It's pretty sad when I sit here and giggle about how funny I am. SO, here's the next chapter, as promised! This one is long, and funny and has SMUFF at the end! Not too much though, just a small snipit of it. Enjoy!
I don't own FF VII or any of her characters.
"Going here was an excellent idea, Elena."
"I can't help what I'm craving, sir. I'm just glad you agreed. I hate take out."
"Do you really?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you like take out, Tseng?"
"It depends on where it's from. I would prefer The Lotus over any of the other restaurant." They were being lead by a crisply dressed host and bowed to their table. There were no chairs in the restaurant. Large silk cushions were used in place of chairs at the low tables. Beautifully painted scrolls and delicately carved wooden screens lined the walls while a woman dressed in a kimono played a stringed instrument. Tseng was impressed every time he entered the restaurant. It was a perfect representation of Wutai before it had become a tourist haven. "Then again, there is nothing like a genuinely cooked meal from a native. This is as close as you can get outside Wutai."
"Oh?" Said Rufus, watching another kimono clad woman pour them tea. "And where, pray tell, do you get such meals? Do you get Ms. Kisaragi to make them for you?"
"No. Why would I?"
"The way I hear it, you've gotten close to the little ninja." Elena coughed and shook her head slightly, letting Tseng know that she hadn't told him. Rufus had told him more than once it was a shame he wasn't at least bi-curious. For some reason, he had trusted Tseng with the knowledge of his being gay. It made sense in a way though. Rufus needed someone who knew and could be trusted to keep it a secret. There would be no late night trips to the 'bar', as Rufus called it, else.
"That may be true, sir, but I have yet to enjoy a meal Yuffie has made."
"Who speaks the name of the White Rose of Wutai?" The whole table turned to see who was speaking. They found her at the next table, smiling and waving at them. Yuffie was elegantly dressed in a traditional kimono, fitting right in with the decorations, but making it seem more like a palace than a restaurant. Tseng was surprised, and stared at her until Elena hit his foot with one of her own. He chanced another look at Yuffie, who gave him a grin.
"That would be me, Ms. Kisaragi."
"Well, if it isn't Rufus and the Turks! Fancy meeting you here! Oh, this is my friend, Sieji." She was pointing at a man sitting next to her. He was also dressed in traditional clothes, and almost gave Yuffie a run for her money in looks. While not overly feminine, he had a beauty that many women would envy. Long elegant fingers were carefully pouring tea for Yuffie, so he could not look up completely, but he offered a small smile to the people at the next table.
It was Rufus who was staring at the next table now. Tseng had to tap his shoe with one finger to get him to stop. He looked over at him, and Tseng mouthed the words 'You were staring.' before he could receive a glare. Rufus returned his attention to Yuffie and Sieji, this time wearing a smile that could and did melt many hearts.
"It would be wonderful if the two of you could join us. Then we won't have to speak across two tables." Yuffie and her companion shared a look, then nodded, joining Rufus and the others. It somehow ended up being Sieji that sat next to Rufus, with Yuffie and Elena next to Tseng. Yuffie grinned widely and winked at them.
"A pleasure to meet you, Rufus-san. Could you introduce me to your companions?"
"Oh, yes, of course. This is Elena, " Elena smiled at him over her tea. "And this is Tseng." Tseng nodded at him, and received a slightly raised eyebrow and a long glance before going back to Rufus, wearing a gentle smile.
"Pleased to meet you. Thank you for inviting us to join you. I had no idea Yuffie-chan had such charming friends."
"Only the best for me, Sieji, you know that." Sieji turned to his friend and smiled.
"Of course. But, you must forgive me for asking this, Rufus-san. Who was it that butchered your hair like that? I can not believe you would allow it."
"This?" Rufus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It looked perfect to everyone else at the table, but apparently he and Sieji had a better eye for good hair cuts. "My stylist was out with the flu, and a temp had to do it. I had a meeting in an hour, and I couldn't go without getting it cut. Normally, I have Jullian cut it."
"Jullian Stephens? He's a wonder. I do wish I lived closer to Edge. I miss luncheons with him." Sieji lifted a hand to brush one perfect lock of hair out of his eyes, but it fell back to its place almost immediately.
"You know him? I can't believe he never told me about you. Are you a client?" Rufus was giving his new friend an almost dreamy look.
