Fade to Black

Summary: Torn between two lives, broken by the choices he has to make. Will Hatake Kakashi live to see the next day or will he fade into obscurity:: A story of love, loss, pain, and happiness; the childhood of the great Copy Nin Kakashi.

Genre: Drama/Angst

Rating: T

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Naruto.

Author's Notes: I'm purposely writing this story in fragmented sentences because I believe that most kids, no matter how smart they are, process thoughts in fragmented sentences. But that's just my opinion.

Holy… another update? Yup… that's right. It's like, insane writing period for me. I can't believe that I'm this inspired – I just can't stop! Yah for me:) Plus… this is the longest chapter of the story so far. So another yah for me:)

I am not an expert in medicine or diseases or anything like that. So please excuse any medical mistakes.

HUGE AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please, PLEASE, be aware that this story contains child abuse. You have been warned.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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I'm cold and shaking and it feels so odd in here. And Sensei's bathroom tiles are gray, not white, and my blood doesn't look the same on gray tiles. And it feels so awkward to stain his floors – even when I wipe it clean.

It doesn't feel right to spill my blood in Sensei's house. Even if it calms me down, it stills feels wrong.

And I can't believe that I'm living in Sensei's house. But there's no where else to go and they don't want me living alone. However, I don't know how this is considered living with someone else – Sensei is rarely home. He's always out on missions.

And I'm not because they won't let me. They think that I need a rest, that I'm going to break if I keep doing missions.

They don't understand that I'm already broken. They don't understand that it's the missions that keep me sane. They don't understand that being left alone in this house, with nothing to do, is not helping me. They don't understand that there isn't really much that they can do to help me.

It's not so bad when Sensei's here. Just his presence is calming enough. And I don't mind being around him because I trust him. I know he will never hurt me – after all, he is the Hokage.

And sometimes I wonder why the Hokage is doing such dangerous missions. But this is a time of war and I guess if he's needed than he has to go, Hokage or not.

The blood still splatters on the tile floor. But the tiles are gray and it doesn't feel right and it doesn't calm me like it should. And Sensei worries and every time he comes back he asks me how I am. And I lie and say I'm fine but he sees right through it. And he checks my wrists and knows I still cut and he tries to get me to stop but I can't.

It hurts him to see me hurt but he doesn't understand. I always wonder just how much of this war is because of father's mistake. I've asked around and eavesdropped and figured out how important daddy's mission had been. That mission needed to succeed but it didn't and so much of this war is going on because daddy failed. And I wonder, if daddy had lived would he have been able to fix his mistake? I think he would've. Which means that if I had only been strong enough to make daddy want to stay for me than he could've fixed everything and stopped this war.

Then I wouldn't have had to go on all those missions and I wouldn't be where I am – and neither would Konoha. And everything would've been so much different and so much better.

And it's all my fault.

But no one wants to believe me – or they don't want me to think that they believe me. They don't want me to feel guilty because it's harder to function when weighed down with emotions.

And it's still all so unbearable because no matter how hard everyone tries they can't erase the fact that this is all my fault. And I still feel guilty so why don't they just admit to me that it's my fault? I'd rather they tell the truth then lie all the time.

But I can't really blame them. It seems everyone lies… I know I do.

It's all so boring and annoying and I just want to escape. The missions let me escape but they won't let me go on them so now I'm stuck with my blood on the gray tile floors and it doesn't seem right and I still feel.

And I really don't want to feel.

So I leave the house and return to Senji's. His house still smells like blood and the bathroom tiles aren't white anymore – they've been stained an odd brown-ish colour. And they tried to clean this place up but they didn't get everything and blood still stains the bathroom and taints the air. But I'm not here to spill blood on the tile floors because that just doesn't work anymore.

So I take his alcohol and I take his drugs because no one bothered to remove them from the house. And it all feels so wrong and I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't help it. I shove it all under my Chunin vest and go back to Sensei's house. And I sit on my bed with everything in front of me and I debate with myself whether I should do it or not.

And I do.

I remember what to do because I watched Senji and Leia too many times to ever forget. And I know this is all so wrong and I'm only nine and I shouldn't even feel like I need to do this. But I do and I can't forget and I can't get numb and this is the only thing left. And I use the same razor I use to spill my blood to chop the chunks into a fine powder. And I line it up in little white lines on top of the magazine on my bed. And a part of my mind is screaming at me to stop this and not to do it because I won't be able to go back. And the razor is now stained with my blood and the drugs.

