Hello America, do you wanna play a game?
Hey everyone, back again! Yup, here's Kaiser's chapter…it seems that there are a lot of Zane fangirls in the audience, so I bet the chapter is pretty anticipated. I hope I don't disappoint! (bites nails) What's worse is, once again, I'm going at this with no solid clue of what the heck I'm doing. Both Alexis and Chazz's chapters were pretty clear cut out on what was going to happen even wise-for Zane's, I'm just kinda wingin' it. Eh heh…but at the same time, that's okay, because holes in the skeletal structure of your story invite strange and funny twists in plot, if you know what I mean. And boy does it twist…
Anyway, what's new in my life? Eh…not much. Except that the temperatures are starting to go up, and that both excites me and frightens me. It excites me because summers coming, heck yay-ya! But with summer comes warm temperatures, and yugh, I HATE warm temperatures! I have a very low heat tolerance, and my parents think I'm crazy that I would prefer being hammered by a snowstorm than having to stand an eighty degree day with humidity XD.
Oh yes, a minor note. Remember awhile ago when I said that I watched an episode of 'Petite Princess Yucie' and couldn't stand it? To all the people who said 'well, I actually kind of liked it', I gave it a try…and it wasn't as horrible as I originally thought. Granted, it's not my favorite Anime ever, but it's not God-awful. So you were right and I was wrong XD.
Onto the actual story rant. I'm not sure who, but someone requested the return of the stupid jerks from chapter…three was it? Anyway, the request has been processed, and, despite how many people threatening to sue if they ever see them again, they have returned! Hide your brain cells! And your vocabulary!
Another thing, I notice that I've recently had a lot of 'shippers' stop by and read my story. A lot of them pointed out that there were a lot of AlexisXZane undertones, and there was some AlexisXChazz bits to. To which I say…goodness, am I subconsciously turning this into a girl's version of a harem story? XD Well, I suppose in some aspects I can see where their coming from-I think close friendship is very important in any sort of relationship, and close friendship between character is really something I struggle for in this story.
Oddly, despite me generally seeing myself as a decent kid, I actually have been to detention more than once. It was mostly in Middle School, and that was when I had no clue how to work the schedules and frequently ended up late. My reactions were very similar to Zane's-feelings of intense guilt of being in the situation in the first place, and…wondering if I'd even make it out of the room alive. While I never accidentally landed a whole honkin' week of detention, for some reason, detention itself was one of the few blurry memories I have left of middle school…I guess I was so traumatized that I remembered…hardly anything else. Yes, I had a very unhappy middle-school career XD.
And no, I will never understand the 'u VS no u' debate. And the Card Saftey Professor's dialog is incredibly hard to type; my spell-check wanted to correct it by itself, and more than once I've had to go back and retype a word because I wanted it spelt incorrectly.
Right, so…here's the chapter!
Chapter Thirteen
THE LAWS OF THE LAWLESS
NOVEMBER 11
8:12:46 PST
DUEL ACADAMY-CARD SAFETY ROOM
"…and so…Mr. President…that is why…I believe…you need to…quit with…this foolish…democracy…thing…and…appoint…someone…supreme dictator…of…Am-er-i-ca…preferably…me…" said Chazz to himself, scribbling all he said down on paper. "There! Now the President most certainly has to answer my request! I even wrote it on the GOOD stationary!"
"Chazz, the government isn't going to break down their system which has been in place for over two hundred years just because you send them a letter with your address in the upper right-hand corner," said Alexis.
"You can do anything you put your mind to!" said Chazz defiantly.
"Yeah, but then there's the whole block of getting other people to do what you put your mind too," said Alexis. "Besides, why would it even strike you that the President would even answer your request in the first place on any accounts? I admire self confidence, but God Chazz, how arrogant can you possibly get?"
"My logic is flawless; questioning it is the highest attribute of stupidity," said Chazz.
"Uh…huh…" said Alexis dully.
"ALRIGHT LADDIES AND LASSIES!" yelled the Professor of Card Safety, walking in the room carrying a bear trap over one shoulder and a dead fox over the other. "Taday we're noot gonna feol aroond with aell this textbook noonsense…TADAE YER GONNA LEARN 'OW TAE USE A BADGER TRAP!"
"Oh dear God…" said Alexis. "Why can't this class just be an extra-curricular…hey Chazz, where's Zane?"
"Who cares?" said Chazz.
"You don't know?" asked Alexis.
"Nope," said Chazz.
"Did you see him at breakfast this morning?" asked Alexis.
"Why would I?" asked Chazz.
