Okay, so…I'm still fairly buried beneath mountains of schoolwork. However, I managed to carve out a good chunk of procrastination time to get this chapter up! Now…this chapter is long. I say that a lot, but I actually debated splitting this one again…even though I'd already split this chapter between this part and the one before. But, I decided enough splitting already, or something… So, beware. This chapter is very, very long. I hope it works okay, and you don't fall asleep trying to read the whole thing. And anyway, because it's longish, I'm not going to say much else. Just, thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate it. It keeps me going, and motivated to finish the story when just lazing on the couch doing nothing seems like a nice option too! Hee. Anyway, enjoy!

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But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there, and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight
-----

Derek walked slowly down the stairs, just one foot in front of the other; every step slow and methodic, flat and dull. The heavy echoing thuds mimicked the beating of his heart, pretending to be as dull and weary and dark as his thoughts. Hesitating for a long tortured second, he raked his fingers back through the dark disheveled mess of his hair, and tried to will himself to keep walking. One more step and his family would come into his line of sight. His family. The word and the reality felt painfully disjointed now, leaving him buried beneath layers of confusion, outrage and simple hurt. Derek lingered a little longer, his body finally taking over for his mind, bringing him numbly from the foot of the stairs and into the stony silence of the front room.

His mother and his sister sat where he had left them, following his entrance with their eyes. Without giving them any sign of acknowledgement, Derek let his body fold seamlessly down into the curves of the couch, his head falling forward to rest in his hands. The silence was exquisite--dense and silky smooth, seemingly devoid of even the sounds of their breathing--and in that moment, neither woman dared to break it. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days, but eventually, just as his body had brought him from the stairs, Derek's hands deserted his face, leaving him to face his family. He shook his head, every word coming out low and rough. "I don't even know what to say to you."

The sound of her son's voice seemed to free Jacqueline because she sighed quietly, and left her seat to sit beside him on the couch. "Derek," she began, her voice as gentle as his had been coarse. "Your sisters are worried about you. I'm worried about you." He let his head fall forward again at that, but stopped its downward motion by catching his chin with his fist, grunting as he twisted to face her. Jacqueline continued--speaking quickly--as if eager to get as much out before the dark look in Derek's eyes found its way into words. "You seem so different now, and I'm afraid you're not giving yourself time to grieve for your marriage. You're just rushing into this new…life. And this new girl, she--" Jacqueline's voice took on a pointed edge as she broached the already volatile subject of Meredith, and Derek sat straight up as if his slumped form had been full of tightly coiled tension that found itself suddenly released.

"What did you say to her?"

Jacqueline sighed again and shook her head, skirting the question. "If you would just listen…"

"What did you say to her?" He repeated the question with more force--filling the words with something venomous. He stared straight at his mother and she stiffened, blue darkening to black simultaneously in the mirrors that were their eyes.

"Nothing untrue." She spoke unapologetically, her voice clear and intensifying without raising in volume; a reminder that her temper was every bit the equal of her son's.

"Nothing untrue?" repeated Derek, getting to his feet. He crossed the length of the room in five swift steps--every motion terse and frustrated--before rounding back on his family. "You don't even know her. How the hell do you know what's true? You didn't try for so much as five minutes to get to know her before you started judging her." He forced himself to fall silent at that, and give them a chance to reply; using every ounce of his will to still both his body and his tongue and simply let the accusation hang in the air.

And the reply he got was an awkward peal of laughter meant to disguise the slightly nervous unsettled feeling that filled Jacqueline as she watched her son. He seemed so changed to her. Even though he had always been infinitely more reserved than all her daughters combined, the Derek she knew was supposed to be warm and polite. Her son was charming, and cared for his family. Shepherds weren't supposed to abandon each other with nothing more than a few brief words of explanation, and move clear across the country. They didn't divorce. And yet, he had. Staring up at him, she saw nothing save a dark and troubled man. His eyes were angry, and filled with something she had never seen before in him, and couldn't place. He was resolutely closed off, the center of his world having shifted far, far away from New York. That shift had left a long trail in its wake, one full of things that she never would have expected of him, things that made her heart hurt, and wonder why her son had forgotten everything she thought she'd taught him. Jacqueline sighed as her laughter faded away, once again placing the blame for the loss of her son squarely on the new variable introduced into what she had long considered to be a perfectly balanced equation.

"What?" she began, as crisp and accusing as Derek had been. "You want me to welcome her with open arms when she broke up an eleven year marriage?"

"Meredith didn't break up anything," said Derek flatly, his answer immediate.

Jacqueline narrowed her eyes. "Your divorce was finalized just a few months ago, and that girl looks as if she could give birth any day now." She paused and shook her head, and when she continued, her voice was tinged with disappointment. "You had an affair with her."

"It wasn't an affair," said Derek angrily, hating to let the word soil what he and Meredith had been when they first started dating, hating the heavy implications the word cloaked her with. But his sister--who had previously sat close to invisible, for once holding her tongue and deferring to their mother--rolled her eyes and scoffed loudly at that. "It wasn't," repeated Derek, his voice growing louder, the set of his jaw stubborn.

"Really Derek," said Jacqueline coolly. "I'm your mother, not an idiot. What else do you call taking up with some girl when you're still married?"

"She's not just some girl," snapped Derek, glaring down at his mother. "She has a name." Jacqueline just raised an eyebrow, not at all swayed by his illogical denial of what to her seemed completely obvious, undeniably true. Derek heaved a sigh, the sound heavy and frustrated, dropping back down into a chair. His body felt weary, and he slumped in his seat, frowning at his family. "It's complicated," he tried at last. He struggled, but could find no desire to share his history with Meredith with his family. It was private…personal. After the way they had treated her, he expected nothing more from them save attempts to cheapen what he held in his memory as something precious. And so he gave a sharp shake of his head, arms folding over his chest as his expression grew petulant. "Addison cheated first." The words felt childish as soon as they left his lips, and he groaned, knowing instinctively that they would be misconstrued.

"I know she hurt you," said Jacqueline, her tone softening. "What she did was wrong, but it wasn't an excuse for you to break your vows as well. And Addison's sorry. She moved clear across the country for you, and you know as well as I do how she loves New York!" There was a fondness in her eyes as she spoke of his former wife, the woman's one mistake not enough to sullen over eleven years of memories of her coupled with her penitence apparent in giving up the job in Manhattan she had spent years cultivating. Jacqueline leaned forward, and pushed on. "Besides, can you even find what she did to be so unforgivable after having an affair yourself?"

"It's not a question of unforgivable or not," said Derek shortly. "We're divorced. It's over."

"I still don't see how you could divorce Addie," muttered Nancy, scowling at him through the veil of her lashes. Derek said nothing, his thoughts already drifting back to Meredith. He wanted to abandon the frustrations inherent in dealing with his family, and go up to check on her again. But he forced himself to sit still, knowing that she would more than likely not welcome the interruption, would find it smothering. Nancy ran a hand over the sleek surface of her hair, interpreting her brother's silence as an opening to continue. "She was great for you. Without her you've managed to turn into some crazed woodsman who lives in a frat house and knocks up his interns."