"No. I cut my own hair, but Jullian and I are old friends."
"YOU cut your hair? Amazing. I could never hope to do that. I'd butcher it worse than the temp did."
"It takes a great deal of practice. While I would never infringe upon Jullian's clients, it would be such a relief to give you a proper cut. Perhaps after we eat?"
"That would be wonderful. I haven't bothered Jullian about it, seeing as he was so ill and sent me flowers as an apology for not being there. Is there a store open where you can get supplies?"
"I have them with me." Everyone at the table gave him a wide eyed look. "I was walking through Edge last year, and happened to look in a store window. There were two hairs half an inch longer than the others. I had a horrid time finding decent shears to fix it, so I keep them with me. You have an excellent tailor, Rufus-san. Might I have his name?"
"Of course!"
The conversation for Rufus and Sieji continued, subtle flirting masked behind social graces. The two men were enraptured with each other, leaving the others to themselves.
"My gawd, Yuffie! Where did you find that guy?" Elena asked quietly, while Yuffie poured them more tea.
"He's my best friend back home. The one that does my hair and make-up when I have to dress up."
"Wow. He's gorgeous! Almost a waste of a man, being gay."
"He has two sons back home with an old girlfriend, before he 'came out'. There won't be a shortage of beautiful men in the world." Yuffie cast Tseng a glance before going on. "Tseng should have children, too. That way, they'll meet up and be the most beautiful couple in the world."
"While I appreciate the compliment, I will not have children for the sake of giving the world beautiful people."
"Oh, come now, Tseng-san!" Tseng almost choked on his tea when Sieji addressed him. Rufus was smiling at him along with Sieji. "You and Yuffie-chan would have SUCH beautiful children together. If my own sons were not perfectly adorable I would say your children would outshine them." Tseng turned bright red, which amused Rufus, while Yuffie 'squeee'ed and hugged her friend.
"Aw, that's so sweet, Sieji! Saying I'll have pretty children."
"I do believe I said 'beautiful', Yuffie-chan. And I would fancy Elena-san's daughter would be a picture of loveliness."
"Oh, gawd, really!" Tseng hung his head for a second at the women's reactions.
"Yes. Here, here, take your cups. Normally a toast is made with alcohol, but tea will have to do for now." He waited for everyone to take their respective cups, giving Tseng a significant look, making him pick his own up. "To populating the world with beautiful people."
Soon after the toast was made, the food arrived at their table. Dinner went smoothly after that, with Rufus and Sieji making excuses to touch one another in inconspicuous ways. They all decided to go to Rufus' apartment after dinner. Reno and Rude were going to meet them there, so that Elena and Tseng would get the rest of the night off.
"You two have fun, now, and don't do anything I wouldn't do." Yuffie said, winking at Rufus and Sieji as she, Elena and Tseng were leaving. Rufus gave her a very level look, which he transferred to Tseng in turn.
"You planned this."
"Really, Rufus, how could you say such a thing!" Yuffie said. "We never planned on you getting a hair cut!" Rufus then smiled at them, and waved them off.
"I will give you the same advice, then."
"That doesn't leave much out, does it?"
"No."
They left after that, waving at Reno and Rude who were lounging on the couch watching a football game. Reno gave them a suspicious look before going back to the game.
The drive to Tifa's bar was quick and uneventful. Tifa greeted them at the door and showed them through the masses of people to the rooms upstairs. She was informed of the nights events, and 'squeeee'ed as Yuffie had at the comment about having beautiful children with Tseng. Tifa handed him a bag that held a change of clothing for him and he went into the bathroom to change. He had a feeling that watching the women change would not be a smart thing to do.
"You can come out now, Tseng!" Elena yelled through the door. He emerged slowly, ready to lower his eyes and jump back inside if it was a trick. It wasn't, and all four of them piled into Tseng's car, Tifa giving directions on how to get to the other bar. He managed to find a parking spot close to it, and followed the women inside.
All three of them were greeted by the staff and a few people that must be regulars. A waitress showed them to a table near what looked like a boxing ring. Four beers appeared without being ordered while the waitress chatted briefly with Elena. Bawdy music played a little too loudly while the tables began to fill up. There were more men than women there. Everyone was in a good mood, though. Just as all the tables were filled, the women decided that they had to go to the bathroom.
"Why are ALL of you going?"
