Fade to Black
Summary: Torn between two lives, broken by the choices he has to make. Will Hatake Kakashi live to see the next day or will he fade into obscurity:: A story of love, loss, pain, and happiness; the childhood of the great Copy Nin Kakashi.
Genre: Drama/Angst
Rating: T
Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Naruto.
Author's Notes: I'm purposely writing this story in fragmented sentences because I believe that most kids, no matter how smart they are, process thoughts in fragmented sentences. But that's just my opinion.
I am not an expert in medicine or diseases or anything like that. So please excuse any medical mistakes.
HUGE AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please, PLEASE, be aware that at the end of this chapter there are hints of child abuse. If you don't like to read about that then I suggest that you should stop reading this story from here on in. Most chapters from now on will probably contain child abuse. That's why the rating has gone up. You HAVE BEEN WARNED! Also, I'm unsure if the rating T is high enough…if you think it should be moved to a higher rating then I will gladly do so.
Please R&R…Thanks!
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"So," Sarutobi begins, "This is quite the meeting. Two Legendary Sannins, the White Fang of Konoha, Konoha's Yellow Flash, and the Sandaime. I haven't been in a meeting with so many legendary people for quite sometime. And for the meeting to be about one seven year old child is quite unique."
"I can see why the Elders want you out of the Hokage office," Tsunade mutters, "This is not something to take light of."
"That child's chakra is unstable. If he doesn't learn how to control it quickly he will kill himself," Jiraiya-sensei states.
"Or worse yet, kill someone else," I add, "He's already demonstrated the ability to burn others who are simply touching him when his chakra is unstable. Who knows what else he is capable of?"
"He's also demonstrated amazing healing abilities," Tsunade whispers, "Healing abilities that defy logic. He's too dangerous to be kept alive. But if he is left alive it should simply be for me to study. I could learn a lot from him."
"You are not using my son for medical experiments," Sakumo angrily states.
"But Tsunade is correct. His chakra is far too unstable for him to be left alive. He is a danger to everyone around him," Jiraiya-sensei regrettable says, "It's unfortunate but he should be either killed or removed from the village. He can't stay here."
"I will not let you kill my son!" Sakumo yells, letting his anger get control of him.
"Sakumo, calm down," Sarutobi's voice cuts through the air. His tone leaves no room for arguing, "You're not going to like what I'm going to say. But I have to agree with Jiraiya."
"But…"
"I will not order your son's death," the Sandaime interrupts Sakumo's attempt to argue, "But he cannot stay in the village when he is this unstable. Also, I'm going to have to forbid any further training. His chakra is too much for him to handle. Any more training will just kill him."
"You can't do that!" Sakumo argues, "He will be devastated if you don't let him become a shinobi."
"He will be devastated or you will be devastated?" Tsunade mutters angrily.
The room goes silent. I can feel the tension in the air.
"Are you accusing me of putting my own desires above the health and safety of my son?" Sakumo's cold voice cuts through the deafening silence.
"Yes. For God's sake, "Tsunade exclaims, "he was five years old when you entered him in the academy."
"He asked for it, he wanted it, he was capable of it," Sakumo retorts, "It was his decision."
"He was five. He was blindly trusting you," she answers, the anger growing in her voice, "He was far too young. He's still far too young."
"Tsunade," Jiraiya-sensei breaks the bickering, "stop this foolishness."
"Jiraiya-sensei is correct," I cut in, "Kakashi cannot stay in the village as he is. But he doesn't have to be removed from Konoha and he doesn't have to quit being a shinobi, if he still desires to be one."
The three of them turn to look at me quizzically and I smile at them.
"And what is it that you propose? What is your solution?" Sarutobi finally asks after the silence has stretched on for a few minutes.
"I will seal his chakra," I answer, "and I will become his sensei. That way I can watch over him and release the seal, little by little, as he grows stronger and more able to control his chakra. This will also allow Sakumo to take on more missions for Konoha, missions that he is needed for."
"Is that wise?" Tsunade asks, "To perform a seal on him when he's so young?"
"There really is no other choice," I reply, "Unless you wish to condemn Kakashi to a life of solitude."
"If his training and chakra release is monitored than he could surpass us all in time," Jiraiya-sensei mutters, more to himself than to anyone else, "But can he handle that?"
I turn to look at my former sensei, "What do you mean?" I ask.
"His already shown signs of depression. Even before this whole 'Initial Gate opening' fiasco. I fear that in the future he won't be able to handle the pressure that comes with being so naturally amazing. Plus, his heart concerns me."
"His heart will be fine as long as he takes the medication," Tsunade states, "Just don't put him on any long-term missions around the five to seven year mark when he will begin needing a transplant. And even then, his heart will start aching three to four months before he will actually need a transplant. That gives him plenty of time to get back from any long-term mission he might be on."
