So…let's see. Hello again. First things first, thank you all for the lovely (lovely, lovely) reviews. They are my crack. And, I'm so glad to hear that, on a whole, people are okay with the angst continuing to register at high levels on the angst-o-meter for awhile. You know, before we break out the fluff-o-meter. (Which we shall. I swear. I'll even swear it on Mer/Der's future happiness…which is a lot for an obsessed shipper girl.) Mmhmm…onto this chapter then. It's very long. Part of this is that there's a lot of dialogue, which, well, takes up more space with less words than description does…blah-de-blah…but also I just had a lot I wanted to squeeze into this chapter. Actually, this chapter and the one right before it were envisioned as one chapter when I planned out the story. However, I split them because, seriously…way too much for one chapter methinks. Anyway, they were envisioned as one chapter, which means, this chapter picks up pretty much where the other one left off. Same night, just a tad later. Yep, yep…that's all for now. Enjoy!

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If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You're not alone
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Meredith had gone home to find an empty house; the kitchen free of its usual baking smells, the low buzz of the television absent, the rooms dim and shadowed. It was empty, and in the half dark and the silence, Meredith found she kept hearing the soft thumping sound of her baby's heart over and over in her mind. And it wasn't that that was such a bad thing--there was something beautifully mesmerizing about the heartbeat. It was just that, when she thought of it there in her lonely house, it swung her mind resolutely back to Derek. And she was so tired of thinking about him constantly. Every time she saw him or thought of him, she had to fight off the urge to gasp in pain, finding herself overwhelmed by the knowledge that he still went home with Addison every night…and was apparently doing nothing to change that. Meredith supposed it was naïve to think he would have made up his mind by now, but somehow, when she had asked him to try, she had failed to realize how truly agonizing all the waiting would be. It left her feeling paper thin, as if even the slightest touch would turn her into this weepy thing, leaving her shredded and useless. And to make matters worse, Meredith hated crying. She had never been one of those girls; the sort to sob during chick flicks or cry for hours over breakups and broken nails. But now, it was as if she had no control over the impulse. Actually, she seemed to have no control over any of her emotions lately, and was continually finding herself spiraling out into hundreds of different reactions…none of which she could ever anticipate. It left her feeling less and less like herself.

And so, when Meredith stumbled upon Izzie's hastily scribbled note informing her that everyone had gone to Joe's, and would be back later, Meredith didn't head up to her room like she usually did. She simply pulled her coat on, and made her way back out to the car to meet her friends. It was what the old her would have done, and as she drove the familiar route past the hospital and towards Joe's, Meredith realized just how much she had missed hanging out with everyone there. She hadn't gone since she had found out she was pregnant--not seeing the point when she couldn't drink. But now, as she pushed open the door to Joe's, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she thought she saw the point. Just being back there felt old and normal, comforting somehow. It seemed like the perfect distraction; the chance to spend an evening doing something other than thinking about Derek. And so she smiled when her eyes finally landed on the back of a familiar blonde head.

Pushing her way towards the rear of the crowded room, Meredith came to a large circular booth where Izzie sat with Alex and Cristina. "Hey," she said, watching as all three of them turned to her with shocked faces--matching raised eyebrows and gaping mouths.

"Meredith?" asked Izzie, confusion evident in her voice. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

"Of course," answered Meredith, frowning at her. "Everything's fine." She shrugged and tossed her bag down onto the empty seat beside Cristina. Looking around the noisy familiar room, she sighed softly. "I was bored, and I miss hanging out at Joe's. That's all." Izzie scooted over and nodded her head, seeming satisfied, but Cristina just raised an eyebrow.

"Mer, you realize you're in a room designed for drinking, and can't drink?" she asked, smirking up at her friend.

"Hey, Grey has plenty of self-control," said Alex, raising his beer to her before taking a hearty swig.

"Thank you Alex," said Meredith airily, ignoring the fact that his comment had caused Cristina to snort her drink back into her own glass. "I have plenty of self-control. Besides, Joe serves stuff besides alcohol." She pulled on the hem of her coat, before pivoting sharply and walking over to the bar, determined to prove that her idea wasn't stupid. "Joe!" she called, standing up on her tiptoes, and waving as she raised her voice to be heard above the din.

"Meredith Grey!" declared Joe warmly, surprise evident in his voice as he turned around to smile down at her. "It feels like it's been forever. Last time I saw you, I think you gave me a list of fifty reasons why Shepherd's a jackass." Meredith cringed slightly, disappointed to see that, within five minutes, she found herself being reminded of Derek. But Joe just leaned forward, elbows resting on the bar as he chuckled softly at the memory. "What's my favorite intern been up to since then?"

"Oh…not much," she mumbled, shifting uncomfortably and staring down at the floor. "The usual stuff. How've you been?"

"Good," he said with a shrug. "About the same as always. So, what can I get for you tonight? In the mood for your usual poison?"