"Don't you, like, sit with him at breakfast or anything like that?" asked Alexis.
"Heck no!" yelled Chazz angrily. "I only even CONSIDER anyone sitting next to me unless they are of my intellectual capacity!"
"So…no one basically?" asked Alexis.
"Exactly!" said Chazz matter-of-factly.
"This little conversation provides greater commentary about your character than you realize," said Alexis. "Huh…I wonder where he is…"
AT THE END OF CLASS
"Huh…correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that the best way to survive a snowstorm is to find some sort of large animal, kill it, gut it, and crawl into it's skin," said Alexis.
"Makes sense to me!" said Chazz.
"That you'd have the necessary tools to kill and gut an animal on a day-to-day basis?" asked Alexis.
"That all animals are meant to die for my pleasure," said Chazz.
"…Chazz, your mouth should be declared a felony," said Alexis. "Hey…wait, I thought the professor said we were handling badger traps today! How did it turn to less mainstream survival lessons?"
"He probably forgot that everyone actually cares about animal traps," said Chazz.
"Chazz, you're breaking the system," said Alexis. "You're the one who has to say something rude, arrogant, and/or stupid and I'm the one who's supposed to mock you for it."
"Hello…" said Zane, rushing into the room, clearly out of breath, as if he had just run a great distance. "Ah…sorry I'm…oh God, class is over isn't it?"
"What took you so long?" asked Alexis. "And…why are you out of breath?"
"Oh…I really don't want to talk about it," said Zane.
"Why, what happen?" asked Alexis. "Oh God! The fangirls finally mobbed didn't they?"
"No, no, nothing like that," said Zane. "Well, not a whole mob of them per se…it's really weird. I actually got stuck in the middle of this argument between two of them…"
---ooo---
"WELL I SAY THAT IT LOOKS COMPLETELY STUPID IF YOU SPELL HIS JAPANESE NAME WITH A 'U'!!" yelled one fangirl angrily to another one, as Zane just kind of stood in the middle, towering over them both. However, this did not stop their rage, despite the fact that Zane was so tall that their view was obscured of each other.
"IT ROMANIZED JAPANESE, MEANING THAT THERE ARE DOZENS OF WAYS THAT IT CAN BE SPELT!" yelled another. "There's no definite system, so there's nothing pure about it being spelt without the 'u'. In fact, you can argue that you're trying to Americanize it!"
"But common English pronunciation would make it sound like Ree-you instead of Ree-yo!" said the first.
"WELL ANIME IS NOT AMERICAN, SO THERE!" yelled the second, turning to Zane. "What's your opinion on this?"
"Well-" Zane started.
"It doesn't have anything to do with being American OR Japanese! It just sounds stupid!!" yelled the first fangirl.
"No it does not!" said the second.
"Yes, why should I have a say in this?" said Zane. "I mean it's only my name…"
---ooo---
"And they wouldn't let me leave," said Zane.
"Ow, that's obsessive," said Alexis.
"Tell me about it," said Zane.
"TRUESDALE!" yelled the teacher. "HOW DARE YEH SKIP MAE CLASS YEH VILNAEOUS ROOGUE? WHAT INSOLENCE!"
"Sorry…" said Zane. "You see, I was-"
"BRAWN LIES!" yelled the teacher, chucking the dead raccoon at Zane, hitting him right on the face before dropping like a stone. "FER YER DISSOBEDIANCE, I SENTENCE YOU TO A WEEK OF DETENTION!"
"I didn't-" Zane started.
"REJECTED!" said the Professor, as Zane just barely managed to dodge the badger trap that was thrown at him at a very high speed. However, despite the fact that he managed to get out the way and avoid a collision that would surely leave a mark, the trap crashed through the window and spiraled downward out of sight.
"MY ARM!" screamed the voice of a random bystander outside.
"Wow, the janitorial staff must fight tooth and claw to get this kind of a job," said Alexis.
"Can ah have fifty pounds tae mend the shed…ah mean, the window?" asked the Professor.
"Wow, we're kind of launching into the storyline pretty fast, aren't we?" asked Zane. "I mean, don't we usually about two thousand word's worth of witty back-and-forth dialect before jumping into the main plot of the chapter?"
"Look Zane, do you WANT these chapters to be ten thousand words long a pop?" asked Alexis.
"Oh…right…" said Zane.