"That might be true," the other Sannin whispers, "But the depression signs still worry me."
"He's seven," I say, "And he was six at the time. He knew something was wrong with his mother but no one would tell him. His father was almost always away on missions. It was probably more loneliness than anything else."
"Besides," Sarutobi adds, "It's the middle of a war, even the youngest of children in this village know that. Who hasn't shown signs of depression?"
"But his lack of stamina will make it hard for him," Jiraiya-sensei continues.
"Other shinobi's have had worse shortcomings than a lack of stamina," I argue.
"But still…"
"Jiraiya-sensei," I quizzically state, "Is this really about Kakashi's health or do you just want to spare him from the life of a shinobi? Because if you just want to spare him a shinobi's life than I should inform you, yet again, that that is not your job."
"It's my decision to make," Sakumo adds, "And I made my decision two years ago when I let him enter the academy."
"Did you make the right decision?" Jiraiya-sensei retorts in anger.
"Until you have your own children," Sakumo replies, his own anger growing with every word, "Don't tell me how to raise mine."
"Enough," I state, my voice slightly louder than normal, "If no one objects than I shall seal Kakashi's chakra and begin training him as soon as he is healthy enough."
"Is there no objections?" Sarutobi asks. Everyone shakes their heads, "Very well."
I sigh in relief. I really didn't want Kakashi to be condemned to a life of solitude, or death.
"Kazama Arashi," Sarutobi directs at me, "I now, under the power of the Hokage title, name you the Jounin-sensei of Hatake Kakashi, son of Hatake Sakumo and Hatake Narita."
I nod; then turn my attention to Sakumo, "Don't worry," I say with a smile, "I will take good care of him and I won't let him come to harm."
"If anything happens to him when he's under your care," Sakumo mutters, "I will kill you with my bare hands."
Then he leaves. Just like that he made those familiar seals and was gone. Jiraiya sighs and walks out the door while Tsunade makes the same seals that Sakumo did and disappears in the same way.
"Is there something wrong Arashi?" Sarutobi asks me.
I sigh, "He's changed," I whisper turning to look at the Hokage.
"Sakumo?" he questions and I nod.
"Ever since his wife died he's changed so much. This whole incident with Kakashi has only changed him more. I fear for his health and his mental stability."
"You're not alone in your fears Arashi," Sarutobi comforts me.
I watch as the Sandaime walks over to the window and leans against the sill, his back to me.
"I fear for Kakashi's safety under his care," I continue.
"You made the right decision," Sarutobi whispers, "I hadn't even thought of that."
Silence fills the room but I don't leave. For some reason I feel like I need to stay here, but I don't know why.
"You'll make a great Hokage one day."
"There's no need to jump to such conclusions," I say with a nervous laugh, "You still have a few more years left in you."
"Sakumo isn't going to last much longer," Sarutobi mutters, I can hear his voice beginning to break, "Everyone's noticed. Everyone's asked me to save him. But what can I do?"
"His pain is his own. He's old enough to take care of himself and he's smart enough to know when to get help. He won't leave his son alone; he cares too much for Kakashi to do that."
"Grief makes people do stupid things," he mutters.
I walk over to the Hokage and lean on the window sill beside him. My left arm touching his right arm as we both look over Konoha's bustling inner city.
"This is a time of war Sarutobi," I whisper, "Not everyone is going to be able to be saved."
"He's a year younger than my son."
Now I know why this has affected him so much. Why he cares so damn much.
"Every time I look at Kakashi I see my son. I couldn't imagine putting Asuma through what Kakashi has gone through. I can't even begin to imagine what Sakumo is feeling."
"Kakashi is not your son. Kakashi is no one's son but Sakumo's. That kid is a genius among geniuses. He can't be compared to anyone for no one has ever been in his league before. Don't worry about what can't be changed."
We fall into silence and the time ticks by, uncaring about the path of the world.
"Don't worry," I say with a small smile, "As long as Kakashi is under my care I will not let any harm come to him."
I stand up fully and quickly perform the same seals that Sakumo and Tsunade had performed earlier. My vision spins away into a black void before quickly reappearing. Only this time I'm standing in a small hospital room.
"Sakumo, Tsunade," I greet with a nod, "How you doing Kakashi?" I ask the child sitting cross-legged on the bed.
He looks up, "Father said you're my new sensei," he states and I nod.
"Do you really have to seal my chakra?" he asks.
"Not all of it," I reply with a smile, "And not forever. As you get stronger I'll release the seal a little bit at a time."
