(God n. 1. a superhuman being worshipped as having power over nature and human affairs. 2. God, the supreme being, creator and ruler of the universe in monotheistic religions. 3 an image of a god, an idol. 4. a person or thing greatly admired or adored. ― God forbid, may it not be so. God-forsaken adj. dismal, wretched. God knows, we (or I) cannot know. God willing, if circumstances allow.)
"Zack, what is 'god'?" It is the day following a major battle, and the scent of blood and death is still in his nose. If he takes deep, centred breaths, it is calming. He has grown so used to it he is beginning to feel the edges of panic (panic n. a sudden, uncontrollable fear or alarm; an infectious fright) whenever it is no longer present.
Zack's hands stop moving, cease carving odd, twisted shapes out of dead wood. "…Are you sure you're asking the right person?"
He doesn't say it, but he knows Zack will read it into his silence: Who else am I to ask?
"Well, why do you want to know?"
He wonders why Zack would deny him this – Zack, who thinks there is no taboo that cannot be broken, no rule that cannot be stomped on. Is it something so secret? "I heard the men." He shrugs his shoulders, a pale imitation of the gesture he has seen Zack often do as a indication of feigned indifference. "Before the battle. They were talking to thin air, only they called it 'god'. Who or what is 'god', and why were they talking to it?"
Zack stares at him for a long moment. Sephiroth is used to this type of reaction, and bears it patiently.
"God… god is supposed to be this… um… super being… thing… that has power over nature and human affairs. Y'know, ruler and creator of the universe. Er…"
He wonders at Zack's sudden ineloquence. Zack usually has the astonishing capability of being able to say an incredible amount about absolutely nothing, and all in one breath. "If it has control of the entire universe, why would my men be talking to it?"
"It's… difficult."
"Difficult." He has a vague idea of how his voice sounds in this moment. He recognises the way Zack's shoulders hunch, the way his body language alters, becomes defensive, the automatic fight-or-flight instinct being instigated. Human body language is something he has studied hard - he is now capable of dividing the responses into four: truth (truth n. quality, state of being true; honesty; sincerity), lie (lie² v. make false statement; n. deliberate untruth), fight or flight (flee v. run away; avoid; shun). Fear, though, is something he has never needed a dictionary entry for.
"It's called praying. And God listens because God is… God is supposed to be your friend. He looks out for you." He can smell Zack's desperation, slightly sour and tinged with awkwardness, but he still isn't answering the question, as his academic teachers would insist.
("Factual, technically brilliant, but there is no feeling in it, Sephiroth. You will never succeed here; the question relies on you elaborating upon your personal response to the issue, and you seem to have none.")
Sephiroth learnt patience and passivity in his childhood, so it must be Zack's own fault for teaching him to ask and expect answers.
"Why?"
"Because. Just… because, okay?"
Why? The need to know is gnawing at the back of his mind; the blankness where the knowledge of 'god' should go a constant irritant.
Knowledge has always been Sephiroth's balm against the sores made by lack of understanding.
The silence between them is unpleasant, partly because it is so very rare – Zack always has something to say.
"Zack, why do you think there is a god?"
"I'm not a theology expert, Seph." There is a note in his voice however, a flicker of anticipation (anticipate v. 1. to realise beforehand, foretaste or foresee; 2. to expect, to be sure of; 3. to perform (an action) before another has had time to act; 4. to answer (a question), obey (a command) or satisfy a request before it is made; 5. to nullify, prevent or forestall by taking countermeasures in advance; 6. to consider or mention before the proper time; 7. to be before (another) in doing, thinking, achieving, etc; 8. to think, speak, act or feel an emotional response in advance.) in his tone that tells Sephiroth the topic is not over with. He repeats his question, and is gratified at the answer that bursts out. "Well, why wouldn't there be a god? You know a lot of science, don't you?"
It is clear Zack expects no answer, for which Sephiroth is as close to grateful (grateful a. thankful; feeling gratitude) as he knows how to be. "Just look at this place, Sephiroth, this world. The way it all works together, in balance. How could it just come about by accident?"
He is silent for a long moment, studying his own hands – carpals, metacarpals, phalanges, brachioradialis, palmaris longus, digital arteries – and then contemplates what his hands are capable of, a secret that cannot be told in the names of bones and muscle and veins, which are just like anyone else's.
"Even if it is designed, how does this give you a good god, a 'friendly' god who listens to your prayers?"
He feels almost sorry (sorry a. 1. regretful; gloomy 2. mean; poor) for the look on Zack's face. "Let us say," he continues rapidly, before his friend can begin a defence, "That everything in this world, on this planet, was made by a deity. Even so, you may know only what the craftsmanship of its work tells you. It is not perfect, for nothing in this world is perfect. It's not eternal, for everything you see is mortal. So perhaps this was a… a trial run. Perhaps God has left. Perhaps it is dead. You can't even be sure it is only one god – is it not more logical to have a team of gods? Name one building designed and built solely by one man. Compare that to the world, the complexity of it. Every atom of the simplest organism… Zack?"
Zack appears to be choking. "Jeeze. Absorbed more of Hojo's ramblings then you thought, huh?"
Sephiroth wonders if these silences are going to become a regular occurrence. Perhaps there is a reason he has never brought much thought to bear on the idea of God. He thinks he might hate (hate v. dislike intensely; detest. ― n. loathing; hatred n, profound ill-will.) it for these silences, for throwing this distance between the only friend he has.
"Okay," Zack says at last. "Let's forget about that stuff."
"Wonderful debating style," he remarks without rancour, surveying the only friend he has through half-closed eyes. Zack's features blur and soften this way, become less real, less dangerous. He is about to give up and leave, when Zack gives him the best answer he is capable of:
"God, Seph, is above mortal things. That makes him or her or it or whatever God. But God cares about mortal lives, and that makes Him truly divine."
I don't understand, he wants to say to Zack's tense shoulders, to his impassive back. I don't understand. There are other words, bitter words, desperate words, and he wants to ask, why won't you help me? but Zack is already chasing after one of his many, many friends and even mako-enhanced hearing could only do so much.
It will take him some time before he realises what question it was he really wanted to ask: "If your God cares why doesn't He help me? If He's so divine why does He allow such ugliness (me) to exist in this world?"
(Divine: a. pertaining to God; god-like; sacred. n. theologian, priest. n. divinity 1. God; 2. theology; 3; quality of being divine)
He turns the entry for divine over and over in his mind, establishes links – God, Religion, Faith etc; Antonym: Infernal, which in turn leads to words such as hellish, accursed, diabolical – and wonders.
He remembers a conversation about him between new recruits one day: "Who cares how old he is? He's immortal, he's a god." He thinks he might understand from this something more important than what Zack has tried to tell him.
"God." He murmurs, "Noun. Entry four, a person or thing greatly admired or adored."
A person or thing greatly admired or adored. If I can be god for other people, why can I not be my own?