Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, here's the next chapter of The Sleepover Series! This one is longer than the others, but it's SO damn funny. I had a great time with this chapter. You'll love it! You really will. Okay, on to the disclaimer.
I don't own FF VII or any of her characters. I also don't own Moulon Rouge, Frankenstein, She-Ra, Skeletor, Armageddon or Gladiator. Hehe. Try and figure out what I used those for before you read this.
"I'm hungry, guys." Yuffie said.
"Me too." Tifa nodded along with Elena.
"Hungry for what? It's nearly midnight." Tseng asked, curious.
"We're hungry for YOU, Tseng!" Yuffie giggled at his expression. "No, I want something smothered in gravy. Although, you'd be fun to lick gravy off of, Tseng..." Tseng went wide-eyed for a moment, then smiled slightly.
"Gravy? PMSing much, Yuffie?" Elena gave her a playful shove.
"I don't crave stuff when I'm PMSing. I smell stuff that isn't there."
"Stuff?" Tseng asked, one eyebrow raised. He seemed afraid of the answer he'd get.
"Like, hotwings at three in the morning, or bacon. One time I smelled burnt cotton candy."
"BURNT cotton candy? How do you even know what that smells like?"
"No idea, but I smelled it one time. It's like a new form of PMS or something."
"How the hell do you smell things that aren't there?" Cid asked, scratching his head. No one could answer him, so they stayed silent.
"At least we know why Yuffie was looking around the Highwind for melted chocolate easter bunnies stuffed with pistachio flavored marshmallows that one time." AVALANCHE nodded, but Reno turned to stare at them.
"She smelled WHAT?"
"Melted chocolate easter bunnies stuffed with pistachio flavored marshmallows." Cloud repeated.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." Reno went back to watching the screen.
"When's the food gunna get here, Tifa? I'm starvating!"
"They said around twenty minutes." Tifa was setting a cell phone on a side table while she talked. "They've never had an order quite like that, so I think it'll take a little while for it to sink in."
"What's so odd about Southern Fried Chicken Pizza with gravy instead of marinara sauce?"
"That..." Barret said, rubbing his chin. "...don't sound too bad, actually." A chorus of 'yeah' answered his statement.
"I think it was the side order of coleslaw with apple jelly in it that got to them."
"HEY! You're the one who ordered mashed potatoes, only slightly mashed but with no big chunks, with peas already mixed in it! I hate peas!" Yuffie had wrinkled her nose at the thought of the round green vegetable.
"Come on, it's not that bad! Sides, Elena got barbecue sauce to pour over her sweet potatoes!" Elena smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "And Tseng ordered MILK to drink, of all things!"
"I happen to like milk, thank you."
"With Southern Fried Chicken Pizza?"
"Two words, Tseng: EW, and GROSS!"
"I'm sure you eat or drink nothing that's out of the ordinary, Yuffie."
"Nope! I'm perfectly normal!"
'cough-bullshit-cough' Yuffie sent a mock glare at Tifa and Elena, who both had a 'coughing fit' at the same time.
"What do I eat that's weird?"
"Well, you ARE the only person I know that can even MAKE a grape pie, let alone EAT it."
"Grape pie? You make grape pie? How is that possible?" Yuffie transferred her mock glare to Tseng, who winced at seeing it. She smiled then, crawling over to him and laying her head on his shoulder.
"It's a secret. I could tell you, but I'd have to kiss you." Tseng thought about that for a moment, then raised one hand, index finger out and ready to make a point and mouth open to speak when he paused and lowered his hand. He thought about her words some more before speaking. The girls were all snickering at him.
"I fail to see how that's a threat..."
"Tseng, you fucking idiot, that's an open invitation." Reno put his head in his hand, shaking it at the same time. Rude just sighed along with the rest of the room.
"Tell me how you make grape pie, Yuffie." Yuffie got on her knees and whispered into Tseng's ear with cupped hands for a few moments. She was grinning when she pulled away, holding a finger to her lips to indicate that it was a secret. "Are you serious?" Yuffie nodded.
"Now I have to kiss you, cause you know my secret and I can't just let you know it and blab it to the world."
"WAIT! We're not ready yet! Just a sec!" Tifa yelled, her and Elena both rummaging through bags for something. Elena gave a triumphant squeak and held two sparklers in her hands. Tifa squeaked a moment later, holding up a small device in her hand. She hit a few buttons, biting her tongue slightly as she did so. "OKAY! Ready!" Elena ran behind Tseng and Yuffie , hiding behind them both, lit sparklers in hand. She held them just over and behind their heads.
