So, um…hi. First of all, I'm sorry that updates have been a little bit slower than they were when I first started this story. I was on winter break then, and, now that at back in school, it's harder to write when I've already spent a good portion of the day in class and studying. So yeah, updates are a little bit slower. But, I'm still updating, so um…yay? Hopefully? Heh, anyway, thank you so much for the great reviews. I had an idea that people wouldn't be thrilled over the Addison/Derek kiss at the end. I'm sorry. But…it was very short, and now they're over and done with, and just…bye-bye to the Shepherds. So yes, it's all good now. Sorta…ish. Anyway, this chapter moves forward a teensy bit through time. There was the night where Derek asked for a divorce, and then there was a whole other day, and now there's this day, where the current chapter starts. So, not a large leap through time, but…we are occupying the super fancy, literary time machine once again. And yeah, that's about it for now. Enjoy!
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I go
nowhere high, go nowhere warm
Until
you're by my side, your hand in mine
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Meredith felt as if the world was spinning wildly around her, yet she was somehow stuck in place, barely moving. She could feel the pulse of the hospital; this living breathing beat of going and doing that flowed through everything and everyone save herself. A nurse kept flitting in and out of her room, bringing various bits and pieces of her discharge papers in and handing them to Izzie. Izzie was talking loudly about some problem of George's as she worked on finishing up Meredith's chart, but the words just seemed to be washing right past her. Cristina was in the room too, alternating between looking bored and disgusted as she scribbled through her own paperwork. Occasionally she would interject with some comment that Meredith was sure was both biting and sarcastic, but she didn't really hear those either. The most she was managing to do was shove the few things of her own that had accumulated over the past week into the bag Izzie had brought her from home. She was packing carelessly, but it didn't really matter. Nothing seemed to matter. She felt strangely numb. Meredith had a hunch that she was actually feeling a lot of things--a lot of scary painful things--but that they had gotten lost beneath this strange anesthetized shell she'd grown over the past few days. It had started with Addison telling her Derek's name wasn't on the OR board. That was odd, and it had just been this bizarre inkling at the back of her mind, but, when he hadn't come to her room that night as he had been doing, it started to grow. It was then this itchy uncertainty that had filled her with doubts. He hadn't shown up at all the next day either, and she'd asked Izzie for him only once. The request had garnered such an awkward stricken look from her, and filled the room with so many pathetic stammered excuses about surgeries…long surgeries, that she hadn't bothered to ask again. She hadn't seen him yet today either, and Meredith knew that if she thought about that with any more attention than she usually delegated to, say…the automatic function of breathing in and out, it would send her into a blind panic.
And so somehow, her body had found a way to go numb. It felt almost like some sort of survival instinct. Stress was bad for the baby; that fact had been drilled into her often enough over the past few days. She had to stay calm. Besides, at this point, Meredith was also pretty sure it was bad for her sanity. She wanted to think that it wasn't like Derek to simply stop coming to see her like that, but she no longer felt certain. The thought that maybe something had happened to him had passed through her mind briefly, but it had vanished with the reappearance of Addison that morning. If his wife was there and walking around like normal, then everything had to be fine. She would've been the first told if anything wasn't. As much as it hurt to think that Derek was ignoring her, the alternative--that something had happened to him--was infinitely worse. And so, Meredith was grateful for the persistent nagging feeling in the back of her mind that told her he was fine. It left her with a hunch that she was supposed to have picked up on something. She hadn't bothered to explain it to her friends. She knew they wouldn't understand, but her mind kept replaying the look he had given her the last time he'd seen her. It had been layered; meant to explain just what he had remembered that sent him from her room so quickly. But Meredith couldn't figure out what that was. The fact that Derek had been insufferably cryptic only served to enhance her bad mood. It was just one more thing lurking beneath the calm layer she had spread over herself; creating a controlled yet vacant outward appearance.
"Meredith?" The sound of Izzie's questioning voice pierced her thoughts, and she looked up from the open bag in front of her, frowning softly. "Mer?"
"Umm…" she answered slowly, trying to guess what her friends had been talking about while she'd zoned out. "I need new clothes," she muttered at last, simply settling for addressing her own annoyance over the clothes she'd changed back into. She glared down at the jeans that no longer came close to buttoning, and the strained fabric of what had been one of her favorite shirts. Figuring that she was probably ruining its shape permanently with her stomach, she tried to adjust it, but didn't accomplish much.
Izzie's smile suddenly turned excited, and she nodded her head. "We can go shopping," she declared delightedly. Meredith just raised an eyebrow, yanking hard on her bag's zipper, pulling it shut. "Actually, you have two weeks off. You could go shopping every day if you want." She sounded absolutely delighted over the idea, and sighed wistfully as she returned her attention to the stack of papers in her lap.
