Fade to Black

Summary: Torn between two lives, broken by the choices he has to make. Will Hatake Kakashi live to see the next day or will he fade into obscurity:: A story of love, loss, pain, and happiness; the childhood of the great Copy Nin Kakashi.

Genre: Drama/Angst

Rating: T

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Naruto.

Author's Notes: I'm purposely writing this story in fragmented sentences because I believe that most kids, no matter how smart they are, process thoughts in fragmented sentences. But that's just my opinion.

I am not an expert in medicine or diseases or anything like that. So please excuse any medical mistakes.

2nd Author's Notes: OMG! UPDATE! But serious... it's summer so I have no school now which means that updates are going to be on a more regular basis. I'm shooting for updates once a week for both this story and Red Hand so let's hope I can stay on that schedule.

HUGE AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please, PLEASE, be aware that this story contains child abuse. You have been warned.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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"He's using Sakumo's Chakra blade now." Jiraiya leans against the railing beside the former Hokage.

Sarutobi sighs. "I didn't think he ever would."

Jiraiya taps his fingers against the smooth wood as the sun sits high above them. "Something has to change or Kakashi's going to end up killing himself."

The Sannin is met with silence from the Hokage and he turns his head to look worriedly at his former sensei.

"Why have you cut yourself off from the kid?" Jiraiya finally dares to ask the question that has been on his mind for such a long time.

"It was my fault… I should've never left Sakumo. I thought he would get passed his pain. I thought he would be able to deal with it himself. But… but he couldn't."

Jiraiya sighs and returns his gaze to watching his fingers tapping against the railing. "Ignoring Kakashi isn't going to make anything better."

"No… but every time I see Kakashi I'm reminded of Sakumo. He looks so much like him… acts so much like him… it's painful to just see him."

"It's painful for us all but that's no excuse. It's our duty to save Kakashi – after all, we're the ones who failed to save Sakumo."

"I don't know how you can do it." Sarutobi's voice falls to a low whisper. "I don't know how you can look at Kakashi without seeing Sakumo."

"I can't. Kakashi is everything Sakumo was – Kakashi is the past and we all hate the past. But that doesn't mean we can ignore him. Kakashi's the future too."

"So Kakashi's both the past and the future? He's only missing the present." Sarutobi's voice is now bitter with memories he'd rather forget.

"I don't think you see what I see." It's Jiraiya's turn to have his voice become a mere whisper. "Kakashi will grow up to be Konoha's trump card. He is strong, intelligent, talented – he is everything needed in a Shinobi and more."

"Except he's Sakumo's son."

"Yeah… except he's Sakumo's son."

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"You're joining my Genin team."

I freeze, staring at the now abandoned bowl of cereal. "Genin team? But…"

"No buts," Sensei interrupts. "You joining my Genin team."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

I roll my eyes. "That's not a reason."

"It's good enough for me."

I sigh and return to eating my cereal. I don't know what Sensei is trying to do but it's not going to work. Being a part of a Genin team isn't going to help me – nor is it going to help Konoha. The Village needs me for more dangerous missions than what I would be able to do as part of a Genin team.

"They're not idiots."

"I know."

"Don't hate them just because they're still Genin. Give them a chance."

I stop eating and look up at Sensei. "Look… I'm not that incapable of social interaction. I'll be fine as long as they don't piss me off."

Sensei sighs. "Just don't freak them out – they're already nervous about meeting you."

"Why?"

"You're reputation precedes you… they've heard stories. And unfortunately, most of those stories are true."

I shrug and return to eating. "When?" I ask after I finish the bowl and stand up to place it in the sink.

"Today."

I let the bowl clang into the sink as I force myself to push away the nervousness that starts to eat away at me. They're just people, children, kids my age. Nothing too get worked up about it.

"Kakashi?"

I will my hands to stop shaking. "I'm fine," I quietly whisper.

Sensei places his hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, you'll be okay."

"Of course I will," I mutter, "They're just kids I'm meeting."

"Kids?" Sensei chuckles. "They're both ten, just like you."

"Yah, but they probably still have their innocence." I turn and walk out of the kitchen and back to my room.

Sensei just stares, mouth slightly open, in shock at the empty air where I used to be.

I suddenly feel so very, very cold.

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I stop walking as soon as I catch sight of them.

"What's wrong?" Sensei asks in concern.

I know them. I've seen the two of them before. Seen them so many times that it makes me sick. Especially the boy. Those nights when the kids would torment me and beat me, those nights when I was too weak and tired too fight back – those two where there.

"Kakashi?"

I take a deep breath to calm my mind and settle the shaking of my body. That was then, this is now. They didn't know any better. They were simply jealous and frightened and confused.

