COMMIT IT TO MEMORY!
Herro gang. Welcome to chapter twelve! It's…divisible by six! Isn't that awesome? Oh yeah, and It's a continuation chapter, which I have been fighting and fighting and fighting against, but I eventually had no choice but to make it one, because chapter eleven was long enough as it is! Not that I don't enjoy long chapters…they're good and hearty…like coffee cake…
Anyway, my life rant…I GOT A WII! I GOT A WII! AND I LOVE IT! It is my best friend! Seriously, I love it very, very, very much. I have a bunch of new games too. Like Pokemon! And Twilight Princess! And of course…FIRE EMBLEM PATH OF RADIANCE! Yes, I loves all my new games to death!
For a continuation chapter, this one was a long, uphill climb. My life has been so busy, I had a really hard time just finding enough emotional energy to sit down and write it. And it doesn't help that my attention span is like nil XD. But things have really seemed to calm down, so I have a feeling that the next chapter will be an easy update. I also have a vague plan to buy a laptop computer so that I'll have all the time in the world to type, and I don't have to fight my entire family for the computer. Oh God…that means I need to get a (DUN DUN DUN) SUMMER JOB! Les NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Also, there's more character art out on my DeviantArt, if any of you are so inclined. We have Kat up. Les yays! Ah…you'll have to forgive the terrible ink job on Kat though…I plan to redo her sometime in the future. My gallery…she is slowly growing…and I need to get a little more ambition to continue drawing them. Joku's going to be a nightmare to draw, the little maniac…
Anyway, onto the story!
Chapter Twelve
THANK YOU, COME AGAIN
"Working in a card shop is surprisingly similar to being in a war," said Sam calmly to herself, flipping through The Joy Luck Club as she sat behind the card counter with Alexis at her side. "It's a whole lot of nothing with about fifteen minutes of pure chaos slapped in between."
"And why are you telling me this?" said Alexis, as she turned to her for a moment. "Oh…I get it! You're just saying I need to relax, because whatever comes will come!"
"No, in order to apply for the 'wise older figure in the eyes of the newbies' bonus, I need to say at least one inspirational quote to motivate you every day," said Sam, turning a page. "College tuitions are up…again…"
"Um, that struck me as more metaphorical than inspirational…" said Alexis.
"…oh smeg…" said Sam, quickly putting her book face down as a hasty attempt to hold her place, as she ducked behind the counter and shuffled about in her bag. "Darn it…where's the quote book…where's the smegging quote book…"
Dingadingdingding…
"Oh! Sam, we have a customer!" said Alexis at the sound of the bells next to the door, as Sam had already unearthed a mallet, some chloroform, a can of pepper spray, and a tazer (Kat really had done things to her).
"Um, you can handle this one Alexis…" said Sam, still shuffling, this time pulling out a metal cross (really done things to her). "If you need help, just say so."
"Okay," Alexis said, as the customer walked in, who was, to her surprise, a full grown man, wearing a very snazzy looking suit. He looked to be in his late thirties, he wore a think pair of glasses, and he had slightly graying hair, not usually attributed to the other students found at this school…not to mention he didn't look out of his mind…
"Welcome to the card counter!" said Alexis, trying to sound as cheery as possible. "How can I help you today?"
"Hello! I am a doctor!" said the customer, a little louder than one would normal state that one's in the medical practice.
"That's fascinating doctor," said Alexis. "Anyway, what can I do for you?"
"I…am a doctor…" said the customer.
"That's…good…" said Alexis. "Now then, how may I-"
"A doctor I am!" said the doctor.
"Okay," said Alexis, the cheer completely drained from her voice, replaced with something that was dancing very close to rage. "So…doctor, how-"
"Being a doctor, which I'm being, I can clearly state, being a doctor, that I am in the medical practice…more commonly known as doctordom, which other doctors refer to as-"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY?" yelled Alexis at the top of her lungs.
"Alexiiiiiiiiis…" said Sam, coming up from her search. "While I agree that this is not the most fun situation to be caught in, our operation is based on one chief principle."
"Don't steal the merchandise when people are looking?" asked Alexis.
"No…well, yes, but something else," said Sam. "Oh God…I hate this…I really do…Wil, what's the moto here?"
BAM!
"IF YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS WITH CUSTOMERS, DON'T BE ANGRY AND CRASS, 'CAUSE THE FOOT OF THE BOSS WILL BE STRAIGHT UP YOUR BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!!!" sung Wil at the top of his lung, as the door that he kicked down fell in front of him, landing on the floor with a rattling crash.
"MY GOD, CAN ONE DAY GO BY WITHOUT BLATANT VANDALISM?" yelled Sam at Wil. "And I just got done teaching you how to use doorknobs!"
"…oooooooooops!" sung Wil.
"Basically, the moral of that little shpeal is that no matter how much you don't want to, you have to be nice to the customer…always…" said Sam, eye twitching involuntarily, once again facing Alexis. "Oh, but if you are going to crack, at least punch him so he goes away."
"Being a doctor, I do not care that the importance of my allegedly excellent service is being trivialized!" said the doctor. "However, despite the fact that I'm clearly a doctor, I can plainly see that this particular card counter girl is obviously not well versed in the ways of public service!"
