Chapter 23

He heard voices, but had no way of knowing if they were real or echoes in his mind. He vaguely wondered if it had finally happened, if his fragile grip on reality had snapped, and a small, exhausted bit of his mind almost hoped that it had. A haze of pain, exhaustion, and medication buried and blurred all of his thoughts. His chest burned with embers of pain, and as he drifted from unconsciousness to sleep to something near consciousness, he found he wished for the unfeeling, unknowing state. At least then he didn't have to deal with his mother, his failure, his feelings for Alex.

Through the haze he could, or at least thought he could, hear Alex. At one point he thought he heard her say the word "love", but even in his half-witted state, Bobby knew that word couldn't come from her in connection with him. It was Alex who brought him back from his semi-conscious state; her voice that called him back from the shadows. Every hour the darkness and haze eased; the sense of oblivion lessened; the call of Alex's voice strengthened. He finally became fully conscious. His chest and head hurt, and tubes seemed to be everywhere. He was exhausted, but he was awake.

He slowly, carefully turned his head towards a small window. He was briefly dizzy and sick. His vision cleared, and he saw darkness through the window. He wondered if it was night and where he was.

"Bobby." It was Alex's voice, low, gentle and concerned.

He turned his head cautiously and slowly towards it. Her face blurred in front of him, and Bobby couldn't tell if it was pain, drugs, or fear that dimmed his vision.

"Are you ok?" she asked. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

He blinked; he couldn't look at her. "I nearly got her killed," he thought.

"Here," she said and raised a cup of water to him. "Try to take a drink."

She bent the straw so he could sip the cold liquid. It soothed his terribly dry throat.

"Thank you," he croaked.

She tenderly brushed her hand over his curls. "How's the pain?" she asked again.

"Not…not too bad…" He tried to smile. "Claret wasn't nearly as bad as his bomb."

Alex blinked, and a wave of guilt flooded over Bobby. "She knows what Claret can do," he thought. "Because of you…"

"Bobby," Alex said firmly. "You did nothing wrong…You saved the taxpayers of New York a lot of money…" Bobby glanced up at her; she smiled. "You saved Angela Corelli from testifying…" She took a deep breath and held his left hand. "I still don't know how you did it…as badly hurt as you were…but you saved me…"

Bobby slowly shook his head. "Only…" She could barely hear his voice. "Only after nearly getting you killed…"

"Bobby…even you can't predict everything…You did everything you could." Alex tried to control her exasperation.

Bobby stared at the blanket. "I…I pushed him too hard…" He swallowed. "I…I…" Pain flared in his chest, and he nearly passed out. Alex's face blurred and faded in front of his eyes; it was replaced by the concerned visage of a nurse.

"Easy, Mr. Goren," she said gently. She adjusted one of his IVs. "Let's get some more pain medication in you…"

Before he could ask the nurse to call him Bobby and beg Alex for forgiveness, he drifted into a narcotic fueled sleep. Over the next few days Bobby drifted frequently in and out of that state. Alex remained stubbornly by his side except for the few moments when she could be persuaded to leave, or, more often, dragged away. There was always someone by his side. Alex wouldn't leave unless someone replaced her, and a long list of cops was more than willing to do that.

Elliot Stabler was an especially eager volunteer. "You know," Alex said to him as they passed in a hallway. "I think you may have almost finished with your penance."

Stabler gave her a grateful look. "Not yet…I owe Goren a lot."

"Well," Alex said genially. "I know he doesn't think that."

"And you?" Stabler asked cautiously.

Alex thought for a moment. "I'm not inclined to forget," she said. "But I'm willing to forgive."

"I can more than live with that," Stabler said in a relieved voice. "And I don't think I should forget what I did."

Alex yawned.

"Eames," Stabler said gently. "Go home…Get some sleep…I'll call you if he wakes up…If anything happens."

"Sleep," Alex said wearily. "That's a novel idea…Ok," she conceded. "But call my cell…I'm going to crash at Bobby's place…It's not too far from here."

Stabler nodded. "You two are lucky," he said wistfully.

"Lucky?" Alex struggled not to laugh. "Dear Lord, Stabler…Where have you been lately? Do you know what we've been going through?"

Stabler reddened. "Sorry…of course…I've heard a little." He stared at the floor. "It's just…You're lucky to have each other…That you're still connected…Especially after everything…" He looked up at Alex. "You and Goren have something special, Eames…Hold on to it."

"We…we keep trying," Alex stammered. Stabler's words and voice haunted her as she left the hospital.

"Damn," Stabler thought as he settled in the chair next to Bobby's bed. "When did I start giving advice on things I clearly know nothing about." He shook his head. "I'm in no position to give anyone any advice about any relationship."

Bobby stirred fitfully on the bed, and Stabler leaned forward. Every cop who'd spent a watch with Goren reported that nightmares attacked him. "Some perp try to blow me up and jump me in the interrogation room, I'd have bad dreams too," Finn commented at one point, but Stabler sensed that Goren was on intimate terms with a lot of nightmares long before he was a member of the NYPD.

Bobby twisted in the bed. Tubes no longer weaved over and around his body, but an IV still snaked into his right arm, and Stabler knew that parts of Bobby's body were stitched together.

"Goren," he said gently. "Don't fight…Take it easy."