---ooo---
NOVEMBER 11
3:07:18 PST
DUEL ACADEMY-DETENTION ROOM
"ATTENTION DUELISTS!" yelled the detention instructor, a full figured woman who stood at six foot thre…either that, or she just had a powerful bearing about her. "I am Mrs. Ratched, the master of the Detention Room. I don't care how much 'street cred' you have in your silly psedo-ghettos. At heart, all of you are little more than a bunch of sissies. I've found tougher people than you in the Girl Scout reject pile."
"Because you were in the boy scout reject pile?" asked one particularly greasy youth. However, he soon rejected his particularly witty choice of words, because with one hand, with barely any trace of a heave, Mrs. Ratched ripped up the teachers desk, even though it was laden with not-light-at-all textbooks, papers, pens, and several other sundry items. Without a pant or a grunt, she hurled it easily at him, sending the youth, the desk, and several rather heavy things skidding backwards ten feet, crashing into other desks and students as well, before halting with a loud bang and several sickening crunches and flops at the back wall.
"Shot put. Olympic gold. '72 in Munich, '76 in Montreal," said Mrs. Ratched flatly. "Right then. You know the drill. Take your seats-you speak, you die horribly."
"I object!" said Zane, as Mrs. Ratched grabbed the side of the chalkboard, and Zane heard the beginning of a sickening sort of moan as it was being ripped off the wall. "No! Hear me out! Hear me out!"
"You got thirty seconds before I turn your body fluids into the substance that glues this chalkboard back to the wall," said Mrs. Ratched.
"I was brought to this detention unfairly and unlawfully without evidence to my guilt," said Zane. "I demand a trial with a jury consisting of my peers and a lawyer provided to me by the state."
"Listen Bobby Donnell, this is a high school, therefore all forms of democracy are null and void," said Mrs. Ratchet. "Oh look, you surpassed your thirty-second limit."
---ooo---
"Well, I find myself very grateful that she decided to just give me a verbal warning instead of liquefying my skeletal structure," said Zane, sitting at a relatively unscathed desk.
Surprisingly, once everything calmed down, Zane found the room to be pleasantly quiet. Mrs. Evil Detention Lady just kicked back reading Wind Through My IV (a touching and romantic tale about a man who gets in a car accident and lost consciousness and must recover in a hospital, nursed back to health by a woman who claims to be his girlfriend. However, she is romantically pursued by his evil twin/stepfather, and he must resist the temptation of Nurse Nancy, who is actually a man who dresses in nurses clothing as part of a new reality show, but is then later revealed to actually be a penguin who underwent a species change surgery, all before he dies of a case of bad luck for being sucked into a terrible plotline), everyone just talked quietly and did work. Strange…Zane had heard so many evil stories associated with detention…of children with pituitary glands more hyperactive than a House MD subplot generator…of people who went there and came back saying words like 'uber', 'fo shizzle', and 'OMG L33T FTW!!!1!!!SHIFT!!'…of people who simply never came back at all…
But as he sat in the tranquility…as he slowly began to accept the fact that he'd have to sit in this room for a whole week…one question slowly, calmly, gracefully entered his mind.
When is all of this going to go horribly wrong in painfully amusing ways to all third parties?
"HEY LOOK! IT'S THE…uh…smart person!"
"YEAH!"
Zane's heart halted dead in its tracks for a moment, as the little 'sticks up when an idiot is talking to him' stuck up right on end. He recognized those cold, selfish, intelligence-deprived voices right off the bat…
"The Stupid Jerks…" Zane said darkly, turning to see the muscle heads from chapter three, all wearing identical 'Stupid Jerk' t-shirts.
"Yeah…he…uh…" said another jerk.
Silence.
"LET'S HIT HIM!" said the first.
"My mother told me 'everything your father says is false'," said Zane. "My father told me 'everything your mother says is true'."
"Ha! That's…uh…not gonna work this time!" said the second jerk.
"Yeah," said the first. "We stupid jerks recently learned the secret to how to avoid having your brains swallowed…uh…UP by questions that have no answer!"
"Which is?" asked Zane.
"STOP THINKING!" said the third.
"I'm sure you were able to pick it up right off the bat," said Zane flatly, deciding that he may as well live his final moments to their sarcastic fullest.
"YEAH…well your ugly!" said the stupid jerk. "Now get ready to…get hurt! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!"
"YO HOMIES! \/\/I-I4+Z IIP?"
And Zane's heart nearly stopped again…huh, he seriously needed to get that checked out.
"KAT IN THE UBER HIZZLE FO SHIZZLE!!!!!SHIFT1!" said Kat, entering the room, loudly and gallantly (as usual). "Man, it's good to be back! Hey, the Seven Card Stud tournament hasn't started without m-HOLYCOWKAISERWHATAREYOUDOINGHEREYOINK?"
