CHAPTER 6

Bears and dolls

Sleep came easily but rest eluded him. V knew he would dream, he could always tell when he would. It was a feeling he knew far too well; a persistent aura of uneasiness, similar to melancholy preceding a storm. He could repress it for a while if he had to but eventually whatever his mind wanted to tell would take over him and show him things, not caring if he was asleep or awake. Dreaming was far less inconvenient than hallucinating so he surrendered, like he rarely did, resigned to watch what promised to be a bizarre play.

He also knew that dreams often gave him priceless insight to his own thoughts, and many times he'd found the solution to intricate problems through his dreams. Some were frightening, yes, but they were still truthful and always expressed his deepest concerns with a clarity that only required a minimum of analysis to be translated into practical suggestions.

For a long time it was dark and he knew he was dreaming already but didn't know where he was supposed to be or what he was meant to experience. He was cold and lonely but didn't want to interfere with the process and remained quiet. Eventually his dream senses noted he was inside Evey's room. He did not believe he could think of it as any other storage room any longer. It was her room, and it would be hers forever, even if she left the very next morning to never return.

For a moment he expected it to be one of those dreams involving him begging for some sex and he was actually surprised to see it wasn't. The girl was in her bed, sleeping peacefully under her covers and the loud crocheted blanket he'd stolen for her. The only sound was that of her calm breathing and from time to time a soft murmuring that escaped her lips. She seemed to be dreaming herself and V wondered who she might be talking to in her sleep. No, it would be presumptuous to think she would be talking to him.

He didn't want to look closely, thinking that the bear would be in her arms as usual, settled between her small breasts, on that spot so close to those eternally erect nipples. How many times they'd invaded his dreams, so many that he could almost taste them. And this wasn't an innocent toy either; it was the usurper and the thief, one more enemy to destroy. It was not fair that the little beast should rest warm and comfortable while he was cold and exhausted.

At the end he couldn't repress glancing at Evey and as expected the hated rival was in her arms. V sighed, wondering why the dream was showing him something he already knew and if the bear was occupying a spot he now considered his, it was his own fault, not the bear's. Morbid curiosity possessed him and he looked again, trying to find more detail in the shadows of the room. Everything seemed to be in order, meaning that the dream wanted him to focus on the small person sleeping in the bed.

Evey stirred and continued dreaming right away, her unintelligible dialogue resumed. It was tempting to take the chance and lift the edge of the covers to slip under them and settle behind her, arms wrapped around her as if she were a teddy bear as well. Perhaps then he would be able to rest again.

But no, he dared not. It was of no importance that it was just a dream; he still would not do it. V settled for watching her, trying to ignore the bear but the dream did not seem to progress and he decided the reason was that he wasn't cooperating. He'd learned that trick long ago; if a dream tried to deliver a message and he ignored it or got it all wrong, his mind would keep on tormenting him on future nights with the very same dream. If he made progress the dreams would change until the message was complete, then the dreams based on the subject would stop altogether to be replaced by common dreams. Still it was better to do it correctly since the beginning, especially if the dream was unpleasant, just because that would shorten the agony of the process.

Then it wasn't Evey he was supposed to be looking at, regardless of how pretty a sight it would be. He was in that dream to learn something, not to be entertained. The perspective changed slightly, showing him what he was supposed to study instead. He was not surprised that it was the bear once more but the puny beast looked slightly different, perhaps distorted by the strange visual language of a dream.

Evey giggled in her sleep and moved again, this time to free her hand from the covers and make curls out of the toy's dark yarn hair. V wondered why a teddy bear would have long yarn hair and his curiosity beat any reservations he would still have at that point. He sat on the edge of the bed, now convinced the sleeping Evey in his dream wouldn't even notice or care and leaned closer to look at this curious transformation the bear was apparently going through.

The girl seemed to notice that after all she wasn't alone and squeezed her prize even tighter. V waited until she relaxed again and went back to inspecting the now mysterious toy. It wasn't a teddy bear; it was a rag doll he had never seen before. He looked around, puzzled at the disappearance of the hated bear, and soon found it sitting on the pillow and leaning against the headboard, not quite forgotten but definitely displaced by the newcomer.

