Sooo…new chapter. First of all, a friendly word of warning about this chapter. (If you don't want to be warned, just skip down to the next paragraph of me rambling, or…you know…skip straight to the story. Heh…) Anyway yes, because I personally hate anticipation when followed by disappointment, I thought I'd point out that this chapter is not the chapter I think a lot of people wanted. You know, the post-Derek-decision thoughtful, profound and loving conversation between Meredith and Derek about what they've been doing, what they're going to do, etc… This chapter? Is not that. At all. That is coming up before too long, however…if that's what you're hoping for…you may hate this chapter a teensy bit. Or you know, a very large bit. Who knows? I suppose we shall have to read to find out. (Have I built up the angst suspense to suitable levels yet? Hee...I hope so.)

Anyway, yes…a few other things to point out. Well, one thing to point out, really. My story picks up right before the Thanksgiving episode in the actual GA world, and while it's clearly an AU from that point onward, we are in the same general seasonal area. My point is that Christmas is referenced in this chapter. We passed Christmas at some point during that long sad month and a bit where Mer/Der weren't really talking, and it didn't get its own lovely chapter because well…it would only serve to depress the story further and not move it forward. However, it's currently sometime in January, and someone makes a comment referencing Christmas, so…just so you're not all and say what about that…it happened. The story simply flashed past that. Oh and obviously, it was an AU Christmas. Not the same one from the show…well, except for Izzie's Izzie-ness. Because seriously. The girl loves herself some Christmas.

And yeah, that's about it. Thanks again to everyone who has been following this story. And, extra double thanks to those of you who've been kind enough to leave reviews. I love my reviews with a ridiculous unhealthy love, and so thank you, because ridiculous unhealthy loves are clearly the best sort of loves. That's all for now, enjoy!

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And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross
And if you do, you wake completely lost
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Meredith felt as if she had spent the entire morning swinging back and forth between a shaky sort of anticipation and utter apprehension. Every time she rounded a corner or walked onto an elevator, she was half expecting to see Derek there, and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. She supposed that whether or not she was okay about talking with him really depended entirely on what he wanted to talk about, and the fact that she didn't know for certain what that was had fixed her to a swinging pendulum of extremes--flitting back and forth between hope and anxiety. Either way, they hadn't yet crossed paths In fact, the elevator she was on was curiously empty, for which Meredith was grateful. It allowed her to slump against the back wall, as she tried to balance on one foot and slip the other out of its shoe. She sighed as it was finally released from its constraints, reaching a hand down to rub its aching arch. As if to complement the shifting feelings over perhaps finally talking with Derek, her body had suddenly decided to feel unbearably sore. She felt as if she had been working twenty hours instead of just six, or perhaps had spent the night on the floor instead of in her bed. Moaning quietly, she arched against the wall, and moved her hand from her foot to her lower back. The dinging sound of the elevator arriving at its destination pulled her from her stretching, and Meredith straightened up with a sigh, giving a self-conscious pull to her scrub top. As she shuffled off the elevator and onto the floor, it wasn't Derek she found herself face-to-face with, but rather a familiar yet unexpected sight. Standing just past the elevators was a tall man in dark jeans and a leather jacket, frowning in confusion at one of the convoluted hospital maps posted on the wall.

"Josh?" called Meredith questioningly as she walked the few steps over to where he was standing. He straightened up in surprise, smiling when he caught sight of her.

His voice was warm and friendly. "Meredith."

"What are you doing here?" she asked curiously. She had been afraid that it would be awkward to see him again after bursting into tears in front of him the night before, but his easy smile instantly destroyed that possibility. Meredith ran a hand through her hair, suddenly smirking as she looked up at him. "Are you stalking me?" she added, her voice light and amused.

Josh grinned and shook his head. "Well, I'm here for two reasons," he said. "The first is a favor for a friend of mine who works here. He's doing research on preeclampasia, and has been hounding me to give him my opinion on the paper he's writing." He paused as Meredith nodded thoughtfully, and shot her another grin. "The second reason is, of course, to stalk you." Her murmur of understanding and agreement contorted into a surprised gasp at that, and she shook her head, laughing at him.

"Good, good," she answered at last, rolling her eyes. "I've always wanted a stalker."

He just laughed in response. "No actually," he continued after a moment, his voice growing serious. "The favor for my friend could've waited another day or so, but I was hoping I might run into you."

"You were?" asked Meredith in astonishment, her eyes wide and puzzled.

Josh shrugged. "Well yeah," he said simply. "I wanted to see how you were doing. You seemed pretty shook up last night."

