Fade to Black

Summary: Torn between two lives, broken by the choices he has to make. Will Hatake Kakashi live to see the next day or will he fade into obscurity:: A story of love, loss, pain, and happiness; the childhood of the great Copy Nin Kakashi.

Genre: Drama/Angst

Rating: T

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Naruto.

Author's Notes: I'm purposely writing this story in fragmented sentences because I believe that most kids, no matter how smart they are, process thoughts in fragmented sentences. But that's just my opinion.

I am not an expert in medicine or diseases or anything like that. So please excuse any medical mistakes.

Also… I am VERY, VERY, VERY sorry for the delay in updating all of my stories. I got really sick and then got hit with final exams (yah semester system! No more Chemistry or Physics!). Plus I desperately needed a break from constantly writing depressing stories – it's pretty mentally draining on me. But I'm rested, relaxed, and ready to go now and hopefully there won't be anymore more breaks for awhile.

HUGE AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please, PLEASE, be aware that this story contains child abuse. You have been warned.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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Important, please read!

I have decided that this story is going to go up to the Kakashi Gaiden. Once I reach that point this story will end and I will start a new (yet to be named) story that picks up after the Kakashi Gaiden (else this story will end up like 900 chapters long – which is just silly). From now on I have decided that I will finish Fade to Black first and then go on and finish Self-Sustained Hell (hopefully). Since my other story, Red Hand, is not connected to any of my other stories I will be updating it randomly and it is not currently at the top of my priority list. Once Fade To Black and Self-Sustained Hell (unless I end up referencing too much to events in Kakashi's past, then I might have to put SSH on hold until I finish a few other storues) are completed then I will start writing stories in the chronological order that they take place (in terms of Kakashi's age). I have story ideas that go up to the end of the 2.5 year time skip that the manga took. Yes, that means that I have more stories that I'm writing and waiting to release after Fade To Black and Self-Sustained Hell are done.

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Part of The Kakashi Chronicles, that currently include (in chronological order):

Fade to Black

Black Day

Self-Sustained Hell

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"What the fuck are you doing!" I take the glass of sake away from the man slumped over the bar, "Really?" I sit down on the stool beside my long-time friend, not bothering to hide my anger, "I'm serious? What do you think you're doing?"

"Drinking?" he asks in confusion as he looks up at me, "What else does it look like I'm doing?"

So he isn't completely drunk yet, that's good. That's actually really good. He's in far better shape then I thought he would be in right now.

"Do you know that you still have a son? Do you know he thinks you hate him? Do you know that you're his father?"

He nods in a silent response as he reaches for the glass of sake again. I quickly grab his hand and stop it from reaching the glass.

"Are you even listening to me?"

He nods and tries to reach the glass again but I just grip his arm more tightly to stop him.

"For fuck sakes Sakumo!" My anger is getting the best of me, "This is not the time for you to be drinking away your sorrow! You have a son that needs you, go be the father you've never really been to begin with!"

I knew as soon as I said the last sentence that I shouldn't have said it. Not here, not in this public place. Sakumo's reputation is already shattered by his last, disastrous mission if he reacts badly to this then it's only going to make this village hate him more.

But he doesn't. He doesn't get angry or yell at me or do anything to suggest that he disagrees with what I just said. In fact, he stops reaching for the glass and turns his head away to stare at the wall so he doesn't have to look at me.

After a few minutes he breaks the silence between us, "Do you know that I've never done anything with Kakashi except train him. I never took him fishing, or went for walks, or played some sport with him. I never played tag with him, took him to the movies, or read him a book. Nothing," his voice his breaking, "All I've ever done is train him."

"Sakumo…"

"Don't try to make it better," he interrupts me, turning to face me again.

I can see the tears that glisten, unshed, in his eyes. Perhaps now that he's realized his mistake he will be able to fix it. Maybe now he will start to be the father that Kakashi deserved long ago.