I lean forward and plug one nostril and I snort the line and it kind of hurts but I keep going. And I know this is all so very wrong and I shouldn't be doing this and I'm just becoming more and more of a failure each passing second.

And I finish the line but nothing has really happened so I do the next one, and the next one, and before long it's all gone. And something starts to feel different and I start to feel better and a little happier. I can feel my heart start to race and my mind start to calm down.

And everything seems so much better and happier and I lean back on the bed. I close my eyes and take deep breathes and it all doesn't seem so bad and I just stay there for awhile. And now I know why Senji and Leia liked this drug so much – it makes everything seem not-so-bad and I kind of like.

I think I can get use to this feeling.

I start to feel restless and I want to do something so I get up and leave the house. I walk aimless around the darkness of Konoha – it's nighttime so not many people are out. I want to do something but I don't know what, and I want to talk to someone but I don't know who.

And it feels so nice to not care and to be able to forget and I don't want this feeling to end.

And I walk, and I walk, and I walk, and I walk. I don't know how long I'm out here but I notice it's raining and I don't feel cold. I don't feel anything and it's nice and I wish I could stay like this forever. And the village gets darker and darker and I find myself in the training grounds. I should focus more on where I'm going before I end up outside of Konoha but I don't really care because this all suddenly feels like a game to me. And I take in the cold air on my own because breathing in isn't the hard part – it's breathing out that takes effort.

And I wonder if this is all me going so very, very insane because I shouldn't be so nonchalant. And I'm too close to the edge of the borders and there's still a war going on and who knows what enemies could be lurking in the shadows.

I think I'm starting to get paranoid but I can't help it and everything seems to be falling apart now. And it saddens me because I was feeling so happy and relaxed moments ago but now I don't. Everything suddenly feels like a threat and I can't stand any sound and I hate the rain because it limits my ability to smell.

Maybe I'm crying and maybe I'm not. I can't really tell because the rain is hiding it all. And I fall against a tree and I wonder how I got so far away from town. And it's all coming back and I want the drugs again but they're so far away.

I knew this was a mistake before I even started. I knew I was going to end up fucked over and paranoid because Senji and Leia always ended up like this. And it all hurts so much more than before and I don't know why. And I just want Sensei because Sensei makes me feel safe and not like this. I hate myself for what I've done and what I'm feeling and I want it all to go away but it won't.

And my kunai traces lines across my wrist. And the rain washes the blood away before it hits the ground. And it feels so wrong to not watch it splatter across the tile floors. Everything's so fucked up and I shouldn't be like this. I'm only nine years old; I should be playing tag with my friends and laughing and joking and having a good time. But I'm not.

And I can't make the pain go away anymore. Because nothing works and the drugs don't even fix it. And everything is just a temporary band-aid and I feel like I'm bleeding from the inside out.

I draw my legs up to my chest and hug them. The blood from my wrists soaks into my clothes but the rain washes it all away anyways.

I don't know how long I stay here but I'm getting cold and the rain is far to wet and everything isn't right. I feel as if the world is spinning the wrong way because everything's so screwed up and shouldn't be like this.

And I just want to go on a mission and make myself useful. And maybe if I kill someone it will make all the pain go away.

But I know it won't but that's okay because I can pretend it does. I'm good at pretending and lying and hiding. It's easier to live in a false reality than to face myself.

Because myself is far too ugly to face. And everything I do is wrong and everything I say is wrong. And all I do is make mistakes and screw up and fuck everything up for everyone else. And I try and I try but it doesn't every work out like it should.

And someone's coming. I can hear him and I don't know if that's good or bad. And I want him to leave me alone and not notice me but that probably won't happen. And I wonder if he'll know me or not. And I wonder if he's from Konoha or not. And I wonder if he's an enemy that I'll have to kill. I want to kill but I probably won't be lucky enough to have him be an enemy.

And it all hurts more than it should.

He kneels down in front of me and I raise my head to met his eyes. I don't recognize him but he seems to know me.

He asks me if I'm okay and I shake my head and say I'm sorry. He looks sadly at me and scoops me up in his arms. And I let him because I'm too tired to fight back and I don't care if he hurts me. And I kind of wish he would because then I could focus on the pain and not the memories.

