So…hmmm…hello again. First of all, thanks to everyone who has been reviewing. I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun writing this story, so it's great to hear that people are enjoying reading it! Now, lots of things to ramble about. Some people have been wondering when the angst shall lessen and brighter days shall appear. Well, to be perfectly blunt, that will uh…not be happening soon. We've got at least another eight chapters left in the story, perhaps closer to ten, so…we must continue to sail through the rainy clouds of angst. Actually, the thunderstorms shall get even a bit worse than they have been before we go play in the rainbow on the other side of the storm. Or something like that. (It's 5 am. I'm clearly no good at rambling weather-as-plot metaphors at 5 am. Or ever, really.) But, my point is, I'm sorry…but things are staying angsty (and getting angsty-er) for awhile. Please…stick with the angst, and don't hate me for it? I promise it will eventually get better.

Also, about this chapter… It needs a bit of setting up. We are traveling forward in time over a month. Why, you say? Well, let's take a moment to remember the level of sheer Mer/Der awkwardness in the last chapter, and then let's stretch that awkwardness on for over a month. Yes…that's what happened. Mer/Der did the Awkward Avoidance Dance of Painful Looks and Not Much Else for over a month, so we are skipping ahead because the story would be dreadfully long and boring if I wrote all that. I catch you up on the past during the story, so hopefully it should make sense. But, I'm not used to writing large jumps through time like this, so I thought I'd point it out ahead of time. And that's about it for now, please enjoy!

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There's nothing like doubt tearing your mind
To leave you muddle up and blind
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"Thank you for doing this," said Meredith as she once again shifted positions slightly, finding the curving seat of the exam table to be ridiculously uncomfortable. She tucked her hair back behind her ears, adding, "You know…with the extra work, and the whole staying open late thing."

Josh lifted his gaze from her chart, promptly shaking his head. "Don't worry. It's not a big deal," he said gently, before an ever so slightly crooked grin stretched its way across his face. "Just like it wasn't a big deal the…what's it been? Are we on six yet? Seven?" He frowned thoughtfully and scratched his head with the tip of his pen. "The past six times you thanked me," he concluded, his tone friendly and teasing as he winked at her.

Meredith just sighed and tilted her head back. "I know. I'm sorry," she muttered sheepishly. "I'm just really grateful. I mean…I was so bad about the first appointment. Technically, this should be at least my third visit right? And it's only my second, and…" She trailed off, closing her eyes and chewing anxiously on her lip. She was at the doctor's office by herself at eight o'clock at night, and doing her best to stay calm. It came in unexpected waves--the nerves and the loneliness--but, it was far less intense than it had been on her first visit. And Josh was staying true to what he had promised her then; acting more like just another person than a doctor. He kept up a nearly steady stream of conversation, punctuated with quick grins and a surprisingly warm and friendly laugh, that kept her from getting overwhelmed by the (quite terrifying) thought that she was at the doctor's because she was somehow over three and a half months pregnant. Meredith thought that sounded dangerously close to four months. It was dangerously close to four months. She lifted her head back up, staring down at the bare curve of her stomach. It wasn't anything close to large yet, and was still almost utterly invisible in scrubs and her looser clothing. Still…it was far from the flat board of a stomach she'd been used to. It now pushed out into a low and gentle, but definite, arc. Meredith frowned as she watched Josh scoot forward in his chair, moving to fit the fetal heart monitor around her middle. She closed her eyes again, feeling herself slipping closer and closer towards her tendency to try and imagine how different this would be if Derek were right there next to her, holding her hand. She had a hunch that she would like the fact that her stomach had grown, instead of finding it simply overwhelming. But, before she could get herself too worked up, Josh cleared his throat, the low inviting sound of his voice once again intruding into her thoughts.

"And what Meredith?" he prodded gently. She turned her head to the side, opening her eyes to look at him. He was bent over, fiddling with some piece of equipment connected to the monitor. She couldn't make out what it was exactly. From her position, she could just see the top of his head and the strong curve of his shoulders. She blinked thoughtfully, trying to remember what they had been talking about.

"I wanted to do better this time," she said at last. Her voice was quiet and a little embarrassed. "Only, it seemed like the only available appointments were when I was working." Meredith laughed anxiously, rolling her eyes at herself. "I mean seriously, I must have called and harassed your secretary for an appointment at least eight times the past two weeks."

