-1I thought long and hard about this next part because finding a way to open up Dean Winchester is like trying to find a way to dry up the pacific ocean, it's damn near impossible. So I hope y'all like it, and as always thank you so much for your reviews on the lat chapter, and for following this story so faithfully, your replies keep me writing.
Bar Fights and Bullets
Chapter 17
Sam awoke suddenly from a deep sleep, his eyes shooting open instantly as he found himself surrounded by darkness and looked at the clock, 3:17 a.m. Then there it was the noise that had roused him so abruptly from his pleasant reality escaping slumbers.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! PLEASE NOOOOO!" Dean's frantic cries filled his ears again and he was out of bed in an instant, on his feet and racing down the hall to his brother's room.
- Dean clutched tighter to the body in his arms his hands shaking as he buried his face in to the now soaking wet brown mane of his brother, "I'm sorry…. It wasn't supposed to happen like this…. That wasn't- I was supposed to save you, protect you Sammy….. I'm sorry."
"Your bullet…." Sam's words were clear and painful as he took in his last heaving breath before his body stilled and his chest seized to rise again.
"Sammy…..Sammy…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOO!" Dean thrash frantically in his bed his body bathed in sweat, features contorted in pain as Sam heard small wheezing breaths pouring from his lips struggling for breath after breath.
"Dean!" He flipped on the light switch before making his way to his brother's bedside frowning to himself when he discovered that Dean was still fast asleep and obviously having some sort of nightmare his body twisted and contorted tangled in blankets and sheets of his bed.
Leaning down he gripped the trembling man's shoulders in his grasp and called to him again this time louder and with more force then before. "DEAN! WAKE-UP MAN!" Sam cursed at the panic lacing his voice and tried to swallow it down before continuing to attempt to rouse his brother, "Come on Wake up."
Dean's eyes flew open with a yelp and a large gasp for lung filling air as his head snapped up to see his brother's worried eyes peering down at him. "S-Sammy?" Much to his disliking that single word came out trembling and broken.
"I'm here… You were having a nightmare man."
"I-I was?" Dean tried his best to put on his innocent I don't know what your talking about face as he tore his eyes away from his brothers and looked toward the clock, the floor, and the dresser, anything that wasn't Sam's terrified face.
"Yes, another one." The younger brother's voice quieted a little, "This isn't healthy man…"
"I-I'll just start taking the tranquilizers again, I'm sorry I woke you…" Dean tried to push it all off as no big deal, but Sam knew better then that as Doctor Siere's words played once more in his mind.
"The burden your brother bear's is deeper then even you will ever know. The limitations of his physical being pale in comparison to those which hinder him emotionally,…"
"…if he continues to live behind these burdens and demon's created by such powerful and angry emotions, then he will remain helpless and trapped… just as he fears."
"You are his strength now, you are his power, the bond of your brotherhood only the surface of what you share, it is you who will pull him through, or you who will fail him…"
"Not from his lips…He has protected you beyond all reason, and now the time has come for you to do the same."
Blinking as each word crossed his mind, each statement re-encrypting it's self into his thoughts he shook his head, "No, no more drugs, those are not the answer…"
Dean's brow cocked and he looked at he brother and tilting his head a little, inwardly he asked himself when exactly Sam had aged no less then 10 years, when exactly had he become so old looking? "I can't help what I dream about Sammy…"
"You never talk about it Dean." Sam accused more then stated the words flying effortlessly out, his voice calm yet knowing.
"Talk about what?" Both boys knew that Dean was now going to attempt to play dumb to keep his nice strong emotional wall up.
"The accident, how you felt, how your feeling… Any of it, I know that I've pushed before to try to get you to talk to me, but I think that you need to talk to someone… Talk to me, tell me what's going on in that messed up head of yours and it might help a little you know?" He tried to sound as up as possible as he spoke watching as fear of emotional intimacy immediately worked it's way into his brothers eyes.
"You're tired Sam, get some sleep and we can pick this up in the morning…" Dean's voice was practically begging, he knew that his defenses were not up to a battle against his brothers emotional prodding as he closed his eyes and sunk back into his pillow.
"Oh no you don't!" Sam shook his head shoving his brother in the shoulder to open his eyes again.