"Well pardon me House…" said Alexis, turning darkly to him, somehow managing to force a smile on her face. "Anyway…what can I do for you…"
"Well…being a doctor-" said the doctor.
"Which I'm now positive that you are," said Alexis.
"-I…have…um…this is very…um…you se…well…eh…" said the man.
"Go on," said Alexis.
"Well…I've been having this strange dream lately…where I'm a cat…and I'm sitting in a sun spot, and it feels very nice…then someone scratches my belly…then I double over and bite them…and then I explode…"
"…okay…" said Alexis, backing away slightly.
"And lately I've been so depressed…I don't know why…" said the doctor. "Nothing really bad has happened to me lately, I just wake up feeling so sad…and I've been just going home…and no matter how sunny it is outside, I feel sad…and sometimes I watch funny movies to try to make myself laugh, but they never seem to work!"
"Um, about-" Alexis said.
"And lately I've been dressing up in bright pink tutus and singing anime theme songs and pretending I'm a-"
"OKAY! I mean…okay…okay…" said Alexis. "Um, sir, I think you may have the wrong location. This is a card game store, so I really don't think I'll be able to help you…"
Silence.
"Well, I guess I'll have to kill you all and pillage your corpses then," said the doctor in a cheery voice.
"WHAT?" cried Alexis, completely dropping formality.
"Just that," said the doctor, pulling out what looked like a bazooka cannon that was labeled 'Bazooka M.D.'. "I, a doctor, will lay waste to the store, yourselves, whatever is in a thirty yard radius of this establishment, then I, the doctor, will-"
"'If you do not hope, then you will not find what is beyond your hopes'," Sam said, reading a passage from 'Sappy Inspirational Quotes for Stooges Like You' (Wussy Girl Press). "Saint Clement of Alexandria."
Another silence.
"A weight has been lifted off my shoulders!" sung the man, with tears suddenly streaming down his eyes, as cartoonish, Disneyish music played in the background. "Oh, thank you kind people! I am eternally grateful for your kindness and generosity! I SHALL NEVER BE SAD AGAIN!"
With that, he twirled around several times on one foot, and as the music continued to sound, he quickly bound out the door. A very awkward silence filled the room.
"That…was…" said Alexis.
"You don't need to say anything," said Sam, closing the book. "Wheet-woo."
"What?" asked Alexis.
"I apply for the bonus now," said Sam.
"Oh…" Alexis said. "I meant…never mind."
"RAY WANTS ICE CREAM!!" screamed Ray at the top of his lungs.
"Ray's gonna have to deal!" screamed Sam back.
"Wow…none of this makes sense…" Alexis muttered to herself.
---ooo---
"Darn it…stupid dust line…" said Alexis to herself, now doing grunt work due to the fact that no customers were coming. This, of course, took the form of sweeping the floor. Despite the fact that due to the lack of general use there was very little filth upon it, what little filth there was soon proved itself to be incredibly crafty. "Why doesn't it every just…disappear?"
"Psssssst…" Alexis heard a voice from the other side of the room. Just from the volume of it, clearly crafted so that it was a whisper, yet somehow managing to be on the same volume of a scream, that it was Ray.
"Yes?" asked Alexis, turning around and up from her spot on the floor to see Ray, who's eyes were just barely peeking over the glass counter, which, of course, completely pointless, because it was glass, and she could see the rest of his body quite clearly behind it.
"Alexis…" Ray said, once again in the 'as-far-from-being-a-hushed-tone-as-possible-while-still-being-a-hushed-tone' tone.
"Yes Ray?" asked Alexis again.
"Over…here…" said Ray.
"Something wrong?" asked Alexis.
"Come…over…here…" Ray said again.
"Can't you just tell me?" asked Alexis
"No…come…over…here…" Ray said.
"Why?" said Alexis.
"…they'll hear us…" said Ray.
"Who?" asked Alexis.
"…the Caddy Caps…" said Ray.
There was silence for a moment.
"Ray, just spit it out," said Alexis.
"No!" hissed Ray.
"Just say it," said Alexis flatly.
"No!" Ray hissed back sharply.
"Say it," Alexis repeated.
"No!" Ray snapped.
"Ray, just say it! It's not going to kill you!" yelled Alexis.
"No, you have to come over here before I say it!" said Ray
"Fine!" Alexis said, getting off the floor, laying the broom on the ground, and slowly, deliberately, walking up to Ray, who stayed in the exact same spot, still trying to hide himself as best he could from whatever he was hiding from, assuming he was hiding from everything, and not just acting like a complete goofball.
Silence.
"Well?" Alexis said.
"Hey Alexis," said Ray, this time in a normal tone.
"What?" Alexis asked, almost coldly.
"HA HA! YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO GET RID OF IT!" said Ray in a sing-song voice.
Silence.
"Sam?" asked Alexis in a calm, even-ish voice.
"Yes?" said Sam, walking up, her tone more-or-less the same.
"Does the customer thing where you have to be nice even when you want to slap them in the face also apply to your fellow employees?" asked Alexis.
"Oh no, not at all," said Sam, smacking Ray at the back of the head, causing him to fall over. "I assume that he was the reason you-"
"Yes," said Alexis, as Ray sprang back, and, dealing proper revenge, attacked her and encased her in a bone-crunching hug, sending her falling to the floor. Unfortuantly, Sam was out of his reach, so he sprung on his next closest target.