"I'm happy now," growled Derek, his voice hoarse; everything about his tone the complete opposite of the emotion he referenced. He got to his feet again, his frustration making it impossible for him to sit still. "Meredith makes me happy." Jacqueline made a soft disapproving sound low in her throat, and Derek whipped back around to glare at her. "Why do you hate her?" he demanded, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, and meeting his mother's steely gaze.

Derek's eyes were pained, and Jacqueline looked at him pityingly as she took a deep breath, promising herself that she wouldn't stop until she'd helped him understand. "You move clear across the country," she began, earning an irritated groan from Derek at the return to her earlier point. She simply held up a long slender hand--soft skin beginning to wrinkle with age, contrasting with the hard perfection of her manicure--and continued speaking. "You live in a trailer off in a forest somewhere, and force Addison to go against everything within herself to live there too. And then you get into a mess with one of your interns, and leave that amazing woman to…what? To live here?" She spoke incredulously, casting another glance around the house that overflowed with interns. "To run around with one of your subordinates, and proceed to throw away the past eleven years of your life?" she continued, her voice rising slightly. "What about your marriage and your vows? How am I supposed to approve of Meredith when she's reduced you to this? I raised you to have morals. And this is just…" She paused and shook her head, still more than a little overwhelmed by the fact that her son had divorced his wife. He was divorced. It went against everything in her own upbringing. She pursed her lips together, staring up into Derek's eyes, and finding his expression unreadable. "Do you have any idea what your father would think if he could see you now?" she added in a shaky voice.

The silence that followed her words was deathly; mother and son staring at each other, completely motionless. "See?" ventured Nancy at last, finding herself unnerved by the sudden thick tension within the room. She tried to grin, tried to laugh, tried to make her voice light. "She's bringing up dad. Told you she was pissed, Der." Derek gave a slight nod in his sister's direction. He knew what she was trying to do, and he felt a brief surge of gratitude for her attempt to ease the tension, but he couldn't seem to say anything. The mention of his father felt hideously akin to having a knife wrenched deep into his gut. He looked away from his family, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, feeling alone and misunderstood in entirely new ways.

"Derek," continued Jacqueline, her voice pleading with him to understand, to become her son again, to just stop staring at the ground. "I know people make mistakes. I know that. I was so proud of you for trying to work past Addie's…even if it meant you moved clear across the country. I was proud of you." She glanced down at her hand, twisting her wedding rings around her finger. Her husband had been dead for years, and yet, she had never stopped wearing them. She wasn't sure why she still did; a reminder; a habit; a way to cling to old fading memories. Maybe a little bit of all three. Folding her hands together to still them, she looked back up at Derek. "I know this is different because there's a baby involved, and you want to do the right thing, but there are ways to deal with this without giving up your life. You could have still been fair to Meredith, and taken care of your child without…" She paused, giving Derek an opportunity to speak as she tried to interpret the reasoning behind the bitter darkening of his eyes. He remained wordless and motionless, horrified into silence. Finally, Jacqueline got to her feet as well, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I just--" she sighed. "I just don't want to see you throwing away everything you've spent your whole life working towards for this woman you barely know, just because you're hurt and angry, and feeling the need to get back at Addison."

Derek blinked and drew away from her, feeling almost as if he were falling. "I'm in love with Meredith," he said hoarsely, too shocked by his mother's words to manage anything else.

"You really love her?" asked Nancy curiously, sounding skeptical yet less closed off to the idea than their mother still was. "This isn't a case of 'Damn, she's hot. Oh crap, she's pregnant'?"

"No," said Derek, his voice flat and tinged with disgust. "It's not. I love her, but the two of you seem determined to hate her."

"I don't hate her," snapped Jacqueline, a hand going to each hip. "I just think that you're making a very bad decision. And you're my son, Derek. If I don't say this to you, nobody will."

"Why is this a bad decision?" he snarled, the words coming out broken edged and angry. "Enlighten me, mom."

"She broke up a marriage," insisted Jacqueline immediately, her voice raising to match Derek's; just a hair below shouting. "A marriage, Derek. How can you not question her morals? Her integrity? She apparently sees no problem in having an affair with her boss!" She shook her head, her voice growing louder as she finally stopped curbing some of the darker thoughts that had been plaguing her since she'd first heard about Derek's unborn child, the words coming out like the harsh crack of gunshots. "For all you know, she might've gotten pregnant on purpose to get you to leave Addison. Are you even completely sure that's your baby?"

Derek pulled away from his mother as if she had slapped him, his eyes growing steely as the room filled with a roaring silence. He felt as if he were seeing red, and living one breath away from snapping completely. "If you want to have any hope of ever seeing your granddaughter," he began, his voice cold and full of something dangerous, his heart full of Meredith. "You will never speak about her mother like that again."

"Derek…"

"No," he shouted. "You walk into her house uninvited, and insinuate that she's a whore? You're unbelievable. Show her some fucking respect." Jacqueline raised her eyebrows; as taken back by her son swearing at her as he had been by her words.

"Respect?" she echoed shakily, furiously, her heart aching for what had been lost. "Addison was like a daughter to me. How am I supposed to respect someone who would knowingly destroy that? Knowingly take away a piece of my family forever?" Through the heavy haze of anger surrounding him, something clicked into place in Derek's mind, and he realized that part of his mother's reaction stemmed purely from hasty conclusions and a lack of knowledge.

"She didn't know," he snapped.

"What?"

"Shut up and listen," he growled, every last shred of trying to be polite to his family destroyed. "I'm not going to bother explaining this twice. Meredith didn't know. She's the only one innocent in all of this. She didn't know I was her boss when we met, and she didn't know I was married. I didn't tell her. We dated when I first moved out here, and she was…" Derek shook his head, his expression softening at the mere thought of her. "She's amazing," he continued as a slight smile played across his face. "She's the kindest person you'll ever meet. She's intelligent. Addison and I didn't make each other happy. We were just existing together out of habit. We weren't living, not really. But with Meredith…" He paused again, taking in his mother's blank expression, and the vaguest hint of a mildly impressed smile playing at the corners of Nancy's mouth. Giving another shake of his head, he sat back down on the couch, and raked a hand through his hair. "And the baby? That happened before Addison came to Seattle, before Meredith even knew about her." Derek groaned and buried his face in his hands, finding it painful to revisit what he'd put Meredith through those first few months even in memory. "I'd already left her to try and fix things with Addison before she realized she was pregnant," he continued quietly. "And when Mer did tell me, she told me to keep trying with my wife…that I shouldn't get a divorce just because of the baby." He let out a short incredulous bark of a laugh, saying, "I mean, the idea that she'd get pregnant on purpose to…what? Blackmail me into being with her? Not only is it impossible, it's nothing short of insane. The program she's in is hard. She's risking her spot, and everything she spent the past four years working for, to have our baby. If Richard didn't adore her like he does…" Derek trailed off again, thinking of how difficult the past few months had been for Meredith, and of how many rules had been silently bent for her without her knowledge. Casting a glance towards the empty staircase, he felt suddenly anxious about her continued absence. It was taking her far too long to come downstairs. He looked back at his family, and a frown scrawled across his face as his nerves jangled over Meredith. "Not that any of this is your business," he continued when neither woman made any attempt to respond, but simply stared blankly at him. Unable to sit still any longer, he got to his feet, and headed towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" called Jacqueline, her son's sudden departure jolting her from her spiraling thoughts.