"I could," agreed Meredith dryly, rolling her eyes.
"I mean, two weeks Mer," continued Izzie, unable to keep her mind on her work. "Do you realize how much free time that is?"
Meredith just shoved her bag off the bed, feeling oddly satisfied as it landed on the floor with a heavy thump. "Please, don't remind me," she muttered.
"Seriously?" Izzie raised her eyebrows, tilting her head to the side as she shot her friend a quizzical look. "I would kill for two weeks off." Meredith let out a slight empty laugh as she shrugged her shoulders, already dreading the prospect of spending the next two weeks sitting alone in her house.
"Oh please," said Cristina, rolling her eyes as she caught sight of Meredith's expression. "At least you don't have to spend two weeks with only the freaking three musketeers around here for company." Izzie let out a noise of disagreement, and Meredith's mouth drew quickly into an amused smirk.
"Right," she said slowly, nodding her head. "Because you'd rather have two weeks without surgery." Cristina hesitated, seeming momentarily stumped by the statement. But, after a second, she shrugged and kicked her feet up onto the bed.
"You're right," she admitted. "Yours sucks more. Congratulations."
"Thanks," muttered Meredith dully as she glanced down and tugged hopefully on her hospital ID bracelet. "Izzie, are you almost done with those?" she asked, leaning forward to peer at the discharge papers.
Izzie nodded, standing up and walking over towards the bed. "Um yeah," she said absently, skimming them one last time. "You just need to sign there, and fill in…" She trailed off, suddenly looking up and catching a glimpse of Meredith's amused expression. "Right. Never mind. You know how these things work." She handed the forms over, skipping the rest of her usual explanation about how to complete them. Meredith just nodded, clicking the pen against her palm before leaning forward and scrawling her signature quickly across the required lines.
"Done," she said barely a minute later, shuffling the papers into a neat pile and handing them back. Shifting uneasily, she swung her legs over the bed. "Can I go yet, then?" she asked anxiously. "Or does Addison have to come back…?" She pushed herself to her feet, eyeing the door apprehensively.
Izzie shook her head. "No, Addison's not even here," she said as Meredith sunk back down with a sigh of relief. She had been dreading seeing Addison for a second time that day. Her visit in the morning, brief as it had been, had also been unbearably strained. The other woman had seemed tense and exhausted as she rushed her way through the usual questions, her voice hard and pointed. Addison had avoided her eyes, but in the few moments they had met, Meredith had found herself staring into pale, almost haunted, pools of blue. It had been unnerving, and she had collapsed gratefully back onto the bed when Addison had left. The last thing she wanted was to go through that a second time.
"She's not?" she asked, hoping that she hadn't misheard Izzie.
"Nope." Izzie frowned as she adjusted her ponytail. "She said she had some sort of important meeting today, and that you were good to go, and I could just send you home once I got everything ready."
"Oh," said Meredith, nodding her head.
"Yeah. She was a total McBitch about it though," continued Izzie, letting out a derisive snort at the memory. "All bitter and angry. I think she's still mad about the sex thing." She stopped short as if her words had choked her, freezing in place as both her eyes and Cristina's swung straight towards Meredith. They were eyeing her uncertainly, with Cristina pausing to glare at Izzie, and Izzie reciprocating with a shrug that was both defensive and apologetic.
Meredith swallowed hard, doing her best to ignore the reference to Derek despite the fact that the back of her mind was screaming at her. At last, she managed a bland shrug, and leaned forward to pull her coat on. As she did, she caught her two friends exchanging yet another look. She couldn't quite interpret if it was filled with relief or surprise or something else entirely, but it clearly referenced some outside conversation she knew nothing of. It left her confused and uneasy, and Meredith felt a little bit of her outward control slipping away. "What?" she asked at last, her voice coming out hard and accusing.
"Nothing," said Izzie immediately. "We didn't even say anything."
"I know you didn't say anything," Meredith snapped back, letting out an annoyed sigh as she shoved her bangs out of her eyes. "There was a look."
"Nope. No look," continued Izzie unconvincingly, her voice growing thin. "You're imaging things." She glared at Cristina expectantly, clearly demanding help.
"Um…yeah," she agreed with a shrug. "Sure. No look. Stop being paranoid, Mer." But her words fell flat, filled with what Meredith knew was concern. Feeling completely confused, Meredith shook her head, her nails digging hard into the soft skin of her palms.