"I didn't see it," he whispers, "I should've seen it but I didn't. I shouldn't have let him stay with Moro – I knew that man was fucked. And… and Kakashi, my own son, doesn't even trust me enough to tell me when something is wrong," his hands clench into fists as they rest on top of the bar, "He doesn't trust me."

"He trusts you, he was just scared. Scared you would hate him for not being strong enough to protect himself," I try to comfort my broken friend, my previous anger now forgotten.

"I don't know why Jiraiya…" his voice shudders with grief, "I don't know. Why did I let him become a shinobi? And why so young? What was I thinking?"

"You thought it was the right thing to do. This is a war, he was capable, he wanted it. You never thought this would happen, no one did. You were just trying to make him happy," I smile at him, "You were just being a father."

"For some reason," Sakumo runs a tired hand through his hair, "I remember having this exact conversation before only our roles were reversed – I was defending putting Kakashi in the Academy so young and you were telling me how I made a mistake."

"Situations change, people change, we have to adapt to our surroundings," I reply.

"So you're only saying what you think will comfort me? You just think I'm heart-broken and pathetic and need some reassurance?"

I slowly nod, "But I've never been that good at lying to you so it seems it doesn't really matter."

"It goes both ways," he mutters in response.

We fall into silence, listening to the noise of the other – far drunker – people in this pub.

"Jiraiya," Sakumo breaks the silence again, "There's something I need to tell you but… but you're probably going to have to report me for it."

I raise an eyebrow in question and nod to show him that he should continue. What has he done to fuck up this situation even more? He's already failed a mission to save teammates – a failure that could potential bring upon the destruction of this whole village – and yet he still has more wrongdoings to confess?

"I killed Moro."

He states it with such clear anger in his voice. For some reason I'm not quite as surprised as I should be for I still haven't found out exactly what Moro has done to all of the sudden bear the brunt of Sandaime's, Arashi's, and now Sakumo's anger.

"Forgive me for being ignorant," I whisper, "but I'm still in the dark as to what Moro has done to garner such anger from so many people."

"He… he…" Sakumo's voice begins to break and the unshed tears become shed, "He used… my son… as… as nothing more then… then… then an object of curiosity."

I briefly close my eyes as the sheer weight of what I've just heard crushes down on me. How could this have happened? How? How could he do such a thing and hide it from everyone? Why didn't Kakashi say something? Why didn't anyone noticed anything. Why didn't I noticed anything? And where the fuck has Sakumo been? How did he not notice? It's his fucking son for God's sake. How?

I lean back on the stool and tiredly rub my closed eyes with my right hand, my other hand grips the top of the bar for balance.

"What the fuck have you been doing for years?" I mutter, "Because it sure hasn't involved being a parent."

Sakumo slams his fist into the bar, garnering the attention of many of the people around us, "It's not like you, or anyone else noticed anything either! Don't put all the blame on me for something that everyone that was around Kakashi should've figured out!" He stands up in anger, "My son's been watched since the day he was born yet no one saw this! Where were you!" His voice is rising with every word he speaks, "Or Sarutobi! Or Arashi! Or Tsunade! You've been around him just as much as I have!"

"You're his father!" I scream back, my anger from earlier returning. Only now joined by a strong sense of frustration, "You're the one who has kept so much from him! To tell you the truth, I'm not surprise that he doesn't trust you! You've been one of the worst father's I've ever met!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT KIND OF FATHER I'VE BEEN!"

I blink, finding my head snapped to the side and black spots dancing in my vision. Luckily for me my hand that was gripping the bar managed to keep me on my stool. I raise my other hand to rub the tender spot on my jaw where Sakumo punched me.

The black spots in my vision fade away and I turn to look at the place where Sakumo stood only moments before. Except now he is gone, replaced by the smoke-stench air of the pub. I sigh as I release my hand from the bar and perform the familiar seals that will take me to the Hokage office. I need to tell Sandaime about Moro and how unstable Sakumo is. There is no way that Kakashi should even be allowed around his father right now. Not well he's like this, not well he has so much of his own pain to still deal with.

