So, time for another update. This is why I love break. I can sit at home and write for hours. Who cares if that makes me a lazy bum? I rather enjoy being a lazy bum, thank you very much. Anyway, yes. Updating. Now, because many people have commented on Derek and the baby (Why doesn't he know yet? When will he know? Is she going to tell him? And so on…) I figured I will talk about that. I don't want to give away the exact chapter and like…paragraph number in which he finds out, because…seriously, a girl likes to have a little bit of excitement and suspense involved with her story. However, rest assured (unless it's what you were hoping for, in which case…sorry) it will not be this long nine month thing before Derek finds out. I would go crazy writing that. I want Derek to find out. I can't wait for him to find out. He will react…hmmm, not saying how he will react be it good or bad. But, umm…he will react. And actually, he will find out soonish… My sources say at some point within the next three chapters… And that is all I'm saying on that. Tralalalalala…

Now, for the chapter. This starts two days after the previous one. And, it starts with Derek. You know, to mix things up a bit. Alright, shutting up now. Here we go!

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Sixteen days.

The number stuck in Derek's head; a heavy weight that he couldn't seem to forget. Sixteen days. It had been sixteen days since he had had anything resembling a normal conversation with Meredith. Sixteen days since she had smiled at him, had said hello, had offered him any sort of acknowledgement beyond the bare bones greetings required by work. Derek supposed that he shouldn't care. It shouldn't bother him. He shouldn't need to see Meredith every day. They weren't together anymore, so he should be perfectly fine just letting her get on with her life. And then, he could be perfectly fine just getting on with his. Only…things didn't seem to be working out so easily because there he was, searching the halls of the hospital in the pale early morning light, when he technically could still be at home "enjoying" breakfast (it really did belong in air quotes) with his wife.

At last, Derek found who he'd been looking for. He smiled and, after taking a self congratulatory sip of coffee, headed over to the nurses' station. "Dr. Bailey," he called out cheerfully, prompting the shorter woman to turn around and look up at him.

Her expression was instantly skeptical. "What?"

"Well good morning to you too," continued Derek, setting down his coffee and leaning against the counter. "Just thought I'd stop by and see how my favorite resident is doing this morning." He grinned down at her hopefully, but her expression simply darkened.

"Right," she snorted. "It's five am. Your favorite resident," she continued, placing a disapproving yet amused emphasis on the words, "…was up all night with a very critical patient. Your favorite resident is cranky."

"Oh…" interjected Derek, his eyes widening slightly. "Yes. Sorry about that." Bailey just snorted again, shaking her head.

"You want something, and I don't have all day. So, out with it. What are you after?"

"Um," said Derek quietly, momentarily puzzled by just how quickly Bailey had determined the purpose of his mission. He frowned, not quite sure why he felt suddenly guilty. "I want to request an intern."

Bailey just narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm sure you do."

"I just…"

"Well, who do you want?" continued Bailey, cutting him off. "Stevens? Yang? O'Malley?" She folded her arms over her chest, the corners of her mouth playing up into a smirk. "Maybe Karev?" Derek frowned as Bailey ran down the list of every intern except for her. He knew she was doing it on purpose. The look on her face was one that he was growing rather used to. It didn't come just from Bailey, but from the other interns as well. It was annoyance and disbelief mingled with a warning that clearly stated that he would be better off just leaving Meredith alone. And in a way, Derek knew that they were right. But it was in a quiet subdued way that he had a hard time listening to. Actually, he was pretty sure he would have a hard time staying completely away from Meredith unless she spelled it out for him. Loudly. And while glaring at him; her lower lip jutting out and her eyes sparking indignantly. (Besides, he found her to be ridiculously hot when angry, so…) Even then…he wasn't sure how much he would actually listen. He was pretty sure that he'd still find a way back to the nurses' station, the request for her once again just slipping easily past his better judgment.