And daddy won't leave me alone and it's pissing me off because it's been so long and he shouldn't be here anymore. I should be able to forget him but I can't and I can't shake the memory and I just want it all to go away.

I think I fell asleep in his arms because the next thing I know I'm in Sensei's office but Sensei isn't here because he's on a mission. So Sarutobi is here instead and the man lays me on the couch and Sarutobi looks sadly at me.

And I wonder why Sarutobi never speaks to me anymore. But I'm too tired to think about it so I fold myself into the fetal position and close my eyes. Someone places a blanket on me but I'm not to sure who and I don't care to find out. And I think that perhaps I should've changed out of my clothes but I'm too tired to. And the wetness makes me shiver but I don't really notice because I'm too exhausted.

And somehow I manage to fall asleep.

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"Hey! Wake-up!"

I groan and blink my eyes to see who it is who so rudely interrupted my sleep.

"Father says I have to be friends with you, or something… so get up lazy-head!"

I blink a couple more times and the blurriness from sleep finally leaves my vision. I recognize the kid who stands before me – he's one who's always standing by when the other kids hurt me… though he himself has never participated in the beatings they all seem to enjoy so much.

"Get-up!"

"Does your father know you smoke?" I groggily question as the scent of smoke assaults my nostrils.

He tilts his head and than laughs. "The adults all say you're amazing, you know that right?"

I sit up and rub the back of my neck to relieve the kink that developed from sleeping on the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"Father told me I had to stay with you."

"I don't need a baby-sitter." My voice is a little more angry than I meant it to be. "Especially when you're what, ten?" He nods. "That's only a year older than me."

"They say you've already been on A-rank missions."

My heart skips a few beats as even the mention of those missions brings back memories I'd rather forget. Memories I've tried to forget for so long.

"I don't want to talk about it."

He nods. "The highest I've been on is a C-rank. It's amazing that you're so young and already doing A-rank missions. Especially when you're still only a Chunin."

I push myself off the couch. "Didn't I just tell you I didn't want to talk about it?"

He chuckles. "Well, whatever. I'm suppose to take you back to your house so you can change."

"I think I can get there myself." I don't bother to hide the sarcasm in my voice.

He shrugs. "Sure. I have other things I want to do anyways. Oh, by the way… my name's Asuma so if anyone asks I was with you all day, k?"

"Fine."

And I watch his back as he walks out the door and leaves me all alone in Sensei's office where the air is still and empty because Sensei isn't even here.

I sigh and jump out the window; landing softly on the ground below. My body's shaking and I think I might've caught a cold which is kind of annoying because I don't want to have to deal with a cold.

And I open the door to Sensei's house and the air is just as still and empty as the air in Sensei's office because Sensei isn't here either. And I go to my room and I change my clothes and the drugs are still sitting in that bag on my bed.

I grab that stupid bag and shove it between my mattresses and I take a gulp from one of the bottles of alcohol. It burns my throat but I don't really mind and it doesn't really help because nothing really helps anymore.

And I place all the alcohol in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I wonder if Sensei will ever find it all and what will I tell him if he ever does? I don't know… there isn't really any words that I have that could explain why because I don't really know why I do it all. It doesn't help, it never helps anymore… nothing helps but I keep on trying.

Because I always think that somehow it's going to work this time.

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Sensei always says he's sorry. Sorry for not being here as much as he wishes he could be. Sorry for putting me on such dangerous missions. Sorry for not being able to help me. Sorry for the pain I feel. Sorry for the guilt I feel. Sorry he can't fix it all. Sorry he couldn't protect me from this all.

And he doesn't understand that it's not his fault – it's mine. And maybe he feels the same guilt I do. If he does than I really feel sorry for him because I know how painful it is. I always try to explain to him that it's not his fault and that it's mine and father's and that all this is happening because I failed to help father. But he just shakes his head and says I don't understand because I don't know everything.

And then I yell at him and try to get him to tell me it all but he doesn't. And the only thing I ever got out of him was that he was on the same mission father was on – the one that everyone hates father for. And it all seems so surreal because he knows what I so desperately want to know but he won't tell me. And I think he feels guilty because father gave up the mission to save him but that was father's choice and not his and he shouldn't feel guilty.

And it all makes my head hurt.

