I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep, playing the day's events over and over in my tired mind.
I forced myself to lie still, on my back, staring at the ceiling.
I squeezed my eyes shut again, and fell into memories.
"Doing very well, you are," Master Yoda encouraged, letting out his signature amused giggle at our progress.
Keeloh and I were four years old, and were swinging our tiny blue lightsabers with happiness.
"Thank you, Master Yoda!" I said in my small voice.
"Yes, thank you, Master," Keeloh said humbly, eyes intensely focused on the blaster bolts being tossed his way.
"Fight well together, you do," Master Yoda nodded, watching our form.
We had been standing back-to-back, up against two practice hover-droids as they spit red laser blasts at us. We had been deflecting them well, guessing their pinpoints before they could reach us.
"Now, pull down your helmets, you must," Master Yoda explained. He flipped a switch with the Force, turning off one of the practice droids and stilling the other as he waited for us to obey.
"Yes, Master," we said in unison, pulling down the large bowl-shaped helmets to cover our eyes and test our Force reflexes.
They were exquisite, and Master Yoda took notice, chuckling and watching.
When he moved on to the other younglings, Keeloh and I had fallen into step with each other, my weaknesses became his strengths, and vice versa.
It was our twin-thing…
I woke up to the suns rising, unchecked tears stinging my eyes.
Loneliness howled through the giant void in my heart.
I yanked the backs of my wrists over my eyes defiantly, inhaling sharply and willing away the tears, the memories. I had work to do still today.
………
At Lana's, Kasen gave me the silent treatment, but Anton was still concerned for me. He made a point of helping me with everything, and even stepped on my foot once in the process of doing something so I wouldn't have to.
"How did you sleep last night?" he asked me quickly.
I looked at him strangely, confused. "Alright, I guess."
"Better than the night before?"
He's referring to my vision-dreams.
"Yes, anything's better than that, I suppose," I laughed ruefully.
He chuckled a bit with me, taking the large basket of heavy, folded fabrics from the shelf above me and moving them to Lana's mending station.
I placed my hands on my hips. "I could've done that, you know."
"Yes, I know," Anton's gray-blue eyes smiled, and I felt my heart lurch.
Stop it, I screamed at myself, you are being ridiculous! If you keep letting your thoughts go down this path, he will hate you just as Kasen hates you.
The thought sickened me.
But as his hand brushed my shoulder as he replaced the basket to its original place later that day, the strange warmth was back.
And it was entering from the outside, in.
My heart lurched again.
"I can take you home, if you want," Anton offered as our day at work came to a close. He had noticed Kasen's silent treatment, and had asked me about it quietly, but I hadn't told him anything.
I felt a sudden white-hot surge of rage explode from across the way.
Kasen…
He'll slaughter him.
"That's alright," I shook my head. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Anton asked, searching my green eyes imploringly.
I bit my lower lip.
"You'd better not," I decided. "You'll be safer if I just go home with Kasen."
"What do you mean, I'll be safer? You mean from Yahni's teasing?"
His eyes twinkled.
"No," I lowered my voice to a near-whisper, "from Kasen."
Anton scoffed at this. "I'm not afraid of him."
You should be, I thought sadly.
"It doesn't matter," I sighed. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Alright, Miss Keelee," Anton said resignedly. "See you."
But as I watched him climb into his speeder and heard its engines fire, I felt a sudden unexplainable longing echoing through the gaping hole in my heart.
You're doing the right thing, I assured myself silently. Kasen will keep his jealous promise to hurt him. You are protecting a citizen. That is what any Jedi would do.
It does not mean you are attached.
It all seemed so justifiable in my head; the heart-surges, the longing, the protectiveness… it was all just a huge dose of Jedi-like compassion, and I would have done any Master proud with such intentions.
So why did I not believe it?
"Come on," Kasen's harsh voice interrupted my personal musings.
I stared at him. He stared back for a long moment, and I saw inside of him.
He is hurting. So am I, therefore I cannot blame him.
But I wanted to blame him. I wanted him to feel badly for saying terrible things.
Revenge is of the Dark side, I remembered. It just made me angry.
Kasen turned his gaze to his old Master's speeder, and walked over to it, climbing into the pilot's seat and turning on the engine.
I sighed and followed suit.