Business As Usual
Chapter 18: I Remember Your Eyes
Miya's Note: Again, I apologize for the long, long, LONG wait I put all of you through. I was writing at school when I could, but really didn't get a chance to do that much typing. I had to prepare for AP testing and work on signing up for college.
If you thought that Rufus was creepy in Chapter 17 (Which I don't get. He was much scarier in earlier chapters, like 14, I thought.), wait until you see him here. Give a man who's already a bit of an egomaniac the power trip of a lifetime, and mix that with the fact that he's unstable from having just gone through such a…traumatic experience.
You see my point, I'm sure.
I have a feeling some things in this Ch. are going to freak out/anger a few people, so I just thought I'd give a little F.Y.I. It's really…different. On the other hand, I think there's been another nice boost in my writing quality. Again, like with past chapters, though, excuse any typos. At this moment, it is 3:26 AM, so I'm sure there are mistakes.
To Squal D. Zolo: Haha, thanks! That's an awful lot to read in one day! You're lucky you read it when you did, though, because of the long time it took to update. Your wait wasn't nearly as long as some peoples'.
To kyoto19: I felt so proud! I KNEW it was you, I did! Thanks a bunch. hug
To Shiri Matakami: Thanks for your review! It's all of you people that keep me writing, no matter how hard it takes for me to actually do it! Oh, and you probably shouldn't give me a cookie (though I do love them), since it took me so long to update!
To Tarshil: Awww, thanks. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! (It's hard to believe that this is the same person "talking" who's writing this story, with some of the goofy things I say, isn't it?) I'm actually not planning on becoming a writer, though. I'm actually going into acting, which has been my passion since I was 8. I'm making a video game, too, which I am writing the story for, so that's the closest I'll get, probably. I've mentioned this quite a few times before, but you can find my pics, including the Rufus one, which is on the front page, at my site at deviantart, which is miyamashi . deviantart . com, minus the spaces.
To Angevar: When you make that cloning machine, I want a Rufus, kay? Glad I could draw in another cultist (to the cult of Runoism, if you don't know). XD
To Corkykiggs: Oooh, I hope I didn't drive you too insane with the wait! And if you can't look at Rufus the same after the last chapter….oh dear. shifty eyes
It wasn't the Mako, Rufus thought, as he slid the needle painfully into his neck once more, but what the Mako did to him. Like any drug, it wasn't the substance itself, but the effects.
And, oh, the effects were grand. Such power, he could feel, coursing through his very veins. Oh, so much power, so much that it threatened to consume him; brought him to the very threshold of his own self-annihilation.
Reno was beside him, plastic fork still in his mouth from dinner. The Turk had already had his third shot. Three shots in less than an hour. The supply was running low. It was difficult to tell if the redhead was enjoying the Mako or the food more. His eyes were glazed over in ecstasy, a look that, as far as the blonde had ever seen, only he himself could bring forth from the man.
It angered him, that he was either equal to food or some inhuman liquid.
Rufus' fourth dose began to take it's toll on his body and mind. Emotions raged within him, a side-effect of his addiction.
"You are mine, not the Mako's," Rufus said coldly to Reno.
"But you are the Mako's," replied Reno with a self-satisfied chuckle. It wasn't just the power he enjoyed, but the clarity, like the whole world was beneath him, in a snow globe, staring up at him as he looked down upon it, occasionally shaking it to remind everyone where they stood in comparison to him. On the other hand, while Reno's logic was becoming more acute, Rufus' was losing grasp, and the redhead could see it.
It was terrifying, that a man with so much power would begin to lose the control he spent his whole life trying to build.
Rufus could feel it, too, Reno guessed, by the way the man sat on his own bed like a nervous adolescent, rubbing his hands together so hard that they were beginning to grow pink and raw. Strange, how Rufus always reverted back to his childhood when he lost his grasp on the world.
The blonde could feel it, yes, how his senses burned with this new stimulus; how his whole body seemed to work independently from his mind. Again, he was losing himself to a foreign source. Bullets, Mako, Reno, always trying to pull him away from his cold kingdom of influence. This stuff would be his savior and his ruin; this, and the thin redhead on the bed in front of him.
He thought back to his earlier statement. Reno wasn't his. No, Reno would never be his. Reno would always and forever have him wrapped around his little finger, like some sort of puppet. Reno owned the world, the Mako, him, and, most importantly, himself. Reno had complete control, even in moments of most utter impulsiveness. Even as the Turk seemed erratic and unpredictable, he was meticulous in his spontaneity. Looking at him now, the redhead seemed to lose something in his moment of rare composure.