And so Derek smiled, and ignored the scowl Bailey was shooting him. "No. Dr. Grey actually," he replied, doing his best to be casual and offhanded about it.

"Oh you want Grey?" The question sounded simply curious, but it was filled with layers and layers of implications that weren't lost on Derek. He cocked his head to the side, a grin spreading across his face at the mention of wanting Meredith. He couldn't help it. Just the thought of her made him happy, even if it came hand in hand with getting glowered at by her resident.

Derek cleared his throat and nodded, the grin still lingering on his face. "Well yes, you see…I'm an attending," he said, sounding just a little bit pleased with himself. "And I want an intern."

"No, you want Grey," countered Bailey, failing to look even slightly amused. "Just how is working with you going to help my intern?"

Derek gaped down at her, his mouth hanging slightly open. Bailey was always difficult, but it seemed to him that she was setting a new record today. "Because…this is a good case," he stammered, slowly pulling together his explanation. "She's only been on two neuro cases in three weeks, and she's great at neuro. Mer…umm, Dr. Grey would learn a lot." Derek frowned and ran a hand through his hair. He took a thoughtful sip of his coffee, his usual confident smirk returning to play across his face. "Wait…why are you making me explain this?" he asked, his tone light and teasing. "I'm your boss, remember?"

"So I've heard," muttered Bailey, turning back to the chart in her hands. Derek's face fell, and he watched her uncertainly. She didn't lift her gaze from the chart, simply pulled out a pen and scribbled a few notes.

"Miranda please," said Derek, leaning forward. "She would really love this case." He was half surprised to find himself begging, but the truth was, he knew she would love the case. He wasn't completely sure that Meredith would be thrilled to be working with him, since she had gone out of her way to treat him with what seemed to amount to cold indifference at best over the past few weeks. But he knew in his gut that, as soon as Meredith flipped open the chart, her eyes would light up the way they used to around him. And in the moment, that was all that mattered.

Bailey sighed and shook her head. "You will not make eyes at my intern. You will be professional. You will not put so much as one toe out of line. And if that girl comes back looking even slightly more miserable than normal, there will be hell to pay. Understood?"

Derek nodded, trying to process everything Bailey had just said to him. "Wait…you're assigning her to me?" he asked incredulously. "Seriously?" His face split instantly into a grin.

"Yes, I'm assigning her to you," echoed Bailey dully. "Because, despite that hair, you are my boss."

"Bailey, you're a wonderful woman." Derek took another swig of his coffee, but paused mid drink, his eyes darkening from rapidly from blue to navy. He set the coffee back down, and ran a hand through his hair, highlighting the confusion that was evident in his features. "Hold on," he said seriously. "What was that part about her looking miserable?"

Bailey just shook her head and gathered up her things. A small sad smile flickered across her face. "Boy…you're so damn stupid sometimes." And with that she turned and walked down the hall, leaving Derek alone.

He lingered there at the nurses' station, doing his best to concentrate on some paperwork, but his thoughts kept drifting back to what Bailey had said. As far as he was concerned, Meredith looked beautiful. She always looked beautiful. She simply was beautiful. It wasn't that he had completely indiscriminative taste in women. He could tell when Addison was slightly out of it, and when she was her usual flawless self. He could pick up on the heavy exhaustion in the interns coming off call versus those coming into work. It was simply that, no matter how tired or angry or distracted Meredith looked, Derek always thought she looked beautiful. Perfect, even. Sometimes he found himself wishing Addison looked a little bit more like her, and Addison was stunning in her own right, with the sort of body that tended to make men stop and stare. (Derek knew he would've gone insane with jealousy some time in the past eleven years if he were the sort of man who got jealous over little things like that. But he wasn't. He really only got upset when other men slept with his wife, and he figured that he was justified there.) Still, the point was, Meredith always looked beautiful to him. Not miserable.

