So technically, I should be sleeping. It's late, and I have to baby sit in the morning. Which…isn't exactly a problem. Because seriously, this two-year-old? She's utterly adorable and easy to take care of. Still, I have to get up very early to watch her tomorrow. So, I should be sleeping. However, I really wanted to get this chapter up tonight. I feel like I've been working on it forever, and ugh…I still don't completely like it. But oh well, hopefully you guys will think it's okay. And then we can move onto the next chapter, which I am excited for!
Also, thanks so much for the great reviews for the last chapter. I'm so happy people enjoyed that chapter, and found the situation believable. And yeah, also glad to hear people didn't mind the length. Because this chapter? It's somehow even longer. No clue why. I thought it would be a shorter chapter actually. But it just…ended up being long. So yeah, that's about all for now. Please enjoy!
-----
Meredith was sitting cross-legged on her couch, her back to the window as bright rays of sunlight streamed through the wide pane of glass, warming the front room. She was still wearing the sweatpants and old Dartmouth t-shirt she had gone to bed in, and she had decided that the puffiness around her eyes from crying had finally gone down completely, but it hadn't quite. Her green eyes were still slightly tinged with red, the soft skin around her eyes a little swollen. She reached a hand up to adjust her messy ponytail before returning to the business of flipping through the book resting in her lap. An hour ago, she had lugged the shopping bag full of books on pregnancy, and babies, and baby names that Izzie had bought for her out from its forgotten place beneath her bed. And now, she was reading them. Well, she was attempting to read them. Meredith turned the page with a hard yanking gesture, almost as if she were trying to rip it out instead of read its other side. She was growing sick of looking at all the photos of pregnant women grinning delightedly downward as they caressed their swollen bellies. She didn't want to read another helpful quotation, set off in a tidy little box, offering tidbits of wisdom from knowing mothers. Meredith sighed with frustration, and resumed turning the pages so forcefully and rapidly that she didn't even hear the front door open.
"Hey," called a voice, and Meredith looked up to see Izzie standing in the doorway, still dressed in scrubs.
"Hey," muttered Meredith, flicking at the corner of a page with her fingernail as she spoke. "Busy call last night?" she asked, forcing herself to at least be conversational, despite her utter lack of inclination to do anything other than glare down at her lap.
"It was good," said Izzie happily. "That was the most sleep I've ever got on call." Meredith frowned, thinking of her own largely sleepless night, as Izzie paused and stretched luxuriously, a contented sigh escaping her lips. "And now, I've got the rest of the day off," she continued, catching sight of the pile of books scattered recklessly across the room. "Oh good, you're finally reading those." She crossed quickly over towards where Meredith sat, flopping down beside her.
"Trying to." Meredith's voice was short and cross, and she frowned as Izzie leaned forward to peer at a picture of a chubby, cherub-like baby.
"Aren't they so cute?" she gushed quietly.
Meredith just shrugged. "Sure." Her fingers yanked on the page with even more force than usual, shredding the glossy page straight down the middle. "Shit…" she muttered, smoothing her hand over the ragged tear. She glared at the book before slamming it shut, leaning forward to grab another one off the coffee table.
"Mer?" asked Izzie. Her voice was questioning and a little bit apprehensive.
Meredith just flipped the book open, staring unseeingly at its pages. "What?"
"Are you freaking out?" She was eyeing Meredith skeptically, a slight frown marking her face as she watched her friend scowling down at a page full of boy names starting with the letter 'E.'
The only response she got was a short clipped, "No."
There was a long pause, full of Meredith flipping her way tersely through the entire alphabet, before Izzie repeated her question. "You're sure you're not freaking out?" she pressed.
Meredith looked up at her incredulously, slamming the book shut and getting to her feet. "Yes, I'm sure I'm not freaking out," she said, folding her arms over her chest. "Why?"
Izzie shifted uncomfortably on the couch, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger. "Well…you know, you tend to freak out a lot lately."
"I do not," protested Meredith, despite the fact that she knew that wasn't exactly the truth. Still, she had been surprisingly normal around Izzie the past few days, and Izzie was looking rather shifty-eyed. She raised a skeptical eyebrow at her friend. "Izzie…" she said slowly, her voice questioning and her hands on her hips. Izzie shrugged, bouncing back onto the couch into a more comfortable position.
