Once again, I don't own it, I'm just playing with the characters for a while.

And Still We Smile

Chapter Two

"Each man's life touches so many other lives.

When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

- from the movie "It's A Wonderful Life"

Just before the ambulance doors were slammed closed and they whisked Reid off to the hospital, Jennifer Jareau managed to push past Prentiss, Hotch, several EMTs, and Morgan – trumping even Gideon with her urgency – and managed to hoist herself into the back of the ambulance and secure herself the ride with Reid to the ER. She had to be near him and see for herself that he was still with them, that he was still 'him' after all they'd witnessed happening to him via the video feed of Tobias'. There were things she had to say, and had to hear from him, without the five ever-present other people around.

She perched gingerly on the bench seat in the side of the ambulance, so close to the stretcher Reid lay on that she banged her knees against it awkwardly as they pulled back out of the rutted gravel drive to the old forgotten cemetery. She nervously wet her upper lip with the tip of her tongue, unsure of how to start. "Spence?" she finally whispered, her breath feathery with fear and stress and relief.

He glanced over to meet her eyes, and the dazed look he'd been wearing a moment ago focused on her. "JJ?" he replied, sounding curiously bemused. His hand fumbled over the sheet covering him – reaching for her hand, she realized – and she clutched it gratefully, gathering his long, agile fingers up in hers and squeezing reassuringly. "What is it?" he asked.

'Obviously, this has affected his intuition at all,' her mind noted. Apparently, nothing could slow his amazing brain power, or turn it off for even a second. The question was, Would he still want anything to do with her? Did he blame her? The thoughts didn't quit careening through her head until she leaned over him, clutching the hand she still held to her chest, and brushed a sweat-soaked, matted string of hair off his forehead. "I'm so sorry, Spence," she whispered. "I should have had your back. I know it. Everyone else of the team knows it. This is my fault…I screwed up. I'm sorry."

He blinked rapidly, trying to process her words, but finding himself completely confused. Was she seriously blaming herself for this? There wasn't anything she could have done. Luckily, he had the chance to tell her just that. He didn't know how to fix the damage from anything else that had happened to him since they'd went to Hankel's house, but he could at least fix this.

"JJ, this isn't your fault. What could you have done? If anybody got me kidnapped, it was myself. I took off, when you weren't sure we should split up. I followed Tobias into that cornfield and left you alone. When I heard you scream…and those gunshots…JJ, I could very easily have gotten you killed, or eaten alive by mad dogs, or taken as well. I would never have forgiven myself if he'd done to you what he…" here Reid trailed off, his eyes flickering away from hers, but she squeezed his hand again, urging him to continue if he needed. "You didn't do anything wrong," he finally repeated. His eyes were honest and sincere; desperate to make things at least feel okay again. "If anyone should be apologizing, it's me to you."

"Why don't we just call ourselves even?" she suggested, finally relaxing with the knowledge that he didn't blame her or hate her for what had happened to him on "her watch" as she saw it. "I'm just glad you're here with us," she added.

"Me too," Reid affirmed, though his voice sounded hazy again instead of fervent as it had a moment before. Then those intelligent, expressive eyes closed, and he slipped off into either sleep or unconsciousness, JJ couldn't be sure which. But she leaned back, resting against the side of the ambulance, realizing that he was in good hands. She was almost sagging with the tension and adrenaline draining out of her, and she let out a long-held breath, but she continued to cling to his hand. She wasn't going to let go anytime soon. No one was going to take him away from them again. Not while she could help it.