And it frightened the blonde. His hands would have hurt from the even more brutal assault he laid upon them, had his skin not already been burning.
Rufus plucked the fork from Reno's mouth, sticking it into his own and mutilating it with his teeth. He sat back on his headboard in a pouty kind of way that made him seem even more juvenile.
"Your fork is broken," said the blonde, holding it up a bit pitifully. The white plastic prongs all pointed in different directions, like the heads of a hydra.
"So I see."
"I killed it."
Reno just stared for a moment, not sure of how to react to this oddly dark, uncharacteristically impractical remark.
"Now, its life is mine, like my own will never be. I took it and claimed it as my own."
This sent a chill down Reno's spine, despite the fact that the blonde was talking about an eating utensil.
"I killed it. It is mine. I control it because it is the dead."
"Rufus, stop. Do you realize what you're saying? It's insane."
"No, Reno. I control it. I control it."
"Rufus, stop this."
"I'll control you, too, someday, when you're dead like it is, but only then."
Reno paled. What was Rufus talking about. Would he go as far as to…?
"Kill you? Do you think I'm going to kill you, Reno?"
The redhead shivered. "I don't know."
"Not yet. Not now. Not unless I have to. Not unless…until, perhaps, you give me a reason…until you gain complete control over me. Then, I have to take it back. You understand, right Reno?"
"What the hell is wrong with you? I don't control…"
"You have me in chains, Reno! My shackles are at your feet. Do you hear the chains as they clatter on the floor before you?" Rufus' hand began to shake, and he flung the fork in it at the redhead's chest. It bounced off harmlessly and landed on the sheets.
"What has it done to you?" Reno asked in almost a whisper, breaking free of the Mako's hold upon him, though his head still reeled with the force of the overdose.
"I…can't do it, Reno. I can't take it any longer. Even now, you control me, and the more you do, the more I lose myself to you. I gave myself away. I sold my soul to you, and you devoured it."
"I didn't…"
"I can't even bring myself to kill you, the only form of control I have left…not now…no, not ever."
"Why would you even think like this? What is wrong with you? Have you gone nuts?"
"I can't…I couldn't even hurt you. I…" Rufus consumed Reno's mouth in his own, in a way, trying to reclaim his lost self.
But to him, it seemed as if Reno succeeded where he failed, sucking more of it away.
It wasn't a kiss. It was a conquest. If Rufus couldn't take his own soul back, he would steal Reno's. If he couldn't have the other man's life, he would have his identity. Yes, if he couldn't have himself, he would have him, and he, now no longer Rufus, but Reno, would have the power.
Only, a paperweight from the end table slammed into the back of his head, and he fell limply on the mattress and the other man.
"I'm sorry, Rufus."
When Rufus awoke a mere ten minutes later, he found himself tied to the posts of his own bed, his head throbbing.
"How do you feel?" asked Reno.
"That's a stupid question, you little bastard. Untie me, now."
"No. I can't do that until the Mako is out of your system. Do you have your strength back?"
"I don't know, Reno. Untie me, and we'll see."
"No."
Rufus flailed around in the ropes, thrashing upward with his head like a deranged man brought back to his most primal roots. This was the second stage of his addiction. As he lost control, Rufus seemed to drop further and further into the past, first to his own childhood, and then to the childhood of all mankind, where little distinction remained between him and the animals.
"Untie me."
"No, Rufus, and I'll say it again."
"Remember what I said earlier, about not being able to kill you? I think I could manage now."
"And that'll get me to let you go?"
"That doesn't matter, Reno. Now, it is the time to see if my strength has yet returned." Rufus' body tightened. His arms and legs began to shake as he pulled hard on the cords. They cut deeply into his ankles and wrists.
And, to Reno's sudden horror, the ropes began to fray.
And they snapped. First, went the ones holding his hands. His arms crossed over his chest as he continued to pull on the others. They proved just as weak in comparison to the beast they had tried to tether.
"You should have used stronger rope," Rufus growled as he stood from the bed, the cords still dangling from his body.
"Stop this. You have to stop this." Reno backed from the blonde. Rufus pinned him against the wall, boring into his eyes with his own.
"I don't take orders from you, Reno."