"Okay fine. I may or may not have been put on special, freak-out watchdog duty by Cristina," she admitted in a quick rush, once again emphasizing her poor talent at keeping secrets.
Meredith just groaned in disbelief. "Seriously?" she asked, shaking her head and turning away towards the kitchen.
"But you can't say anything," continued Izzie, tossing aside the pillow she'd been holding. She got to her feet, hurrying after Meredith into the kitchen. "I mean, if you mention it, she will hurt us both." Her eyes were wide and her voice filled with an amused form of seriousness, as she laughed and then shook her head sternly. "Painfully," she added, as a last, convincing good measure.
"Uh huh," muttered Meredith, crossing across the kitchen towards the fridge. "I think she'd just hurt you Iz." Izzie sighed and hoisted herself up to sit on the table, curling her legs beneath her.
"Come on Mer," she insisted. "You can talk to me. Just because you and Cristina have your whole super-secret, 'Oh, we're such cool bitchy surgeons' club doesn't mean…"
"Cristina and I do not have a club," interrupted Meredith, snorting indignantly.
"Okay whatever." Izzie shrugged, not sounding at all convinced. "I'm still very good to talk to. People love to talk to me, you know."
Meredith just turned her attention towards the fridge, wrenching the door open. "I'm fine," she said brusquely, leaning forward to examine the contents within. It was a pathetic display of groceries--a box of old left over pizza rested on the top shelf next to a carton of milk. On the bottom shelf sat an excessive amount of beer. Meredith glared at the beer through narrowed eyes, thinking bitterly that there was more than enough alcohol there to serve half of Joe's. She had just opened the dairy drawer when Izzie's voice rang out clear and decisive, serving to interrupt her search.
"Okay see, that was one of the signs I was told to look for," said Izzie, scooting down the table towards her. "Excessive use of the word fine." She placed a proud emphasis on the word, and grinned happily as Meredith whirled around, her eyes widening with shock and indignation.
"Seriously?" Meredith shook her head in frustration. "I will kill Cristina," she muttered. The only response she got was a shrug, and so, with an irritated sigh, she returned her attention to the open refrigerator. Her eyes settled on a half eaten can of chocolate frosting, and she leaned forward, fishing it out from where it was tucked way in the back behind the pizza. Moments later she had grabbed a spoon, and was scooping out a mouthful of chocolate.
"Eww Meredith, that's disgusting," announced Izzie, watching her lick the spoon and return it to the container for a second helping of frosting. "Seriously, that's like something George would do." Meredith simply shrugged absently, walking back out of the kitchen towards the couch. "Besides, I use that frosting for cupcakes," continued Izzie, once again getting down and following her. "And now you're eating it, and making it germy."
"Izzie, if it's that big of a deal, I'll buy you a new thing of frosting okay?" She sounded tired and somewhat impatient as she once again opened another book on pregnancy, flipping halfheartedly through its pages.
"You know, you're basically feeding your baby pure sugar," continued Izzie, her voice growing preachy. "Do you really want to feed it pure sugar?"
Meredith's head snapped up, her eyes glinting daggers at her friend. She turned the book she was holding over, opening it to the index. "It's a craving Izzie," she snapped, jabbing her spoon at that exact word in the index. "See, right here…apparently I'll get those." Her voice was unusually cold, and the scowl weighing heavily on her brow warned Izzie not to continue.
"Fine. Cravings. Whatever…" she muttered, flopping back down onto the couch herself and grabbing the remote. Oprah came flashing onto the TV screen, and Izzie watched quietly for awhile. However, by the time the show arrived at a commercial break, she was reading over Meredith's shoulder. "Ooh are your feet colder than normal?" she asked, reaching down to point at a paragraph on old wives' tales. "That means it could be a boy."
Meredith shook her head, turning the page. "I don't know."
"Well, do you want a girl or a boy?" Meredith just shrugged.
"I don't know," she repeated flatly, her eyes trained fixedly on the book. Izzie sighed and sank back into silence. Meredith chewed on her lip. She didn't really like the taste of frosting much at all, and now her whole mouth tasted like it. Setting the can down on the coffee table, she tried to find something in the book that could hold her interest. But, after a few minutes, she had returned to scanning the pages aimlessly--doing her best to ignore the aggravating replay of the day before that kept popping up in her mind.