Meredith shook her head, suddenly feeling more than a little bit ridiculous. "Umm…water," she said in a small voice.

"Water?" echoed Joe as he laughed disbelievingly--taking her words for a joke. "What? You've lost your penchant for tequila? Good one Mer. Let me guess." He shook his head, grinning with amusement as Meredith just gaped at him, anticipating what he was about to say, but finding herself utterly unable to silence him. "Next you're gonna tell me you're preg…" Meredith closed her eyes, feeling as if the world were grinding to a halt, Joe's words coming out in slow motion. Somehow, an unexpected hand came to rest protectively on her shoulder, and the sound of Alex clearing his throat cut Joe off and sent Meredith's eyes flying back open again.

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, his voice low yet friendly. "Joe, I really wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you," he said, his hand still on Meredith's shoulder. Joe was glancing back and forth between the two of them; taking in the look in Meredith's eyes that seemed to fall just short of fear, and the way Alex shielded her defensively. He nodded slowly, realization crossing his face, as Alex stepped forward and passed him his empty bottle and a tall glass. "And I'll have another beer and another of whatever that fruity crap Izzie was drinking is," he added. Joe just nodded again, turning away to fill their orders.

"Thank you," said Meredith quietly, tilting her head up to look at him. Alex shrugged.

"It's nothing. You had the whole deer in the headlights thing going on. I knew somebody was gonna have to save you." He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, looking rather pleased with himself, and Meredith found herself smiling back as she nodded her head. They waited together in silence for Joe to return with their drinks, and when he did, she looked up at him, her eyes wide and pleading.

"Joe, please don't say anything…" she began, but he raised a hand, cutting her off.

"I'm a bartender, Meredith. It's my job to hear peoples' secrets, and never say them again. For the record though, I didn't hear a word." He smiled reassuringly, wordlessly passing her a water and handing the other two drinks to Alex. Meredith let out a grateful sigh, nodding her head. "But Shepherd," he continued, his voice growing curious as his eyes drifted down to her stomach. "Still making lists about why he's a jackass?"

Alex just snorted, shaking his head and saving Meredith the trouble of answering. "Dude, he's a whole other kind of jackass now." She bit her lip, but didn't comment, simply letting Alex usher her back to their booth.

Meredith slipped into her seat, a frown settling over her face as she rested her chin in her hands. "Joe figured it out," she mumbled, glaring angrily at her glass.

"Figured what out?" asked Izzie unthinkingly.

"Meredith just ordered water," answered Alex, sounding slightly amused over her choice of beverage. "Use your brain, doll face."

"Oh…" she said in gasp of comprehension, before turning quickly to Meredith. "Mer it's okay," she soothed. "Joe can know. We love Joe, remember?"

"I guess," mumbled Meredith quietly.

"Seriously, who cares who knows?" asked Cristina as she leaned back, folding her arms over her chest. "You get that this whole not telling anybody thing is stupid, right?" Meredith just shrugged, pulling her coat off and leaning forward to take a tentative sip through the straw. An awkward silence started to settle over the table, but before it could stretch on too long, Izzie spoke up again. Her voice was forcibly cheerful, and Meredith thought that actually might be worse than Cristina's continually blunt, almost abrasive, attitude towards the secrecy about the baby.

"So…have you talked to Derek lately?" she asked inquisitively, reaching forward to grab a handful of nuts from the basket resting on the table.

Meredith swirled her red straw around in the water, poking at the floating cubes of ice, before letting out a quiet, "Umm…" She shook her head and looked up, smoothing her hair back behind her ears. "Not really. I'm giving him space."

"Space?" echoed Izzie, as she shelled a peanut and popped it into her mouth, dusting off her hands.

"Well yeah," said Meredith with a sigh, resigning herself to discussing Derek for at least a few minutes, despite her resolution to push him from her mind for the night. "Last time I begged him to pick me. And seriously, that worked out real well," she continued dryly, rolling her eyes. She took a determined sip of her water, nodding decisively. "So yep, not talking to him. I am giving Derek his space. He is free to make up his own mind...his own damn decision." Meredith slapped both of her hands down on the tabletop, trying to keep her voice light and level, as if it were nothing to talk about this, despite the fact that even thinking about how he still hadn't decided was painfully overwhelming. "And, if he needs a month to decide?" she continued, shaking her head. "That's fine. Seriously. He can have a month. I can give him a month." Meredith had stopped meeting her friends' eyes, and was simply staring down at her flattened hands, her voice quiet and directed more towards herself than them.

"Mer, you get that it's already been over a month," said Cristina. Her voice was brusque and almost bored, and she punctuated her statement by taking a long noisy sip from her drink.

Meredith's head snapped up, her green eyes darkening to a stormy gray. "Cristina," she moaned miserably.

"Look, I just don't get why you refuse to see you deserve better than this," continued Cristina with a shrug.

