Okay, time for another update. (Insert obligatory ramblings about just how much I love winter break here.) So yeah, last chapter was rather filled with angst and sadness. I was very glad to hear people enjoyed the time spent with Mer and Der's thoughts. Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. I was looking over my (admittedly messy) outline for this story, and I'd say this chapter puts us at roughly the halfway point. So woo! Also, this chapter is really rather long. L-O-N-G. It's only one scene, but it's a long scene. You know, because Mer and Der finally get to finish their whole conversation, and they have a lot to say. So, I'm sorry about the excessive length. I tried to keep it somewhere within the realm of reasonable lengths--sorry if this is pushing it. Anyway, enjoy!

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Another soldier says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
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Meredith had spent the night wide awake, staring into the darkness, trying to come to some sort of conclusion about how she felt. It was an odd feeling, to search her own soul, to measure her own strength…and to try to do so objectively. She wasn't used to such careful self scrutiny, and it left her feeling raw and naked in a way she wasn't used to, and didn't particularly like. Still, the endless hours of thought eventually got her away from the mess she had been in the rain, helping her make up her mind. It served to bring her back to some semblance of herself, at least a version of Meredith that could still function. However, she was filled with a cold heavy feeling--hating and dreading what she had decided. That morning she found herself eternally grateful for the eighty hour work limit, and the small benefit it granted her of arriving at the hospital late and missing rounds.

She desperately wanted to avoid the awkwardness of first seeing Derek in a room full of people, of having that moment polluted by the presence of patients and Bailey and her own friends. He had called her the night before, and, with a trembling hand, she had simply silenced the ringer. They needed to talk. Meredith knew that, just as she knew they deserved privacy, a moment away from the rest of the hospital to say what needed to be said. Still, Meredith couldn't bring herself to go find Derek. And when her pager went off after just an hour at work, summoning her to Derek's office, it filled her with a cold dread that left her pale and close to shaking.

Still, Meredith made her way towards his office, only dragging her feet slightly. It was a dimly lit, windowless space, completely the opposite of the glass office of the Chief. Back when they had first started dating, Meredith had loved Derek's office. It was completely private, far more secluded than the on call rooms. It had been their favorite place to steal away to for sneaking in extra moments together on slower afternoons. She hadn't been in his office since they had broken up, and her last memory of that place involved her pressed up against the closed door--Derek's hands tangled in her hair and skimming beneath her scrubs as they kissed lazily. She found herself hesitating as she neared the small room, doing her best to force her old memories from her mind. This time, the door wasn't closed. It rested ajar, and she knocked softly on it before pushing it open.

Derek was seated in the large reclining chair behind the desk, his head falling forward to rest in his hands. However, as soon as Meredith entered the room, he looked up. He was unshaven, the dark layer of stubble emphasizing the heavy shadows beneath his eyes. He looked exhausted, his hair more messy than usual, and with a well of worry evident in the blue of his eyes.

"Hey," he said quietly, standing up and moving around from behind the desk.

Meredith just nodded, closing the door before answering. "Hey…"

"You came," he continued, a clear note of relief evident in his voice. She nodded again, glancing up to meet Derek's eyes, a shy uncertain smile flickering across her face. They stared at each other from opposite ends of the small room, as if both afraid to speak first. Neither moved until Derek finally cleared his throat. "I wasn't sure if you would…" he continued with a shrug. "You never came back yesterday." Meredith shifted uncomfortably, but nodded her head again. "I paged you, and I tried calling you too. You just disappeared." His words were more wounded than angry, with a sadness to them that was unusual.

"I know. I'm sorry," began Meredith, licking her lips as she eyed him cautiously. "It's just…" she gestured aimlessly, shaking her head. "I was a wreck Derek. I needed to think. I mean, we had sex." She hissed the words, her eyes widening as if she still couldn't quite believe what had happened in the on call room

Derek grinned, shaking his head. "Actually, we didn't technically have sex. We…"

His amusement just irritated her, causing her to cut him off abruptly. "Fine," she continued. "We almost had sex. Technically. Whatever…" She trailed off, frowning down at the floor.