---ooo---
Alexis now found that grunt work was completely out of the question now that she was sporting a fresh set of bruises on her ribs. Instead, she just quietly sat behind the counter, as Ray continued to manage/sulk the back room. He occasionally tried to stick his head out to see what was going on, which he often received a sharp look from Sam, who was now sweeping the floor and doing other small tasks in Alexis's place, and who's glance quickly turned to icicles whenever she heard the frantic scuffing of Ray's feet toward the door.
DINGdingadingading…
Alexis's heart nearly stopped at the sound of the bell, not ready to face another customer so soon, and wounded at that. However, for a split second, her anxiety dropped like a stone when she recognized the voice.
"Evening Chazz," Sam muttered.
"Evening Ra," Chazz snapped back coldly.
Oh, it's just Chazz, Alexis thought calmly.
Then it felt like a rabid weasel was clawing apart her insides.
"Um…hey Chazz," said Alexis awkwardly, as Chazz walked right up to her without the tinniest change of facial expression.
"'lo," he said.
Awkward silence.
"So…how are things going?" asked Alexis.
"Okay," said Chazz.
"Just okay?" said Alexis.
"Well, it's not like I won the lottery or have an army of tanks that I can roll over all countries who don't worship my image and satisfy all of my whims, no mater how sundry or generally ridiculous," said Chazz.
"…I don't quite know how to respond to that…" said Alexis.
Silence.
"Uh…" said Alexis.
Silence.
"Hey, want to have a philosophical discussion about the general mentality that's driving America's pop star women to jump in and out of rehab and-" Alexis started.
"ENOUGH OF THE WORDS!" yelled Chazz. "Okay Alexis, no more beating around the bush. You not here because you support capitalism and the general American economy, nor are you here because your seeking to build character and receive some sort of metaphysical, spiritual, or self-discovering enlightenment. You're here to complete a round of backbreaking menial labor, receive your due payment, and then leave the establishment without turning back."
"Wow Chazz," said Alexis. "I don't know what to be more impressed about, your sense of insight, or the fact that you've belted out at least ten words in excess of three syllables!"
"HOW DARE YOU INTERUPT ME?" yelled Chazz. "That being the case, I see no need in keeping up this senseless rouse. I'm not here to provide you with any sort of moral support or friendly guidance. I'm only here because I can't resist seeing woman do back-breaking labor in tiny skirts."
Dead, dead silence.
"Well, come on!" said Chazz, somehow unaffected by Alexis's lazer-targeted glare of agonizing death. "Get on your knees! Scrub the floor or something! Come on, come on, I don't have all day! Hey, don't give me that look!"
"RAY! CUSTOMER! GET HIM!" yelled Sam at the top of her lungs, pointing to Chazz.
"CUSTOMER?" cried Ray, and with his infamous lighting speed, sped away so fast that he had tackled Chazz to the ground about the same time Alexis felt a breeze ruffle through her hair. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! CUSTOMER! ARE YOU HAPPY CUSTOMER? CAN I MAKE YOU HAPPY?"
"WHAT THE # ARE YOU DOING YOU $# MORON? OH MY #U( ($ GAWD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"
"Even I don't always have the honor to use my powers for good," said Sam, as Chazz continued to scream like he was having his internal organs rearranged (which was only slightly exaggerated from what was actually happening).
"No, I probably wouldn't have handled it that much better myself," said Alexis. "Five more seconds and I'd probably try to shove his own arms down his windpipe."
"WHY ISN'T THE CUSTOMER BREATHING?" yelled Ray.
"Ray, I think that's enough," said Sam vaguely, as Ray's head popped over the counter, along with Chazz's body, which looked like something very similar to the teddy-rabbit that the author has slept with every since she was nine but really doesn't like to…oh bother…
"…am I dead…?" said Chazz in a husky whisper.
"You will be in ten seconds if you don't leave," said Sam.
---ooo---
"My God…give me a quantum physics problem to solve any day…" said Sam, holding a huge wad of papers in front of her face, occasionally rotating it at different angles, as if she were trying to decipher a language lost in the recesses of the history of mankind. "No matter how many times I try to teach him, no mater how many times I tell him to WRITE the receipts down…Alexis, come here for a second."
"Sure…what's the matter?" asked Alexis, walking over to Sam and the massive towers of paper.
"Do you have any idea what this could possibly mean?" asked Sam, pointing to the piece of paper that she was currently holding. It appeared to be a crude crayon-drawn picture featuring a stick figure princess riding a pony with a huge sword in her hand, seemingly in mortal combat with what looked like a giant robot, as UFO's flew around in the background, shooting zig-zag lasers in random directions.
"…a three year old came and bought some cards…and resorted to the barter system?" asked Alexis.
"I'm so disturbed by the fact that that's actually plausible," said Sam.
"Um…Sam…yes…" said Tigress, very timidly, walking over. "Em…I was with Wil when he was on duty…he drew that picture when someone came in…and I remember quite distinctly that the person bought five pacts of the Spellcaster set…and he paid three-forty-nine for each pack…plus tax…"
"Oh, that's Tigress," said Sam gratefully, scribbling down the information on a record's sheet that sat next to her besides the pile of random papers. "Thank goodness you have such a good memory, or this place would have shut down by now."
