So…hmm…apparently, as someone pointed out, there is an actual famous Josh Turner. I am endlessly amused by this because, I googled the guy, and honestly…if you're wanting some sort of concrete, visual representation of Dr. McBabies? The guy isn't exactly a bad example. His facial structure is close to what I was picturing, and the hair works too. The eyes are the wrong color and the, er…cowboy boots don't quite fit either. But still…I'm loving this coincidence. Tres amusing and all that sort of stuff. Anyway, as for said doctor, some people seemed to like him and some people seemed to be concerned by him. I don't want to say exactly why I brought him in, but because my own fragile Mer/Der shipper heart goes all haywire whenever anyone male and remotely attractive (and NOT Derek) acts charming around Mer, I will say that she won't fall in love with him. Derek's got her heart pretty much in his pocket. Still, the guy was introduced for a reason… And now, I'm done being purposely vague and annoying! (For now hee.)

So yes, last chapter. Very glad that people seemed to enjoy the Izzie/Mer friendship. Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed. Seriously. It, well, it totally makes my day. Actually it pushes me into bright and shiny territory, but don't tell anyone… And yeah, that's about all for now. On to the chapter!

-----
Strange how we are hiding
It seems like we're secretly fighting
-----

Meredith was vaguely aware that Alex was speaking. Something about a brain tumor…excision…frontal lobe…she wasn't completely sure. She knew that he was presenting the case, and that she should be listening, but somehow his voice was just this low humming sound. She had to struggle terribly to get his words to register as anything other than white noise. And honestly, she felt a bit too distracted to fight that hard. The whole room was this insignificant blur. She wasn't even completely sure of whether it was George or Izzie who was standing to her right…and they were fairly different looking. The only thing Meredith could concentrate on at all was a pair of piercing blue eyes that were currently boring straight into her--Derek's eyes.

They were staring at each other. Across the patient's bed, they were staring at each other. Meredith hadn't planned on staring at all. She had simply been rounding. And somehow, caught up in the bustle of taking notes and moving from room to room, she had forgotten that eventually they would have to round on some sort of neuro case. It just happened--all of a sudden she was in the room of a patient recovering from a brain tumor excision. Alex began presenting the case, and his voice instantly started to fade away as Meredith looked up and saw Derek.

He looked unusually strained; his hair falling unkempt across his forehead and a whisper of dark shadows sweeping beneath his eyes. He was nodding vaguely, as if listening to Alex, and yet he hadn't once glanced down at the chart in his hands. That would require taking his gaze away from Meredith, and so far that seemed impossible. Meredith shivered, folding her arms tight across her chest. Derek's eyes were darkened by exhaustion, and that left them so close to smoldering that she felt as if he were pulling her into him via an invisible hook. Some distant part of her mind was telling her it might be a good idea to look away--that Cristina was elbowing her, that people were starting to turn puzzled frowns in their direction.

But she couldn't look away.

There was just too much written in his eyes, and mirrored in hers. Somehow, the search for reassurance and forgiveness, loneliness, their intrinsic need for each other, everything they couldn't quite say--it was whittled down and given meaning in the way they stared at each other. It wasn't awkward. Meredith had been dreading seeing Derek, even as she longed to be near him again, because she already knew how they would stumble over their words. Their conversations would be all long pauses and unfinished sentences, brimming over with uncertainty. It would be unbearably awkward at best, a brutal flashback to the week after he chose Addison at worst. But here, in the crowded room, they couldn't talk. And somehow, that saved them. They spoke better through silence. Meredith had often wondered if that was a problem; if their tendency to speak with their bodies rather than their words was somehow dysfunctional. She figured it probably was, but right now she didn't care. Their thoughts were clearer this way, and they read each other purely, unpolluted by words. She knew it couldn't last long. As soon as one of them moved, they would fall away from this and into whatever strange place they were to inhabit while he tried with Addison. And so Meredith wouldn't look away. She felt as if she would be content to simply stand there forever, and was surprised to find herself suddenly walking out of the room

It took her a minute to realize that the reason she was moving was because Izzie and Cristina both had one of her arms, and were nearly dragging her out of the patient's room, and after a ferocious sounding Bailey going on about distracted interns. And even then, Bailey's yelling just washed over her. Meredith simply turned her head, looking back into the room, finding herself completely unable to stop the gesture. Her eyes locked with Derek's again, both staring sadly after the other until the distance between them became too great.

