CHAPTER THIRTEEN: not your fault

It was late when Lucinda began to make her way to her room. When she rounded the corner she caught a glimpse of someone huddled outside Tara's door. She sighed to herself recognizing the form to be Buffy. As she approached the Slayer she frowned. Buffy was sleeping against the wall, her hair matted to tear strained cheeks. She supposed Tara was in much the same state.

"Buffy?" she reached out and touched the girl's arm. "Buffy?" The slayer's eyes blinked tiredly open.

"T-Tara?" she murmured beginning to come to. Lucinda smiled sadly.

"No. I'm afraid not." Buffy sighed leaning her head against the wall. "Have you been able to talk to her?" Buffy shook her head and wiped at her eyes.

"No she won't open the door, I don't know what to do…I could never blame her for any of this but she won't listen…I lo-" she stopped catching herself mid sentence. "I just don't know what to do." Lucinda nodded not for a second missing Buffy's slip.

"Just give her some time sweetie, she'll come around." Buffy set her head in her hands dejectedly.

"That's the thing…how much time do I even have?" her voice began to crack. "A week a month? How long? The book we read earlier wasn't exactly descriptive on what I had to do, how long I had…we don't even know if it's the same thing. What if it doesn't work…what if I can't beat this…" she began to shake. "Tara's been the only thing holding me together and now she wishes she had never come to Sunnydale?" she began to sob. "She thinks it's her fault! She thinks I blame her." She wiped at her face "But I don't! I could never. But without her I don't think I'm gonna be strong enough to face this, not on my own." Lucinda's heart went to the girl breaking before her eyes, she glanced at the door and sent her wishes forward. She could only hope Tara would follow.

"Buffy come with me." Buffy looked up at her taken back by the woman's firm tone. "There are things we need to discuss. Things you need to understand." Buffy took at last look at Tara's door not wanting to leave then back to Lucinda. "It won't take long." The older woman assured. Buffy reluctantly agreed than followed the woman towards the staircase.

When they had reached the end of the stairs, Lucinda directed them into the Study and closed a large pair of doors behind them.

"What I'm about to tell you never leaves this room do you understand me." Buffy looked at her confused. That being the last thing she had expected to hear come out of the woman's mouth. "I have never shared this with anyone." Buffy nodded than sat down not really sure what to expect. "Tara's life hasn't been an easy one…" she began sitting behind a large desk. "And despite my own feelings on the matter I have always left my door open to Caroline and Tara." She took a breath. "As you may know, Tara has come from a long line of Sorceresses and is very powerful, she was born into the power and was meant to fulfill it. Her mother on the other hand, when she had become pregnant with Tara wanted to give her daughter a chance at a normal life…away from the Coven." She sighed, and stood. "Of course she taught her daughter about Magic and the power she harnessed but allowed her daughter to choose for herself…" she began pacing "I didn't always agree with Caroline and her choices…but we have to make our own mistakes." She stopped turning away from the slayer. "As for Tara's father, on the outside he seemed nice enough he was good looking and was raising a son. I honestly think he was the one who suggested that Caroline leave the Coven but at this point we will never know for sure." Lucinda paused gathering her bearings. Caroline was like a daughter to her and thinking of her death always brought pain. But she pushed those thoughts aside, Buffy needed to know this. "At first he was a doting father but over time that changed…" Buffy frowned almost afraid to ask

"What changed?"

"He didn't approve of the magic in Caroline's blood and threatened her with it constantly, especially when he realized Tara had inherited it as well and Caroline was teaching it to her." Lucinda scowled at the remembrance. "He called it the Devil's work but-" Lucinda rubbed her temples. "I think he was just jealous of Tara…Caroline loved her so much and I think he just couldn't handle that he wasn't the center of her world anymore. On top of that her and Tara, they shared something that he could never have. Magic."

"So what happened?" Buffy asked dazed by what she was hearing. She was so drawn into what Lucinda was saying that she didn't hear the door open behind them.

"Well overtime he became hateful and even abusive more so towards Tara than anyone." Buffy gasped remembering the night she had met Tara and the state she had found her in. "He even allowed and encouraged his son to beat on her." Buffy cracked having heard enough.

"Why didn't someone do something?!" she cried. "Didn't her mother know?" Lucinda shook her head. "The police? Someone?"

"No one knew Buffy at least not at first. But when Caroline found out she threatened to leave and well to put make a long story short the day before the move he planned on finishing the job." Buffy gasped not believing what she was hearing. The fact that a father could even think about hurting his own daughter…and Tara.

"Why are you telling me this?" Buffy said tears welling in her eyes. Lucinda frowned.

"Because Buffy you need to understand!" she slammed her hand down against the table also angered by Tara having dealt with this. "When you found Tara she wasn't just being attacked by a vampire was she?" Buffy stood stock still then shook her head. "You saved her from humans didn't you?"

"Yes." she could barely find her voice as she began to realize what had really been happening that night. That was what he had meant by finishing the job…he was planning on killing her.

"How many were there Buffy? Two, three?" Buffy gasped not believing what she was hearing.

"Three." Lucinda nodded already knowing this from Caroline.

"Was she fighting back at all?" Buffy shook her head no again, the night replaying in her head in full detail, Tara had just been lying there taking it. "Well that night Buffy, I can tell you right now Tara could have handled her own…but she didn't."

"But why wouldn't she?" Buffy said anger beginning to replace her tears. "They were trying to kill her."