Sandaime doesn't even look up from his desk when I appear in his office. He's too used to shinobis just appearing in here – one day it's going to cause him some trouble.

"What brings you here Jiraiya-sensei?"

I turn around to face Arashi, who is sitting on the couch on the far end of the wall with Kakashi laying, asleep, on the same couch – the child's head resting on my former student's lap.

"You look tired," I say with a sad smile as I notice he hasn't even changed his blood-stained clothes yet.

"It's been a long day."

I nod, "I talked to Sakumo at the Jounin pub."

"They didn't kick him out from there?" Arashi questions in surprise.

"They bartender that was on shift is one of Sakumo's closer friends – I guess he felt some pity for him," I shrug.

Arashi rubs his eyes with his left hand in exhaustion, his right hand entangled in Kakashi's hair, "What are we going to do about Sakumo now? Most of the village hates him."

I sigh, "That's what I came here to talk about. Sakumo confessed yet another mistake he's made."

"What has he done now?" Sarutobi's tired voice questions from behind me.

"Well," I move to lean against the wall and shove my hands in my pockets, "He told me that he killed Moro."

"He what!" Arashi moves to get up but quickly realizes that he still has a child laying across his lap and that he can't move.

"Kakashi shouldn't stay with him, he's too unstable right now. He has to deal with all this shit first before he can even begin to be a father to his son again," I continue, ignoring Arashi's outburst, "Which means we need to find a place for Kakashi to stay for awhile until this is all sorted out."

"That's easier said then done," Sarutobi speaks up, "Kakashi isn't going to trust anyone with ease and now that he knows his father is back he's going to want to stay with him again."

"But he can't," Arashi mutters as he leans back against the couch, "So what do we do with him?"

"I guess he can stay with me," I suggest with a shrug, "He knows me so it wouldn't be too hard of an adjustment on his part."

"He can't," Sarutobi says and I send a quizzical look his way.

"You have a mission I need you to do," the Hokage finishes, "And it's long-term. Kakashi can't stay with you."

I sigh, "Fine, who then?"

"He can stay with me," Arashi speaks up.

Both Sarutobi and I turn to look at him. Is he crazy? He can't take care of a kid.

"You don't know the first thing about taking care of a child," I accuse.

"And you do?" he retorts, "You've never had children either. And it's not forever, just until Sakumo gets this all figured out."

"He barely even knows you! Do you think he'll just willingly stay at your house after what's happened before?" I question.

"I'm his sensei now!" my former student yells back, "He has to begin to trust me sometime!"

"Please," a small whimper cuts through the air, "Please don't argue."

The room goes silent. The tension could be cut with a knife. Wait, what the fuck am I? A bad story writer? Oh well, the phrase fits - a knife could cut the tension. All three of us turn to face the child on the couch. Wide eyes stare up at us. How long has he been awake? How much has he heard?

"I just don't want anyone to argue," the child whispers, "Everyone always argues when I'm around, I hate it."

"Kakashi," Arashi whispers to the child, "What do you think about staying with me for awhile?"

"I want to stay with daddy," he whimpers, "Why can't I stay with daddy? And why do you smell like blood?"

Arashi sighs and looks up at me – his face begging for me to help explain to this child what is going on without upsetting him. But the thing is, I'm as clueless as Arashi is in this situation right now.

Sarutobi stands up from his desk and moves to kneel in front of Kakashi, "Your father had to go on another, very important mission. I'm sorry but he's not here for you to stay with and there is no way we're going to allow you to stay with Moro again."

The child pushes himself up into a sitting position but remains leaning against Arashi, "Oh… okay," he stammers, "I guess I can stay with Arashi-sensei."

The Sandaime smiles at the child and stands up, "Very well, now that that is dealt with I suggest you to go and get settled in."