"C'mon Sammy…"
"This has been a long time coming bro and you know it." Sam sighed, "You can't just keep everything bottled up like you are, it's not good for you, in fact to quote a wise man I once knew, 'it's going to kill you man!'."
"I'm never helping you out of an emotional crisis again if your going to use my words to turn around and bite me in the persquiter" Dean rolled his eyes thinking back to that night what seemed like a million years ago now, sitting in the impala the rain pouring down outside, Dean forcing his brother, well trying to force his brother anyway to open up about Jess' death.
"I'm serious Dean."
"So am I! I'm okay alright?!?"
"No you're not, and I'm not leaving this room, I'm not going back to bed until you open up to me at least a little bit about what's going on with you."
Dean grunted and attempted to roll himself over with a frown before snarling at his brother and picking his pillow up placing it over his head in an attempt to simulate darkness. "Good night Sam."
"Come on man, don't make me sit on you or something…"
"You wouldn't."
"Oh wouldn't I?" Sam questioned picking up the pillow over his brother's face and looking down at him with a very cocking and self explanatory expression, "Try me."
"Jeezus Sammy" Dean groaned, "You really are a pain in my ass you know that don't you?"
"You've told me many times before, and so yes I am well aware, but I'm a pain that's not going anywhere until you tell me what I want to know…"
"Yeah well,.. You can just forget it, I don't need to talk about anything so therefore there is nothing to talk about, now goodnight Sammy."
"Dean?"
No response.
"Dean?….Dean…. Dean…..? Dean….DEAN?!?!"
"WHAT?!?!" The older man growled venomously flinging his eyes open and glaring at his brother.
"Talk to me!"
"Sam…I-I can't alright?"
"Why the hell not?!?" Sam tried not to sound so offended.
"Because man, talking just… it's over rated, and it's not something that I do…."
"Well…" Sam drew his lip into his mouth, "Now is as good a time as any to start."
"I don't want to…"
"Yeah well, I don't care."
"Sam, please leave me alone. Go back to sleep."
"Not until you talk to me…"
"I am talking to you."
"No about what I want to talk about you smartass!"
"Sam."
"Dean!"
"Sam!"
"DEAN!"
"SAM!"
"This could really go on all night you know?" Sam smirked a little defiantly even though his eyes remained completely serious.
"Well then give up." Dean wanted to talk to Sam, well… He wanted to tell him, he wanted to make Sam more comfortable, to help him heal, but he just couldn't… Could he? The chances that this conversation would lead to any sort of emotional healing were slim to nil, and Dean had a bad feeling that the only thing he would cause was more turmoil if he told Sam what was really going on inside of him, why he had woe up screaming, and what the nightmares that plagued his thoughts were really about.
"I'm not giving up… But I'll make you a deal." Sam wavered from his determination only slightly in order to get his brother to budge.
"Alright Monty Hall… Let's make a deal then." The older and exhausted man agreed, knowing full well he was not going to like the outcome of this, but also knowing that this was the only way either one of them way ever going to sleep again….
"Alright," Sam nodded choosing his words carefully. "I get to ask you any five questions, and you have to answer them honestly, no beating around the bush, no false answers or metaphors and no dodging the question alright?"
Dean grimaced reluctantly, "Sam-"
"That's the Deal." Sam locked his features in determination and crossed his arms' over his chest. "Okay?"
Another sixteen seconds passed before Dean's head bobbed up and down in compliance, he hated this he hated every minute of this…. "Dude, you suck."
Sam smiled triumphantly before his face went serious again, "Alright… five questions…"
"Four." Dean interjected
"I said five!"
"Yes but you already asked me one!"
"I so did not!!!!" Sam's voice carried a bit of a whine to it suddenly!
"Yes you did! You asked me if I agreed to the terms of the agreement, and that was a question directed toward me from your own mouth Sammy."
"Technicality jerk, I'm calling do over!"
"You can't!" Dean smirked himself now, the truth be told he was more scared then anything of the questions he knew his brother was going to ask him, he was more afraid of serious conversations, matters of the heart, his heart, then any demon or evil they had ever faced… Even the prospect of spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair sometimes felt less scary then the thought of opening his mind and his thoughts, his emotions and showing any sign of weakness,
So he did the only thing he knew how, he cracked jokes and made fun to mask all his own inner pain.
