-1I sit here in the clinic, my head filled with thoughts of you, your father and of what's to come when they call my name. I can't believe that I'm sat here right now. I can't believe that I have you safely inside of me and yet I'm here because I've chosen to let them take you away from me, your mother, the one person who is supposed to love you and protect you for the rest of your life.

I always wanted children, always. I thought that when I was to fall pregnant, even if it was in unexpected circumstances, that I would embrace the chance of motherhood because inside of me would be a little person depending on me, needing my protection, a part of me who would be such a little miracle that I could never, ever terminate such a precious life. Here I am though, waiting for my name to be called, your father shouting outside, both of us knowing that I've chosen not to have you and I know that this is something that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.

I've spent weeks thinking of you my baby. Weeks wondering what kind of mother I could ever be to a child fathered by a man like Nathan. A man who broke my heart into a million pieces and tore it to shreds. A man who now has decided that he wants you, when the day I told him about you he just shrugged you off and walked away leaving me in tears. How can I have you when he's hurt me so much? How can I bring you into the world just for him to hurt you like he has me? Spending one day with two children doesn't make you qualified to be a father and to make the decision that he has about wanting you after being so cold when told of your impending arrival. You can't be around for the good bits and then walk away when things get hard. That's the kind of man that your father is and I know that while he says he wants you now there's every chance that some time in the future he'll change his mind and I can't put you through that darling or me and I'm so incredibly sorry.

My hands fumble nervously, pulling at loose stitching on the sofa that I sit on during my last moments as a mother to be. They subconsciously find their way to my stomach as if to protect you from the decision I have made and as soon as they rest over the place where you're nestled safely inside me I feel such guilt and sadness over what I have chosen to do. As far as I can see there's no other choice. There's no other way for me to get over what your daddy has put me through other than to have the last piece of him in my life taken away from me. I don't want any ties to him, even if that means not having you. My little baby. My precious, darling child.

You're not just part of him though are you. This is what tears me to shreds. You're part of me too. You're my flesh and blood, being carried in my womb, in my tummy, making me nauseous and tired but still something that's mine and so beautiful. How can I be doing this to my own baby? To the little child that I saw on the screen of the ultrasound machine, so perfectly formed with little arms and legs and a heartbeat. I could keep you, carry you to term, watch as my bump grows as you grow inside of me and stand in awe as I feel you move inside of me and then kick for the first time. It should be so magical and such a profound journey. But then I think of him. Of what he was doing behind my back. Of how dirty I felt when I found out and I remember why I'm here, and no matter how much it pains me and how much I want to be a mummy and for things to be different, I know that I don't have the strength to have you right now . I'm doing this because of him and what he did. I hope you never, ever think that it's because I didn't love you for I always will.

It does hurt me sweetheart. Please don't think that it doesn't hurt me to know that you've been within me for over three months now but in just a little while you will be gone and it will be all my doing. My heart aches for the chance to be a mother to you. It aches for a part of me to feel so sure that I would be a good mother that I could find the strength to just get up right now and walk out of here ready for a new start as a mummy rather than the lonely Doctor that I really am. That's not going to happen though. It can't. My head won't let it and so I sit here with my hands on my stomach and I wonder what you would have looked like, what it would have felt like to cradle you in my arms or to nurse you and I curse the man screaming outside of those doors for making me feel I have no choice but to terminate your little life.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to keep you my baby. As my hands rest on my stomach I feel such love for you and I start to cry as I realise that this is the conclusion to such a painful chapter in my life. I wish I was stronger. I wish I really was the strong, independent Doctor that everyone thinks I am but I'm not. I'm just a lonely woman who has never felt so lost, so hurt or so unloved.

I can't be a mother can I? I'm not cut out to be a mother. How can I be if I'm sat here right now? How could I keep you only to explain to you when you're older that I was sat on a sofa in an abortion clinic when I was three months pregnant because I'd chosen to end your life? There's no going back for me now and as they call my name I run a hand over my still non existent bump saying my silent goodbye to you, for I know now that I don't deserve to be a mother to you. You don't deserve a mother who's sat in a clinic wishing your life away because she doesn't have the strength of character to keep carrying you and to bring you in to the world because of the man that is your father. It's better that you're gone than having to grow up with us as your parents. If the past is anything to go by we'd only mess it up anyway. And I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't bear it.

So this is it. This is where I become empty. This is where I say goodbye to the baby that has dominated all of my thoughts in recent weeks and where I become one of the many who has decided that to not have their unborn baby was the best option for both them and their child. I sit on the bed in a gown as they prepare me for the procedure and clutch my stomach once again as tears of loss and sadness fall from my eyes. I've realised these truly are the last few moments I will know what it is like to have you inside of me.

"I'm so sorry little petal. I love you. Goodbye."