Josh straightened up, hazel eyes shining with amusement. "I know. She told me," he said smugly, as Meredith's jaw dropped open, her eyes widening in shock. "I think her precise words were that I had a very trying and persistent patient."

Meredith just groaned, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead. "Great," she muttered. "I'm going to be known as one of those crazy pregnant women." Josh laughed, setting down her chart and shaking his head.

He leaned far back in his chair, folding his arms casually over his chest before answering. "Nah," he said, the laughter still lingering in his voice. "Persistent is a good thing. It's why I told her to go ahead and offer you something later."

"And thank you for that," said Meredith again, still feeling a surge of guilt over the thought that he had come back well after his usual scheduled office hours, simply so that she could squeeze in an appointment after she got off shift.

Josh just raised a hand. "No more thanking me," he insisted. "You're an intern. I was an intern. I know you've probably got some pretty hellish hours." Meredith nodded, wrinkling her nose as she remembered that she had to return to the hospital in just over eight hours. "Besides, I'm on call for labor and delivery in the main wing tonight," he continued. "So, it's not like I can go far from here anyway."

"Okay," relented Meredith. "Still I…" But Josh leaned forward, putting a finger to his lips, and flicking a switch. Promptly growing silent, Meredith titled her head to the side, her green eyes growing wide and wondering. "Is that my…" she stammered, as a soft and steady thumping sound filled the small room. "Is that the…" She shook her head, staring intently down at her stomach. "That's the heartbeat." Her voice came out in a gasp, fragile and filled with awe, as a wide smile stretched its way across her face.

"It is," Josh agreed, sounding slightly distracted as he listened carefully, counting the beats. He was quiet for several minutes, a frown adorning his brow as he scribbled in her chart, and the smile slowly slipped from Meredith's face. She found his sudden silence unnerving next to his usual talkativeness, and the sound of the heartbeat echoing in her ears quickly became overwhelming. "It's strong enough to hear now," he added at last, looking up to see that the wonder in her eyes had turned to worry. "Meredith?" he asked, quickly scooting closer to her.

"It's okay, right?" she asked in a small voice, staring down at the hand she had pressed anxiously against the soft slope of her stomach. She felt as if she had forgotten everything she'd ever learnt about medicine, and was simply lost in the sound of the beating heart, stranded and utterly unable to interpret it on her own. "Nothing's wrong?" she continued as she turned to him, her eyes nearly begging for reassurance.

"Nothing's wrong," echoed Josh in agreement, reaching out and giving her arm a squeeze. "It's well in range. It's got a perfect heartbeat Meredith."

She let her head drop back, a sigh escaping her lips. "A perfect heartbeat," she repeated, a smile once again returning to her face. The sound swung from unsettling to its complete opposite, and she found herself thinking that she had never heard anything more beautiful. "Wow," she whispered, her voice a quiet hush. "Wow…"

"I know. Pretty neat right?"

Meredith just shook her head. "No. Neat doesn't begin to describe it." She opened her eyes again, nearly beaming at him. "I mean…I've heard fetal heartbeats at work plenty of times. I didn't think this would be anything special, but I…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders. "I just…I…" she tried again, finding herself unable to put exactly what she was feeling into words. Raising a tiny hand, she wiped it across her eyes, blinking back tears she hadn't expected to shed. "Just wow," she concluded at last, her voice full of awe. "Seriously Josh, can we please leave it on forever?" He smiled and nodded his head, letting the reverberations continue to fill the room for a little longer, as he finished up the last of the notes to her chart. Meredith closed her eyes again, simply relishing the sound, and finding herself, for the first time, able to keep calm without the help of Josh's voice to distract her from her thoughts.

But finally the machine was turned off and put away. Meredith sat up, swinging her legs slightly as they dangled off the edge of the table. "Once again, everything looks good," said Josh as he reached out a hand, helping her slide back down to the floor. Meredith just nodded happily, the smile brought on by the heartbeat still lingering clearly in her features. "But about those hellish intern hours I know you're working," he continued, his hazel eyes darkening slightly. "Make sure they're not too hellish Meredith. You need your rest too."

She winced slightly, an anxious laugh escaping past her lips. "I'm a surgical intern. Rest isn't exactly a word in our vocabulary…"

"Well then you're just going to have to add it," he said, his voice losing its usual lightheartedness as he frowned down at her. Meredith shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze, and he quickly relented a bit, his expression softening. "Look, I know you want to keep your job, and do it well," he continued gently. She nodded her head, not saying anything. "And you can. I'm just saying, if you feel tired, don't push yourself too hard. I want you on shorter shifts. Take a break, and sit down for a little. Okay?"