"Yeah," chimed in Izzie. "He should have to be there to hold your hand, to go out and get you ice cream in the middle of the night just because you want some…all that stuff." Meredith shook her head, turning to look at Alex in the hope of finding some kind of reassurance that she was doing the right thing.

But he just shrugged, and agreed with the others. "You deserve better," he said flatly. "Your kid deserves better. Hell, even the She-Shepherd deserves better." He paused to finish off the rest of his beer in a giant gulp, before adding, "Shepherd on the other hand? He deserves worse. The man's got no balls."

"I just…" stammered Meredith, her face flushing. "I mean…I do want him here. It's just…don't you guys get that this is complicated?" she asked, her voice rising into a whine that was both irritated and a little bit desperate.

"It's not, Meredith," said Cristina bluntly, her eyes as annoyed as her friend's. "He's being a total McBastard to you and his wife, and you're letting him get away with treating you like you're nothing. End of story."

Meredith watched as Izzie and Alex nodded in agreement. She knew her friends thought she hadn't exactly come up with the best of plans, but the abrupt onslaught from all sides was devastating. It was hard enough just dealing with being away from Derek, and now it felt as if all of her support were crumbling and falling away from her, leaving her adrift in a mess she didn't know how to solve. She wanted them to stop this. Desperately. Before she quite realized what she was doing, Meredith had slammed her glass down hard against the table, and was glaring at them. "Can you guys just shut up?" she growled, feeling as if she couldn't handle a single second's worth more of criticism.

Her request was met with a sudden shocked silence, and Meredith realized just how angry her voice had come out. She glowered down at the dark tabletop in a haze of mingled shame and frustration, trying to ignore the pointed looks and mouthed words she knew the other three were exchanging. However, after a long minute, Izzie's voice rang out.

"Well, somebody's cranky," she teased, speaking in a low sing-song voice in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension.

But that only prompted Meredith to turn and glare at her as well. "Seriously?" she spat out. "Seriously?"

Alex quickly cleared his throat. "So, how've you been other than Shepherd?" he asked, his voice firmly sealing the topic shut. "Cut open anyone good today?"

She almost shrugged and didn't answer, but…it was Alex. He never played the peacemaker. Never. He was the type to sit back and enjoy a good argument, to egg people on to their breaking point, to cause even George to snap. Yet, there he was, trying to help her do something other than scream. And so Meredith shook her head, feeling suddenly numb, but finally managing to summon up a dull version of her normal voice. "Um…assisted on a colostomy with Bailey," she said, keeping her gaze fixed on the tabletop. She felt on edge--wanting to yell at them for not understanding, but, at the same time, not really understanding herself. Part of her knew that she and Derek were going about this backwards, inside out, flipped over, just completely screwed up…but she had to try not to care about that. It was a roller coaster gone horribly wrong; one that made her ill and miserable, and refused to let her off. Meredith was sure of that. She'd started this thing. She couldn't be the one to go to Derek and beg for it to stop. It had to come from him or not at all.

Her comment created a vague ripple of hesitant comments--the others puzzled by her mood and unsure of how to respond. After listening to several minutes worth of nondescript conversation about colostomies, Meredith forced herself to look up at her friends. Their eyes were all still watchful, as if they considered her highly volatile, and Meredith found herself searching for a way to bring the conversation out of its awkward rut. Her mind settled quickly on what had been the only real bright spot in her day, and she smiled at the memory before she even opened her mouth. "I…" she began hesitantly, as all three heads swiveled towards her. "I heard the heart."

"The heart?" echoed Alex, his eyebrows drawing together into a puzzled frown.

Meredith nodded almost shyly. "The heartbeat. The baby's heart. I heard it tonight at the doctor's."

"Aww Mer," said Izzie softly, a matching smile crossing her face. "Was it amazing?"

"Yeah," she said with an embarrassed laugh. "It was…I mean, it was this real beating heart. Inside of me, just…beating and stuff." She shrugged, grinning at the memory. "I've got two hearts."

"The baby thing?" asked Cristina, shaking her head. "It makes you disgustingly smiley." Her voice sounded cynical, but there was an undercurrent of happiness to her words that Meredith had learned to detect by now.

"Good," answered Meredith quietly, wrinkling her nose. "Smiley could be nice for a change." She glanced down to where her hands were folded over her rising stomach, once again savoring the sound she could still remember perfectly in her mind.

"Oooh," gasped Izzie in a burst of sudden recollection, her voice loud next to the peaceful silence that had developed. "How was Dr. McBabies?"

"Um…nice," began Meredith blandly, knowing that that assessment fell far short of the truth. "Josh was nice."

"Wait… First name basis with Dr. McBabies already?" continued Izzie, her eyes shining mischievously. She grinned and flashed Meredith a thumbs up sign, adding, "Impressive." Meredith flushed slightly, and stared back down at the table. The turn in conversation brought back unexpected memories of crying against Josh's shoulder while he rubbed her back, his voice low and reassuring in her ear. She smiled quietly to herself, not exactly sure what to make of that.

