Chapter 16

Bobby slept fitfully for a short time. Alex checked on him occasionally; his restlessness suggested his sleep was not a comfortable one. He eventually woke with a start, his eyes wide and confused.

"It's ok," Alex said softly. "You're at my house…in the guest room."

"Yea…yea…" Bobby mumbled. He sat up slowly and rubbed his red, swollen eyes. "I…I'm sorry…" he whispered. "My…my Mom…" He stared down at the bed.

Alex watched as Bobby blocked the way to the corners of his mind. "Not a problem," she said as she decided not to press against those blocks. "But it's time for you to take some of your meds…and you can't do it on an empty stomach…"

Bobby followed her unsteadily to the kitchen. He was quiet throughout the supper he tried to eat. He spent much of the meal turning his spoon in the soup.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I'm not very hungry…"

Alex picked up the dishes. "It's ok, Bobby…You've had a long day…"

"I'll help with the dishes…" He started to rise, but winced.

"No, you won't," Alex said firmly. "Besides, I'm just going to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. You go sit down, and I'll bring you some hot chocolate…"

He shuffled to the living room. He avoided the couch, afraid that if he sat there he'd be asleep in minutes. He chose the least comfortable of the chairs and sat heavily in it.

"I won't," he thought. "I can't let her know…how bad my Mom is…How much it hurts…How afraid I am…That I could have been just like Claret…That he terrifies me…" He leaned back in the chair and laid his arm across his eyes. He shivered.

Alex entered the room just in time to catch Bobby's shiver. "Hey," she said gently. "Maybe this will warm you up…" She handed him a mug and settled on the couch.

"He's hiding," she thought. "He doesn't want me to know what happened to his Mom…How much pain he's in…And he's thinking about Claret…"

They sat for several minutes in an uneasy silence, both pretending to concentrate on their chocolate. Bobby ran his thumb over the edge of his mug; Alex thought she could hear his racing thoughts.

"Alex," he finally said. "They want me to interview Claret, don't they?"

The bluntness of the question stunned Alex; for a moment she couldn't speak.

"And," Bobby continued. "You don't think I should…or could…" His eyes burned.

She recovered slightly. "Bobby…you can hardly walk…"

"They don't want me to do it right away," he said.

Alex sat up. "Bobby," she said, finding it increasingly difficult to control her anger and frustration. "Even if you were physically up to it…This case…It's hit you hard…"

He stood up quickly and jerked in pain. Alex started to get to her feet, but the look in Bobby's eyes stopped her.

"Don't," he said, his voice all the more heartbreaking for its low, flat tone. "Don't…Not now…" He wavered on his feet; Alex couldn't tell if pain or anger threw him off balance. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I…I don't mean to hurt you…I…" He stared at the floor. "I just need a little time…" He glanced up at her. "Could I…I take a shower?"

Alex stared at him. "Uh…sure…"

He turned and started to walk out of the room. "Alex," he said as he reached the door. "I…I don't mean to shut you out…I just need a…a little time alone…" He smiled weakly. "And I've been looking forward to a shower since they told me I could leave the hospital."

Alex's confusion eased in the face of his growing calm. "Ok…After you're done I'll help get your bandages on…and you can take your meds…"

He nodded.

Bobby stood in the shower for a long time, trying to let the hot water slough away his pain and fears. He titled his head back; the hot water sent tiny, wonderful, sharp needles over his scalp and face. He turned and winced as the water hit the cuts and bruises on his body.

"I was lucky," he thought. "So lucky…I could have never seen her again…All of these things that have happened…We could have never seen each other again…" He rested his head against the tiles. "I'm not sure I can live without Alex…I know I don't want to…Everything is better with her…Everything…Oh, God…Forgive me…I love her…Alex…Alex…She's all…Alex and work…It's all I have…But she doesn't want me to do the job…Is it because she doesn't trust me? Or is she trying to protect me?" He shook his head. "No…she couldn't…couldn't love me…Especially now…After everything…And this case…I have to have her support…but…but…If I have to choose between her and the job…"

The water became cooler; Bobby shut it off and stepped cautiously out of the shower. He dried off, carefully guiding the towel over the cuts and bruises. He slipped on his boxers, wiped the steam from the mirror, and examined himself. His skin was an unhappy rainbow of grey and purple and green and red.

"Hey," Alex called through the door. "You ok in there?"

"Yea," Bobby replied.

"I'm ready to perform my nursing duties," she answered in what she hoped was a light and confident voice. "Just come out when you're ready."

Bobby hesitated at the bathroom door; embarrassment flooded over him. In the past few months he and Alex had hugged each other, held each other, slept in the same bed. But every time Bobby wore at least a T-shirt and boxers, Alex a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. One item of clothing shouldn't have been such a large factor, but Bobby felt strangely exposed and vulnerable.

Alex, equally surprised by her uneasiness, waited for Bobby in the guest room. Her supplies—bandages, ointment, scissors, tape—rested on a table near the bed. "I hope," she thought as she surveyed the materials. "I remember everything they told me." She glanced for the one hundredth time at the instructions on how to treat Bobby's injuries. Alex realized with a shock that in the six years that she'd known Bobby, she'd never seen him without a shirt, even during their close contact of recent months. Even when they held and comforted each other in the same bed, there were lines they wouldn't or couldn't cross. He occasionally brushed his lips across her hair; she occasionally brushed hers against his forehead. But they had never really kissed, never allowed their touches and hugs to go beyond comfort and consolation.

