Chapter Twenty-Three: Truth

It was the night I learned that love may not conquer all, but it deserves a chance to at least try.

Patty pounded on her grandmother's front door, anticipation and anxiety raging a war within her stomach. She had no idea what she was going to say or how her grandmother would react, but what she did know was that she was meant to know find out the truth about her grandmother's past. It was fate. Whether it was for her own benefit or so someone could share in the secret her grandmother had held inside for so many years, Patty didn't know, but it was surely destiny that Phoebe had given her the journals.

The door swung open and Gordon looked down at her in surprise. "Patricia," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Grandma," said Patty, slipping past her uncle and into the house. "And please don't give me a lecture about it, because it's important. To me and her."

Gordon regarded her, hands crossed over his chest. "It's fine," he finally said. "She could actually use some company, I think. She's been locked in her room ever since she got home. Just, please don't upset her."

Patty forced herself to nod, pretty sure that it was a lie, because, of course, how could her grandmother not get upset? Gordon didn't need to know that though. "Thanks," she said, and she turned and hurried up the stairs to her grandmother's room. Outside the door she knocked quietly. "Grandma," she said. "It's Patty. Can I come in?"

There was a long pause before Patty finally heard an affirmative reply, and she turned the knob and opened the door, slipping inside and closing it firmly behind her. Her grandmother was sitting in her bed in a pair of loud flannel pajamas with her hair down, looking impossibly young and vulnerable. For a moment nausea overwhelmed Patty, and she considered just abandoning her quest for answers, but before she could do anything, her grandmother said, "So you've read Phoebe's journals, correct?"

Patty nodded and cleared her throat. "Some of them," she said. "Well, really, just one of them. And only a few entries."

Patience nodded, and clasped her hands overtop of the book she had been reading. She looked nervous, her brown eyes large and sad, her bottom lip tucked in between her teeth. Then she sighed. "So I guess you didn't start at the beginning," she said.

"No," said Patty. She pulled out the chair at her grandmother's vanity and sat down in it, facing her grandmother at eye level. "I started with February 17, 1924."

"I never read Phoebe's journals," said Patience, not looking at Patty. "I can only imagine what they mentioned. So if you want to say something, Patty, you'll just have to come out and say it."

"You were in love with someone other than Grandpa," said Patty, trying to soften her voice. "Arnold."

"Hmm," said Patience. "Yes. Arnold Karst."

"Grandma, please," said Patty. "Tell me what happened. You were engaged to him but you never married? Did you ever love Grandpa? What...I just...Please, tell me the truth about what happened. I want to hear it from you, not from a journal written by someone else."

Patience shook her head slightly and ran her hands through her hair. They were shaking, badly. "I've wanted to tell you, Patty," she said. "Especially since you turned down Victor's proposal, because I know-"

"How did you know that Victor proposed?" interrupted Patty. "I didn't even tell Mom."

"I gave him the ring," said Patience. "It was my ring from Arnold, not from your grandfather. And then he tried to return it on Thanksgiving, so I knew you had said no, and then I thought that maybe if you knew the truth..."

"That was your ring?" said Patty. She rubbed a hand over her forehead. Already this was more complicated than she had ever believed. "Why give me your ring from Arnold?" she asked. "Why not from Grandpa?"

"Because," said Patience, "Arnold was my first love. He was my first destiny. And I know Victor is yours too. I don't want you to lose that, Patty, unless it's for a good reason. I know all too well what regret is."

"You regret not leaving Grandpa for Arnold?" said Patty.

Patience let out a shuddery breath. "Sometimes" said Patience. "But I wouldn't have your mother or Gordon or you and Gordie if I had left him. And there are other things I do regret. I regret not marrying Arnold before the war. I regret letting other people talk me into things that I shouldn't have done. I regret having the affair with Arnold." She finally looked up at Patty. "I made so many mistakes over the years, Patty. And I don't want to see anyone make the same ones. Do you really want to hear this story?"

"Yes," said Patty. "All of it."

Patience nodded. "I met Arnold the summer of 1915. Penelope and I and a few of our friends drove upstate to visit Phoebe. That was before she moved to San Francisco to live with us. She had a party before we left, and that's where I met Arnold. I liked him immensely from the start, but we drove home the next day, and I didn't expect to see him again. The following spring, though, he showed up at my house one day and said he had moved to San Francisco; he had a job and was doing well and he wanted to look me up. So we started going together.

"A year later, we got involved in the war in Europe, and of course Arnold decided to enlist. He proposed to me the same night, and we were set to wed before he left, but my parents convinced me that we should wait. They thought that the time apart might change our feelings for each other, and that we had only known each other for a short time in the first place. I was so stupid. I chose to listen to them. And Arnold said he understood. He asked me to promise to wait for him, no matter what.

