CHAPTER TWELVE: the walls between us

Buffy sprinted down the hallway Lucinda had pointed out only a few hours earlier. She could sense Tara was near and narrowed in on a small pine door. She felt the warm buzz emanating from the room, something that was entirely Tara and paused. She didn't know whether she should knock or just barge in. She wanted to comfort the blonde but how could she make her see it wasn't her fault, she was coming to care for the blonde too much to let her think these things. She wouldn't let Tara blame herself. But it was obvious by Tara's actions that she believed it was and even in the short period of time that Buffy had known her she knew this wasn't going to be an easy task. Nodding to herself she raised her hand preparing to knock.

"P-Please…" a voice said causing the Slayer pause. "B-Buffy I know y-you're there…and I know what y-you're trying to do…just d-don't okay."

"Tara…" Buffy whispered lowering her raised fist and placing her hand against the door. Her heart was pounding at the Wicca's cracking words. She was obviously crying. "Tara I need to talk to you."

"B-Buffy…" Tara started again. "I-I'm sorry I just…I c-can't…" she took a shuddering breath that gnawed at the Slayer's insides. "I-I should h-have never h-have come to S-Sunnydale." Buffy frowned and reached for the door handle instinctively. It was locked. She put her head against the door helplessly the woman's words cutting her deeply.

"Tara please open the door…" she sighed knowing that with the tie broken with her Slayer side she couldn't very well brake it down her self. "I need to talk to you." She didn't know what she was going to say…or how she was going to say it. She just knew that what she felt for the Wicca surpassed all that she had thought was possible to feel for another person, and when Tara said she had wished she had never come to Sunnydale… something cracked inside of her. She needed to be honest with herself and to Tara, she realized now without a fraction of a doubt what she was feeling. "And what I have to say shouldn't be said with a wall between us so please?" she didn't know how Tara would react to what she had to say but considering the circumstances she thought that Tara should know. And know that she could never blame her. "Please Tara?" Buffy said tears beginning to rise to her eyes. She shook inwardly when she got no reply.

On the other side of the wall Tara was clenching her eyes shut trying to block out the slayer's desperate words. By not opening the door she was fighting every fiber of her being that screamed for the Slayer's nearness. A few minutes passed and still nothing was said. She knew Buffy was still outside the door, but what could she say. Sorry I didn't know that you might die if I loved you? She shook her head. That was not even an option.

"Tara! Please talk to me?" Buffy said falling to her knees in front of the door. She didn't know what to do. "I need you…" she whispered. Tara's body quaked at the words but she refused to give in. she couldn't. Couldn't hurt her anymore.

When Tara had come to Sunnydale she hoped to find Buffy, hoped she would remember her, and prayed she'd be would accept her into her life if only as a friend. She had told Buffy that it was what Lucinda that had suggested she come but that wasn't true. She had begged Lucinda to let her go, countering the older woman's questions with the fact that she could be of help and that she was more than capable to handle herself. Not to mention could go to college right there in town.

Secretly though, she had been keeping tabs on supernatural activity since she had met Buffy. Before she knew it she was following the demonic activity in L.A. to a fault, hoping to find traces of what Buffy was, where she was, who she was. She had even returned to Hemry against her mother's wishes hoping to find the blonde that had saved her, she even went to her house but with no luck. The girl was gone. Before she left she retrieved one of the school's yearbooks. But the picture in the yearbook wasn't the girl she had met that night, the girl she had met was so much more.

To be honest her search for Buffy almost verged on obsession but something about the girl had awoken something inside of her that she couldn't explain. When she was near her, her whole body seemed to hum. Like she was only just then truly alive, she made her feel like she was worth something. The way she looked at her with such care and gentleness pulled at her core. She didn't know why or how but something inside of her cried out for her even then, cried out to protect her in return. All she knew was that she needed to find her again.

She could hear Buffy whimpering on the other side of the door and gripped her pillow tighter trying to muffle her own tears. Even when her mother became sick the thought of finding Buffy kept her going.

But now after almost four years of training and searching and finally finding her…only to put her in danger? She couldn't help but think it was her fault. Yes it pained her to know the Slayer was hurting, pained her so much she could barely stand it, but it was knowing that she was to blame that was really killing her. She didn't deserve her and never would. She closed her eyes and allowed the exhaustion of tears overtake her.

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Lucinda sighed setting the books her and Giles had been looking through away. There was still no word from Buffy or Tara and it began to worry her.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Joyce asked remaining in the Study after Giles had returned to his room. Lucinda sighed.

"Too be honest with you Joyce I'm not sure." She sighed not knowing how much she should voice her thoughts with the older Summers. "Tara cares for Buffy a lot. That much I am sure of." She sighed sitting in a chair across from the woman. "And she feels that by seeking Buffy out she is now to blame for what has happened."

