Chapter 26

He sprawled on the couch, his mind buzzing.

"She's reading it," he thought. "She has to be…It's been too long since I left her…She's reading it and now she'll know…what…what I really am…How damaged…How useless…And she'll leave me…She'll be as kind as she can about it…She's Alex…She's incapable of being unkind…But she'll leave…And she should…Get a chance at a real life…She's put her life on hold for six years…Nearly lost it because of me."

He closed his eyes. His body begged for rest, but his mind refused it.

"I'm never going to see her again," he thought. "Well, she won't throw me out tonight…And she may stay with me until I get back to Major Case…If I go back…What's the point if I won't be with her? No one else will want to work with me…Even before…Before I managed to almost get her killed…Oh, God…How will I live…Maybe she'll let me see her…A cup of coffee every once in a while."

He rubbed his eyes.

"How pathetic are you, Goren? And what can you do? Work for another agency? Teach? What lunatic would let you teach?"

A subtle scent of lavender reached his nose; he opened his eyes to find Alex kneeling beside the couch.

"Bobby." She breathed his name. "My kind, good, beautiful, brave Bobby." She reached for him.

He jerked away and winced. "No," he said flatly. Ignoring the pain in his body, he sat up.

"No?" Puzzled, Alex looked up at him.

"Pity." He spat the word. "I don't want pity."

He couldn't look at her; he wished she would just send him away.

"Pity? Bobby…you think?" Alex laid her hands on his knees. She tried to judge his feelings, a difficult task under the best of circumstances and nearly impossible with her own in their current stormy condition. "C'mon…how can you expect anyone to even glance at that file and not feel something for that child?"

"I…I hate…pity." He choked on the words. "At least…if someone made fun of me…or was scared of my Mom…I could…can…fight…or try to explain…But pity…I just have to swallow it…and be grateful…"

"I think…" Alex said carefully. "I…I may understand that…a little…When Joe died…"

Bobby glanced at her quickly.

"I hated it when people would whisper…when people would say "Poor Alex"." Her voice was calm and deliberate, and it soothed him. "But you know that…You've had to deal with it all your life."

"Yea," Bobby said. The anger had drained from his voice. "I…I'm sorry…I had…have…no right…I know it's not pity…not coming from you…" He stared at his hands. "From you…it's compassion…"

Alex moved so that she knelt between Bobby's knees. She took his chin in her right hand and tenderly turned his fact to hers. His eyes were tightly shut.

"You are," she said firmly. "A remarkable man. How…" She shook her head. "You're a good and brave man."

Bobby blinked.

"Did you," Alex asked softly. "Expect me to run away…to send you away?"

"Yes…forgive me…yes…" He couldn't look at her.

"Bobby." Her voice remained calm, but he could hear the tension in it. "You know me better than that."

"I…I'm sorry." Bobby stumbled over the words. "But…no one…Before…I've never…never really told anyone…but…even when I told someone a little…hints…They were always so afraid…"

He really looked at her for the first time since she knelt beside him.

"I should've known…You're always brave…You…You may be afraid of something…There's not much that you are…But you never show it…"

Alex leaned forward and carefully wrapped her arms around him; Bobby shivered and slowly leaned forward.

"Brave?" she whispered into his ear. "After…after reading that file…just parts of it…I don't think I know anything about bravery…" She moved back slightly from him. "I'm so proud to know you…to know someone who survived…not only survived…but…became such a good man…one who does so much…who helps so many people."

He couldn't bear it any more. He was too exhausted; his body hurt too much; he was too ashamed; she was too kind. He trembled.

"Bobby." Alex sat by him on the couch. "I honestly don't know if I can help you…But I know…I want to try…But you have to let me…" She took a deep breath. "I love you, you know…"

He spun to look at her, his eyes wide in shock.

"Yea," Alex said in a shaky voice. "You heard right. I love you."

It was too much. He collapsed and fell into her arms. "I…forgive me," he whispered. "I love you too."

In spite of her fears and anger at what had been done to Bobby, Alex's heart soared. "You don't have to apologize for it, you know."

"I…I'm so tired…I'm sorry." His voice was so low that she scarcely heard him. "You're saying the words I've dreamed of you saying…I'm saying things to you that I've dreamed of saying…But this…" He waved his left hand. "It's not how I dreamed any of it…"

"Reality is usually nothing like what we've dreamed," Alex said.

"No," Bobby said, and he looked at her. Alex felt love flow through her. "This is better."

It took her a moment to recover her voice. "You think," she asked. "You can get to my bedroom?"