"Mer, it's just…"

Her head snapped back up immediately. "Look, I was freaking out. Seriously. Freaking. Out. Ask Cristina if you don't believe me." She folded her arms protectively in front of her, her posture turning completely defensive. "I'm sorry, now can we please just drop it already?" The memory of gasping and struggling not to cry in the pouring rain was not exactly comforting, and she wanted nothing more than to forget about it in its entirety. Derek seemed to pick up on her obvious discomfort, because he nodded his head.

"Sure," he said, his voice low and soothing. "We can drop it."

"Thanks…" Meredith's voice was a grateful whisper, and as it faded away, they once again fell into silence. She resumed studying the dark patterns woven in the carpeting, trying to ignore the feel of Derek's eyes boring into her. It was a constant unnerving pressure, making her skin tingle, and the silence feel as if it were stretching and spiraling on for ever. But finally, his voice once again broke through the hushed room.

"So…"

She turned to look at him, nodding slightly, almost imperceptibly. "So…" she echoed quietly.

"So you're pregnant," he continued, awe filling his voice as surely as it had the night before.

"Yeah. I am." Meredith looked awkwardly up at Derek, watching as his face split into a wide delighted grin, his gaze slowly trailing over the length of her body.

"You're really pregnant," he repeated, and Meredith just nodded again, a confused frown traveling across her own face. "And you're okay, right?" continued Derek, his smile lessening slightly to be replaced by a look of concern. He stepped closer to her, head cocked to the side, and lips pursed. "Do you need to sit down, or eat…or anything?"

Meredith just shook her head, smiling at the sudden, unnecessary anxiety in the man who was usually nothing but a calm and collected doctor. "No. I'm good Derek."

"Okay," he agreed. A combination of relief and embarrassment filled his voice, coaxing an even brighter smile from Meredith. With a sheepish grin, he continued in the same vein. "So you're okay? The baby's okay? Everything's fine?" Meredith sunk down into the small couch wedged into Derek's office. It was crowded with messy stacks of paperwork and a spare lab coat, leaving not much room to sit. Still, it was warm and comfortable, and reminded her of him. Meredith curled up into the remaining empty space, her eyes growing quiet and thoughtful as she nodded.

"I assume so," she said slowly. "God, I hope so." She reached down, fidgeting with her watchband in an unthinking nervous gesture, her voice suddenly anxious. "I have my first doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"First?" echoed Derek, his eyes widening in surprise. "You've got to be what? Over two months pregnant…and you still haven't seen a doctor?"

Meredith just shrugged. "No…" She glanced down at her hands, but Derek was still staring at her incredulously, nearly demanding further explanation. "I was…it's…" She tensed slightly, once again shrugging her shoulders. "It's complicated Derek. And when I found out, I was scared." Meredith shook her head sharply, her eyes beginning to mist over. She turned away from Derek to stare at the wall, her voice growing incredibly tentative. "I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't know what I was going to do." Somehow her earlier uncertainty came slipping out. It was more than she'd thought she would admit to him. She wanted to keep her eyes trained on her hands, to simply ignore him in favor of playing with her watchband like some reluctant, petulant child. But things couldn't be that way between them. She knew that, and so she forced herself to look back up at Derek, instinctively searching his eyes for any trace of anger or accusation.

Only she found nothing there. Just concern. "Okay Mer," he said gently, their eyes ones again locking. In that moment of silence, the atmosphere of the room changed, and they began to circle closer and closer to the heart of what they needed to talk about. Meredith shivered, her stomach clenching uneasily, filling her with an old familiar desire to avoid for as long as possible.

"Besides, I'm an intern," she continued with an awkward laugh, pulling away from Derek slightly as the sound of her voice shattered the silence. She was speaking quickly, nervously. "I mean seriously, it's impossible to get an appointment with my schedule. I'm going to be using my only day off in the past two weeks to sit for hours and hours in a waiting room."

Derek frowned at her, looking genuinely puzzled. "You don't have to wait. Just go up to OB/GYN when you have a spare minute, and corner one of the doctors. You work here." Meredith shifted uneasily, her hand drifting from her watch to fidget with a loose strand of hair. He misinterpreted her expression, saying, "Or I'll corner one of them for you, if you want." He grinned at her, his blue eyes warm and happy, but Meredith shook her head.