Meredith chewed on the corner of her lip, not answering his question. "What was the heartbeat?" she asked suddenly, toying with the silver chain of her watchband, and not quite meeting his eyes.

"Meredith…" He sighed, shaking his head.

"What was it?" she repeated insistently.

"145," admitted Josh, prompting her to smile down at her stomach, patting it proudly. "But a good heartbeat is not license to disregard everything I just said to you," he added seriously, causing Meredith to blink up at him, surprised by how easily he had interpreted her thoughts. "You know that's not how medicine works."

"I wasn't…" she began, but a disbelieving smirk crossed his face, and Meredith nodded sheepishly, giving in. "I'll be careful," she said, trying to push away the thought that it would be impossible to work a shorter shift when she was still refusing to tell anyone she needed shorter shifts.

However, Josh seemed convinced, because he nodded his head as well. "Alright Meredith," he said warmly. "You can go ahead and change, and I'll see you again in another month." He started towards the door, but turned back, a look of sudden remembrance crossing his face. "Oh, and I'll be doing an ultrasound then. I don't know if you wanted the father to be there for that or not, but I thought I'd give you a heads up in case you did."

"Oh…" said Meredith, her voice coming out in a small gasp. She felt suddenly, unexpectedly bowled over by his words. "Right. Thanks." Without really intending to sit down, Meredith found herself sinking into the chair Josh had been using. She bit her lip, shaking her head slightly, just staring at her hands. Derek came rushing back into her mind with dizzying speed. Derek… Of course she wanted Derek there. However, there was the slight problem that, over the past month, they somehow seemed to have forgotten how to talk to each other. And then there was Addison…the other problem. The wife, Meredith mentally corrected herself, completely unaware that Josh was staring at her worriedly.

"Meredith?" he asked, crouching down in front of her. "Is something wrong?"

She looked up, blinking softly as she pulled herself from her thoughts to focus on him. "Wrong?" she echoed in a wavering laugh. "No. No, nothing's wrong. Everything's just…great." She shook her head, laughing again. "Really freaking great." She brushed a hand across her eyes, smiling resolutely at him; trying not to be terrified by the fact that she had absolutely no clue what would be happening between herself and Derek in a month.

"I'm sorry," apologized Josh, remorse filling his eyes as he took in the sudden change he'd caused in Meredith's manner. Propping himself up on one knee, he anxiously searched her face. "I didn't mean to upset you. It's just…a lot of my patients like to make a big deal out of the first ultrasound."

"No. It's okay," said Meredith in a small voice. "It is a big deal. It's just, you see…there's a thing. A thing where…um…it'll probably just be me. Der…" Her voice caught on Derek's name, and she cleared her throat. "Der…Derek and I, we're not together anymore. He's with his wife. Trying. That's the thing…the trying." She glanced up at Josh to find him simply nodding his head, his brow knit into a heavy frown. Meredith wasn't quite sure why she was talking, why she was explaining any of this to a relative stranger. All she knew was that the past several weeks had left her feeling so completely confused and bottled up, that now, the words had just started slipping out. "And I hate the trying," she added emphatically. "Which is stupid…because that was my idea. Although, I suppose that's typical." She shook her head, sounding purely frustrated and overwhelmed. "I have lots of stupid ideas."

"The trying?" echoed Josh, confusion evident in his voice.

"Yes," agreed Meredith glumly. "The trying. With the wife." Her expression changed as the word wife left her lips; her eyebrows shooting straight up as she turned from him, pressing her hand to her forehead. "Great," she groaned. "And now you probably think I'm a whore."

"What? No. I don't…"

But Meredith seemed to be talking as much to herself as she was to Josh, because she didn't wait for him to finish speaking. She simply continued on herself, saying, "It's not how it sounds. It's just…complicated. Seriously complicated. Addison? The wife? He never told me about her. But then she came back, and he chose her, and this…?" She glanced down, waving a hand at her stomach. "Me pregnant? Totally not supposed to happen. I'm an intern. Seriously, who is stupid enough to go and have a baby when they're an intern?" Meredith was speaking very quickly, but it didn't help to hide the fact that her voice had started to tremble. And, while she wasn't exactly crying, tears were pooling in the corners of her eyes. She blinked, and a single drop escaped to wind a telltale path down her cheek. "Well…aside from me, obviously," she continued, quickly wiping away the tear. "Like I said, I have lots of stupid ideas."