"Kat…I can't decide whether I want to sob with joy or kill you where you stand…" said Zane.
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!! NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kat. "The world can't end! I've got, like, eight episodes of X-Play taped that I still need to watch! Oh, and there's the whole 'I'm too young to die' thing I guess…"
"I wonder if 'living for the moment' can be taken to too much of an extreme," said Zane, half to her, half to himself.
"HA! ZANE GOT IN TROUBLE! ZANE GOT IN TROUBLE! HAHA HAHA HA-HA! ZANE GOT IN TROUBLE!" screamed Kat in a shrill, but utterly amused tone.
"It must be good to live with a tiny attention span," said Zane. "Look, for your information, I didn't get in trouble! I was sent here from a big misunderstanding! Unlike you, who got sent down here for God-Knows-What-"
"Hey! Back off!" said Kat. "I didn't get in trouble at all! I told you, I'm here for the poker tournament only! I am morally clean, unlike you, who is steeped in sin!"
"Yes, I fully consider myself morally superior to someone who comes to a detention room on her own accord, being neither instructed nor invited, to gamble with delinquents," said Zane.
"Ah, touché," said Kat.
"Hey!" said another guy at the back of the room. "I don't deserve to be here either!"
"And just why's that?" asked Zane darkly, turning to the random, nameless miscreant.
"I totally set the Chem Room on fire!" said the student.
"Alright…I fail to see while this vindicates you from all crimes, but alright…" said Zane.
"Oh come on, don't you ever watch television?!" said the kid. "Something ALWAYS gets set on fire during chemistry class! IT'S A LAW!"
"A LAW!" all the other delinquents conquered.
"Uh…no," said Zane.
"And they threw me in detention because I actually FOLLOWED the teacher's directions!" said another kid.
"And what, pray tell, did you that would land you here?" asked Zane.
"Well, she said 'if you don't want to be in this class, then you shouldn't be here'!" said the kid. "So I left! And I went to the cafeteria…and set a lunch lady on fire…and then robbed a bank…"
"Yes, yes, another victim of the faults of democracy," said Zane.
"AND I CALLED MY TEACHER A COW! BUT SHE IS A COW!" yelled another student.
"And I totally save the class from the squeaky chalk by running it over with a bus!" said another.
"I failed my exam…but they were asking for it…" said another.
"Alright, alright, you were all put here unfairly!" said Zane. "So what? Society's a real pain in the butt, deal with it!"
"WAIT!" said Kat triumphantly. "If we all got put into this stupid after-school detention-"
"What to you mean 'we'?" yelled Zane. "You came here to gamble underage."
"QUIET!" said Kat. "WE ARE BEING OPPRESSED! AS MEMBERS OF A DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY, IT IS OUR JOB TO RISE UP AND CONQUER ALL WHO DARES TO OPPOSE US! WE ARE DESTINED FOR GREATER THINGS!"
"YEAH!"
"WOO-HOO!"
"ATTICA! ATTICA!"
"I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!"
"For the love of-" Zane started.
"ALRIGHT YOU WHELPS!" yelled Mrs. Ratched, as a regular riot was brewing, as students all began to pick up chairs. "None of you will leave this room alive! And even if divine intervention offered you an escape, I'd hunt you all down and gut you like a-"
BOOMBADADEDEETHUMTHUMTHUMthumthumthumpattapatta…
But then she was floored by a mob of ex-detained delinquints.
"Wow…I won't envy the poor people who have to clean up this mess…" said Zane, as the room (and the teacher) lay in ruins, covered in footprints and tables and chairs that were thrown every which way.
"ZANE! ZOMG! You so have to get out of here!" said Kat. "Once everyone learns that you started this riot-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, get off the platform Trotsky," said Zane. "Last time I checked, I wasn't the one who somehow managed to rally a solidarity rebellion from the students who collectively can't hit a GPA average of one."
"Dude, you're the oldest, you're the last one in the room, you're the most popular kid in the student body…if that doesn't scream 'scapegoat', I don't know what does," said Kat.
"Once again, touché…but I'll still hurt you for this…" said Zane.
"Mr. Zane Truesdale?" asked a couple of middle-aged men in suits, wearing dark glasses, and with very, very disappointed-looking faces.
"Yes, can I help you?" asked Zane.
"We'd appreciate if you came with us and answered a few questions," replied the other suit.
"And you are?" asked Zane.
"Well…put simply…we're The Man," said the first suit.
"What, both of you are?" asked Kat.
