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Why is Love so Hard to Find?
written by:
hikari - aozora
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xxo0oxx
Author's Note: I know. You people are probably wondering why I'm updating again so soon, when it took me freaking forever to get the last chaper up, why don't I make up my mind, I'm such a schizoid, blah blah blah.
Well, honestly, I had most of this written before Thanksgiving, and I had planned to post it before I went out of town that week, but some things came up, and I didn't finish it in time, so that's my excuse. Then earlier this week I was like ohmygosh, I never finished that chapter, I better hurry up and finish it or else I might be made into French toast.
Okay, so ... Yeah. Six chapters. Oh boy. Six whole chapters. Eh ... this one probably doesn't settle so good with your taste buds, because it was written in a bit of a rush, but what the heck. Eat it up XD!
xxo0oxx
Disclaimer: Um ... just no.
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Really Emphasized Text
xxo0oxx
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Chapter Six
I couldn't give him an honest answer
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"Roxas, right?"
I must have been crazy, just walking up to him like that. Completely insane. Totally out of it. But he looked so alone, the same as I was, considering neither Yuna nor Sora were anywhere in sight. It was just the two of us and the dozens of students surrounding us, darting this way and that, exiting out of these doors and those, chatting amongst themselves, travelling alone, in pairs, and in packs. But there were no familliar faces. Not one person stood out to either of us amongst the crowds. No Yuna or Sora, no Rikku or Selphie, no Paine, no Kairi or her clique, no Riku, Wakka or Tidus.
Just us and everyone else.
He looked up upon hearing his name, eyes gleaming, random strands of golden hair dangling in his face, and when he noticed the friendly smile on my face (or, at least, I hoped it looked friendly enough) he stood up straight and smiled back.
"Yeah ..."
I nodded my head once. "Good," I said. "Just wanted to make sure I heard you right."
"Okay ..." he muttered in response, with a funny little twist of his head that let me know he was curious as to where this was going.
If only I knew myself.
And then it hit me. "I don't think I've introduced myself, have I?" I asked.
He shook his head quickly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. The way he was standing, loomed over me like that, a blank expression on his face ... he looked completely unaproachable.
But I was feeling brave.
How ... completely out-of-character of me.
"I'm Namine," I said, that riddiculous smile still plastered on my face, and I held out my hand.
There was an uncomfortable pause that followed, in which Roxas just stared at my hand stolidly as if it was the most curious thing, his own arms not budging an inch. I saw his eyes dart once between my hand and my face and that stupid, stupid grin upon it, the grin that I had held so long that my cheeks were sore and trembling. The two of us just stood there like fools for so long that I was beginning to think he honestly didn't know what the gesture was ... maybe it wasn't customary where he was from.
"Umm ..." I looked down at my feet, feeling a little embarrassed, and I began to let my hand fall back at my side ...
Then all of the sudden, his hand grasped mine, and I looked back up. Our gazes met, and we both grinned happily. Just like that, I was shaking his hand.
"Nice to meet you ... Nam-mine ..."
Out of my mind.
And then the handshake was over, and our arms were floating back down beside us or folding back across the other, wherever they were resting before, and the friendly smiles etched across the center of our faces were slowly fading into nervous little grins, and the awkward silence that had fallen between us upon our first meeting was back again.
A moment passed and nothing was said. Roxas leaned backward, resting against the lockers, and looked over my shoulder into the distance. Interested, I glanced in the direction he was looking, but there was no one coming toward us, no one person that he could have been focused on. And so I assumed that he was just bored.
"Well," I began breaking the silence.
"Well ..." he repeated.
" ... how are you doing?"
I guess the tone in which I asked the question caught him off guard, because just like that the vacant expression was back on his face and he just stared at me, blinking. But then, after an impatient head tilt on my part, he answered.
"I'm okay, I guess."
"Well that's good."
"How are you?"
To be honest, I was surprised that he asked. But I couldn't give him an honest answer.
So, while he waited for my reply, I took my place next to him, leaning against the lockers in the same position I always was in, waiting for Yuna to conquer her locker at the end of the day. His eyes followed me, but I was staring away from him, at the herd of students moving through the corridor, their numbers slowly dwindling as they exited the building, and at the closed classroom doors beyond. Finally, I shrugged, folding my arms as his were across my abdomen.
"Fine."
"No you're not."