"Where's Derek?" she asked at last, her voice shaky as she gave in, and addressed the one thing she had been trying to ignore. Only her question was followed by an awkward silence, Cristina and Izzie's eyes once again meeting in a look that was full of hesitancy. It sent chills running through her, and Meredith shook her head harder this time, disbelievingly. "What?" she stammered, glancing back and forth between her friends. "Is something wrong? That was a weird look." Raising a hand, she gestured at their still silent faces. "That was a bad, very bad look," she continued, her voice rising as her eyes darkened with unease. Izzie turned back to Cristina, who nodded imperceptibly, clearing her throat.
"Look Mer," she began, sitting down on the bed beside her friend. Her voice was uncharacteristically gentle, and Meredith wrapped her arms tight around her chest, forgetting to breathe as a thousand horrible possibilities she hadn't even considered before started to race wildly through her mind. "It's nothing to freak out about, but he's not here. His name's not on the board."
"It wasn't there yesterday either," volunteered Izzie, looking as confused as Meredith felt.
"Or the day before," she heard herself add, her voice a soft whisper.
"What? Seriously?" asked Cristina, and Meredith nodded her head.
"Addison told me," she said, and as she spoke, something disconcerting clicked into place in her mind. "And now she's not here either." The words sounded dull and heavy, and Meredith stared blankly at the floor. She wanted to add the two together and come up with something that spelled divorce, but she felt curiously robbed of all of her previous faith in that possibility. And so she just shook her head, trying to force herself back into some numb semblance of normality.
"She had a meeting," offered Izzie hopefully. "So that doesn't mean anything."
Meredith shook her head again, not even absorbing Izzie's words. She turned to Cristina, staring desperately at her friend. "Aren't people surprised that the Head of Neurosurgery just isn't here? I mean, that's weird…right? That's not normal…" Her voice shook as she spoke, and she trailed off, her mind still spinning with dizzying speed through myriad explanations.
"They don't…" Cristina hesitated, hating the pained uncertainty she saw in Meredith's eyes. She frowned as she tried to cobble together the most calming reassuring version of the little she and Izzie knew. "People don't seem worried, so it's not anything bad Mer." Meredith nodded, her face still pale and strained. "He's being an ass though," she added bluntly, her own frustrations with the man seeping noticeably into her voice, and drawing a distant flicker of a smile to her friend's lips.
"I'm just…" she stammered out slowly, leaning forward to grab her bag back from the floor. She felt shaky and confused, as if she were once again being forced to fight the desire to burst into tears. Before she could finish her sentence, there was a knock on the door, and Meredith straightened up to find Richard stepping into the room.
"Hi Chief," greeted Izzie, moving quickly out of his way.
"Dr. Stevens," he replied. "Dr. Yang." He nodded his head at Cristina as well--who greeted him eagerly--before turning to smile warmly at Meredith. "Meredith, how're you holding up?" She didn't respond to his question, but simply remained staring down at her hands, still having to struggle to just stay calm.
"Um…Chief," said Cristina, interrupting the silence before it turned awkward. "Do you know where Dr. Shepherd is?" she asked, her dark eyes unprofessionally demanding. "His name isn't on the board."
"Of course it's not," agreed Richard, his voice remaining friendly as if he failed to notice the accumulated tension within the room. "He asked for a few days off for, ah…" he glanced down at Meredith's stomach, adding, "…personal reasons."
"He did?" echoed Meredith quietly, finally looking up from wringing her wrists together. Her eyes were wide and filled with sadness, but Richard just nodded.
"I assumed he wanted to take you home. Is he here? I want to…" But he trailed off abruptly as he finally registered the menacing, warning looks Meredith's friends were shooting him.
"He's not," said Cristina flatly, and the older man nodded, a scowl briefly darkening his eyes.
"Right," he continued after a moment. "Ah…well, I heard you were being discharged today. Just wanted to stop by and wish you well."
"Thanks Chief…" managed Meredith quietly, staring up at him. She felt as if she were finally slipping back towards the numbness that had kept her safe the past few days, and she welcomed it, her expression growing quiet and distant. The vague pain that lingered in her eyes seemed to unsettle Richard; he shifted uncertainly, peering back out the door into the hallway.
"It's Dr. Karev," he declared, spotting Alex at the far end of the hall, and beckoning him quickly into the room. Alex looked more than a little confused, but Richard was smiling proudly, as if he had created a suitable diversion to wipe the preceding awkwardness from memory. Alex shot Izzie a skeptical look, but she just grimaced and shrugged her shoulders.
"Uh…" he began at last, turning to look at Meredith. "You ready to go, Mer? Izzie said she'd page me when you were, but…"
"Excellent," interjected Richard, seizing the opportunity to head towards the door. "I'll leave you to it. Take care Meredith. You can sit down with Dr. Bailey and I when you get back, and we'll work out your schedule for the rest of your, ah…the next few months." Meredith just nodded, smiling blandly as the door closed behind him. The room was plunged into a sudden silence, all eyes turning towards Meredith who sat perfectly still, staring unseeingly at the closed door.
