Chapter 24

He coughed painfully and woke up.

"Hey," Alex's sweet, gentle voice broke through the haze around him. "You awake? You need some water?"

Bobby fought the tears forming in his eyes and nodded. She raised a cup with a straw to his lips, and he drank the blessedly cool water.

"It's good to see you awake," Alex said. "You've been in and out for a couple of days. We were getting worried."

He couldn't look her in the eyes; he stared at his hands.

"Bobby." Alex placed one of her hands over his. "It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. You saved me. You probably saved some other people."

He stared at their hands.

"Bobby…Please…" There was a tinge of desperation to Alex's voice. "You didn't do anything wrong. Please…look at me…"

He shook his head.

Alex's heart broke. "Your Mom," she began, trying a different approach to reach him.

He raised his wide and frightened eyes.

"She's all right," Alex said soothingly. "She misses you, but the doctor in charge of her cancer treatment says she's doing a little better in tolerating the chemo. And Dr. Shimo told me she's not asking as much for your brother…" Alex gave Bobby's hand a gentle squeeze. "But she misses you."

Bobby's gaze returned to their hands. "I…I'm sorry," he said in a low voice Alex scarcely recognized. "You…you shouldn't have to…to deal…"

"It's all right," Alex said firmly and gently. "It's not a big deal. Just a phone call every day. I thought about going to see your Mom, but I didn't want to intrude. And Dr. Shimo thought it might be a bad idea."

He was terribly still, and Alex feared she'd crossed some forbidden line. "She," he finally said. "She doesn't always…respond well…to new people…Even…" He glanced quickly at Alex. "People I've told her about. Good people."

Alex took a deep breath. "Ok," she thought. "We're talking." She smiled at him. "How you feeling?"

Bobby considered the question for a moment. "Uh…better…I think." He shifted cautiously on the bed. "The pain…the pain's not too bad…" He seemed surprised by this. "And…I don't feel sick…" His voice grew stronger. "I…I may…" He looked at Alex.

"What is it?" she asked.

He gave her a shy smile. "I may be hungry."

To both Alex and Bobby's surprise, he was hungry, hungry enough that he was mildly disappointed when the nurses allowed him only some soup and ice cream. "Tomorrow," they promised. "Solid food."

"I'll sneak you something," Alex promised after the nurses left. "But no Thai or Mexican…I'd like you to survive all this."

Bobby smiled at her, and Alex realized how much she'd missed that expression. "Ok," she thought. "Maybe I can risk it…" She settled again in the chair next to Bobby's bed. To her surprise, he spoke first.

"I hear," he said hesitantly. "That you've spent a lot of time there lately."

"We've held each other in the same bed," Alex thought. "But we can barely talk to each other."

He plucked at the blanket. "Thank you," he whispered. "For every thing."

She leaned forward and held his hand. "You're welcome. You want to make it up to me?"

"There's…there's no way…I could ever," he stuttered.

"Maybe," Alex said with a confidence she didn't feel. "But you can try…" She brushed a hand across the soft stubble of his cheek; Bobby trembled. "Talk to me, Bobby." Her voice was soft and tender. "Trust me."

"I…I do trust you." His voice was a whisper. "But…I…" She watched as he tried to hide behind his newly rebuilt walls. "You shouldn't have to…"

Alex attacked the walls. "Yes, I do…As much as you do for me."

"But I…" Bobby continued to stare at his hands. "What do I do for you…except…except…Put you in danger…Hurt you…"

Alex seized one of his restless hands. "Bobby…We're both cops…We're going to be in danger…I worry about you too…"

Bobby's head jerked up.

"And, as for hurting me," Alex continued. "We've had this conversation…The only time you hurt me is when you don't let me in…" She took a deep breath. "When you tell me to back off."

There was a long silence.

"I…I'm sorry," he whispered. His hand trembled beneath hers. "I…I…I don't…" He finally looked her in the eyes, and Alex nearly fell back from the pain and fear in his face. "It's hard for me…to trust…to let anyone in…I…I…don't know how."

"Well," Alex said shakily. "This is a start. And everything you've said during this case…The way you've reminded me that we have to allow ourselves to do the job…It seems to me you're doing that well…Better than me most of the time."

She reached and lifted his chin so that he had to keep looking in her eyes. To her relief, he didn't look away.