"Go back Mer," pleaded Izzie after several more minutes of silence. "To the nursery stuff." Meredith closed her eyes, biting back a tart reply, before grudgingly flipping to the chapter Izzie had requested. "Look…" Izzie's voice was soft and hushed, and she leaned her head against Meredith's shoulder as she studied the glossy pictures.
"Mhmm…" managed Meredith.
"Oh can I help you do the nursery? Please? It'll be fun, with cute wallpaper, and stuffed animals, and a crib with a mobile, and…" She trailed off, glancing up at Meredith. "Which room are you going to turn into the nursery anyway?" she asked.
"Actually, I was just going to throw the thing in one of my empty drawers."
Izzie's sat straight up, and looked at Meredith as if she might be crazy. "Seriously?"
Meredith just rolled her eyes. "No Izzie," she snapped. "I'm not seriously going to put my baby in a drawer."
Izzie shook her head. "You know, something really is wrong with you today," she said thoughtfully. "You're all pinched and mean. Only, you're Meredith. Meredith's never mean. She doesn't even know how to be mean." There was something slightly hurt in her voice that forced Meredith to look up, and take in the confused frown on her friend's face.
She sighed reluctantly. "I'm sorry Iz." She offered her an apologetic smile, saying, "I just don't want to talk about baby stuff, okay?"
"Okay," agreed Izzie, but her frown deepened. "So…why are you reading baby books then?"
Meredith closed the book, giving it a halfhearted shove, and watching as it fell from her knees to lay splayed on the floor. "Because," she said bitterly. "I'm trying to somehow psych myself up enough to actually go to my doctor's appointment in an hour."
Izzie's response was instantaneous. "But Mer…it's a baby. That is exciting."
"No…no, it's really not." Meredith shook her head, leaning back into the couch and pinching the bridge of her nose. "It's overwhelming." She sighed heavily, before closing her eyes, and giving in to her need to somehow address what had happened yesterday. "And, I may have done something incredibly stupid."
"Something stupid?" echoed Izzie, her entire face lighting up. "I knew it. I was right! I knew you were freaking out about something."
"Thanks…" muttered Meredith darkly.
Izzie turned sheepish, demurely tucking her hair back behind her ears. "Sorry," she said. "Go on. You did something incredibly stupid?"
"Yes. A stupid Derek thing." She spoke in a flat monotone as if she were unaffected--doing the best she could to convince herself she hadn't spent the whole night in tears over him, and simply refusing to let herself start up crying again.
"Oh. Did you tell him you're pregnant?" asked Izzie, scooting around on the couch. Her eyes were eager and shining; ready for gossip. "Although, I don't see how that would be stupid Mer."
"No. I mean, yes. I told him. But that's not the stupid thing."
"It's not?"
"No, it's not." Meredith opened one eye wide enough to squint at Izzie, who was perched attentively beside her, before taking a deep breath and giving her the bare bones explanation of what she and Derek were doing, and why. She kept her memories of the anger, and the hurt, and the frantic desperate kissing silent though, locked close within her heart. Not only did it hurt to examine them too closely, there were some things that simply needed to remain private--ensnared only in her life and Derek's. Still, the little bit that she did share left her feeling slightly shaky, and she took another deep breath before finally sitting up to face Izzie. "Stupid, right?" she concluded.
Izzie just shook her head. "Mer, no. You did what you thought would be best for you and your baby. That's not stupid." Meredith groaned, once again sinking back into the cushions. "Seriously, it's not," continued Izzie earnestly. "It means you're gonna be a good mom."
Meredith laughed disbelievingly. "Right…have you met my mother? Besides," she stretched her arm out, grabbing another halfhearted mouthful of the frosting. "I can't even bring myself to go to the doctor because I miss Derek, and I want him to come with. I mean, already. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours, and I miss him already Iz. That's pathetic, right?" She frowned at Izzie for a second, before continuing on, not waiting for a response. "Actually, don't answer that. I know it's pathetic." She pointed at herself with the chocolate coated spoon. "I'm pathetic."
"Well," began Izzie cautiously. "Tell him you miss him then. He'd probably come right back. You said you had to convince him to still try with Addison, so…"
"Which. Was. Stupid," interrupted Meredith, speaking slowly and punctuating each word by shoving the spoon deeper and deeper into the can of frosting.
"So go get him back Mer."
But Meredith just sighed, once again shoving the frosting far away across the table. "No," she said quietly. "I can't." She ran her tongue slowly along her lips, her gaze trained deliberately on her tightly knit fingers.