"Dr. McBabies?" interjected Cristina. "Who's that?"

Izzie answered eagerly, nearly gushing with excitement. "Mer's hot gynie doctor."

"Seriously Meredith? You've got a hot gynie doctor?"

"Well…" she said slowly, nursing her water. "I guess some might possibly call him good-looking."

Izzie just snorted and shook her head. "Uh…yeah, he is. Dr. McBabies? Tall, dark, handsome." She sighed, giggling to herself. "Seriously hot."

Alex groaned, rolling his eyes as he pushed himself to his feet. "And this is the part where I realize how badly I need another beer," he muttered, making his way over to the bar.

"What was he like this time?" continued Izzie, her eyes bright and mischievous, and barely registering Alex's departure. "Was he all charming again?"

Meredith shrugged. "Kind of…" she mumbled. She supposed that comforting dirty ex-mistresses while they cried could fall under the category of charming, but she didn't really want to debate that at the moment. For some reason, discussing Josh with her friends was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.

"Whoa," said Cristina incredulously, turning to stare at her. "You're blushing."

She spat out her reply instantly. "I am not."

"Ooh you are," interjected Izzie with a laugh.

"I'm not," insisted Meredith, glaring down at the table.

"It's okay," continued Izzie, waving a dismissive hand. "I'd blush too if I were paying someone that hot to sit between my legs."

"That's not the point," snapped Meredith. She didn't understand why she felt so annoyed, but the bitter residue left from the prior criticism about Derek, and now the rapid-fire discussion about Josh, were rapidly filling her with frustration. She looked up--taciturn and not even slightly amused--to find her friends smirking at her.

Izzie just laughed again. "Then what's the point? Was he too charming? Do you have a little crush?"

"Seriously Mer," said Cristina. "A hot doc? Is this why you don't care that Shepherd's still off in the woods somewhere trying with Satan?"

At that Meredith closed her eyes, suddenly feeling as if something within her had snapped. She shook her head, eyes flying back open just as quickly as they had shut. "Okay fine, I have a hot doctor," she said, her voice coming out short and angry. "And yes, he was nice, and charming, and wonderful again. But seriously people, that was not the point here. The point was the heartbeat, okay?" she demanded, her voice rising steadily. "The real freaking heartbeat!" She turned to look at Cristina, her eyes darkening as she added, "And I care that Derek is still with her. I hate it. It's killing me to be doing this without him." Meredith pushed her hair out of her eyes, letting out a heavy frustrated sigh before continuing. "But…I asked him to go back to Addison. I practically begged him to…I didn't give him a choice. And so now? I don't have a choice! I have to wait while he does what I asked him to do, so can we all just shut up about this already, and talk about the damn heartbeat?" As rapidly as her anger had flared up, it faded, and Meredith found her voice failing. She slumped forward dejectedly, burying her face in her hands as she blinked back burning tears.

"Hey…" said Izzie gently, recovering from the shock of Meredith snapping at them fairly quickly this time. "It's okay Mer. We care about the heartbeat." She reached across the table to squeeze Meredith's hand. "We really do," she repeated, her voice comforting and sincere. "It's okay." Meredith sniffled slightly, before straightening up and taking a deep breath.

"Sorry," she mumbled, feeling instantly guilty for yelling at them again. She didn't understand why she kept getting so upset. Her friends weren't exactly being any different than normal, and yet, Meredith felt as if she were constantly restraining the urge to pick up her glass and just hurl it at the wall. "I didn't mean to…" she began, rubbing angrily at the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. "I don't know why I just went all…" She trailed off, shaking her head and looking helplessly back down at the table. "Seriously. I'm being so mean, and I don't know why." She felt as if she were teetering on the head of a pin, and that the slightest push could send her falling off into a sea of myriad unpredictable emotions.

But Izzie seemed to understand completely, and offered her another reassuring smile. "You're pregnant Mer," she said simply. "It's normal. Consider this your chance to get away with being as bitchy as you want."

"Yeah?" asked Meredith weakly, the slightest flicker of a smile crossing her face.

"Yeah," repeated Izzie, as Meredith turned to look at the silent form of Cristina. She raised an eyebrow, scrunching her face up in the form of an apologetic grimace, but Cristina just shrugged.

"Bitch away," she said, suddenly smiling as she bumped Meredith's shoulder with her own. "I like my friends bitter and angry." Meredith shook her head but grinned happily, leaning forward to take another sip of her water. "But more importantly," continued Cristina. "McFetus has a heartbeat. We are thrilled about this. Seriously." Meredith rolled her eyes, starting to laugh, but the sound was cut short by an unexpected questioning voice.

"Who's McFetus?"

The three women turned to find George standing there, his eyes wide and curious, having followed Alex over from the bar.

"You are, O'Malley," said Alex with a shrug as he slipped back into his seat, new bottle of beer in tow.