"Mer?" asked Cristina, but she got no answer.
"Um…" began Izzie at last, turning to Alex and addressing his earlier question. "Yeah, she's ready to go. Are you off yet?" He glanced down at his watch, nodding his head.
"In five minutes. I've got to drop off a chart, but then yeah."
"Okay," agreed Izzie, glancing back nervously at Meredith. "Go ahead, and…meet us in the lobby?" Alex nodded in agreement, and the brief interlude of normal conversation fell apart as he left the room. Izzie turned back to join Cristina in watching Meredith, their eyes identical reflections of concern. "Meredith?" she tried gently, placing a hand on her friend's arm. "Are you okay?"
Meredith let out a shaky sigh, pulling away and pushing herself heavily to her feet. "Yeah," she said flatly as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the door. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Derek's not here, but he said he had to do a thing. So, whatever. He didn't say it was a three day thing, but that's fine." Her voice trembled dangerously as it rose into a thin worried sound, and she swallowed hard, yanking the door back open. "I'm fine," she continued determinedly. "I'm perfectly fine, and the baby is feeling beyond fine, and so…I'm just gonna go." She barely made it two steps before Izzie and Cristina both had her by the arm, herding her back into the room and into the chair by the bed. "What are you doing?" she spluttered in annoyance, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be left alone. She didn't think she could bear to talk about Derek any longer, and she closed her eyes, steeling herself for the questions she was sure would follow. Izzie opened her mouth to speak, only to find Cristina silencing her with a fierce elbow to the ribs.
"You have to wait, Mer," said Cristina gently, able to sense just how poorly referencing Derek yet again would go over with Meredith at the moment. "They've got to wheel you out."
"Seriously?" she asked, rolling her eyes, and lashing out pointlessly at the idea. "I can walk, you know," she added bitterly.
Izzie nodded her head immediately. "We know," she agreed. "It's just…the nurses. Proper patient transport protocol is like their bible or something." She smiled hopefully at Meredith, but she just gave a resigned shrug.
"Fine," she muttered, glaring down at the bag in her lap. "You guys don't have to wait with me," she continued. "It'll probably take them forever to bring a chair around."
"Actually," said Izzie, her smile brightening. "We can take you ourselves. We just need to find one. Hold on, and we'll be right back, okay?" Meredith only nodded, her head falling forward to rest in her hand as they left the room. Doing her best to shut down the screaming pain inside her mind, she forced herself to concentrate on nothing beyond breathing in and out. Her free hand clutched her stomach as she tried to pretend that she didn't feel suddenly and completely alone. She sat like that until she heard Izzie and Cristina's voices, floating clearly towards her as they walked back down the hallway towards her room.
"No." Cristina was seething, her voice pulsing with thinly restrained anger. "I don't know who the hell Shepherd thinks he is, but he's a dead man. I swear, the next time I see him…"
Izzie laughed dryly. "Maybe you can slip when you're in surgery and he asks for a scalpel."
"Seriously," muttered Cristina. "If he thinks…" Her voice trailed off, replaced by the sound of a doorknob turning, and Meredith straightened up, doing her best to look normal despite the fact she couldn't remember what that felt like.
"We got you a chair," declared Izzie, her voice quickly losing the bitterness it had held in the hallway; growing resolutely cheerful for her friend as she gestured down at the wheelchair in front of them. Meredith just nodded, not saying anything as she shuffled forward and sat down.
The trip down to the parking lot was mostly silent. Nearly everyone they passed stopped and stared at her, but Meredith found she didn't even care about that. She felt too lost and confused to bother replying to her friends, let alone worry about what the nurses were saying. She wanted Derek desperately, and she couldn't figure out why he wasn't there, why he and Addison both weren't there. Some small dark sliver in the back of her mind laughed cruelly as it suggested he had changed his mind about wanting to be with her, and was out celebrating the decision with his wife. She moaned at the thought, burying her face in her hands, and promising herself that he had a perfectly good explanation. She just hadn't heard it yet.
She could feel the apprehension radiating from her friends, and caught the looks the three of them exchanged as they passed her off to Alex. But Meredith didn't say anything. She simply nodded in response as they told her to be as lazy as she wanted, Izzie filling her in about the large batch of muffins waiting for her in the kitchen, and promising to come straight home from work to keep her company. But at last, they'd hurried back into the hospital, leaving Meredith alone with Alex. Reaching down, he silently helped her to her feet. Meredith found herself feeling more tired than she'd expected, and she leaned heavily into him as he walked her the remaining few steps to his car.