"But wasn't it you who sent her to help on the Hellmouth?" Joyce asked wondering why the young girl would blame herself for it if it wasn't her idea. Lucinda raised her eyebrow confused.

"Is that what she told you?" Joyce nodded and she frowned realizing something. "I think she is going to take this harder than you and I could both imagine."

"What do you mean?"

"Joyce. I'm going to be honest here, Tara practically begged me to let her go to the Hellmouth in Sunnydale. I of course was against it to begin with. I promised her mother I'd look after her and sending her to a demon infested region hardly seemed like the way."

"She asked to come?" Joyce said surprised. "You mean she wanted to fight." Giles had said that Tara was against violence, so why would she want to come. Lucinda continued reading the look on Joyce's face.

"Yes Tara for the most part is pretty much against violence all together, that is why I was surprised that she asked. Of course she was powerful enough to hold her own. Since she came here she's focused on honing in on her own abilities as a sorceress and has succeeded beautifully." Lucinda shook her head remembering how Tara was always going above and beyond her teachings as if powered by an outside force. "Surprisingly though her mother had said she had never shown that great of an interest in expanding her powers before, but admitted her daughter had changed a great deal since she had encountered the Slayer." She paused taking a sip of tea. "When her mother got sick I thought maybe she was hoping to save her and that was why she kept expanding her powers, but Tara knew that's not what her mom would have wanted. Plus when Caroline passed on Tara continued training, and now with what has happened I can't help but question why."

"Is it possible that she just wanted to do some good for the world?" Joyce asked not understanding why Lucinda didn't grasp that herself.

"No, I didn't mean why she trained, I meant why so hard and why the Hellmouth specifically?" She hoped the Joyce would get what she was trying to say without actually saying it. "There are places to fight all over California, on top of which Tara wanted to go to college there and why I'll never know, her credentials could get her in anywhere." She sighed. "What was in Sunnydale that Tara would work so hard to get there for? Had she been a fraction weaker I would never had given my consent for her to go and she knew that. Which is why I think she trained so hard. But the question remains as to why."

"You think she came for Buffy?" Joyce said filling in what the woman wasn't saying. "But they had only met once." Lucinda shrugged thinking about how Tara looked at Buffy. Sometimes once is all it takes.

"I know and that's why I'm worried she is going to take this hard." Joyce pondered this for a moment trying to understand what Lucinda was getting at.

"But why do think she did it?" Joyce asked wondering if Lucinda had picked up on the two's budding relationship. Lucinda grinned to herself that Joyce realized what she was really saying.

"Well what's the only human emotion known to drive us to do things we never thought were possible, give us the strength to keep going despite the odds?"

"You think she loves her don't you?" Lucinda smiled glad that Joyce had finally voiced it.

"If I said yes would you feel any differently towards Tara?" She thought of Tara like a daughter and hoped Joyce would respect that.

"Not at all." Joyce said quickly, in reality being quite pleased that her daughter's own feelings weren't just one sided. Though after talking with Tara while Buffy was out and getting to know her she could easily see the depth at which Tara cared for Buffy. It was clearly obvious the Wicca harbored more than just friendly feelings towards Buffy she was just glad that she wasn't the only one to recognize it. "Tara is a beautiful person and I would never think any lower of her if that's what you are asking." Lucinda nodded glad to hear that that is how Joyce felt on the matter.

"Well in that case I can confidently tell you that at this point I'm sure of it." She sighed rubbing her hands together absent mindedly. "But with her feelings conflicting with what has happened…she could take this bad. Not to mention we have no idea if Buffy returns her feelings." Joyce just grinned. "What?"

"Let's just say that Tara's feelings are definitely not just one sided." Joyce laughed at Lucinda's incredulous look. "Trust me when I say they aren't. She told me herself."

"She told you?"

"Well…" Joyce winked. "With a little bit of prying she told me." Lucinda smiled. "God you should have seen her, she was star struck."

"Well this is an interesting turn of events…" she paused something about this whole situation sounding eerily familiar.

"What is it?" Joyce said noticing the woman had become quiet. Lucinda stood and began scanning a shelf of books. She shook her head not finding what she was looking for.

"I'm not sure…but I think it's important."

Okay thanks again to all who have reviewed I hope you have enjoyed this story so far. I also have a picture that for the life of me I can not get up on here so you all can see it. Its a B/T pic if you were wondering. But if anyone would be interested in seeing it I can send it to you. I dunno I think its pretty cool but I could be biased since I did it. Alright well I hope you enjoy what's still to come and once again thank you thank you for reviewing, I love you people.