"Umm, my doctor… I'm going to Mercy West, Derek."

"Wait…you're going all the way over there? Why?" Meredith just shrugged and looked away. "You can get everything you'd need here. No waiting, totally free," he continued helpfully. Derek tilted his head to the side, smiling at her, seeming more than a little bit proud of his suggestion.

"No." Her voice sounded strained--very thin and tense. "People talk here. All the time. And, they love to talk about me Derek." Meredith smiled wryly, shaking her head. "They'll find out soon enough…once I start looking like a walrus." She stifled a groan at the thought of what things would be like then.

"Meredith," interjected Derek. "Nobody's going to talk about you." His voice was full of wishful certainty, but she just scoffed.

"Seriously Derek? The pregnant dirty ex-mistress? Seriously?" Her eyes flashed an intense glowing green, filled with an irritated light, and Derek found himself rendered speechless. She was right. As much as he wanted to pretend they didn't, people talked about her. It was largely his fault that they did. Actually, he figured it was almost entirely his fault, and so he gave in and nodded his head. Meredith sighed heavily, her voice losing its edge and simply growing sad. "Besides, your wife works up there nearly all the time." Her words were followed with an anxious laugh, and she lowered her head down to rest against her knees, turning her face away from Derek. "And I really don't need her to know I'm the pregnant dirty ex-mistress right now."

Even with the back of her head to him, Meredith could sense the sudden dejection she inflicted with her words. It settled heavily around Derek; a strange sort of cloak that caused his shoulders to slump forward. He raised a hand, pinching the bridge of his nose before running his fingers back through his hair. That served to make the messy strands even wilder, framing his tired eyes in a web of black. He took a slow deep breath, the sound more akin to a heavy sigh than anything else. "Meredith, about Addison…" he began, his voice soft and low. Meredith simply closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly shut, knowing that she couldn't pull away anymore. They had finally come to the core of what they needed to discuss.

"Mmm…" she managed, forcing the sound out past sealed lips.

She heard Derek stir, and rise from where he had been leaning against the edge of his desk. He crossed the small office, dumping his paperwork unceremoniously onto the floor to sit down next to Meredith. She tensed when she felt the couch shift beneath his weight, and kept her eyes deliberately closed.

"I've decided," he continued, his voice dropping to a quiet hush that accentuated the shaky sounds of their breathing. "I'm going to ask Addison for a divorce. Tonight, Mer. She won't say no." He paused, shaking his head, seeming to speak more to himself than Meredith for a moment, saying, "She can't refuse. Not if I tell her you're pregnant…she'll understand." He glanced over at Meredith, but she was still curled into a tight ball, her face turned away from him. "Mer," he said cautiously, reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder. The feel of his skin on hers caused her breath to draw past her teeth in a sharp hiss, and she had to fight the urge to shiver and just give in to his touch. "It'll be alright." Derek's voice was filled with a bottomless confidence that caused a tear to slip past her defenses. It trailed silently down her cheek, staining her scrubs. "Then we can be together for the baby."

Meredith felt cold, numb even. She was biting the inside of her lips so hard that she thought she could taste blood, and yet she felt nothing. Everything was just empty, filled with the cold dread she had found in the middle of the night. She had almost wished for the other response, a curt, "I'm sorry you're pregnant, but I love my wife." It would be heartbreaking, but at least then she could leave. The conversation would be done. Things would be simple. They would be painful and hard, but they would be simple. And far less hard than this.

"Meredith?"

The sound of Derek calling her name nudged her from her thoughts, and Meredith stirred against her will, lifting her head. His voice was kind, filled with gentle concern. She took a long rattling breath, the sound of it sounding haunted as it filled the room. Meredith gave an imperceptible shake of her head, squeezing her eyes shut with the effort of summoning every ounce of willpower she possessed.

"No." The word was quiet and heavy, and was followed by a long silence.

"No?" echoed Derek at last, his confusion painfully evident. "No…what?"