"It's a girl thing, Tseng. Girls always go to the bathroom together at bars and clubs." Tifa said, walking away.
"We'll be back soon, don't worry!" Yuffie patted his cheek gently before following Elena and Tifa. They were gone for almost ten minutes when the lights dimmed and the spotlight turned on. It was on the center ring, and a man came out with a microphone wearing sunglasses and a tropical flowered shirt.
"Goooooooooooooood evening, friends! It's a lovely night here at Humdinger's, don't you think?" The crowd applauded loudly. "It's Friday night, and you all know what that means!" There was more applause and yelling from the crowd. "That's right, tonight is the night of the Championship fight! Will our standing Champ be thrown down, and the belt taken by a new victor? Or will the Champ come out of the fight triumphant? All will be decided with this final battle! Gents, if you'd clear the arena?" Several men, not one of them less than terribly muscular, came out of no where and removed not only the ropes, but the ring itself. Tseng couldn't see why they removed them, because the lights all went out.
"In this corner, the Champion of Champions, the Goddess of Glory, MISTRESS FILTHY LIPS!" A roar came from the crown as the spotlight went to the right side of the bar, and a woman came out from behind a curtain. She was clad in a sequenced bikini and wore a mask of the same color. Dark hair was pulled back in a pony tail and large, full breasts threatened to fall out of their small fabric prison. She held both arms above her head, holding a gold and silver belt for the audience to see.
It was Tifa. There was no mistaking her for anyone else. Tseng's eyes widened when he realized who it was walking to the center of the bar.
"Aaaaaaand in this corner, the Challenger! The Sweetheart of Pandemonium, BABY-DOLL CHAOS!" The spotlight went to the other side of the bar along with the roar and eyes of the crowd, and another woman walked out, wearing what could only be described as lingerie. Pink satin underwear that hardly deserved the name matched the baby-doll lingerie. The only part that wasn't sheer was covering her breasts, and the bottom edges were rimmed with matching pink ribbon. A mask of light pink fabric was on her face. She practically strutted down to where Tifa was standing.
This woman was Yuffie.
"Oh dear God, they're mud wrestling..." Tseng whispered to himself. He shivered and downed his beer in one go, taking another glass from the three abandoned ones on the table.
"LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMMMBLE!" The lights were now shining on a depression in the floor, filled with mud. It looked like a giant cup of hot chocolate without the marshmallows. Tifa handed the belt she carried to the man with the microphone and stepped in. Yuffie did as well, but she lunged at Tifa, catching her off guard and toppling both into the mud. "OHH, and Baby-Doll Chaos makes the first move! You've got to give her credit, folks, she's a lovely slip of a girl, but she's got some pepper in her! Mistress Filthy Lips didn't take kindly to that surprise attack. Not at all! LOOK AT THE HOLD SHE'S GOT BABY-DOLL CHAOS IN! That is such a pretty sight."
"Wait, wait...BABY-DOLL CHAOS has won free! WOW, look at the way she's moving! Completely dominating the ring tonight, folks!" Tseng finished the beer in his hand and went on to another one. "This is one hell of a match tonight! And Mistress Filthy Lips is down! Oh, but she slips out of the way and Baby-Doll Chaos is sprawled out. She's got Baby-Doll in a hold and- OH MY STARS! HERE COMES MISS BLONDZILLA!"
Tseng turned to see another woman jump into the mud pit, this one dressed in a bright green bustier with black trim and laces. The boyshorts she wore with it were also green, with black lace trim. Elena's blond hair was shining in the spotlight as she approached the other two women.
"MISS BLONDZILLA IS ATTACKING MISTRESS FILTHY LIPS! SHE HAS HER IN AN ARM LOCK! I guess Miss Blondzilla didn't take her defeat last week lightly at the hands of Mistress Filthy Lips too good. Baby-Doll Chaos is up and tackling the Champ, taking Miss Blondzilla down too. OH BUT MISS BLONDZILLA IS HOLDING ON! SHE'S HELPING BABY-DOLL CHAOS PIN MISTRESS FILTHY LIPS DOWN! Where's the referee at? I don't know if this is legal, but I'm not about to stop them!"
He was watching three beautiful women squirm around and slid their hands all over each other in mud. Three beautiful women he knew personally, two of which were taken and the third always flirting dangerously with him. He couldn't take his eyes off the ring, but he did notice the small figure creeping forward to get a better view. Tseng grabbed Cait Sith before he could get away and quickly turned the power switch off, all while watching the match.