"No," said George, shaking his head and frowning down at the rest of them. "You're thrilled about the heartbeat? What…there's an actual fetus?" The three women simply mumbled incoherent responses, prompting George to pout. "You guys all know something about a McFetus, and you're not telling me?" he continued, dejection filling his voice. "Izzie?" he whined pitifully.

She glanced up, biting her lip before blurting out, "Meredith's pregnant."

"Izzie!" snapped Meredith, turning to glare at her as George's jaw dropped.

"I'm sorry," she continued quickly. "But, I had to tell somebody! It's too good of a secret. Besides, it's George. He tells me everything." She was speaking in a great rush, as if hurrying to get in an apology before Meredith snapped and slammed her drink down again. "Ooh," added Izzie after a moment, her eyes lighting up. "Plus Mer, he lives with us, so it was only a matter of time until he knew. I was just speeding up the inevitable." At that she scoffed softly, shaking her head, and shooting George a look that was both amused and a little disdainful. "Although seriously, I'm surprised he hadn't figured it out yet."

"Eh…Bambi's always been a little slow," said Cristina with a shrug.

George seemed to not hear them, simply dropping down into the remaining spot next to Meredith. "You're pregnant?" he asked, his eyes still wide with shock.

Meredith groaned, pressing her hand to her forehead, but nodded her head. "Yeah." His gaze drifted instantly down to her stomach, looking for proof. Her shirt was both a little tighter and a little thinner than usual, and, without her coat on, he could see the definite makings of a round curve.

"Whoa. Yeah you are," he said, reaching his hand out and pressing it against her bump.

She just glared at him, slapping his hand away. "There will be no touching my stomach," she snapped, yanking her coat back on and zipping it up. George mumbled a sheepish apology as Alex snorted in amusement.

"Dude. You got slapped," he said, laughing to himself. "Like a little girl."

"Seriously," agreed Cristina as she reached forward and helped herself to a large handful of nuts. "Be careful Georgie Boy. You don't wanna piss off hormonal Mer over here." Meredith sighed, letting her head fall forward to rest in her hands, suddenly wishing bitterly that she had just stayed at home.

"Seriously George, you can't say a word," said Izzie earnestly, casting a guilty glance at Meredith. "Not a single word to anybody other than us."

"What?" asked George, a slight frown crossing his face. "Why?"

Alex just snorted again. "Why do you think? It's Grey and Shepherd. Clearly they're going to do this in as fucked up a manner as possible." Meredith moaned quietly, burrying her face deeper in her hands.

"Wait…and he's still with Addison?" asked George in astonishment. "Does he…"

"Because it's not our thing to tell," insisted Izzie, cutting him off, her voice still blatantly apologetic.

"Meredith wants to be stupid," added Cristina. "So this is us, supporting her stupidity. Shepherd's a bastard for going along with it. But really, what else is new?"

"I'm sitting right here," mumbled Meredith, her voice muffled by her hand, but still quite clearly annoyed. "I can hear you guys."

George stretched out a comforting hand, placing it on her shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it Mer?" he asked hopefully. Meredith looked up, very nearly snapping at him as well. Instead, she forced herself to take a deep breath, and shook her head.

"No," she said flatly. "I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to talk about Derek. And I do not want to sit here and listen to just why you all hate Derek, okay?" She looked pointedly at the other three of them in turn, adding, "I just want to sit here, and drink my stupid water, and listen to you all talk about your normal, normal lives, and leave mine alone for awhile."

Cristina snorted, shaking her head. "In that case? Whatever you do…don't turn around." Meredith simply rolled her eyes and whirled around in her seat, turning to come face-to-face with the sight of Addison and Derek walking into Joe's together. Meredith swallowed hard, willing herself to just turn back around before they saw her. But before she could, as if he had the ability to sense where she was, she found her eyes locking with Derek's. His expression was one of complete and utter astonishment, but he nodded his head slightly in her direction, as she spun back around to face her friends.

"Just…fuck me," cursed Meredith, her voice broken and heavy. "I can't handle this tonight. I cannot watch them be all them together right now," she continued, shaking her head. She slumped down towards Cristina, who slung an unexpected but comforting arm around her back, pulling her into a hug. She sighed and stared down at the messy tabletop, but Izzie was sitting up tall, straining to follow Addison and Derek with her eyes.

"Why are they so dressed up?" she wondered aloud, taking in Derek's dark suit and the blue of Addison's dress that shimmered like water under sunlight whenever she moved.

"I don't know," muttered Meredith. "To torture me?" She straightened up in time to catch Addison heading past their booth and towards the bathroom in the back, the slit in her dress shifting slightly as she walked to reveal occasional glimpses of long slender legs. Alex let out a low appreciative whistle once she'd vanished, which earned him a hissed reprimand and an elbow in the ribs from Izzie. "It doesn't matter," said Meredith, waving her hand absently at the two of them. "We all know that she is hot. She is hot, and I am…" She trailed off, staring down at her concealed stomach. "Fat," she concluded bitterly.

