Cloud looked up abruptly from the stack of dishes he was washing when Tifa burst into the bar. The door banged against the wall when she flung it open.
"Tifa, are you all right?" he began, but Tifa, looking very much the worse for wear with her hair streaming down from a thick bun, her decidedly ugly purple dress stained and wet, her eyes narrowed and aflame, merely stomped upstairs, muttering epithets as she went. It was two hours later that Cloud finally summoned up the courage to knock on her bedroom door, carrying a mug of hot chocolate.
"Tifa?" he called. "Are you in there?"
The door flew open with a force that nearly knocked him backwards. "The idiot!" Tifa screeched. "I can't believe he actually did this to me!"
Evidently the passage of time had done little to subdue Tifa's rage. Ranting, she paced through the room, whipping around her mane of dark hair and spitting out her story in between gulps of hot chocolate. Cloud leaned warily against the wall, watching as she vilified Reno's actions to a point that was almost comic. It was when Tifa decided to imitate Reno's snoring with her feet propped on her night table, her head tilted back and her mouth agape in a huge yawn, that Cloud turned his face to the wall and very silently shook with laughter.
"And then, the retarded animal had the cheek to ask me to kiss him!" she exclaimed. "The stinking, foul, garlic beast!"
"You didn't, of course?" Cloud asked anxiously.
"I would die before his lips touched mine," declared Tifa, rather like a melodramatic actress in a bad soap opera. Cloud found this very amusing, and as a consequence had to turn to face the wall once more.
"The waitress was nice, though," Tifa admitted. "About the only sane person this evening. Not even you, Cloud, managed to – why, Cloud, why are you shaking?"
Up till that moment, Cloud had been consumed in a fit of silent laughter. Quickly, though, he composed himself and turned around.
"I've – er, I've been shaking with anger!" he declared. "Reno's behavior merits a great punishment," he proclaimed, in a gallant effort to win Tifa's heart.
"I'm so glad you agree," Tifa sighed. "I've a good mind to tell Yuffie off as well. First she made me agree to Reno, then she made me dress up in this horrible old dress and told me that the term 'jackass morwong' was a terrible insult –"
"What?" said Cloud, confused. "But that wasn't the terms. She wasn't supposed to – never mind," he said hastily when Tifa looked at him.
"Wasn't supposed to what?" Tifa asked.
"I said never mind," muttered Cloud. In a bid to look nonchalant, he stuck his hands in his pockets and started whistling.
"Cloud!" In one movement, Tifa leapt across the room and seized him hard against the wall. "You're a terrible liar," she told him. "What aren't you telling me?"
"Everything!" said Cloud. Then he realized what he had said and hastily backtracked. "I – I meant nothing!"
"Cloud," said Tifa very quietly. "I don't wish to hurt you, but Reno's disgusting behavior has pushed my temper to the limit today. Now, I'd love chat nicely with you, but I'm afraid it's not possible. In other words," Tifa drew a deep breath.
"You'll let me go?" said Cloud hopefully.
"TALK!" she shrieked.
"Oh alright," he muttered nervously. "You see, I wanted to go out with you a long time ago but Reno started hanging around here flirting with you and I really didn't like it so I reminded him that he owed me a favor since I delivered free of charge for him once -"
"Wait, slow down," said Tifa. "Rewind. Did you just say you wanted to go out with me?"
Cloud hung his head in shame. "Yes," he whispered. He closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable double-slap. He winced when Tifa threw herself on him, bracing himself for pain.
"CLOUD! I don't believe it!" she said. Cloud slowly unscrewed his eyes. Wait, did she actually look happy? Her eyes were sparkling so that they resembled diamonds washed in rose and wine – "If only you asked me! Why didn't you?"
"I . . . I wasn't sure if you would actually agree," he confessed.
"Oh Cloud," she mumbled into his shoulder. "You complete, utterly, terrifically insane doofus. Of course I'd have agreed. But what does this have to do with Reno?"
Cloud sighed. It was very nice to have Tifa's head, albeit drenched in something that smelled like detergent, on his shoulder. He held her carefully, savoring the moment. When he began his voice was soft and low, caressing her ear with its warmth.
