the time. Just nothing.
And waiting.
I can't hear anything. I can't see anything. No feeling, no sensation. Nothing but the surrounding black and a feeling of cold.
So very, very cold.
It's a drastic change from the previous fire that raged inside me. I think I might prefer this freezing cold, this solitude. To be alone like this is painful but at least I know that I won't hurt anyone else if I'm not close to them.
Maybe all along I was mean to live like this. Meant to be alone. I drove mother away to her death. I made father stop loving me. I make mistakes on purpose to push everyone away. I make people hate me. All to not cause them pain.
To be alone.
Is this death?
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"Kakashi?" I hear a voice break through my silent tomb.
How long have I been here? How long have I been in this black void? The silence had become deafening, the solitude welcoming. I've gotten used to being alone, forgotten, hated. Has it been days? Months? I don't know. Time has no meaning here. I lost track of it. Lost in my own thoughts. But now someone has broken through the walls that trapped me in here. Someone has reached through the barriers.
"Kakashi?"
The voice grates on my ears. Hurts to listen too. I wonder who it is. I can't place the voice. It's been too long since I last heard noise.
"Son?"
Father? Is father here? Has he come back to me? Does he really still love me?
But it was all an act before. Last time he was here he was pretending to love me because other people were around. Is this all an act too?
What am I talking about? Of course it's an act. It's always been an act. Not only have I killed mother but I'm sick now too. I can't be a strong shinobi anymore. I'm no longer father's perfect, healthy, miracle son. I'm just a sick, weak, needy child. I've disappointed daddy. Of course he hates me. I don't even have to ask. I know.
He hates me.
"Kakashi, please, open your eyes," my father pleads.
He sounds so afraid, so scared, so weak. I can't stand to hear him like this. But I can't open my eyes to face him. I deserve to be alone like this. I deserve this darkness, this hate from others.
"Kaka…" my father's voice breaks and I can hear the sobs choking his breath.
"I'm sorry Sakumo," I hear a voice whisper.
The sound seems so far away. So distant and fuzzy.
"Please," my father pleads to the other person, "Please Tsunade. You can't do this. You can't take him away from me."
"I'm sorry Sakumo," she repeats, "He's only awaken twice in eleven months. His brain hasn't shown any signs of life in over three months."
"But…"
"He's brain dead," Tsunade's harsh voice interrupts my father's pleading sobs, "I'm sorry but it's the truth. There's no use holding on to fool's hope."
Brain dead? How can I be brain dead if I'm thinking like I am? I am thinking, right? I have to show them I'm alive! I have to open my eyes! I have to talk!
But I can't! I can't move my body. I can't do anything but sit here and wait.
Alone.
Why?
"Tsunade…"
"Sakumo," a rough voice interrupts my father's, "This is the best decision for Kakashi. You know that. You're releasing your son from this torture. Let him be free, let him go to heaven. Let him be with his mother. He deserves it."
Mother? If I die I can see mommy again? I miss mother. Miss her so much. But I don't want to leave daddy. Would he be able to live on if I'm gone? He sounds so sad, so depressed, so alone. I can't leave him alone. I deserve loneliness. I deserve solitude. He's done nothing to deserve such pain. I need to stay for him. I can't die. I can't leave him alone.
"I did this," my father chokes out, "I killed him Jiraiya. I pushed him too hard. Trained him too much."
"No one could've predicted this would happen," Jiraiya's harsh voice softens just a little, "No one could've known his chakra would do this too his body."
"I should've seen it. I was the one training him. I should've noticed his chakra was getting too strong for him to control. I should've predicted this," my father's grief filled voice reaches my ears.
I can't do this. I can't lay here and listen to his grief. I wish I could block out sound. Shut off my ears. I wish I was back in that silent, black tomb. When I'm alone I don't hurt anyone and I don't have to listen to their pain.
"Sakumo," Tsunade's caring, yet strict, voice whispers, "Are you ready?"
"I can't be ready," my father mutters, "How can someone be ready to watch their son's death?"
I hear her sigh, "He won't wake up Sakumo. And even if he did he would be a vegetable. Is that the life you want your son to live? To be stuck in a body he can't control with a mind that doesn't work? Let him be free of this torture."
A vegetable? What does that mean? Am I paralyzed like Senji? Am I going to be stuck like this forever? Is that why they're going to kill me? I don't understand. I don't understand anything. If I'm like Senji then why are they going to kill me if they haven't killed Senji? Or have they? It doesn't make sense.
"Do it. Pull the plug," my father's cracking voice whispers.
And then silence. Broken only by the breathing of the three people in the room with me. Is this it? Will it be painful? What's on the other side?
The beeping of the machines slows down around me. Each machine being turned off one by one. Something slides out of my throat.
I can't breathe!
Panic sets in as I desperately try to get my lungs to work. But they won't. Why? Why is my body so weak? Why can't I have a healthy body? I can hear my daddy's heart-wrenching sobs. They're barely audible. I can barely hear them. The ringing in my ears blocks out most sounds and the lack of oxygen makes it hard to understand what I do manage to hear. But I hear my daddy's crying. I understand that his crying is bad. I have to make him stop crying.
I can't leave daddy alone!
My body feels warm like before. But the burning isn't so strong this time. It's not so painful. It's almost comfortable. Almost relaxing.
I gasp, welcoming the fresh air into my sore lungs. Feeling returns to my body as I take one deep breath after another.
I force my eyes open. The bright light burns them. My God does it hurt. But I have to tell them I'm alive. I have to show them I'm okay. I have to tell daddy that I'll never leave him alone.