"IS THIS THE END OF MISTRESS FILTHY LIPS' REIGN? OH AND THE REFEREE COUNTS THREE! BABY-DOLL CHAOS AND MISS BLONDZILLA ARE THE WINNERS! Have you ever seen such a match? I know I haven't! Look at Baby-Doll Chaos gloat at her victory with Miss Blondzilla!" Yuffie and Elena were giving each other a high-five while Tifa was standing up. "Mistress Filthy Lips put up a magnificent fight! Give her a hand!" A huge round of applause greeted the half-hearted bow Tifa made. "And for our winners, and new Champions, Baby-Doll Chaos and Miss Blondzilla!" Another round of applause, Tseng clapping and whistling along with them, greeted the two women holding the belt over their heads. All three women waved and blew kisses at the crowd before heading to the back of the bar and through another curtain.
"Well, folks, that was incredible. I feel sorry for you guys all the way in the back! I've never seen some of those positions before! Those ladies never disappoint us. Have a good night, folks, and come on back next week to see the new batch of girls try and fight their way up to the Championship match!"
By the time the girls came back to the table, Tseng had himself composed enough to look them in the eye without turned red. All three were wearing the outfits they came in. The only difference was that their hair was wet. Not even their make-up was smudged.
"Did we miss anything?"
"Oh, just me trying not to ruin my favorite khaki pants. I hope you'll forgive me for taking all of your drinks. I'll buy you another round." They laughed so hard at him that they cried. "By the way, did you fall in or something? That was an awfully long bathroom break."
"Would you believe there's only one stall?" Elena said with exasperation.
"And one mirror?" Tifa said in the same tone. "How can they think women can make due with ONLY one stall and mirror?"
"I'd write a letter of complaint to the owner, demanding there be more stalls and mirrors, if I thought it would work." Yuffie took the remainder of the drink Tseng had and drank it. "You sure you can drive after four beers, Tseng?"
"Give me some credit. It takes at least six to get me well and truly buzzed." Tseng bought them the promised round of drinks, then they left. He was thankful to be out of the loud, smoky atmosphere. "I take it you go there often."
"Yeah! It's a whole lot of fun." Yuffie replied as they were driving back to Tifa's bar. "But, what are you doing with Cait Sith, Tseng?" He had taken the cat with him as they left.
"Oh, I imagine he was trying to find out what was going on tonight for Reeve and the others. I turned him off before he got a good look at you in the ring." They all laughed. "I suppose I'll return him in the morning, but not before uploading some pictures of natural male models into his system."
"Natural male models? What are they?" Elena asked.
"Uncircumcised men posing nude outdoors. And before you ask, Rufus sent me a link to a website with them. I no longer innocently click on anything he IMs me."
"Why would he send you stuff like that, Tseng?" He knew all three were looking at him curiously. Elena was just the only one to ask.
"He's convinced that I'll turn bi-sexual if I'm introduced to it enough. I am SO glad you introduced Rufus to Sieji, Yuffie." Yuffie giggled.
"Yeah, well, Sieji was giving you looks too. I showed him a picture of you, and I think he almost creamed his pants." Tseng rubbed his temple with one hand. He still had to drive, after all, else he would have used both hands. "Oh, come on, Tseng! You're hot stuff."
"Yep!" Tifa said from the backseat. Yuffie was up front with him while Elena and Tifa were in the back. They always managed to get Yuffie nearest him where ever they went. "You'd have to be for Yuffie to stay this obsessed with you."
"HEY! I am NOT obsessed!" Yuffie was bright red and turning in her seat to glare at her friends in the back.
"Oh, right, like you don't lay awake at night imagining him kissing his way up your thighs."
"That's a fun thing to imagine! But you don't have to go telling him that!" Yuffie said, still red-faced.
"Yuffie, please turn around." She looked at him, ears turning as red as the rest of her face. "And I will agree that is a fun thing to imagine. Although I would enjoy actually doing so more than imagining it." He was vaguely sure all of their jaws dropped at the same moment. "Was it something I said?"
"Tseng, you're awesome." Tifa said from the backseat.
"I've always thought so."
"So modest, too." Yuffie said, holding Cait Sith in her lap like a doll. She was smoothing its fur while sneaking a glance at him. Tseng saw her smile before looking away again.
