"I can't believe he still isn't here yet," Tifa muttered through gritted teeth as she cleaned out wineglasses with a vehemence that suited a far more vigorous task. "He said seven," she hissed to herself as she sneaked a furtive glance at the clock, "he's forty minutes late, I might as well wait here all night."
"Is everything all right?" Cloud overhead Tifa's angry words and looked over at her in concern. Tifa fought back an urge to say, Yes, of course it's all right, you dense, blind, insensitive blonde – but years of dealing with unruly patrons had honed her patience. She was about to reply when a truly terrible sound that resembled a cross between the death cries of a yowling cat and a maniac wielding a chainsaw split the air.
"What in the world –" Tifa cried, but was interrupted by what sounded like an army of offended geese, all honking at the same time.
"Er – I believe it's Reno," said Cloud, glanced through the window. "Yup – he's honking his horn, all right. You better hurry; the guy doesn't look too patient. Nice bike," he added under his breath.
Tifa stalked over to the door and yanked it open, ignoring the murmurs and guffaws of her patrons. She clambered down the stairs, and was about to start telling Reno off when he took a whiff of his cigarette and exhaled the smoke in her face.
"Reno –" Tifa choked, "I don't – like it – when people smoke!"
"Well, you ought to, since you run a bar," was the nonchalant reply.
"Take a look at yourself," Tifa said, all of Yuffie's carefully taught speeches that were aimed to disgust flown clear out of her mind. "You – you look like you haven't slept in days, your hair's all grimy and you smell like a drunk and whatever are you wearing under that ratty trench coat?"
"That, my dear," Reno replied, "is commonly known as a wife beater." And without further ado he launched the motorcycle away from the pavement.
"Wait – Reno, I haven't got on yet!" cried Tifa as he pulled away.
"Well, you better get on! We're almost late!" came the infuriating reply.
"I wonder whose fault is that," Tifa muttered as she finally caught up with Reno at the next intersection.
"You run like an old woman," was the rude reply.
"Well, you smell like an old man," snapped Tifa in disgust. "How many days since you showered?"
"No more than six," Reno supplied.
"How dirty is that!" gasped Tifa, regretting that her arms were wrapped around Reno, who was speeding down the street, his motorbike emitting the chainsaw-and-cat sound that she had heard earlier. "Is your shower broken?"
"It's very fine, thank you," said Reno. "But no, I have a special reason for not showering. It is you."
"What on earth are you talking about?" cried Tifa.
"Have you studied Life Science before, my beauty?" Reno continued. "Pheromones are secreted within sweat. Pheromones cause a distinctly manly, or feminine odor that proves irresistible to the opposite sex. Therefore, by not showering I am increasing your chances of becoming smitten with me. I have no clue why you're not swooning by now," he added, "this usually works."
Tifa affected a wounded silence behind Reno. This continued for several blocks, before suddenly –
"TIFA!" he yelled, snapping his head around, an expression of abject horror on his face. "DID I LOSE YOU – ah, no, you're still behind me. Good. You should talk more; I thought you fell off." He resumed speeding down the street. Tifa felt distinctly nauseous.
"Why is it that you don't get speeding tickets?" she groaned.
"Bribery!" was the immediate response.
It was exactly eight o' clock when Reno slammed on the brakes in front of a restaurant that appeared impeccably elegant and refined. "Is this it?" Tifa murmured, stumbling off the motorbike, which Reno had flung aside.
"My reservation was at seven-thirty. The darkest table," he informed an usher pompously.
"Sir, I'm afraid we're out of seating. It is half an hour after your reservation; I'm afraid we cannot accommodate you," she said, eyeing his tattered trench coat and many chains.
Reno took a menacing step forward. "You'd better, or I'll –" he started, raising a fist. Tifa grabbed at his arm uselessly.
"Sir, I'm calling the manager if you don't calm down," the usher threatened.