My blood stains his gray tile floors and I hate it because it doesn't help anymore but I still do it. And when Sensei's gone on those S-rank missions that I can't go on I reach between my mattresses and pull out the drugs that do nothing but make me forget for awhile and then come crashing down. And I hate myself every time I use but I can't stop and it's amazing how many people will sell drugs to a nine year old. And sometimes I fear that I don't hide the alcohol on my breath as well as I should but if anyone notices they don't say anything.

And I'm almost ten and everyone knows about the blood and the alcohol – but not yet the drugs – yet no one can help me stop because for some reason I don't want to. It all just sort-of makes me numb and sort-of makes me forget… but it doesn't really.

And sometimes I see Asuma and he's going on more dangerous missions because he's eleven now. And he offers me a smoke every now and then and it helps still my shaking hands. And his company is kind of nice. And sometimes Nozomi joins us – but she doesn't smoke – and it all seems so surreal because I think they might kind-of be my friends but I'm not too sure.

Every now and then I go on these missions with Raido – who's fourteen – and Genma –who's eleven – and I feel kind-of like I belong. And it sort of feels nice. And we work really well together, even when Sensei isn't with us. So we keep getting sent on missions together. And sometimes when it's just a B-rank Asuma will come with us. For some reason we all sort-of get along together and our skills compliment each other. And it feels kind of nice because I'm only nine but they don't see that and they respect me and believe in me and let me do more than the adults do when I go with them. And they listen to what I have to say and consider it and realize that I'm actually a little more smarter than the adults think.

But somewhere in the back of my mind I'm terrified that it will all end and I'll be left all alone again. And I don't think I could deal with that so I make sure I don't get too close. That way when they do leave me it won't hurt quite as much.

And it's nice to think that I just might have a few friends.

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It hurts because it's my fault. I couldn't protect them and now they're all injured and Asuma's almost dead and I think Sarutobi hates me for not being able to protect his son. And Sensei keeps saying it's not my fault but I'm so tired of people telling me that because they're all just lying.

And it hurts because they were sort-of my friends; Raido, Genma, and Asuma. And now they're all injured and I wasn't and I couldn't save them and it all happened so fast.

I might be ten now but I'm still not strong enough or skilled enough to save the ones I love. And now nothing dulls the pain – not even the drugs. And more blood covers the gray tile floors than can be healthy. And even Sensei's presence doesn't calm my nerves anymore. And my heart is always racing and I think it might be failing. And I don't want to deal with that anymore.

And Sensei said I broke the seal. But I don't remember but Sensei's not surprised. He said it wasn't designed to hold my chakra in forever and that it shouldn't be a problem because I should be able to control it all now. And he thinks I'm getting better but I'm not – I'm just getting better at hiding everything again.

Nozomi still comes and she doesn't tell me it's not my fault because she knows I don't want to hear it. And she just sits and lets me mumble on about how everything is so hard and everything's my fault. And she holds my hand and tells me that she still likes me and that she doesn't hate me. And sometimes it's enough and sometimes it's not.

But I can't cry anymore because the tears have all dried up. And all the memories just won't leave me alone. But father doesn't really haunt me much anymore because there's so many more worse memories to take his place. But he still comes at night sometimes and I can still smell the blood from his study. And it all torments me and won't leave me alone and nothing makes me numb anymore.

And all the other children hate me more and more with each passing day and each passing mission. They hate me now because I keep coming home and their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers don't. And they hate me because I'm ten and I keep surviving but their love ones are dieing when they're in their twenties and thirties and should be so much stronger and so much more experience than I am. But somehow I'm coming home and they aren't and all the children hate me for it.

At least they've stopped tormenting me about father and his mistake. I guess it's been so long that everyone's gotten bored with him or have just forgotten.

I wish I could forget.

And Sensei keeps sending me on missions because the village has barely any Shinobis left. And so many people are dieing but I keep surviving and it doesn't make sense. And now that I'm older and they think I'm better they want me in ANBU – 'they' being the adults. But Sensei keeps saying that I'm too young and keeps trying to prevent everyone else from getting me to join. And I know he's trying and that he's Hokage but I'm older now and I know that the Hokage doesn't always hold all the power. Sometimes the Elders form the Council that almost always overturns the Hokages decisions. And I know that the Elders are trying to get me into ANBU because they don't know me like Sensei does and they don't care if I live or die. They just know that I can do it so they want me in it because they need me.