But, if he really thought about it, there had been moments lately when he had caught Meredith staring at him with something in her eyes that chilled him. He wasn't sure what it was, but it was something empty, overwhelmed…horrified even. It never lasted long, and whenever she realized he had noticed her staring, the strange light would flicker away and be replaced by the makings of a taciturn smile. It was always brief, barely more than an instant, and he hadn't given it much thought. He didn't want to consider the possibility that it was his fault she could look so scarred. Still, the thought was plaguing him now, keeping him distracted enough that he didn't even notice her approaching half an hour later.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith's voice broke easily into his thoughts, and he straightened up to look at her.

"Dr. Grey," he answered, smiling easily at her. She looked normal, her hair falling loose over her shoulders and a bright red shirt peeping out from beneath her scrubs. Still, Derek found himself scanning her face intently, searching for any trace of the misery Bailey had mentioned earlier. All he uncovered was a skeptical frown as Meredith raised an eyebrow at him.

"You requested me," she said, placing a peculiar emphasis on the word. Derek couldn't tell if she was angry or just annoyed, but at least she was speaking to him, not treating him like a blank wall.

"I did," he agreed.

Meredith sighed and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. "Alright. Well…" She held out an expectant hand for the patient's chart. Derek kept it tucked firmly under his arm, his attention returning to studying the depths of her eyes. He was staring at her intently, and Meredith shifted slightly, folding her arms protectively beneath her chest. "Umm…" she mumbled softly, the steel glint in her eyes fading away to be replaced by something raw and conflicted. Her mouth was slightly parted, her expression questioning and uncertain, and Derek thought he picked up on just what Bailey had been referencing.

"How've you been?" he asked quietly, unable to pull away from her gaze. However, the sound of his words had an instantaneous effect on Meredith, jarring her from whatever vulnerable place it was she'd drifted to.

She sounded cross and slightly embarrassed as she answered him. "Fine. I'm fine."

"Fine-fine or Meredith-fine? I know there's a difference," he said with a grin, the words just coming out before he had the chance to check them.

Meredith's eyes flashed instantly. "I'm fine Derek. Period." Her voice sounded sharper than she had intended, and she regretted it as soon as she saw the change it wrought in his expression. She didn't understand the need she seemed to have to be so short with him. All she knew was that her heart felt twisted from the fact that she hadn't told Derek that she was keeping her baby, or that she was even pregnant to begin with. She felt like one big walking secret, and the knot of guilt that created in her stomach came out easiest as anger or indifference. When she gave in to his tendency to speak to her as if she were someone special, it just seemed that much worse to not have told him yet.

"I was just worried…" began Derek hesitantly.

Meredith sighed, her expression softening a little. "I'm fine Derek. Seriously." He nodded, still searching her face, not quite believing her. "Now, did you have anything you wanted me to do?" she continued, once again holding her hand out. Derek gave in this time, not wanting to push her further. He passed the chart to her.

"Surgery's at one," he said, waiting eagerly for her reaction. He didn't have to wait long. Meredith skimmed over the chart before looking back up at him, a gasp of excitement escaping from her. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes, blinking up at Derek.

"Seriously?" she asked. "A corpus callosotomy?"

"Seriously," grinned Derek.

"Wait…I'm actually scrubbing in on a split brain surgery? You're actually…" Meredith found herself stammering, forgetting just about everything else as she eagerly returned to scanning the chart.

"Yes, you're scrubbing in," agreed Derek, feeling suddenly as if he didn't have a care in the world. Meredith was walking, no…nearly skipping, along beside him, firing question after inquisitive question at him, her voice animated and her eyes wide with wonder and excitement. He knew it would be cheap and short-lived, that the luster in her eyes would eventually fade away as surely as post-surgery adrenaline. He would go home to Addison and to trying, and that would feel even duller than usual when compared to how utterly alive he felt right now. Meredith wouldn't be his, and she would go back to watching him with wary eyes. But right now, Derek couldn't quite bring himself to give a damn.