Meredith shook her head again, her nails digging tiny half-moons into the palms of her hands. "No," she repeated. Her words tumbled out in a thin and anxious rush. "You shouldn't leave Addison. Not like that." Derek didn't answer, and in the second long silence that followed, Meredith forced herself to open her eyes. Slowly, she turned her head towards him…slowly. The motion seemed endless, achingly labored, dragging on as long as the silence that had preceded it, until finally, their eyes locked. Derek's eyes had turned deep navy, darkened by disbelief. His mouth was hanging open slightly--his expression utterly lost and bewildered. And so, Meredith forced herself to keep going, to keep speaking. "You shouldn't…you shouldn't end things just for the baby. You can be there for it without…" She paused and cleared her throat, glancing up at the ceiling and blinking rapidly before returning her attention to Derek. "You don't need to leave her in order to be there for the baby. I would never keep you from your child." Her voice broke, and she stopped speaking to draw in another long and shaky breath. Derek was staring wordlessly at her, his eyes as intense as ever, and Meredith found she couldn't continue meeting them. It hurt too much. And so she turned her attention away, training it on the bare wall.

"Meredith, I…" began Derek. His voice was tight and constricted, as if struggling to control his emotions and produce something resembling a normal pitch.

Meredith just shook her head frantically. She pushed herself to her feet, walking away from the couch and towards the door. "No," she interrupted. "No…let me say this while I can." Her eyes drifted from the smooth surface of the wall, down to a pair of shoes resting in a corner of the room, to an old stack of medical journals, to anything other than the man sitting behind her. "I don't want you to come back because you feel obligated to. Because of the I'm pregnant thing." Her voice started to tremble again, and she took a deep gulp of air, her mind arguing with her body to stay calm. "I don't…" She quavered slightly, finally giving up and speaking through clenched teeth. The sound was sharp and pained, and she wasn't quite sure how she found the strength to keep speaking. "Derek, I don't want us to be together just because it seems like it would be the right thing to do."

The springs of the couch squeaked uneasily as Derek stood up and walked across the small office towards her. He reached out as if to touch her, but seemed to thing better of it, letting his arm drop back to hang limply at his side. "Meredith," he said, his voice low and earnest. "Mer, that's not it. I want to be with you." He smiled sadly, shaking his head. "I've always wanted to be with you. I just…I had to try and save my marriage. I owed Addison that much. But, I've always wanted you." He reached his hand out again, and this time it didn't waver and give up halfway. His fingers found her shoulder, skimming gently down the length of her arm. It was a soft faint touch, but it sent a shockwave through Meredith's body. "And now, you're having a baby," he continued quietly, his voice pleading with her to turn back around. "I should be with you and our baby."

And Meredith finally did turn around, but when she looked up at him, her eyes were aching and wounded. The usually clear pale green had grown stormy, and was glistening beneath a layer of unspilt tears. Her lips trembled before she even began speaking. "Derek, you can't make a decision like this in a day." She brushed a hand roughly against her cheek, shaking her head. "You're just reacting to what I've said. You're not… You're not…" She tried twice to finish her sentence, but she faltered on each attempt. Finally Meredith closed her eyes, turning her face from Derek, and simply rushed the words out before her heart could make her stop. "You're not thinking about what you'd be giving up if you left."

"But Mer, you're all I want." He tilted his head towards her, stepping closer, but Meredith shied away.

"I'm not all you want," she blurted out. Her voice was blunt despite its broken tone, and it built up a wall between them. "I wasn't enough for you Derek," she continued quietly, her voice shuddering. Meredith felt as if she were splintering from within, and she wanted nothing more than to just go ahead and believe him blindly. She wanted to fall back into his arms and leave it at that. But she had sworn to herself in the middle of the night that she wouldn't…not until she could believe him without the whispering doubts that still plagued the back of her mind. And so she swallowed the lump in her throat, and once again forced herself to speak. "I gave you everything I had. I gave you my whole heart, Derek. And it wasn't enough." Derek groaned, the sound coming out low and distressed, and it forced Meredith to once again look up into his eyes. They looked as raw as hers; a perfect mirror save for the change in color. Meredith pulled her arms tight around herself, hating the pain she saw. Seeing Derek in pain hurt her more than the first time she'd watched him leave work arm in arm with Addison. She broke away from his gaze, searching desperately for a way to make him understand her doubts.