She drifted through the rest of rounds. Bailey paused every so often to shoot her a disapproving scowl, and Cristina kept hissing things in her ear, but Meredith simply kept her gaze trained on the patients. With Derek out of the room, she could concentrate perfectly, and she did. But, she felt cold. The usual emptiness that she tended to associate with loneliness felt much sharper now than it had in the morning, before she had seen Derek. As the group dispersed to tend to their patients individually, Izzie gave her a sympathetic smile, but Cristina pulled her away down the hall.

"Okay, what was that?" asked Cristina. Her voice was an incredulous hiss as she stopped at a nurses' station, and pivoted around to fix Meredith with a raised eyebrow.

Meredith shrugged. "Umm…what was what?"

"Uh…the extremely long round of eye-sex you just had with McDreamy."

"That? Oh…umm, I mean that…it was nothing," stammered Meredith. She looked quickly away from Cristina, digging through the pocket of her lab coat for a hair tie. "I was just concentrating on the case. Very hard," she added as she found what she was looking for, and pulled her hair up into a ponytail.

"Right." Cristina's voice was short and snappish, and she rolled her eyes, saying, "Look, I'm a busy person. I don't have time to wait around until crazy-rain-Meredith returns and decides she wants to confess. But, I do have five minutes until I have to get my patient up to CT, so just tell me already."

Meredith sighed, leaning against the counter and peering down the empty hall. "Fine…but, no pointing out how this is stupid and going to backfire in my face." Cristina just nodded, drumming her fingers impatiently. Meredith took a deep breath, wrinkling her nose, and saying, "Derek said he was going to get a divorce."

"Seriously? Okay, now I understand all the eye-sex."

Meredith shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "I…then…I told him not to. I…" she swallowed, still finding it hard to get the words out without choking. "I told him to…stay with Addison."

Cristina dropped her coffee--the mug crashing straight to the ground and covering the white tile of the floor in a wash of dark brown liquid. "Seriously?" she repeated, even as they both jumped back away from the spill. An angry nurse seemed to appear out of nowhere, barreling past them to drop a wad of paper towels into the puddle, snapping for someone to page for a janitor. "Sorry," muttered Cristina. She bent down to collect her emptied mug, but kept her eyes trained on her friend. "Umm…what the hell Mer? Why?"

"A lot of reasons," hissed Meredith in an low voice, casting an anxious glance at the nearby nurse. This time, she was the one pulling Cristina away down the hall, and into a small empty room that housed the copy and fax machines. "He wasn't thinking clearly," she said as she closed the door. "I'm not going to wreck his marriage, and then have him realize later he chose wrong, and watch him leave me again." Her voice rose in a thin anxious whine that sounded dangerously close to trembling and just breaking down. And, although it failed to silence the blatant skepticism in Cristina's eyes, it did keep her from saying anything harsh. She simply nodded in agreement. Meredith sighed, punching absently at the buttons on the copy machine. "So…I told him to try with Addison. You know, take his time. Find out what he wants for sure and stuff…" Her voice trailed off, and she waved a vague hand through the air in an attempt to sum everything up.

"Okay fine," agreed Cristina, rolling her eyes. "You two need to do your messed up thing. I get it. But, what about the baby?"

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "The baby?"

"Uh your baby. Remember, the McDreamy spawn you're carting around with you all day?" answered Cristina, looking pointedly at her stomach. "What's he going to tell Satan?"

A heavy silence filled the room--Meredith averting her eyes as she bit the corner of her lip. "Nothing," she mumbled at last, her voice soft and already anticipating Cristina's reaction. "Nobody needs to know anything yet, so…it's… We're pretending I never told him…I guess." She shrugged uncomfortably. "Or something like that.." Meredith trailed off, reluctantly raising her eyes from the ground to find Cristina frowning at her, her face a perfect example of utter disbelief.

"Okay Mer…now that's just stupid," she moaned. "Please don't tell me this was all your idea, so I can at least go kick some sense into McBastard."

"Thanks," said Meredith dryly. "Very helpful. Supportive. Just what I needed to hear."

"Oh god, it was all your idea."