"WHAT THE FROG? WAS THAT A SHOT?" yelled Tigress, grabbing Sam by the collar and dragging her out of the chair to her eye level. "YOU WANT ME TO TURN YOUR FACE INTO A SALAD BOWL RA?"
"No Tigress, I'd never do that," said Sam dully, as if she had been yanked out of her chair and yelled at by Tigress with no real provocation on several occasions before…which she had.
"Oh…of…course…" said Tigress, her tone dropping. "How silly of me…I'm sorry…"
Coming disastrously close to tears, she dropped Sam like a stone, and ran away from the two of them as fast as she could while still keeping a dignified stride, back to the room where Wil was.
"Those two…I feel like I'm throwing sponges at a brick wall…they really do try…" said Sam miserably. "So hard…"
"Yeah…well, they're really…interesting though…" said Alexis, trying her best to take an optimistic tone. She sighed as her words were met with silence. "I guess your right…but still, you work so hard Sam. And they both look up to you a lot. I bet they'll just push themselves harder and harder to be as good as you are."
"…your right…" said Sam. "They're at least trying…unlike me, who just runs away from problems. I suppose it's only natural those problems find their way back to me…some role model I am."
"I…don't quite follow you…" said Alexis, but her peripheral vision caught something heading toward the door, which appeared to be another student. "Oh lemonheads. Customer alert."
"Does it appear to be stupid?" asked Sam.
WHAM!
The customer walked right into the glass door, and as it opened on it's hinges, he fell down it with a very long squeak, until he landed face down and motionless on the floor.
"Yes," Alexis said.
"I'll get him," said Sam with a groaning sigh, getting out of her chair and heading toward the door.
"No, it's okay, I'll get it," said Alexis, quickly, getting to a place next to the counter, waiting for the allegedly stupid customer to get off the ground and walk up to it.
Nothing happened.
"Um…" Alexis said.
Silence.
"You're not…dead, are you?" asked Alexis to the person on the ground.
"OH MY GOD THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE BACK!!!!" screamed the person on the floor at the top of his lungs. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Calm down sir, calm down!" said Alexis. "Are you alright?"
"Uh…where am I?" asked the guy on the floor, looking in every direction.
"You're at the on campus card shop," said Alexis.
"The what?" asked the person.
"The on campus card shop…you know? Where you buy cards?" asked Alexis.
"Oh…the 'Card Shop'…riiiiiiiiight…" said the guy getting off the ground and scampering over to the card counter.
"Okay…then," said Alexis a little awkwardly, but still managing to hold a smile. "So how can I-"
"The royal with cheese blows soap bubbles at glockenspiel!" whispered the man to Alexis.
"…uh…" Alexis said.
"So is it a yes or a no?" asked the guy.
"Yes or no what?" asked Alexis.
"Don't play hard to get!" said the man. "I know you have the hots for me!"
Silence.
"I'm really starting to hate this uniform," said Alexis.
"So where am I again?" asked the guy.
"The card shop," said Alexis flatly.
"Who said that?" asked the man.
"I did!" said Alexis.
"Oh, hey, when did you get here?" he said, turning to her.
"…just now," said Alexis. "Now how can I help you?"
"WHOA! DOWN GIRL!" said the man. "I know you can't resist my godlike figure but-"
"CAN I HELP YOU BUY SOMETHING….yes or no…" said Alexis, trying to stop herself from yelling at the customer.
"Whoa, SOMEONE'S a little out of it," said the guy, as Alexis's fingernails were borderline penetrating the skin on her palms. "Right then…I'll have a number five, hold the mayo-"
"This is a CARD shop sir," said Alexis.
"DON'T INTERUPT ME!" said the man. "Right…and I'll…take 'Florida Keys' for two hundred."
"Okay…my turn to talk," said Alexis. "This a card shop. We sell cards. You can buy cards here. That's it. You can't buy food, you can't buy water, you can't buy vowels, you can't by trains, cats, stationary paper, snow, or Boardwalk. You can just buy cards, that's it. Now what pack of cards do you want?"
"Love, money, and power," said the man.
"That was NOT the question I asked," said Alexis. "What…cards…do…you…want?"
"…phone a friend?" he asked.
"I give up," said Alexis. "Just give me your money, take the cards, and leave."
---ooo---
"Huh…that worked surprisingly well…" said Alexis, who was counting a handful of dollar bills.
"Brilliant…it's so simple it's brilliant…" said Sam. "Why didn't I think of it before? I could have avoided all those ignorant fools for months now."
"Don't you hate when that happens?" said Alexis.
DINGdingadinga…
"Hello Alexis," said Zane plainly, walking through the door
"Oh thank God, a sane person!" said Alexis in an overjoyed tone. "This must be what it feels like after you have a kidney stone removed…"
Silence.
"Um…" said Zane.
"You aren't here to look at me in this disgusting uniform, are you?" asked Alexis.
"So Chazz was here," said Zane.
"HEY SAM!" yelled Ray at the top of his lungs from the back room. "THE BOOKSHELF BURST INTO FLAMES WHEN I DOUSED IT IN LIGHTER FLUID AND STUCK A FLAMEFLOWER IN ITS GENERAL DIRRECTION AGAIN!"