"This isn't like you. Submission was your freedom once…"
"Not now. Not anymore. I had my taste of subservience. It was fun for a moment, but fun never lasts in this place, does it?"
"It can. It would if you would only let it."
"Nothing lasts. Not even you."
"Stop…"
"Not even me."
Reno pushed hard against the blonde, and he stumbled back. Rufus dashed forward again, pinning the other man once more. Again, Reno pushed him easily away. "You may have your strength back, but I never lost mine, and the Mako is as fresh in my blood as yours. You may be strong, but I am stronger."
Rufus' eyes widened in a terrible rage. Reno grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the wall in place of where he had once been.
"You may want the control, but I have it. I control you. You're right, you'll never have power over me, Rufus, unless I give it to you, like you did for me, or until the day I die."
"Let me go."
"No, Rufus, not until you calm down."
"Just let me go." Rufus' muscles went lax. The child inside of him once again rose to the surface. "Stop it. Stop it!"
"No."
"Stop…stop it…" Rufus' head fell back, his energy spent.
"Not until you find yourself again."
"What is there to find?" Rufus slid down the wall, Reno's hand following, until the redhead simply let go. Rufus looked up toward him, his eyes wide and sparkling with wetness, like the ice in them was melting away. "There is nothing…nothing left…"
Reno just looked down at him. He felt pity for Rufus, pity that had come perhaps too soon.
The redhead fell backwards, his head hitting the carpet as the blonde pulled Reno's knees out from under him with his right leg. Rufus pounced on him, looking down into his eyes with a feral grin.
"You're mine now."
"You could have just asked, you know!" The redhead dug his fingers into Rufus' shoulders and flipped their positions.
It didn't last. The Vice President's legs wrapped around the other man's waist, and the two flipped once again.
And again, as Reno grabbed hold of the ropes still around Rufus' wrists.
Again, flip. Punch. Recoil.
Snarl. Each beast brought the other to the surface. And scratch. Nail marks appeared across the redhead's cheek, just under one scar.
So Reno scratched back. The marks on Rufus' cheek mirrored his own. "What the hell is wrong with you, Rufus? What are you trying to accomplish?"
Rufus pushed Reno off of him with his knees. "Don't you understand, Reno?"
"How can I?" Reno yelled, backing up quickly before Rufus had a chance to stand. "This is unbelievable! This is absolutely fucking unbelievable!"
Rufus began to yell back, louder than the other man. "No, Reno! I know exactly what I'm doing." Yelling was suddenly replaced by a panicked hush. "Don't you see that I'm trying to push you away?"
"Why? Just…why, Rufus? What did I do to you that you want me to go away so damn much? You're always telling me to leave. 'Leave, Reno,' you say, as if I'm some dirty mutt. 'Please, just leave,' you tell me. Why?"
"Because you are the only person in this world that I fear."
Reno was incredulous. "Fear me? You have no reason to fear anybody, especially not me. You have all the power in the world, right there. I'm just some slum trash who can't fire a gun to save my skin. I got into the Turks by blackmailing Tseng. And you…you fear me?"
"Fear has nothing to do with the power that I have. The only power I have comes from my position. You, on the other hand, have a kind of power that I can't fathom. It has nothing to do with money, guns, or this corporation. All of it comes from something that you have and I do not. You have a way of changing a man and turning him into something different--something not quite himself--, and he becomes lost within his own territory. Everything that was familiar to him becomes strange and wild and brutal. Everything that he thought that he could trust becomes unstable. He becomes insecure."
"And I did this to you? I changed you and everything around you by just…by just…" His sentence trailed off into a stunned silence that was broken by Rufus' whisperings as the blonde stood beside him, tentatively entangling his fingers in the hair on the back of the Turk's neck.
"That's why I wanted to kill you, because you were doing this to me. You didn't even know what you had done to me, and that's why…" The blonde brushed his lips against Reno's ear. "…that's why I couldn't do it; why I can't bring myself to hate you, can't hurt you…can't…can't…"
Reno could say nothing but "I…I don't…" as he backed farther away. The wall caught him off guard and he jumped slightly as he hit it.
"What else can you call that but fear?"
"What is it about me that you're so afraid of?"
Rufus slammed his hand against the white plaster beside Reno's head. "I don't know! I don't know, Reno!" That hand began to shake next to the redhead's marred cheek. "I don't know…"
"I don't see what I've done. I haven't done anything wrong to you."