He'd have to deal with yet another rival, then. Just what he needed. He could not remember giving her a doll and she did not bring one with her either. And what a strange doll it was; larger than the bear and shaped like a human being, very much like any other doll but where others were graced with bright colors, this one was all black. Then it was clear; he could not see a face but it was obvious that the rag doll dream-Evey was playing with in her sleep looked just like him.

Such a strange dream indeed. Perhaps it was saying that she definitely thought of him as nothing more than a toy and treated him accordingly, at least from V's perspective since the dream was designed to tell him to his face what –he- really felt, regardless of what Evey could think or feel in return.

The dream continued, definitely a sign of progress and Evey stirred again to deliver a sleepy kiss to the doll's head, and then tucked it under her chin, pulling the covers over it, once the pillow talk they seemed to be somehow engaged in was over for the night.

V wasn't sure about the meaning of what he'd just seen, which so far seemed to be directly related to the core of the dream, the part where he should find his answers. He wouldn't be surprised if he needed further dreams to find the meaning of the first one since the obvious; that he may feel that Evey treated him like a rag doll didn't seem satisfactory.

"The problem is you are not a rag doll." Sentenced a mighty voice in the dark of his dream, startling him. Then the scene changed and this time Evey was awake and active, being apparently the hours before noon. She was wearing her favorite short and top and once again seemed oblivious to him being there, watching her lying on her belly and rubbing her bare feet together.

Evey was busy playing with her black rag doll. She'd settled it on the pillows and there it stayed, sitting still with its arms stretched out and the legs very straight while she chatted with it and brandished a small brush to arrange the yarn wig to perfection. V couldn't understand what she said but that didn't concern him, he knew it wasn't the words he was supposed to be paying attention to; it was the general feeling of the surreal conversation those two were sharing what mattered.

It was curious to see her on her neatly done bed, giggling and talking to his rag alter-ego in such a casual manner; she'd never talked to him like that in real life. She finished brushing the yarn wig and put the brush away in the top drawer of her night table. Then she looked satisfied at her work and went back to chatting with the doll, caressing it with familiarity.

Dream-Evey paused as if to listen to something said by the doll and giggled again, reaching out to mess up the wig she'd just brushed to perfection, which made her laugh harder. The dialogue V couldn't decipher held her captive and she nodded in answer to something, while nibbling so gently on a little gloved hand.

V was just as interested on what was going on, wondering what was the secret that doll was hiding, the key to keeping a girl so focused on him. The doll did not seem to be doing much and that was the most curious part. If only he could steal the secret…

"The problem is you are not a rag doll" Said the thundering voice again and once more the scene changed to show him with clarity more of what was stored in his head, keeping him up at night and later disturbing his rest when sleep finally came.

This time nobody was chatting and the dream wasn't as peaceful as the two previous parts he'd already seen, this time he had to look away for long enough to blush and feel like an intruder. Evey was busy on one of her "playing" sessions she loved to torment him with, once more oblivious to everything but her own actions.

Apparently in her hurry she'd neglected to take off anything more than her shorts and panties, her top was still in place and she didn't pay attention to it. The doll was sitting on the bed, trapped in the small space between her parted legs and the pillow she'd put under her knees; its sole task was to hold the vibrator against its belly so it would not slip completely out of her body even if she moved her hips around it. Her little fingers were very busy teasing the erect clitoris and the mesmerized watcher almost forgot he wasn't there for fun; he had to study the doll. The little bastard looked remarkably happy, especially when she came.

Dream-Evey sighed content and to his shock, looked straight at him, licking her moist fingers. "The problem is you are not a rag doll." She purred her statement with a sly smile and then he was pushed out of sleep and back into the waking world, sticky and with his head full of questions. He lay in his bed, fully alert and already working on finding meaning in what he'd just seen and heard.