"To check on Meredith," he snapped, glancing quickly back over his shoulder. "Either leave, or start thinking of ways to apologize to her. Profusely."

-----

Meredith sat with her head in her hands, tears streaming from her eyes down her cheeks. They pooled on her palms before trickling in slender shimmering lines down the length of her arms. She tried to take a deep breath, but she couldn't seem to stop sobbing. She shifted so that her hand was over her mouth, trying to at least stifle the harsh broken sound. She had driven barely two minutes from her house before the tears had started to kick in full force, and her thoughts had spiraled resolutely off to someplace bitter and dark. Miraculously, her body had taken over for her, switching into the very same autopilot that got her safely to work at four in the morning when she was feeling dead on her feet. She had driven the only route she could handle unthinkingly, and had wound up staggering uncertainly down the pristine white halls of the hospital, feeling dirty and miserable and painfully obvious, before finding shelter in an empty surgical gallery. The lighting was mercifully dim and comforting, only a faint glow filtering in from the hallway through the open door. However, the plastic seat was stiff and unyielding beneath her, and Meredith shifted uncomfortably as she cried. She tried to take another deep breath, to force herself to calm down, but she couldn't stop crying. It was as if a dam within her had been breached, and the day's worth of pain and humiliation was determined to let itself out through her tear ducts. As a result, she could do nothing more than suck in air in shallow breathy gasps, unaware of the echoing footsteps coming to a sudden halt just outside the gallery.

The figure lingering in the doorway had long legs and red hair, her jacket slung over her shoulders, halfway to going home for the evening. But the sound of muffled sobbing had stilled her feet, and she peered curiously into the empty gallery. Addison lifted an eyebrow in astonishment, instantly recognizing the head of dirty blonde hair. "Meredith?" she called out, the name slipping from her lips before she had a chance to process what she was doing. The younger woman whirled around, her face blotchy and tear streaked. She managed a startled gasp in between sobs, cringing inwardly with embarrassment. Not bothering to reply, she turned back around, and buried her face in her hands again. Her shoulders shook as she tried in vain to calm down; hoping that, if she could just sit still enough, maybe Addison would go away.

Addison was shifting back and forth from the balls of her feet to the severe spikes of her heels, reluctant to go and comfort Meredith, but unable to simply abandon the crying woman now that she'd found her. She cast a hopeful glance down the hall, eyes searching for Derek or Yang, or any of Bailey's interns, really. However, the hallway was resolutely bare. There was nothing else to do but go in. With a deep determined breath, she forced herself to walk into the gallery, and down the shallow stairs to the front row of chairs where the intern sat. Meredith stiffened slightly with each staccato footfall, growing positively rigid as Addison lowered herself down to sit beside her, her every movement fluid and graceful.

"Are you okay?" asked Addison quietly, sounding unsure. A frown darkened her brow as she spoke, instantly berating herself for asking such a stupid question. Of course Meredith wasn't okay. People who were okay generally were not found crying hysterically in an empty surgical gallery. However…she simply couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Yes," croaked Meredith as if she were choking on the word. She glanced hesitantly at Addison, unable to decipher much more than a blurry shape; her vision hindered by her unrelenting tears. "I…yes," she stammered. "I'm okay."

"Are you waiting for Derek?" continued Addison worriedly. "Should I page him?" Meredith shook her head fiercely, feeling a surge of guilt at having run away coupled with deep seated fear at the thought of seeing him again now that Jacqueline's words had thoroughly permeated every inch of her body and mind. She sobbed louder--more uncontrollably--and shook her head again.

"No…" She moaned through her tears, balling her hands into fists, and pressing them hard against her eyelids.

"Are you sure?"

"Not Derek," she choked out in response, the thin frantic pitch to her voice filling Addison with unease.

"Did he…" began Addison tentatively, reaching out and laying a wary hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Did he do something?" she asked. The younger woman's shoulder trembled against her palm, and Addison felt a sudden strong surge of anger at the thought of Derek doing something to hurt Meredith, to make her so miserable. But once again, Meredith just shook her head.

"No. He…Derek, he's busy." She stammered out her reply in between short breathy gasps, suddenly leaning forward to cradle her spinning head in her hands. "I just…I just want to be alone." She hiccupped, and sobbed harder, before adding a shaky, "Please…"

Addison looked her up and down for barely half a second before denying her request. "No," she said simply, scooting towards the edge of her seat, and gripping Meredith's arm. "I'd be an idiot to leave you alone right now. You're going to make yourself ill if you keep this up." Without waiting for her to protest, she got to her feet, and eased Meredith up as well. Meredith shook slightly, stumbling against the taller woman, before regaining her balance. She glared down at the floor, sniffling as she dragged a hand across her leaky eyes, still unable to think of much of anything beyond the hateful words that echoed determinedly in her mind. She followed Addison wordlessly, barely even aware of where they were going. All she knew was the violent onslaught of her tears, and the overwhelming knowledge that Derek's family hated her. Derek would probably hate her too before long. It was only a matter of time before his family got to him, and she found herself alone with a baby. Meredith sobbed louder at the thought, turning her face into the smothering safety of a pillow as Addison eased her onto a bed in an empty room, a little ways down the hall from the gallery they'd been in. Instinctively, Meredith curled up, bringing her knees as close to her chest as she could before they were halted by the presence of her stomach. She gasped in a rattling breath of air, struggling to keep from just giving in, and pulling the covers up over her head like a child.

"Meredith…" Addison was speaking to her gently, her voice full of far more concern than Meredith had anticipated. She tried to respond, but managed nothing more than a pathetic whimper, her shoulders still shaking as the intensity of her sobbing left her close to senseless. "Meredith," tried Addison again, raising her voice in an attempt to snap Meredith out of the strange state she'd fallen into. "Can you sit up for me?" She got no reply save more stammered tear-filled sounds and the raspy hitch of her breathing. "Are you in pain?" she pressed on, giving up on waiting for Meredith to comply, and shifting the tiny woman bodily. She hiked the intern's top up, pressing a hand against her round stomach before moving to fit a blood pressure cuff around her arm. "You're not having contractions again, are you?"

The questions about her baby jarred Meredith from her tears more than anything else. "No," she said in a small voice, after managing a big gulp of air. She brought her hand down to the large naked curve of her stomach, still shaking her head. "It's not the baby." Addison frowned at the reading as she pulled the cuff from Meredith's arm--the Velcro ripping loudly--but gave a slight nod.

"Okay," she ventured, unsure of whether she should trust the response. "I want you on your left side though." She breathed a sigh of relief as Meredith complied on her own, sniffling a little as she turned. "Umm…if it's not the baby," she continued hesitantly.

"It's nothing," mumbled Meredith, but she whimpered softly as she spoke, fresh tears still spilling from her eyes.

"Meredith…"

Addison's voice was once again surprisingly gentle, coaxing an explanation from her. Meredith gave a slight shrug, teeth worrying at her lower lip. "It's just me," she whispered at last, instantly feeling foolish, and screwing her eyes tightly shut.

"It's you?" echoed Addison, her brows knitting together. "Are you…what is it?"

"I had a bad day," came the low warbled reply, Meredith pressing the back of her hand to her closed eyes, once again close to tears.