Rufus turned away, throwing his hand to his side. "I think, maybe, it's that you have something of mine, something I can't describe. It's something that I'm afraid of losing, and if I lose you, it goes with you. I'm afraid of losing that…something…forever."
"So, why do you want me to leave? I don't get it."
"I think that the only way to stop being afraid is to face that fear. If you go, I will have lost you and that whatever the hell it is that I'm so frightened of losing. Then, I will have nothing to lose, and nothing to fear."
"If you don't have fear, you stop being human."
"That's the thing. I don't want to be human anymore. My humanity means my mortality."
"So you are afraid of dying, after all."
"No. I am not afraid of death, don't you see? I'm afraid of life. Living is so much harder…" Ice eyes implored to the sea. "You can't make mistakes in death."
"I'm still confused. Are you scared of your humanity, or of losing it?"
Rufus looked past Reno, immersed in thought. "Both, maybe. I guess that is my something."
"This explains a lot."
"Yes. Yes, I guess it does."
"I can't leave, you know."
"I can't comprehend why. I don't even see why you would want to be here in the first place."
"I don't either."
"Why would anyone wish this upon himself?"
"I don't know."
Rufus managed a small semblance of what seemed to be a smile. It only lasted an instant. "So, you don't know why you're here any more than I do."
"Nope."
"Maybe it's fear."
"Maybe."
"You do me no good by staying, you know."
"That doesn't change anything. Who knows? Maybe you'll thank me later."
"I doubt that."
"I hate it when you get like this. I can't even believe that you could kill somebody, looking at you now. You look more suicidal than murderous. It's pathetic."
"If I'm so pathetic…"
"Don't finish that statement. Look at yourself."
Rufus looked at Reno instead. "I don't want to see it." The blonde gave a droopy-eyed glare, the whites of his eyes shot through with lightening bolts of blood.
Reno placed his hands on Rufus' shoulders. "I don't care. You have to face your fears, remember?" The redhead cracked a grin in attempts to release some of his own tension. "If it makes you feel any better, you're lookin' a little like the walking dead right now."
Rufus failed to laugh, and Reno's smile melted. The grip on Rufus' shoulders broke as the blonde walked into the bathroom. "Fine," said the blonde. "You want me to look, so I will."
Reno winced as he heard the sound of shattering glass. He stepped into the bathroom, ready to restrain the blonde, who remained standing like a statue just inches in front of him, if the need arose. "What happened?"
"I looked at it."
This comment sounded positively absurd to the redhead, who found himself looking down at the other man's hands. There was no sign of blood or broken glass upon them. "That doesn't explain why it shattered."
"Yes it does."
"How?"
"My fear. The Mako tried to destroy my fear."
Reno had to stop himself from backing away.
"And without fear," Rufus whispered, his voice hissing like steam through a burst pipe, "you become nothing. You start to lose that influence."
Reno lost the will to stand still, and he took one step back. Rufus clenched a hand around the redhead's shoulder, using the other to shut the door behind him. The blonde made a clicking with his tongue--a calm "Tsk, tsk" that clashed with the tortured thoughts that Reno knew lay inside that calculating mind--and picked the needle slowly from the sink.
Reno saw a moment of opportunity and snatched one of the last two Mako vials, knocking the other one on the floor to burst and spread its contents on the already precariously coated tiles. The grip on his shoulder tightened.
"Give it to me, Reno," said Rufus, his clenching hand the only obvious indication of his true anger.
"No, Rufus."
"I need it, Reno."
"No, you don't. Plus, believe me when I say that I'm not just protecting you by doing this." Reno held the vial behind his back, popping the top from it. The small clink it created as it hit the floor caused Rufus to push the Turk back into the door. The knob dug into the small curve of Reno's spine, but the hand which held the tiny jar remained mostly free. "And if you think I'm going to let the walking materia gain even more power, you're even more mistaken."
"Don't defy me, Reno!" Rufus' words cut like a knife, straight into the deepest recesses of Reno's mind.
The redhead could imagine his skull shattering into so many pieces as the mirror that lay scattered under his feet. He could imagine his blood mingling with the Mako that covered that silvery glass. He could imagine himself as nothing more than another decimated object of Rufus' fears, and this was a thought that he couldn't stand to let come alive.
He had to save himself.