"RESISTANCE!" yelled the Second. "BOOK 'EM BOYS!"
"Zane get out of here!" said Kat. "I'll distract them! You alone can lead the masses to an era of enlightenment! YOU ALONE CAN SHOW THEM THE TRUTH!"
"Look, for the last time, this is your fault, so stop shoving the-" Zane started.
"BE FREE!" said Kat, picking up a turned over chair, and with all her might, slamming it into Zane, causing him to fly backwards out a window…sending him to freedom…three stories below.
"There goes one of the greatest political minds of his generation…" said Kat, teary eyed and full of pride, as the men wrenched her hands behind her back.
---ooo---
NOVEMBER 18
8:17:44 AM EST
DUEL ACADAMY-CARD SAFETY CLASS
"And…so…Mr…Dalai…Lama…I…Chazz…Princton…believe…that…I…would…be…an…excellent…successor…to…the…prestige…of…the…Buddhist…Empire…" said Chazz, once again scribbling on the good stationary.
"Once again Chazz, something is seriously wrong with you," said Alexis. "It's not going to work! You're not even a Buddhist! How could you possibly succeed a position with as much prestige and respect as the Dalai Lama?"
"Again with your negative attitude!" said Chazz. "Sheesh, no wonder we've never had a female president!"
Alexis quivered in rage, as the sounds of the snapping plastic of her mechanical pencil began to click beneath her grip.
"Oh, by the way," said Chazz. "I haven't seen the Freakywhitewearinggothickid all day. Is he like, sick or something?"
There was silence. The plastic stopped snapping for a moment. Then, slowly, Alexis turned and stared at him with cold, dead eyes.
"…sick?" she repeated.
"Yeah, sick," said Chazz. "You know, Ah-choo, hack hack, pass the orange juice, sick?"
"You idiot, he's been missing for days!" said Alexis.
"What?" asked Chazz dully.
"He's been missing! For a whole week now!" said Alexis angrily. "No one knows where he is! It's been a huge event! I mean, it's been the hot topic of everything lately! Don't you read the school paper?"
"Please, why would I read such a boring piece of newsprint?" asked Chazz.
"Don't you watch the television bulletins?" asked Alexis.
"Please, I've lost my faith in the media years ago!" said Chazz. "Besides, everyone knows that newscasters are all ALIENS!"
"Haven't you've been listening to the conversations between students, teachers, authority figures, the various staff members?" said Alexis. "It's the only thing they've been talking about! Haven't you listened to ME?"
"Please, like I'd listen to the idle hearsay of the common bumpkins that-" Chazz started.
"YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THE POLICE TAPE THAT'S STRUNG FROM TOP TO BOTTOM ACROSS YOUR BLOODY DORM?!" yelled Alexis, her temper clearly taking over.
"So thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's it…man, it's been such a pain to shove through all those police officers and bloody detectives as they-" Chazz said.
He was interrupted with a violent snap, as the bottom half of Alexis's mechanical pencil slid out of her fist and landed on the desk with a light chatter.
"You know what?" said Chazz matter-of-factly. "Because of your terrible temper, an innocent mechanical pencil had to bite the dust. Destroy, destroy, destroy! Is that really all you can-"
---ooo---
"I think Zane's dead and your channeling," said Chazz, a huge band-aide on his hair.
"Thank you for agreeing to come," said Sam, as the three of them walked down the long hallway of the west wing. "I'm not sure how much good it'll do…"
"Still, I'll try my best to get the main rebel to talk," said Alexis. "How's everything going by the way? Have you found any of the people who escaped?"
"A small handful, but word passes through the underground fast…too fast…" said Sam. "Apparently, someone's telling all the recaptured detention students to keep quiet-and they're following orders surprisingly well. We think that word somehow trickles down from the main rebel…but how or why remains unclear…"
"Such a strong will…" said Alexis.
"Indeed," said Sam solemnly. "We've offered a whole pack of Oreos, and still the main rebel refuses to talk. All that we can infer from what little information that we have is that the main rebel is somehow acting on the orders of the true commander of the group…of whom still walks free…"
"How fascinating…" said Alexis.
"How utterly stupid," said Chazz.
"Alright," said Sam, halting outside the door, with a huge red 'Cuidado' painted across the front of it. "Here's the room…fair warning…her words may seem rather cryptic, but if you can find any hidden meaning whatsoever, anything we can go on…"
"Of course," Alexis said with a nod. With that, Sam returned it, then wrapped her fingers around the door handle, and with a gentle twist, she slowly opened the door. The room was completely dark, save for a spotlight-like light that flashed down on Kat, who lay in a straight jacket on a chair. With the sound of the door opening, she slowly turned her eyes upward to face her jailors.