"No need, no need, Cheryl!" A whirl of black and white came racing through the door. "We've got the perfect table for the pair of you – it's very, very private," the waitress beamed. "Sorry for the delay."
"Finally!" Reno snorted ungratefully, ignoring Tifa's icy glare.
The table was indeed exceedingly dark and private, due to the fact that it seemed to have been set up rather hastily under the shade of a huge ornamental bush.
"Just recently imported from Wutai," the vaguely familiar-looking waitress chirped happily. "Aren't you lucky tonight? Now, can I start you off with some drinks?"
"I'll have tequila and gin," Reno said confidently, "and a sparkling water, I think, for the little lady." He leered at Tifa across the table.
"Very good!" the dark haired waitress pronounced, and raced away.
"Did you even ask me what I wanted first?" snapped Tifa. "Sparkling water is for wimps. I'm a bartender, I can hold my liquor."
"You look more like an old granny tonight," Reno observed. "I didn't want to give you a heart attack."
"I look like a what?!"
"An old granny," Reno repeated. "What's with the dress? It's so old it looks like it's got moths in it. Or is that food stains?" He leaned across the table, eyes fixated on her chest. "Yup – definitely looks like tomato to me," he verified. "Although the color of the dress reminds me of eggplant."
Tifa was so offended, she was nearly apoplectic. "You – you insufferable beast –" she managed, hunting through her memory for the many insults Yuffie had taught her.
"Now, if looking ancient doesn't sit well with you, you could always hike up your skirt," Reno continued. "I'd say two feet. Maybe three," he said, ducking his head under the tablecloth to observe her hemline. "Three and a half will do as well," he finished.
"Here are your drinks!" the petite waitress was back, beaming happily.
"Thank you," Reno smiled at her. "Yuppie, is it?" he said, reading her name tag.
"Ooh, you can read," she said, beaming down at him. "I love it when they're literate!" she crooned at Tifa.
"Just barely," Reno muttered under his breath.
"Now, can I get you some appetizers? The stuffed garlic mushrooms are particularly fragrant today," Yuppie offered.
"Yes, definitely. I think that's all, for now," Reno affirmed, ignoring Tifa's scandalized expression.
"All right! I'll leave you two alone," Yuppie said, tipping a huge wink at Tifa, who merely made a face at her.
"Ah, Tifa, don't look so pissed off. My mother always taught me to be the gentleman and order for the lady on a first date, since she is too ecstatic to think properly."
"I think you're the one who took leave of your senses," Tifa snapped. "Care to explain why you showed up at my place three quarters of an hour late?"
"Pleasant diversions," Reno sighed. "Women and wine; they will be the death of me yet."
"Do you mean to say that you were philandering with other women while I was cleaning glasses?" Tifa shrieked. Other tables were turning around to stare.
"I mean what I say and I say what I mean," Reno replied enigmatically. "You can turn around now, or I'll make you," he said, shaking a fist at the neighboring patrons.
Tifa groaned her loudest yet, and didn't raise her head from the table until an alarmingly intense odor of garlic hit her nostrils.
"Your mushrooms are here!" Yuppie proclaimed merrily. "Are you all right, honey?" she said, bending over Tifa's head in concern. "Do you need to take a quick break? The lady's room is right over that way," she said.
"Thanks," Tifa said wearily, and got up from the table. Behind her she could hear Reno placing an order for snails drenched in butter, with an extra dollop of garlic.
The restroom was thankfully empty. Tifa stumbled over to the sink and observed her reflection. Her long hair was bound into a severe bun at the back of her head, and her dress (which, incidentally, came from her grandmother's moth-eaten closet) hid every inch of skin from her neck to her wrists and ankles in a garish purple, with a ridiculous froth of lace at her throat.
"Good grief," Tifa murmured. "If this doesn't drive him away, I don't know what will."