And I'm just a tool to them. And I really wouldn't mind being in ANBU because than there's more of a chance that I won't come home. And I never really want to come home from missions anymore because it all holds too much pain. The missions are the only things left that help numb me and help me forget because I get so focused on them that I can't remember the memories. But the missions torment me after because I can't forget them so I have to go on more missions to forget. But more missions just brings more tormenting memories.

It's just one terrible cycle that I can't escape.

And I know that I'm not actually in ANBU because I'm only ten and even the Elders are wary about putting a ten year old in ANBU. So instead they put my on A-rank missions that I know are so much more dangerous than A-rank missions should be. And I know the missions are suppose to be S-rank and I have a feeling that they've been mislabeled on purpose just so that I'll do them. I don't really mind though I think I probably should.

And Sensei says he's sorry because he got out-voted and now I'm out doing mislabeled A-rank missions while Raido, Genma, and Asuma are still sick and injured and in the hospital. And Sarutobi still doesn't look at me. And my heart still aches.

And somehow I think my heart is failing, or my body's rejecting it, or something like that. And I should probably tell someone but I don't really want to because I kind of want my heart to fail so that I won't wake up. Because if I don't wake up then I don't have to face the memories and I don't have to go on missions.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll go to Hell or Heaven. I wonder where father is? Did he end up in Hell? Or did he end up in Heaven? I want to go where he went, even if it was Hell.

Because somehow I don't think Hell would be so bad if father was there with me.

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My lungs burn with every gasping breath I take. And I can't find the energy to get out of bed. And Sensei's not here because he's on a mission and I don't think he'll be back for awhile. But he might be back soon – I can't remember.

And my vision is blurry and my body aches and my heart – oh God my heart feels like it's on fire. And I didn't really want to die this way but I think I might. And there's so many people I still need to talk to and so many things I need to fix.

But it's hard to think because everything hurts so much. And I can't get out of bed because I'm too exhausted and in too much pain. So I curl up in the fetal position and wait. I know this is just my body rejecting my heart.

And maybe I should've taken my medication on a more regular basis. And maybe I should've told someone when my heart first started to hurt. And maybe I shouldn't have drunk and done so many drugs. And maybe I should've ate more. And maybe… maybe I shouldn't have been such a failure.

I think I'm suppose to start a mission today but I can't get out of bed. And maybe someone will come and find me since I'm suppose to be on a mission. And maybe there's still a chance of me surviving. And I don't know how I feel about that.

And my blood feels like it's been replaced with acid and everything hurts so very much. And I stay in the fetal position and whimper because it hurts too much. And sometimes waves of pain hit me and I scream out and I'm left gasping for air. And I keep peeing the bed but my pee is all yellow and red and brown and I don't think that's normal. And my muscles all ache and everything hurts and I never thought I would die like this.

I hear someone come in and I can barely sense Sensei's chakra through the haze of pain that surrounds my brain. And he calls my name but I don't have the energy to respond. He opens my bedroom door and finds me all huddled up under the blankets whimpering and moaning and it all hurts so much more than I can bear.

He's at my side in seconds and pulls back the sheets. He sees the pee – all red and brown and yellow-ish – that stains the sheets and he scoops me up. Before I know it we're at the hospital and I feel so tired and I just want to sleep and never wake up. But the doctor's won't let me.

They all ask me questions and someone calls for my file. And Sensei talks to them and explains about my heart. And it all happens so fast and someone asks me what hurts but I can't respond because my throat is so dry.

And they lay me on a gurney and wheel me off to an operating room. And someone asks if there's any hearts available for me and someone else replies in the affirmative. And I curse God because I know they'll do a transplant and I know I'll survive and I'll wake up and be all fine. And I'll be able to do this all over again.

And I really don't want to wake up. Because this is what I deserve. And I should die because I should've died back in that last mission – I should've died and Raido and Genma and Asuma should've been fine. But I didn't because I failed and I don't want to face that failure and I don't want to face myself and I just want to go to Hell and be with daddy.

And even on the operating table the memories won't leave me alone. And all those people I've killed scream at me and tell me this is what I deserve. And it makes me want to cover my ears but I can't because my body hurts too much and the doctor's gave me a drug to make me sleep. And I can't believe that those fucking ghosts won't just leave me alone – I'm on a God damned operating table and yet they still torture me.

It all makes my head hurt. And I'm glad for the drugs because they make the screams a little more duller and the memories a little more faded. And it all kind of makes me numb but not really because nothing can make me numb anymore.

Nothing.