"You don't have to take me home," she said at last, her voice quiet as he slipped into the driver's seat. "You were on-call all night, and it's out of your way. I can just drive my car back…" Alex took one look at her, and the exhaustion that still hadn't quite vanished from her features, and started the car. "Alex…"
"Meredith," he interrupted, his voice firm yet lacking its usual characteristic annoyance. "Yeah, I do." Knowing that arguing with him would be pointless, Meredith settled back in the seat, and turned her face towards the window. He didn't try to make her talk, and Meredith found herself grateful for the silence that filled the car. It was a short drive from the hospital to her house, and, before long, he had helped her inside and settled her down on the couch. Meredith had flipped through half the channels on the TV before she realized that Alex hadn't left. She set the remote down--the loud sounds of a reality show filling the room--and got to her feet, walking down the hall and into the kitchen. She found him there, leaning against the center island, and biting into one of Izzie's muffins as he skimmed over the paper.
"What are you doing?" she asked, her expression puzzled as she crossed over to him.
He looked up immediately, setting down the muffin. "You need something Mer?"
"Don't you have your own apartment?" she asked by way of reply. Alex shrugged, glancing quickly down at the paper before looking back up, and the realization dawned on her. "You're babysitting me," she said incredulously. "Did Izzie put you up to this?"
Alex shrugged again, a brief grin flashing across his face. "I'm just here for the muffins," he said around a mouthful of one. Meredith rolled her eyes, folding her arms over her stomach.
"I'm fine," she snapped. "I'm not on bed rest. I can take care of myself."
"I know," he agreed, despite the fact that he had his own doubts about just how much she should be up and doing things. "Just thought you might like some company since Shepherd's being an ass again," he added flatly, not even bothering to hide his disapproval or dance around the subject in the slightest. Meredith blinked in surprise, momentarily taken back by the bluntness with which he brought up Derek.
"I don't want to talk about him," she said, sinking into a seat at the table and staring stubbornly at Alex across the kitchen.
"Good." He glanced up, smirking at her. "I don't speak girl talk," he joked. But after a moment, his expression grew solemn, and he added, "You could though. If you wanted to." Meredith just sighed and shook her head, shredding one of the paper napkins that had been laying in front of her on the table. They sat in silence; Alex working his way through both the newspaper and the muffin basket as Meredith ensured the napkin was thoroughly destroyed. But, at last, she looked back up, eyeing him warily.
"You really want to stay?" she asked softly, almost skeptically.
"I am staying," he corrected.
Meredith just shook her head. "But…why? I'm bound to be bitter and mean the whole time."
Alex shrugged, turning away to carefully study the muffin he was holding. "I don't have a sister," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes.
"You don't have a sister?" she echoed, frowning slightly in confusion.
"No," he agreed, suddenly looking back up. "And that's a good thing. Who wants to grow up with some whiny little girl who breaks your toys and complains all the time?"
"Umm…" began Meredith as Alex hesitated for a moment, looking almost embarrassed. But he shook his head, cutting her off. "I don't have a sister, but I've got you. And, as far as I can tell, it's practically the same thing. So, I'm staying Mer. Go ahead and be as mean and bitter as you need to be. You'll just be making up for all the toys you never got to break as a kid."
Meredith stared at him, slowly nodding her head. "Okay," she agreed, her voice soft and almost grateful sounding as a genuine smile finally flickered cautiously across her face. Alex nodded, his mouth already full of another bite of muffin. She sat there uncertainly for a moment before clearing her throat, and getting back up. "Want to come watch stupid people with me then?" she asked, referencing the loud shouts and laughter of the reality show contestants that were permeating the kitchen.
Alex folded the newspaper back up, and got to his feet as well. "Sure," he agreed simply, turning to secure the muffin basket under his arm before following Meredith out of the room, and over to the couch.
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Derek sat in his car, staring blankly out at the inky night surrounding him. Rain was pouring down from the sky in great sheets that drummed against the windshield and glinted slightly silvery when they were intercepted by the pool of lamplight that struggled brightly against the darkness. Sighing heavily, he leaned forward, his head coming to rest against the steering wheel. He felt physically exhausted; drained from the sheer effort of getting through the past two days. After making countless phone calls to their old lawyer in Manhattan, getting their affairs transferred to a new office in Seattle, and spending the entire day in a stuffy leather-bound room going over the divorce settlement…it was finished. Everything that he and Addison had once shared had been separated and split into two. It would take a few weeks for the papers to finalize, but there was nothing left for them to do. As far as Derek was concerned, it was done. It was over. It was finally over. He sighed again as he straightened up, disheveling his hair by running a hand carelessly through the dark strands. He wanted to be happy, to feel relieved and drive back to the hospital to see Meredith. He could tell that that elation lingered just beyond his grasp; tantalizing him horridly. It was held off by the memory of Addison's face, which swam persistently to the forefront of his mind. She had pulled herself together over the past day or so, but it wasn't into anything recognizable. Her voice had barely risen above a frail whisper the entire time they met with the lawyer, her eyes seemingly rimmed with unspilt tears. It wasn't Addison staring back at him from across the wide and polished table--not really--and he hated that he'd apparently pulled her so far from her true self.