"Are the birds still speaking, Clarice?" she asked.
"Oh for God's sake Kat, just fess up and tell us what the heck is going on!" said Sam angrily.
"NEVER! NEVER! I WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" said Kat. "You can't pay me enough to betray my friends and my cause!"
"I'll give you a twenty!" said Alexis.
"Ha! That won't work and you know it!" said Kat. "Besides, they already tried that with the Oreos!"
"I've never seen her so passionate…" said Sam. "Really, I haven't seen her attention span last this long…"
"I WILL TELL YOU NOTHING!" screamed Kat. "It doesn't matter how many of my friends you drag from The Cruel World! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOUR WILL! MUA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hmm…" said Alexis quietly, as Sam closed the door, shacking her head and clicking her tongue.
"Indeed," said Sam. "Our only hope now is for her little attention span to crack. We've been slipping her four hundred milligrams of sugar with every meal. We're already pushing the dosage to dangerous levels…"
"And still no word of Zane…" said Alexis. "This isn't right…I don't know why, but something about all of this seriously isn't right…well, besides Zane fleeing school…and the fact that about three dozen students are missing…okay, everything's wrong. Never mind."
---ooo---
NOVEMBER 18
7:26:55 PM EST
SOMEWHERE ON DUEL ACADAMY GROUNDS
"Nnn…this is terrible…" said Zane, staggering through the massive forest. "How could I have possibly gotten this lost? I mean, I fell right outside of the school building. How could I possibly pass out and wake up in the most remote, dark part of the forests surrounding Duel Acadamy?"
"Life has many mysteries, I suppose…" said the Cheshire Cat, sitting in one of the trees.
"And frankly, I don't need your input," said Zane flatly, kicking the tree angrily, causing the kitty to fall out with a yelp. "Now then…I haven't eaten in the past twenty-four hours…it's a shame that very few plants actually produce edible fruit…"
"KILL THE PIG! SLIT HER THROAT! BASH HER IN!" screamed a bunch of twelve-year-old little savage kids, thankfully ignoring Zane, but stampeding by with carved spears, painted faces, and long, grubby hair.
"Huh…that is in no way comforting…" said Zane dully. "Alright then. Now…maybe I could find some way to make a signal-fire that-"
Before Zane could finish properly talking to himself, he found himself rocketed up and flipped over, a noose tied around his ankle, causing him to hang from a tree upside down, making him look very ridiculous.
"Ah…the road to my eventual loss of sanity is never a straight one…" said Zane darkly, upside-down and swinging slightly in the breeze.
"OH, SWEET, DINNER!" screamed a woman, running through the trees with a very unnerving butcher knife and a plate. She was in her late twenties, and looked like she had just come back from a cosplay club,wearing fantasy-style costume, complete with tight armor on her top, a pair of very short shorts, and a very long sword strapped to her back, sporting a short, black haircut
"Finally!" she yelled, "I haven't had a decent shot of protein in like-oh bother, it's a person…"
"…I'm sorry," said Zane.
"No, no," she said casually, but dropping her butcher knife in frustration with a sigh. "It's just that now, eating you would be morally wrong in most cultures."
"Hey, is there enough for a decent roast, or do I have to make soup aga-oh, we caught another kid?" said another woman walking on the scene, this one looking distinctly more gothic, with a short black dress, black eyes, pale skin, and long, flowing, curly, white hair.
"Yeah, it bites," said the warrior woman.
"This is just as bad as that last time when we finally caught that rabbit, and like, the second we get within three feet of the rope, it snaps and the stupid thing escapes…" said the pseudo-goth.
"And that salesmen-how did THAT happen?" asked the warrior. "I mean sheeeeeesh! They can't run worth squat!"
"Um, hate to break things up here, but…kinda stuck up here?" said Zane.
---ooo---
"So let me get this straight," said Zane, sitting in front of a blazing campfire with a mug of hot Progresso in his hands. "You're…mercenaries?"
"Yep," said the women. "We're the most elite mercenaries that you'll ever meet in your life! My name's Asoka! I'm the leader, because I have the biggest sword and the loudest scream!"
"…fascinating," said Zane.
"This is Neko," said Asoka, pointing to the pseudo-goth, who was giving her soup mug and odd look. "She's sort of the brains and logic of the group."
"Did you use my mug as a grape-juice cup again?" she asked angrily.
"Dude, at times I really think she's psychic or something…" said Asoka, whispering to Zane.