"You wanted to save your marriage," she continued, her voice quiet and reluctant. "I understand why. Seriously, I get it. I mean, I hated it…" Meredith sounded rueful, and a sad flicker of a smile flashed across her face. "But I respect it. It was a big decision. You told me yourself it wasn't the sort of thing you could decide in a day." She shrugged, chancing a glance at Derek before quickly looking away again. "This is just as big Derek. All of a sudden I'm enough to give up your marriage for…when I wasn't before?"

Derek shook his head fiercely. "Of course you're enough. You're having my baby, and you're…you." His voice was a thousand strands of emotion woven together---disbelief and frustration, confusion and pain. "How is it not enough Meredith?"

"How?" she echoed quietly. Unconsciously, her hand reached down to press against her stomach. She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, and when she opened them again, her voice had changed. It was no longer faint and wavering, but filled with a stronger edge. "My family fell apart when I was five Derek. Five. When you're five, your family is your world." She hadn't wanted to bring her broken family into this. She hated looking into the past, but it was at the crux of what was bothering her. And somehow, it was far easier to say than all the rest. "I'm not going to let that happen again." Meredith pushed her bangs back out of her eyes, finally fixing her attention on Derek and holding his gaze. "I mean what…you're supposed to get a divorce and then everything just returns to normal? Like nothing ever happened? It doesn't work that way. This is real life, not a fairytale." Derek shook his head, running a hand through his own hair. He had simply been standing there, watching Meredith wordlessly, his eyes wide and conflicted as he listened to her. But now, he turned away. His frozen posture swung dramatically towards motion, and he began to pace back and forth in the small office. "We can't just play at happy," continued Meredith, her voice growing quiet. "And then a few years later you realize…" She trailed off, her speech once again turning shaky as she returned from her past to their present. "You realize you were just with me because it seemed like the right thing, and everything falls apart…because it won't just be for us this time." Meredith drew in a long uneven breath. She felt too exhausted to keep forcing herself to speak; it was a constant struggle to argue against every thing her body was screaming for.

The sudden stretch of silence pulled Derek from his pacing, and he turned around, his eyes steely as he stared at Meredith. "The right thing? Playing at happy? You think that's all this is to me?" He nearly spat her words back at her, his own pain coming out as something defensive and incensed. His hand clenched into a fist, slamming with a sick thud against the cold metal of a filing cabinet. The sound echoed loudly throughout the small room, and Meredith stepped back instinctively, her eyes wary as she watched him.

Derek didn't move for a long moment--his body caught in a wave of tension and anger that he was trying desperately not to direct at Meredith. He took an aching heavy breath, pinching the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb. Finally, he gained control of whatever had been gnawing at him, and he turned back towards Meredith. Only now his eyes were brimming with the tears he was holding back, and when Derek spoke, his voice broke in two. "Jesus Meredith, last night meant nothing to you?"

Meredith shook her head, and moved without thinking. She could comprehend nothing save for Derek's pain, and her own inability to keep herself from him any longer. Crossing the room in quick steps, she pressed her hands against his chest. "No," she whispered, bowing her head as she spoke. "That's not true." Her hands were racing up and over the curve of his shoulders, pulling him closer to her as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you as much as I always have." She was biting her lip in an effort to keep from crying, but the struggle was futile. Tears rolled in two silent trains down from her eyes, and though her voice didn't break, she felt as if her heart would.

"But Meredith," said Derek, bending his own head forward to press his lips against the top of her head. "I love…"

She jerked out from beneath him as if his words burned her. Her hand flew up to his mouth, fingers pressing against his lips, silencing him before he could finish speaking. "Don't…" Meredith's voice was a whisper, but her words filled Derek as clearly as if she had screamed at him. "Don't say it," she continued, shaking her head slightly. "I want to be able to believe you when you say it. To believe you completely."

"Meredith, please…" The sound was both rough and raw--stripped of everything he thought and imagined himself to be, leaving only what was purely him. "I do."