The Mako slid hotly down Reno's throat as one swift movement of the hand brought glass to his lips. The burning liquid threatened to tear his body apart just as Rufus' frigid gaze threatened his mind.
The blonde struck Reno in the side of the face, angry tears running down his own face. He grabbed the Turk by the throat and slammed him back into the door again. The wood splintered.
Reno didn't even have to move to cause the blonde to fly backwards. Rufus' legs caught the edge of the tub as he flew, and his head hit first against the tile wall behind it. The faucet caught him in the back as he fell.
Reno saw a fading image of Rufus sinking into the bathtub as he collapsed forward.
Rufus groaned, his back and head throbbing. He crawled from the tub, not looking as he set his hands upon the tile. Shards of glass pierced his palms.
He stood slowly, crouching over slightly from his injury. He had experienced far worse before, and found it fairly easy to simply ignore the aches that spanned his figure. Rufus began to walk from the bathroom, simply moving Reno out of the way with his foot to open the door.
But he couldn't get more than a few steps past the threshold.
"Why did you collapse?" Rufus asked aloud to the unmoving form behind him. "Was it my Mako or yours?"
He tried to walk again, but his feet failed to respond, as if they were set in concrete.
"If I leave you there, I risk your dying. But isn't that what I want? Don't I want my fear to end, Reno?"
Rufus broke free and took one step away.
"So why? Why is it so hard to just walk away?"
The second step didn't come.
"You have to die for me."
The blonde's body turned, denying its master's wishes to continue walking away.
"If you die, my humanity dies with you."
Rufus took one step forward, toward the redhead.
"Why can't I let it?"
One dash forward, and Reno was halfway off the ground, suspended by the hair in Rufus' grasp.
"Why won't you die?" With the last word, the blonde slammed Reno's head against the pristine marble counter. Blood marred the surface. Rufus pulled back, prepared to strike again, but his arm remained in the air, shaking. With a yell, and with a few stray tears of frustration sliding down his cheeks like sweat, Rufus flung Reno to the carpet just outside the bathroom door. He knelt down beside him, covering the slightly open mouth and the bony nose of the Turk with his hand.
That hand sprung back as if recoiling from a hot surface.
"I…I can't!" Rufus cried out, gripping Reno's upper arms and shaking him. It was impossible to tell if the blonde was trying to wake him or destroy him. Reno's head fell limply to the side, and Rufus could do nothing but stare down upon him.
His eyes wide with a visible fear and his mind screaming loudly in protest against, Rufus Shinra cupped shaking fingers around the cheeks of Reno Kiribani as if possessed. A faint green light surrounded his hands. Ice eyes closed in concentration.
The light became blinding, and Rufus screamed loudly enough to block out the sound of footsteps and an opening door. His spine arched back as the Mako sapped most of what strength remained in his body.
The Vice President broke contact with the redhead as his crude cure spell made him too weak to carry on, and the light faded and disappeared.
Reno didn't move, and Rufus dropped his head, the sound one makes when he knows he has failed hissing through his teeth. He hadn't killed Reno until the moment he had tried to save him.
"What did you do?" boomed a deep voice in announcement of another presence in the room. Rufus' head snapped to the side to face its owner.
Rude punched Rufus in the nose.
To Rude's surprise, the blonde reacted very calmly to the assault. He simply turned fully toward his assailant, still on his knees, and spread his arms out sideways, leaving his body completely vulnerable.
"Do it. Spare me this life and take it," said Rufus, his voice distorted from the blood running from his nose.
"What did you do?"
"I killed him."
Rude stared down at him, refusing to give him the death that he wanted. After all, "How do you expect me to kill a dead man? Reno said that you were shot and killed by the President."
"I lived that time, long enough to commit a murder of my own."
Rude could say nothing, his hands shaking slightly at the sight of his best friend's body on the floor before him. He had seen something strange from the room just moments before he entered. There had been a light coming through the crack under the door. Had he been witness to a power that could kill…had killed? If he had been there moments earlier, could he have saved Reno? Would Rufus had taken his life instead?
"What? What's that?" Rufus whispered.
Rude gawked at him, dumbfounded.
"I can't. You don't want that. Even if you did, I don't think I have the power to…"
Rude suddenly realized that Rufus wasn't talking to him as the blonde hunched over and grasped his hair.
"No…not that. No, it's a fate worse than death. I can't let you experience this. I was only trying to…Yes, yes, I know. You're right…I'm lying to you. So many lies…but you are better off there. I wish I had been granted that same freedom."