"Because it takes a gypsy to notice a giant, purple STAIN at the bottom of my mug!" Neko yelled.
"How can there possibly be mercenaries on this island?" asked Zane. "Isn't the entire profession sort of outdated?"
"Well, in the older soldier-for-hire-for-fat-lordlings-who-can't-do-it-themselves, yeah, I guess," said Asoka. "Oh…those were the days! Before police forces…and common law…and rights of man…seriously, you could get away with anything! And get PAID for it! It's like professional gaming, except it's real life!"
"But sadly, these days were doing a lot less exciting jobs," said Neko, stirring the dregs of her soup with her finger. "Now we do more stuff like…deliver packages. Sew on buttons. God…Christmasgrams…"
"So your basically UPS workers," said Zane.
"But we have cool outfits," said Asoka.
"And our permits on our blades of doom and coolness don't expire until next year," said Neko, pointing to a few short daggers on her belt.
"Then why are you wandering around on this island?" asked Zane.
Silence.
"We're on an island?" asked Asoka.
"I told you to ask for directions!" said Neko angrily. "But do you listen? Oh noooo, you just charge out there and-"
"How did you even get here in the first place?" asked Zane.
"Life has many mysteries…" said a voice behind him, as Zane's heart nearly stopped as a head popped in front of him, from a person apparently hanging upside-down from a tree-branch. He wasn't pseudo-goth…he was STAIGHT goth. Black hair, black eyes, black clothes.
"And…who's that?" said Zane, trying not look too undignified.
"Oh, that's Iku," said Neko. "He's working on intelligence. He gets all the inside information for our particular operation…"
Silence.
"Okay, his smexy gothness complements our…not-goth smexyness…" said Asoka. "And we use him to scare small children…and he's the only guy who knows how to work the DVD player."
"Aren't you getting tired of hanging up there?" asked Zane.
Iku didn't say anything.
"Don't try to speak to him directly," said Neko. "He strictly speaks on non-sequiters."
"No, not another one…" said Zane.
"What do you mean?" said Neko.
"Nothing…it's just that a friend of mine…" Zane said. "Well…he's sorta…"
---ooo---
"I made out with a moose in Idaho…I'm Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father…my cat can lay eggs…" Joku repeated in his usual dead monotone, as he repeated the same phrase over and over, dressed in a pixie dress and a pair of bright, colorful wings. Sam sat next to him, looking like she wanted to claw her ears off.
---ooo---
"Yeah…" said Asoka. "…so do you want to join or what?"
"No, not really," said Zane.
"Aw, why not?" asked Asoka.
"Because your mercenaries…sell swords…and your generally attached to horrid fantasy games and sick cosplayers," said Zane. "Not to mention very bad 'adult' anime…regardless, I'm not joining."
"Then we'll have to send you to the authorities and claim the reward for your head," said Iku dully.
Silence.
"I'll run now…" Zane said, getting up abruptly and running away from the campfire as fast as his legs could carry him.
"HEY!" said Neko. "GET BACK HERE AND RINSE OUT YOUR CUP!"
"Why do they always run…" said Iku.
"PURSUE AND KILL!" screamed Asoka, getting on her feet and drawing her blade.
"No, no killing," said Neko. "We lost our permit, remember?"
"Oh…bother," said Asoka. "PURSUE AND BODILY HARM…BUT NOT FATALY!"
"Much better…" said Neko.
"Let's get the man who lives in my basement and eats all my food…" said Iku.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"…Asoka," said Neko darkly. "Please don't tell me that the horrid noise we just heard was not YOUR car being started…"
"…oops…musta left the keys in the ignition again…" said Asoka sheepishly.
"And to think I was actually kidding when I bought you that 'steal me' vanity plate last year…" said Neko darkly.
---ooo---
JUNE 18
9:37:19 PM EST
DUEL ACADAMY-CARD SHOP
"Chazz…why?" asked Alexis darkly, sitting in one of the chairs in the lobby area of the shop, holding a stack of papers on her lap.
"Why what?" asked Chazz. "Other than why are we in this stupid store that's filled with nothing but junk and also junk?"
"Chazz, don't you buy all your cards here?" asked Alexis.
"Yes, but I can still complain about it!" said Chazz.
"Why didn't you put Zane's picture in these wanted posters?" asked Alexis. "Actually, perhaps a better question is why you decided instead to use a strange caricature of your own design?"
"Pah," said Chazz. "Philistines always question artistic brilliance!"
"…yes, it's a very brilliant stick figure with fangs, horns, a devil tail, and a dress with its tongue sticking out," said Alexis darkly.