"Kakashi?"

"I'm fine." My voice is low and tinted with desperately suppressed anger.

Sensei kneels down in front of me and I'm thankfully that the two kids haven't seen us yet.

"Look, something's wrong… what is it?"

I hate how Sensei can read me so much more than anyone else – so much more than even myself.

"I'm fine." Too bad I'm stubborn and can't allow myself to get any help at all.

Sensei sighs in defeat and stands back up. I know he won't let this go and that later tonight, when we return home, he'll question me until I tell him what's bothering me. But until then I'll refuse to tell him anything – because telling him forces me to accept it all myself.

Together we continue walking to the other two kids who we're meant to meet. We push through the rest of the underbrush until we finally step into the clearing of the small training circle.

The two kids look up from their conversation and quickly stand up. They both bow respectively to Sensei – or I guess who they consider the Yondaime – and then straighten. They look everywhere except at me.

Sensei nudges me slightly and I sigh. "I'm Hatake Kakashi," I mutter.

The girl looks at me and smiles softly. "My name's Chiba Rin. I'm training to be a medic-nin."

I raise an eyebrow in question. "Really? Impressive." Medic-nins are rare because they take many, many years of training. Far more than the average shinobi.

The boy looks up and I can see an anger hidden in his eyes. And I wonder why the hell he's wearing goggles.

"I'm Uchiha Obito," he states.

I look the boy up and down. He's shorter than me and just the way he's built and the way he holds himself I can tell that he isn't the strongest of Shinobis. This child is from the Uchiha clan?

"Do you have the Sharingan yet?" I nonchalantly ask.

"Kakashi!" Sensei snaps. "That's none of your business."

I shrug.

Sensei sighs. "Today and tomorrow I want to be just training so that you guys can get used to working together. Also, I need to see where you guys work well together and where you need help."

The three of us nod in understanding and I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. Will these two surprise me and match my abilities or will they be so far below me that I can't stand to fight with them? I don't know but I fear either outcome and somehow I don't think they'll manage to hit the middle of those marks.

This could be an interesting few days.

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"Kakashi!"

I freeze as my katana makes contact with a kunai grasped in Sensei's hand.

"This is a spar! Not a 'see-who-can-kill-the-other-fastest' competition!"

I cringe at the anger in Sensei's voice and let my katana drop limply to my side. Obito stares up at me from his position lying on the ground; eyes wide with horror and fear. Sensei sighs and turns around to help Obito up.

"Kakashi, how many times have I told you? You need to hold back!" Sensei snaps, his back still turned to me.

"It's not my fault he can't keep up," I mutter, sheathing my katana into the holster on my back.

Sensei sharply turns around. "But it would be your fault if he died!"

I cringe, again, at the anger and frustration in Sensei's voice and body language.

"Would it really matter?" Is it bad that I don't seem to care whether I do accidentally kill Obito or Rin?

Sensei runs his hand tiredly through his hair and turns around to face me. He looks like he dearly wants to say something but instead he just bites his lip and lets out a frustrated sigh.

"I don't want to work with you," Rin speaks up from her seat on a rock a couple feet away. "I don't feel comfortable with you." Her voice is so quiet and timid that I can barely hear her.

"Look at it this way," I reply, "If you ever get in trouble I'm one of your best chances at survival."

"Except you'd pick the mission over our lives any day," Obito accuses, "You don't care about us at all!"

"Stop fighting!" Sensei yells. I don't think he thought it would be this hard for me to join is Genin team.

The three of us fall silent and Sensei just sighs, again, in frustration and exhaustion. "We're done for today," he states, "Meet at the same place and same time tomorrow."

Obito and Rin nod and collect their stuff. A few minutes later their walking home side by side – like friends. That thought strikes a painful chord inside me but I push that away and ignore it.

"We need to talk." Sensei's voice is strained and it makes me cringe, one of many times I've cringed these past few days.

"This was your idea," I state as we start walking back home.

"You're not making this easy for anyone."

"So it's my fault?" I can't hide the anger in my voice. "It's not my fault they're slow, untrained, and can't keep up. Put them on any missions and they're going to get killed."

"That's not the problem." Sensei is getting more and more frustrated by the second. "They're not slow, they're not untrained, they just not Geniuses... and that's not their fault. They're at the level that they should be for their age. That's why you need to hold back."

"Me holding back isn't going to help them at all."

"You're not the one responsible for training them! You have to do what I say if this is going to work at all."

"Maybe it just isn't meant to work."

"Maybe you're just sabotaging this because you can't deal with the fact that a team means you have to share my attention."