"No…you're very beautiful…" stammered George, but Meredith didn't hear him. Her attention had followed Derek on his path to the bar, watching as he leaned forward to order something from Joe. She sighed softly despite herself. Somehow, even in a suit, there was something slightly unkempt and unrestrained about his appearance. She had always loved that about him--as if there were something in him that was inherently rugged, and simply refused to fold within normal constraints. A part of her--the same part of her that tended to ask "Addison, who?"--wanted to push George out of the way, and just walk over to Derek. But that part of her was very small, because Addison really was just a door away. She had watched her walk in on his arm, and Derek was ordering two drinks, one for him and one for his wife. And that was hard to forget. It made the small part of her that could have possibly handled speaking to Derek just shrivel up and fall away. She now wanted nothing more than to get away from the sight of him waiting for his wife. Hell…she'd climb under the table if she thought it would help. But before she could even think to move, Meredith found herself blinking in utter disbelief. Derek had set the drinks Joe had handed him down on the counter, and had once again sought her eyes out through the crowd. He was walking with deliberate steps straight towards her table. Meredith clenched Cristina's hand without even realizing it, and strangely, Cristina just let her hold it without comment.

Derek wasn't exactly sure why he was walking towards Meredith. His feet started moving before his mind had fully formulated a plan. He knew it was odd to come up to her now, when she was clearly out with her friends, and when they had spent well over a month dancing large awkward circles around each other. But that didn't seem to matter. He kept walking. All he knew was that she was there, sitting with her hair all aglow like ribbons of gold despite the dim lighting. It was the last place in the world he'd expected to find her now that she was pregnant, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like some sort of perfect coincidence…like fate, even. They had met here at Joe's, and now, on the night when he suddenly felt as if he wouldn't be able to breathe if he wasted another minute apart from her…there she was. It was his chance to fix everything he hadn't been able to do in the restaurant. He wasn't the sort of guy to believe in signs, but this, this seemed like a sign. It seemed like something undeniable. With every footstep, Addison became something more and more distant--he forgot that she had only gone to the bathroom, or perhaps he simply didn't care anymore. All Derek knew was that each step brought Meredith closer and clearer to him, and that that was what he wanted--to go to her, to be free to go to her. And by the time he had made it to her table, he had decided. Well, he supposed that he hadn't technically decided. He had always known that he wanted Meredith. But now that phantom desire had crystallized into something concrete. Now he wanted nothing more than to tell her that he was going to put an end to all the hiding, so as not to miss another moment with her and their growing child.

However, the decision in his heart had yet to find an eloquent path to his mouth.

"Meredith," he began quietly as he reached the circular booth where the interns were seated. Instead of being greeted by the usual warmth of her smile, he found himself suddenly faced with four pairs of unfriendly eyes, while Meredith's remained focused on the table.

"Hi," she said, still without looking up, her voice very soft and flat.

"I…uh…didn't realize you'd be here," he continued, slightly taken aback by her reluctance to even meet his gaze. At that, Meredith did lift her head, her usually bright green eyes a steely gray as she looked at him.

"Yeah well…" She shrugged, jerking her head towards the bathroom. "Sorry if I'm interfering with your date."

"What?" asked Derek, raising his eyebrows in genuine shock. "No. It's not a…you're never interfering," he said with a grin that failed to make her smile. She was staring emptily up at him, and Derek shook his head, trying to lessen the hurt in her eyes, and explain that he couldn't care less if Addison saw them together. He had simply been surprised to see her here. "It's just…Joe's?" he continued, gesturing around the crowded room. "A bar? I didn't know you came here now, since you can't…"

"Drink?" snapped Meredith, cutting him off, and Derek found himself wincing at the wealth of anger in her voice. "Yeah. I know that, thanks. I can't absorb the alcohol by osmosis Derek. I'm here to spend time with my friends, and Joe actually will serve water if you ask him." She felt unusually fragile, and she turned away from him once more, not understanding why he was doing this. It felt painful enough waiting around while he sorted out what he wanted; trying not to mind that he never made even the slightest mention as to how things were going with his marriage, but simply left her continually wondering in the dark. But to have to suddenly try and have some sort of civilized casual conversation with him after over a month of silence, when he was so clearly on a date with his wife… Meredith closed her eyes, finding it close to unbearable.

"That's not what I meant," said Derek, glancing around at the other interns. They had all grown utterly silent, and were looking back and forth between the two of them as if this were some sort of tennis match. He wished that they would leave already, and let him talk to Meredith…to explain to her that he couldn't even pretend to try anymore. That he wanted to talk to Addison, and call this whole stupid charade quits. But none of her friends seemed to show even the slightest inclination to give them some privacy, and when Meredith spoke again, her voice was deathly quiet.