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF THE-" yelled Sam at the top of her lungs, as she ripped open the door to the back room, as a small cloud of black air flew out from it, as the muffled sounds of her screaming the rest of the sentence (thank God) and Wil singing something that sounded like a children's song.
"Did I catch you at a bad time?" asked Zane, as the high-pitched fire alarm went off in the background and the sprinkler system dumped its load on both of them.
"No…really, compared to everything else that's happened…" said Alexis. "So then…what brings you here?"
"Just making sure everything was okay," said Zane. "I've just heard some…unpleasant rumors floating around about the general staff in this facility…like this terrible one about how a demi-devil of ultimate demise resides here inflicting physical and emotional damage to all who enters it's domain…Chazz also commented that he's seven foot eleven, spews fire from his mouth, and has a gang of other equally brutish villains…and he insisted that he didn't get beat up by a girly kid who's five inches shorter than him."
"…well…" said Alexis.
"And that really weird rumor that kids get jobs here just because they have difficulties in the family," said Zane.
"What?" said Alexis.
"It appears that some students enrolled here are actually quite talented, but are often unable to pay their tuition because of issues with their parents," said Zane. "I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact this entire high school revolves around a marketable card game…regardless, with that in mind, students who have such problems are often given this position to help pay for their room and board."
"Well that can't be right!" said Alexis. "There's nothing wrong with my family. Granted, some of the employees have about as many issues as Newsweek, but it's probably just a rumor."
"But what about your brother?" asked Zane.
"…oh…" said Alexis.
"Sorry," said Zane.
"No it's just…huh…" said Alexis. "Strange, now I see this whole operation in a new light…"
"So why would the let Sam in?" asked Zane. "She doesn't strike me as someone who'd have family problems."
"Well…she said something really weird earlier," said Alexis. "Something about running away from her problems."
Suddenly, they heard a cell phone ring tone that sounded suspiciously like 'Candygirl'. For a moment, there was absolute silence. Then, slowly and guiltily, Zane reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open.
"Unless you're God, hang up now," he said into the mouth piece.
"Seven Days…" Kat said into the phone.
CLICKboooooooooooooooop…
There was silence. Then, Zane slowly shut his cell phone.
"I'd consider Kat a problem," said Zane.
"A very good point," said Alexis
KER-SMASH!
Alexis found herself growing slowly more accustomed to the sound of glass shattering, because she hardly flinched as the door was completely smashed in (again) while Zane nearly jumped out of his skin.
"I DEMAND EXCELENT SERVICE, AND IF IT IS NOT GIVEN TO ME, I WILL SURELY COMPLAIN TO YOUR SUPERIORS IN A LOUD VOICE AND THEN RIP ONE OF YOUR HEADS OFF!"
"Bah…" said Alexis.
"Another one of those days I see," said Zane. "Should I leave?"
Before Alexis could even send the tiniest hint of an electric signal from her brain across her nervous system to respond, a huge hand grabbed Zane by the back of the shirt, and with one easy swing, threw him like a Frisbee.
CRASH!
"Well…I find that this particular course of action is relatively unprovoked…that makes me feel a bit cross…"said Zane, as bits of paper gently floated to the ground after his impact into the card display case.
"Zane!" Alexis said. "Are you okay?"
"In what aspects?" Zane asked.
"LISTEN UP NAMELESS EMPLOYEE!" yelled the surly ball of anger. With Zane out of his way, his full form was revealed, and it revealed itself to be your typical punk, a fortress of sinew, a voice two octaves lower than normal in a snarling fury, a face that was pinched together so it looked like he had a very sharp object wedged in a very uncomfortable place, black leather jacket, torn jean, black bandana, and he possessed a pituitary gland that was a diligent worker as well as an overachiever. "I EXPECT PRISTINE SERVICE, AND IF I DO NOT RECEIVE IT, THEN YOU'LL FACE A VIOLENTLY EXAGERRATED PUNISHMENT THAT'S RIDDLED WITH MIND-NUMBING PAIN!"
"Okay," said Alexis.
"STRIKE ONE!" yelled the angry youth.
"But I didn't even-"
"STRIKE TWO!"
Alexis clamped her jaw shut, working under the assumption that strike three meant she was out…in more ways than one. Her brain was working at lighting speed, not even sure that just standing there could count as a strike. In a desperate grab at anything that could buy her enough time to think of a formal plan, she referred to the first course of action that jumped into her mind.
"RAY! CUSTOMER!" she yelled, at a little higher pitch, as well as a little higher volume, than originally intended.
"CUSTOMER?" cried Ray eagerly, as the oh-too-familiar sound of the door being broken off what little leverage it had to attach itself to the door and crashing to the floor filled the room. "RAY WANTS TO SEE THE CUSTOMER! RAY WANTS TO-"
However, the second he laid eyes upon just who the customer was, his mouth opened wide, and what came out was the most hideous shriek Alexis had heard in all her living days. It seemed to echo through every fiber of Ray's being, as if he was staring upon the very object of his inevitable, long, slow, and painful death. His shriek caused Alexis's hair to stand on end, her stomach to knot, her throat to go dry, her skin to go clammy, and almost every other unpleasant sensation the human body could fell.