It's not the actual statement that shocks me and causes me to stop walking but I think it's just the bitterness of Sensei's voice. Like he resents the fact that he has to care for me now. And that kind of hurts.

Sensei stops walking and turns around to face me. He rubs his eyes in tiredness and kneels down in front of me. "Look. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's just… it's just that I'm stressed and tired right now and…"

"It's fine," I interrupt, trying desperately to hide the shock and pain at his previous words. "It's fine."

Sensei mutters something to himself and returns to walking. I fall into step behind him and we stay silent for the rest of the way home.

Or at least we stay silent for a few more minutes before an ANBU member appears in front of us.

"There's an attack on the East side!" The ANBU blurts out. "Shinobi from the Sand. We need all the men we can get!"

Sensei nods and turns around to face me. "Go home Kakashi, don't get involved in this."

"We need him too!" The ANBU shouts. "Are you crazy? Send the kid, he can take care of himself. He'll be fine!"

The ANBU performs a few seals and disappears. Sensei sighs and nods at me; telling me that yes, in fact, I should go to the front lines too. We both perform the same series of seals and disappear at the same time, only to reappear at different ends of the East side of Konoha.

I see immediately that Konoha is far outnumbered and that the Sand have planned this attack for quite awhile. In barely a minute I've killed at least fifteen Sand Shinobis who had moved to attack me. Father's Chakra Blade glows a soft white in my hand as I use it, somewhat awkwardly, to defeat the enemies that have now surrounded me.

It's impossible to break free of the circle of enemies and find another Konoha Shinobi to team up with and fight back to back. Every person I kill is just replaced by another. And their blood splatters on my clothes and Father's blade – and it causes my grip to slip. I fear that soon I might get Father's Chakra Blade knocked from my hands. And then I might just be a little screwed.

Somehow I either managed to work myself to the other end of the battlefield or Sensei work his way to my end because know I can see him in the crowd. He's holding his own but there's a lot of people attacking him – he is, after all, the Hokage.

I can see Jiraiya too, but he looks tired and worn and come to think of it the Sannin just got back from his own month-long mission earlier today – he shouldn't be out here fighting.

And then I catch sight of Obito and Rin and my heart skips a beat. They shouldn't be out here at all; they'll get themselves killed. They're too inexperienced and too slow and they don't have a fighting chance. But I don't think Sensei's noticed that they're out here because he hasn't made any effort to fight his way to their side.

So I bite my lip and put more effort into my attacks. After a few slow minutes I manage to hack a way through to where Obito and Rin are; they're just barely holding off the enemy. At least they're fighting back to back – a good choice of theirs.

A moment later I manage to break through the enemies that encircle me and the ones that encircle Obito and Rin. And I did it not a minute too soon as I find myself blocking a blow that would've easily behead Rin.

"Kakashi!" Obito's surprised voice exclaims.

"You two shouldn't be here," I mutter, "You'll get yourselves killed."

"Shut-up," Obito growls out, "We're fine."

"No you're not… I'm saving your asses… that means you're not fine."

"Stop fighting each other and fight the enemies!" Rin yells at us.

I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from retorting and instead I focus on fighting. I easily dispose of ten more enemies within minutes.

I catch sight of Jiraiya, who's not that far away from where I am and who's on a lower ground level that I am, and I see that he's been overwhelmed by enemies. A lump forms in my throat but I turn away so that I don't have to watch if Jiraiya gets injured or not. I don't think I could bare to see such a thing in the middle of my own battle.

I find myself protecting Obito and Rin, who have both managed to get themselves injured and are struggling to keep fighting. I can't tell if their injuries are serious enough to be life-threatening but I hope not.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of Jiraiya again and I find myself frozen to the spot. I watch in horror as a sword breaks the Sannin's tired guard and pierces through the left side of his chest. In truth, Jiraiya's too far away for me to see if the sword pierced chest, shoulder, or heart – but I've come to expect the worst in this world.

"Kakashi!"

Obito's warning doesn't come soon enough and in my shocked stupor I don't notice the enemy that approaches behind me until it's far, far too late. I feel the blade as it pierces me from behind and I look down to see the point of the katana poking out from in-between my ribs.

I hear Rin's strangled gasp and I can just imagine the shocked look that her face holds.

I watch as Jiraiya happens to look in my direction. I can't make out his face from where I am – he's too far away.

"Arashi!" Jiraiya calls out, and his voice sounds fuzzy and hollow to me.

I don't know what transpired between the Sannin and the Hokage but I can faintly hear Sensei call out my name.