"Oh…" Meredith flushed slightly, and looked down at the ground. "Yeah…I was, I guess." She gave a small half shrug, fixing a resolute smile on her face as she glanced back up at him. "I'm good now though," she said determinedly. "I'm fine."

"Right. Fine… That's good," said Josh, nodding his head as if in agreement. He paused for a second before raising an eyebrow. "Know what a good rule of thumb amongst doctors is?" he asked, and Meredith just frowned, confused by the sudden change in topics.

"Umm…no," she said, shaking her head.

"Our patients like to lie."

Meredith laughed disbelievingly, once again shaking her head at him. "That would be a statement, not a rule," she corrected airily.

Josh shrugged, a smug smile playing across his face. "Maybe," he agreed. "But it's true."

"It's not…" began Meredith, only to find his warm hazel eyes darkening incredulously. "I'm fine," she spluttered, but found herself quickly giving in under his expectant look. "Okay, maybe I'm not fine," she admitted grudgingly. "But, I am better than I was yesterday."

Josh nodded slowly, saying, "Fair enough."

"Yeah…" Meredith spoke softly, her voice trailing off into silence. They both looked down, staring at the floor that stretched between them, until she suddenly cleared her throat. "I go crazy like that all the time now," she admitted with a frustrated sigh. She wrinkled her nose, rolling her eyes at herself, as she added, "I'm this freaking emotional wreck."

"Hey, it's okay," said Josh reassuringly, taking in her worried expression. "That can often happen when entering the second trimester."

Meredith suddenly bit down on her lip at his words, glancing over her shoulder at the not exactly empty nurses' station a few feet away. "Don't say that," she hissed in a low voice.

Josh just laughed, grinning at her. "It's not the end of the world Meredith. It should balance out after awhile. Consider it just an unfortunate side-effect of being pregnant, and don't worry about it so much."

Meredith shook her head, her eyes serious as she repeated, "Don't say that," her voice growing more and more uneasy. She took him by the elbow, quickly pulling him off the floor and into the far more secluded stairwell. By the time the door closed behind them, Josh looked positively bewildered. Meredith sighed and let go of his arm, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "You haven't told anyone here," she began apprehensively.

"Told anyone what?" he asked, his brow drawn into a heavy frown.

"That I'm pregnant," she muttered in a low voice. "Have you told anyone here that I'm pregnant?"

Josh gave her a funny look. "Well no," he said. "I'm not allowed to just randomly discuss your medical history."

'Oh right," gasped Meredith, wincing visibly. "I knew that. Crap." She turned and shot him a forcibly cheerful smile. "Never mind. We can go back outside now." She headed quickly towards the door, but Josh didn't follow.

"No," he said slowly. "Wait a minute. You're hiding something."

Meredith's response was immediate, and visibly flustered. "I don't want to talk about it." As she stayed still, staring at the door, a look of shocked realization crossed his face.

"Jesus Meredith," he muttered. "Nobody here knows, do they?"

Meredith shrugged apologetically. "Some people know," she said in a small voice.

"Meredith," began Josh with a frustrated sigh. "You work in a hospital--long demanding hours in a high stress environment. Often in potentially dangerous situations. How do you expect to…" His voice trailed off as he took in the closed off look in her eyes, and the way she was staring pointedly at the floor. "You're not going to listen to a word I say, are you?" he asked quietly. Meredith didn't meet his eyes or open her mouth to speak, but she gave a small shake of her head. "Is this because of the whole…" He waved a hand through the air, and Meredith grudgingly looked up.

"Long sobbing story I told you yesterday?" she muttered, taking in his frown. Josh nodded, prompting her to nod in response. "Yep," she said bitterly.

He ran a hand through his hair, his expression softening along with his voice. "You realize people will have to find out eventually?"

"Yes," snapped Meredith, her eyes flashing and her voice suddenly sharp. "The key word being eventually, not now." She appeared to be on the verge of storming away, but instead slumped down to sit on the stairs, her head falling forward to rest in her hands.

"This is really upsetting you, isn't it?" he asked quietly. Meredith nodded without lifting her head. At that, Josh sighed and simply sat down on the stairs as well. She didn't move to say anything, and so for a long time, they sat a few steps apart in silence. He was frowning and staring down at the floor, his eyes flickering between frustration and compassion. "You do understand that, physically, it would be better for both you and your baby to tell people sooner?" he asked at last. Once again, Meredith's only response was a nod of her head. "Good," he continued, scooting up to the step she was seated on. He reached into the deep pocket of his leather jacket, pulling out a rumpled plastic package of gummy worms. "Here," he said simply, after wordlessly ripping the bag open and tilting it towards her.