Bobby wrestled with her words. "Your bed?"

"Yea." Alex smiled. "You know…It's not like you haven't been there."

"Yea," he said. "But everything's changed now…Because of those three words."

Alex pulled away from him; she still held his hands. "Yes," she said. "And no. Look, we're with each other all the time…We stop and stay at each other's places. We take care of each other. People are surprised when they don't see us together." Alex shrugged. "There are plenty of people who think we're already sleeping together." She smiled.

"Yea," Bobby said returning the smile. "But we are sleeping together…but just sleeping."

"They think what they want," Alex said. "Ross just wants us to get through a case without a major crisis…He doesn't want to know."

"But…can we…I mean…God know…I'm not easy to deal with…" Bobby pulled one hand away to rub the back of his neck.

"We'll have to be sure to get away from each other every once in a while…Give ourselves breathing space." Alex was remarkably calm. "But I think we can manage that."

Bobby looked at her in wonder. "You're amazing," he said reverently. "Incredible…" His thumb brushed the back of her hand, creating warm sparks on her skin. "You know…even ignoring the job and its complications…It's not going to be easy…My Mom…You know some of that…" He stared at the floor.

"You must have every thread of that rug memorized by now," Alex said gently. "I understand a lot more now. Not everything, but more. I think I understand why you think you have to talk to Claret. I'm still not sure you should."

Bobby turned to her. "If you don't want me to talk to him, I won't."

She was terrified by the trust and power he placed in her hands with those words. "I…I'd never do that, Bobby. Not with something like this. Hell, I won't even try to tell you not to eat those pastrami sandwiches."

"There are a lot of people," he said softly. "Who would thrill at having that power over someone…Who would think that's love…"

"Yea…well that's not my definition of love," Alex declared in a way that suggested to Bobby that she'd personally experienced that type of behavior.

"So…you'll let me be me," he said.

Her grip tightened slightly on his hand. "Yea…and I expect the same from you."

Everything—his exhaustion, the pain, the enormous relief, and, above all, Alex's love—overwhelmed him. A fog clouded his eyes, and a roaring filled his ears.

"Bobby? Are you all right? Please…" Alex's warm and worried voice reached him through the fog and roar.

His head was in Alex's lap. Bobby blinked and looked up into her warm hazel eyes. "I could look in them forever," he thought, and he smiled as he realized that less then fifteen minutes before he'd been unable to even glance into them.

"What is it?" she asked gently.

"I'm just…It's a lot to deal with," he said.

She helped him sit up, and he looked at her. "And you…It must be tough for you too," he said.

Now she found it difficult to look in his eyes. They were so full of love she could hardly bare the knowledge and depth of his feelings for her.

"Talk about brave," Bobby said. "You're…to tell me that you love me…To take that risk…To…To be brave enough to love someone again…after…and for it to be another cop…" His hand caressed her cheek, and Alex leaned into his warm, gentle touch. "And, on top of all that…to be brave enough to love me…knowing what you know about me." He smiled at her, and Alex's heart splintered, recovered, and melted back together. "You are extraordinary, Alex Eames."

And then he yawned—a huge, gigantic yawn worthy of a grizzly bear.

Alex smiled. Bobby blushed and grinned sheepishly. Alex fought, not entirely successfully, not to giggle. Bobby also lost his battle for control and started chuckling. Within a minute they were both laughing in a state of near hysteria.

"Smooth, Goren, very smooth," Alex gasped when she regained some control.

Bobby winced. "I am in no shape to laugh like that," he said. He grew somber. "And…and I'm afraid…I'm not in any shape for…uh…"

Alex smiled and took his hands. "You're not helping your reputation as the smooth ladies man here," she said. "Don't worry…It's something we can look forward to…"

Bobby smiled ruefully and tried to stifle another yawn.

"C'mon," Alex said. "Let's get you to bed before we both get hysterical again."

She guided him to her bedroom. It was the same as before, but slightly different in ways he couldn't define. Everything was better because Alex loved him. She helped him shed his shirt, pants, shoes and socks and slip under the covers. Wearing her extra, extra large NYPD shirt, she joined him there a few minutes later.

"You take your medicine? Do you need anything?" she asked as she moved closer to him.

"I'm ok…I…I'm just trying to adjust," he said.

Alex carefully cuddled him. His head rested just below her chin. "Adjust?"

"Yea…to the idea…fact…that you love me…It's…it's wonderful."

She held him as tightly as she dared.

END Chapter 26