"Why?" For once, Izzie's voice was completely free of its gossip-hungry undertones. It was simply gentle, and oh so slightly probing.
"Because…it would completely defeat the point." She sounded very far away, her eyelashes fluttering softly as she spoke. "Everything that happened yesterday…it would just defeat the point."
She twisted around to look at Izzie--her eyes shining, sad and vulnerable, as Izzie let out a soft, "Oh." Izzie said nothing more, sensing that whatever was at the heart of what happened yesterday was both too complicated and too painful for Meredith to sum up in a simple sentence. She reached out, placing a comforting hand on her friend's arm.
Meredith responded with a dry smile. "Besides," she continued, swinging determinedly back towards the safety of sarcasm. "This way I get to sit around and wait for McDreamy to choose me over her. Again. Apparently, I like pain." Izzie didn't answer. She just stared at her friend, finding herself not quite sure of what to say. But, after a moment, Meredith simply resumed speaking. The sarcasm she had been clinging to vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and her voice merely sounded small. "I can't do this by myself Izzie. I can't." She shook her head, contemplating the one possibility that she had been consistently trying to shove from her mind. "What if he realizes Addison's really great? What if he just never comes back?" Her voice shook slightly, and she reached out, grabbing one of the books from where it lay next to her on the couch. She opened it, flipping through the pages. "I mean, look at all this stuff. I can't do all of this," she said, her voice rising to a high panicked pitch. "Seriously. It's not possible…I can't. I just can't."
Izzie reached out, catching Meredith's wrist and pulling the book away from her before it could lose all of its pages. "You can," she said simply. Her voice was warm and knowing, but the reassurance was completely lost on Meredith, who simply shook her head.
"How? How can I possibly do this?" she asked, her eyes growing more and more frantic.
"You just can," insisted Izzie. "You'll find a way."
"You're just saying that," snapped Meredith, frustrated with her fears and yet utterly unable to calm them on her own. Her head fell forward to rest in her hands, and she muttered, "You don't understand what this is like Izzie. You don't really know."
Izzie closed her eyes, taking a deep determined breathe. "No," she said quietly, as she resigned herself to giving up her own secrets in an effort to help her friend. "I really do know. I've…done this." She bit her lip, as reluctant to return to that part of her past as Meredith was to address her own childhood. However, she could feel Meredith's gaze suddenly trained on her--shocked and inquisitive and perhaps even a little bit hopeful. She swallowed hard, knowing she couldn't throw a comment out like that and then promptly abandon it. "When I was sixteen," she continued with a sad little laugh, her eyes still closed. "I…gave her up for adoption."
"Oh…" Meredith's voice was many things--a rush of understanding, an apology for her own words, a plea for Izzie to keep speaking.
"Yeah," murmured Izzie, her face growing very solemn and pale, before slowly sitting back up and opening her eyes. "Look, I was probably even more scared than you are. The guy found a new girlfriend as soon as I told him, and my mom…she was pretty much always at work or on the phone. I was alone, scared and sixteen, and somehow I did it." She paused and rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes, looking over at Meredith.
Meredith just nodded. The corners of her mouth were drooping down into a slight frown, and her pale eyes had grown dark and serious. "You survived," she said quietly.
"I survived," she agreed. "And seriously Mer, you'll survive too. You can do this." Meredith offered her a half smile, still seeming skeptical. "You're not sixteen. You're grown up…with a job and a life. And you're not alone," she continued earnestly. "You've got all of us."
"Yeah?" Meredith's voice was very small, but Izzie just smiled, suddenly looking more like her normal self again.
She nodded her head, saying, "Mer, trust me. The moment you see your baby, none of this now is even going to matter."
"Yeah?" repeated Meredith. Her voice was soft and wavering, but it was filled with a thick strand of hope that had previously been missing. A gentle wave of relief seemed to be washing over her, easing at least a little of the constant tension she had felt since walking away from Derek.
"Yeah," agreed Izzie as Meredith's head dropped down to rest on her shoulder. The two women sat together in silence, both lost in their own thoughts, until Meredith finally noticed the glowing light of the digital clock on the cable box.
"Crap," she said, moving away from Izzie and springing to her feet. "I'm going to be late."
Izzie just smirked. "Yeah right, as if you've ever obeyed the speed limit. You'll drive there in what? Ten minutes?" Meredith wrinkled her nose, but didn't reply. "Just hurry up and get ready," continued Izzie. "I'll even come and wait with you."