At that, Meredith finally looked up, fixing him with a puzzled frown. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"They're good," said Josh--as if that were enough explanation--reaching into the bag and helping himself to a handful. Meredith's hand twitched slightly towards the direction of the candy, but remained resting in her lap. Instead she raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"You don't want to continue making me feel guilty with your stern doctor lecture?"

Josh shrugged. "I could," he agreed. "But I can already tell that you're determined not to listen to anything your doctor says. So, have some." He tilted the bag once more in her direction. "Right now, you look like you could just use a friend." Meredith smiled forlornly, but reached her hand into the offered bag, pulling out a single worm. It tasted surprisingly sweet, and did wonders to relieve the aching pain in her stomach that had been reminding her that she hadn't eaten since five that morning. Her smile brightened slightly, and she stretched her hand out again, grabbing a larger handful. They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes as the tension within her body gradually lessened.

"I didn't realize the doctors of Mercy West endorsed such healthy food choices," said Meredith at last, an unexpected smirk playing across her lips.

"Shocking, isn't it?" answered Josh, leaning forward and grinning at her. Meredith just laughed and nodded, her gaze drifting from him down to the floor. As she ate, her eyes landed on his socks, and she let out a snort of disbelief.

"What is it?" asked Josh curiously.

"Nothing," said Meredith quickly, shaking her head but grinning widely. "It's nothing."

Josh just frowned at her. "No, it's something. What is it?"

"It's just…your socks," admitted Meredith with a sudden giggle. He looked indignantly down at his feet.

"What is wrong with my socks?"

"Nothing," repeated Meredith. "They're…uh…cute." She grinned at him again, but Josh was still looking slightly put out, and so she moved to explain. "It's just," she began, waving her hand. "You're this fancy doctor, who works in a fancy office, and is wearing this fancy coat. And…" She leaned forward, taking another look at his socks and wrinkling her nose. "You're wearing what I think are argyle Christmas socks, with what appears to be some sort of reindeer or squirrel-like creature on them." Meredith giggled, and shook her head. "I mean…seriously?"

Josh let out an amused bark of a laugh. "Reindeer or squirrel?" he asked disbelievingly.

Meredith shrugged, her voice light and blithe. "Well I was going to go with squirrel, but they're red and green, so I figured I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Throw a reindeer in there."

"Right, right," answered Josh, nodding as he chuckled softly to himself. "I happen to be horrible at doing laundry, and my mom sent them as a Christmas present so…" He looked up, smirking at her. "Thought I'd be a good son, and wear them at least once." Meredith found herself smiling and nodding in response to his explanation, reaching forward to grab some more gummy worms. There was something nice and freeing about just sitting on the stairs with someone who wasn't so deeply entrenched in the mess her life had become as her usual friends. She thought she might actually be feeling something close to happy, or, if not happy, at least reasonably content for once.

"How was your Christmas?" she heard herself asking, wanting to extend the comfortable conversation on for a little bit longer.

"Oh," said Josh, groaning and shaking his head. "I actually spent it delivering several babies."

"You had to work," said Meredith sympathetically, and he nodded. She looked down at her shoes, shrugging her shoulders. "I wish I had worked on Christmas," she mumbled.

"You got the day off?"

Meredith nodded and wrinkled her nose. "Surprisingly."

"And you'd rather have worked?" continued Josh, sounding more than a little disbelieving.

She just nodded again. "It wasn't exactly a great Christmas." She looked up in time to catch the inquisitive light in his eyes.

"Why?" he asked gently, prompting her to shift uncomfortably and stare back down at the floor.

"This has the potential to be another long sobbing story," warned Meredith quietly, half expecting him to turn away. However, Josh just grinned at her once again.

"It's okay," he said lightly. He ran a large hand down the smooth black leather of his sleeve, smirking proudly. "My coat happens to be waterproof." At that, Meredith found herself laughing, the words to her story somehow coming easily to her lips.

"It was just a crappy day. Izzie…she's my roommate. My roommate who thinks you're cute, by the way," she added, the information slipping out before she realized exactly what she was saying. Meredith hesitated and turned to look at him. Josh had flushed slightly, an embarrassed smile spreading across his face, but he nodded for her to continue. "So yeah, Izzie," she resumed awkwardly. "She was baking all of this gingerbread. I mean seriously, just loads and loads of gingerbread. I used to like gingerbread. But apparently, the baby hates it." She wrinkled her nose at the memory, glancing down at her stomach. "The smell was all over the house, and I could barely go out of my room without getting sick." She shrugged and glanced at Josh out of the corner of her eye, adding, "It didn't exactly make for a great day."

Josh frowned, his expression curious. "How come your roommate with the questionable taste in men wouldn't stop with all the gingerbread?" he asked as a slight smirk curved the corner of his lip upwards.