She reached inside her pocket and came up with a scrap of paper covered in Yuffie's untidy handwriting. It read:
Rules of the Game:
1. Make sure all you talk about is Cloud, Cloud, Cloud (shouldn't be too hard, eh?) Reno hates him and Fenrir too. Make sure you mention that you think Cloud is a billion times hawter than Reno, although it isn't true.
2. Insult him every chance you got. I made a list of all the names you called him yesterday (titian monster, egocentric moron, self-satisfied slacker) but I don't think his vocabulary is high enough to understand them. I know I don't. So I made you another list, but I think you'll die before you say them. I looked up a sort of bony fish for you instead – aren't I nice? – and its name is the Jackass Morwong. How cool do you get? JACKASS MORWONG ROCKS! GO TIFA! GET'IM, GIRL!
3. Belch in his face whenever you can. Pick at your nose, your ears, your bra, whatever (don't let him see what's in it though). Eat a lot of garlic, it's good for –
"Tifa, are you all right in there?" Reno poked his red head in through the lady's room. "You've been in here for ages! Hurry up, the snails are here!"
"Reno!" screamed Tifa in alarm, "it's the girl's room! How dare you!"
"I've been in worse places," retorted Reno. "Such as the guy's room."
Tifa hurried out through the bathroom door after Reno left. "Beast, moron, idiot – what was that word? – jackass moron? Morwong? The first half's enough," she muttered to herself.
She found Reno rapidly demolishing all the food on the table when she arrived.
"Ah, the mushrooms are excellent," he said around a full mouth. "Too bad you got here late."
"Never mind," said Tifa in relief, "I never much liked garlic."
"Really? Sorry to hear that; I got you Pasta Garlica."
"I suppose the soup is garlic too," Tifa said sarcastically. "As well as dessert."
"I tried," Reno said mournfully. "But they were out." Waves of garlic breath wafted over the table at her. His mouth bulging, Reno advised, "You should eat more garlic – very good for your immune system."
"I suppose refusing to wash is good for your immune system as well – ahh! What was that?" Tifa squealed, as a brown lump the length of an egg scuttled across the tablecloth.
"Cockroach!" pronounced Reno, seizing upon it. "Since it's so dirty, I suppose it boosts your immune system indefinitely." With that, he dropped it into his gin-and-tequila, where it waved its many appendages frantically.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tifa whispered. She didn't raise her head from the table for a long period of time, not even when Reno plunked his booted feet on the table and whistled Top 40 tunes.
"Lady and gentleman, your desserts are here!" Yuppie announced. She placed two platters of tiramisu before them, and left.
By this time, Reno was snoring rather loudly, perhaps due to the inordinate amount of strong liquor he had consumed. Tifa glared at him venomously, but it was wasted on the dozing redhead. Vehemently she reached across the table and grasped Reno's bangs firmly, raising it, then scooted the tiramisu under his face so that the chocolate smeared all over his features when she let go of her hold. Remarkably enough, it did nothing to quiet his snoring. In a huff Tifa finished the rest of the non-garlic dishes. She was contemplating all the nasty things she could inflict upon his insufferable personage (such as dangling him by his big toes from the top of Da Chao, dropping spiders into his mouth while he snored, smearing his wineglasses with cockroach juice and rat feces and toilet contents) when Reno suddenly awoke with a start, his face drenched in tiramisu.
"Eh? What happened here?" he said, bewildered.
"Compliments of the chef," Tifa snarled.
"This stuff's pretty good," he commented, scraping a finger over his face and sticking it in his mouth. "Wanna try?"
Reno reached over the table and attempted to force feed Tifa. In doing so, he knocked over his tequila-and-gin. The cockroach that had been imprisoned there escaped in a torrent of alcohol, some of which splashed onto Tifa's dress.
"Ew! Sick!" she cried in horror. "The thing isn't drowned yet?"
"Cockroaches can survive a day in water without drowning," Reno explained. "Maybe that's why I like them so much."