"Besides, I think I really nailed him with my description!" said Chazz. "An inferior, ambiguous photograph would be redundant, borderline insult!"
"'Missing, overall horrid person, wears white, frightens small children, has a terrible attitude, and got into the academy solely on connections'," quoted Alexis, reading the description on the bottom of the handmade posters. "'If found, promptly beat to death said person to death and call the police. Chazz rules'."
"Perhaps I should seek employment at 'Newsweek'!" said Chazz proudly.
"Or 'The Enquirer'," Alexis said darkly.
"Hey guys," said Sam, walking out of the back room with a bag of chips in her arm. "How are the poster's coming?"
"About as well as well as this school's entire academic program," said Alexis, dropping the wad of papers on the ground. "So then…any news on Kat?"
"Nope, nothing," said Sam with a sigh. "Oh well…hey, help yourself to the chips."
"OHMYGIDDYGAWLYGAAAAAAAD!" sung Ray at the top of his lungs, bursting through the door to the back room as Alexis caught the bag of chips that Sam tossed in her and Chazz's direction. "The gang's all here! This is so awesome! RAY WANTS TO GIVE EVERYONE A HUG!"
"RAY! I told you to stay behind and count soap dispensers!" said Sam angrily. "Don't tell me you can't even handle that!"
"But I already did!" said Ray.
"Then double count them!" said Sam.
"But I already did!" said Ray.
"Then count them in Spanish!" said Sam.
"…KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" said Ray, glancing over at Chazz. Chazz glared back at him, to which Ray responded by winking at him and blowing a kiss.
"…I hate that kid…" Chazz said.
"Shut up and eat some Lays," said Alexis, tossing him the chip bag, crunching on her own handful of them.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERCRASH!!!!
"What the heck was that?" asked Sam in alarm, as Chazz jumped in shock, causing a few chips to fly out of the bag.
"UNO! DOS! TRES! QUATRO!"
"My bet is we have a customer," said Alexis.
"Oh joy…" said Sam. "Just what I needed."
"Hmm…it appears I'm just as horrible a driver as I was in 'There's Something About Marik'…" said Zane flatly, as the mercenaries' car was latterly hanging over the edge of the curb, as a tire bounced idly by. "And I've hit a car that has a 'don't rear end me, I'm running out of places to hide bodies' bumper sticker…yes, I believe I'm in trouble…"
He looked out the driver's side window to see the faint light of the game shop, a welcome beacon of hope in the darkness.
"Of course…I'll talk to Sam," said Zane, fighting through the airbag to get to the car door to open it. "She's a rational person…she'll be able to help…"
"…I sure hope Zane's okay," said Alexis vaguely.
"OCHENTA Y TRES! OCHENTA Y QUATRO! OCHENTA Y CINCO!"
"I'm sure he's alright," said Sam. "He's a smart kid…he'll figure out a way to keep himself safe."
"What are you talking about?" said Chazz. "He's so doomed!"
"Which is being told to me by a man who thinks the Dalai Lama will surrender his position just because you sent him a letter asking him to do so," said Alexis vaguely.
Suddenly, the bell over the door tinkled, and Alexis looked up-
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"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" yelled Asoka angrily, as the gang continued to sit around the campfire.
"I believe that they were spinning off the finale to 'The Sopranos'," said Neko calmly.
"But really, what hasn't been spun off in this chapter?" said Asoka, pouring another ladle's worth of Progresso into her soup bowl. "I mean sheesh! It's like one giant pop culture reference!"
"Well, suck it up, because you'll have to deal with one more!" said Neko.
"And now for something completely different…" Iku said dully.
---ooo---
"Hmm…they're probably watching me…well, let them," said Kat darkly, still in her straight jacket, sitting in the chair in the questioning room. "Let them see what kind of person I am…"
"I like coconut bras…I once put a pair of socks on my ears and pretended I was Maya Angelou…I walk my sponge every day…" Joku said, still sitting in the corner of the room, wearing his pixie outfit.
"I'm not even going to swat that fly…" she said to herself. "I hope they're watching. They'll see. They'll see, and they'll know, and they'll say…'why, she wouldn't even harm a fly!'"
---ooo---
"Is that one reference or two?...or three?" asked Asoka.
"Quiet moron, here comes the premere," said Neko.
---ooo---
Don't miss…the next episode…of "Those Crazy Obelisks"…'March of the Maniac'…you know you want it…hmm hmm hmm!
---ooo---
"And now we just add another one!" said Asoka angrily.
"Pipe down fool," said Iku.