Meredith laughed and shook her head. "I didn't ask her to," she admitted with a shrug. "Apparently, Izzie really likes Christmas." She scrunched her face up as she remembered the overwhelming experience that had been the holidays with Izzie, adding, "A lot."

"Ahh," said Josh thoughtfully.

"Yeah," continued Meredith. "She really wanted to make this gingerbread house…palace…thing. So, whatever. I wasn't exactly in a mood to celebrate anyway. And so, I cried a humiliating number of times over the fact that Derek was having Christmas with Addison, and watched bad TV in between rounds of rushing to the bathroom to throw up." She raised her eyebrows sardonically. "It was fun. Seriously."

Josh laughed in response to her expression, but as the laughter faded away, his eyes turned thoughtful. "You're really hung up on this Derek guy huh?" he asked, his voice surprisingly gentle.

Meredith shrugged, smiling weakly. "Well, I'm having his baby," she said quietly. "I think that tends to happen." She turned to look at Josh, but his eyes were expectant, prompting her to continue. "It's just…with this whole waiting thing," she stammered, shaking her head. "And Addison. I mean, how am I supposed to compete against Addison?" That earned her a very puzzled frown from Josh, and Meredith sighed, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she looked at him. "She's just…really great Josh. I mean, it's like when you're a little girl, and you're dreaming about what you'll be like when you grow up…you don't think of someone like me." She gestured down at her wrinkled scrubs and scuffed shoes, unconsciously raising a hand to smooth her tangled waves. "You want to be someone like her. Gorgeous. And tall," she added longingly. "And she's intelligent and put together and stylish…you know, not plain at all. Striking," continued Meredith, laughing awkwardly. "I get exactly why Derek married her. Seriously…I'd marry her if I were him." She looked down again, fidgeting with the scrub top that was thankfully still just loose enough to hide her stomach. "Plus," she added glumly. "She has the benefit of not swelling up to freakish proportions within the coming months." Meredith looked away, staring at the floor. She didn't like thinking about how, at the core of it, it was her against Addison. It was intimidating…to say the least.

Josh just let out a heavy sigh, turning to study her slouched form. "Frankly," he said, his voice blunt and sincere. "The guy's an idiot if he doesn't want to be with you."

Meredith turned to look at him--eyebrows raised in disbelief--and as she did, she realized just how close they were sitting. She shifted self-consciously, glancing quickly back down at her hands. "Seriously?" she asked, her voice unusually soft and embarrassed, secretly a bit ashamed over how desperately she wanted to believe him.

"Seriously," he agreed, his voice low and warm. But once again, Meredith looked away. She stared resolutely at the white tile of the stairs, unable to simply accept what he was saying.

"Clearly you haven't met Addison," she said dryly, folding her arms across her chest.

Josh's reply was instantaneous, and as ingenuous as before. "I don't need to." He reached out, turning her face with his hand, and forcing her to meet his eyes. "Meredith, you're a beautiful person," he said quietly.

As he spoke, the air between them seemed to change somehow. Before either of them fully comprehended what they were doing, Meredith had tilted her head up towards him as Josh leaned forward, their lips meeting halfway. It was soft and warm--as comforting as their conversations--the sort of kiss a person could melt into. However, it didn't pull on her very soul the way Derek's mouth upon her did, and as her mind drifted to Derek, she instinctively tensed away slightly. The sound of a door slamming shut somewhere far above served to jolt them the rest of the way out of the moment, and they pulled apart, both blinking at each other in astonishment.

"Did we just kiss?" stammered Meredith softly, disbelievingly.

Josh nodded, looking as surprised as Meredith felt. "I think so," he said.

Meredith frowned instantly, turning away. "Oh no," she groaned, holding her head in her hands. "That was wrong…that was bad. That was very bad."

"Well thanks," said Josh with a laugh. "There's nothing a guy likes to hear more than that."

"No," said Meredith quickly, her eyes still wide with shock. "It was a good kiss. Seriously good. It's just…I'm in love with Derek. I shouldn't be…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders, unsure of how to finish her sentence.

"It's just that we shouldn't be kissing," said Josh gently, and she nodded at once.

"Yeah," said Meredith, feeling a rush of relief as she realized he seemed to understand. "We shouldn't be," she echoed.

"And you are my patient," added Josh with a grin, as if it were an afterthought. "I really shouldn't be kissing my patients." Somehow Meredith found herself able to laugh, and she shook her head, smiling at him.

"Seriously?" she teased. "They encourage us to kiss our patients over here."

He laughed as well, but his expression quickly grew serious. "I'm sorry if I…I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It just sort of…" It was the first time she had heard him speak so uncertainly, and he eventually just trailed off, his words cumulating in a shrug.