Because the way she was right now? That was his Meredith. The one who had saved him in Seattle. And he didn't know how to let that go.

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Meredith didn't let herself think about anything other than work until she had made it through the whirlwind of quickly prepping for, and actually assisting Derek, in surgery. But now, she was leaning against the railing of the bridge as she went over post-op notes with him. Honestly, attendings didn't have to bother with the dull, nearly administrative task of writing post-op notes. But there Derek was, leaning next to her on the railing, going over the finer points of severing the corpus callosum again for her as she scribbled away on the patient's chart.

"Seriously," breathed Meredith, finally straightening up and pushing the hair out of her eyes. "That was amazing."

Derek nodded his head. "I know. That's why I wanted you to see it." Beneath his usual cocky grin, Meredith thought she picked up on a thread of something far more earnest and serious.

"Well…thanks." She turned back to her post op notes, not exactly sure how to bridge the gap back to speaking normally after over two weeks of silence. She wasn't even sure it was a good idea to start talking like friends…or whatever it was they had shifted over to during the course of the day. Friends, ex lovers, simply coworkers…all the lines were blurred between her and Derek. Father of my child, she reminded herself forcibly, but her body refused to listen to her mind, and it kept her attention focused on yet again going over the now completed post-op notes.

"Meredith…" continued Derek cautiously, breaking the silence that Meredith couldn't bring herself to end. She nodded her head, but didn't look up. "You're good at this stuff…at neuro, I mean." Meredith nodded again, amazed at the sudden hesitancy that was filling Derek's voice. "I wouldn't want you to avoid it because of…" He shrugged helplessly, raising a hand to emphasize the space between them. "The way things are with us," he concluded quietly, and Meredith looked up against her will. Derek's blue eyes seemed unusually vulnerable, and there was a low tremor in his voice that was so completely not-Derek that Meredith was forced to realize that (in some small way) he had become just as broken and conflicted as she had.

"I wouldn't," she said quietly, her voice nearly a whisper.

"Good." Derek sounded instantly relieved, and he turned quickly to look at her, a sheepish grin flashing across his face. "So, what've you been up to?" he continued, apparently eager to change the subject.

Meredith just blinked at him in disbelief. "Huh?"

"What have you been up to?" he repeated. "Done anything interesting lately? Roommates still driving you crazy?"

"Derek, what are you doing?"

"Talking to you. We can still talk, right?" he asked hopefully. He leaned forward, running a hand through his hair as he looked at Meredith, his eyes filled with an intense warm smile that sent a shiver running down the length of her spine.

"What could we possibly have to talk about?" she muttered, ignoring her own very obvious answer to the question.

"Anything. Everything. Go ahead, ask me anything you want." Derek grinned, sounding very much like a little boy boasting to her to go ahead and dare him, dare him to do anything that she wanted. She shook her head, halfway to telling him that he was crazy, before her mind caught on a key word and wouldn't let go.

"Anything?" she murmured, her voice soft and as hesitant as his had been earlier.

"Anything," agreed Derek enthusiastically, thoroughly amazed that Meredith had yet to shut him out completely.

"Anything…" she echoed again. She couldn't bring herself to deny that she was pregnant anymore, not after shredding the card to the clinic into pieces. That had been a decision. That had been a step out of denial and into reality. Still, Meredith didn't quite know how to address the issue…especially not with Derek. And so she found herself doing what seemed to be the next best thing. She turned back to Derek, her voice deathly quiet. "How come you and Addison have never had kids?"

Derek's eyes darkened instantly, shifting from clear blue to a stormy indigo. It wasn't so much anger that was clouding his expression as it was just the contrast of turning away from his previous grin towards something much more serious. Still, Meredith heard her breath hitch, and her fingernails dug reflexively into the tender skin of her palms.