"Yes I can and I just did, so…." Sam made himself more comfortable on the edge of his brother's bed fidgeting a little, the truth be told, he wasn't sure he was quite ready for this either, but it needed to be done, and as he told Dean, now was as good a time as any to begin. 5 questions, 5 small chinks in the armor his brother had barricaded himself behind so thickly, that was the only hope, the only chance either one of them had at a full recovery.
The first questioned screamed it's self inside Sam's head, it had been the same question he had asked himself over and over from the moment he had held his brother's body that night in the parking lot of the run down and shitty bar praying for his life. "Why Dean? Why did you do it?"
Both boys knew the answer to this question already, but Sam needed to hear it for himself as much as he knew Dean needed to say it, he needed to know without a doubt the details of his brothers thoughts during that moment…
"I don't wanna do this." Dean shook his head he could feel his heart already beginning to speed up inside his chest and knew that his inner knots and discomfort would only escalate as the conversation progressed.
"Tell me." Sam's voice and eyes both pleaded his puppy like orbs dropping into the most pathetic face Dean swore his brother had ever made.
"You're my brother Sam." Dean stated bluntly ignoring the air constriction in his throat and forcing his eyes to look down away from his baby brother's face once again, "I've always told you that I would do anything for you, anything to protect you… And so I did…..I-I heard the gun cock, and I knew the next bullet would be yours and I pushed you out of the way… I had to save you man, there was nothing else to it, you and dad are everything to me and the thought of losing you over powers anything that I feel for myself…" He shook his head a little and Sam watched as his older brother wiped at his chin nervously his fingers shaking. "That's all there is to it… Next question."
"When…. When you first, you know, woke up that day in the hospital, and you found out about what had happened… When the doctor's told you that you wouldn't you know walk again…. How did it feel? I mean you never talked about it, and you just kind of shut off man…"
Dean refrained from a smart comment coming from his lips as he noticed how hard this conversation was not only for himself but for Sam his younger brother hardly able to get the words out obviously suffering from the same visual reminders inside his head as Dean was at this point.
The older man could remember far to well waking up in the hospital, the doctor's matter of fact tone as he said that Dean would never walk again… The emptiness that over took him, the pain that hurt so deep everything else seemed dull in comparison. "It burned…." He whispered swallowing hard, "It burned and felt cold all at the same time, everything inside of me just sort of fought to shut down… But- then I saw you, you were there just like you always are…. And I just couldn't let go…. I-I couldn't leave you here, even if I was helpless and worthless, even if I never took another step… You were okay and that was all that mattered…."
Sam shivered inwardly as the end of that statement penetrated his mind and played over again and he blinked back a tear or two clearing his throat watching an array of emotions cross over Dean's face at the memory before his features fell flat again. "You-You do know that your not worthless now don't you? You-you saved my life Dean, and your getting better, you were never worthless…"
"Is that your third question?" Dean cleared his head with a small shake pulling himself from his thoughts and glancing up to Sam for only a split second before looking down again and fidgeting with his finger nails.
"Does it have to be?"
"five questions…" Dean reminded him.
"Then yes."
"Then yes, there are days when I still wake up feeling more useless then a chewed up piece of gum, there are days that I don't want to get out of bed because I don't see the point in it… I am a hunter and all I seem to be hunting for lately is handicapped parking and wheelchair ramps. This, this hasn't been easy Sam, and there are times when I look at you and at dad, and I realize that mine isn't the only life that was ruined by this… And those days I feel worthless, and I feel helpless and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix any of it alright? So I fight harder, I push harder and I get nowhere!!!"
Anger flashed through Dean's eyes now, eyes that only minutes before had been pained and saddened were now flashed with anger and even gult as Sam watched him ball the sheets into his grasp making a fist,
"Dean-"
"I'm so damn helpless Sam, and there is nothing I can do about it, just like with Mom and when you went off to college, just like when Dad left, there was not a damn thing I could do then and there is not a damn thing I can do now except for sit in this chair and rot!"