"Happened," supplied Meredith softly. "It just sort of happened."

He nodded his head. "Yeah."

"Yeah," she agreed. They frowned at each other for a moment before simultaneously turning away, staring down at the floor until the silence threatened to turn awkward. Just before it reached that painful point, Josh cleared his throat and looked back up.

"Can I ask you something? Something personal," he said cautiously. Meredith looked up and wrinkled her nose, but nodded.

"Sure, why not," she said with a shrug. "We've already kissed, so…"

Josh smirked softly before speaking. "This Derek…you light up whenever you say his name. But he's the reason why you're so miserable. Right?"

Meredith sighed and shook her head, realizing Josh was asking her to explain what her friends had always accepted as being due to the fact that he was her McDreamy…whatever that meant. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to find a way to put it into words that were more meaningful. "I don't know," she began, simply thinking aloud. "It's just that he's Derek. And yeah, he makes me miserable sometimes, but he's only able to make me so miserable because he can also make me so happy."

Josh raised a single smirking eyebrow. "That happy, huh?" he said with a sudden grin. Meredith laughed, and shrugged her shoulders, looking down at her hands.

"Look…I was never that girl," she continued quietly. "That big relationship girl. I didn't need that. I didn't want that. I didn't think anything was missing. But Derek…" She sighed and looked up at Josh, her face flushing and her fingers fidgeting nervously with her watchband. "He made me that girl. He made me want all of that. It was like…finding a piece of yourself that you didn't even realize was missing." She grimaced at her own words, shaking her head self-consciously. "And seriously," she continued. "I know that probably sounds like a really crappy piece of high school poetry, but it's true. He's worth all the pain and the waiting. He's worth everything because…" She trailed off, utterly at a loss for how to keep explaining the strange all consuming thing that was her feelings for Derek.

"Because he's the one," supplied Josh at last. And Meredith frowned but nodded her head, figuring that they might as well fall back on a cliché for this. It was impossible to sum up just how badly she needed him in a sentence. At least, not one of her own.

"He said he wanted to talk to me," she volunteered after they had sat in silence for awhile. "So…maybe that's a good thing." Her voice was tentative and uncertain, and she could feel Josh's eyes turned upon her.

"Except what?" he prodded gently, once again surprising her with how easily he seemed to grasp her mind.

"Except I'm terrified," she admitted in a small voice, somehow finding it easy to admit things to him. "Sometimes blindly hoping is better than finally knowing." She laughed anxiously, her hands wound tightly together. Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly shut, knowing that that was at the heart of the apprehension that filled her as she rounded every corner. If she talked to Derek, if she finally truly talked to him, she would have an answer. But, if the answer wasn't her, she honestly had no idea what she would do…how she would manage to be okay. She slowly opened her eyes, looking up at Josh, who had risen to his feet.

"Nah Meredith," he said with an easy shrug, almost as if they were talking about something as insignificant as the weather. He reached down, helping her to her feet as well. "If you love him as deeply as you seem to, you just need to know. Then you can stop doing all this to yourself." He didn't say what this was, but Meredith knew instinctively that he was referring to the endless hiding--the carefully crafted web of secrets and halftruths that she was carrying her child in. And she nodded, knowing as well that he was right.

"Yeah…" she whispered, her voice almost lost even within the silence of the stairwell. She looked up, staring into the warm swirl of his eyes, and somehow, that seemed to fill her with a determination she had been missing. "I need to know," she agreed. He nodded as well, smiling softly down at her. "So…um," continued Meredith, wrinkling her nose. "Are things going to be all weird between us now?"

"I don't think so," he said thoughtfully, before a grin flashed across his face, and he asked, "Why? Were you hoping for weird?"

"Of course," answered Meredith with an amused smirk. "Completely screwed up is my speciality." They grinned at each other, simultaneously shaking their heads, before Josh motioned vaguely towards the door.

"I should probably go see my friend."

"Yeah, yeah," agreed Meredith softly. "And I have patients I should go, you know…doctor."

He nodded, and, with one last smile, they went their separate ways.