"Okay," agreed Addison softly. She shifted her weight, feeling uncomfortably hesitant and unsure. "Would you like me to see about getting one of your friends in here to talk to? Yang, maybe?"

Meredith gave a helpless shrug. "No…I don't know. I just--" She trailed off, twisting her head slightly to look up at Addison, her expression one of genuine confusion. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Addison, looking as puzzled as the intern. Meredith shrugged again, her voice returning to that thin fragile sound that was swollen with the threat of tears.

"I don't know. They hate me, and if they hate me, you should… And just, Derek's…" She paused and gasped for air, her eyes burning. "Derek, his…"

Addison frowned, and raked a slender hand through the long red waves of her hair, trying not to mind the repeated references to her ex-husband. "Are you sure you don't want me to get him?" she asked. Again, Meredith responded with a fierceness that was unnerving, her voice full of fear and worry.

"No," she moaned, her shoulders shaking once more with quiet sobs. "I just…want to be alone. I'm fine." Addison sighed, but nodded her head.

"Okay," she relented, her mind racing. "You just rest Meredith, and I'll come check on you in a little bit, okay?" Meredith gave a slight nod, the room blurring away into bitter broken cries as the thought of Derek pushed his family to the forefront of her mind. She curled up with her hands clasped beneath her stomach, barely registering Addison's departure.

Addison closed the door, collapsing against the wall just outside the room. Meredith's sobbing filtered out into the hallway--troubled and shaky sounds. Addison glanced down at her phone, freeing it from the clip at her waist. She hesitated for a moment, unable to forget Meredith's adamant reaction, before giving in, and doing the only thing she could think of. Her thumb danced quickly across the keypad, dialing Derek's number.

He answered on the second ring; his voice rough, but other than that, unreadable. "Hello?"

"Derek? It's Addison."

That earned her a frustrated sigh. "What?"

"It's…well," she began, casting a glance through the small rectangular window in the door, looking at Meredith's trembling form, and hoping that she wasn't about to put herself awkwardly in the middle of some lovers' quarrel. "I'm calling because…"

"What, Addison?" he snapped, sounding cross, worried, and distracted all at once. "I don't have time right now. I have to find…"

"Meredith," she blurted out, cutting him off. "It's about Meredith."

"Meredith?" he echoed instantly. "What? Do you know where she is? Please, tell me you know where she is." She didn't reply at first, taken back by just how quickly he gave her his complete attention, just how frantic he became at the mere mention of Meredith's name, fighting off an old pang of jealousy as a result. "Addison," he pressed. "Tell me."

"She's…ah, yeah. She's at the hospital."

"The hospital? Why?" Derek shook his head disbelievingly, gripping the phone so tight that his knuckles went white. He felt as if the ground had suddenly started spinning violently beneath his feet, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. "What happened to her? God…the baby?"

"Breathe," urged Addison gently. "I'm not sure what's wrong, but it's not the baby. I found her crying in a gallery. She was close to hysterical, and her blood pressure's through the roof, but that seems to be about it." Her voice took a hopeful almost happy turn at the end that echoed discordantly inside Derek's head.

"That seems to be about it?" he shot back. "You say that like it's a good thing. How the hell is any of this a good thing?" He raked his free hand through his hair, the violent thudding of his heart reverberating in his ears as he thought of Meredith at the hospital. Addison blinked in astonishment, not taking the time to register that his anger was being misdirected at her, and simply replying just as harshly.

"She's not having contractions," she snapped. "She's not in labor. Which, given the way she was acting when I found her, is nothing short of a miracle. So, unless you were hoping to send your girlfriend straight to an OR and your child straight to the NICU, the fact that she's just crying is a very good thing." Her reply was followed by a long silence and a longer sigh.

"Sorry," muttered Derek at last. "I'm sorry Addie. I just, today's been…"

"A bad day?" she supplied wryly.

"Yeah," he breathed. "But I'll come on over right now."

"Umm…" Addison frowned, casting a guilty look back at Meredith. "She was very adamant I not call you. But I didn't want to have to sedate her, and I thought…maybe you'd know what's wrong?"

"Great," groaned Derek. "She doesn't want… This is just great."

"What did you do?" Addison spoke sharply, suddenly feeling an odd surge of protectiveness for the intern. "Were you an ass? Because Derek, now is not the time to be an ass to her. I thought you knew that."

"I wasn't an ass," he said indignantly. "She met my mother. And Nancy."

"Oh-- Wait, here? In Seattle? And that didn't go well? But your mother's lovely…"

"No, it didn't go well," snapped Derek, an edge to his voice. He moaned, his knuckles digging angry red marks into the smooth surface of his forehead. "I can't believe this is happening. You know, a little warning from you would've been nice."

"Excuse me?"

"You're the reason they're here. You're the reason they know all this stuff," he said, his voice rising as he finally found an outlet for the day's pain. "What the hell did you say to my mother to get her to fly out here already hating Meredith?"

"Nothing," said Addison instantly, shaking her head. "I told her we were divorced. She wanted to know why you hadn't called, and I said it was probably because of your girlfriend being pregnant. That you were busy taking care of Meredith! That's all."

"Right…"

"Derek, I'm serious. And I'm sorry, but…I had no idea they were coming. She didn't mention anything about it."

"You still could've told me that you'd talked," he growled angrily.

"Whoa," snapped Addison, finally growing frustrated. "You don't get to be mad at me for your sudden inability to talk to your own family. I tried to wipe the conversation completely from my mind. I mean, do you have any idea how humiliating it was for me to be the one to tell your mother we're divorced?" Her words were sharp, and met with silence as Derek forced himself to take a deep breath, stifling the desire to simply take the easy route and blame his family's attitude entirely on his ex-wife.

"I'm sorry," he managed at last.

"Thank you," said Addison quietly, rather taken back by the fact that he'd apologized. Derek nodded, forgetting that the gesture was meaningless over the phone as his thoughts returned completely to Meredith.

"How is she now?" he asked, his voice worried yet full of hope. Addison frowned and shuffled over a few steps, peering through the window once more. Meredith still lay on her side, running a hand up and down the length of her stomach. She'd stopped trembling and sobbing, but even from out in the hallway, Addison could pick up on the deep sorrow radiating from her small frame, and the few tears that still leaked unbidden from her eyes.

"Better," she answered truthfully. "She's calmed down a lot, but Derek…you've got to get her through this. All this stress…"

"I know…" He shook his head in frustration, saying, "She just, she doesn't talk. Whenever anything's wrong, she bottles herself up and pretends to be fine."

"So make her talk."

"What? Addison, she won't."

Addison rolled her eyes at that, giving a shake of her head that sent her red hair swinging. "Right," she scoffed. "Like she wouldn't do anything you asked."

"I just--"

"I'm gonna go check on her," interrupted Addison, feeling suddenly uncomfortable as she looked back through the window. "She's in room 2712. If you want to come and take her home…it should be fine."

"Yeah," said Derek instantly. "I'm already on my way." He hung up, the line going dead before Addison had a chance to reply.

"Great," she muttered to herself, hanging up her own phone, and reattaching it to its clip. She took a deep breath, self-consciously smoothing her hands over her skirt before forcing herself to walk back into the room. "Meredith," she called gently as the younger woman looked up, instinctively raising a small hand to dry her eyes. "How're you doing?"