"Meredith…" said Josh gently, leaning forward to grab her a tissue. "It's not stupid." She accepted the tissue with a nod, but simply wrung it around her hands, nervously twisting it into a useless rag.

"No, it is," she moaned, before taking a deep determined breath, and trying once again to smile. "But, it's okay. Derek…he's figuring out what he wants, which is good. Slutty pregnant intern or gorgeous wife?" Meredith held her hands out in front of her, as if to create a scale for measuring herself against Addison. She let out a broken gasp of a laugh, looking back and forth between her hands. "Hard choice right?" she added cynically.

"Meredith," tried Josh once again, but she just kept staring at her hands, shaking her head.

"I…uh…when I asked him to try with her, I sort of thought that maybe he would've given up and picked me by now," continued Meredith quietly, turning her attention back to the shredded tissue she was clutching. She shrugged, chewing on her lip, before adding, "But he…hasn't."

And with that, Meredith's voice broke.

She just sat there, very small and shuddering, trying to force herself to breathe so that she wouldn't cry. But the room was already blurring with her tears, and, before she could move to wipe them away, she felt herself being drawn into a hug. Her first instinct was to tense up and shy away--to attempt to pull herself together on her own. However, the arms wrapped around her were strong and reassuring, and so Meredith simply gave in, bursting into tears as her forehead pressed against his shoulder.

"It's okay," Josh whispered softly. "It's okay." His words became a strange sort of mantra, as he didn't know what else to say. He didn't really understand the whole story as it had been told in a sudden disjointed rush. But she was slight and vulnerable, her body shaking almost violently against his, and he wanted nothing more than to find a way to lessen her obvious pain. And so he rubbed her back and let her cry, until finally, Meredith's tears slowed to a sniffling trickle. She took a deep shuddering breath, and lifted her head from his shoulder, reaching up to dry her eyes. "Here," he offered, once again passing her a tissue.

"Thanks," she whispered, moving away to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. In the time it took to dry her face, Meredith calmed down, only to have the feeling of being completely overwhelmed be replaced by a quick rush of embarrassment. "I'm so sorry," she said awkwardly, cringing as she turned back towards Josh. "Apparently I'm not only the patient who tells you way too much about her personal life when you never even asked, but I'm also the one who randomly bursts into tears and ruins your scrubs." She shifted uncomfortably, her face flushing as she offered him an apologetic grimace.

But Josh shook his head, grinning at her. "It's okay," he said lightly. "It just so happens that those are my two favorite types of patients." He winked, and Meredith found herself smiling, almost laughing even. "So no worrying, okay?"

"Okay," agreed Meredith quietly. They stared at each other for a minute, smiles still lingering on their faces, before Josh suddenly cleared his throat.

"I've got to be heading over to L and D, so if you're…"

"Fine," interrupted Meredith, anticipating his question. "Yeah. Yeah…I'll be fine." She moved towards the corner of the room where her bag and street clothes were resting, but looked up to shoot him another appreciative smile. "Thank you though for…" She shrugged, referencing her own tears with a displeased scrunch of her nose. "You know," she concluded.

"Any time."

And then, Meredith was once again alone in the silent room. She took a slow heavy breath before reaching around to unsnap her gown. Her body felt just generally shaky despite the fact that Josh had calmed her down considerably, and she hurried to dig her clothes out of her bag as fast as she could--wanting to keep herself occupied and away from the possibility of returning to tears.

Unexpectedly, she found herself hesitating as she undressed, her eyes lingering on the naked curve of her belly. Not quite sure of what she was doing, but following an impulse, Meredith slowly ran her hands down her protruding stomach. "Hey you," she heard herself whisper, her voice almost inaudible as her hands stilled over her unborn child. "Yeah, you in there with the impressive heartbeat," she added, as her mind filled with the echoing memory of that small steady sound. She smiled and shook her head, linking her fingers together. "Yeah… That was seriously impressive. Your mom's proud of you."

