"You" - Chapter 6 - "All That Matters"
Ashley fixed her hair as she ran to the door, knowing it was Ellie. They hadn't seen in each other in two days, and to both girls, it felt like an eternity. They exchanged greetings and briefly hugged, sitting on the couch at an awkward distance until Kate, Jeff, and Toby entered the living room from different locations in the house.
"Okay, so the movie is about 2 hours, and then we're going out to eat. Are you sure you girls don't want us to bring you back some food?" Kate asked, putting on her coat.
"Yeah, I'll just make us some pasta. We'll be fine," Ashley said.
"Okay, girls, be good. We'll see you when we get in," Kate said, exiting with Toby and Jeff.
Ashley raised her eyebrows. "Be good? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked Ellie suspiciously, once her family had left.
"I don't know," Ellie began, "Don't burn the house down, don't run with scissors - you know, the standards."
Ashley blushed slightly at her eagerness to assume that everyone around her was figuring out her feelings for Ellie and judging her because of them.
"Sorry. I've just been acting weird lately," Ashley commented, looking down.
"I know the feeling," Ellie said, quietly.
There was a brief pause between the two of them as if all the thinking they had been doing changed the dynamic of their relationship. Ashley stood from the couch. "Do you want a drink?"
"Do you have any...?" Ellie began to ask, but Ashley cut her off, knowing what she was going to say before she said it.
"Yeah," Ashley smiled, "I'll go pour you some."
Both girls' heads were flooded with all of the questions that had been racing through their heads lately concerning their relationship. Amidst the doubts and worries, both of them knew they couldn't ignore the feelings they had for one another at the pit of their stomach. Ashley was hoping that if she considered their relationship to be only a friendship, then no one would have to be confused or worried. She was completely naïve to the fact that such a charade could completely destroy what they had. But Ellie knew that things weren't that simple, and if that the two started distrusting their relationship, that everything would change, and she wanted nothing of the sort.
Ashley re-entered the room with two raspberry lemonades to find Ellie sprawled across the length of her couch. Ashley placed the drinks on the coffee table and playfully squeezed Ellie's knee. "Way to take up the whole couch, loser," Ashley said jokingly.
Ellie smiled back and tapped her lap. "Here, sit with me."
Ashley took a deep breath and went to practically lay down on top of Ellie, as they did many times before, resting her head on Ellie's shoulder. When Ellie's fingers began running through her hair, causing her to be very comfortable and relaxed, she sat up quickly. "I can't - it's - I can't get too close."
Ellie sat up, scared of where the conversation was going to go, but disguised her fright with defensiveness. "Too close? To me? Ash, we're best friends in case you've forgotten!"
"Best friends now, but we both know it's becoming more than that. Don't tell me you don't feel it," Ashley said, her blue eyes desperately scanning Ellie's for an answer.
"I - I know," Ellie began softly, "But we can't just ignore it and hope for the best, because that's going to tear us apart. I may not understand what's going on between us, but I know I can't lose you as a friend. Think of everything that's come out of our relationship. Both of us got past really hard break ups, you stopped being obsessively self-conscious..."
"You've stopped cutting," Ashley interrupted, "I've even had to stop checking your wrists, because I knew I didn't have to worry about it anymore."
Ellie's eyes averted Ashley's and her pale cheeks became pinker as she fiddled with her bracelets. Ashley swallowed, praying that she wouldn't see what she thought she was going to see on Ellie's wrists.
"Or do I?" Ashley asked, the hurt and worry apparent in her voice.
Ellie's eyes looked as if they were filling with tears as her hands went to pull up her sleeve before Ashley had to do it herself. Ellie revealed 4 or 5 large cuts on her left arm. Ashley gasped and tears began to fall from her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand. The tears that were built up in Ellie's eyes began to fall, as well, and she put a trembling hand on Ashley's.
"You should have come to me!" Ashley said, the guilt evident in her voice, "If I were a real best friend, I would have been able to stop this."
"No!" Ellie exclaimed, her eyes wide, "This isn't your fault."
"Then why?" Ashley whispered, her eyes pleading for an answer.
Ellie inhaled deeply and her tears began to fall at an increasing rate. "I did it because I thought I was going to lose you."
All Ashley could do was pull Ellie into a hug, and then laid down, pulling Ellie nearly on top of her, this time Ellie resting her head on Ashley's shoulder. The two sat in relative silence, holding each other and letting their tears mingle. Ashley massaged Ellie's scalp with her nails, and Ellie softly ran her fingertips over Ashley's stomach, causing her breathing to hasten.
Ashley shifted so that she could hold Ellie's left arm, and once she could, she brought it up to her lips and softly kissed each of Ellie's scars, all of the love inside of her radiating to Ellie. When they looked into each other's eyes another time, it was as if a magnetized force drew them together as their lips met in their first kiss. Both of them were thrown at first, overcome by the anticipation and how good it really did feel, but soon their kiss deepened, Ashley's hands holding Ellie's face, and Ellie wrapping her arms around Ashley's waist.
As their kiss broke after what seemed to be eternities later, Ashley exhaled deeply. "Wow. I've been waiting to do that forever now."
Ellie was touched, her eyes almost filling with tears again. "I know. Me too. But now it all comes down to whether or not we think it's worth it or not."
"Of course I think it's worth it! You're worth everything to me, El. I hope you know that."
Ellie paused. "Then what's holding us back?" she asked with more genuine questioning than trying to make a point.
"I think if you're feeling anything that I am, we're just confused and... yeah. I don't know, it's a very weird situation."
"I guess," Ellie started, "But feelings are confusing, point blank. I'm sure people are going to say things and stare, and I know I don't understand how I've never been attracted to girls and suddenly I want to be with you, but the last thing is the only important aspect. I want to be with you. That's all that matters."
Ashley's eyes became soft and while only a small grin spread across her face, on the inside, she was ecstatic. "I want to be with you, too. I want you to be my girlfriend," Ashley said, relieved at the fact that even the blunt phrasing of the statement she just spoke was not at all hard to come to terms with. "So, will you?"
Ellie smiled wider than she had in days and threw her arms around Ashley's shoulders, tackling on her back once again and kissing her deeply. When their kiss broke and they looked into one another's eyes, they both knew the answer.
"I need to do something," Ellie said suddenly, standing from the couch and grabbing her saddle bag.
"What?" Ashley asked, confused.
Ellie pulled out a notebook that she had copied the poem she was writing in media immersion onto. She finally had the inspiration to finish and edit it. She made Ashley turn her back for two minutes or so while she finished and perfected it, then asked Ashley to read it aloud.
You
Written by: E. Nash
When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away
As we lay in stillness, you whisper to me:
Baby, be with me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh, you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be you
After she finished reading, Ashley's eyes again filled up with tears, as she drew Ellie towards her, and the two held each other until Ashley's family came home.