"Okay," murmured Meredith absently, her teeth back to worrying at the corner of her lip. She paused for a moment before flicking her gaze over to Addison, her green eyes sharp beneath their sheen of tears. "Can I go?" she asked uncertainly. "I mean…thank you, but the baby's fine, so…?"

"Actually--" Addison hesitated for a second, an anxious note creeping into her voice. "I called Derek. He's going to come take you home." Meredith bolted upright at that, her face paling considerably.

"What? Why?"

"Because you were crying hysterically twenty minutes ago, so I don't think it's such a great idea if you drive a car," answered Addison practically, causing Meredith to fall silent.

"Fine," she mumbled at last, folding her hands, and staring down at her lap. She closed her eyes, trying to promise herself that there was no way that Derek would show up with his mother and sister still in tow. Just as she was working on blocking them from memory, Addison cleared her throat.

"So you met the Shepherds?" Meredith looked up in alarm--instantly filling with fear--but found no trace of the hostility she'd experienced earlier in Addison's eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?" continued Addison hesitantly, not quite sure what she was doing, but feeling the need to say something, to help Meredith somehow.

"What?" whispered Meredith, twisting a wavy strand of her hair tightly around her finger in a dirty blonde coil. Her eyes were wide and confused; her fear rapidly being replaced by astonishment. "You want to talk to me?"

Addison shrugged--a slight raise of one shoulder--as she made herself a tentative perch at the foot of the bed. "I didn't really warn Derek, and…I know them pretty well. I just thought, if you wanted…" Meredith frowned, unused to hearing Addison sound so unpolished, so wary. She blinked up at her in confusion; having a hard time reconciling the sudden kindness with the day she'd had.

"But," she began quietly. "I'm-- I'm the reason your…" She trailed off uncertainly, but the remainder of the sentence rang clearly in the silent room.

"Meredith, you're not the reason my marriage fell apart." Addison shook her head, suddenly laughing bitterly to herself. "Even Mark's not the reason my marriage fell apart. It'd be nice if I could blame it all on him, but…" She trailed off, and looked back at Meredith, her expression growing stern. "Derek and I are the reason our marriage fell apart, not you." Meredith gave a hesitant nod, teeth still worrying at her lip. "And I don't hate you," Addison pressed on, earning a weak smile from Meredith.

"They hate me," she said in a small voice, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"They don't really hate you."

"Oh yes. They do," continued Meredith, sounding a little bit stronger. She laughed dryly, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "They hate me. With the fiery whatever of a thousand suns." Folding her arms over her stomach, she went back to biting her lip, not quite sure why she suddenly felt comfortable alone in a room with Addison. She offered her a quick wary smile, and the gesture was promptly returned.

"Look, it's not so much that they hate you," explained Addison earnestly, crossing one long leg easily over the other. "It's just that they love Derek. He was the only boy, and he's got five women now who think they know what's best for him, and aren't afraid to say it. They're bossy and opinionated and…" She shook her head, smirking slightly. "Why do you think he flew clear across the country?"

"Well I thought because of you…" began Meredith before realizing what she was saying. She trailed off awkwardly, her cheeks flushing. "Sorry," she muttered. "I didn't mean it like that." Addison just shrugged, looking almost amused.

"It was a large part of it," she admitted. "But with his family, he's never got the chance to really be his own person. It's always been what they wanted. They can be cruel to people who don't fit perfectly into their world."

"Great…" moaned Meredith, wrinkling her nose, and slumping back against the pillows. "That rules me out." She bit down hard on her lip, valiantly trying to ignore the way her eyes had started to sting again.

"Don't," said Addison softly, thinking back to the way Derek looked at Meredith, and the truth inherent in that. "You fit into Derek's world. The one he chose for himself, not the one he was wedged into. And that's what really matters." She paused and smiled at Meredith, realizing that that was the first time she had spoken about the two of them without her heart instantly clenching into something jagged and broken.

"Right," breathed Meredith quietly, still uncertain. However, a fine hairline crack finally appeared in the deep wall around her heart, and the tension that seemed to grip at her violently lessened every so slightly. She relaxed back against the support of the pillows, sighing softly as she stared down at her hands. The two women sat in silence for a few minutes; speaking easily to each other still a new and cautious thing.

The thick quiet was broken by another voice, and Meredith looked up to find Derek walking into the room. "Hey," he said, his voice low and soft as he crossed over to where she sat on the bed. He moved quickly, reaching out to run his hand down the length of her hair, needing to feel concrete proof that Meredith was okay.

"Hey," she mumbled, looking away from his troubled eyes to stare down at her hands again, working her watch in circles around her wrist. Addison was looking curiously back and forth between the two of them, but Meredith didn't notice. She felt suddenly on edge; a strange combination of guilt and anxiety, embarrassment and uncertainty. "Sorry," she finally whispered, the word barely making it to his ears.

"For?" prompted Derek in confusion.

"For disappearing when I said I'd be right back."

Derek just shook his head, willing to forget the way his heart had clenched when he went to check on her only to find her missing. He felt too worried and too guilty over his family to be angry. "It's okay," he said quietly, taking her hand in his, their fingers easily lacing together.

"Umm…" began Addison uncomfortably, seizing the moment of silence to get down from the bed. "I'll be going then." She shrugged her jacket on as she backed towards the door, feeling out of place alone with the couple.

"Addison," called Meredith, her voice suddenly strong and earnest as she leaned forward in bed, peering around Derek. The taller woman halted her backwards shuffle, cocking an eyebrow as she looked up. "I just--" Meredith paused--hand drifting to her hair--one slender finger instantly tangling itself in a loose strand. "Thank you, for…" Halting again, she gave a shrug, unsure of how to finish.

"Of course," said Addison quickly, wordlessly understanding what she was getting at. She smiled uncertainly, nodding as Derek mouthed his thanks, before mumbling a quick "goodnight," and disappearing down the hall.

The silence that grew as the echo of Addison's footsteps faded away into nothingness left Meredith shifting uncomfortably, suddenly unsure of what to say to Derek. She felt curiously like a child who had been caught doing something wrong, and her eyes were guilty as she chewed on her lip. "Can we go?" she asked abruptly, growing frustrated and scooting towards the edge of the bed, swinging her legs over.

"Yeah," answered Derek. He watched her warily as he helped her back up, setting her gently on her feet. Meredith followed ever so slightly behind him as they made their way to his car, scuffing the toes of her shoes as she walked. The memories of the afternoon with his family were once again at the forefront of her mind, and so she slumped down into the car in resolute silence, carefully nursing her own thoughts, and avoiding Derek's eyes. The air inside the car was sharp and tense; with Derek casting repeated glances in her direction out of the corner of his eye, and Meredith studiously ignoring them. She folded her arms tightly around her stomach, trying desperately to pretend that silence felt normal, that it wasn't grating, and full of things they were supposed to talk about. Finally growing frustrated, she turned towards Derek, saying his name just as he said hers.

"Oh…you first," she said quickly.

"No," he replied with a grin that felt out of place in the stifling car. "Ladies first."

Meredith frowned, but nodded her head, racking her mind for something to say. She'd spoken to shatter the silence--growing restless with its blatant refusal to feel normal--yet had nothing planned. "Umm," she began at last. "What happened to your family?" She cast a pointed glance at the backseat as if she half expected Jacqueline and Nancy to be seated there.