"I don't care what you meant," she said, taking a deep breath and turning to face him, her eyes raw and injured. "Right now…can you please just go away?"

Derek simply blinked at her in astonishment. "Meredith…" he began, unable to keep the hurt out of his own voice. "Can we just talk first?"

"We are talking."

"I know, but…privately?" he asked, his voice growing hopeful. Meredith looked at him disbelievingly, unable to imagine what he could possibly want to discuss when his wife was probably mere seconds away from returning.

She tilted her head slightly towards the direction of the bathroom. "I wouldn't want you to keep Addison waiting," she said cooly, making her voice as distant as possible in an attempt to numb the pain inherent in what she was saying. And it was then that Derek realized she didn't have even the slightest intention of getting up.

"Meredith…" he tried once more, casting another glance at the other interns, hoping that perhaps they would relent instead and grant him a minute of privacy with her. However, their eyes were all dark and occasionally spiteful--none of them about to move without a sign from Meredith, who was giving them no such indication. "Mer…please," he asked again, still blindly hoping that they could somehow end all of this hurt tonight, despite the fact that Addison was just around the corner, and there was no logical means for them to have this conversation in the middle of a bar without causing some sort of scene.

Meredith shook her head imperceptibly, setting her glass down on the table with a heavy thud. "Derek, don't." She felt herself once again teetering on the verge of too many emotions, and she bit her lip hard to keep from bursting into tears. "Just go," she hissed, her voice wounded and angry, and rising slightly as she spoke. She saw the sudden burst of pain she caused in Derek through the darkening of his eyes, but even as she wanted to reach out and soothe it away, her mind swung back to the memory of Addison walking by in her sparkling fabulous dress, and she felt nothing but confused. They stared at each other for a long time; Meredith unable to find further words to get him to understand that she felt too overwhelmed at the moment to have any sort of conversation, and Derek completely unwilling to admit to a second failure that night by walking away from where she was. A tense and heavy silence settled over the table, as they seemed to argue with their eyes alone, until Izzie finally spoke up.

"Seriously Dr. Shepherd," she said, her voice full of a determined cheerfulness that her friends recognized instantly as fake. "She's very moody tonight, so you probably should just leave her alone right now." Meredith rolled her eyes at that, but didn't bother to contradict her.

Derek nodded slowly, still not seeming inclined to leave. "Okay. But Mer…just for a moment, can we," he began, but Meredith let out a small pitiful moan, feeling unexplainably close to tears, and he found himself suddenly interrupted by Alex.

"Just stop," he said, his voice low and clearly angry. He looked pointedly at Meredith's slumped form, her eyes dark and veiled, her chin propped up with her hands. "You're hurting her. How are you not grasping that whatever it is you want to say to her? It will have to wait. She can't handle it right now. She asked you to leave." Alex had stood up from his seat to glower at Derek, adding, "So try for once in your life to be something other than a total jackass to her, and let her be." Izzie reached up, pulling on Alex's sleeve as she whispered at him, aware that, regardless of everything going on, the man in front of them was their boss.

But, despite the sudden glint in his eye, and the urge to perhaps punch Alex, Derek nodded his head and stepped back with a terse, "Fine." He turned once more to Meredith, his eyes drinking in exactly what Alex had just said--she looked crumpled and bruised, as if she were hovering on the verge of tears. Derek wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, and to fill her with promises that wouldn't break this time. He wanted to be the one to make her whole, but her friends were like a wall around her, refusing to grant him entry. They were utterly impenetrable, and he knew that he should admire their devotion to her, despite the fact that it currently stood in his way. They had been there for the past month when he couldn't say the same for himself.

Derek sighed heavily, realizing that it would have to wait a day. It can wait a day, he reassured himself silently. Tomorrow would bring work for the both of them, and within the walls of the hospital, they could find a moment of privacy. He could have his chance to make things right tomorrow. Despite the fact that waiting any longer sounded bitter to him, Derek finally resigned himself to it. Still, his eyes lingered on her for a long time, his voice growing infinitely gentle as he said, "But Mer…whenever you're ready, I think we should talk." She just nodded weakly, not meeting his eyes. And so, with a final curt nod to the others, Derek turned and walked away. He intercepted Addison on her way back from the bathroom, and within a few minutes, they were walking back out towards the parking lot, leaving their drinks untouched on the bar.

When they had vanished, Meredith simply moaned again, feeling utterly shaken and unable to properly process all that had just happened. She leaned forward, her forehead coming to rest against the tabletop. "Derek wants to talk to me," she murmured, her voice low and almost lost beneath the din of the bar. "That could be a good thing. Except he now goes on really fancy dates with Addison."

"With Satan," corrected Izzie, and Meredith let out a snort of laughter that sent a strand of her hair fluttering.