Meredith paused at that--a frown flickering across her face as she realized that was the first time she had truly referred to herself as 'mom.' She glanced anxiously over her shoulder, almost as if she expected someone to pop up and point out that she was being stupid, that she couldn't be a mom. But nothing happened, and her stomach felt surprisingly warm and comforting beneath her clasped hands. She chewed nervously on her lip for a moment, before taking a deep breath, and continuing. "That's me apparently. Your mom." She giggled self-consciously, but lifted her hand, patting her stomach as if to reassure the child within.

"I…uh…I miss your daddy. A lot," she continued, her voice growing small. "You probably do too right?" She closed her eyes, realizing that Derek had missed everything that she had just felt. He had missed sharing in the awe of hearing those low rhythmic beats--the first sounds of their child. The faint smile that had lingered on her face flickered and died, but Meredith swallowed hard and kept talking. "Your daddy has to make a big choice, so that's why we're not around him a lot. Okay? It makes your mom sad to be around him when she can't be with him, so that's why we've kinda been avoiding him a little. Well…why we've been avoiding him a lot." Meredith ran her hands back up and down her slightly swollen stomach, her voice dropping to an earnest murmur. "He'd be proud too though…if he had heard your heartbeat. I promise you, he'd be very proud of you. And we're both doctors, so it's pretty hard to impress us with just a heartbeat," she added conspiratorially.

She sighed, suddenly filled with a painful longing to have Derek's hand clasped between hers and the curve that spoke of their baby. "I don't know what's going to happen, little thing…okay?" Meredith smiled wanly, trying to strengthen her voice into something reassuring. "I just don't know. We have to wait for Der…your daddy, to figure out where he'd be happiest," she said quietly. "And...we want him to choose us, because your mommy loves him." Meredith hesitated for a moment to wipe the back of her hand across her watery eyes, before quickly returning it to her child. "You'd love him too. I know you would." She sighed again, adding, "No matter what he chooses though, we'll be okay. Seriously…I promise you. We'll be okay."

But Meredith shivered, and wrapped her arms tighter around her stomach--not quite able to believe her own words.

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Derek's fork glided across the perfect white surface of his plate, poking absently at his steak like some petulant child refusing to eat their dinner. The truth was, he couldn't concentrate on his dinner. He could barely taste the food, let alone take in the faint sound of violin music permeating the restaurant, or the way his wife was nearly glowing, awash with candlelight. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing here, taking Addison out to dinner. It had been some stupid idea he had come up with when he'd rolled over in bed to face her that morning, and once again found himself thickly covered by a cold and sickening wave of guilt. He wanted a divorce. He wanted out of this. He wanted Meredith. And yet, he couldn't ask for a divorce. The words seemed to linger continually just behind his lips, taunting him, kept back by the knowledge that, for the past several weeks, he hadn't done the one thing that Meredith had asked of him. He hadn't actually tried to save his marriage at all. At best, Derek supposed he could call it pretending to try, but he knew even that was stretching the truth. He had barely bothered to put up a decent show of pretending; doing nothing but sulking and brooding, taking turns between growing short with Addison and ignoring her all together. It was a strange feeling, as if the ground were slipping away beneath his feet, leaving him overwhelmed and uncertain of how to try when he didn't know how to separate his heart from Meredith for a single second. And so Derek had found himself wallowing in the overwhelmingly painful fact that Meredith didn't trust him anymore. He had lost that--apparently needing to try and save his marriage before it could be pronounced dead--in order to get it back.

In some twisted way, that was at the heart of why he was taking Addison out to dinner. They had loved--well she had loved, he would have rather stayed home--going out to dinner in Manhattan. The fancy restaurants, the frighteningly perfect place settings, the getting ready with the heels and the makeup and the solid hour spent doing her hair… He knew Addie loved this stuff. He used to take her out all the time, back when her smile was at the top of the list of things he wanted to see. And so, Derek had decided that it would be the best way to actually try. It would be the best way to make a real effort to recapture what they had lost. It would be the best way that he could guarantee himself the right to look Meredith in the eye and tell her that he had tried to save his marriage, without having to start their new fragile relationship up again on a lie--on the fact that he had never really tried at all, but simply sulked, and turned inward into his own darkening thoughts.

