Fearing Death

The rest of the week went by slowly, the days long, and the nights sleepless. I had become a shell of what I had been months, or even weeks ago. I barley talked, slept, ate. I was just in my little world, a sad world. I hadn't talked to Will since I walked out of the library. I had barley seen him. I had kept to myself this past week, when not having to be forced on the deck I was in my room, my only companion, was Star. I had become numb, nothing affected me anymore. I couldn't laugh, or smile, or do anything besides just have a blank expression on my face. I had grown pale, and my stomach would complain for food, but I would just sit in my room, wallowing in self pity. And today would be the worse day, today was the sixth day. At sunset Will would be permitted to walk on land, till sunset of tomorrow. He would be with his wife, and I would be here slowly wasting away. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw someone else looking back at me. The person was emotionless; her blue eyes were blank instead of happy. There was no smile gracing her features. Her face was pale instead of a nice tan. This person was almost skin and bones, while I was skinny, but with curves. I turned around to see Star taking a bath on my bed.

"What have I become Star?" I asked in a hoarse voice from not talking in the past several days. She looked up at me and when walked over to my lap and laid down on me as I stroked her.

"I don't feel like myself anymore, I don't even know who I am even more." I said quietly as she sniffed my fingers.

"Will, will be seeing his wife. His beloved wife. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why couldn't I have fallen in love with someone else? Someone who wasn't like Will, someone who wasn't caring, handsome, concerned about me, someone…someone who I will not be afraid to love." I said as a lone tear fell down my cheek. I just let it fall not caring, that I was the fiercest female pirate ever to sail the seven seas. I didn't feel fierce, I felt sad and depressed and lonely. Finally I got up from the bed as I changed into blue pants with matching vest and a white shirt, with a blue coat. My hair was up in a messy bun as I put my sword hilt on. The necklace was still around my neck, but it didn't give me pleasure looking at it. When I fingered it, it was cold, and not inviting. I walked up to the deck to see the crew already working. They had been going easy on me this week. I knew they were concerned for me though, everyone seemed to be, except Will. He probably didn't even know seeing as I hadn't seen him in days.

"Emily." I looked to see Billy looking concerned at me, he walked over to me.

"Are you alright? You look a little unsteady." I didn't say that everything was fuzzy, I didn't say I was lightheaded, I didn't say that I had a headache, I didn't say that I hadn't eaten a decent meal in two days. I just smiled and said.

"Of course I'm fine, I'm just tired." He looked unconvinced but I smiled up at him and he finally nodded before asking me to tie up some ropes by the railing. I walked over and fixed the ropes holding the sails. I looked down sea, in the past the sight of the sea would have filled me with immense joy, but not today. Today the sea filled me with dread. The rest of the morning went slowly. I was given small jobs to do on the deck. Jobs that wouldn't take me near Will, jobs that didn't need someone strong to do them. The hardest job I had that morning was cleaning out the storage area, only because some of the crates were heavy. I had lost some weight, and the lack of sleep made it hard for me to life heavy objects, or to stand for long periods of time. When I emerged back at noon the sun was high in the sky. I walked over to the crew as they sat and talked. As I sat down Billy offered me half of his apple.

"No thanks Billy, I'm not hungry." I said as everyone turned to look at me concerned. My stomach protested, but my mind was set and I wasn't going to eat.

"Emily you're getting more skin and bones with every passing day." Lenny said looking at me scared of my reaction.

"Well I'm not there yet." I said as I stood up to walk around the deck. I swayed a little when the ship rocked a little from an incoming wave; I hit the side of the crate and hissed in pain as I sank to the floor. A thought ran through my head, this vaguely reminded me of my death, which seemed like a lifetime ago. I laughed at my thought; I wonder if Jack ever got his fountain of youth? I hope so, just for the sake that I died on his adventure. A sudden wave of tiredness came over me, and I found my position on the ground quite comfortable and soon I was asleep. Hours later I felt someone poking me.

"Emily get up!"

"Go away." I muttered in my sleep, I hadn't slept in days, I am not getting up.

"Emily you can't just sleep on the deck." I groaned before finally opening one of my eyes. Bootstrap was looking down at me.

"Ah you're awake now, c'mon let's get you up." He said as he stood up offering me his hand, I took it up as he easily pulled me up, and it wasn't because he was strong.

"Emily you have gotten thin, when's the last time you've eaten child?" He asked as held onto my arm in fear that I would fall over, without his support.

"Full meals or tidbits?" I asked it was no use lying to Bootstrap.

"Full meals." I thought about it.

"Breakfast two days ago." I said as he led me over to the railing. He gave me a disappointed look.

"Emily why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Nothing, I am fine." I said weakly, ok maybe not so fine.

"I am no fool, you will not fool me. You are killing yourself."

"No I am not, I am just depressed. I will feel better again." I said as I looked at the ocean, a nice breeze was coming from the ocean. I looked to see the sun almost setting; I turned my eyes back to the ocean. Before sharply looking at the sun again. Bootstrap seemed to have seen my look because he said.

"Sunset is coming soon." I nodded.

"So it seems." I whispered. I turned around to see Will on the other side of the ship, climbing up on some ropes so he would be able to see once the sun set and we would be heading to land. I couldn't help but give a small smile at the sight of him; I could see a smile curling at his mouth as the sun got even lower. I turned away from him as a green flash blinded me for a second. When I opened my eyes I saw an island not far off from our ship. There was a large cliff and from here I could see one or two blurred figures on the cliff. I turned to look at Bootstrap to see he had gotten a telescope out and was looking at the figures. He gave a small almost inaudible gasp.