"Cristina…" Meredith's voice was exasperated, and she shook her head. "What else was I supposed to do? Take him back like nothing happened? I mean seriously, what?"

Cristina frowned, pushing her messy curls out of her eyes. "I don't know," she said honestly. "But she's going to find out sooner or later. Might as well get that over with now. Hell, I'd give up a surgery to see the expression on her face," she added with a laugh. "Well…you know, not a great surgery. Maybe an appy or something."

"Cristina," repeated Meredith, sounding frantic and full of denial, completely missing the grin her friend was shooting her. "No. She can't know." She closed her eyes, hating to even try and contemplate what it would be like when Addison found out. The idea filled her with a cold hard dread--something irrational, that made her want to run and hide.

"Look Mer, I'm not denying she's Satan. She is, but seriously, you get that eventually she is going to know you're having Derek's baby?" Her voice was flat and insisting, and it prompted Meredith to shake her head again, harder this time. Cristina sighed and placed a hand on her friend's arm in an oddly comforting gesture. "You can't not tell the hospital. People need to know Mer," she continued gently. "You're going to miss at least a month of your internship. That's big. Bailey needs to know."

"No." Meredith's voice was quiet and fiercely determined. "Nobody needs to know. You guys already know, and that's plenty." She glanced down at her stomach. She hadn't gotten any bigger yet, despite the fact that she felt inexplicably fatter. "Besides, scrubs are loose," she added firmly, with a strange resolute twist to her voice as she tugged on the top that hung around her small frame.

Cristina stared at her, blinking softly as realization slowly crossed her face. "Wait…you're seriously not going to say anything to Bailey? Not about your schedule or how you're going to manage to finish the program? Or your leave? Or… You're going to hide it until…when Mer?"

Meredith's response was instantaneous and unwavering. "Until Derek figures out what he wants, or it becomes impossible to hide. Whatever comes first."

"Meredith…" she began, but Meredith just shook her head again, cutting her off.

"Cristina…no. Derek can't possibly figure out what he wants if half the hospital is walking around talking about how I'm having his baby." She sighed, sweeping her bangs out of her eyes. "Besides, he'll figure out what he wants soon enough…and I'll be able to believe him. And everything will turn out fine." She spoke with a forced hopefulness--trying to convince herself that that was exactly how things would unfold, when in reality the uncertainty was already eating her up inside.

Cristina just shook her head; the hard look of incredulity disappearing from her face to be replaced with something that vacillated between sympathy and pity. "You poor, poor thing. You are so…" But before she could finish her sentence, the door swung open, and the room was instantly filled with a loud displeased voice.

"What part of this is my interns hard at work?"

Cristina jumped down from her seat on the fax machine, and Meredith whirled around, her jaw dropping open. "CT was backed up," said Cristina earnestly.

"You put me on scut," added Meredith, with the slightest tinge of defensiveness to her voice. "I'm just waiting for someone to need something."

"Oh you are both lying," said Bailey, looking back and forth between the two of them. "Badly." She shook her head, her chin jutting angrily out at them. "Yang, CT now. If there's a line, you wait in the damn line."

Cristina nearly sprang out of the room with a hasty, "Yes, Dr. Bailey." Meredith shifted uncomfortably as Bailey's eyes once again focused on her.

"And Grey, since you can't seem to figure out what to do on your own, bring this to Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, and tell her I need her on a consult down in the pit as soon as possible." She thrust a large and heavy chart at Meredith who simply stood there, blinking at her. Bailey cleared her throat. "Dr. Grey," she said sharply. "Is there a reason why you're unable to do anything other than stare at people today?"

"Umm…no," stammered Meredith, still hung up on the idea that she now had to go and actively search for Addison. "Nothing… I mean, I'm working," she continued, quickly pulling herself back together again. She flashed Bailey what she hoped was a capable and reassuring smile.

"Then why are you still standing here?"

Meredith shook her head. "I'm leaving," she said hastily. "This is me leaving right now." And she hurried past Bailey as swiftly as she could, steeling herself to walk down the hall in search of Addison.

-----

"Derek…all I'm asking is if something's wrong," said Addison, her heels clacking loudly as she doubled her pace to keep up with her husband. "I don't see why you're so upset about me asking." He heaved a loud sigh, stopping abruptly and whirling around to look at her.