Alex glanced at the bathroom door. "He's taking a long time," she thought. "I wonder if he feels as awkward as I do."

He emerged shyly from the bathroom, clutching his T-shirt in front of him like a shield. His eyes looked everywhere but at Alex.

"Well," she thought. "That answers that question…He's as embarrassed as I am…Maybe more…"

"Here," she said. "Just sit on the bed, and I'll fix you up."

He sat carefully. "Ok," he thought. "Just treat this as an everyday thing…She's just patching me up…Putting on some bandages…This is not a big deal…"

"Bobby…Bobby…you ok?" Alex's voice broke in on his thoughts.

"Uh…sorry…what?" Bobby blinked. "So much for no big deal," he thought.

"The shower help?" Alex asked as she squeezed ointment from the tube.

"Yea…a lot…But I'm afraid I used all of your hot water." He breathed easier. "Ok," he thought. "I can do this…It's not so bad…"

And then she touched him. Bobby struggled not to cry out as her fingers sent wonderful, agonizing flashes of pleasure and pain through his body.

"Bobby? Am I hurting you?"

"It's ok." He collected his thoughts. "Just…It's just a little tender…"

The next minutes gave Bobby great pleasure and pain, and only some of the pain came from his injuries. He was almost grateful for his body's cuts and bruises; they at least provided excuses for his responses to Alex's touch.

Alex felt Bobby stiffen when she touched him and heard his occasional gasps. She gently treated and bandaged his wounds and was glad to see he was healing. The cuts showed no signs of infection, and some of the bruises were fading. She struggled to ignore the fine, soft hair on his chest, his strong, broad shoulders. Bobby certainly didn't possess a perfect body, but even its imperfections entranced her. She cautiously taped his ribs.

"There," Alex said as she tried to keep her voice calm. "Finished…"

Bobby hurriedly pulled his T-shirt over his head. His sore muscles protested the speed of the move.

"Here," Alex said and helped him ease the shirt over his body. "I'm sorry if I hurt you…I'm afraid I'm an amateur at this…"

Bobby eased his legs beneath the covers. "I'd never guessed…You did a great job…"

She smiled at him, and his heart staggered. Both the meds and exhaustion fogged the edges of his mind. He fought against them. "I have to talk to her," he thought.

"Alex," he said as she pulled the blankets over him.

"Yea…"

"I can't tell you how grateful I am…How much you've done for me…What you're doing for me…What it means to me…" He desperately wished that she wasn't so kind, so beautiful.

"I've told you." She placed another pillow under his head. "It's all right…I'm glad to do it."

"And the way you've backed me up…protected me…during this case…"

The flannel sheets were warm and smelled of Alex's detergent; Bobby struggled to keep his concentration. Alex tenderly touched his shoulder; Bobby pulled away and turned on his side. Alex, stunned and hurt, stared at him.

"Please, Alex…" The pillows and blankets muffled his voice. "I have to say this…And I can't look at you while I say it…But…But…" He swallowed. "You love the job, right?"

Alex sat on the edge of the bed. "Yea," she said tentatively.

"I do too…It's…For better or worse…It's what I am…It's my life…I know that…I'm not sure if I decided that or if it was decided for me…" Bobby struggled against the exhaustion that threatened to take him. "Alex…I know the job means a lot to you…but I know it frustrates you…And I know you have a life…"

"It's a lot like you," Alex said. "I'm not sure if I made the decision…but…It's most of my life." Alex stared through the door Bobby had flung open; she realized she was afraid of walking through it.

Bobby turned on his back, his arm covered his eyes. "Alex…I…I care about you…You're my partner…my best friend…but…but…I can't keep from doing my job…any more than I can keep you from doing your job…any more than you can keep me from doing my job…"

His words hung in the air. Alex sat, her hands lying useless in her lap.

"I…didn't mean…I never meant to keep you from doing the job." She stared at her hands. "And I never meant to suggest you couldn't or can't do the job…It's just…you've been through so much…You're going through so much…But I've never doubted your abilities…I've never doubted you…"

Bobby trembled. "I…I've never doubted you…Ever…You're the strong one…the tough one…I…I was afraid…I'm not always crazy about you feeling you have to protect me…But I'm always grateful for it…But I…This case…ever since Jo…" He choked, and Alex gently touched his head. "I've been so scared," Bobby said. "So scared that you didn't trust me…"

Alex pulled back the covers and slid next to him. She followed Bobby down the path he had started on. "Some times…when you told me to back off…but even then…I trusted you to do the job…to take care of me…But…but…I'm never sure if you're taking care of yourself." She pulled the covers over them. She lay on her side and faced him.

His left hand found her cheek. "Ok," he said with a deep breath. "Here's the deal…We take care of each other…We let each other do the job…No matter how hard it is…Ok?"

Her hand found his. "Ok," she said.

End Chapter 16