"But…Claret," he said. "I…I screwed up…I let him…"

"It wasn't just you, Bobby…A lot of people screwed up…His lawyer…other cops…Those stupid cuffs…There's a lot of blame to go around." Alex paused. "Unless you get some kind of kick out of taking the blame for everything."

Bobby jerked, but Alex held on to his hand.

"I…I don't get any pleasure out of it," he said. "But I got blamed for so much for so long…Sometimes it just seems easier to get it over with." He gave her a weak smile.

She had some idea how much that admission cost him. "Ok," she said softly. "But try to take it easier on yourself from now on…Deal?" She stuck out her right hand.

He shook her hand. "Deal."

"You know," Alex said. "To make this official we should have spit on our hands."

Bobby snorted and winced. "Damn, Alex…Don't make me laugh…I'm not sure my ribs can stand it."

It was better after that. Bobby still struggled through bad dreams, but they were less in number and intensity; there were still moments of tentative silences. But he got better, and was soon discharged to Alex's care.

"This is getting to be a habit," Olivia Benson said as she checked the hospital room for Bobby's stuff.

"And I'm getting tired of being your personal chauffeur," Elliott Stabler groused.

"Hey," Alex said from inside the closet. "You guys knew the job was dangerous when you took it."

Bobby tried not to laugh and disturb his tender ribs. He leaned back against the pillows in the bed. "It's good to be going…" He caught himself just before he said "home." He blushed and tried not to catch Alex's eye. "To be getting out of here," he said quickly. He carefully stretched.

Stabler shouldered Bobby's bag. "We'll get the car and meet you out front, ok?"

"See you, kids," Benson laughed as she left.

Alex smiled at Bobby. "So…You almost said home."

He reddened and stared at the bed. Alex decided she liked this shy Bobby. "Wonder if he's so shy about everything," she thought. "Damn it, Eames…get those thoughts out of your head."

"I…I'm sorry," Bobby said softly. "It's just…I'm so glad to get out of here and have someplace to go…I…I…"

"Bobby." Alex decided to put him out of his misery. "It's ok. I'm happy…pleased…that you think my house is…" Her heart jumped in her throat.

"I…I think," Bobby said. "I…Somebody has to sign me out…Maybe you could find a nurse…"

"I'll check," Alex said, grateful for the interruption.

Bobby fell back on the pillows. "Smooth, Goren," he thought. "Really smooth…Talk about being presuming…" He flung one arm across his eyes. "But she didn't seem upset…"

"Detective Goren."

Bobby pulled his arm away at the sound of Captain Ross' voice and sat up carefully. Standing in the doorway, Ross appeared apologetic, a tone Bobby didn't usually associate with the Captain.

"I'm sorry," Ross said. He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "But I'm glad I caught you before you left the hospital."

"What's wrong?" Bobby asked. "Have I done something…"

Ross smiled wanly. "Detective, you've been in the hospital for over a week…Even you couldn't get in trouble under those circumstances."

Bobby allowed a quick smile. "You might be surprised, sir."

"I don't think I want to test that theory," Ross replied. He sighed. "The Claret case…"

Bobby stifled a shiver. "Claret causing trouble?"

"In a way," Ross answered warily. "But he's also been cooperating in many ways."

Bobby leaned forward. "He's talking to Huang…"

Ross sat in the chair next to the bed. "He's talking to a lot of people. Apparently his confrontation with you led to a revelation for Mr. Claret…His lawyer…His new lawyer…is hoping to get some consideration for diminished capacity."

"And if the case goes to trial, he won't get it," Bobby said softly. "Even if Claret really is ill…his crimes are so horrible…"

Ross studied Bobby for a moment. "Whose side are you on, Detective?" he asked with an edge to his voice.

"I'm not on anyone's side," Bobby answered evenly. "I don't make any excuses for Claret. Wanting to know why someone did something doesn't mean excusing what someone did. I'm being realistic. No one will allow Claret to escape from what he did…But if someone had recognized what was happening to him…Well…" Bobby shrugged. "Those women would be alive…Angela Corelli wouldn't be traumatized…And if we can figure out why Claret did what he did…then maybe we can keep someone else from hurting someone."

"I'm not sure our job should deal so much with the why," Ross said quietly. "But I take your point." Bobby felt relieved. He felt he had finally achieved some understanding with his captain.

"The reason I'm here," Ross continued.

"There's a problem…"

"Not so much a real problem," Ross said uneasily. "But…but Claret wants to talk to you…"

"He wants to what!" Alex's stunned and angry voice came from the door.

END CHAPTER 24