Sam flinched at the venom in his brothers words but did not let it show as he nodded his head in response, he could see it now, he could see just below the surface of his brother the pain and the burden that the doctor spoke of, he could see the wounds of a tortured soul and how as the pain and anger his brother was throwing out they were already beginning to heal, and now was the time for Sam to help him, to strengthen him.
"You're not going to rot in that chair Dean, you've already proven that…" The younger man whispered clearing his throat, "There are things that we go through in this life… Moments that we all have, where we are helpless against life, it doesn't mean-"
"I don't!"
"Dean, when mom died you were four years old, you were just a kid alright? There was nothing you could of done, it was shitty but it was the way things worked, and me, going off to college had nothing to do with you, I told you that a thousand times, I needed to go I needed a new life…. There are reasons for everything man, and it is in those times when those things happen that we accept our weak moments and lean on those who can help,…."
"I hate leaning…"
"Yeah well, as much as you wouldn't like to think this… You are human, and you have human needs so…."
"You know… All those times though Sammy…" Dean wanted to shut himself up, he didn't know why this was coming out, he needed to say it, and as much as he fought he couldn't hold it back.
"What Dean…" Sam could see his brother arguing with himself on the inside by the look of confusion across the older man's face, "Come on tell me.
Popping his neck dean spoke again he hated feeling so damn uncomfortable, but inside deep down there was a pressure releasing somewhere… he could feel it, and it felt right. "All those times…. There was only one thing, one person who was there for me….You know I've been a real asshole lately, and I ummm… you know I appreciate…."
Sam nodded he could see Dean's struggle to get the words out, his brother was never one to express himself emotionally well, it just never came to him naturally like it did to Sam. "I know you do….I me, no one has saved my ass more then you…."
"Yeah well, I don't trust anyone else to watch my back so I gotta keep you in one piece!" Dean attempted a small amount of humor to untwist his insides and thin out the air that was now surrounding both men. Inwardly satisfied when Sam smiled lightly and chuckled at his humor/
"I-I only have one more question…."
"Two." Dean shook his head not wanting to admit it but secretly finding himself although more and more uneasy with each passing moment of this heart to heart,… He was growing more and more comfortable as well, a feeling he couldn't explain if he tried.
"Well…I only need one more for now… I'll save the other one for later."
"Okay." Dean nodded a little wondering which internal would his brother was going to chose to infect next but ready for it whatever it was…
"These nightmares… What happens in them….? What is it that your so afraid of that you can't seem to move forward?"
Okay, maybe he wasn't ready for anything… "I don't know?" He tried lamely and cursed softly when the look on his brothers face showed lack of belief and amusement.
"Come on Dean… This will be good for you man, maybe you can finally sleep through the night…"
" Dreams are private Sam…"
"These are not dreams Dean, these a tormenting you…" Sam prodded lightly, "And besides you have to answer…. That was the deal…."
"I didn't save you…." Dean's voice dropped to just above a whisper, "I couldn't save you…That night at the bar alright?"
Sam felt numb instantly as he stared blankly in Dean's direction, that was the big mysterious dream? That was the torment deep inside his brother that was holding him back so strongly? He blinked a few times slowly and watched as tears appeared in Dean's eyes the older man closing them tightly and fighting to push them away.
"I-I watch you die…. And I didn't save you, your last breath, your last words, and all of it is as real as this is now…." Dean cleared his throat and ran a hand over his face and through his hair shakily.
"Dean…" Sam's voice was a choked out sound of a whimper, seeing his brother his hero breaking at such a simple sentence was almost more then he could bare to watch, but he was close, so close to it all… to the truth that he needed to push. "Why?"
"Wh- who know?"
"You do… And I want you to tell me, I need you to tell me man,…." The statement was as honest as anything Sam had ever said, he needed to know, he needed to hear it, he needed to unlock and open his brother the rest of the way…. For himself as much as for anything else.
Dean drew in a shakey breath and shrugged his shoulder swallowing the lump that had now worked it's way into his throat as Sam watched him beginning to fidget nervously once more, trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings trying to make sense of everything he held inside…
"May-maybe because I didn't save you?"
"Of course you saved me…."