But here, even with the help of candlelight and a deep blue dress that made Addison's eyes pop like sapphires, Derek couldn't bring himself to try. He avoided her gaze, focusing on his barely eaten meal, as his mind drifted back to Meredith…always back to Meredith. Somehow, unexpectedly, she had turned shy and quiet around him, in a way that only seemed to increase with each passing day. It was as if they had slipped into an awkward rhythm of pretending and avoidance, in which she said only what little was necessary for work. Every time he had tried to coax more out of her, he had found himself cut off with a blunt statement of just how fine she was, and, before he even realized what was happening, she would be disappearing with some sort of excuse or another. She hadn't brought up the baby since that very first day, and Derek tried to comfort himself with the thought that perhaps there simply wasn't anything new to tell. But, he would catch the occasional glimpse of her talking in excited whispers to Izzie, her hand flitting to her stomach before she remembered where she was, and promptly pulled her hand away. And nothing was quite as painful to watch as Meredith pulling her hand away. He didn't want her to be hidden away behind loose sweaters and scrubs, as if their child were some dirty little secret not worth acknowledging. And that's why I'm trying with Addison, he reminded himself, although, even in his own mind, he thought the idea was pathetically twisted and convoluted at best. Still, Derek forced himself to look up at his wife, and found her frowning curiously at him

"Derek, are you even listening?" she asked, one eyebrow raised as she studied him over the rim of her wineglass.

He just nodded. "Yes. Of course," he said, an awkward smile stretching across his face. "How's the fish?" He tilted his head towards her nearly empty plate, causing Addison to give him a funny look.

"It's still good," she said. "Just like it was good the last time you asked me."

"Right…" Derek cringed slightly, hiding his discomfort behind a quick grin. "I was just checking Addie," he teased. She lifted her eyebrow even higher this time, but after a moment, laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Okay," she agreed, shaking her head so that the long strands of her hair went swinging--red ends skimming over pale shoulders. Her laugh was a sweet bell-like sound, not as delicate or giggly as Meredith's laugh, but still beautiful. Derek took a deep breath, forcing himself to really look at her…to look at her as if she were someone important. He hadn't looked at her like that even once since she had come to Seattle. As he stared at her, Addison slipped back into telling him some story about work, her voice soft and familiar as it washed over him. After eleven years, the sound of her voice was as perfectly memorized as the feel of a scalpel in his hand, or the taste of a good cup of coffee on a morning that just felt way too damn early. She was comfortingly familiar, he'd have to be a fool to say she wasn't beautiful, and she loved him. Derek had seen it clearly in her eyes when he had suggested going out to dinner. If he was honest, he knew it was written all over her, in everything she did. She still loved him. She was sorry, and she loved him. As Derek watched her talk, he was hit with the sudden realization of just how unfair this was to her as well. The whole thing with Mark in New York…even after that, this wasn't fair to her. Putting it on that sort of a scale made Derek feel sick anyway, as if his child were meant to be a twisted revenge for what she had done to him in sleeping with his best friend. Derek swallowed hard, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Meredith, her child, their child…that wasn't revenge. Revenge felt like something cheap and dirty, while Meredith…to him she embodied something high and golden. Something perfect, even…

And so Derek cleared his throat without even realizing it, cutting Addison off in the middle of her story. "Addison," he began tentatively, his voice low and uncertain. "I have to tell you something."

"Okay," she said, looking up and setting down her fork. She was eyeing him cautiously, her lips pursed. "What is it?"

"Umm…" Derek paused, trying to focus as his mind resolutely filled itself with images of Meredith. Meredith, with her long, usually messy hair falling over her shoulders in golden waves, with her delicate features, and the voice that spoke to him in a low sweet whisper. However, despite his countless memories of her, what came to the forefront of his mind in that moment was the look of total apprehension that welled up in her eyes lately whenever she was near Addison. He could hear her voice speaking adamantly to him, insisting that the last thing she needed was for his wife to know. He tried to imagine her reaction if, the next time she went to work, Addison suddenly knew everything. Addison wasn't exactly kind to Meredith to begin with. And, in that moment, Derek's voice caught. He couldn't spring yet another surprise on Meredith. He had done that with the sudden arrival of his wife, and it had cost him her faith in him. Despite the fact that he knew it was unfair to Addison, and that all this trying nearly made him feel physically ill, Derek couldn't bring himself to move without speaking to Meredith first.

"Derek, you're scaring me," continued Addison. He glanced up, taking in how wide and wary her eyes were, her voice trembling slightly with apprehension. And as he stared, he felt his last sliver of resolve slip away. Instead, he shook his head, and moved to assuage her fear.