"What is it?" I asked alarmed. He just took the telescope away from his eye and nodded no.

"What, I want to see." He nodded gravely and wordlessly he handed me the telescope and I looked through it. It took me a couple of minutes to center on the people Bootstrap had been looking at. There was a woman standing there, I recognized here immediately as Elizabeth Turner. Odd enough there was a little boy of about 9 standing next to her. I gasped as I got a close look at the boy. He had brown eyes, brown hair, and looked like a miniature Will. That was his son. I brought the telescope down as I handed it back to Bootstrap.

"Emily." Before he could say anymore I had already walked off and was heading to my cabin. As I neared the stairs I heard a familiar voice yell.

"Emily!" instead of turning around or even acknowledging the person I kept walking.

"Emily please just talk to me." There was desperation in his voice. I turned around and said in an emotionless voice.

"Why there's nothing to talk about." I then continued walking till I reached my room. No sooner had I shut the door then it flew open and in barged Will.

"Emily."

"I don't want to hear it." I said as I turned my back to him.

"I don't care if you want to hear it, but you need to." I turned around to glare at him.

"So talk." I said in a dead kind of way.

"What's happened to us, what's happened to you?"

"Nothing has happened to us because there is nothing. And I haven't changed."

"Look at you Emily, what happen to the girl who was always laughing, who was tough but yet gentle. What happened to you?" I looked down as Will came closer to me. Tears started to sting my eyes as he pulled me into an embrace.

"Let me help you Emily." He said to me after my tears finally stopped. I shook my head no, but he took my face in his hands.

"I will help you get back to yourself, to the woman I love, understand?" I weakly nodded as I pulled away from him.

"You should go." I said.

"What about you." I knew he wasn't going to leave until he thought I would be ok. So I plastered a smile to me face as I said.

"I'll be fine; I won't have you miss your one day on land just to be here with me. We'll talk later."

"You will be here when I come back?" He asked staring intently into my eyes.

"Where else am I going to go?" I asked and he nodded. He then walked over and gave me a soft kiss before walking out of the room. Once I was sure he was gone I sank to the floor. More sobs came through my body as I cried my tears out. My heart felt as if it was going to explode. I can't stay here; I will not be a mistress anymore. I mean he has a child, and no child should have to go through that pain of knowing his father doesn't love his Mother. But I can't go anywhere. Part of the ship, part of the crew. Only way for me to leave would be to die and go to my judgment. But only Will can do that. "Well if the Dutchman is unable to ask people the question, then the first mate can do it." My head jerked up at the thought. I sprang up from my spot on the floor as quickly as I could; I was about to head out the door when a meow stopped me. I turned to look at my kitten. I walked over to the bed and I stroked her.

"I will miss you baby, but you will be taken care of." And then I ran out the door and onto the deck. It was still light out even though the sun was already down. Some of the crew were sitting around drinking rum. I ran over and yelled.

"Where's Bootstrap!" They all looked at me in shock.

"Emily are you alright, you look bad."

"Where is Bootstrap?" I yelled again as someone finally said.

"I think he is in the back of the ship." Lenny said pointing and I ran off in search of him. I found him looking at the ocean.

"Bootstrap!" I yelled as he turned around in surprise.

"Emily are you alright you look awful."

"I need your help." I said interrupting him.

"With what?"

"I need you to ask the question." I said quickly as his face looked at me in shock.

"Why do you want this?" He asked.

"Because I can not stay here." I said as even more tears came.

"You have been having problems but you do not need to die to solve them."

"How can I solve them? I am having an affair with a man I love but will never have."

"Doesn't mean you condemn yourself to hell."

"I'm already in hell, don't you see." I placed my hands on my heart.

"I am already dead up here; I don't feel anything anymore except hate for myself." I said as I became desperate.

"You are like a daughter to me I will not do that." He said strongly.

"Please Bootstrap I wouldn't ask this of you unless I was completely serious."

"What about Will?"

"You know he won't do it, he would persuade me out of doing it. Please Bootstrap, besides he has his wife and son to occupy his thoughts, he doesn't need me." Bootstrap stayed silent for several long heart wrenching minutes before he finally said in a pained voice.

"Ok I will help you." I nodded and hugged him.

"When do you want to do this?"

"Now, while Will's away." He nodded.

"Bootstrap?" I asked.

"Yes my child?" He asked hoping I would change my mind.

"Will you take care of Star?" I asked.

"That cat?" I nodded and he gave a bitter laugh.

"Yes I will take care of ye cat." I nodded happy knowing Star would have someone love her. I fingered my necklace and a thought came to me.

"Bootstrap?"

"Yes?" I took off my necklace and I handed it to him.

"Will you give this to Will? And will you tell him I'm truly sorry." A new set of tears came into my eyes. He nodded slowly before putting the necklace in his coat pocket.

"Are you ready?" I nodded as I stood there as he started talking.

"Emily Mary James do you fear death?" A million thought came into my mind, most of them doubt. I thought back to the past with Will and I. All of our kisses, whispers, touches, looks. I was about to say no when a new thought came into my head. It was of Will kissing Elizabeth and picking up his son and smiling at him. He wouldn't miss me; he would be in good hands. I looked back at Bootstrap and said in a clear and strong voice.

"No." Then darkness.

THE END…

(Please R and R! I do not own Pirates.)