"Who…who the hell are you talking to?" Rude managed to stammer. His words fell thickly on the air, but faded quickly into nothingness.
"I know I can't. But, if I grant you this, you will be trapped in this life as I am."
Rufus turned slowly toward the lanky and unmoving figure of the redhead that lay sprawled out on the carpet.
"I'm sorry, Reno. I will do it. I'm sorry. But are you sure this is what you want, or are you just doing this because of her wishes?"
Rufus nodded solemnly, his eyes closing in contemplation as he crawled slowly across the floor to the body, placing his hands on its lithe chest. His breath caught in his throat, and was finished by a gasp from Reno. Rufus' body shook. Rude couldn't tell if it was from pain or tearless sobs. The blonde stared at the light in the ceiling, his teeth clenched and his fingers still laying on Reno's skin as it rose and fell with renewed breathing.
"So you can do it…" said Reno, his voice cracking.
"Why did you agree to this?"
"Your ma said that I had more to teach you. I don't know what she meant, but I thought it was kind of weird. I was curious. Plus, it was a bit creepy out there. She looks like you, you know that?"
"She looked like me, Reno. Not now. Not anymore. What you saw was just a projection of what she was before."
"You still can't look at me?" Reno tried to sit up, but realized that Rufus' hold was strong for the blonde's condition. He laid back, the color slowly returning to his skin. His lips remained gray and dry.
"How?" Rude stammered, his voice breaking Reno from his trance.
"There are a lot of things you don't get, Rude," said the normally fiery Turk in a rare bout of sagely wisdom. "I don't expect you to leave this room with the answers you want. Please, leave. I need to talk to him."
"No. He almost killed you, Reno."
"And this is my life to keep or to throw away."
Rude wanted to say something--anything--to convince Reno to break free from Rufus and exact revenge upon the blonde. But Rude knew Reno well enough to tell that there was nothing that he could do but walk out of Rufus' apartment door.
The click of the latch signaled Reno that it was safe to speak to Rufus. "Thank you for doing this. I know how much you didn't want to.
"I am assuming that what you said to Rude applies to me as well."
Reno didn't have to respond to that. "What are you looking at?"
"I am watching the end of eternity."
"You're staring at the ceiling."
"Look at it, Reno. This is what you wanted, right?"
Reno looked at the light and almost screamed. "Turn it off, Rufus."
"This is what you asked me to do."
"Turn it off."
"Then what, Reno? Turn off all of the lights in Midgar? Turn off all of the lights in the world? You can't stop it. This is what I am going to live to watch over one day. How would you feel if you knew that it was you who was responsible for this?"
Reno stared in horror, his mouth slowly forming the words "It would make me want to die."
"This is what life means to people like us. It means that, every day, we witness the end of death."
"Oh gods, they're burning, Rufus. Turn it off."
"That is what I will be some day. One day, I will die, and my soul will burn like theirs are, in payment for the legacy of my family."
"No, if you die, I'll bring you back, just like you did for me."
"I'd rather have it end."
"How could you do this to me, Rufus? How could you?"
"I didn't want to bring you back, Reno!" Rufus screamed, finally looking down at the redhead. One thin hand flailed through the air, and the bulb shattered.
"But you killed me…what makes you think I wanna burn?"
"Don't you want this to stop? Existence only breeds pain. Even after death, you retain your emotions, your regrets, and your failures. The short pain of ending that all would be nothing compared to that of what came before it."
Reno pushed Rufus' hands from his chest and sat up. "Don't start this 'I'm trying to give you freedom' bullshit, Rufus. You did this for yourself. You couldn't take the pressure of actually caring for somebody for once, so you just thought you'd make it go away. You just thought you'd act like it never existed."
Rufus looked down at the dark floor, and his lips closed and opened slowly. The blonde swallowed some saliva and a bit of blood that had dripped into his mouth from his nose. "I wanted to give you…everything I wanted for myself."
"More lies. Can you go one minute without lying to me? You wanted control that you couldn't have because you couldn't be Mr. Ice Cube to me. Well, guess what: You got your wish."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Well, you see, I'm stuck in a bit of a sticky situation now. I made a promise to a dead woman to stay with you and teach you some kind of amazing life lesson. Plus, now I'm stuck with this…thing that makes me see all the other dead people going up in flames, and you're the only other person who understands that and'll believe what the hell I'm talking about. So, yeah, you have control of me now, you fucking egomaniac. What else should I know about being undead? You might as well tell me now. Break the ice. It's a great conversation starter."
