We got through dinner without mentioning the Temple tragedy, and Yahni and Nova even offered us shelter for the night. Now Kasen and I were lying just outside of their cave, watching the fire, the scrap it was burning cackling and popping. The warm glow that it basked us in was not comforting, nor did it make me feel any joy.
All I could think of was Anakin, and Obi-Wan, and Liam, and Keeloh... and Kasen. Swirling thoughts created a whirlwind of emotions inside of me. I tried my very best to shut Kasen out as I watched the flames dance in his bright blue eyes from a distance. Those beautiful eyes… I sighed inwardly, a deep, burdened sigh.
Each attempt at relinquishing my attachment to Kasen only seemed to make it stronger. It was a frustrating task, one that had nearly brought me to slamming my head against the Temple walls time and time again. Those beautiful, laughing eyes had haunted me no matter how much I had pushed him away.
Closing my eyes again, I remembered.
"Keeloh, what do you do to rid yourself of attachment?" I asked, eyes full of remorse that only my twin would see.
He eyed me suspiciously. "Why do you ask?"
"I just want to know," I replied defensively.
"I do not know," he shook his head. "Ask Master Yoda."
My eyes bulged. "Do you really think that wise?"
"Wiser than holding onto unnecessary distractions…"
I frowned and huffed at him. "You're Dark."
"And you're attached. Is it Kasen?"
"Is it obvious?"
My brother smiled, satisfied with my rueful confession.
He simply nodded.
Now my heart pounded like a caged animal. "Do the Masters see?"
He shook his head. "If they did, they would have called you on it," he pointed out.
I exhaled slowly, decidedly.
"Relax, Keelee. It will fade in time. Besides, he is an apprentice now. You won't be forced to see him much."
"How did you know that was hard for me?"
He cocked an eyebrow, as if I were asking a stupid question. "The same way I know that it's hard for me. Do you remember Vole?"
The soft, gentled way he pronounced Voh-lay made me smile inside. I nodded.
"I loved her."
"You were seven!" I gaped.
"I was smitten." His cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"Brother, you are a hopeless excuse for a Jedi."
"It must run in the family."
"I don't think so…" I said softly. "Something tells me our father was wonderful."
"He must not have been too wonderful, or he wouldn't have married our mother."
"Don't speak of such things!" I hissed under my breath. "You know better."
"I know," Keeloh sighed. "I am sorry. Goodnight, Keelee."
"Goodnight, Keeloh. Sleep well."
I turned over in my sleep. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
My back ached.
I must've drifted off outside by the fire, but now it was only embers.
"Come on inside, Keelee. You won't sleep well out here." It was Nova; she was smiling, but there was a hint of sadness in her dark blue eyes.
"Why are you sad?" I asked her, out of nowhere.
She blinked, clearly startled by the question.
"I miss my son," she admitted. Tears sprang to her eyes.
I wondered quickly if Kasen had told them.
"He… last time I saw him, he was a wonderful little Padawan."
"You knew Liam?" she asked, eyes wide with hope.
"Yes. A strong little one, he was," I smiled, realizing I had just sounded like Master Yoda in my choice of sentence structure. "We trained together from time to time in Master Yoda's group. He was always very quick to pick up the moves."
Without warning, tears sprung to my eyes. I remembered that little Liam was only ashes now, and the thought sickened me.
I bowed my head, trying not to let my tears show.
"I am so very tired," I said softly, hoping to end the conversation as gracefully as possible. Nova nodded, leading me inside.
It was going to be a long night, to say the least.
………
Standing barefoot in the training room, I stared the man I once knew as Anakin Skywalker in the face. His eyes were no longer blue, but burned with a yellow-orange hatred that chilled me to the core. He had lifted his lightsaber high above his head, but I had grabbed both of his arms in my own. Being much stronger than I, he threw me across the room with a powerful Force push. I slammed against the wall, but leapt up from the floor, driven by fierce determination.
"Anakin, don't," I shouted, tears springing to my eyes now. I grabbed his gloved wrist on both my hands, pointing the lightsaber away from myself and the children, toward Anakin's legs. He turned to me, hooded and dangerous, animal rage pouring from him in confused waves.
"Don't do this. You're not this heartless, Anakin; stop this madness!" I was desperate now, pleading and crying, burying my face in the sleeve of his robe. He cast me aside again, turning his focus from the helpless children back to myself. He stalked toward me, lightsaber ready, only now it was red.
But just before he reached out his arm to choke me, Keeloh had his other arm, and was spinning him in the opposite direction.
It was then that Anakin killed him. It happened in slow motion; so slow that I could see the cauterized wound appear on Keeloh's strong neck. I watched him fall, inch by inch, until he collapsed to the ground.
It was then that Anakin turned his focus back to me, eyes blazing, nostrils flaring.
His lightsaber was inches from my throat…
I woke suddenly in a cold sweat, heart pounding, breathing ragged and uneven.
Kasen was awake now, rushing to my side, lightsaber in hand.
"Keelee, what is it?" his voice was thick with anxiety and sleep.
"I… it was a dream," was all I managed. I hoped I hadn't screamed.
"Go back to sleep, Keelee," he scolded. "We only have about an hour before we must go to Lana's shop and help her."
I nodded obediently, and rolled over on my left side, facing the opposite way. I heard him settle, but not lie down, his breathing still unsteady.
"Aren't you going back to sleep?" I asked gently.
"I can't," he replied after a few moments of thoughtful silence.
"Are you dreaming too?" I whispered.
"I won't let myself."
"So, you're afraid to sleep, then?"
I sat up and stared at the back of his head, only to see his hair move as he nodded twice in the affirmative. But he didn't speak.
I rose to my feet, unable to stand the silence as more minutes passed. I strode out the front door, watching in silent agony as the twin suns of Tatooine began to rise.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to kill.
I wanted to die.
Hot, angry tears stung my green eyes as the sky exploded in hues of fuming red.
The sky matched my anguished heart, beating out of time, the only reminder that I was alive.
I stared down at the place where my lightsaber hung idly.
I was hungry to use it.
I picked it up, turned it over, wondering at its capabilities.
Before I realized what I was doing, I had my long, light-brown hair clenched in my white-knuckled fist. My first instinct was to just pull it out, to feel the pain, to remind myself that I was living, and Keeloh couldn't even pull out his hair if he had wanted.
But the second was much more tempting…
I stared down at the cold, sleek Jedi weapon, and rested my thumb on the ignition.
Without thinking, I extended the shining blue blade, staring at its brilliant hue.
Then I looked up at my hair, angry at how much the color matched Keeloh's.
I hated it.
With a swift, thoughtless flick of my wrist, I felt the tight pull of my right hand loosen, a long bunch of hair resting in a smoking clump in my clenched fist.
I felt the other side, and realized that some of the length still remained where the blade had missed.
Frustrated, I sliced that off as well.
I threw the long locks to the ground, then cast my blasted Jedi weapon off to the side, watching it roll in the sand.
I fell to my knees in anguish, slamming into the desert ground, ignoring the sand that had flown up into my open, bloodshot eyes. I slammed my lids shut in a vain effort to rid myself of the grains.
Then, I suddenly heard an angry howl, a scream so loud, heart-shattering and restless that it twisted the knife in my own heart.
It wasn't until Kasen and Yahni rushed out of the cave, lightsaber and blaster brandished -- ready to come to my aid, that I realized who was screaming:
Me.