Tseng had no time to remark on the odd behavior of the women. He was being quite thoroughly kissed by Yuffie, her lips and tongue demanding and getting his attention. He was vaguely aware of a clicking sound and a minimal flash of light, but he ignored it. Tseng stared at Yuffie for a moment when she pulled away, willing her to continue the kiss but knowing she wouldn't.
"Vincent." The man looked over at Reno mildly. "Aren't you jealous or upset? She's playing tonsil hockey with Tseng and you're just sitting there like a fucking rock."
"I have no claim on Yuffie beyond friendship. Why would I be upset about her kissing someone?"
"Cause it isn't you?" Reno said it as though it were a well known idea.
"We are not a couple, Reno. If Yuffie wishes to have my attention she will have it with no complaint on my part."
"You are SO weird, Vincent...I'd be up there trying to slit his damn throat if I were you."
"Again, I hold no claim on her."
"But don't you WANT a claim?" Vincent was about to respond, but Cid beat him to it.
"Shut the hell up! You're turning this into some kinda damn soap opera!"
"...awesome picture! This is the best one EVER!" The three women were all crowded around Tseng, looking at a Polaroid picture.
"You make a habit of doing that? Here I thought I was special."
"You ARE special, Tseng!" Yuffie managed to get into his lap and hug him around the neck. "You saved us, and you're here with us and having fun and not freaking out and you're a great kisser and you are so special! But not short bus special."
"Here, Tseng." Tifa handed him a small pile of Polaroids which he leafed though one handed, his other hand was occupied with holding onto Yuffie. "This is the best one besides the one we just took."
"I'm not sure if I should smile or be aroused."
"What are those pictures of? Can you focus in on them, Reno?" Reeve asked. Reno shook his head.
"Angle's wrong."
"Damn..."
"Why not be both?"
"Because I do not relish a case of blue balls, thank you."
"Like we'd let that happen..."
A collective groan came from the lobby below. It was so loud the girls and Tseng all looked up at the sound. They stayed quiet until the girls went back to talking.
"Must have been that creepy guy next door...anyways, we're not that cruel, Tseng!"
"Yuffie, you're sitting on my lap and I'm looking at pictures of the three of you kissing in the strangest settings. I said I'd rather not get a case of blue balls."
"Pictures of them kissing? FUCK! I want to see 'em!" Reno whined.
"Me too. Damn his luck." Cid continued to curse under his breath.
"...can get off you, if you're that bothered..." Yuffie said with a pout and a movement as though she was going to get up.
"I'd prefer you to stay where you are, actually."
"Good man, Tseng." Cloud nodded his agreement with Reeve.
"Hey, what should we do while we're waiting for the food, guys? I don't want to start the movie before we eat. Plus we need to get snacks and drinks for it too."
"We could play strip poker." Elena offered.
All the men in the lobby leaned forward eagerly.
"Aw, man, but I suck at poker!" Yuffie said, which made the audience lean forward even more.
"Tseng can be your partner, Yuffie. He's great at poker." Elena offered, looking to Tseng for his approval. He nodded 'yes' which made Yuffie smile. "I'll get the cards." She rummaged in a bag once again, pulling out a deck of playing cards. She shuffled them expertly before dealing. Yuffie was still using Tseng as a chair so that he could easily see her hand. Tifa and Elena were stone faced, arranging their cards around while Tseng simply glanced at his and laid them down to look at Yuffie's hand. He whispered a few things to her then waited for the others to get ready. A few cards later, Tseng ended up the winner.
The girls groaned, but complied with the rules and removed articles of clothing. Elena removed a pair of fuzzy socks, Tifa removed her tank top and Yuffie stood up long enough to take off her pajama pants. She had on yellow bikini style panties that matched the color on her pajamas.
"I'm SO glad you Turks took a vacation at the same time and place as us..." Cloud said. Rude nodded along with Reno as they continued to watch the screen.
"Why'd you take off your pants, Yuffie? I'd think the shirt would be less trouble."
"Nothing underneath it."
"Oh."
"Tseng better win again, cause they ain't wearing much else." Barret said. They were interrupted by a delivery man walking in, carrying two large bags, and going up the stairs. A knock was heard in the room upstairs. The girls and Tseng looked up at the sound, dropping their cards on the beds. Yuffie got up from Tseng's lap to answer the door.
"Delivery for Lockheart, one fried chicken pizza and...side orders...dessert...dear god..."
"YAY! Food's here, guys!" Yuffie jumped up and down, cheering while the delivery man stared. He continued to stare as Tifa and Yuffie both grabbed a bag, Elena putting the deck of cards away. Tseng looked curiously at the pizza, ignoring the man at the door. "Oh, wait, we need to pay the delivery guy!"