"Simple. She couldn't bring herself to hurt them, they had taught her to think she was worthless Buffy, led her to believe that she would never amount to anything. I think part of her was ready to die." Buffy could feel her anger rising wishing she had done more than just smacked the three men around that night. Lucinda watched as Buffy's eyes began to take on a light gold hue. Yes the Slayer bond had been broken she thought but she was still in there.

"Relax my child we have yet to reach my point." Lucinda said calmly

"And what is your point..." Buffy growled a power she had never felt swelling inside of her. "How can you expect me to relax when your telling me that she had been abused up until the night I found her and then that they were going to kill her? How am I supposed to just sit back and pretend not to hear you?!" Lucinda saw the slayer beginning to slip as she cracked the furniture with her grip on the couch.

"You will hear me or you will never understand." She got in Buffy's face. "The night you saved her you did more than just save her life! You saved her soul! You made her feel like she was worth something. For the first time in her life you made her realize she wasn't better off dead." She frowned at Buffy who just started at her blankly the anger dying down. "Can't you understand? Everything that that girl has done from that point on has been because of you. She and her mom left her house and came here, she trained and harnessed her powers to come to Sunnydale because of you. She did it for you!"

"But why…" Buffy said not believing what she was being told. Lucinda shook her head backing away from the Slayer it wasn't her place to say. But this is why she had brought them here. She glanced towards the figure that had followed them in the room.

"That is for you two to discuss. But know this. She is torturing herself over this because hurting you or causing you pain is the last thing she ever wanted to do. She is going to take this hard if it was her fault or not."

"It is not her fault!" Buffy said flatly staring into a pair of ancient brown eyes. "If it wasn't for her I would have died the other night in the cemetery and if not then, then some other time, it is inevitable. But up until recently I was the one dying inside and giving up." She shook her head. "Tara showed me things, made me see things in ways that I could never repay…" she crossed her arms. "Before she came I was miserable living from one fight to the next…something about her changed that for me…I can't explain it."

"I think you can Buffy, if you try." Lucinda said hinting at Buffy.

"I just don't understand her blaming herself, the slayer side of me was damaged to begin with, she had nothing to do with that. If anything she was the only thing keeping me going. Without her I would have given up already!"

"But she did tip the scale Buffy." Lucinda said just stating the simple fact. Buffy glared at her.

"I don't care what you or anyone else thinks. IT WAS NOT HER FAULT!!"

"Then make her believe that." She said simply.

"How?" Buffy said exasperatedly "She won't even open her door!" Lucinda just looked at her seriously than nodded to something across the room.

"Well…here's your chance." She whispered to Buffy than turned to leave. Buffy followed her gaze to find Tara standing against the door looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Lucinda approached Tara pleased that the young girl had gotten her message and agreed to follow them. The two really needed to work this out.

"Hear her out Tara…it's important that you do." With that said Lucinda exited the study closing the door behind her praying they figured things out.

The anger Buffy had been feeling instantly fled when she saw Tara leaned against the wall, tears gathering in her eyes.

"Tara…"

"I-I'm sorry." Buffy looked at Tara surprised.

"For what you haven't done anything." She paused. "And don't you even try to blame yourself for this." She approached Tara slowly. "Because I refuse to let you believe that this happened because of you." Tara shook her head.

"I-It did though Buffy!" Tara said looking away. "I know you don't want to believe that but it did. If the scales hadn't tipped this wouldn't have happened…you wouldn't be here di-" she stopped unable to say it. Buffy frowned and paused in front of her waiting for her to look her in the eye. When Tara was unable to look at her Buffy gently grabbed her cheek in the palm of her hand.

"Tara I want you to listen and listen good because I am only going to say this once." She stared into Tara's eyes pleading her to understand. "I do not blame you for this. At all do you understand? I don't regret meeting you. And I certainly don't regret you coming to Sunnydale." Tara began to protest but Buffy silenced her with her finger. "I wouldn't change finding you again for anything. Anything."

"B-Buffy how can you say that?" Tara started but was cut off again.

"Tara in the past five days you have shown me things made me feel things that I didn't think possible for me to feel anymore. You have opened my eyes to so much more than you know and if I had to do this all over again I would. Do you understand me? I do not regret this. Regret you at all." Tara stared at Buffy unable to believe what she was seeing. The depth of truth in Buffy's eyes unleashed another torrent of tears. Buffy sighed pulling Tara closer to her and relishing the comfort she felt there.

"But it's my fault…" she cried clinging to the Slayer tighter. "I-It's my fault."

"No it's not." Buffy said again running her hands through the Wicca's hair. "It isn't your fault." When Tara seemed to have calmed down Buffy slowly motioned them over to the couch. There was a lot she wanted to discuss mainly about what Lucinda had spoken with her about but there would be time for that. Right now she didn't want to push and was just glad that Tara was there with her.

"W-What are we g-going to do?" Tara said finally breaking the silence. Buffy frowned not knowing how to answer that question.

"To be honest at this point I really don't know." She sighed touching Tara's hand that instantly interlaced with her own. "But as long as you're with me I know I can beat this." Tara looked over at Buffy seriously.

"Not just you Buffy…we." Buffy smiled at her squeezing the hand she held lightly in affirmation.

"You're right. We."

Well I hope you all enjoyed this update. And thanks again to all who have reviewed. Have a good holiday weekend woot-woot.