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Derek sighed heavily as he headed away from the OR, pulling off his scrub cap as he walked, and dropping it aimlessly onto the counter of the nurses' station as he passed by. He reached up, running a hand through his flattened hair before moving on to rub his tired eyes. He had spent his whole morning in surgery repairing a subdural hematoma, which, normally, wasn't a bad thing. There was something oddly satisfying about fixing bleeding brains. However, this morning, every moment in the OR had been a struggle. He had felt as if he were at war with himself; having to fight to keep his mind on the open skull flap before him and not on Meredith. His Meredith. His beautiful pregnant Meredith. Derek shook his head, suddenly realizing that he didn't even know if she had gotten any bigger yet. He supposed that she had, but whenever he saw her, she was always in a coat or hidden beneath the loose fabric of scrubs that had never seemed to come in a size quite small enough for her. Still that didn't matter now, he reassured himself, because soon, he would know for certain. Last night, falling asleep next to Addison had been unbearably awkward, especially after whisking her out of Joe's with only the vaguest most incomplete of explanations. But then, there was always something uneasy about going to bed with Addison--something that felt intrinsically like cheating on Meredith, despite the opposite truth told by their wedding rings. And, Derek knew in his heart that it was time to fix things. That strange fragility he had seen in Meredith at the bar had been frightening. Whatever that was…it hadn't been there when they had been together before. Then she had had this shining resilience, this…glow. It had saved him--that quality in her that made her Meredith. She had saved him from reeling blindly after everything with Addison and Mark, and she hadn't even realized she was doing it. And that intrinsic hope or strength or…Derek didn't know exactly how to describe what it was. All he knew was that he hadn't seen it in her last night, and he wanted nothing more than to see it within her again.

He glanced down at his watch, relishing the moment of relief as he realized he had over two hours before his next surgery. Derek wanted nothing more than to get some food, and, ideally, run into Meredith. To talk to her, and set things right. Spotting the near swarm of several gurneys and a few nurses waiting for the elevators, Derek pushed open the door to the staircase instead, quickly checking his email on his BlackBerry as he hurried down the stairs. He had barely made it half a flight when the trilling sound of laughter--soft and bell-like--stilled his feet. Derek smiled to himself, knowing the voice instantly. It was Meredith's voice, her laughter, the gentle murmur of her speech. He couldn't make out what she was saying or to whom; their voices sounding low and mumbled. However, that sweet curving sound…that was her voice. Derek closed his eyes, savoring both the sound and the fact that he had found her so quickly, that she was merely a minute or so away from where he now stood. Curiously, impulsively, he opened his eyes again, leaning against the banister in the hopes of catching a glimpse of her.

And, in that moment, he swore his heart stopped.

Meredith was seated far below him on the stairs, her knees drawn up close to her chest. Derek could only see her profile--her face nearly shielded by the wall of her loose wavy hair--but she was turned towards a man he had never seen before in his life. He couldn't decide if that was better or worse than recognizing the man. All he knew was that he instantly hated him. Because he, whoever he was, had his hand cupped around Meredith's face, drawing her closer to him. Derek watched numbly as she tilted her head upward slightly, bringing her mouth to his. They moved slowly, leaning into each other as if savoring the moment, and Derek felt his blood grow bitter. He oscillated violently back and forth between utter disbelief and blind rage; disbelief that Meredith, his Meredith, was sitting there carrying his child and kissing some other man, and a sort of concentrated pure anger at the thought of another man's hands and lips upon her. His own hand clenched instinctively into a fist as the blue of his eyes turned a deep inky black. Derek found himself possessed by the sudden desire to walk down the remaining steps to where they sat, and pull that bastard off of Meredith. His fist twitched again, fingers curling inward. And, in some distant part of his mind that could still process a thought more complex beyond pain and fury, he knew that if he went down there, he'd be punching that man--whoever the hell he was--without even a moment's hesitation.

But, before Derek could take another step, his pager went off--vibrating insistently at his side. He cursed and yanked it from his scrubs, glaring at the tiny screen as he found himself forced to turn away. With one last disbelievingly look at the sight of Meredith in someone else's arms, he walked back up to the landing, letting the door slam loudly behind him as he exited the stairwell.

Derek wasn't sure how he made it down the hallway without bowling someone over. Or, perhaps he bowled several people over, and was simply too caught up in his own mind to realize it. Either way, Derek didn't care. All he knew was that he felt sick. The image of some other man kissing Meredith seemed to be burned into his mind's eye, and it left him feeling violently ill, sick at even the recollection of someone else's mouth upon hers. And so, when he made it to the patient's room, he nearly snarled at the waiting nurse.

"What?" he asked, his voice hard and blunt.

The nurse blinked at him in surprise, briefly taken back by the disappearance of his usually charming demeanor, but after a moment, she nodded and answered his question. "Your patient Mr. Bennigan, post op from this morning's surgery, started having grand mal seizures..."

"Started having?" interrupted Derek as he pushed past her through the doorway and into the room beyond, his eyes coming to settle on an empty bed and a wealth of disconnected tubing. "Where's my patient?" he snapped, finding himself easily irritated as he whirled back around to face the stout nurse. "Why was I paged to a room without a patient?" he continued, his voice rising as he tried to keep from thinking of what could easily still be going on in the stairwell.