Bobby thrashed and moaned, and a horrible vision of him lying restrained on the bed filled Stabler's mind. "No," he thought. "Not after everything Goren's been through." He carefully touched Bobby's left arm. "Goren…C'mon…take it easy."

Sweat broke out on Bobby's face, and he faintly whimpered. "No…Don't hurt her…Don't…She's just trying to help me…It's my fault…Don't." He jerked away from Stabler's touch.

"Goren…Please…It's a nightmare…A bad dream." Stabler reached for the call button; he didn't want to call for help, but he feared Bobby might rip out his IV or stitches. And Stabler confessed that he felt an intruder in Bobby's life. The big detective had saved Stabler's life, but that didn't give Stabler the right to invade Bobby's life. Considering what he did know about Bobby's life, Stabler was fairly certain there was much he didn't want to know.

Bobby's eyes shot open; he started to bolt up from the bed, but he winced in pain. He blinked, and Stabler saw a terrible fear in his eyes.

"Al…Eames"

"She just left to get some rest," Stabler said. "She's fine."

Bobby calmed slightly. "What…" He struggled against his mind's fog. "Where…"

"You're in the hospital," Stabler said as soothingly as he could.

"Hospital…" Bobby murmured. "Is…Is she all right?"

Stabler had the disconcerting sensation that Bobby wasn't still in the present. "Eames is fine." He placed his hand on Bobby's arm and pressed gently.

Bobby struggled to rise from the bed. "I…I gotta help her…I gotta…I can't."

Stabler reached again for the call button. "You have to take it easy, Goren…Let me get a nurse…"

"No…please." Bobby clutched at Stabler's arm. "You…you don't understand." He gripped Stabler's arm so tightly that the SVU detective winced. "I…I have to take care of her…There isn't anyone…I can't stay here."

Stabler pushed the call button; things were way out of his league.

"You…You don't understand," Bobby rasped. "It wasn't her…She didn't hurt me…" He coughed; tears formed in his eyes. "Everyone thinks…just because she's sick…that she hurts me."

"Oh, God," Stabler thought. "He's talking about his Mom." He looked frantically for the nurse.

"It wasn't her," Bobby continued. "He'll hurt her…I gotta protect her."

Stabler took a deep breath. "She's ok. I promise you that she's ok."

Bobby's grip eased slightly. "You…you're sure?"

Stabler nodded. "She's safe…I promise you."

Bobby fell back on the pillows. "Ok…ok…but don't let him near her…"

"We won't," Stabler said forcefully.

"He…he can be…very charming…very convincing." Bobby's voice grew weaker.

"We'll watch out for that." To his relief, Stabler saw the nurse approaching.

Reassured, Bobby closed his eyes. The nurse gently but firmly pushed Stabler out of the ICU. He was in the waiting room when Alex returned.

"Why aren't you in Bobby's room?" she asked in a mix of fear and anger.

"He…he sorta woke up." Stabler felt as if he was on the wrong side of an interrogation. "But…he didn't know where he was. The nurses forced me out."

Alex's anger eased, but her fear grew. "What happened?"

"He…I think he had a bad dream," Stabler answered. "When he woke up, he seemed to think he had to protect his Mom. He kept saying that she didn't hurt him…And that someone was trying to hurt her."

Alex blinked. "Oh, Lord," she sighed. "It's that one again."

Stabler chose to ignore asking why Alex was so familiar with Bobby's nightmares. "It seemed to be a pretty bad dream."

"Bobby doesn't have many good ones," Alex said softly. "What did you do?"

"I told him his Mom was ok…That we were protecting her…That we would keep her safe." Stabler shrugged. "It seemed to help."

"You did…said…the right things. Thank you," Alex said.

"We at a truce?" Stabler asked after a moment.

Alex gave him a quick smile. "We may even be allies."

"Good," Stabler said. "You are not one of the people I'd want as an enemy…and would definitely want as an ally."

"Damn straight," Alex said. She looked at the nurse's station. "I'm going to find out what's going on…"

Before she could take a step, a young doctor entered the waiting room. Both Alex and Stabler vaguely recognized her as part of the platoon caring for Bobby.

"Ms. Eames?"

A horribly familiar feeling in her stomach, Alex stepped forward. "How is he? What's wrong?"

"It's a combination of things," the doctor said calmly. "But he's going to be all right." She glanced at the chart in her hand. "Mr. Goren has a bit of a fever…So we've got him on some antibiotics that should take care of that…"

"But…his delirium…" Stabler said.

"That," the doctor said. "Was from the painkillers…and some of the other medications…We're going to try some other combinations…It should get better."

"I'm going to see him," Alex declared. Her tone indicated there would be no argument about her actions.

"Of course." The doctor made a quick strategic retreat.

Alex turned to Stabler. "Thank you," she said softly.

He felt horribly embarrassed. "You're welcome…Just let me know how he is."

She resumed her post by Bobby's bed. His slightly damp from sweat dark curls outlined his terribly pale face. She was enormously relieved that he breathed easily, but his closed eyes occasionally fluttered and his hands twitched. Alex thought that Gregory Claret continued to torture at least one of his victims.

"Oh, Bobby," Alex whispered. "Please…please don't blame yourself…Please…let us help you…"

End Chapter 23