"Because nothing is wrong Addie," he answered, his voice hoarse and heavy. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm fine before you stop asking?" He shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his thick mess of black curls. "Do you want it in writing?" he asked, his speech brimming with a total lack of amusement, and a variety of sarcasm that was almost cold.

Addison raised an eyebrow, her pale blue eyes hardening defensively, but a moment later she seemed to have swallowed whatever sharp retort she was harboring. "I'm just worried about you," she continued quietly, tucking a shinning strand of red hair back behind her ear. "That's all…"

His reply was as brisk and immediate as ever. "Well I'm fine. You don't need to worry." Derek ran the back of his hand across his bleary eyes. "It's nothing," he insisted, a faint skeleton of his usual reassuring smile appearing for an instant. He turned and started to walk away, but Addison reached out, catching him by the arm.

"Derek, it's not nothing. I've been married to you for eleven years, don't you think I can tell by now?"

His head jerked up instantly at that, tired eyes growing rapidly sharp and inquisitive. "Tell what?" he asked, his voice low and questioning, and suddenly filled with unease.

"That something's wrong," she continued insistently as his face relaxed a little.

"Oh…" He shrugged, and quickly followed that with a disbelieving headshake. "We've been going over this all morning Addison. I'm good, okay? We're good." Addison rolled her eyes, placing a perfectly manicured hand on each hip.

"You look like death Derek," she said flatly. He let out a bitter bark of a laugh, trying once again to turn away, but she pressed on. "What? Do you want me to just ignore the fact that you got up…how many times was it…? I think seven times last night? To pace about in the trailer… There's not even any room to pace in a freaking trailer." Addison was studying his face intently, her voice intrusive yet filled with concern. "Or what about the night before when you tossed and turned for hours? Or the fact that you've barely said two words to me, and are walking around like some sort of zombie?"

"Addison," groaned Derek, burying his face in his hands. "Don't do this."

"Come on. Just tell me, and save yourself several hours of me hounding you about it," she joked, as a sad smile flickered across her face. Derek had straightened up again, and was looking at her, his lips drawn into a thin line. "Are you sick?" she continued, reaching up and placing a hand to his forehead. "Because if you are…you could always push a few of your surgeries. Go get a few hours rest first."

Derek reached up and removed her hand from his brow, replacing it with a heavy frown. "Addison, I'm fine," he repeated yet again, struggling to keep from snapping at her. "There's nothing for you to worry about." A glint of a sardonic smile appeared briefly in his eyes as he thought how far from the truth all of this was, and that filled him with a pang of guilt and an even greater desire to change the subject. "Now please," he said heavily. "Stop with all the nagging."

Addison just stared at him--her expression wavering between a confused frown and a small, slightly twisted smile of acceptance. But, in the end, the smile won out and she nodded her head. "Okay," she agreed, giving in to him. "I'm sorry. No more nagging." Derek sighed gratefully, and she leaned forward, stretching her hand out to him. "Truce?" she asked. He glanced down at her waiting fingers uncertainly. His first instinct was to shake his head and walk away--letting himself be propelled by his frustrations and his far from dormant desire to see Meredith. But thinking of Meredith was a painful reminder that he had promised to try, and that sometimes, trying requires giving a little. And so he reached out, taking her long slender hand in his.

"Truce," he agreed, and Addison stepped closer to him, the usually cool blue of her eyes taking a decided swing towards a warmer happier shade.

"That's the first thing we've agreed on in a long time," she said quietly, raising an eyebrow and biting down on the very center of her lower lip, as she swung his hand back and forth softly with hers.

Derek let out a tired sort of laugh and nodded his head. "Yeah. I guess so…"

"We used to agree on almost everything," continued Addison wistfully. "I miss that."

Derek nodded again. "I know you do," he said quietly. "And…I'm trying Addison." There was a certain tinge of reluctance to his words, and he looked away from her, casting his troubled eyes to the ground. But Addison seemed to miss the bold lines of conflicted agony there, or, if she saw them, she didn't want to acknowledge what they could mean. She simply tugged on his hand, smiling at his bowed head.

"I know you are." Her voice was soft and undeniably grateful, and she laced her fingers tighter with his as she spoke. "And I'm…"

"Dr. Shepherd?"