"Your intern took him up to CT already," she answered, her hands instantly moving to her hips at the tone of his voice. His intern. His intern…Meredith. His intern was Meredith. But no, that couldn't be right. Meredith couldn't be up at CT. She was apparently too busy kissing other men.

"Who?" he spluttered, his voice still hoarse and angry.

"Your intern," repeated the nurse, looking at him incredulously. "Dr. Stevens. She assisted you in the surgery this morning…has been monitoring him since." She spoke slowly, as if she possibly questioned his sanity.

"Oh, right," he agreed, his mind gradually coming around to grasp a thought beyond that of Meredith. "On whose orders?" he barked after a moment--finding it easier to simply remain angry.

"I don't know," said the nurse, already walking back out into the hall. "I think the resident…said you couldn't operate again without the CT anyway." Derek nodded reluctantly, knowing that much was true. "Dr. Stevens called down a few minutes ago," she added, glancing up over her shoulder at him. "She said the new scans show some bleeding that didn't present in the earlier ones, and she wants you to come and take a look."

Derek just shook his head, glaring at the woman disbelievingly. "In that case, you could've paged me straight to CT," he snapped, before pivoting sharply and walking away.

While Derek had thought his first surgery of the day was difficult to get through, it was nothing compared to the sheer agony of his second. His hands moved as if on autopilot, summoning the required instruments out of memory and instinct, and not via actual thought. His thoughts…his thoughts were a mile a way from the cool crisp concentration he usually found within the OR. They were dark things, with raw angry edges, burning within with unanswered questions. Izzie shot him occasional displeased looks out of the corner of her eye, no doubt leftover from his brief conversation with Meredith the night before. And, each time she did, Derek found himself biting his tongue to keep from blurting out the demand to know whether or not Meredith was seeing someone. Izzie would surely know, she was one of Meredith's closest friends. If Meredith were seeing someone… Derek shook his head disbelievingly; finding it utterly impossible to believe that Meredith would be dating someone else now. She was pregnant and she said she loved him…the two realities didn't add up. But the possibility of her just kissing some strange man in a stairwell--as a random freak occurrence--that failed to make sense as well. And so he seethed his way through surgery; flickering between anger and pain, frustration and disbelief.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon that Derek finally saw her. She was leaning against the far counter of the nurses' station, drumming her pen absently as she went over a chart with George. Their heads were bent close together in concentration, and Derek found himself scowling as he watched her. Eventually Meredith glanced up as she sensed the feel of his gaze upon her, and her eyes met his. Her eyebrows instantly raised as she took in the dark frown scrawled across his brow, and she leaned forward, saying something to George. Moments later, George's head had raised too, and the interns were soon muttering to each other in low voices. Derek forced himself to look down at the paperwork in front of him, but the words seemed to swim; somehow contorting in his mind into the image of that man with Meredith. The next thing he knew, she had walked around to where he stood, her hands shoved nervously into the deep pockets of her lab coat.

"Umm…hi," she began, her voice soft and tentative. Derek just gave a terse nod in response--suddenly not able to trust himself to keep from yelling if he opened his mouth to speak. They were surrounded by people; a whole nurses' station just swarming with nurses and interns and residents, all jostling each other for computers and stacks of patients' charts. It was the last place he could possibly want to start yelling…not that he ever wanted to yell at her. She was Meredith, afterall, and the better half of his mind was telling him that yelling at her would accomplish nothing save to make himself feel even worse than he already did. And yet, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were blazing, and it felt as if it were requiring every ounce of willpower within him to just remain standing there calmly. "So," she continued at last, a slight undercurrent of hope pulsing through her words. "You wanted to talk to me?"

Derek turned to look at her; taking in the delicate lines of her face, and the way she was frowning at him uncertainly. Her mouth was parted slightly, tongue flickering nervously across her lips. The images that small gesture summoned within his mind made his stomach twist, as he once again found himself overcome with the desire to punch whoever had been kissing her. He couldn't do this now, not without snapping at her, and Derek found himself shaking his head. "Not now Meredith," he managed, the words forcing their way out past his clenched jaw.

Meredith's puzzled frown deepened, and she shook her head, winding one of her loose waves around her finger as she studied his face. "I thought you wanted to…" she began, but her voice trailed off as she leaned forward, looking up into his eyes. "Are you mad at me or something?" she asked disbelievingly, taking in the tension in his features.

Derek had gone back to glowering at the papers in front of him, but at that, he looked up. "Why would I possibly be mad at you?" he asked, his words a crystal clear indication of the opposite truth.