"I sent them back to their hotel," he said, his eyes darkening close to black at the thought of his mother and sister.

"Oh…" Meredith nodded, staring out the window.

"Mer, I'm so sorry about them. There's no excuse for how they talked to you."

She shrugged, and shook her head, her forehead bumping uncomfortably against the slightly fogged pane of glass. "It's okay," she mumbled. She could feel Derek looking at her disbelievingly, and she tried to strengthen her voice into something convincing. "I'm fine, really."

"You're fine?" echoed Derek. "Then why did you run off to cry in a gallery?"

"I just--" She shook her head again, wincing as her skull rapped against the thick glass. A frown settled over her features as she debated whether or not she could just remain silent. Finally she sighed, her voice cross as she answered him. "I needed some space."

"Meredith," continued Derek, using the advantage provided by a red light to turn and really look at her. She was still pressed resolutely up against the window, her attention trained on the darkened city streets, and her arms folded close to her body, resting atop her stomach. She looked small and bruised, the night shadows hiding her expression. "What's really going on?" he asked gently

"Your family doesn't like me," she snapped, whirling around abruptly to glare at him. "That's what's going on." Her angry scowl flickered for a second before fading back into a soft frown as she turned once more to the window. "Families and I have a long history of not working well together," she muttered. "So, whatever. It's not a big deal. Can we just drop this?"

"No, we can't."

"No?" echoed Meredith incredulously, twisting slightly so that she could glower at him out of the corners of her narrowed eyes. "Derek, there's nothing to talk about! They're back at the hotel, and I'm fine. I'm fine with all of it, okay?"

"Which would be great if it were true," he said, growing frustrated. "But it's not."

"What's not? You said yourself they went back to the hotel!"

"You, Meredith. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about you. You're not fine."

Meredith sighed angrily, giving up the seclusion of the window to glare directly at him. "I said I was fine," she snapped. "Why are you so hell-bent on not believing me?"

"Because you're not dealing with anything," argued Derek, thinking back to the two solemn almost silent months he'd just lived through with Meredith. "I'll believe you when you realize that saying you're fine doesn't automatically make your problems go away." Meredith just scowled, choosing not to answer. She raised an eyebrow, and stared down at her stomach, ignoring Derek's heavy sigh. They drove in silence again--thicker and more painful than before--until Derek slammed on the brakes, the car coming to a sudden unexpected halt. "Get out of the car," he said, his voice still rough, but no longer quite so angry. Meredith looked up at him in confusion. They were nowhere near her house, but were down by the docks, the long inky stretch of water only a few feet away.

"What?" asked Meredith. "Why?" Derek didn't reply, but simply got out of the car himself, the door slamming shut with a heavy thud. Shaking her head, Meredith grudgingly opened her own door, stepping out into the cool night air. She stalked straight past Derek, still irritated from his insistent questioning, and made her way over to the metal guard rail. She leaned her weight against it, staring down at the dark and choppy waves beneath her, pinpricks of stars and moonlight wavering reflected in the watery depths. She breathed in deeply, the water serving to relax her slightly, even as she shivered from the cold.

"Here--"

She turned to find Derek standing behind her, easing his jacket off, and wrapping it tightly around her. His voice had reverted to its familiar gentle tone, and Meredith sighed shakily, leaning forward so that her forehead pressed against his chest. She hated fighting with him, and so, for a long moment, she simply closed her eyes, relishing the warmth of his jacket and the steady thud of his heartbeat echoing in her ears. He frowned down at her bent head as he felt his shirt dampen with her tears, feeling desperate to do something to fix her. "Come on," he murmured at last, walking her over to a nearby bench. Meredith settled down next to him, blinking her few tears away.

"What are we doing here?" she mumbled.

"Watching the ferryboats."

Meredith frowned at that, staring at the dark empty expanse of water stretched before them. "There aren't any out right now," she said, prompting Derek to shrug.

"One might come along." He turned to look at her, his teasing grin quickly fading away, his countenance growing serious, almost stern. "Meredith…"

"Derek," she interrupted, rolling her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Except you're not," he insisted, pulling his coat closer to her small frame, and tracing the line of her jaw with one finger. Meredith just sighed in frustration, looking away.

"Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to say I'm not fine? Is that going to make you happy?" Her voice was sharp and irritated, and she drew away from him as she spoke. She was watching him from beneath the shelter of her long lashes, feeling once again on edge. Derek bristled at her tone, but forced himself to keep his voice calm.

"I just want you to tell me the truth," he urged. "Whatever it is, Mer…" He shook his head, the blue of his eyes almost as dark as the sky overhead. "I just-- I can't remember the last time you smiled." His heart broke a little at the admission even as the cynical mocking grin she forced her mouth into at his words made him smile slightly in amusement. "Please, just tell me what's wrong."

"What if nothing's wrong?" asked Meredith stubbornly.

"Well then we can sit here until you figure it out."

"Seriously?" He grinned and shrugged as Meredith's eyes flashed indignantly. "You know, this is your child," she snapped, jerking her chin down towards her swollen belly. "You're going to make your very pregnant girlfriend sit out in the cold in the middle of the night until she talks?"

"Meredith," began Derek soothingly, wrapping an arm around her.

She just shoved it off. "No. I think that qualifies as torture." Wrinkling her nose at him, she scooted purposely over to the far end of the bench. "Next you're gonna want to steal my shoes, just so it can be the whole barefoot and whatever thing."

"Mer, calm down," said Derek, trying hard not to smile at the indignant expression on her face. "I'm not stealing your shoes." He paused and looked at her, his eyes growing solemn. "And we can go home right now if you want, but…this isn't good. I can't keep looking the other way, and pretending I don't notice that you're falling apart."

"I'm not falling apart," said Meredith quietly, her own anger fading away at the pain in Derek's voice.

"Addison said you were hysterical."

"I just--" She hesitated, frowning as she glanced at him before looking quickly back down at her lap. "Your family hates me," she admitted at last, her voice trembling. "Your mom thinks I'm…I don't know, that I'm some cheap whore who scours the hospital in search of marriages to destroy." She shook her head, resolutely avoiding Derek's eyes, and fighting off the tears in her own. Her voice sounded thin and far away, almost unfamiliar.

"You're not," said Derek, his voice at once both gentle and fierce as he moved down the bench to her, taking her in his arms. "She was wrong, and angry at me, and took it all out on you." He bent down, pressing his lips to the top of her head. Meredith leaned back against his chest, trying to convince herself that he was telling the truth. "You know I don't believe a word she said, right?" he asked when she remained completely silent, her body still tense beneath his hands.

Meredith frowned, giving a slight shrug. "You will," she said, her voice a thin whisper that was almost lost to the night wind.

"I will?" echoed Derek incredulously. "You really think that?"

"She's your mother…"

"I know she's my mother," he allowed. "I also know she's wrong." She stayed silent as he pulled her further into his arms, his hands resting over her stomach. "Meredith," he murmured, her name a low troubled sound on his lips.

"What?" She twisted slightly, turning her head so that her eyes found his.

"They can say as many cruel things as they can think of, and it will only ever make me think less of them. Never of you."