A small hesitant voice interrupted them, and they both whirled around to find Meredith standing there, clutching a large chart to her chest. Her pale green eyes flitted instantly to Derek's face, and then to the hand joined with his wife's, before dropping quickly to the ground. "Sorry," she mumbled, even as he let go of Addison's hand as quickly as if it had burned him. "I didn't mean to interrupt," she continued, her eyes still trained resolutely on the square foot of tile in front of her face. "I just…"

"Meredith, what is it?" asked Derek instantly, as she started to let herself trail off into silence. His voice was uncertain, and yet it curved with a rich warmth that had previously been missing from his speech. It called out to her, almost making it possible for her to forget that Addison was right there. And so she raised her eyes towards the sound to find him searching her face, a hint of worry written in his expression. She tilted her head to the side, finding herself as speechless as she had predicted. However, she could read his anxiety, and a faint flash of a reassuring smile danced across her face. It was instinct, and she barely even realized what she was doing, until Addison's voice came crashing into her mind, the sound colored strongly with annoyance.

"Yes, what do you need Dr. Grey?" Addison was glancing back and forth between her husband and his old girlfriend--the strange ghosts of meaningful looks she swore she saw being exchanged between them filled her with unease. She curled her fingers into a fist, trying to pretend she didn't mind how quickly Derek had pulled his hand from hers.

Meredith started at the sound of her voice, once again hastily tearing her gaze from Derek. "Umm Dr. Bailey asked me to find you," she said, passing the chart over to Addison. "She asked if you'd help her with a consult in the pit as soon as possible." She didn't quite meet Addison's eyes as she spoke, but stared uncomfortably just past her. Being so close to Addison was unnerving. She felt more than simply awkward. She felt dangerously on display, as if she were in a cage at some sort of freak show, and at any moment, Addison would realize just why and let out a horrified gasp that would echo through the hallways. Meredith found herself wanting nothing more than to snatch the thick binder back; to have it to hold protectively in front of her stomach. But all she could do was stand there, and try not to look at Derek as if he were something to her.

"Of course," replied Addison, her voice once again intruding into Meredith's mind. "Thank you Dr. Grey." She sounded cool and distant, filled with an aloof professionalism. Meredith just nodded, mumbling in response as she fidgeted with a button on her lab coat. She knew that was her cue to leave, but Derek's eyes were nothing save a broken plea for her to stay just a little bit longer. And so she didn't move, but simply watched as Addison flipped the chart open, her gaze moving quickly down the page. "Hmm…twenty-eight weeks pregnant with severe blunt trauma to the abdomen," she murmured, speaking mostly to herself as she read. Meredith bit her lip, having to struggle against the rapidly developed reflex that urged her to move her hand from where it rested at her side towards her own abdomen. She was a doctor. She was used to hearing long strands of vitals and injuries read out, but somehow hearing this in Addison's voice was both grating and overwhelming. She dug her nails deep into her palms to keep herself still, struggling to find a way to appear perfectly normal.

The sound of Derek clearing his throat served to jar Addison from her running monologue of injuries. "You should probably hurry then," he said pointedly. Addison nodded her head, and Meredith's first response was simple rushing relief, before she realized how carefully Derek had to have been watching her. Close enough to pick up on the way she bit her lip when Addison started to speak. Close enough to read the clenching of her fists for what it was. Close enough to put it all together, and know exactly what to do. And then…Meredith wasn't exactly sure what to feel.

"Right," agreed Addison, looking up and snapping the chart shut. "I'd better go." She seemed surprised to see Meredith still standing there, almost immobilized, a strange sort of frown drifting across her face. "Dr. Grey?" she asked, her voice both quizzical and disapproving.

"Uh right…" stammered Meredith, flushing as she too was jarred from her thoughts. She gestured behind her down the hall, adding, "I'm…I'm gonna… I'm leaving too." She shifted uncomfortably, glancing briefly at Derek, but before she could move, Addison was once again speaking.

"No rush Dr. Grey," she said sarcastically. "Take your time." She raised a single smirking eyebrow in her direction before leaning forward, and pressing her lips to Derek's cheek. Once again, Meredith found herself staring intently at the floor, trying to comfort herself with the fact that Derek had frowned and not turned into the kiss, but unable to erase the image of his hand, rising to press gently against the small of Addison's back, from her mind. "See you later," Addison continued, her voice growing soft and feminine as she addressed her husband. And without another word, she was making her way hastily down the hall, her heels pounding out their usual staccato rhythm.

