Chapter 28

Bobby checked the form to make sure that even the smartest and least ethical lawyer couldn't find a loophole. Satisfied that nothing could leak from the form and sink the case, he scrawled his name at the bottom and smiled at the memory of a case where a desperate defense attorney challenged a report because of Bobby's indecipherable signature. He glanced at Alex's desk. She also swam through the deep end of a pool of paperwork and hadn't caught his smile. Bobby wished that she had seen his smile, that she'd ask him what was so funny so that he could remind her about that time in court. He could've performed his impression of Ron Carver trying to simultaneously jump to his feet yelling "Objection!" and doubling over with laughter. They could certainly use the laugh, or even just the smile. It had been a week since the Major Case Squad welcomed Bobby back to work, with Mike Logan grumbling, "Just don't think we're going to keep having big parties for you every time you do something stupid, Goren." Logan was also the first detective to invite Bobby for a drink that evening. To Bobby's surprise and delight, much of the SVU squad joined several Major Case detectives. Bobby entered the bar just in time to see Olivia Benson and Alex struggling not to snort their drinks out their noses. Catching sight of Bobby, Elliott Stabler gave him a friendly wave. Through the evening Bobby realized that the strange happiness he felt came from being included, being a part of, a group that was happy to have him. And the fact that this was a group of cops—cops that he respected and liked—was a great and added blessing. Alex had to drag him away at the end of the evening with threats of dire reports to his doctors.

Bobby looked again at Alex, who made steady progress through the paperwork. That evening had been one of the few times free of tension between them since he'd returned to full time work. The wheels were in motion for a possible confrontation with Gregory Claret, and, while Alex made every effort to support him, it was also clear that she thought this a terrible idea. Bobby's position wasn't helped by the fact that he agreed with her at least half of the time. He missed the closeness that had grown between them and hated the gaps now between them.

"But if I can just get through this…just talk to him and find out why I'm not like him," Bobby thought. "I have to know this…before I can let myself…"

He studied Alex. "If I can love her…I have to know this."

The ringing of his phone broke into his thoughts.

Alex watched him as he took the call. Bobby would have been stunned to know how closely her thoughts matched his. Like Bobby, she missed their former closeness. He still spent many nights at her home, but now almost always on her couch. He always went to sleep after her and woke before her. She suspected he still suffered from his nightmares, but he kept them hidden from her.

"Damn, Claret," she thought angrily. "Things were going so well…And dammit, Bobby…" Alex glanced at Bobby. "No…don't blame him for being himself…That's what he is…He cares too much about everything and everyone…even people who don't deserve it."

Bobby rested the receiver in its cradle. He sighed and returned to his attack on the paperwork.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "What's going on?"

Bobby twirled his pen. "I…I was just thinking about that time…when the defense attorney objected to my signature…and Carver tried to address the judge…and…" He withered under Alex's skeptical eye. "Ok," he shrugged. "But I was thinking about that before…before the call…"

"And what was the call about?" Alex asked.

Bobby twirled the pen faster. "Uh…are you…you ready for a break? You want some coffee? My treat?"

Alex placed her pen on the pile of completed forms. "That bad, uh?"

"Probably," Bobby admitted. "Bad enough that you might want to be out of the office when I tell you."

"Ok," Alex said. "But I'm getting a triple venti mocha…and maybe a slice of coffeecake."

Bobby nervously followed her to the elevator. He fidgeted with his binder as the lights flashed out the floors. Only the presence of others in the elevator and on the street kept Alex from demanding that Bobby tell her what was going on. They were safely camped at a hidden table before they spoke.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "Spill it."

Bobby took a deep drink of coffee. "Claret…"

"I thought so," Alex said with an edge to her voice.

Bobby rubbed his eyes. "He's agreed…actually, he wants…to meet with me…"

Alex stared at her coffee cup.

"It's…it's not just for me," Bobby said weakly. He wished that Alex would just explode with the anger he deserved.

She looked up at him, and he couldn't meet her eyes.

"I'm going with you," she declared. "And I'm going in with you."

"No," Bobby said.

"No what?" Alex glared at him.

Bobby now stared at his cup. "No…you can't go in the room with me…"

"If I don't go in," Alex said firmly. "You don't go in…"

Bobby rubbed his thumb over his coffee cup. "Alex…"

"No…There's no discussion about this, Bobby."

Bobby raised his eyes to her, and the desperate look in them struck Alex with the force of a hammer.

"All right," he said in a flat and defeated voice.

Alex gripped her cup tightly. "What am I doing to him," she thought. "He'll do anything for me…even if it goes against everything he is…even if it destroys him." She took a deep breath.

"Bobby, why don't you want me in the interrogation room?"

He looked at her. "She wants to understand," he thought. "And she deserves an explanation…or at least an attempt…" He spread his hands flat on the table.

"Ok," he said. "Ok." He took a deep breath. "I'm afraid you'll provoke Claret…or distract him…or distract me…The biggest reason is that I'm afraid…you'll learn about me…"

"It sounds like," Alex said cautiously. "You're letting the personal invade the professional…"

"I know," Bobby admitted. "But I think…it would've been the same with or without the feelings I have for you."

Alex stared into her coffee. "I have to give you points for honesty, Bobby."

"This interview…it'll be at Ryker's…A really secure area…with guards in the room…" Bobby seemed to argue with himself as much as with Alex.

"If it's so safe, why won't you let me in the room?" Alex asked reasonably.

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "Like you said…I can't seem to separate the personal and the professional. If you're in there…I'll be worrying about you…and…and…what you might find out about me…"

Alex glanced quickly around the coffee shop, and, satisfied no one saw them, reached across the table to tenderly touch Bobby's hand. "I've read that file, Bobby," she said. "I don't think there's anything that will surprise me."

Bobby stared at their hands.

"I haven't exactly been objective about all of this, either…I think I understand what you're saying." She smiled at him. "But I still think I'm right. But you can go in there…with protection…But if anything shows the slightest sign of going wrong, I'm going to be in there so fast…"

"Understood," Bobby said quickly. "Actually, I'm glad you'll be there…It's just…" His grip tightened on her hand. "The thought of you being in there…not just with Claret…but with me…" He stared again at their hands. "I'm afraid of me, Alex…and I…don't know why…"

"I don't know that either," Alex said gently. "But I know I'm not afraid of you…I can't imagine there's any reason to be afraid of you…"

Bobby finally looked Alex in the eyes. The love in them warmed and thrilled him.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for trying to understand…for letting me do this."

"Well," Alex said, her voice shaking. "I love you because you're you…I have to let you be you."

End Chapter 28