She shook her head, wincing slightly as she rolled against a discarded peanut shell. "Yes," she murmured. "Fancy dates with Satan. So…do people tend to divorce over five course meals…or trips to the opera…or whatever they were doing…you know, celebrate the divorce?" Her question was filled with a thin strand of hope, but it was met with replies that, while equally hopeful and encouraging, were decidedly vague and uncertain. "Yeah," continued Meredith tiredly, still laying on the tabletop. "Probably not. People tend to have sex after fancy dates though." She lifted her head up ever so slightly, looking at her friends out of one eye. "Oh god, I hope they're not having sex right now," she said, almost more to herself than the others. She let her head drop back onto the table, letting out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob, as she covered her eyes with her hands. "This was stupid," she muttered. "This whole thing… It's so stupid."

"Glad to see you're finally coming around to my side," said Cristina, and Meredith let out another dejected laugh that trailed off into silence. None of the others said anything, but simply sat there, watching her.

"I miss him," she added at last, unable to stop the words from slipping out despite the fact that she had just refused to talk to him, and was sure they all hated Derek. Meredith bit her lip, trying to brace herself for the barrage of insults she was sure would follow. But instead, she only felt four different pairs of hands reaching out--ruffling her hair, squeezing her arm, pulling her into an awkward sort of hug.

"We know," came the reply; four voices somehow blending simultaneously together. And then Meredith finally straightened up, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she blinked back unshed tears, fixing a determined smile on her face.

She could do this. Whatever tomorrow meant, whatever talking to Derek meant, she could do this. Because, in spite of everything, she had the four people in front of her to hold her up. Meredith looked in their eyes and she saw it written there.

They weren't leaving her alone.

-----

So phew…I feel like this chapter went all over the place in terms of Meredith and her emotions. Let me ramble about her then, as it was primarily all about her. She starts off fairly optimistic, wanting to distract herself from her problems and just sort of pretend that everything is like it used to be in her old normal life for awhile. However, there's so much that she is avoiding and refusing to deal with, that it ends up not being that easy to go back to being her old self. Because well, she's hiding the fact that she's pregnant, and both George and Joe find out in the same night. She's worked the whole secrecy up into this enormous thing in her mind, and so the more people know about it, the less control there is over the secret, and that really unsettles her. And then, she's got her friends. Personally, I love the group of interns. Because, well, they're there for each other. And Mer is currently their weakest link, the one needing the most protecting. And so, they basically circle the wagons around her. It's strongest when Derek shows up because, by now, they all pretty much think he's an ass. (Yeah, George was a bit out of the loop. But come on, he's always out of the loop.) Still, even while they unquestioningly stick by Mer and are loyal to her over her whole plan to not tell anyone, they think she's doing the wrong thing. And they let her know it…perhaps a little more bluntly than Mer can put up with right now. Because…she knows they're right. She knows she's turned this into a giant mess, but she doesn't know how to get out of it without asking Derek for it to end, which she refuses to do. So, she's stuck in it, and they're also none too kind to Derek. On the one hand, she's plenty mad and hurt thanks to him. But on the other, she's utterly in love with him…so hearing her friends just bash him? It hurts her. And, on top of all that, she's got Izzie and Cristina teasing her about McBabies. Which wouldn't be so unusual save for the fact that she just spent her earlier evening crying on the guy's shoulder, and suddenly, she doesn't take their teasing so well.

So, in the end, she gets upset several times. She's got her friends ganging up on her in an attempt to get her to stop being stupid, and she's already feeling overwhelmed, so she goes off on them. More than once. And feels guilty about that too, as well as frustrated over her own inability to react the way she used to. She's moody, and sick of crying, and is just exhausted from all of these emotions that she's unable to predict or control very well now that she's pregnant. So, by the time Derek gets there, her plans for an evening of being old Meredith have completely fallen apart, and instead she's just feeling raw and overwhelmed. And then he's with Addison. And they're dressed up, and it's too much for her. She can't think of what he could possibly have to say to her while he's in the middle of some fancy thing with his wife, and is just too emotionally drained to bring herself to get up and walk away from the support of her friends despite the fact that what Derek wants to tell her would be just what she's been dying to hear. Mer's so overwhelmed by this point, that she can't even believe in that as a possible scenario. And so she clings to her friends, and they're there to catch her.

And Derek…he finally made up his mind. But then went on to be a blunt and blustery manly man, all I want to talk to Meredith. I want to do this now. Now, I say! And really, that? Not so sensible. He's in the middle of a bar, his wife is just around the corner, Mer is close to falling apart. It would make a huge scene to say the least. And he gets completely shot down by Mer's friends, especially Alex who has a brotherly vibe towards Mer, and just can't stand the way the guy has been treating her, and is once again putting his need (to talk to her) above her very obvious need to just be left alone at the moment. And you know, Der needed a wee bit of a yelling at. So yep, that was that. Hmmm…this was a freakishly long ramble. I do apologize for the sheer length of the ramble! And thank you so much for reading, hope you guys enjoyed!