Neither Meredith nor Derek moved until Addison had disappeared around the corner. They both simply stood there; Meredith fidgeting with her watch and studying the ground while Derek stared at her. She felt uncertain, wanting to run away and spare them this for now, yet completely unable to move so long as he was holding her there with his eyes. And so Meredith forced herself to meet them once again. "Hi," she said shyly, her voice a quiet whisper.

"Hi," echoed Derek. Everything felt far more uncertain than it had during rounds, now that the burden of communication had moved to speech. He frowned down at her, asking, "How are you?" The roughness in his voice had softened into something that simply sounded bruised, and it filled her with a strange desire to just start crying again.

"Umm…" mumbled Meredith, pulling her hair down from its ponytail and promptly tying it right back up simply to give herself something to do. "Okay I guess. Good…" She tried out the word, and it felt strange on her lips. "Fine," she amended awkwardly, avoiding his gaze in favor of staring down at the ground. "And, you're…?"

"About the same," he said, looking away down the hall, his eyes somber and heavy lidded. "You know," he added with a shrug. Derek's voice was hoarse and remote, but as he turned back towards Meredith, a flicker of warmth appeared in the blue depths of his eyes and a smile ghosted across his face.

"Yeah…I do know." She tilted her head to the side--first taking in the lonely expanse of bare tile floor between them, before her gaze moved to read the deep lines of exhaustion written in his face. "You look tired," she added hesitantly. It wasn't so much that he looked tired, as it was she knew he was tired…exhausted even. But she had pushed him away, and now she felt adrift and uncertain of her place--as if telling him that she knew he was about to drop dead if he didn't rest soon would be too much…too presumptuous somehow.

But Derek simply nodded his head. "I am," he agreed. "Couldn't sleep."

"Right…me neither." They both looked away--neither willing to mention the reason behind their sudden shared insomnia.

"You should get some sleep," responded Derek at last, protectiveness rushing past the awkwardness to fill his voice. "You know, because of…" He stopped himself before he mentioned their child, finding himself full of doubt. He wanted nothing more than to care for her now--to tuck her safely into one of the beds in the on call rooms, so that the tired veil muting the sharp green of her eyes would fade away. And yet he couldn't. He was suddenly uncertain of how to speak to her, and, for the first time in his life, afraid to touch her for fear she'd think he wasn't taking her request seriously. There was a real line between them now--bold and certain--where before that had only been a suggestion of separation. Derek feared that crossing it too soon would cause her to lose whatever last shreds of faith she still had in him. And so he was waiting…hesitating… Trying, he reminded himself.Derek anxiously searched her face, the lack of reply unsettling him.

But then Meredith smiled at him. "So should you," she said. He nodded, looking up as their eyes once again met shyly. It was a look filled with diffidence, as they both danced resolutely around the real issues. Meredith tucked the long strands of her dirty blond hair squarely behind her ears, finding herself confused by the memories of Derek's hands--locked closely with Addison's, and reaching up to press against the curve of her back as she kissed him--and the way in which they conflicted with the current emptiness she saw in him. She felt bowled over by the differences, and forbidden from addressing them. Biting her tongue, she moved to walk away, reminding herself that he couldn't sort his own head out if she filled it with her own worries. "I probably should…go," she said quietly, her heart sinking a little despite herself as he nodded his head.

Derek fought to keep the dejection out of his voice. "Okay."

Meredith began to move with heavy steps down the hall, but before she got far, she found herself caught up in a sudden impulse. It wasn't something she could ignore, despite her fleeting effort to resist turning back around. "Derek?" she called, rotating to find him still standing there at the end of the hall.

"Mer?" he asked, concern and curiosity instantly flooding his eyes.

"Yesterday…umm. At the doctor's…" She was stumbling over her words, and trailed off to chew anxiously on her lip.

"Yeah?"