"You will?" asked Meredith incredulously, unable to hide her delight over not going alone. "And waste your afternoon off? You don't have any plans?"
"Yeah well, someone has to make sure you don't re-freak while waiting," she teased, prompting Meredith to turn back and roll her eyes. "Besides, I was going to make cupcakes." She paused, a smirk playing across her face as she leaned forward to examine the now nearly empty frosting can. "But apparently, somebody ate all my frosting."
-----
"So who is your doctor anyway?" asked Izzie, leaning forward to snatch another magazine off the table in the large waiting room. "Is he published? Is he any good?"
Meredith glanced up at her. "I don't know. I think so," she said thoughtfully, opening her purse and fishing out his business card. "Umm…J. Turner," she announced. "Ring any bells?"
"No," said Izzie, shaking her head. "Not really. What do you think of these shoes?" she asked, pointing at a picture in the magazine. They had kept their conversation pointedly lighthearted since leaving the house--both women sensing that the other didn't want to return to the heart of their talk on the couch. Still, even without constant reminders of Derek, Meredith felt her stomach growing persistently nervous and fluttery. Doctors' offices made her nervous, at least, when she wasn't the doctor. She mumbled a response, returning her attention to the article she had been reading. Izzie yawned, stretching back in her richly upholstered chair. "Well even if he's crap, at least his waiting room's nice," she sighed as she drummed her fingers against the armrest. Quickly growing bored with the magazine, her gaze began to flit around the room, coming to settle on a tall man as he entered from one of the offices beyond. He was dressed in a long white lab coat, his brown hair falling slightly into his eyes as he bent down to talk to a woman. Izzie straightened up a bit, elbowing Meredith, her attention now completely absorbed by the man.
The woman he was speaking to was tiny and middle-aged. She seemed to twitter more than speak, her face reddening as he shook her hand. "Oh, Dr. Turner…it's nothing," she said, her voice loud and cheerfully flustered, carrying easily across the room. Izzie's eyebrows flew up in response.
"Meredith…" she muttered, once again elbowing her, a bit harder this time. "You never said your doctor was hot."
"Yeah, I know," answered Meredith absently. "I have no idea what he looks like."
"No. Seriously…look," hissed Izzie, pointing her head none too subtly in the direction of Dr. Turner. "That's your gynie doctor." Meredith heaved an irritated sigh--she had been trying to ignore the fact that, at some point, her name would be called, and she would have to go in for her appointment. Looking at her doctor wasn't exactly going to make the game of ignoring any easier. However, she obliged Izzie, following with her eyes to where she was pointing. The man in question had straightened up, turning around to say something to the receptionist. He was broad shouldered, and looked slightly tan, with the vaguest hint of stubble running along his jaw line.
Meredith raised an eyebrow, an amused smile playing across her face. "You like my gynie doctor?" she asked in a low teasing voice. Izzie shook her head noncommittally, still following him with her eyes. "What about Alex, Izzie?" continued Meredith, laughing as she deliberately returned her attention to her reading.
"I'm just saying," she answered airily, glancing back at Meredith. "You don't think Dr. McBabies over there is hot?"
Meredith frowned and took another look at him. He did have a charming, slightly crooked smile, and a deep rolling laugh. She shrugged her shoulders, saying, "Sure." But seconds later, her eyes had widened, and she was turning back to Izzie. "Dr. McBabies, Iz?" she asked incredulously. "Seriously?"
"Yeah well, he's the baby doctor," said Izzie. She pursed her lips together thoughtfully, her voice growing ridiculously serious as she asked, "You think Dr. McHottie would be better?"
"Izzie," hissed Meredith, rolling her eyes. "He will hear you."
"No he won't," muttered Izzie disappointedly. "He's going back in." She watched as he pushed open the door leading to the inner offices and exam rooms--disappearing from sight--before turning towards Meredith with a wicked grin on her face. "Damn…I've got to get pregnant too now," she said, prompting Meredith to shoot her yet another dubious look.
"Um…OB/GYN Iz," she said speaking very slowly. "You don't have to be pregnant to see him."
"I know that," came the indignant reply. "Just…if I ever happen to bear future children," she continued, doing her best to keep a serious face. However Meredith dissolved into giggles, and that prompted Izzie to do the same.