Derek's voice trembled in a way she never would have imagined possible, and Meredith thought she saw the tears that had been threatening him start to fall. But before she could be certain, her head was dipping back as Derek's lips found hers. Meredith moaned against him, and their hands clasped, clinging desperately to each other. Their lips moved with a painful slowness--their tongues searching out and savoring every corner of each others' mouths. It was as if their bodies were struggling to stretch out the kiss for as long as possible; to simply linger there joined together into infinity. But finally they broke apart, and Meredith shuffled back, uncertainty looming once again in her eyes.

"We can't do this," she whispered. "We can't."

Derek's lips twisted into a strangled semblance of a smile, as if to say okay, he wouldn't force her. It was a pained expression though, as ragged as his voice. "Why can't you believe me Mer?"

Meredith shook her head, her small shoulders shrugging helplessly. "I want to," she said. Her voice was filled with yearning, as if she were pleading with herself to find a way to just give in. "It's just…too much. Or too soon. Or something Derek. All I know is…" She trailed off, biting her lip.

He finished the sentence for her. "Is that you can't." Meredith nodded weakly. Derek sighed and raised his hand, caressing her cheek before moving to trail slowly, lovingly down the loose lengths of her wavy hair. "Okay. Tell me what you need me to do."

She nodded again, the curve of her cheek fitting into the palm of her hand. Her lips were back to trembling, and Meredith found that she once again had to close her eyes to speak. "Try and save your marriage," she said in a small voice. "Find out for certain where your heart is." She lifted her own hand to his cheek, her fingers soft against the rough stubble. "I want you to be sure." Her speech began to quicken, turning into a long ramble of information in an attempt to push the burnt and throbbing core of what she was asking as far away as possible. "It's still a few months until I'll be big enough for anyone to notice. And even longer until the baby's born. Nobody will even know." She shrugged, attempting a cheerful smile, but falling far short. It felt as if she were somehow stabbing herself with her own words. "You have plenty of time to make sure," she continued determinedly. "I mean, to try and stuff Derek. You know? Just like you would be doing if I hadn't told you."

Derek nearly growled in frustration, his hand falling away from her hair. "Then why did you tell me Meredith?" The change in his demeanor was instant, his eyes glinting with mingled irritation and anger as his voice rose slightly. "If you wanted me to just forget about it, why even tell me?"

Meredith looked taken aback. "I thought you deserved to know," she answered indignantly, her voice rising to match his as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I thought you would want to know."

He moved his head as if to nod in agreement, but ended up shaking it instead. When he spoke his voice sounded strained close to shouting. "But you're asking the impossible Meredith. I'm just supposed to pretend there's no baby? I'm just supposed to pretend I don't know? That's impossible!" Meredith recoiled from the anger directed at her, her whole body tensing up as she glared at him.

"Funny. You sure pretended you weren't married well enough to fool me." She spat out her words without thinking--her voice cold, and cutting through the friction between them as quickly as if she had slapped him. Derek took a staggering step back from her, his mouth dropping open to gape wordlessly at her. Meredith found herself regretting what she had said as soon as she looked up into his eyes, and saw the slow tortured devastation threaded there through the piercing indigo. His face fell, and she rushed to undo the hurt she had caused him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, closing the gap and pressing her hand against his chest. "I didn't mean that," she soothed. She shook her head, her fingers tracing over the embroidered name on the pocket of his lab coat. "I'm over the whole Addison thing now." Her words were kind and earnest, but they were empty. And neither of them were good enough liars to call her statement true.

"No you're not," said Derek hollowly. There was a resignation to his words that hadn't existed before. "If you were over it, you could believe me." Meredith looked away, staring down at the floor. She found herself hating what she had started, and hating herself for hurting him, despite the fact that he had betrayed her first. But Derek seemed to finally understand because he kept speaking, his voice filling with absolute comprehension. "You wouldn't doubt me."

Meredith just kept staring fixedly at her feet, unable to move until Derek's hand once again reached out. His fingers fitted easily beneath her chin, coaxing her to meet his gaze. For the first time since they had started this, Derek's eyes weren't filled with anger or betrayal or disbelief. They were simply brimming with a quiet sadness and the understanding Meredith had been searching for. She heard a voice speaking that sounded curiously like her own. "I wouldn't doubt you."