They were supposed to pretend there was no baby. Meredith knew that, and she knew this wasn't exactly how pretending worked. But for some reason, she couldn't stop herself from continuing. Still, she spoke quickly--her words rushed, with only the barest hint of the unexpected happiness she'd felt yesterday at the end of her appointment shining through. "It went fine. Everything, um…it looks good." Derek just nodded his head wordlessly, his eyes dark and, for once, utterly illegible to her. "Sorry," she continued, her voice rapidly growing apprehensive as a consequence of his silence. "I know I shouldn't…that we're…" She swallowed hard, shuffling a bit as she spoke. "I know I shouldn't be saying things after…"

But Derek had finally found his voice, and he cut her off with a fierce shake of his head. "No… Meredith, always say things."

Her eyes drifted upward in response, and she found herself looking up into the first real smile that had crossed his face all day. "Always?" she echoed uncertainly.

His voice was as determined as it had been the first time. "Always."

She nodded her head imperceptibly, sounding soft and hushed as she agreed, saying, "Okay."

"Okay…" Derek's gaze drifted down from her face to hover over her stomach, his eyes shining wonderingly. "I'm glad everything's fine," he added, his voice as quiet as hers.

Meredith nearly choked on her words, nodding much more emphatically this time. "Me too Derek." And then they were staring at each other again--face-to-face--but quickly pulling back to their respective sides of the line they had drawn. Both unable to cross it, they simultaneously withdrew into the painful safety of awkward silence. Meredith tore her eyes from him, glancing down at the pager that hadn't vibrated, searching for an excuse. She had none, but she took a step back anyway. "I…I should go," she said for the second time.

And, once again, Derek made himself agree with her. "Okay."

As if on cue, their faces both twisted into grimaces--sad echoes of smiles that never made it to their eyes. Meredith turned slowly towards the other end of the hall, the end that was empty of Derek. She didn't want to walk away, but they had to do this. As much as she hated it, she had to do this. She could see no other means to finding her way back to believing in him. And so this time, although her feet still dragged, she forced herself not to hesitate. To not turn back…

But Derek stayed where he was, just watching her as she walked away.

-----

So yeah…that chapter. It was only split up into two parts, but it felt like it had a bunch of little scenes in it to me. (Well, I guess because it did have a bunch of little scenes. That might be a good explanation.) Anyway, Mer/Der first, because we love them. So, this was the first time they'd seen each other since they were in his office, and consequently, they both feel awkward and unsure. They have no idea how to act around each other. It's not so bad during rounds because there they don't have to speak, and they've always had this strong physical connection that they're able to sort of fall back on there. But, as soon as they try to actually interact, they're both hit with the awkwardness and their own doubts. And so they dance around pretty much everything--telling each other to get some rest, but completely ignoring the fact that they're why they can't get any rest, not mentioning Addison at all. In the end, they allude to the baby because Meredith was genuinely happy that everything was okay with it, and coudln't help but tell him. But they never flat out state that there's a baby. They didn't make any rules for how to do this trying thing, and so they're both walking blind and are very hesitant.

As for Mer/Cristina, Cristina was being rather blunt and trying to get Mer to see that not telling any of the people she works for that she's going to have a baby for as long as is humanly possible…just might not be the best solution. Because well, competitive and strenuous program could potentially conflict with the whole pregnant thing. So, Cristina is putting that above the whole host of emotional reasons behind Mer staying silent, and is trying to help her see that telling the hospital earlier will make things easier for her. But…Mer? She has Addison issues. Addison intimidates her. A lot. So, she has worked this up into a Very Huge And Also Horrible Moment in her mind, is utterly dreading it, and pretty much trying to convince herself that you know…maybe McWife never needs to know. So yep, to sum up…Mer's not being so sensible here. She's going through some denial, and has flat out decided that nobody can possibly know she's pregnant until Derek decides about the trying thing.

As for Derek and Derek/Addison. The whole thing with Mer has been stressing him out. To the point that Addison was really starting to worry that he was sick or something was terribly wrong because he can't sleep, he looks like hell, etc… So she nags him about it, but in the end just gives in, because she can tend to give up a lot of ground to Derek. And he? Is miserable. He doesn't really know what he's doing, just that Mer pushed him away and basically said that this is what she needs him to do to fix things. So he's doing it, but not really. He's more just in limbo, currently unable to actually try with Addison. His mind's caught up with Mer, and yet he's apprehensive around her in a way that's entirely new to him.

And yeah…apparently I had a lot to ramble about tonight but no good way to conclude the ramblings. Heh… Well, thanks for reading guys, and please review!