She was pretty sure this was going to end up as strike three. And while instinct was telling her to flee in the melee, the shrike was telling her that she'd have to merciless to leave Ray to face whatever would provoke it.
"Ray, calm down!" Alexis said. "Ray…Ray come on…RAY! Ray, you-"
"DOMINIQUE-BUDDY!" yelled Ray in a high-pitched squeal, opening his arms wide with joy, as if he had found his long lost brother.
"RAY-BUDDY!" screamed the punk, who's name seemed to be Dominique, who looked just as overjoyed to see him. "I didn't know you worked here!"
"I've worked here for elevenidy bajillion years!" said Ray.
"Sweet!" screamed the punk. "Hugs!"
"HUGS!"
With that, the two gave each other a 'Best-Friends-Forever' hug over the glass table, and Alexis was practically gapping, positive that her brain had just snapped in two.
"Okay, how come Ray get's a character shield when it comes to these kinds of things, and Zane and I don't?" asked Alexis.
"Because everyone loves Ray-" Ray started.
Suddenly, a humongous wave of terror shot through all parties in that room, namely through Ray and Dominique, who looked like they were consumed in an otherworldly sensation of pain. It was if suddenly a pulse of dark energy had exploded right in front of the two, and Alexis's formed trembled in the wake of it, her atoms shaking in a dizzying, almost paralytic fear. Then, slowly, it subsided, and for a moment, everyone seemed to be frozen in their place. Then, slowly, the two both collapsed to the floor with a sickening thud, revealing behind them a triumphant, yet slightly evil-looking Zane.
"…what the heck was that?" Alexis asked weakly.
"Deathglare," said Zane, as the two parties lay twitching on the floor. "Under certain conditions, I can defeat my enemies by doing no more thank looking at them. It can even burn through character shields. It's my mastery ski-"
"No Zane!" cried Alexis. "This isn't Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged! You can't just make obscure game references willy-nilly! Do you WANT us to get flamed?"
"Oh…beg your pardon…" said Zane.
"Wow…it took two whole fire extinguishers, but the fires out…" said Sam. "That means I have to go to the store and pick up-whoa, what the heck happened in here?"
"Uh…it's a bit of a long story…" said Alexis, in front of a destroyed door, a destroyed room, and two geeks lying twitching on the floor.
"It ALWAYS is…" Sam said in a dark whisper.
---ooo---
"Well, it's almost time to close shop," said Sam with a sigh. "Good work today Alexis."
"Thanks…" said Alexis. "Hey uh…Sam, are you sure your okay with me leaving?"
"You've got enough money right?" said Sam. "If you're done, then you're done. No sense hanging around."
"But I can't help but have the creepiest feeling that the second I leave this place the entire stores going to collapse behind me in a pillar of flames and explosions," said Alexis. "…maybe that came out the wrong way."
"Well, it somehow managed to keep itself from bursting into flame before you came, so I think we can handle it for another time around," said Sam. "Don't worry, everything will be fine. If you ever feel like coming back to work, just ask."
"Thank you!" said Alexis. "I'll make sure to visit you when I have a chance."
"I'm sure Ray would love that," said Sam.
"HEY SAM!" screamed Ray, kicking the door open, but surprisingly not breaking it this time. "I GOT ALL THE STUFF WE NEED FOR ALEXIS'S SURPRISE FAREWELL PARTY THING! THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY 'GOOD LUCK' BANNERS, SO I GOT ONE THAT SAYS 'IT'S A BOY'. HOPE THAT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU! OH YEAH, AND I FED THE CAKE TO THE PIDGEONS! KAY THANKS LOVE YA BYE!"
With that, he proudly hoped over the glass counter and sauntered to the back room, whistling a happy tune.
"…I don't even know why I let him outside anymore…" said Sam.
"Thank you?" Alexis said. "By the way, I haven't seen Tigress in awhile. Is she okay?"
"No, she's fine," said Sam. "She usually handles all of our red tape issues. She's…a little uneasy around people, as you might have guessed. That's why you hardly ever see her. She does all the stuff behind the scenes."
"LIKE A NINJA!" said Ray in a happy go lucky voice, poking his head out from behind storage.
"Did I even ask you?" asked Sam.
"Wait, I thought RAY handled all the stuff behind the scenes!" said Alexis.
"Well, he does," said Sam. "It's…well, surprisingly, a lot of red tape goes into this kind of job, ordering, accepting orders, sales coordination, public relations…release forms…it's defiantly not a one person kind of a-"
"You're giving them the illusion that they're actually doing something helpful when you're actually doing pretty much all the work," said Alexis.
"…no comment," said Sam.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" asked Alexis.
"DON'T MIND ME!" said a voice that suddenly snapped Alexis and Sam into attention, which belonged to a man wearing a huge trench coat with a neck so high that it covered his face, as well as a giant hat that covered his head's top so that not a single bit of his skin was revealed. "I AM CERTAINLY NOT PLANNING HOW ME AND MY CADRE CAN INFILTRATE THIS ESTABLISHMENT AND USE IT FOR OUR OWN PURPOSES! NO NO! HA HA HA HA…HA…"
"…Oh God…it happens every Friday…" Sam sad dully.
"What happens every Friday?" Alexis asked.
"They come," said Alexis. "The most annoying people on the face of the planet…okay, the whiniest, but it's the same thing."