Arashi nods and stands up. Kakashi automatically stands up too and grabs a hold of Arashi's elbow as the shinobi performs those familiar seals and then disappears – the child along with him.

"You lied," I simply state as I turn to look at Sarutobi.

"As far as lies go," he replies, "it was a small one."

"Well… do you have any idea on what we should do now?" I ask the Hokage, not bothering to hide the frustration and exhaustion in my voice. Today really has been a very, very long day.

"I can't worry about Sakumo's health right now," he sighs in his own exhaustion, "I have to figure out a way to protect this village and reverse the damage that Sakumo has now done."

I nod for this doesn't really surprise me too much, "He should be put on suicide watch though," I suggest, "Else Kakashi is going to be left without a father to raise him."

"I can't afford that Jiraiya," Sandaime says as he walks over to one of the many windows in this office, "I can't afford to waste anyone on a suicide watch – we need everyone we can get on the defense. And that includes you and Arashi."

I move over to stand next to Sarutobi, "If you mean to use Arashi for missions then why are you allowing Kakashi to stay with him?"

"Because there was no other choice and I cannot worry myself with Kakashi's health or Sakumo's pain, I don't have the time nor the reason. Sakumo is disgraced and his skills will drop along with his own desire to live – I've seen it happen far too many times before."

"So you're just going to give up on him?" Anger starts to fill my voice, "He's not lost to us yet!"

"Even if his skills remain no one in this villages trusts him anymore. No shinobi would consent to work with him. And to tell you the truth, I no longer trust him. He could easily choose his teammates over the mission again – even after this."

"His choice saved Arashi, does that hold nothing for you?"

"His choice could destroy this village if we can't reverse the damage done, does that not worry you?" He bitterly retorts, "He is done – he mentally won't be able to handle being a shinobi anymore. He is useless to me now."

"So that's it, you will just give up on your friend because he isn't useful anymore?" I shake my head, "You've changed."

"This is a war Jiraiya, have you forgotten that?" His voice drops to a whisper, "I cannot save everyone I want in the middle of a war – I don't have the time."

"Well, what about Kakashi then? That child will become an amazing tool," I say the word 'tool' with anger, "one day if he lives long enough. Are you going to give up on him because you don't have the time?"

"If he lives he lives, if he doesn't he doesn't. I can't worry about him now for he is only a child. He can serve no use to this village right now. In the future he may be able too – but unfortunately it is currently not the future."

"You're not the person I once knew – you've changed too much," I mutter, "I don't like it."

"We all have to adapt to our situations. My focus is on the safety of this village as a whole – not a few individuals who've made their own choices to being upon their own fall."

"So you mean to return Kakashi's care to Sakumo as soon as you have need for Arashi?" I question in concern.

He nods in a silent answer to my question and I sigh in frustration.

"Sakumo is not stable enough to care for a child. I fear Kakashi will only be traumatized further if he is allowed to live with his father again."

"Don't get me wrong Jiraiya," sadness colours the Hokage's voice, "I do care for Kakashi and wish I could do more to help him but I just can't. If this wasn't a time of war I could, and I would, but it is a time of war and my focuses must stay on other matters. And so must yours and Arashi's. This child is not a God – his life is not one that will save or destroy this village."

I nod, "But he's only seven and already been through so much. I can't help feeling the need to protect him."

"None of us can. But we have more important matters to deal with. You are a shinobi first and foremost, remember that."

I sigh, "Very well. But know now that I will not give up on Sakumo and Kakashi like you seem to have. When I have time away from my duties to this village then I will be checking up on them and trying to help them."

"I won't stop you as long as it doesn't interfere with your job."

We fall into silence as we watch the sun set before us – casting the village before us into shadows as night falls. I push away from the window, turn around, and quietly leave the room; letting the Hokage be alone with his own thoughts.

I can't quite shake the feeling that Kakashi may very well be one that could save or destroy this village. There is something remarkable about that child. Something that suggests he is destined for greatness, whether Sarutobi sees it or not.