"Did I" Only now Dean found the will and the strength inside to let his eyes meet his brothers again, Sam could see it all the pain, the doubt and the fear, "I might of saved you from the bullet Sammy, but I didn't save you from the destruction of it, this ruined your life man, it ruined you as much if not more then it ruined me… You think I don't see it? You think I don't know what this is doing to you? And- and there's nothing I con do to help you, not this time…." His words died down to silence and he looked away again, he had to look away he could feel them, those damn pesky tears making there way down his cheeks,
"Dean…" Sam bit back his own emotions and in a bold move reached forward placing a hand on this brothers shoulder causing the shaking in his flesh to instantly subside, "You're fighting, you're not giving up…. And that is helping me alright? As long as you don't just let go and give into this…. Then you are helping me…"
"But-" Dean looked up now in time to see Sam shaking his head in defiance.
"No buts… I'm not going to lie to you alright, you've been honest with me and now I'll be honest with you…" He drew in as much of a breath as he could before continuing resisting his own urge to look away. Wanting Dean to know that the words he was about to say truly meant something, so he didn't break their gaze, he just kept looking, kept speaking and kept his own tears at bay as best he could.
"This…This whole thing has been hard alright? It's been harder then anything and everything we have ever faced, and the guilt that I felt that I still feel is over whelming… But I know okay? I know that what happened was no ones fault aside from the men who pulled the trigger…. This… This burden that you've been carrying for so long though, this… pain it has to stop, no ones life was ruined by what happened that night, not yours and sure as hell not mine, we just need to fight and win…"
Dean found himself wondering now exactly when Sam had grown so wise, when his little brother had transformed into the man who sat beside him, whose voice was filled with confidence and knowledge far beyond either of their years….
"What you did for me that night, the price you paid, the pain that you felt… I can never repay you, you did save me….. I don't want you to think for another minute that you destroyed me… You saved me, you always save me… And I know that no matter what you always will…. You have never been helpless… Worthless…. My strength through all of this has come from the fact that I know that you're going to do whatever the hell it takes to beat this thing and that you will stand again, walk again and remember who Dean Winchester really is…."
Sam eyed his brother wondering briefly if he had gone to far with his words, if Dean would even take them seriously, or just think that they were another useless speech from his pansyfied brother's emotional instability.
But what happened next…. Proved to him, showed him, that he had in fact gotten through, that Dean had heard him…
His heart constricted in his chest as Dean wiped at his tears that were now flowing against his will down his face before nodding his head silently and bringing his hand up resting it on top of his brother's that was still placed there. Sam could feel it shaking, trembling against his but said nothing.
"Thank you…." Dean mumbled swallowing.
"For…For what?"
"Well.." Dean smirked a little, "Sure as hell not for turning me into a chick." He grunted and used his free hand to wipe at his eyes in vain.
Sam chuckled, "I won't tell anyone I promise…"
"But you know, for uh… For this,…. And for believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself…"
"Hey. It's the least I could do, after all, you did save my life…"
Dean smirked again this time his cocky expression returning fully to his features, "Now… Can we please try to get some sleep Dr. Phil?"
Sam looked over at the clock on the wall and groaned, the numbers now reading 5:46... "I think maybe that's a good idea…"
"Hey Sam?" Dean looked up at his brother as Sam rose from the bed and stretched his limbs tiredly.
"Hmmmm?"
"Since you know it's been a really long night and it's all your fault. Maybe we could just skip therapy tomorrow and I could lay here all day?"
Sam's jaw fell open in shock at the seriousness in his brother's face as he shook his head, after all that, after everything… Dean was seriously saying this?"
The older man's eyes sparkled mischievously and he chuckled at the look he was now receiving… "Just kidding… G'nite bitch."
"You really are a jerk you know that?" Sam turned to leave flipping the light back off.
"Yeah well…" Dean listened as the door closed behind his brother and exhaled loudly, in that simple movement it was as though every tortured and pent up emotion left him… He felt good…. He felt right and almost normal, he had opened up, maybe not in the most conventional way… And maybe he would never do it again….
But for the moment, he felt good….
From where he now sat on the couch John smiled toward his son as Sam closed the door to Dean's room. "You okay?"
The youngest Winchester nodded, judging by the pleased look now across his father's features, he knew he had heard everything… "Yeah." He smiled a little for the first time since all of this had begun he truly believed he really was okay again. "I'm fine."