(Hey, sorry for the long wait on this chapter, my attention got kidnapped by a CSI:NY one-shot I wanted to try and I couldn't focus until I got that out of my system Thanks to all those who have been patient and are still reading. There's one more chapter after this.)
And Still We Smile
Chapter 10
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it
seems you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up, for that
is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
Aaron Hotchner was a man of decision; of certain action. He didn't hesitate or second-guess. There were black and white laws and beliefs, and not allowing for gray area made him the leader that he was; made him able to do his job. That hard-line approach, that certainty of absolutes, was what made him good.
And yet, he had never been faced with this before. One of his agents – one of his own – stood before him, admitting their own guilt. Though he wanted it to be a lie, or a prank, or a set-up, Hotch knew that it was none of those things, nothing but the most awful of all: the truth. Reid had sat down before him and spewed out the story as quickly as he could –as though ripping a Band-Aid off a gaping wound it couldn't hold. To hear it straight from Reid in an anguished tone that Hotch had never heard the young genius use before, made it impossible for Hotch to deny.
Steepling his hands at his forehead for a moment, he let out a steadying breath, choosing his next words carefully. The father in him wanted to make sure Spencer Reid was alright, to gather the suffering young man up and hold onto him until whatever had been broken inside him was fixed. He'd followed that instinct only once before, when they had finally found Reid that night at Hankel's. Then, he had wanted to feel for himself that Reid was there, and in one piece, and alright, and he wanted to do the same now. He wanted to be sure that his youngest agent would be taken care of from now on.
But the team leader, the true believer in the FBI and all it stood for, even down to the smallest details and rules, the man who knew what had to be done and didn't fail to carry that out, knew now wasn't the time for that – he couldn't be Reid's friend, father figure, or surrogate older brother right now. There was too much at stake.
"This is serious, Reid," he ground out slowly, his hands clenching in on themselves as his forearms rested on the desk and his eyes hardened and grew darker. "You've been hurting yourself, abusing an illegal substance while serving as a federal agent, and lying to all of us – for months."
Reid's head bowed slightly, offering no response; no argument or defense of his actions, only a slight sort of nod of acceptance. He looked back up and met Hotch's eyes though, as if wanting to convey his honesty now, willingness to take whatever consequences Hotch was now forced to give him.
Hotch's eyes flicked over to JJ sitting beside Reid, her one hand's fingers twined with his, and the other hand resting bracingly on his arm. "Have you known this long?" Hotch asked her abruptly, hating that he had to, that this thing had the possibility of getting even messier. "Have you been helping him hide this?" He didn't believe it, knew that her sense of duty would be too strong to allow something like this to go on under all their noses, but he still had to make sure, had to confirm it.
Her mouth fell open, looking both shocked and hurt, as if she hadn't even considered him asking that question. Before she could recollect herself to respond, Reid cut in.
"Hotch, no, she didn't know," he blurted out. "She thought something was wrong, and she showed up at my door last night, trying to find out what. But she didn't know that, well, that it was what it was. I hadn't told anyone until she dragged it out of me."
Hotch gave a curt nod, accepting that answer, glad at least that he didn't have to reprimand JJ as well. In fact, they ought to be thanking her for pushing Reid when the rest of them had backed off. Or else this could have continued for much longer. With a sigh, he resigned himself to finishing this conversation. It had to be done. "What exactly do you want me to do, Reid?" he asked.
Reid shook his head sadly, not sure he knew any sort of answer he could give that would be enough to repair the damage he had done. "I don't know," he whispered. "I just realized that I couldn't keep it from you anymore. I trust you'll do whatever you have to, Hotch, and that it will be the right thing."
Hotch paused just a moment, an uncharacteristic glimmer of uncertainty flashing through his eyes before he visibly seemed to make up his mind. Looking first JJ and then Reid directly in the eye, he spoke at last, his words carrying the weight of his responsibility and his regret for what he had to say. "You'll have to agree to some sort of treatment program – as soon as possible – and see a counselor as well, for as many sessions as they deem necessary. You'll be listed as on medical leave indefinitely." Here Hotch paused, only the expression that entered his eyes giving away what he was feeling, "When you're well…when you've dealt with this…we'll see about your place here in the BAU."
Reid felt his insides quivering, helpless to stop it, but he kept his face impassive, holding Hotch's gaze steadily. He knew the older man didn't really have any other choice and was doing what would in the end be best for him. It was merely the thought of being cut out of the only place that he'd ever managed to make for himself in the world that hurt. It was enough to make his control freefall, and he struggled to, just barely, keep it in check.
He knew it could have been much worse. Hotch could have fired him outright – he could even have been facing legal charges. All he did was nod, and say quietly, "Understood."
Hotch got to his feet, and Reid and JJ quickly followed suit. Ending the oppressive conversation, Hotch said, "Wheels up at nine, we'll be heading back home."
Reid turned to go, still clutching JJ's hand, grateful that she at least was still with him. If he did end up having to leave the BAU, would she still be in his life? Would any of them? Would he have even one of them left as friends? He had to hope that since JJ cared as much as she'd already shown, she would still stand by him, whether or not she was still his teammate. Maybe he'd even find a way to trust that Gideon's fatherly caring, Morgan's open, easy friendship, and Hotch's brotherly affection would extend to him simply as a person and not just a coworker.
Hotch hadn't been very encouraging, but then, he had just had the bombshell dumped in his lap without warning. Would he come around, in time, or would he look on Reid with disappointment from now on? As his hand reached out for the doorknob, Hotch's voice stopped him. His voice was gentler now, warmer, as he spoke again. "Reid, you focus on getting well. We're all behind you – whatever happens."
Pulse racing suddenly with a flutter of emotions, Reid turned, blinking rapidly, to nod to Hotch in acknowledgement. Maybe everything else would fall to pieces, but with those few words, he knew. He wasn't going to lose them – not completely.