"Your check!" Yuppie chirped as she sailed over. "I hope you had a lovely time tonight; you're such a cute couple! Look at you! Feeding each other dessert, are you?" She smiled fondly at them.
"Tifa, you remembered to bring your wallet, didn't you?" Reno asked.
"What?! No! It's always the guy that pays!"
"Times have changed, darling. Women are liberated now! Free to pay for their male counterparts!" Reno insisted.
"I'm awfully sorry," Tifa stammered to Yuppie, "but I'm afraid neither of us brought money. If you let me leave him here I could run back home to get some –"
"What's this?" a male voice boomed. With a sinking heart Tifa looked up into the face of the restaurant manager, his face a very unpleasant shade of puce. She could imagine what they looked like: Tifa, with her dress drenched in tequila-and-gin-and-cockroach, Reno with his face entirely smothered in tiramisu. In desperation she pulled her last card.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but I used to be a member of AVALANCHE, and we once saved –"
"What's that?" the manager boomed.
"Um, a terrorist organization," Yuppie translated.
"Outrageous!" the manager declared. "It's dishes for the pair of you! And I'm sending the bill to both your addresses!"
"This is all your fault," Tifa hissed at Reno, an hour later while they were up to their arms in soap and dishes. "I'm never going to live this down."
"Tough," said Reno. Without preamble he suddenly tossed a fork, followed by a spoon and a knife into the air. "Look – I can juggle!"
"Stop it!" Tifa yelled, and she brought a soapy dish down on Reno's head and cracked it (the dish, not the head). "You jackass morwong!"
"What did you call me?" Reno asked furiously. Unceremoniously he dumped all of the dishwater down her neck.
"I – called – you – a – jackass – morwong," Tifa said through gritted teeth, flinging a spoon at his head.
"A what?!" Reno began to laugh, horribly and uproariously. "You're . . . you're . . . ridiculous," he finally choked out.
The upshot of it all was that the manager burst in through the kitchen door while Tifa was throwing everything she could get her hands on at Reno, who had collapsed in the corner, howling with laughter and pain whenever Tifa's missiles found their mark. In a towering rage the manager threw them both out the back door. Too mad to think, Tifa stole Reno's motorbike and roared off into the night. She was only a few blocks from home when a panting figure, sweating and reeking of garlic, threw himself on the seat behind her.
"Reno!" she cried out in dismay.
"Thief!" he retorted. "You're lucky the police didn't believe me when I said you stole my bike!"
"You deserve it!" Tifa said angrily. "That was the most disgusting date I ever went on!"
"Same here, actually," Reno replied.
"You – you –" Tifa was so angry that the insults wouldn't come.
"Jackass morwong?" Reno supplied, his mouth twitching.
"Exactly," Tifa snapped, and she screeched to a halt in front of Seventh Heaven. "Good night," she said, stalking up the pavement.
"What? Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?" Reno asked, hurrying behind her.
Tifa wheeled around and slapped him hard, once on each cheek.
"There's your thanks," she spat at him, "I never want to see you again." With that, she slammed the door in his stunned face.
Reno winced slightly as he touched his fingers to his abused features. When he pulled them away, he saw that they were covered in chocolate. He shrugged, inserting them into his mouth.
"Very good tiramisu," he acknowledged, and headed on home.
A/N: Hope you had as much fun reading that as I did writing it. By the way, the jackass morwong really is a fish - a type of commercially important sea bream. I applaud whoever named it - best bit of info from Bio class all year, courtesy of an annoying-git-and-fellow-classmate who insisted I site him. Well, I'm glad I managed to stay awake during his presentation.
Tell me if you actually laughed out loud, smirked, twitched your mouth, smiled, or cackled insanely inside whilst reading this chapter. I know I did, and I hope I'm not alone. Your reviews all make me ridiculously happy. :p
Next up: In which explanations insure and Cloud intervenes (finally!)