----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is Love so Hard to Find?
written by:
hikari - aozora
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
xxo0oxx
Author's Note: I apologize for the hiatus. Please forgive me. -gets down on knees- Very Sorry. I've had a horrible case of writers block. -coughcoughhack- Seriously. I've got three or four unfinished oneshots here ... one of them being a contest entry. I'm seriously lacking in my fan fiction writing ... probably making a few people mad in the process. Sorry bout that.
Um, so, yeah. Chapter five. It's done. Woohoo. Praise the Lord. Party at my place.
... No ...
Hope you enjoy. Yeah, I tried to make this one longer. I found it hard enough to make the other ones long ... then I compared them to other fan fictions. Heh. So much for that. Okay. Drama-flavor. Comin' right up XD!
xxo0oxx
Disclaimer: Yeah ... no.
xxo0oxx
Normal Text
'Thought Text'
Emphasized Text
Really Emphasized Text
xxo0oxx
---------------------
Chapter Five
Sometimes, I just wanted to hop on a plane and fly far, far away from my problems.
---------------------
Breakdowns.
Who liked them? I didn't.
But the concerned look that stained Yuna's face for the rest of the week sure didn't help me forget my little episode on the bus. In fact, it did quite the opposite. Her expression caused me to relive that moment of weekness. Every time I so much as glanced her way, I thought about it. And thinking about it made me just want to break down again.
Why did she have to look at me like that?
Nevertheless, she did, and she made sure I didn't forget it, either.
It was almost as if she was torturing me on purpose ... but no, Yuna could never do such a thing. Sweet, innocent, loving, caring Yuna. She would never think of hurting someone by her own free will. That wasn't Yuna.
Then again ... this ... this wasn't me.
So then ... who was I ... really?
I heaved a sigh. I didn't want to be like this. I didn't want to be a part of this. Things were too complicated for my liking around here.
So many problems. So many twisted, sticky problems. Unavoidable, unexplainable problems. Problems like the plague. Problems that tied you to the spot in a giant, tangled knot of other little agitations and imperfections that pestered you until you couldn't take it anymore, until you got so fed up with trying to free yourself that you gave up entirely, throwing your hands into the air in defeat and sliding to the ground to sit cross-legged, cross-armed, breathing in angry puffs that sent tufts of hair flying out of your face, only to land back where they were before, which further added to the annoyance of it all.
Oh, the wonders a great pair of scissors could do ...
Now wasn't the time to think about that, though. Now wasn't the time to go confusing yourself with all this nonsense you conjured in that strange little messed-up head of yours, Namine.
Namine.
Another sigh.
"I just don't get it, Yuna."
She bounced, leaning forward on her heels as she squatted down and fidgeted with the combination lock. "What don't you get, Namine?"
"Why things have to be so ... so ... ugh."
"So ugh?"
"Yeah, that's it." I shifted my weight to my left leg, meanwhile slipping my right arm through the other strap on my backpack, situating it behind both shoulders. I turned slightly toward Yuna, looking down at her, watching as her hand twisted back and forth, left and right, then stopped, and spun the lock to clear it again. "So very ugh."
"Uh huh." She didn't say anything for a few seconds after that. It was obvious that she was trying to concentrate, and I was distracting her. Served her right. I mean, the look she'd been giving me for the past few days certainly qualified as distracting.
Sigh number three. Then I muttered, mostly to myself, "... just don't get it."
"Well, hey, you wanna know what I don't get?"
"And what's that?" I asked, bringing my right foot up to rest pressed against the lockers behind me.
"This stupid lock. Damn, wrong combination." Spin.
I shrugged. "Nah," I said, "I have the same problem sometimes. It's not that I don't get it, it's just that there's too many combo's to memorize. You've got your gym locker, this locker ..."
"Well maybe memorization is your problem" -- she jerked her thumb in my direction -- "but I" -- she pointed at herself -- "just don't get it."
I chuckled at the comment. That's Yuna for you, trying to lighten the mood.
She spun the lock again, and I laughed. "You're hopeless, Yuna."
"Probably," she said with a smile, "but weren't we talking about your problems? You know, you still didn't get around to telling me what you didn't get."
"Oh, right." I leaned back, resting my head on the cold, painted metal. "About that." I turned my head away from her, hearing a faint click, and the slam of her locker door against the others beside it.
"About time."
I huffed, ignoring her comment. "I don't want to be a drama queen, Yuna. Really, I don't. But lately, I've kinda been feeling like one."
"Well you can be dramatic sometimes, but hey, so can everybody."
"Yeah. Drama's hard to avoid, you know? I guess it's part of life, and I just need to accept it. I just need to learn that everything isn't going to go my way all of the time."
"It's not going anybody else's way, that's for sure."
"But ... it seems like life has gotten harder, and not just a little bit."
"For everybody ..."
"Yeah, I know. But I don't know if I can handle everything life's throwing at me right now. It's all happening so fast like ... like ... like lightning, spontaneous and all over the place, you know?"
"Eh ... not really, but keep going."