"You really think he's that good-looking?" asked Meredith after they stopped laughing. Before Izzie could even open her mouth to answer, the sound of Meredith's name being called by the receptionist rang through the room. She wrinkled her nose as she set down her magazine. "Never mind," she continued, getting to her feet and picking up her bag. The smile had instantly vanished from her face, replaced by a look of pure apprehension. "Okay," muttered Meredith, pressing her hand against her stomach, before glancing down and removing it self-consciously.
"You'll be fine Mer," said Izzie encouragingly. "Although…" She paused, smirking up at her, before adding, "McBabies might like you better if you put on some lip gloss first."
Meredith just let out a disbelieving laugh, rolling her eyes and walking back towards the exam rooms.
She soon found herself anxiously pacing back and forth in a narrow room. The nurse had already came and went, and Meredith was left with nothing to do other than twist her watch in nervous circles as she poked about, waiting for the doctor. The exam room wasn't anything unusual--plain white walls covered with helpful color illustrations of fetuses in various stages of gestation. Still, Meredith's legs felt vaguely shaky, and she found herself wishing she could sneak back out into the safety of the waiting room without anyone noticing. Out there, she could count on Izzie to think of something to distract her. But here, inside the small and quiet room, there was nothing save for the frustratingly persistent knowledge that she had sent Derek to Addison herself. She could have had him, but now she was alone. Alone for the next…who knew how many months--maybe forever. Stop being stupid, she thought angrily, interrupting her own train of thought. Her mind flickered back to the memory of a sixteen year-old Izzie. We're not alone, she reminded herself fiercelyas she once again placed a trembling hand against her stomach--far less self-consciously this time due to the privacy of the closed room. She took a deep breath, looking around for something to keep her mind occupied. Her eyes landed on the folder containing her preliminary medical history--left by the nurse, and now just waiting there on the counter. Meredith took one hesitant breath before snatching it up, and leaning back against the wall as she absently flipped through its pages.
It kept her distracted enough from her own worries and nagging thoughts about Derek that, when the door opened, she was completely caught off guard. She looked up, letting out a gasp of surprise, and promptly dropped her folder. The soft whooshing sound of papers scattering and falling to the ground filled the air, and Meredith paled, immediately dropping to her knees to gather them up. "Sorry," she muttered, her voice full of embarrassment. "I'm probably not even supposed to be looking at that."
"No, it's fine. It's your history, after all," came a friendly voice, filled with a touch of amusement. Meredith glanced up, pushing her hair back, and found herself face-to-face with a surprisingly warm pair of hazel eyes. There was something simultaneously calming and intriguing about them, and Meredith gasped slightly--her face flushing as she stared up into them for a moment--before coming to her senses and remembering the mess she'd made of the file.
"Still…" she continued, springing back into action. She leaned forward to scoop up the last of the loose paper. "It's all out of order now and stuff," she added with a grimace, noting her futile struggle to put the papers back into some semblance of their previous neat arrangement.
"No really, it's fine," insisted the man opposite her. "It'll give me something to do around here for once." He was smiling at her good-naturedly, and she found her embarrassment over her sudden clumsiness lessening. "You must be Dr. Grey?" he asked, stretching out a hand to help her up.
Meredith nodded, placing her slender hand in his notably larger one. "And you're Dr. umm…" She bit her tongue to keep Izzie's nickname for the man from slipping out. "Turner," she finished, handing over her file to him as they both straightened up. "Dr. Turner."
"I am," he agreed with a quick grin, his eyes crinkling slightly. He flipped her file open for himself, dropping down to sit on a low swivel chair as he read over the history--his lips pursed thoughtfully. Meredith found herself growing anxious again in the sudden silence, and she turned around to find herself facing the deep sloping exam table. Despite the fact that it was nothing new, she frowned at it uncomfortably, taking a step backwards. She knew that getting up on that table would make the next several months change from something comfortably abstract into something completely and painfully concrete. And Meredith found herself wondering, with a bitter and somewhat guilty pang, just how long she would have only Izzie (or no one) waiting for her down the hall…instead of Derek.