Derek groaned and shook his head; finding no solace, no absolution in the confines of his car. A strange heaviness seemed to hang over him, making it difficult to even breathe. Without giving it much thought, Derek grabbed his keys and opened the door, stepping out of the car. He gasped at the sudden burst of cold, and was close to soaking before he'd even clicked the button to lock the doors, but he didn't care. Slipping the keys into his pocket, he tilted his head back, letting the raindrops pelt his face and run into his eyes as he stared at the blackened stormy sky. Straightening up, Derek turned the collar of his leather jacket up, and walked across the long expanse of the parking lot outside the lawyer's office. He knew he needed to clear his head, to move past the guilt that was gnawing at him, and a walk seemed the best way to do that. He didn't care that it was raining. If anything, it only improved the atmosphere; serving as a pretty metaphor for his own inner turmoil. And so Derek followed his feet, paying no mind to direction, but simply moving through the rain out of the parking lot and onto a lamp lit residential street.
Derek wasn't sure how long he walked. It was just a continual trudging pace of one foot in front of the other, his mind persistently dark and brooding. But finally, the angry fog hanging over his thoughts started to lessen slightly and fade away. There was something purifying about the rain. It wasn't the perfect absolution he was yearning for, but it was something. Water was fresh and cleansing, working away at the murky hold the divorce had on his mind. Freeing him enough to realize that the important thing wasn't supposed to be his own pain. It was supposed to be Meredith. He struggled to read his watch, but couldn't make it out through the veil of rain surrounding him. Turning his back to the wind, Derek pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the illuminated numbers clearly glowing 9:42 before quickly slipping it back out of the wrath of the rain. Cursing at the time--knowing he'd have to fight the nurses to get in to see her so late--he doubled his pace towards the street corner, realizing he had no idea where he'd walked to, especially not when the darkness of the storm served to nearly blind him from his surroundings. But before he had made it halfway down the street, he froze in place, a cold horrid feeling washing over him as a scene from that morning played back in his mind.
He sat in one of the large leather chairs in the lawyer's office, head bent forward as he stared at the papers, the lawyer's voice plaguing his ears; an incessant droning about divisions of assets. Derek just nodded, mumbling a nondescript response as he once again checked his watch. There was still a good hour left before Addison was supposed to arrive, and he sighed impatiently, turning to urge the lawyer on with the paperwork. The need to be done with this, to put his marriage behind him, felt overpowering. Just as Derek was turning to pointlessly check his watch yet again, a door opened, and he looked up to see the secretary letting Addison into the room.
She stood awkwardly just beyond the doorway, her expression blank and unsmiling. "You're here early," said Derek by way of greeting. Addison simply nodded, walking over to sit down across from him at the table.
"Um yes," she agreed quietly before turning to reciprocate the lawyer's greeting, a slight smile brightening the corner of her mouth as she accepted his offer of coffee.
"I thought you said you had some patients," continued Derek, grasping at something to fill the awkward silence that had bloomed when the lawyer left--excusing himself to fetch the secretary back for coffee. Addison just shrugged, glancing down at the smooth surface of the table and the sight of her own hands spread flat in front of her. They were curiously bare; naked in a way she hadn't truly known since well before her wedding night.
"I did," she agreed in a faint voice, shivering slightly as she realized Derek was staring at her hands as well, having caught on to her apparent fascination with them. He looked back up as she spoke, and their eyes met uneasily. "I…um…" stammered Addison, shaking her head. "That's done now. I'm having Stevens send her home." Her voice twisted strangely on the word 'her.' It was something unsettling; sounding suddenly pained and close to breaking. But as she spoke, the lawyer returned, sliding back into his own seat with a promise of coffee arriving shortly.
"Right. Good," said Derek, the significance of what she'd said slipping past him--lost beneath his own desire to finally do what he felt he should've done a long time ago, and end his marriage. Gesturing towards the papers, he offered Addison a quick flash of a smile. "Well, you're here now. We might as well get going."
Derek cursed again, groaning inwardly at the memory. The strained note that had filled Addison's voice as she spoke of her patient, the way her eyes had darkened as her lips disappeared into a thin line, the way she'd seemed almost puzzled by his lack of response; it all added up now with perfect, blatant clarity. It was Meredith. She'd been talking about Meredith. Derek pushed the soaking strands of his hair out of his eyes, suddenly feeling worse than he had at any point prior to watching helplessly as Meredith slid to the floor. She was at home. Right now, she was at her house, and he had let her go ahead and return there on her own. Derek groaned again, doubling his pace to the street corner, not even wanting to consider what she was thinking.