"But you do." It was no longer a question.

Meredith nodded, her eyes as sad as his. "I do."

"Okay," answered Derek. Her two words had decided everything--cementing his decision. "I'll do it Meredith." He spoke in a broken rush, and pulled her close to him, pressing his lips to her forehead. "But if you need anything, you promise you will come to me?" he said, his voice fiercely earnest against her ear. Meredith could only bring herself to nod. "Then I'll do what you asked."

Derek's words sent them pulling apart from each other. Meredith nodded her head again, the motion quickly growing to feel meaningless. "You'll try," she whispered, backing away towards the door. "Until you know for sure."

Their eyes locked in one last, painful instant. "I'll try."

She pushed the door open as Derek sunk down onto the couch. A moment later, she was on the other side, and it was closing again--forming a wall between them. Meredith staggered down the long hallway, her steps careless and uneven. She felt as if she were walking blind, barely making it into the bathroom before she burst into tears.

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So, I didn't want to write this chapter. Really didn't want to, to the point that I actually spent half of yesterday trying to come up with ways to just put them back together here and make them happy. But then, I'd have to change the whole plot of my story, and blah-de-blah, long story short…I decided I wanted this to happen. Still, it was very hard to write. When I called my story angst-tastic? This chapter was at the heart of the reason why. And trying to come up with a way to write a whole chapter filled with pain gets um…mentally painful? Or something. Yeah.

Anyway, I have some thoughts. (Feel free to skip ahead, this is just me rambling.) So Meredith…I know a lot of people think she's selfish because she can get wrapped up in her own drama a lot. But I think when it really comes down to it, she's one of the least selfish people on the show. (Um…hand on a bomb, anyone?) So yes, her selflessness is one of the main reasons behind what she's doing here. She was freaking out, and then thinking very hard. And, in the end, she came to the realization that she doesn't want Derek to end his marriage on an impulse. She wants him to be sure and not just rush from Addison to her because now she said she's pregnant. She doesn't want the obligations to a baby to be the only thing holding them together because she knows that won't last. (Personally, I think Mer is being a bit blindly idealistic here--unwilling to take a risk and put herself out there unless she's guaranteed that things will last. And at this point in time, there's nothing close to that sort of guarantee for her.) Her inability to want to take that risk comes largely from fears about having her childhood repeat itself and having a perfect family fall apart around her own child, and the realization that she has no trust in Derek after what happened plays a large part too. She's incapable of even believing him when he says he wants to leave Addison for her, or when he says that he loves her. She desperately wants to believe him and just fall back into his arms, but she has these doubts continually circling in her mind. So Mer sacrifices her own current happiness to make sure that Derek takes the time to really think about his decision. And it kills her to do it because she loves him and wants him, and pushing Derek away hurts him, and seeing him in pain is worse for her than being in pain herself. However, she thinks sending him away (and hoping desperately that he'll return) is the only way she can trust him completely again. And so in the end, that's what she does.

And Derek…yeah, poor Derek. He really does love Meredith. Now, granted Mer was right, and he was making his decision very quickly. But to him, there really wasn't much of a decision to make. He has always wanted Meredith, and now in his mind, the fact that she's pregnant trumps his obligation to Addison. So he just wants to go back to Mer and be with her and their child, and is kind of naively thinking that he and Meredith can fall straight back into the sort of happiness they had before his wife showed up. But they obviously can't. All the doubts Meredith hurls at him hurt him, but in the end, he sort of grasps how much choosing Addison over her shook Mer's faith in him. And he wants her to be able to trust him again, to believe him when he tells her he loves her, so…he agrees to what she wants. He desperately wants to convince her that he wants her, so he ends up going along with what she asks of him, even though it's a world away from what he wants to be doing.

So yep…done rambling. I'm glad to hear that people don't mind my long post-update rambles, and (possibly even) enjoy them. Very glad, because it helps me process what I just wrote. However…if you get annoyed with them, do go ahead and give me a nice friendly kick, and tell me to cut them out. Heh…that's all I have to say. Thank you so much for reading, and please review!