"You see, a few weeks back Reno started hanging out at the bar. He immediately started flirting with you, and since you're always so nice to your customers I couldn't tell whether or not you wanted him there. I was afraid to ask; afraid what answer I'd get. So I asked Reno myself if he had any interest in you, and to my relief he laughed and said he'd back off if I wanted to chase you. I enlisted his help in trying to win you over since he owed me a favor, anyways. Reno suggested that he make himself as disgusting as possible so that you'd give up all hope on him and go out with me, when I asked you to. Yuffie stepped in and offered to talk you into going with Reno. I'm sorry for the dress, though, and the business with the restaurant manager. I had no clue it would end up so rough on you."
"It doesn't matter now," Tifa murmured. "I'm glad it turned out this way."
"Me too," he said softly into her hair.
"Well, I guess I should be thanking Reno," Tifa laughed. "Funny how everything makes sense now. I thought it was wierd how badly he treated me. And Yuffie – well, I suppose she got a kick out of seeing me dressed like a grandma –" her eyes suddenly snapped wide. "Yuffie – oh my gosh – I get it now." She pushed herself away from Cloud. "The waitress," she whispered, "at our table. She said her name was Yuppie – I thought she looked familiar. And Yuffie – she just got a new video camera –"
"So you're saying –" Cloud began, but Tifa was already halfway out the door.
"See you Cloud!" she called from the bottom of the stairs. Bemused, he stuck his head out the door, only to see Tifa racing up the stairs again. "Did you forget something?" he asked, only to have Tifa's lips brush his cheek.
"Good night, Cloud," she said softly when she pulled away. He could tell that she was blushing even in the dark. And then she was off, sprinting away into the night. Long after she was gone Cloud touched his fingers to the place she'd kissed him, and pressed them to his lips.
"Good night . . . and good luck," he whispered.
The sound of cackling, entwined with the mechanical sound of a poor quality television set floated through the thin walls when Tifa Lockhart arrived, breathless and fuming, on Yuffie's doorstep. Tifa pressed her ear against the oaken door and heard her worst fears confirmed through the recorded rumbles of a loud snorer, coupled with the little ninja's hysterical laughter.
"Yuffie – open up right now," she commanded.
The volume of the snores merely increased. "Took you long enough to catch on," Yuffie's giggle cut through the air. "You should take a look at yourself on the screen – you look like an old grandma, blacked out on the table or something. Eggplant was right."
"Yuffie, if you don't open up I swear I'll break down your door!"
"Too late," Yuffie giggled. "I made copies."
"You made what?"
"Copies, darlin'. Vinnie's got one, so does Cait Sith, Barret, Nanaki, Cid, Shera, Reno . . . anyone else I forgot? Right, Cloud's got one too. I thought he had a right to know beforehand what you'd look like when you're eighty."
The recorded sound of a crash, a wineglass breaking, and a high pitched wail pierced through the midnight air.
"And, of course, how scared you are of cockroaches," Yuffie finished smugly. "You'll never sleep easy again, Tifa, not if the Great Ninja Yuffie's around."
The rest of the night was drowned in the crash of a heavy oaken door, a terrified squeak, and a murderous chase that lasted til dawn.
A/N: Whew. . . cheers to all who made it to the end without falling asleep or turning aside in disgust! Direct your loving, hateful, or apathetic remarks to the little blue box on the left side of the screen.
1 point to all those who caught the reference to Caesar. (part1)
10 points to all those who found the reference to Shakespeare's Sonnet 2. (part 1)
50 points to all who recognized the phrase pointing to Anne of Green Gables. (part 2)
100 points to all who made the connection to "Pirates of the Carribbean: The Black Pearl" during Reno's proposal. Or was it "Dead Man's Chest"? (part 1)
500 points to all who found the Incredibly Weird two-word phrase stolen from pg. 704 of The Order of the Phoenix, American verison. (part 1)
1000 points to all who caught Cloud's insanely obscure reference to McCarthyism. Of course, if you're a fan of all things George Clooney, it shouldn't be too hard. . . (part 3)
What an awful thief I am. Ah, boredom drives you to dire straits.
Tot up your points if you have nothing else to do.