Whoever it is who's holding the katana in my body pulls it out with a sickening sucking sound. I feel my warm blood soak my clothes and my Father's blade slips from my limp grasp to clang loudly against the rocky ground.

I can feel the air around me moving, telling me that whoever it is who's behind me has just swung their sword – aiming for my neck to finally end my life.

I hear the distinct sound of katana striking kunai behind me and I manage to turn around enough to see Sensei standing protectively in front of me; kunai blocking the enemy's bloody sword from beheading me.

I blink, trying desperately to clear my blurry vision but it doesn't help. I place my hand on top of the gaping hole in-between my ribs in an attempt to stop the bleeding but I don't think it really helps. I'm so weak from all the blood I've already lost that I don't even have the strength to place any real pressure against the wound.

The last thing I see before unconsciousness takes me is Sensei's kunai slitting the throat of the Sand shinobi who has pretty much killed me.

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Arashi is shocked to hear Jiraiya's voice call his name – he thought the Sannin was at the other end of the battlefield. Regardless, the Yondaime manages to twist himself around to catch sight of Jiraiya.

"Kakashi!" The Sannin yells, pointing to his left – Arashi's right.

In seconds the Hokage has spotted Kakashi and is making his to his student's side. He pushes the image of the katana through Kakashi's body out of his mind because he knows he can't think about that until later – now it will only distract him.

Arashi watches as the Sand shinobi pulls the katana out of his student's body and the Hokage cringes at the disgusting sucking sound it makes. Arashi makes it to Kakashi just as the Sand shinobi begins his final strike meant to kill.

But the Sand shinobi never knows whom exactly it was who interferes because the Hokage is just too fast – blocking the katana with a kunai and cutting the enemy's throat within seconds.

The Yondaime hears the thud of body hitting ground and he spins around to find Kakashi laying, unconscious, on the ground – blood pooling around him.

"Kakashi!" Rin calls out as she starts running to her teammates side.

Arashi turns to face the voice of his female student and has to react quickly; grabbing Rin and shoving her to the ground to avoid the Shinobi's attack.

He doesn't know quite how it happened or why he even managed to let it happen but somehow, someway, Arashi ended up getting separated from Kakashi's side and lost track of the injured child. By the time the battle ends the Yondaime fears that it's too late to save Kakashi's life.

And when the fighting stops and Konoha manages to come out on the winning side Arashi's mind is only on returning to Kakashi's side.

But Kakashi's not there. The pool of blood and Sakumo's Chakra Blade are there, right where Arashi had last saw them, but Kakashi himself is not there.

"Jiraiya!" Arashi calls out, unable to suppress the panic in his voice.

A few tense moments pass by before Jiraiya manages to make his way to his former student's side; holding a dirty cloth tightly against his injured shoulder to try and stop the bleeding.

"He's gone," the Hokage simply states.

Jiraiya looks down at the blood and the Chakra Blade and recognizes immediately what Arashi is talking about. "Are you sure it was here?"

"He fell unconscious almost immediately after… it was here that he last lay and it's here that he should be, dead or alive." Arashi's voice is strained with grief and panic.

Jiraiya sighs. "They took him. Whether alive or dead I do not know but it seems that some Sand Shinobis fled and took him with them."

"They wouldn't have taken him if he was already dead." Arashi allows a small hint of hope to enter his voice. "So that must means that he was alive."

The Sannin shakes his head sadly. "You saw the wound just as I did… it would be amazing if he lived through that."

"He's lived through…"

"I'm just saying that you shouldn't get your hopes up," Jiraiya interrupts. "Besides, nothing can be done until this is sorted out. We'll send out a rescue team later."

"If there's any Shinobis left for a rescue team," Arashi sadly adds.

"If it comes to that then I will go myself."

Arashi nods his thanks and picks up Sakumo's Chakra Blade. Slowly he wipes the blade on his stained pants to get rid of the blood. He can't help wondering whether the blood is that of the Sand Shinobis or if it's Kakashi's own blood.

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Jiraiya knocks softly on the Hokage's office door. "Arashi?" he whispers softly.

"Go away." Was the response he got and the Sannin frowns.

"I'm coming in." Slowly Jiraiya opens the door and enters the darken room. He quietly closes the door behind him and stands in silence for a few moments. "Arashi?" he questions again.

"I'm fine," the Yondaime states – his voice choked and dry.

Jiraiya sighs and walks over to stand beside his former student; who's standing stock still looking out the window. The Sannin notices Sakumo's Chakra Blade clutched tightly in Arashi's hand and he reaches out. Quietly and slowly he takes it from Arashi's grasp and places it on the desk behind them.

"He's dead, isn't he?" Arashi whispers.