"THOUGH IF BY SOME CHANCE I WAS SOME SORT OF ENVOY FOR AN ORGANIZATION, THEN YOU WOULD MOST CERTAINLY NOT SIGN OVER COMPLETE OWNERSHIP OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT AS WELL AS CONDEMN YOURSELVES TO DEATH IF YOU SIGN THIS PAPER!" said the mysterious figure, holding out and official looking document. "So…YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIGN IT!"
"For the love of God, go away!" yelled Sam. "That's never going to work, it has never worked before, and it's not working now!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TAL-"
"Idiot," Sam hissed.
"Hey! That was uncalled for!" said the imposter. "That's it, you're going down! IN THE NAME OF…okay let's just all appear out of nowhere."
BAM!
"SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME SOCIETY OF UNNATRACTIVE ANIME AND GAME CHARACTERS…UNITE!" screamed the mysterious figure, ripping off his clothes. "ROLE CALL! Ansem from Kingdom Hearts!"
"Well I'm a bad guy, of course I'm ugly," said Ansem, popping up out of nowhere.
"Franky from One Piece!" said the imposter.
"SUPER!" screamed Franky.
"And I am a random, typical shonen anime character with huge spiky hair of an unnatural color…BUT MY DUB NAME IS BOBBY!" screamed Bobby, who's hair turned a bright shade of orange the instant he finished. "Oh, and the entire cast of Final Fantasy Nine are also in this group…but all of them are ashamed to show their faces. So they gave us this kitty to fight in their steed."
He pointed to a little orange and white kitty on the ground, who was currently staring at Alexis and Sam with huge, adorable eyes, and overall looking very non-threatening. After being introduced, he promptly dropped to the ground and rolled around adorably.
"…I'm really getting sick of this chapter," said Alexis.
"AND NOW," Bobby said dramatically. "In the name of all our oppressed masses…every Anime and Game character who has less fans simply for not being smexy…THIS IS OUR REVENGE! WE WILL OVERTAKE YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE CARD SHOP AND-"
"Look, why do you want to conquer this card shop anyway?" asked Alexis.
"Because it's a sparkling utopia of good deals and overall healthy commerce!" said Bobby.
"No it's not, we're just barely staying in the black," said Sam.
"Well…it's in a location that's ideal for-" Bobby said.
"It's located in the trashiest alley on the island!" said Sam.
"Well…it's well stocked in provisions of which we can-" Bobby said.
"It's a CARD SHOP!" yelled Sam. "It's quite possibly the most useless facility on campus! If you want to take over something beneficial that the general populous uses, take over the bathrooms!"
"SILENCE!" roared Bobby. "ENOUGH OF YOUR INSOLENCE! You shall pay most dearly for being hot!"
"What are we going to do now Sam?" Alexis asked.
"Wait for it," Sam said.
"Um…excuse me…" said Tigress, slowly staggering out from storage toward the area behind the counter. "I heard lots of-g-goodness! W-what's going on out here?"
"AH-HA! ANOTHER HOT ANIME CHARACTER!" yelled Bobby.
"She's an OC…does she count?" asked Ansem.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Bobby. "HOT CHARACTER, PREPARE YOURSELF…FOR DEATH!!!"
"LOOK, A FLYING APPRICOT!" yelled Tigress eagerly, as all three members of the group turned around excitedly, and Alexis's head collapsed into her hand. "AND NOW…SHALOMEH NIBAKA KITASURA KAI NYAAAAAAAAI!"
And as a really bad and cutsie j-pop song played in the background, the magical girl transformation scene began! And as it commenced, a pink backdrop with purple clouds and lots of hearts appeared out of nowhere, and the shinny-body-thing, and of course, Tigress's hair grew a solid foot, and with a burst of silver stars and hearts, she was now in a bright purple top with a short, billowy pleated blue skirt, long white gloves, tall purple boots, a huge blue bow in her hair that seemed to come out of nowhere, and a magical staff that also appeared out of nowhere, which looked like a cross between a mop and an electric blender.
"Evil doers of not-nice things!" yelled Tigress heroically. "Tremble in fear! Your bring cruelty and badness upon this beloved card counter, and now I, Magical Warrior Princess Ai, in the name of loyalty, friendship, love, hope, purity, and good hygiene, will punish you!"
"OHMYGODMAGICALGIRLWE'RESODEAD!" yelled Ansem in terror.
"Hey come on, she's just a girl in a foo-foo skirt!" said Bobby. "Just because she gets a transformation scene and we don't doesn't mean anything! Get ready for a butt whoopin' girly!"
"Nothing can whoop the power of goodness and justice!" said Tigress, now Ai, enthusiastically. "I will punish you here and now! MAGICAL GIRL STUN GUN!"
"Magical Girl Stun Gun?" asked Alexis in disbelief, to only have her queries answered by the sound of an evil cackle and several pulses of electricity shoot around the end of the wand.
"Well, you can't fight the forces of evil with just hearts and stars," said Sam.
"Yeah, well you're a wuss," said Bobby flatly.
Silence.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Magical Girl Ai, as she quickly turned away and ran into the backroom, sobbing at the top of her lungs, her face dripping with tears.
"Ah…magical girls aren't really that much of a defense are they?" asked Alexis.