Blinking angrily, he struggled to make out the name on the street sign; fighting the rain and the darkness of the night to gain some idea of where he was. The rain was falling like sheets in front of him, but, after a few minutes of trying, Derek finally made out the printed forms of the letters. And as he did, he found himself filled with a sudden lightness, a sudden relief. He knew that street sign, knew it intimately. He'd driven down the very road he was standing on countless time months before, back when he had been dating Meredith. It was the cross street to her house, and as Derek glanced hopefully around him, the familiarity of his surroundings leapt out at him. Now that he knew where he was, the storm no longer acted as an obscuring veil between him and his world. The houses, the yards, even the quietness of the neighborhood…it all felt familiar. Shaking his head, Derek pivoted sharply, and started hurrying down the block that he knew lead to Meredith's home.
Derek's initial reaction was to marvel inwardly at the dumb luck that had left him within minutes of where Meredith lived. But as he made his way through the rain, coming at last to the looming sight of her house before him--the windows glowing resolutely against the dark night--he couldn't help but think that maybe it wasn't entirely dumb luck. The rational part of his mind instantly labeled the thought foolish, but the building was shining like a beacon in front of him, and Derek felt as if his feet had led him back to Meredith. Even when he had missed Addison's obvious hints, even when he had walked blindly and aimlessly, something small buried within his subconscious had known where Meredith was. And, it had brought him to her.
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Meredith sat on her couch, nestled amongst a sea of pillows and blankets Izzie had arranged for her, flicking absently through the channels on the television. Most of the time, she flicked from screen to screen too quickly to pick up on anything beyond a brief burst of color and sound. She didn't see the point in lingering on a specific show. Even when she purposely tried to watch, she couldn't bring herself to care about the drama unfolding in front of her. She had given up completely, and was now simply changing the channels to have something to do. Alex had gone home a few hours earlier, and Izzie and George had kept her company for awhile, but had disappeared upstairs to try and solve some sort of computer problem Izzie was having. She could hear the voices floating down the stairs--loud and filled with their usual bickering--and she smiled sadly, turning the TV off with a decided press of her thumb. Leaning forward, she picked up one of the remaining muffins from where it lingered at the bottom of the basket. She brought it closer, frowning down at its slightly glistening surface, before letting it fall back into the basket with a soft plop. She had eaten nothing save muffins since returning home, and the thought of consuming yet another one suddenly left her feeling vaguely ill.
Meredith groaned and looked around for something to distract her. She hated the way she felt…listless, and lingering at the border of overwhelmed, continually needing to occupy herself to keep from curling up into a ball and crying over Derek. But the only thing her eyes landed on was her phone--laying innocently on the table in front of her. Cursing at her own inability to keep from leaning forward and picking it up, she flipped quickly through her phonebook, frowning as the small screen soon glowed with Derek's name and number. Her fingertips brushed hopefully over the call button, but Meredith bit her lip hard, managing to hold off on actually sending the call. Part of her wanted to, wanted to desperately, however, she didn't really see the point. Reality was pretty simple. If Derek truly cared, he wouldn't have vanished. He would've driven her home from the hospital, and would be on the couch next to her, distracting her from her aching back and the fact that she felt sick from too many muffins. But the seat beside her was empty, the cushion perfectly vacant and free of even the slightest indent to indicate a presence of someone beyond herself. And so finally, Meredith set the phone back down, sliding it across the smooth surface of the table, far away from her. She got to her feet, unable to stay in the same room as her phone without acknowledging that, secretly, she was dreading that if she did call Derek, he just wouldn't answer.
She shuffled into the kitchen, turning to open the fridge and various cabinets, her eyes traveling aimlessly over the stocked shelves. She found nothing of interest there, but she hadn't expected to. Meredith was unable to think of a single edible thing that currently sounded appetizing, and so she let the fridge slam shut, turning to lean against the center island. Moaning heavily, she rested her head and the majority of her weight on the flat countertop; easing the pain in her back as she fought off a sudden stronger wave of sadness. Her eyes were prickling dangerously with the tears that had been threatening her all day, and Meredith lost track of how long she stood like that, struggling to keep from just crying out for him.