"You look beautiful tonight Addie," he said at last, his words a mile away from what he had originally intended. Addison shook her head, trying to appear unimpressed, but, as she laughed, her voice was filled with pure pleasure. Derek, on the other hand, felt cold. The sick guilt that he had been longing to get rid of all night came rolling back tenfold. As he motioned for the check, Derek realized that, despite all the various justifications he kept making, he had never felt more like a coward in his entire life. He had left Meredith, alone and pregnant, for over a month for the sake of trying, and yet somehow hadn't tried at all. He was starting to realize that the reality of trying couldn't exist within a world that also held Meredith. Something had to change, but still, there he was…another night with his wedding ring still on his hand.

Derek moved stiffly--pulling out his credit card, helping his wife into her coat, walking to his car--every gesture felt tense and painful. But Addison was still smiling from an evening spent doing more than ignoring each other within the confines of the trailer, and so she tilted her head to rest on his shoulder. "We should stop at Joe's for a drink on the way home," she suggested softly, wanting to stretch the night of candlelight, and her shimmering dress, and a husband who had suddenly remembered how to say charming things again, out for a little bit longer.

He just grunted his agreement--wanting nothing more than the numb forgetfulness he could be promised with a few good glasses of scotch.

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And yeah, now…my thoughts. Starting with Derek, because he's annoying me. Personally, I think Derek is being stupid. He's getting very caught up on the same be a good guy/do the right thing complex that occupied him during the real season two. Meredith asked him to do one thing, to find out what he wanted by trying to save his marriage. And so, he's stayed with Addison to do that, but he hasn't really tried. He's sulked and been miserable over being with Addison and been grumpy and lonely and thought about Mer, and all sorts of things, but he hasn't tried to actually step back and see if what he has with Addison is something he could really miss and regret not having in a few years. That was the one thing Mer wanted him to do, and he knows he hasn't done it. It's a combination of things--simply wanting to be with Mer, feeling hurt himself, just sort of existing instead of putting in actual effort with Addison. And because Derek knows he hasn't technically done what Meredith asked of him, he hasn't left Addison. He wants to be able to tell Mer that he actually tried, and he's frustrated with himself for not being able to bring himself to try, and consequently feels as if he hasn't earned the right to have Meredith back. He's currently a big bag of mixed emotions, none of which are too pleasant. And so, he's taken Addison out like they used to go out, because he feels like he needs to physically do something to try before he can give Meredith an honest answer to the question of did you try. He gets that this whole thing is unfair to Addison as well, and he gets close to just telling her, but he doesn't want Mer to get hit with any other sort of surprise. And so, he delays once again, wanting to talk to Mer first, but…this makes him feel like crap because he knows he hasn't handled this as well as he should of.

And now Mer. She's been avoiding Derek--both trying to give him space, and honestly just hurt by the fact that he's still with Addison. She…well, in the back of her mind, she had thought maybe it wouldn't take so long. And she's kinda surprised that it has, and doesn't know what to make of that. Derek hasn't filled her in on what's been going on in his mind because they're so awkward and avoid-y around each other lately. She wants to have faith that he's coming back to her, picking her this time, but she's feeling shaken. And she's pregnant. And consequently emotional. And this doesn't make for an easy combination. She's at the doctor's for the second time, and he's still not there. And when Josh brings up the next visit, and she realizes she has no idea if she'll be with Derek then or what…it really overwhelms her. She starts to cry and freak out about it, and good ol' McBabies calms her down. Because the guy is nice and charming, and nice and charming guys know to hug you when you cry. He doesn't quite get all the details, but he listens and is understanding and comforting, which was really just what she needed in the moment. Because her friends, well...we shall see how her friends have been in the next chapter. On a slightly happier note though, Mer's starting to just fall completely in love with her child. She didn't expect the heartbeat to be a big deal, but she found it amazing. While she's hiding the fact that she's having a baby, it keeps becoming more and more real for her. And so suddenly she just started talking to her baby and calling herself mom, even though this wasn't anything that she had planned or particularly wanted. Although she's feeling very overwhelmed, and a large part of why is the baby, that somehow doesn't matter. She's nervous and apprehensive, but, at the heart of it, she just loves her baby. End of story. Still…she wants Derek there for this desperately. So, even when she's happy, there's this undercurrent of sadness to that. It's not easy for Mer, and her mind keeps drifting back to him.

And yeah, that's about all I've to say for now. Thanks so much for reading this long thing. I should have another update up fairly soon. Maybe tomorrow even. Please review!