She sighed, seeming to have no idea, but after a moment, a flicker of possibility appeared in her eyes. She twisted around, her back against the counter as she propped herself up with her elbows. "I'm sorry about last night," she said quietly, her eyes still searching his face. "I was a mess. Seriously, I'd already yelled at my friends too many times to count. And then Addison was there, and it just felt weird, and…" She trailed off, scrunching her nose up into her usual apologetic pout. Derek felt the warmth of a faint flickering smile pass through him at that, however, it failed to make it to his face. "I'm sorry," she added again.

He gave a jerking nod of his head. "It's fine," he said tersely.

"Well no," disagreed Meredith, perfectly aware that his demeanor hadn't changed in the slightest. "It's clearly not fine." The pale green of her eyes seemed to shiver and grow infinitely uncertain as she just stared up at him, looking more than a little bit hopeless and lost.

"We can talk about this later," Derek repeated, his voice low as he gathered up the papers scattered in front of him. Meredith blinked disbelievingly as he added, "Now is not the time." He wanted time to think, to clear his head--to find a way to be something other than angry, other than utterly and completely jealous. And so, papers collected in his arms, he turned wordlessly to go.

"Wait, Derek," began Meredith, her voice now just purely puzzled. "What are you doing?"

"Working," he snapped, turning to fix her with a heavy glare, his mouth caught up in a thin line. "This is a hospital. Occasionally, people actually do work here Meredith." He felt caught up in a sick and angry knot of jealousy, and it sent him turning away from her again, his legs taking long deliberate strides--impossible for her to match--down the hall and towards one of his waiting patients.

But Meredith didn't even try to follow. She simply stood there and watched him walk away, her eyes wide and uncomprehending. "Seriously?" she muttered disbelievingly, and, although she failed to notice it, her lip trembled as she spoke.

-----

So…ho hum…cue the innocent whistling. I feel a tad guilty after writing this chapter. Anyway…I have thoughts. I have lots of thoughts. First of all…my Meredith thoughts. So, she starts out still very apprehensive about talking to Derek because she honestly isn't sure what he wants to say. And so, in the middle of her nervousness, she runs into Josh. And…um..hi, yes, they kissed. Might as well get that out of the way. Because he is charming and nice and gorgeous, and was there for her when she was sad, and, whether they flat out admit it or not, they have cute teensy crushes on each other. And, he was comforting her and saying wonderful things, and well, saying such wonderful things to Mer can often lead to inappropriate sexual thoughts (Umm…mind-numbing horror that was MerGe anyone?) However, she's pregnant, so is in a very different place in terms of that than she might otherwise be, and she's essentially waiting for Derek and in love with him, and besides, Josh is her doctor. So, they both kinda pull away in surprise over what happened, and know that it's not really the sort of thing that can happen between them. But, aside from that moment, he's just someone that Mer is able to easily connect with as a friend, and she can say things to him easier because he's not so heavily embroiled in the mess that is her life. And, that ends up helping her realize that she should stop thinking that not knowing what Derek wants is better than knowing what Derek wants, because all the not knowing and the secrets etc.? Not so healthy. And yeah…I must say I like writing Josh, so hopefully you do not all hate him. I get to write him as charming as I want, which is fun, because, as I said, he's relatively free from this mess. So, he gets to be charming. Unlike Derek, who is currently too caught up in all this to be as charming as we know he can.

And yeah, that brings us to Derek. So, this is very much a case of really bad, crappy timing. He sees only enough of what happened between Meredith and Josh to assume the worst, and spends the rest of his day sort of (hotly) fuming and being angry and confused and jealous. Very jealous. Because, it doesn't make sense to him. He can't comprehend why Meredith would possibly be kissing someone else. And well, he was ready to break his wedding vows for her, which is a pretty huge thing to him, and he sees her with this other guy and is now just utterly confused over what she was doing, and beyond jealous that someone else was with her. (And he hates Josh btw. Obviously.) So yep, when Mer comes to talk to him, part of him wants to talk to her and find out what the hell that was. However, he's still seeing red, and deep down he knows all he'd be able to do is yell at her right now. And he doesn't want to yell at Mer, especially not when she's pregnant. So, he holds himself together as best he can, and the effort of doing so makes him act strange and sound like an ass. And he storms off to keep himself from yelling at her, but…we shall see how that goes, because Derek is a yeller. Especially about things he cares about. And so yeah, the Mer/Der Secret Baby Conspiracy lives to see another day…because… Well, just because that's the way it goes in my plot, I suppose? (Although, the Conspiracy does not have too many days left in it. I promise. It also has a fun ending. Seriously. I think it's fun, however, I'm easily amused. By myself...which is...sad.)

And yeah, that's about it. Thanks for reading. I think I rambled long again…sorry about that. And thanks again!