One of my hands found its way to my pocket, the other to the back of my neck. "I guess ... what I mean is ... I wish I didn't have so many problems."
A stack of Yuna's books hit the floor with a thud. "You and the rest of the world."
"Hmm ... right." I let the hand on my neck fall back down to my side. "It's just that sometimes I feel like I have more than other people."
What I said was true. I really did feel that way. Over the past few years, the problems, the complications, the tradgedies just kept piling on top of me. First it was my grandmother, who fell ill, causing my mother to leave the house at odd hours of the night just to be with her. With my father working, that left me to fend for myself, left me to mature quickly. For a year, this ordeal pressed on. I saw little of my mother, for she was in and out of the house frequently and often with nothing to say. My father always returned home from work exhausted and paid little attention to me before he passed out on the sofa for the night. For a year, I was tormented, until my grandmother passed away. I was devastated, sure, but in a way, I was relieved. I thought that it was over, thought that maybe things would go back to normal.
But they didn't.
My mother, completely crushed by the loss, went into a state of depression, often waking up crying or bursting into random fits of sobs, for a year. My father couldn't comfort her, finding himself in grief as well. That left me to be the strong one. Me. A child. I shouldn't have had to bear it. I shouldn't have, but I did.
For another year, the battle raged on. I struggled at home. I struggled at school. I struggled in life. My grades were slipping, I was growing gradually more independant, more shy, more introverted, call it what you wish. I was slowly morphing into a loner, an outcast, and the world just didn't feel safe anymore.
My friends ... I was neglecting them.
They had their own problems, their own challenges to face, and yet they reached out to me. They reached out, and I didn't see them. I was too focused on my own life and my own issues to notice theirs. And they, because they worried that they were losing me, because they feared for me, tried to pull me back. But in the end, they only pushed away from each other.
It all came back to me. I was the cause of it, in the end.
I had built a wall. A wall around myself. A wall around my family. A wall around my friends. I had constructed a barrier, had isolated myself, without even realizing it.
But by the time I noticed it, it was too late. The damage had already been done. I was damaged. They were damaged.
And the thought of it scared me.
I didn't want to lose them, the friends that had always been there for me, the friends who had tried to save me and failed because I was too stubborn to accept their help. And so, in my desperation, I buldozed the walls, tore them down with force and burst through to the other side with new found determination.
I was determined to set things right again. I was going to fix what I had broken, no matter what the cost. I was going to repair the fractured relationships between myself and my companions, rebuild years of acquired trust that was beginning to fall apart all because of what I had done, all because of my stupidity.
I was going to get my friends back. All of them.
That was where Sora came in.
But that was another story, a completely different puzzle, left unsolved until much later, until I was ready to face him again.
The fourth and final sigh.
"Okay."
Yuna slammed her locker shut with such force that it caused the lockers behind me to rattle, and I stepped forward, putting my weight back on both feet. I stared down at Yuna again, watching as she zipped up her over-stuffed bad and hoisted it onto her back with some difficulty. I reached forward in a gesture, offering to help, but she shook her head. "I can handle it," she said. "'S nothing really. I've just got a lot of homework tonight."
I raised an eyebrow at the sight of her. She looked rather riddiculous, hunched over like she was, a giant heap of zippers, cloth, and books slung behind her. But that was Yuna. Master of carrying heavy loads.
I could only wonder what she'd been through to make her so strong.
"Come on," she said, gesturing to me with her left hand, as her right was clamped on to one of her backpack's straps. "We'll miss the bus if we don't hurry."
"I don't think the bus driver would leave without us," I said with a shrug, my gaze now on the ground beneath our feet, "but whatever."
"Hey."
"Hmm?" I looked up, and my eyes locked with Yuna's, opened wide and unblinking. For a second or two, she just stood there, and then she made a movement toward me, placing a hand on my shoulder, the faintest reassuring smile creeping onto her face.
"It's all gonna be okay," she said.
"I sure hope so," I said, shaking my head slightly to express my disbelief.
"It will. I promise." And she smiled wider.
Promise.
So many promises had been made lately that I was beginning to doubt their sincerity. Promises were no longer as valuable to me as they once had been. They were over-used, worn out, and so I made an effort to use them sparingly. But coming from Yuna ... that put a whole new perspective on things. Yuna could be trusted, couldn't she? I had no reason to doubt her, right?
Yet, still, something so small as her promise set my mind thinking again. I wished ... I wished she hadn't made such a promise in the first place. It was for her own good. If she had just left it at that, without the promise ... at least that way she wouldn't fall so far.
"Do you promise?"
The dreaded question.
I just stared at her and her glistening smile, the smile that mocked me and my aversion to promises, the smile that was just as over-used. But I couldn't help myself. It was irresistable, the kind of smile you just couldn't help but smile back at. And so I did.
I promised.
But then, I saw him over her shoulder.