The white ceiling. It's always the white ceiling that I see when I open my eyes.
I hate it.
I turn my head to the left to stare at four pairs of shocked eyes. Four? I thought there were only three people here. At least, only three people had talked. My father, Jiraiya, and Tsunade had talked. Who is this other person? I don't recognize him. He has blond hair. He stands like he's someone important. Like he's a somebody. But who?
"I'm sorry daddy," I force out, my voice hoarse and my throat raw, "I'm sorry for being so sick. I'm sorry for hurting you."
"My God," Tsunade's shocked voice whispers, "His chakra. Arashi(2), this is what I was talking about. This chakra. His own chakra saved him. I can't believe it. He was brain dead! This doesn't make sense. This defies everything I've ever learnt."
"It was stronger before," Jiraiya directs at the other man. This Arashi guy, "A lot stronger before."
"Daddy?" I whimper, "Please daddy. I'm so sorry. Please. It was so dark. So lonely daddy. I was so scared."
"You said," my father angrily mutters, "You said there was no chance."
He stands up and turns around. I can feel the anger radiating from him.
"You almost killed him! KILLED HIM!"
I stare in shock. This isn't the father I know. This man in front of me, this angry man, isn't the daddy I remember.
"Daddy?"
My vision blurs as tears well up in my eyes. I don't even try to stop them. I don't care. I just want daddy to hug me. To love me. I don't care if it's fake love. I don't care if it's all an act. A lie. I just don't want to be alone anymore.
"How could you?" my dad's angry voice screams at Tsunade, "HOW?"
"SAKUMO!" Jiraiya's angry voice cuts through the air, "Calm down!"
I curl up into a ball. Lying on my left side. I squeeze my eyes shut. I just want to block out the yelling. The screaming. The anger. I want it gone. Everyone always argues when I'm around. I always make people so angry. Why? I don't mean to.
"I didn't know…" Tsunade's shaking voice adds to the noise, she sounds afraid. No, terrified, "I didn't know…" she repeats, "The tests showed he was brain dead…this shouldn't have happened."
"HE ALMOST DIED!" my father continues screaming.
Why won't he shut-up? Why won't they all just shut-up?
"SILENCE!" an unrecognizable voice bellows. It must've been the other one. The one with the blond hair.
It works. The room goes silent. I open up my right eye just a fraction. Daddy and Jiraiya stand with their backs to me, Tsunade and that new guy, Arashi, stand facing me. But they're not looking at me. Jiraiya's holding my dad's arm. I think he's trying to restrain daddy.
"Sakumo," Arashi whispers, "go be with your son. He needs you."
Jiraiya lets go of father's arm and he turns around to look at me. I must look pathetic curled up like I am.
"Daddy?" I whimper, sobs choking my breath, "Do you hate me daddy?"
The anger in his eyes fades away to grief. He shakes his head. He walks over to me. I open my other eye and watch him.
"Kakashi," he whispers, sitting down on the edge of my bed, "Kakashi…"
I push myself up into a sitting position, "Daddy?" I question, "Why are you so sad?"
Tears fall down his face, mirroring the same tears that fall down my face.
"Why are you crying?" I ask.
"I'm happy son," he replies with a smile, "I'm happy you're okay. I'm happy I have such a strong child for a son."
Did he just call me strong? Is he proud of me? But why? Why would he be proud of me?
"Daddy…" I whimper, holding my arms out for a hug.
I don't care if I look needy. I don't care if I look pathetic. I just don't care anymore. I want daddy. I want love.
And he hugs me. His strong arms swallow up my tiny body. It's been so long since he's hugged me. Since he's loved me. I feel save again. I feel happy.
I feel loved again.
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(1) Celestial Gates: Also known as "The Eight Gates", "The Eight Inner Gates", or "The Eight Chakra Gates"
The basis for the idea of the chakra gates comes from the body's limits on the functions within it. This makes the body much weaker, but it keeps the body from expiring too soon. By opening these gates, the user can surpass their own physical limits at the cost of extreme damage to their own bodies.
- From wikipedia
Author's Note: I decided to use "The Celestial Gates" as the name because it just sounds way cooler than any of the other names. You can wikipedia the Eight Gates under "Taijutsu in Naruto" and you can get the names of all the Eight Gates and what they do.
(2) Arashi: "There seems to be some controversy over the 4th Hokage's true name. The two leading contenders are Arashi Kazama and Arashi Uzumaki. Apparently, both of these names were seen to be written, Arashi Kazama on the summoning contract that Naruto signs to call forth Gamabunta, and Arashi Uzumaki in the Japanese episode were Jiraiya was talking to Naruto about what happened with the Kyuubi. Additionally, I'm told that Masashi Kishimoto, the creator of Naruto, said in an interview that the 4th Hokage's name is Arashi Kazama, though this is highly disputed and shouldn't be taken as fact. And finally, I'm also told that the writing on those contracts is simply gibberish, written to look like extremely poor handwriting so nobody would be able to read it.
However, his real name has yet to be officially mentioned in either the Anime or the Manga."
- From absoluteanime
Author's Note: Because both suspected names have "Arashi" as the first name I decided to use that as Yondaime's first name. This is in no way proven as fact but is only speculation. Please don't quote me as saying that "Arashi" is the real name of Yondaime because I, along with everyone else, doesn't know that for sure. Also, if I use Yondaime's last name at all throughout this story I will be using "Kazama" because personally I will not believe that Yondaime is related to Naruto until it is actually proven as fact.