"He's stable enough for you to perform the seal. It's just a matter of when you want to do it," Tsunade informs me.
"Whenever Sakumo and Kakashi feel is the best time then I'll do it," I reply.
"Can you do it right now?" Kakashi asks.
I look at him quizzical, "If that is what you want then yes, I can. But are you sure?"
"I don't want to hurt myself again. I don't want to have to worry anymore," the kid whispers, "I just want to be normal again."
"If it's alright with your fa…"
"Yes," Sakumo interrupts, "It's fine with me. The sooner, the better."
I nod, "Tsunade, is there a room I can use?" I ask her.
She nods, "Follow me."
"Come on Kakashi," I say with a smile.
He slides off the bed and grabs hold of his father's hand. I turn around and follow Tsunade. I can hear them following behind me.
Is this really the right decision?
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This room is dark. Arashi-sensei wouldn't let father come in with me. He said we needed to be alone. He said he needs to concentrate. He said I couldn't talk. He made me take my shirt off and now I'm really cold. I wish I could put my shirt back on but I can't.
He cut himself with a kunai. He's writing characters on the floor in his own blood. They're in some sort of pattern. I can't really read them. I was never good at reading or writing at the academy. He told me to kneel down in the middle of the floor, and that's what I'm doing.
He wrote in a circle around me. Then he wrote lines coming out of the circle. Lines that criss-cross and weave in and out of each other. It looks confusing. I don't understand how he can remember to do this.
"Kakashi," he whispers, walking up beside me, "You have to stay really still now. I'm going to have to write on you."
"With your blood?" I ask, my voice shaking.
I don't like that. I don't want someone else's blood on me. That's just weird.
"I know it seems kind of creepy but it has to be done."
I gulp and close my eyes, "Okay," I whisper.
His warm fingers press lightly on my skin. I shudder. I can feel his blood sinking into me. I want to run away. I want to be with daddy again. This is too creepy, too unnerving, too freaky. I didn't think it would be like this.
"Kakashi," Arashi-sensei whispers, "I'm going to start now. This is going to hurt so be prepared. Try to stay as still as you can. You're going to feel really cold, that's normal, okay?"
I nod and squeeze my eyes shut even more. I hear the air moving behind me as sensei's hands move in a sequence of seals. I can feel his chakra getting stronger and more intense. The air feels heavy. It's hard to breathe.
His hands slam into my back, just below my right shoulder blade. Then nothing. It doesn't hurt. I just feel calm, relaxed.
It burns. The burning turns into a raging fire. I think I hear myself screaming but I'm not too sure. His hands push harder. Grinding into my muscles. His chakra gets stronger. I can feel it growing.
And then cold. Freezing cold. It starts in my fingertips and my toes. It spreads slowly. Overtaking the fire within me. It hurts more than the heat. Hurts so much more.
And then the welcoming embrace of unconsciousness wraps around me.
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I collapse to my knees as Kakashi slumps forward. I grab him by the shoulder and stop him from hitting the floor.
He unconsciously fought back.
I almost couldn't seal the chakra; I almost had to give up. This kid is strong, amazingly strong. Stronger than I every thought he could be. Perhaps he should've been sent away from the village; perhaps he really is too dangerous.
Perhaps you were right Jiraiya-sensei.
My lungs burn as I desperately gasp for air that I feel like I can't get. I know I'm breathing I just don't feel like I am.
My eyes widen in shock. I could've died right here, this kid could've killed me.
"Arashi?" Tsunade whispers beside me.
When did she get here?
"Kakashi?" I faintly hear Sakumo's panicked voice.
"He'll be fine," I mutter. But will I be?
"What the hell happened here?" Tsunade exclaims, "What happened?"
"He fought back," I mutter, "His chakra fought back. He didn't mean to but he did."
The room falls silent.
"He almost killed me," I whisper.
"What do you mean?" Sakumo asks, confusion colouring his voice, "How could my son almost kill you?"
"I had to open up the Celestial Gates," I answer, still gasping for breath, "I didn't even notice I had opened them until after."
"How…how many?" Tsunade stammers. I can hear the shock in her voice, "How many did you have to open?"
"Five," I reply, "Up to the Limit Gate."
And then the blackness of unconsciousness takes me in its grasp.
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I open my eyes only to be greeted with the sight of a white ceiling.
Hospitals should paint their ceilings a more interesting colour. Like purple, or yellow, or blue. Something a little livelier.
"Who would've thought that Konoha's Yellow Flash would meet his match in a seven year old child?"
I push myself up into a sitting position and look at my former sensei. He's leaning against the wall at the foot of my bed, one hand shoved in his pocket and the other hand behind his back.
"So kind of you to come visit me Jiraiya-sensei," I reply with a smile.