Of course he wasn't a rag doll. He was nothing like a doll. He didn't understand how not being a rag doll was a problem. After all he was supposed to be a person, not a… flaccid human-shaped toy. On the other hand, the meaning of the dream wasn't supposed to be literal and he'd have to use his wit. So, the problem wasn't that Evey would tease him and be a brat in general. No, the problem was that she wouldn't take that last stride to demand access to him, even when she'd shown interest, as he had already decided was the case. Why?

"Because I'm not a rag doll…" V said, touching himself absentmindedly and not knowing yet the answer to his dilemma but already feeling better for having something to work with, instead of just unsatisfied lust and confusion. He didn't know which was worse.

V didn't understand why she wouldn't deliver the killing blow. She'd cornered him several times, she could have done anything she'd felt like doing when he was drugged on the couch, when he had been unable to move, but still perfectly capable of feeling. And yet she chose not to; she only gave him another sample of mischief -one he had enjoyed very much- and let him go, not disturbing even one button on his clothing. And then a torrent of thoughts crossed his mind; and why would she have to do it all in the first place? Why her? Couldn't –he- do some of the work also? Wasn't he supposed to reciprocate and put his bravado away for a while to flirt back for real if he was honestly interested?

He gasped as how obvious that part of the answer was, how plain and simple and logical. In truth, had he shown any approval to her touching him at least? Was he letting her know dislike wasn't the message he wanted to deliver deep inside? Hell no. He'd stare to make her squirm or perhaps say something slightly loaded, maybe show off during fencing practice, but except for a couple times when –he- had invited her to touch him with a silly excuse, like that of wearing a new shirt, he had expressed no approval to such thing, in fact he had done just the opposite; growing very tense, wincing, and sometimes even recoiling. The mixed messages he kept sending said "I'm interested but not yet familiar with this." but translated as "I don't like being touched by you."

Even when the girl dared to ask for physical contact by means of a comforting hug, he'd agree to it and then he'd ruin the whole thing by broadcasting wave after wave of discomfort, as if it repulsed him. It was surprising that Evey still bothered trying and had also turned it into a playful mission. Granted she went too far sometimes but seen from her perspective it made perfect sense. She seemed determined to enjoy poking him until she found the right spot or the right time to go past his defenses, even if that meant subjecting him to a constant attack that from time to time had more to do with harassment than with seduction.

Things were making sense already. V did want her to talk to him and touch him in such a natural way, with no discomfort or awkwardness. However, he didn't know how to accomplish that, he didn't know everything, just a lot of things. So if the problem was that he wasn't a rag doll, would everything be right if he was? How could he become a rag doll anyway?

He could not, of course, especially the –being flaccid- thing, not in the literal sense. What he could do instead was mimic the virtues dream-Evey found so appealing in the rag doll, hoping the change would also be attractive to real life Evey. Yes, the old lesson; be a mirror, become your enemy. At least he could learn from such an inviting character that wasn't afraid of being touched and pampered, a creature that knew when to give up control and be receptive, even passive. Dare he say… submissive by choice even? How much power it must take to do that!

It would be very difficult to accomplish; he wasn't used to letting go like that, and just the thought of it made him uneasy. He remembered giving up control only when it was snatched from him and after he'd been stripped of any option but forced submission to whatever was imposed on him. That was the core within the core of his dilemma; he had associated Evey's advances with the possibility of future abuse directly linked to giving up control. It would take him some time to deal with the possibility of being passive and safe at the same time, even longer to reconcile both.

But she wasn't trying to break him; she was trying to seduce him. V was satisfied for having found his answer but he was also cautious because evolving meant this time he could not hide inside his mind until it was over like he used to, he would have to face it consciously –and- willingly. He'd have to learn how to express with clarity what he really wanted, hoping that by doing so Evey would know how to keep him whole. And if everything went well, he might even enjoy it.

Yes, he'd found the solution. He would have to try because being afraid wasn't worthy of him, it wasn't dignified and it wasn't right. If becoming a soft rag doll and trusting someone other than himself was what he'd have to do in order to recover his sanity, he would do it.