"No. No they aren't," said Sam, quickly turning her attention to the others, who began their advance at the desk. "Hey, whoa whoa whoa! Don't think we don't have any defense at all! Come any closer and I'll sick Wil on you!"
"HEY SAM!" yelled Wil, as he stuck his head through the window from the outside in. "I've decided that my call in live is to cultivate life on Mars! So I've decided to join the super-special-secret research facility on Mars and totally help out and stuff! And by help out I mean push a lot of shiney buttons! KaythanksluvyabyeTELEPORTTIME!"
With that, he pulled up a tiny little remote, slammed his fist into the red button, and sent himself flying to heaven-knows-where.
"Speaking of people who are COMPLETELY USELESS!" yelled Sam.
"ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK…okay?" said Bobby, and with that, the other horrid characters charged at the desk full speed. Alexis thought for a moment that this moment would surely be her doom. Never had she seen such enraged, ugly people charging at her simultaneously. Of all the ways to go, she was sure that this was the one of the worst.
And then she realized that a) what the heck was she thinking, these are just a bunch of pathetic people who just happened to come together and form a group of pathetic people b) this was a humor fic and c) the person writing this fic is completely insane.
And soooooooooooooooooooo-
POOOOOOOOOOF!
Out of nowhere, there was a sudden burst of very intimidating violet clouds of super awesome dues-ex-machina, and as these clouds rolled across the floor as free as water, a silent, lone figure slowly materialized, starting as nothing but a black shadow, but slowly, oh so slowly gained depth. And then, three words echoed through the clouds. Three words that can send shivers down the spines of the most crime-hardened man, and the most brutal, bloodthirsty savage.
"Hi. I'm Joku."
"OH MY GAWD!" yelled Bobby in terror. "It's…it's…THE DREADED SACRED GUARDIAN OF ALL THAT IS ANIME! IT HAS SENSED THAT WE ARE TRYING TO UNDO THE LAWS OF NATURE FOR OUR OWN SELFISH PURPOSES, AND IT HAS COME TO RENDER JUDGEMENT ON OUR SOULS!"
"When I was seven, I traded my gumball for my best friend's sister," said Joku.
"WE'RE DOOMED OH NOEZ!" yelled Ansem. "Please forgive us, oh great guardian of this domain! We only wanted more from life than your other subjects have given us! Surely we have value in your eyes as well, oh king of spirits."
"I wanted a trade back," said Joku.
"Oh for God's sake!" said Sam angrily. "I give up! Nothing in this chapter makes sense anymore! All of you, get out of here! Go, go away! Get out of here or I'll call the campus police on you!"
"HA! NEVER LITTLE GIRL!" yelled Bobby. "The great Guardian of All Anime has spared us fatal judgment, and you are little more than-"
"Poofo," said Joku dully, pointing at the three. Without a burst of smoke, a bang, a light, or any sort of indication of magic, the three turned into a lamp, Volkswagen, and a Wacom Graphire4 6X8 USB tablet.
And once again, an awkward silence reigned in the room.
"And that's how the cookie pays its taxes," said Joku, saluting, and then, once again with no indication of any magic whatsoever, disappeared.
Silence.
"That's going out with a bang I guess," said Alexis dully.
"Yeah, if you never even want to see this place again, I honestly won't blame you," said Sam.
TWO WEEKS LATER
Dear Alexis,
Thank you so much for the wonderful Two-Season Disc of 'The Venture Brothers'! It was very thoughtful, and we can tell that you put a lot of hard work into earning the money to get it for us. We didn't expect anything from you, which only makes it more special and sentimental, and the thought alone is enough to keep us content for several more years.
But we just bought another copy of the darn thing a month ago. Do you have the receipt?
Luvz,
Mummy
"It…bloody…figures…" said Alexis darkly, reading the thank you card that she had gotten in the mail this morning, raising her hand slowly and angrily. "Doctor Crowler, may I please borrow your-"
"Go ahead," said Dr. Crowler, as Alexis walked straight down the isle to the teacher's desk in the center, held the card over the incineration machine, and absentmindedly dropped it in, taking great pleasure and satisfaction in watching it's ends incinerate as it curled into ashes.
---ooo---
Alexis: Sorry again for the slow update. We absolutely promise the next one will be posted much sooner!
Chazz: I personally say we quit while we're ahead.
Zane: And I personally say shut up.
Chazz: I mean we didn't even show up in this chapter! No wonder the humor level is as low as Jaden Yuki's GPA!
Zane: Well get used to it. Next chapter's my chapter.
Chazz: WHAT?!
Alexis: He's next in line for the whole monthly chapter thing!
Chazz: WHY? Did he cure cancer? Did he save any lives? Did he write the great American Novel?
Alexis: Did YOU?
Chazz: What, and do work?
Alexis:…
Zane: You realize that none of this has anything to do with previewing the next chapter right?
Alexis: Zane get's in trouble big time next chapter.
Zane:…and now it does.
Chazz: NEXTTIMEIS'LAWSOFTHELAWLESS'!
Alexis: Whoa, easy iron lung.
Chazz: HA! I GOT TO SAY THE CHAPTER TITLE!
Zane: Why do you want to say it so badly anyway?
Chazz: Your feeble mind couldn't begin to comprehend my motives!
Zane: Oh…sorry, I forgot.