Meredith nodded at that, but her eyes were still wide with worry. "It's just," she began, her voice shivering slightly. She hesitated, but Derek lifted an eyebrow inquisitively, encouraging her to continue. "What if they… Well, they really hate me. You want to be in this continual feud with your family over who you're with?" She looked away as she spoke, her teeth digging into her lip to keep it from trembling.

"That's not gonna happen," said Derek simply as Meredith's brow wrinkled in confusion. "If they can't accept you, or if you want me to choose, if you don't want to ever see them again after the way they treated you…I'll choose." She stiffened slightly at that out of reflex, but his next words were the exact opposite of her deepest fear. "And it would be you," he continued. "Don't think for a second that I wouldn't choose you."

"You can't do that," said Meredith immediately, turning around and shaking her head. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You can," he countered, his voice growing low and earnest as he spoke. "I'm in love with you. I've loved you since…I think since the night we met, Meredith. You took one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and turned it into something amazing. You're giving me a child." His eyes were dark as he stared at her--dark and reverent and full of awe. "You can ask a lot of things. And you can ask this if it's what you need."

"No," she whispered, his words leaving her eyes brimming with tears. "You shouldn't ban them from your life." She looked away from him, twisting the fabric of his shirt in her hands. "I-- They're your family. I never really had one, but you should keep yours. I mean, it seems like it'd be a nice thing to have…most of the time."

He laughed bitterly at that. "Some of the time."

"Yeah," she allowed, leaning back into his arms, and finally smiling a little. "Some of the time."

"Okay," he said, his voice almost lost beneath the soft rustle of her hair. He stared down at her as she settled against him, black lashes fluttering down over pale skin, and gently closing. She sighed and pulled him closer, part of the vice that held her heart finally lying broken. "Mer," he ventured at last, after they had sat a long time in silence, listening to nothing more than the waves.

"Mmm?" she murmured, not opening her eyes.

He frowned--hesitating for a moment--unsure if he should leave her alone for the night. However, he had finally gotten her to speak, and he couldn't shake the fear that if he simply stopped now, she would be back to murmuring that she was fine, that everything was fine the very next day. "What else is wrong?" he prodded, keeping his voice quiet. She grudgingly opened an eye at that, regarding him skeptically with one narrow slit of green.

"What are you now?" she mumbled crossly. "Some kind of shrink?"

Derek just grinned. "Well, this is a sort of couch."

"Bench, Derek. It's a bench. A very cold, uncomfortable bench."

"Cold and uncomfortable?" he echoed disbelievingly, pretending not to notice his own stiff back and legs. "Why I've never sat on a nicer bench in my life." Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes, letting out a surprised squeal as he hoisted her onto his lap without warning. "Better?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Better," agreed Meredith, before craning her neck back to look at him. "But I'm still not playing shrink with you."

"Hmm…" His voice was a low sound in her ear, and Meredith shivered despite the warmth of his jacket wrapped around her. "You say that now." She shook her head, her gaze drifting back to the water as they fell back into silence. The silence, however, was short lived, and she clambered down from his lap without warning. "What?" he asked, taking in her sudden bright grin.

"Ferryboat!"

She held out her hand to him almost childishly, tugging him towards the railing, and the faint glimmer of lights moving over the water in the distance. It was a small distant glow; something hopeful in the vast darkness, and Meredith stared at it intently.

"Told you one would come by," said Derek proudly, his voice low and just a little bit smug as he wrapped his arms around her. Meredith only nodded, her smile already fading away to be replaced by silent streaming tears, falling unbidden from her eyes. She kept her head turned straight forward, hiding them from his view. And for a long time, tears simply rolled soundlessly down her cheeks as she stared out over the water, blurring her view of the boat into a little golden smudge against the horizon. But eventually, her lip started to tremble, and she shivered sharply as she breathed in. "Meredith?" he asked, feeling the reverberations through his own body. Meredith just shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as tears found a way to ooze out of the corners anyway. "Mer, what is it?" And before she could protest, her eyes flew back open as Derek turned her around, his expression instantly worried as he caught sight of her tears. "Hey," he said gently, using his thumbs to dry her damp skin. "Why are you crying?"

Meredith shrugged, feeling suddenly pathetic. "I don't know," she stammered, her voice thin and tremulous. She pulled away from him, shaking her head back and forth. "I don't know," she repeated, cutting him off as he opened his mouth to speak, her eyes frantic and helpless. "I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what's wrong…why I'm not happy. I just don't know!" Her voice broke, and she started to sob, her face scrunching painfully as tears streamed freely down her cheeks.

"Okay," said Derek instantly, moving to wrap his arms around her. She started to turn away, but he tightened his grip, holding her still. And, with a rattling sigh, she simply gave in, and let herself fall into his embrace, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. "Okay," he repeated, stepping closer until her rounded body was awkwardly flush with his. "You don't have to know." His eyes were dark and troubled, but he kept his voice calm. "We can figure it out Mer," he promised. "Whatever it is." She nodded weakly, her world shifting as she let her weight fall onto him until it was only his arms holding her up while she cried. She closed her eyes to the tears, feeling almost as if she were floating; something light and wonderful in the middle of what felt like a sea of painful uncertainty. But as her tears finally faded away to the low soothing song of Derek's voice in her ear--promising her the sun and the moon and everything in between--she found herself back on her own two feet, no longer floating.

"I--" she said as she finally caught her breath, fitting a hand between them to dry her tears. She looked up at Derek uncertainly, but found only encouragement in his eyes. "I'm going to be a terrible mother," she admitted softly, quickly looking away from him.

"What?" Derek frowned, shaking his head. "Why?"

"My mother was a great surgeon," she muttered, still not meeting his eyes. "But she wasn't exactly a great mom. You can't be both…it's not…" She shook her head, her breath drawing shakily past her lips. "And I'm not even a great surgeon. I'm behind. I'm missing stuff." She shrugged, looking back at Derek as she laughed sadly, the sound thin and humorless. "I'm just gonna be crap at both."

"No you're not," said Derek earnestly. "It won't be easy, but it won't be impossible."

"Really?"

"Really. You're gonna be a great mom, and a great doctor."

Meredith scoffed at that, slipping out of Derek's arms, and walking back over to the railing. She stared out at the darkened waves; ferryboat gone from view. "I'm not even excited," she mumbled in a low voice, her words almost inaudible. "I'm not excited. I…" She shook her head, leaning so that her chin was cradled in the palm of her hand as she glowered unhappily down at the inky water. "I don't even want her to be born, Derek," she admitted shakily. "I should be, I don't know, crossing the days off on the calendar or something, right? I should be going crazy over baby clothes, and…" She bit down on her lip, her nails digging into the palm of her hand. "You know…I hid. When you guys did the nursery, I went all the way down in the basement and hid."

Derek walked over to her, leaning against the bare expanse of the railing, and nodding his head. "I know."

"You know?" echoed Meredith disbelievingly, turning to look at him. "How?"

"You told me five times you were going to go do laundry, and then never took any clothes."

"Oh…" Meredith cringed, looking back at the impassive safety of the water. "Sorry," she muttered.

"Mer," said Derek gently. "I wasn't mad."

"You weren't?"

He shook his head, turning to stare out at the water as well. "Figured you needed to hide."