"You shouldn't have pushed yourself so hard," he criticizes me, his eyes turning serious, "Konoha can't afford to have you die trying to seal the chakra of a child."
"I didn't mean too," I reply, "But what is done is done. Kakashi is okay, right?" I ask, allowing a hint of concern to enter my voice.
Jiraiya-sensei smiles, "Always thinking about everyone else before yourself, eh? But yes, Kakashi is fine. Still unconscious but fine."
I sigh in relief, "I thought I might've hurt him, putting so much of my own chakra into him."
"Unfortunately I can't let you rest."
I raise an eyebrow in a silent question.
Jiraiya-sensei smiles as he pushes himself away from the wall he was leaning on and walks over to me. He places a folder on my lap that he had hidden behind his back.
"Sarutobi informed me to give you this. Sakumo, Shikaku, and Tsume have already gone on ahead. They're waiting for you to back them up."
I sigh, "I get no rest," I jokingly complain.
"So it would seem," Jiraiya-sensei replies.
I watch as he turns around and walks out of the room. He pauses at the door, his hands still shoved in his pockets.
"In case you're wondering, which I know you are, once Kakashi wakes up he'll be staying at his uncle's until you and Sakumo return. So don't go get yourself killed and leave that kid all alone," he whispers, not bothering to turn around.
I smile as he turns the corner and walks out of my sight. He reads me too well.
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That white ceiling again. I really hate that white ceiling.
"Glad to see your awake Kakashi," Tsunade says with a smile.
I turn my head to look at the Sannin. She's leaning against the doorframe.
"The sealing was successful, though you did give Arashi some difficulty," she continues, "You should no longer have any problems with your chakra control anymore."
I smile. Thank God that's over with now. Thank God I can be normal again.
"Can I see daddy?" I ask.
Tsunade's smile fades just a little bit, "Unfortunately you can't. Your father had to go on a mission with Arashi and Tsume. He shouldn't been gone for too long."
"Oh," I say, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice, "Do I have to stay here until he gets back?"
Tsunade smiles again, "Nope. You finally get to leave so you might want to get dressed into your clothes. I had them washed for your," she points to the dresser on the other side of my bed and I turn to look at my clothes.
"But if father's not here then where am I going?" I ask.
Who am I going to stay with? I can't possibly be staying by myself. I'm too young for that.
"You're uncle is coming to pick you up. He should be here any minute."
"Uncle Moro?" I ask, turning my head to face Tsunade again.
She smiles and nods, "Yup, Uncle Moro."
I gulp and force myself to smile. I hate staying with Uncle Moro.
"You should get changed," Tsunade says as she leaves, closing the door behind her.
I sigh, pushing the sheets down and sliding out of the bed. I'm glad to get out of here I just don't want to go there. I hate it there. Out of all the people I could stay with it has to be Uncle Moro.
I take off the hospital pants and shirt and change into my own clothes. They're still warm from the dryer. It feels nice.
"Kakashi?"
I blink as my uncle appears in front of me. I shudder at his smile and the sound of his voice.
"Are you ready?"
I nod, not trusting my voice to respond.
"Do you need to bring anything with you?"
I shake my head. There's nothing here of mine except my clothes.
He smiles his creepy smile at me and I sigh. I walk over and hold onto his right arm as his hands perform a series of seals. The hospital rooms spins into a void of black and his living room comes into focus. I let go of his arm as soon as I can.
It's been so long since I've last been here. I was hoping I would never have come back.
"You're hairs gotten longer," my uncle comments.
"Yah," I reply, "I need a hair cut."
"I like it longer."
I shudder. I know that tone. I know what he wants. But why? Why now? Couldn't he wait? I just want to relax.
He kneels down beside me and cups my chin in his right hand. He turns my head so that I'm staring at him. Staring into those cold, blue eyes. A shudder crawls up my spine and slowly spreads its way thought my body.
He kisses me.
I instinctively pull away even though I know I shouldn't. It will only make him angrier. It will only make it worse.
"Playing hard to get, eh?" he mutters; his voice cold and full of anger.
He lets go of my chin and grabs my left arm with his right hand. He squeezes it tight as he stands up. I try to pull away but it's no use. He's far too strong for me. He always has been. He always will be.
He smiles as he drags me over to the wall and pushes me up against it. My back digs into the hard wood. He kneels in front of me and pulls a kunai out from the holster on his thigh.
Slowly he places the kunai under the buttons of my shirt, the tip pointing downwards. He pops the buttons off one by one, starting from the top and making his way to the bottom. I feel his cold hands undue the button on my pants. I shudder and close my eyes.
I want daddy to come and protect me. To come save me.
He never has.