Tifa threw a bag of gil at Yuffie, who counted it out and handed it to the dazed delivery man. He numbly took the gil in his hand, staring at Yuffie's sparse clothing and gulping. Yuffie blew him a kiss and shut the door, running eagerly back to the bed and the food.
It was several minutes before the men below heard the man go back down the stairs.
"So, what movie are we gunna watch, guys?" Yuffie said around a mouthful of pizza. She was working on her third slice already. The others were chewing so they couldn't answer right away.
"What'd we get? Something we haven't seen lately, I hope." Elena said, Tifa nodding as she licked the spoon from her mashed potatoes and peas.
"Cloud, you're one lucky bastard, you know that?" Everyone turned to look at Rude, who had used more words in a few seconds than at any other time they'd seen or heard.
"Yeah. You should see the way she eats ice cream...complete tease. Licks around the edge of the cone when it starts to drip, then all the way up and down."
"Shit. If that's how she eats ice cream, what does she do when giving you a blow job?" Reno asked, mostly to himself.
"If they start an orgy, you may find out, Reno." Vincent said. Reno spared him a brief glance.
"They start an orgy, I'm gunna be in it."
"It is a shame I am so much closer to the stairs than you." Vincent chuckled once again at the withering looks the men gave him.
"Where'd you put the bag,Tifa?" Yuffie asked, looking around the bedroom. She had finished her meal and was now contemplating dessert while looking for a bag.
"I think it's under your bed, Yuffie."
"It is?" Yuffie flipped over on her belly, head hanging near the floor as she searched for the missing bag. Her feet were up in the air as she inched lower to the floor. "AH HA! FOUND IT!"
The men below all sighed, unhappy that she had found the bag that quickly.
"What'd we end up with this time?" Elena asked, finishing off her sweet potatoes, licking a finger free of sauce. Yuffie took out several movies, scanning them before answering.
"Well, let's see here...Beauty and the Beast..." The women all squeeeeee-d at that and Tseng just looked scared at their reaction. "...love that movie, we'll watch it later...here we go! We've got 'Cunt Munchers',..."
"What?" Reno asked no one in particular.
"...Moulon Spooge..."
"What!" Barret asked.
"...this looks funny, Wankenstein..."
"What th'..." Reeve said.
"...The Adventures of She-Ra and Skeletor's Rod of Power..."
"..." Vincent quirked an eyebrow along with his silence.
"...Moo Shoo Porkers III..."
"Wha...porn? They're gunna watch...porn?" Cloud looked to Reeve, who nodded an affermative.
"...and Armagetiton. Which one first?" Yuffie looked up at her companions as though nothing was odd at all.
"Moo Shoo Porkers I was good, but the second one sucked ass, literally." Tifa made a face and Elena nodded.
"Did I just hear Tifa say 'it sucked ass'?" Cid asked?
"Yep." The room replied.
"The thrid Moo Shoo isn't all that bad, but Armagetiton is much better." Tseng said. The women, and the men in the lobby, looked at Tseng as though he had grown a second head. The man was calmly drinking the last of his milk under their scrutiny. "It all depends on what you're look for in pornography. For hilarity, Wankenstein would be the path to choose."
"Tseng...you watch porn!" Yuffie nearly squealed.
"Yes. Why does that strike you as odd? It seems rather odd that the three of you watch it at all, let alone together."
"We watch it cause its funny as hell. We get the most ridiculous titles we can find. Some turn out hotter than the sun, but most just suck so bad you can't stop laughing long enough to get aroused."
"There are quite a few of those. One of the funnier ones is called 'Gladiator Eroticus'. My god, I've never seen such horrible dubbing in my life." The girls all turned their heads to the side at the same time, making him chuckle. "It was filmed in Romania, but dubbed over in English by voice actors that aren't native speakers."
"Why was it funny, Tseng?" Elena asked, her head now back in its normal position.
"The fact that they use dildos instead of swords to 'kill' their opponents." Tifa and Yuffie both fell into fits of laughter at that. "You should watch it and see if you're Great Wutain Challenge is in it."
"-ulp-" Cid had somehow managed to swallow his cigarette at Tseng's words and was now coughing and choking. Barret had to hit him several times on the back before Cid spit it out and took a breath. "Thanks..."
"What was that all about?" Reno asked.
I hope you guys laughed as hard as I did at the porn names. Hehe. Anyways, no mud wrestling this chapter. I don't know if I can actually fit it in. Maybe if I make a sequel or something. YAY. Something to look forward to!
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