"The war was over before I even got the news that Arnold had died in combat. I had been so relieved to hear that Germany surrendered, and then so soon afterwards Arnold's aunt called on me to tell me that Arnold had been killed. I was beside myself. I stayed in bed for two months; I didn't see anyone but the family. It was terrible. The worst time in my life.

"And then I realized that I had to go on. I couldn't give up just because Arnold had died. So I became more active again. I met Gordon in the spring of 1921, about a two and a half after Arnold's death, and I really was fond of him. I didn't think I would ever be able to love another man again. And while I didn't love Gordon the way I had loved Arnold, I did have feelings for him. He proposed not long after we became acquainted, but I said no. I didn't want to marry him when I still loved Arnold. He proposed again and again, and I said no twice more before I finally agreed.

"The really horrific part, is that I agreed mostly because of familial pressure. My mother had died a few years before, and my father was old. He wanted to see me married before he died. And Phoebe thought it was for the best too. She was convinced it was the only way I'd get over Arnold and move on. So I agreed to marry him for all the wrong reasons.

"My father died soon after that, so we postponed the date of the wedding. We finally married on February 28, 1922. And for a little while I was happy. Gordon was so good to me. I didn't deserve him. And then everything fell apart so fast. Penelope decided to go to Europe and she was never the same again after that. I miscarried a baby that fall. And then the next spring Arnold came back.

"I never felt as guilty as I did when I saw Arnold that day. There he was, in the flesh, never giving up on us, and there I had married someone else while he was gone. I broke my promise. I didn't wait for him. I should have had more faith. And marrying Gordon hadn't magically cured me of any feelings I had for Arnold. I loved him so much, it was overwhelming. Intense. Somehow I convinced myself that because I had promised Arnold first, because I had loved him first, that my marriage vows weren't sacred. And so, yes, we had an affair. It lasted five months, and finally we both realized something had to change. Arnold wanted me to do what I felt was right; I know deep down that he wanted me to leave Gordon and go away with him, but I was more and more realizing the significance of what I had promised Gordon by marrying him. He knew I was distant that summer, and he tried so hard to make me happy; to bring me back. I began to feel guilty over my actions. So finally I told Arnold we had to end it.

"Arnold said that we should do that if it's what I thought was best. We agreed never to see one another again. We were both heartbroken, though. I was miserable about everything in my life, for months afterwards. And it was magnified by Penelope's betrayal. She became more and more wild as time went on, and it all culminated when we vanquished her. I was depressed. I didn't think anything could ever make me happy again. I felt that way for a long time, until your mother was born. She was the first good thing in my life for a very long time.

"After your grandfather died, though, I decided to look up Arnold. I had to. I knew that most likely he was married and settled, but I thought maybe there was a chance...

"And that's when I discovered that he had died, just days after we broke up. I...It...It was all my fault, I'm sure. The war had scarred him so much, and then I hurt him even more. It was very likely a suicide, or if not, an accident caused by blinding pain. Phoebe had known about it, and she tried her best to convince me that it wasn't my fault, but I was positive that it was. I'm still positive. And there are days that it's so painful I can't breath." Patience paused, tears streaming down her face, her breathing labored.

"God, I loved him so much," she said. "We were soul mates, Patty. I truly believe it. And someday we'll have a second chance." She shook her head. "And now you know the truth. Phoebe was the only other person who ever knew. I'm sorry."

"Grandma," began Patty.

"Wait!" said Patience. "Patty, if there is anything you take away from this, I want you to realize that love is the most important thing in the world. You have to do anything for it. Never give up on it, and never let it go. I did both, and I've regretted it every day of my life. So even if you don't love Victor, although I think you do, please, please promise me that you'll follow your heart. Don't let doubts or fear overrule it."

"Grandma..."

"Promise me, Patty!"

Patty nodded. "All right, Grandma. I promise."

Patience smiled weakly. "Thank you," she said.

"Grandma," said Patty again, after a moment. "I'm really sorry about Arnold." She stood up and crawled onto the bed with her grandmother, hugging her tightly while Patience sobbed into her shoulder.

Someone was knocking at the door, loudly. Obnoxiously. Victor rolled over in bed and squinted at his alarm clock. It read 4:42. What the hell was someone doing at his door at this time of night?

Annoyed, Victor climbed out of bed and padded across the apartment, yanking open the door and blinking in a sleepy daze. Almost immediately, though, he snapped out of it. Standing in front of him was Patty, looking a mess with her hair in a lopsided ponytail, wearing baggy clothes and a pair of sneakers. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say a word, Patty stood on her tiptoes, snaked her arms around his neck, and kissed him, hard.

When she pulled back she tugged on his hand and led him into the apartment. "We need to talk," she said. And Victor tried to maintain his senses as he shut the door behind him.