"I'm pregnant," she announced suddenly, in a struggle to once again pull herself away from her thoughts. Dr. Turner looked up, raising an eyebrow at her over the file, and simply nodding his head. "Well obviously you know that," she continued, frowning at her own comment. "It says so in my file. That's why I'm here after all." She reached up, tucking her long bangs out of the way. "I know I technically should have come sooner," she continued, giving into her tendency to ramble when nervous. "But things were…complicated. With my life, and with my…" Meredith trailed off; realizing that not only had she failed to distract herself from her thoughts about Derek, but that she was also utterly unsure of how to describe him. 'My boyfriend' wasn't exactly applicable anymore, and 'My boss who knocked me up' felt like just a little too much information. "My life," she repeated lamely, looking up at the man who nearly towered over her even when sitting. He had closed her file, and was simply watching her--a very amused smirk playing across his face.
"You're incredibly nervous, aren't you?" he asked. His tone was blunt and straightforward, and it left Meredith feeling a bit taken aback.
"Umm…no," she stammered defensively, but gave up as soon as she saw that simply made him raise his eyebrows higher. She let out an awkward laugh, nodding her head. "I mean…yes. I am. Nervous, that is." She grimaced before adding, "Very nervous."
He grinned at her again, hazel eyes glinting knowingly. "I thought so." He motioned towards the exam table, adding, "Have a seat, Dr. Grey."
Meredith just balked; her feet remaining frozen to the floor. It suddenly seemed like a very large step from the floor to the table--from the intangible through to cold, hard reality. "Meredith," she blurted out. "Just Meredith. I'm the patient, and…we can't have two doctors." She was speaking very quickly, her hands back to fidgeting with her watch. "That would be confusing. And weird."
"Okay Meredith," he agreed, his voice low and comforting. "Call me Josh."
"Josh?" Meredith frowned at him, looking slightly bemused, and still no closer to sitting down.
"Josh," he repeated firmly, leading her over to the exam table. "And we can just be two people--nothing worth getting nervous over."
"Nothing worse getting nervous over," she echoed, casting one last glance at the table behind her.
He nodded. "Exactly."
"Okay Josh," she agreed quietly. And somehow, that really did help a little. Because, before she quite realized it, she was reaching back to hoist herself up onto that table and into reality.
-----
Okay…see? I said it was long…heh. Also, glad to hear people like my rambling here. I will therefore stop rambling about the rambling, and just purely ramble… Or something. So, hmmm…Meredith. Last chapter, she basically pushed Derek away so that he could figure out what he really wanted. And while she technically knows it was the right thing to do, she also loves the guy. And that pretty much makes it impossible to be all glass half-full, sunshine and smiles Meredith the next day. Because Derek could have been hers. And she gave that up for at least the time being, and consequently, she has some issues. She's feeling grumpy, and freaking out about both being alone and having the fact that she's pregnant turn from this general concept into something much more concrete by actually going to the doctor. And, she manages to make a fool of herself in front of said doctor. However, her doctor, is actually a rather nice guy (who Izzie happens to find charmingly good-looking), and she knows she's got Izzie out there waiting for her too, and so in the end, she's able to just go ahead with things despite the fact that her and Derek's issues are far from unresolved.
And Izzie…there was a lot of Izzie in this chapter. Much more Izzie than usual. Now I know some people don't like Izzie (although I kind of love her for her occasionally crazy and judgmental ways), so, if that's you, rest assured that none of the future chapters are anything near this Izzie heavy. But, I wanted an Izzie chapter because well…out of Mer's friends, she's the only one who has actually been pregnant. Now, on the show, she obviously hasn't told any of her friends. But here, Mer is freaking out, and she needs to hear something concrete beyond the sort of empty reassurances she could get from anybody (and which is what she thinks Izzie is giving her). So, Izzie tells her story, and…it helps. However, even while being helpful, Izzie was also being annoying. Because Cristina's idea of watching out for Mer and Izzie's idea of the same? Their worlds apart. Izzie's trying to be helpful, and is honestly just excited about the baby because she knows Mer is going to get a happy ending with her baby opposed to her own bittersweet one. So she's excited, and thinks Mer is too when she sees her utterly surrounded by a sea of baby books. But yeah, she's Izzie. She can be a bit grating and…Izzie-like, and so she annoys Mer. But, her heart's in the right place, and she ends up helping her a lot too.
And hmmm…the McBabies doctor. He is charmingly good-looking. And while he's not there to sweep Mer off her feet and away from Derek, he does have a role to play. Yeah… That's about it. Next chapter will see the return of Mer/Der interaction, and just how they go about the business of being around each other while Derek is "trying." If I don't post again before January 1st, have a Happy New Year everyone! Thanks so much for reading this, and please review!