There he was, plain as day, walking slowly down the empty spanse of hallway behind Yuna, stopping every few steps to peer into an open classroom, and I could only stare. Sensing that I was distracted, Yuna turned around, her hand sliding off of my shoulder, and she saw him. I could only imagine the disappointed look on her face as she switched her focus back and forth between me and that strange, blond-haired cousin of Sora's, who was slowly but surely making his way over to us. He looked lost, somehow, and if not that, then he had definitely lost something. Just by looking at him, I could tell, the way his eyes were wide and shiny, his eyebrows raised, how he walked with his hand in his hair, scratching the back of his head in confusion ... much like Sora would do. But his actions were different in a way. The way he moved, his mannerisms ... they were different, and I just couldn't explain it.
I was so absorbed in him that I didn't notice how close he had come to me until he spoke.
"H-hey."
I snapped out of my daze with a few furious blinks. I could only imagine how stupid I must have looked, staring at him like that. How rude of me.
"Yeah?"
"Which way ... which way did S-Sora go?"
I stared at him again, blankly, almost as if I didn't understand him. I did, plain as day, but I was somewhat ... taken aback. He spoke nervously, not because he was afraid to talk to me, but because he was unsure of himself, for whatever reason. And the way that he spoke ... his words choppy and staccato, tainted by a hint of an accent ...
And then it hit me.
His striking features ... the hushed conversation between he and his cousin a few days prior ... his strange mannerisms ... his accent ...
He wasn't from here.
"Um ..."
"Oh, sorry." I rushed to make up an excuse for my behavior. "I was just trying to remember ... uh ..."
Which way had he gone?
No, I hadn't seen him go anywhere. Which way did he usually go?
"He went ..." I looked to my left, and jabbed my arm in that direction. "That way."
"Oh, okay."
He didn't move.
"You're his cousin, right?" I asked, something telling me to make conversation with him. It was only after I asked that I realized how stupid the question was, and that I obviously knew the answer already.
He blinked, blue eyes staring into mine, and then he looked down. "Yes."
"Oh. Okay."
He looked up again, and turned in the direction I had pointed. "Um, thank you."
"No problem."
And just like that, he had darted off, running down the hallway with incredible speed. His spontaneity surprised me, sure, but I was impressed. He sure could run fast.
"Man," Yuna said, hands on her hips. "Kid sure can sprint."
I nodded in agreement. "Yeah," I said. "He seems like he's in such a hurry ..."
" ... like we should be, considering our bus is waiting ...?"
" ... wonder what he's running from."
"Probably the same thing as everyone else."
At that I turned to face my friend, face void of emotion and expression unreadable. It was just a look, a standard look. Not a smirk, not a glare, not a questionable stare. Just a look.
I knew what she meant. I knew who that comment was aimed at.
In that way, I was just like everyone else. Who didn't want to run from their problems?
Sure, I admit it. Sometimes I just felt like taking off, running with no destination in mind, running just for the heck of running and not ever turning back. Running across land, sea, and sky, running to the edge of the earth and past, running to where who I was and what I'd done were truly things of the past, running away, away, away from life as I knew it, as far as I could go.
But that was the thing. I was human. I could only go so far. If I ran, sooner or later I would have to stop running.
Sometimes I just felt like stealing the keys to my mother's car, sticking them in the ignition, and driving off. I would never stop, never turn, and when I got to the end of the road, I would keep on driving.
But cars weren't miracle machines. They were made by humans and they, too, had their limits. And if I drove off, sooner or later I would run out of gas.
Sometimes, I just wanted to hop on a plane and fly far, far away from my problems. I would soar over the seas and the cities, high above everything and everyone else, so that my problems, too, would be but tiny ants below, miniscule things that I could smash with my fist. Then, I could just lay back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
But planes, too, were imperfect, and came with their own impending dangers. And if I flew away, sooner or later I would have to land.
Nothing could outlast time.
And that boy, the one running away from us, he couldn't run forever.
After all, he'd run before, and only ended up here.
"Namine ..." Yuna was tapping her foot impatiently on the floor, head cocked to the side and countenance practically screaming "don't get involved."
But I couldn't help myself. That's just the way I was.
So before Yuna could grab my arm and pull me back, before she could stop me, I had taken off after him, running out of her reach, running toward that boy who was running away. I ran until I could see him again, until I could faintly make out his form darting away, down the corridor, in the distance.
"Hey!"
He stopped upon hearing my voice, and spun around on his heel to face me, eyebrows raised, but this time in question. He was listening.
I was out of breath. I had run faster than I had ever run before for the sake of this kid, and I didn't even know who he was. But, of course, that was all about to change.
So, between deep, heavy breaths, I managed to call out to him again. "What's your name?"
He smiled, a wide and bright and friendly smile, different from the cliche versions expressed by my friends, and he raised his hand in a quick wave.
"Roxas."
xxo0oxx
Author's Note: Mwahaha. This one was waaay longer than my last one. Sorry if it was filler-ish. It'll get better. You have my word.
Eh, so ... good? Bad? Absolutely terrible? Comments of any kind? Please.
Reviews are your best friend ...
xxo0oxx
Next Chapter: I couldn't give him an honest answer.
xxo0oxx