But at last, the heavy silence of her thoughts was pierced by the clear ringing of the doorbell. She lifted her bowed head at the sound, blinking back tears as she listened for either George or Izzie to come down the stairs. However, the house remained eerily silent. Meredith thought briefly of calling for one of them, her mind still filled with their earnest insistences that she get them for anything and everything she might need. But she soon laughed the idea off, realizing that she would have to walk past the door anyway just to call to them from the foot of the stairs. And so, with a heavy sigh, she pushed herself away from the counter, wincing slightly. "Yeah…just make the fat pregnant girl get the door," she muttered to herself, pulling the back of her arm across her eyes to dry them. "Nice roommates." But she smiled slightly, knowing they would probably scold her for doing even this on her own. She picked up her wallet as she made her way over to the door--figuring that George and Izzie had ordered food--but as she finally pulled it open, the wallet slipped through her fingers to fall to the ground with a heavy thud.
It was Derek.
Meredith wasn't even sure if she was remembering to breathe. It seemed unimportant because there he was, standing in front of her. "Derek…" she whispered uncertainly, her eyes traveling over his waterlogged clothes as the sound of the rain rushed forward to fill the foyer. His hair was drenched, falling in slick dark curls that spilled unkempt across his forehead. Meredith's fingers itched to reach up and smooth them away from his eyes, but she kept her hands at her sides, clutching resolutely at the fabric of her sweatpants.
"Mer," he said softly, and her gaze flitted to his eyes as he spoke. She couldn't quite make out the expression that lingered there, but it was a raw jumble of emotions that made her heart hurt. He seemed to be filled with a leaden sadness; something broken and exhausted. Part of her wanted to be angry; to slam the door in his face as a consequence of what she had felt the entire day. But it was Derek, and so…she couldn't. Putting up new walls between them would hurt infinitely worse than dealing with the ones that already existed. And so finally, slowly, Meredith nodded her head, pushing the door open a little more.
Derek was staring at her as if entranced; the warm light of the hallway lit her from behind, surrounding her so that she nearly glowed ethereally. Her hair was golden and messy, a bright contrast to the sudden storminess in her eyes. He knew she was angry, but Derek could only sigh, feeling grateful to simply see her again. Her left hand was resting against her stomach, but suddenly she stretched out her right to him, palm upturned, almost like an offering. Derek's arm responded instinctively, swinging forward so that he clasped her small hand in his. Wordlessly, Meredith tugged on it, pulling him inside and out of the rain. And as she did, Derek felt the residue of pain and guilt that the rain had failed to wash away finally lift from him. Feeling the warm softness of her fingers threaded closely with his own, Derek realized that the complete vanishing of his agony over the hours he had spent at the lawyer's was entirely due to Meredith.
She was his absolution. It was her. It always had been, and always would be. Somehow, she didn't even need to speak. She opened a door and let him in to a house, and, simple as that, she saved him.
-----
Sooo…the divorce papers have been signed. Lawyers have been seen. Assets have been divided. Derek wanted very much to just go ahead with the divorce and let it be over now that he'd finally told Addison , that way he could go back to Meredith and be truly free to be with her, free to take her back home without having this guilt over his wife plaguing him. However, the physical and emotional effort of just charging through with all of this in a very short time leaves him to misjudge how Mer is doing, and think that she gets it, and will be okay for a day or so. Because really, there was only one full day in which he didn't see her. And old normal Mer probably would've been just fine with that. But now she's pregnant and uncertain, and still much more scared than she wants to admit, and even so, she tries very hard to act like she's fine with it. But she isn't. She's hurt and confused and just genuinely clueless over what is going on with Derek. And, the fact that he's not there when she goes home upsets her. Derek gets that it would when he realizes she's already at home. He was planning to be back there by then, just brimming with the news of signed divorce papers. However, things don't go quite as he planned in his mind, and this is worsened by the fact that Mer doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
And so she just feels very numb and empty and sad as she struggles to do her best not to freak out. Because, now that she's been discharged, the last thing she wants to do is stress herself out enough to end up back in the hospital. She does have her friends taking care of her, and they're about as confused as she is, and much more furious. And Alex stays at her house because well, honestly I just love the Mer/Alex friendship and wanted to include it. Because someone needed to cheer her up a bit, and (at least in my mind) they deal with things in a way that is very compatible. And just…I love Alex. So yeah, he was there, and he did help a bit. But in the end, Mer was by herself again, and all she really wanted was Derek. More than wanted him, she needed the guy. And, he finally gets there just when she's finally starting to break down. Because, whether by luck or fate or whatever, even in the midst of his stupid Derek funk, some distant part of him seems to know where she is, and his feet lead him to her house. And Meredith takes him in out of the rain. And, that's something. They both need to be together because, not only has she been longing for him all day, but simply being near her helps ease some of the guilt that Derek was feeling.
And yeah, that's about it. The next chapter will pick up exactly where this one left off. And, it'll be pretty much entirely Mer/Der, to make up for the very little bit of them there's been the past few chapters. So yeah, that's about it. Thanks so much for reading!