"You're not undead, Reno," Rufus said as he stood, putting as much distance as he could between himself and the redhead, his back turned toward the other man and his forehead against the far wall. At any other moment, it may have been funny to Reno that Rufus tripped and stumbled on the way.
"Oh yeah? Then what do you call this? How about 'formerly dead' or 'living, but not quite.' Do those sound better? Less like zombies and more like zombies with class."
"You are very much alive, Reno. Never doubt that. In fact, you are farther from death than you have ever been. You defied the Lifestream, and it's not going to take you back without a fight. You had better not have any regrets, because you cannot comprehend how much harder it is to die when you have done it once before."
"I'm assuming you know this from personal experience. How many times have you tried to die and failed?"
"Enough."
"That's why you're so cranky, isn't it. That's why you have to kill everybody else, because you're so pissed that you can't off yourself. You need to stop taking out your problems on everybody else." Reno stood and stepped up behind the blonde, guided by the occasional flashes of light from the sparking bulb. "Especially me, because I'm not going to just stand here and let you do this to me." He pushed Rufus into the wall. The Vice President gasped when the impact further fractured his nose. "Who revived you anyway? Maybe they should have just let you stay dead. You would have been much happier as a ball of burning Mako, and the world probably would have been a much nicer place."
"It was Hojo, but it was Mother who convinced him to do it."
"So this is all her doing. All of it. That bitch just causes us all sorts of trouble, doesn't she?"
Rufus turned and just thinly resisted hitting Reno across the head another time. "Shut up!"
"You're so touchy when it comes to her, aren't you? What made you such a momma's boy?"
"Shut up."
"You make me sick…" Reno began to beat pitifully against Rufus' chest. "You make me so…fucking…sick…why am I still here?"
"Here?"
"In your room…why can't I just walk away from you?"
"The same reason I tried to save you one moment too late."
"I wish none of this had ever happened. I can't even remember what it was like to just…live."
Rufus tentatively placed a hand in the small of Reno's back and rested his chin on the top of the other man's head. Reno, to his surprise, didn't respond at all. "Don't think like that. Eight years of thoughts like that are what drove me to this. Regret is what drives a man mad. I don't want you to become like me."
"How did you die?"
"I bled out from a shot wound to the shoulder at point blank."
Reno had a sudden sense of déjà vu. He had talked to Rufus about this before. "Your father killed you, didn't he?"
"Yes. It was just after he had Mother shot in the forehead. Did you know it was a Turk who killed her? He was the best of the best, but I was the one who got rid of him. He killed Mother at Father's order. I tried to kill Father. Father killed me, but, before I died, took me to have a Mako treatment from the only man who knew enough about the subject to do anything with it. It still wasn't enough. Mother revived a grudge in Hojo through his dead wife that convinced him to try something desperate. Something in Hojo allowed him to bring me back, and that is something that I have now, too. He asked me a favor that would indebt him to me forever. I was to bring him the Turk. It's a vicious cycle, is it not?"
Though he was still angry, Reno couldn't help but have fleeting thoughts that Rufus was justified in his actions. It was a frightening notion to pity a man who seemed to pity no one but himself. Reno wondered if he was also falling into that same pattern? Would he be driven mad by simply being alive while others perished?
"Are you alright?" asked Rufus, faint traces of hope in his voice.
"No."
"No…how could you be? You were right. Maybe Father was right, too. Maybe the world would have been better off if I had never been born in the first place, or if I had been truly killed that day."
Reno stepped back and looked into the face of what he could see of Rufus through his slowly adjusting eyes. "I need to know something."
"What is it?"
The redhead placed his fingers on the blonde's lips. "I need to know if this is the same." Reno's fingers slid back, across Rufus' jawline and up his cheek. A slight tug was all that it took to drive the blonde to lean forward slowly.
The kiss was like a memory of the first time Reno had truly gotten close to Rufus. It spoke of tears already cried, blood already shed, lives already lived. It was short, but it was enough to remember, for a moment, what had driven them there in the first place. This fact alone made it the most painful thing that Reno had ever done, because it meant an end to memories. One life had ended for Reno and another had begun.
"I want to show you something." said Rufus.