"I don't know," muttered Derek, shaking his head. "We've talked about it a few times…pretty seriously once when we'd both finished our residencies." He shrugged and looked back at Meredith who was watching him intently, her eyes wide and solemn. "It just never seemed like the right time."

"Never seemed like the right time?" she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. "In eleven years Derek? There was never a right time in eleven years?"

"Yeah…weird right?" he said, the corner of his mouth twisting up into a sad semblance of a smile. Meredith just nodded mutely. Never a right time… As if an intern pregnant in the first, crucial, hellish year of a surgical internship thanks to her married ex boyfriend constituted anything close to a right time. She swallowed hard, reaching up and fidgeting with a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail. "Meredith?" asked Derek, his eyes boring into hers, trying to sift through and find just what was turning her so somber.

She shook her head and smiled vaguely. "Yeah. Weird. That's weird."

Derek buried his face in the palm of his hands, sighing as he rubbed his eyes. "Yeah," he agreed as he glanced up again. "And now…after Mark and everything, we…" Derek trailed off as their eyes locked, and they both seemed to simultaneously recognize the reference to sex with someone other than each other implicit in what they were saying. Meredith flushed slightly, turning away, and Derek cleared his throat. "I wouldn't want a…it's just highly unlikely," he muttered, his voice coming out dangerously close to brusque.

"Right," said Meredith quietly. The two of them stared at each other, both with a hundred things they wanted to say lurking just behind the doors to their lips. Only, the doors stayed closed, and they kept staring at each other as the silence twisted into something powerful in its own right. At last, Derek smiled sadly and Meredith shook her head, clutching her post-op notes protectively against her chest. "I should get these back in," she mumbled, gesturing down at them.

For a single second, Meredith thought Derek was about to protest, and (though she hated to admit it) the possibility filled her heart with a sudden lightness. But then he was nodding in agreement, already turning to check something on his BlackBerry. "Okay," he said, looking up to shoot her a brief smile.

And then, Meredith swore she felt her heart deflate. "Right," she repeated as she turned to go. "Thanks…" She hurried across the bridge, her gaze trained on the ground before her feet, doing her best to forget how quickly her surgical rush had been turned into something empty and cold.

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So yes…what have I to say about that… First of all, Derek misses Meredith. He misses her so much that he knows exactly how many days it's been since he last had any sort of actual conversation with her. And he's stuck in his marriage, not quite sure why he's trying, or even wanting to try, but still convinced that trying is what he is supposed to be doing. Still…he misses Mer. He goes out of his way to get her in on a surgery he knows she'll find cool. He wants to make sure she's okay, to have the chance to talk to her again, to simply be near her…even if it's not the healthy ideal thing to be doing. And because of that, he ends up breaking down the wall Meredith built up over the past two weeks due to her freaking out. He gets her to talk to him again, actually talk to him, in a way she hasn't in a long time. And that? It's a start.

As for Meredith…she's coping. She wants to tell Derek she's pregnant, but she just can't find the words. He's being friendly and happy to see her, which makes her feel in turns both guilty and somewhat at ease…leading her to ask about why he never had kids. Because well…she wants to know. The why of that is hopefully fairly obvious. And she gets an answer that is completely unguarded, but it's not exactly what she wanted to hear. Still…his reply was very much in terms of having children with Addison, as that was Meredith's question. But, in her mind, all the lines are blurred and everything is blended together.

And wow…I've analyzed myself enough. If you actually read that, do accept my thanks for listening to me ramble. And of course, my thanks to all how review. It means lots to me!

P.S. - Since this story gave me the idea, figured I'd mention it here. I've come up with an idea for my fluffy little one-shot challenge. Actually, it's going to be a two-shot…two-parter? Double-shot? Anyway, it's called Upon a Midnight Clear. And, surprise of all surprises, it's Christmas-y. Gee, never would've guessed that from the title. The first half should be up right after I post this, and chapter six to this should be up in maybe two days or so…

That's it. Seriously. I swear I'm done rambling now.