I didn't look at him, for I was frozen. I could feel my pulse quicken the slightest bit, partly in fear of this boy, for he had seen right through that lie, that perfectly good lie, as if it had been transparent. How had he done it?
But, as if the strangeness of it all had never crossed my mind, I spoke again.
"No, really, I'm fine."
Lies. All of it.
I could feel his eyes upon me for another moment or so, and I even turned to face him. He stared at me and I stared back, unmoving, facial expression unchanging, trying to trick him into believing I was serious. And thankfully, he shrugged it off, and turned his head away from me again. Yet, for some reason, I knew he hadn't bought it.
"If you say so."
Another pause, in which I brought my right hand up to my face and examined my nails, desperately trying to think of something to say to save the conversation. Then, "Do you ... like your classes?"
He raised his shoulders up to his ears and brought them down again. "Not really," he said.
I shook my head and giggled. "Me neither. Especially math. The teacher's really dull, and I certainly haven't learned anything yet." 'Way to ramble on ...'
"What math class do you have?"
"Geometry, you?"
One look at his face and I knew I shouldn't have said that. I was so used to hanging around people as advanced in that subject as myself that I had forgotten the majority of my grade was two years behind. I hadn't meant to make him feel bad or inferior -- especially not the latter -- but it had just slipped out.
"Pre-algebra," he said softly, just barely loud enough for me to hear, though compared to the volume he normally conversed at it wasn't really that much quieter.
"Oh."
That was all I could say, and it didn't really help the situation. In fact, it did quite the opposite, and we found ourselves standing in silence once more. The sounds off the hallway filled our ears -- the quick, eager footsteps of students, the agrivated slam of lockers, the wind that whistled when it slid through the glass doors from the outside world, the click of tongues against the roof of mouths as their owners talked away in English and Spanish and Korean, the thud of books against the linoleum that reverberated off of the white-washed walls ...
Such deafening silence it was.
"Japan."
Startled, I looked over at Roxas again. 'What?
"What?"
"It's where I'm from. You were wondering, weren't you?"
"Yeah, but ..." I wasn't really sure what I was going to say, so I just let my voice fade and kept my mouth shut. I didn't want anything else slipping out that shouldn't have.
"It's alright," he told me, his grin detectable in his voice. "They all want to know. It's just usually the first thing they ask."
"I guess I'm not like them, then," I said.
"No. That's good."
I took a breath, and then, "Do you miss it?"
Roxas didn't answer at first, but then he heaved a sigh and said, "Yes, but I like it here. More freedom."
"Too much freedom."
"Why do you say that?"
"'S only the truth."
"Do you not like it?"
"Eh ... depends on the day."
He chuckled. "You're funny."
"I can be."
"Then you should be."
" ... I guess."
"You guess?"
I shrugged, and when my shoulders relaxed I sighed. "I don't know," I said. "I just haven't felt in the mood for laughter lately. Life's been kind of rough, lately, but hey, I shouldn't complain. It won't do me any good."
To my surprise, he grinned, and when I arched an eyebrow in question at him, he just shook his head and said. "I didn't think you were trying to be funny. I was just smiling because I know what you're going through."
I raised both of my eyebrows, my eyes suddenly wide. "You do?" It was a dumb question, I know, but it just felt ... comforting, knowing that someone understood. I had to make sure he wasn't lying.
Thankfully, he nodded. "Yes," he said. "Lately, life's been rough for me, too."
The second he'd finished speaking, a familiar sadness began to gleam in his eyes, and I understood. Here, he was alone, practically friendless, an outsider, and I knew firsthand what that felt like. And the sudden depression that had settled upon his features ... well, I knew what that felt like, too.
Roxas ... I felt ... almost sorry for him.
That was the first thing that set him apart from Sora, but at the time, I thought it insignificant. I was still on my guard, even if I didn't show it.
I had been standing there, staring up at the boy, sharing in his sadness when I saw two figures move closer to me out of the corner of my eye. My head moved slowly toward them until they came into full view, and when it registered that the figures were, in fact, Rikku and Selphie, I quickly straightened up and moved toward them, a spring in my step.
"Hey, guys!"
Rikku was the first to look toward me, and Selphie not long after, both smiling and giggling in the customary Selphie-style, and they turned to face me. I stopped about a foot from them, smiling back, and then Rikku spoke.