"Right…" Her voice was shaky once again, and she shifted uncomfortably, the railing hard and unforgiving against her elbow. "Derek?"

"Meredith?"

"Why aren't you afraid?"

Derek sighed, raking a hand through his dark hair, the shade almost blending in with the sky. "I am," he admitted quietly. "Completely terrified. I have no idea how to raise a kid. But…" He shrugged, tilting his head to look at her. "We'll figure it out as we go, you know? That's half the fun." He grinned, hoping to get her to relax and believe him, but she just shook her head.

"Oh that's a great idea," she said dryly. "You'd never go to work, and cut someone's brain open with your total plan amounting to figuring it out as you went along!"

"Okay, so…this is a little messier," he allowed.

"Messier than surgery?"

"It's real life Mer," Derek said, his voice gentle. "I think everyone's flying blind the first time, and so…maybe we make a few mistakes." He leaned forward, putting his arm around Meredith's narrow frame once more, smoothing her windblown hair. "But, so long as we do our best, and we love her…she'll turn out okay."

"How can you be so sure?" asked Meredith quietly, her teeth back to worrying at her lip as she twisted around to meet his eyes.

Derek just grinned at her. "I'm blindly optimistic?" he tried, earning a matching grin from her.

"I'm serious Derek," she said, her quiet giggle fading away as she placed her hands flat against his chest. He nodded, letting his expression grow grave once more, waiting for her to continue. "It's just--" She hesitated, her voice wary, yet suddenly tumbling out in a rushed and breathless mess of words. "What if I don't love her enough? I mean, I didn't help decorate the nursery. I'm not excited about this stupid shower. I'm terrified of the thought of her being born." Meredith looked away from Derek, her lip close to bleeding from chewing on it so much. "What if…" she whispered, tears coming back to the corners of her eyes. "What if that means I don't love her? Not enough… Not like I should…" She trailed off, staring resolutely at the rough gray surface of the pavement.

"Hey," said Derek gently, his hand fitting beneath her chin, and turning her back to face him. Her eyes were brimming with tears, and as she met his gaze, they silently overflowed once more. "Listen," he urged as she started to turn away again. "You haven't done a single thing to make me think you don't love our daughter."

"But, the shower…and the nursery…"

Derek shook his head. "Just because you aren't excited about that stuff doesn't mean you don't love her," he continued, suddenly smiling at her. "It just means you aren't Izzie."

"Yeah?" asked Meredith, her voice gaining the slightest touch of hope.

"Yeah," he echoed. "Meredith…you kept our baby when you thought you'd have to raise her alone." She nodded weakly, smiling a little as he brushed away her tears again. "And remember what she looks like, when we saw the ultrasound? And how scared you were when you were at the hospital?" he asked gently, alluding to the time she'd nearly lost the baby. Meredith nodded again, tracing her tongue slowly over the painful tear her teeth had created in her lower lip, the taste of blood stinging the tip of her tongue. "You love her more than enough Mer."

"You're really sure?" she asked, feeling far less lost than she had in months, yet craving his reassurance once more.

"I'm really sure," he agreed, bending down and capturing her lips softly with his. "And you know I'm right," he added quietly as he pulled away, his heart lightening as Meredith finally smiled back, and nodded her head.

"I know you're right," she agreed. And Derek kissed her again, savoring the feel of her smiling against his mouth.

"Besides," he added, straightening up once more. "You fell for me, didn't you?"

Meredith turned to frown at him, her expression dubious. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, she'll have my DNA," he said smugly, raising his eyebrows as a smirk crossed his face. "She'll be just as charming. You'll be like putty in her hands."

"Derek Shepherd!" said Meredith, suddenly laughing aloud as she reached out and smacked him. He just raised his eyebrows again, a quick teasing grin flashing across his face. "I am not putty in your hands, and you are not that charming!"

"Hmmm…" He frowned, his expression a mocking imitation of thoughtful as he looped an arm around her, steering her back towards their car. "Does that mean you need to hear about past examples, or should I just prove it again?" His voice was low in her ear, his lips brushing against her throat as he spoke, sending a shiver down the length of her spine.

"Um," she managed, gasping slightly as she suddenly found herself pressed up against the back of the car. "Your charm?" she asked faintly as his hands disappeared beneath the loose expanse of her shirt.

"No," he murmured as she tilted her neck to the side, her fingers curling tightly in his hair as his mouth found the hollow in her throat, tracing it with his tongue and making her sigh shakily. "The other one," he added at last, working his way back up to her lips.

Meredith cast a quick glance around the dark and empty dock before smirking at him, her eyes heavy lidded. Her voice grew husky as she tugged him back down to her. "Prove it again."

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So yeah…a long chapter. I had a lot of thoughts on the chapter, but I'll see if I can do them more succinctly than the actual story portion. Anyway, first of all, Derek's family. Particularly his mother. Now yes, I know most people hated Jacqueline, and found her to be ten kinds of evil. And, while she is very opinionated, and saying a lot of hateful things, it's simply very misguided. She genuinely finds marriage to be a very important thing, and she views Meredith as someone who got her son to forsake everything she tried to instill in Derek while raising him. And, she's known Addison for years. The woman was very much a fifth daughter to her. Now, she finds that that has all been uprooted, and she's placing a lot of her frustration and pain on Meredith because it's easiest to react that way instead of facing the fact that Derek's actually this very different person who maybe doesn't fit into her picture perfect NY lifestyle. So yes, there was some family drama, which is not completely solved yet.

And then, there was Addison. She's come a long way in the past few months, and is actually very much on Meredith's side, the complete opposite of Derek's family despite the fact that she lost the most as the result of Mer. And, she's in the position where Mer is once again distressed, and she's alone with her, taking care of her. Only, this time it's not because Meredith is having contractions. It's simply that she's crying and miserable, and generally freaking herself out over the things that were said to her. And, Addison is able to…I guess hopefully get some closure, seeing that she's able to help Meredith and explain things about Derek's family to her, and it doesn't hurt. At least, not as much as she thought it would.

And then, Mer/Der… Tralala. Well, they finally talked. A lot. This whole time, Derek has been a bit tentative, not wanting to push Meredith to talk if she seemed against the idea. However, the result was he got a bunch of empty reassurances of how fine she was, and then she disappears, to turn up crying hysterically at the hospital. And, while he's relieved that that's all that happens, he's afraid that something worse could happen if he just lets her keep doing this. So, he keeps insisting that she talks, pretty much giving her no other choice. And Mer gets mad at first, but eventually…she does talk to him. About his family, and about everything that had been going wrong before they showed up. Mer doesn't really understand why she's upset, it's as confusing to her as it is to him, but…she has lots of mommy issues, thanks to her own mother, and the fact that she's behind at her job. And well, they talk. You've hopefully already read that. And, they do get to a better place. Together. Because Derek can understand her very well when she doesn't turn into herself and shut him out completely. And then, you know…they head off to have lots of sex. Because it's very much what Mer needs after the day she went through. To just…be with Derek.

And, that's my very long rambling!! Sorry for the excessiveness. And thank you so much for reading. Hopefully, the length wasn't too, too bad. I'll try to get another update up as soon as possible, obviously, but I am facing a formidable mountain of essays that need to be written. So it may be a few days. And by few, I probably mean six or sevenish. Once more, thanks so much for reading!