"What?"
"There is one last thing that living again does to a man." The blonde walked slowly to the bathroom, kneeling down to the cabinet and pulling out a light bulb to replace the one that had burst with the one in the bedroom. Not caring that the glass of the spent bulb added even more cuts to his already ragged and bloody hands, Rufus changed the light and it flickered to life, showering the two men with the glow of existence in flames. "Come. Look at yourself," he said, picking up the largest shard he could find of the broken mirror.
Reno complied, looking into his own eyes. They were an even lighter shade of aquamarine than before, and they shown with a strange kind of cold glow that didn't seem entirely human. They were similar to Rufus' in their crystalline sparkle, but not altogether the same. Rufus' still managed to seem more icy, hardened by the pain of his burdens. Reno's, at least, could pass for normal Mako eyes if one didn't look too deeply into them.
"Do you see it?"
"Yes, my eyes?"
Rufus nodded. "To truly see, you have to sacrifice. The Lifestream marked you, very much like it did to me, but it's brand doesn't seem as cruel on you. You're lucky." Rufus turned the redhead toward him. "But I remember your eyes; how they truly are. I will always remember. I know I should forget. I know I told you to start over, but it is already too late for me."
"How they were, Rufus."
"Those aren't your eyes, Reno. That's not you. I forgot what mine looked like. I forgot who I truly am. I'll never let that happen to you."
Reno dropped the shard of glass to the ground and let it join back up with its comrades. He nodded and walked out Rufus' apartment door to meet with his. The blonde stayed standing where he was and voiced no complaint.
"Are you alright?" asked Rude in an attempt at being comforting as he and his fellow Turk walked down the halls of the Shinra Electric Power Company.
"I'll tell you the same thing I told Rufus. No."
"Did he do anything else to you?"
"No."
"What did you have to talk about with the man who tried to kill you?"
Reno didn't bother to correct his friend. "You don't need to know that. That's something I need to carry by myself."
"Tseng wants to fire you, you know."
"Great. That's comforting."
"I actually think I may be starting to agree with him--maybe not about firing you, but at least giving you a very, very long vacation."
"I don't need a vacation. I'll start work again tomorrow."
"You've already taken a vacation, Reno, and I just think that you should maybe think about making that a bit longer. You're unstable. You have to be if you keep running to that psychopath."
"I was assigned to take care of Rufus by the President. I wasn't skipping work with him."
Rude scowled from behind his sunglasses. "I find that hard to believe."
"If you had been in there with him, there would be a lot of things you would have a harder time believing than that."
"I thought you said that he was dead."
"I was wrong. He's a lot harder to kill than you'd think."
"How do you know? Did you try it or something?"
"No. That was his job, remember? I was the one who was being killed, not him."
"You don't sound nearly as angry as you should." Rude stepped in front of Reno and stopped. The redhead tried to walk around him, but it was easy for the larger man to block his path. "Don't tell me you've somehow gone and fallen in some kind of twisted love with him."
"No. There is no one in this world strong enough to love that man." That firmly ended the conversation. Reno forcefully shoved past Rude and kept walking. Whatever the bald Turk had said after was ignored.
"Reno, I have some bad news," stated Tseng solemnly as he recovered from the shock of seeing the man he'd thought missing or dead walk into his office.
"I know, boss. Rude told me you're gonna fire me." The redhead sat on the edge of his boss' desk and fiddled with some papers that were stacked neatly beside him.
"Reno, I can't allow you to just not show up for work and endanger…"
Reno interrupted him. "Yeah, yeah, save it. I'm not going to explain where I've been the past couple of days. If you want to know, ask Rude. He didn't believe me, so I doubt you will either. As for firing me, I could care less. I'm working, whether I'm officially working for you or not. The only way to stop me is to kill me, but that one's already been tried today and it didn't last. So, I guess you're stuck with me." Reno forced a smirk and shrugged haphazardly.
"What happened to you?"
"Nothing much. Just a bunch life-changing crap that I barely understand and that you damn well won't because they didn't happen to you. So, what's my next mission, boss?"
Miya's Note: Well, I hope that was worth the wait! It feels great to have finally finished this chapter. After this, 16 seemed like a cake walk to write. I knew what I wanted, but wording it was the problem. Plus, I was really busy, since school was ending. Now, I have a job that's starting on Thursday. I still hope 19 won't take as long to get to you guys as this one. Sorry again.