"I don't know but I intend to find out," Jiraiya replies.

"It's my fault."

"Was it not who you was adamant about making sure everyone knew that nothing involving Kakashi was anyone's specific fault?"

"But this was. I should've sent him home instead of letting him join the fight. I was about to but in the end I let him come."

"He would've come anyways… you know that. Besides, if it wasn't for him both Obito and Rin would've died – they definitely shouldn't have been there."

"But I should've tried harder to stay by his side during the fight, and especially after he was injured. If I had just stayed nearer to him instead of letting myself get pushed away then I could've made sure he wasn't taken. I don't know why I didn't, I could've… I should've been able to. It's not like it's –"

"You're rambling," Jiraiya interrupts. "And I know how much you hate rambling."

"Sorry." The Hokage falls into silence.

Jiraiya sighs heavily. "Don't beat yourself up over this. It happened, you couldn't prevent it, now you just have to focus on trying to fix it."

"How can you fix something like this? He's dead! You can't bring people back from the dead!" Arashi's voice is choked with desperate attempts to hide his tears,

"You don't know that for a fact." Jiraiya feels slightly helpless in this situation; he's never been particularly good at comforting people.

"That was a fatal injury… without immediate medical care he'd die and –"

"He might've got immediate medical care," Jiraiya interjects, "Kakashi's known in the other Hidden Villages, more than most Shinobi's realize, and the Sand have to know that Kakashi's a very good bargaining piece. For a ten year old he knows a lot more about the secrets of this village than Shinobi's twice his age and he's an amazingly capable fighter. If anyone could survive this then he would be the one."

"You can't survive an ordeal if you're already dead."

"I never knew you were such a pessimistic. What happened to the optimistic Arashi I used to know?"

"Being Hokage during wartime changes you. I've seen more than I ever wished to see."

"Stop pitying yourself and start making some decisions!" Jiraiya knows he's snapping because of exhaustion, frustration, and emotional strain. "What are you going to do about this? Are you going to send out a rescue team or not? Are you going to try and fix this or are you just going to give up? Because if you give up and Kakashi is really alive then that's a way bigger mistake then what happened today!"

"I shouldn't have put him on my Genin team… he can't handle being on a Genin team," Arashi mutters, "I don't think he can handle having to 'share' me. He's too attached to me. You know, I probably shouldn't have a Genin team anyways. If I wasn't out training them then I would've been paying more attention to everything else and I might've figured out the Sand's attack plan earlier. In truth, I've been too distracted with Kakashi for a while now. Everything I've done has been focused on him. Maybe if he is dead it wouldn't be such a bad thing… you know…"

"Are you drunk?" Jiraiya suddenly asks – Arashi's ramblings putting him on alert.

"No!" Arashi responds, angry and upset at being accused of such a thing.

"Breathe on me."

"What?" The Hokage turns to the Sannin in confusion. "I'm not drunk!"

"Then breathe on me," Jiraiya states, but it's more of an order.

"I'm not drunk!" Arashi continues to defend himself. "I'm Hokage for God's sake! I'm not drunk!"

"You're rambling and you can't make decisions… that only happens when you're drunk," Jiraiya explains the reason behind is accusation. "Breathe on me."

"I'm not drunk!" Arashi's voice is so close to tears now that Jiraiya is all but certain that his former student is actually drunk.

"Breathe on me."

Arashi falls silent and leans against the wall beside the window. "Fine," he chokes out, "I'm drunk. Happy now?"

Jiraiya lets out a tired sigh. "Not really."

"I can't do this Sensei." Arashi doesn't call Jiraiya 'sensei' unless he's really stressed and freaked out. "I can't deal with being Hokage."

Jiraiya doesn't know what to say so instead he settles on embracing his troubled former student in a hug. He can't help but smell the sake on Arashi's breathe and he dearly hopes that alcohol doesn't become the Yondaime's crutch – for if it does then there will only be trouble for everyone.

The Sannin ignores the fact that his shirt is becoming wetter by the moment from Arashi's tears. And he chalks all this up to the alcohol because it's easier for him to deal with seeing Arashi in such emotional pain when he can pretend it's being caused by something else. Something easy to deal with like alcohol – not something like the possible death of a treasured student.

"Look… I'll go find Kakashi and bring him back. Dead or alive he needs to be brought back," Jiraiya offers.

"Okay," Arashi manages to choke out.

And Jiraiya lets his former student cry into his shoulder because he'd much rather Arashi cry in front of him then drink behind his back. And the Sannin really wishes he won't have to watch his former student become an alcoholic – he's sure that would break the remaining thread of emotional sanity he has left.

Jiraiya really hates wars.