"Am I taking the lot of you home, or are we going somewhere else?"
"Nah. I have to take care of the kids in the morning. Marlene can't do it alone." Tifa said. Elena was nodding.
"And I'm meeting Rude for breakfast."
"I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" The question was directed at him. He nodded. "YAY! Let's go to the diner before taking me home. Although, I'm almost scared to come home and find Rufus and Sieji there, having escaped from Reno and Rude."
"You could always stay the night with Tseng." Tifa sounded serious about the suggestion.
"She might not like that too much." He said.
"Oh!" Elena gasped, covering her mouth with one hand. He could see some of what they did in the rear view mirror. "I forgot about Charlotte."
"Who's Charlotte?" Yuffie was now angrily pouting at him, if such a thing was possible.
"Jealous, Yuffie?" Tifa teased, poking Yuffie's arm.
"Maybe. Who's Charlotte?"
"My pet tarantula."
"You keep a SPIDER as a PET!" Yuffie shrieked.
"Yes, and please don't yell in such an enclosed space. She's actually soft and furry, Yuffie. You might like her."
"Spiders are not soft and furry! They're creepy and gross and, and...GAWD what's wrong with you, keeping a spider as a pet!"
"She lives in a terrarium. It's not as though she runs around the apartment with a bell collar." This comment seemed to calm her down.
"Well, I'm still hungry." This seemed to be an apology of sorts, so Tseng took it as one.
"I hope you like diner food, because there are no other eating establishments open this late."
"I do!"
Tifa and Elena were dropped of at their respective homes, and Tseng and Yuffie found their way to an all night diner. He watched her eat a burger that looked larger than her stomach with wonder, and then had to watch his fries to keep Yuffie from eating them. She had finished all of hers already.
"If you're not full, which I can't imagine to be true, you should order more fries."
"I'm not hungry enough to eat another order." She was chewing another of his fries and reaching for more. He snatched his plate away from her. "HEY!"
"I believe these are mine."
"I don't see you eating them!" He still did not return the plate, so she got up and sat next to him in the booth they were sharing. Tseng scooted the plate to the very end of the table, just out of Yuffie's reach. "Tseng, if you don't give me those fries I'll never kiss you again."
"Now, that is cruel, Yuffie." He pulled the plate back to where she could reach it. Yuffie happily sat down next to him, eating his fries. She looked over at him with a smile, a fry half way to her mouth. "Have as many as you want."
"I will, thanks." She paused to chew. "Hey, Tseng?"
"Did you have fun tonight?"
"Absolutely. I'll be taking a very cold shower when I get home."
"Why not take a hot one?"
"That would do nothing to alleviate the raging testosterone in my system." Tseng was watching her eat, noticing how she took delicate bites now instead of wolfing down her food as she had with her burger.
"Oh." Yuffie blushed slightly. "Why not jerk off and get it over with that way?"
"Because that's not what I want."
"Um, should I ask what you do want?"
"I want you, but I also like you a great deal. I would hate to have any awkwardness between us for one night's worth of amazing sex."
"Does it have to be...just one night, Tseng?" She looked up at him with eyes so large she could have been a deer caught in headlights. "Is that all you would want?"
"God no. I would love to spend many nights, and days, with you. Starting with tonight, but as I said, I'll be taking a cold shower when I get home."
"Why not take a hot shower with me?"
"I'd like that. I hope you won't mind Charlotte too much."
"So long as she's not in your bedroom." Yuffie stood up, leaving several fries on the plate, and extended her hand for him to take. "Let's go." Tseng stopped to pay the bill, then walked outside holding her hand.
"You know you could just let me take a shower and then we could watch a movie." They were almost to his apartment, stopped at a red light. Yuffie didn't answer. She unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed over the seats to straddle him in his. Her shoes were off, he noticed, but didn't notice anything else other than the kiss she was giving him. She went back to her seat just as the light changed to green. "Or not. I like your idea better the more I think about it."
"You should think with the head in your pants more than the one on your shoulders when it comes to me."
"I would enjoy a movie with you."
"And be hard the whole time?"
"You're worth the discomfort, Yuffie."
"Awww! If you weren't already going to bed with me, you'd get laid just for saying that."
AWWWW! Gawd, I love Tseng. He's almost as much fun as Reeve. XD
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