"Hey, Namine," she said, and Selphie said something similar, giggling in between words. Then Rikku cocked her head to the side. "You're still here?" She was making reference to the fact that I was still inside the building, roughly ten minutes after the final bell had rung, and not on the bus, as I very well should have been. No, I had lingered here in hopes that I could speak with Yuna.
But I had long forgotten about her, hadn't I?
I shook my head. "Nah, I was just talking to ..." and I turned my head around, nodding toward Roxas, who hesitated before waving at the three of us, a weak smile briefly gracing his face. I turned back to look at Rikku, who was staring past me at the boy with slightly wide eyes, and Selphie, who, being a good deal shorter than either of us, was standing on her tiptoes to see over me.
The smile fell from my face when I saw Rikku and Selphie steal uncertain glances at each other, both of their faces vacant of expression. But the real shock came when Selphie began to rock back and forth on her feet, hands clasped behind her back, muttering apologies and hurried goodbye-I-gotta-go-'cause-Mom's-waiting's, before turning on her heel and swiftly exiting the building, no giggling involved.
When I looked back at Rikku once more, her expression was stern and her arms were crossed and her foot was tapping impatiently on the floor.
I scratched the back of my head, then reached around to grab my hair and drape it over one shoulder. "Umm, have you seen Yuna?"
She quickly shook her head. "No," she said, and then, "Have you checked the bus? She might already be on it."
"I doubt it," I said. "She never came to her locker. I've been here since right after the bell rang. She's got to still be in the building."
Rikku shrugged and straightened out. "Well," she said, "I better get going. The bus isn't going to wait for us much longer. You coming?"
I shook my head. "I'm gonna wait."
She shrugged again. "Suit yourself," she said. Then, after stealing one last glance over my shoulder, presumably at Roxas, she followed in Selphie's path, twice as quickly.
She hadn't gone too far when I called after her. "If Yuna's already there, you'll come tell me, right?"
But I guess she didn't hear me.
Sighing, I walked back over to Roxas, slouching against the locker doors once more. I shook my head in disbelief. What had all that been about? I slouched lower. "I don't get it ..."
Here we go again.
Roxas didn't ask me about what I didn't get. He simply said, "That was weird."
"You got that right," I said, chuckling. He could be funny, too.
"I'm guessing they were friends of yours ..."
And before I knew it, I was rambling to Roxas, a near stranger, about Rikku and Selphie ... how serious but wild Rikku could be, and how she could win any fist fight if provoked; how Selphie was a bottomless pit with unlimited energy, could eat two or three lunches a day and never gain a pound, and found just about everything to be absolutely hilarious; how the four of us, including Yuna, were still extremely close friends, despite everything that had happened to us these past few years ...
And that's where I stopped, for, as if on cue, the door to my Geometry classroom, which was directly across the hall from where we were standing, suddenly flew open, and out walked Yuna and Sora, books and binders still in hand.
No sooner had they looked up than they saw the two of us, standing side by side against the opposite wall, and both stopped dead in their tracks. Why the sight of Roxas and I, standing up straight and suddenly stiff, looked so suspicious to them, I had no idea, but they glanced at each other and then back at us, an action similar to the one performed by Rikku and Selphie just a few moments earlier. Finally, they became unfrozen from their places, and moved toward us again, even if it was slowly.
I was relieved when Yuna approached me with a smile, apologizing for having taken so long, saying that she had a question about the day's lesson, as had Sora. Then she squatted down and began fumbling with her combination lock as if everything was normal, nothing was out of place.
But to my left was a completely different scene.
Sora had approached Roxas with a serious, almost angry look on his face, and they were now engaged in a hushed conversation again, going on and on in Japanese. Sora's voice was abrasive, and Roxas's timid. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn Roxas was afraid of Sora ... but then again, who said I knew better?
And what reason would he have to be afraid? He had done nothing wrong, as far as I was concerned, so why was Sora so angry with him?
Then my heart rate increased as a thought crossed my mind.
Was any of this my fault?
xxo0oxx
Author's Note: Ooooh-kay. There you have it. More questioning and doubt. Yeah, there's a lot of that in life, unfortunately. I wish there wasn't, but we can't all have our way all the time, can we?
So review please. I love reviews. I don't care if you flame me, either, really. But try to limit it to constructive criticism, please and thank you.
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Next Chapter: Thank goodness for paper and ink.
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