Disclaimer: I think by now, we've all come to terms with the fact that I don't own Gravitation. -wipes a tear- Most of us, anyway.
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Am I good enough
For you to love me too? -"Good Enough", Evanescence
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Shatter CH 6. Shuichi POV.
I'm not quite sure how this happened.
Somehow, I've gone through my whole, entire life, not once realizing that I am a very, very selfish person.
As in, very selfish.
Looking back, of course, now I see it. When I first moved in with Yuki, I was in love with him. So very much in love with him. As in love with him as I am right now.
(That's a lot.)
That's not why I moved in with him, though.
Sure, duh, it was part of it. I told myself that it was all because I loved Yuki so much that I couldn't stand to be without him any longer than humanly possible.
This is true. All I wanted was to be near Yuki. To be close to him, to be near him, in some way, somehow. To breathe the same air he did, to take part in the enchanting chain of events that surely made up Yuki Eiri's everyday life.
But there's more.
This is the thing that I don't want to admit, not even to myself. This is something that I kept locked in the dark inner chambers of my heart, in a dusty old box shoved into the very back of my mind, shut tight.
That's almost poetic, don't you think?
Well, I knew that Yuki...he had other lovers. I knew it, and I was almost okay with it. That's just the way he is, I told myself. Just like how he would never quit smoking, if I asked him to. Which I wouldn't.
'Cause then he wouldn't be Yuki anymore.
And I love Yuki.
This is where I get selfish.
I knew that Yuki had other lovers, and I couldn't change that. I could fight it, though. And so I devised a brilliant plan.
I'd become the first thing he saw in the morning, there to greet him with a smile and a plate of fluffy chocolate chip pancakes.
I'd be the last thing he saw at night, the last whisper he heard, telling him just how much I loved him, as he drifted off to sleep.
I'd become his favorite.
Isn't that terrible?
Thinking about it now, I shudder.
Oh, but there's more.
I wanted to believe that by living with Yuki, I could find a special piece of him that I could hold on to, and love forever, and that no one else could touch. A part of Yuki that was all mine.
And I hoped, hoped with all my heart, that maybe Yuki would find something in me too. Some tiny ounce of sparkle of light within me, shining just for him. Something worth keeping. Worth loving.
Even though the grumpy voice in the back of my head that I prefer not to listen to kept reminding me of what I already knew, what I chose to ignore; Yuki would never love me.
Not like I love him, anyway.
He's so cool and smart, and sophisticated, and gorgeous and sexy. A thousand and one different kinds of wonderful. Amazing. That's Yuki.
Me?
I'm a scrawny little brat with pink hair and an excruciatingly girly laugh.
And that's about it.
Somewhere deep, deep inside me, maybe in my kidney or something, there was always a tiny, tiny little glimmer of hope. The very last firefly, flickering on and off, before finally giving up and surrendering, falling into the darkness. The truth.
But, always...I knew.
I would never be good enough for Yuki, never.
And now, I don't even stand a chance.
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"Shuichi? Shuichi?" That's Hiro. I think. He's shaking me. Ow. "You okay, buddy? Does your hand hurt?"
Hand? Why would my...I lift my hand to inspect it.
Ow.
So that's why.
"No, no, I'm okay," I try to say.
"Are you sure?" Hiro asks, his eyebrows drawn together tight. "Why are you crying, then?"
Oh. Ohhh. "It's nothing," I say. My voice is so scratchy, maybe he can't tell I'm lying.
He cocks one eyebrow quizzically.
Maybe he can.
"It's nothing," I repeat, looking down at the blanket folded in my lap. My voice is so quiet, I'm not sure it's a voice at all. Maybe it wants to be a voice, but it's not quite sure how to become one.
No, I really don't know what I'm saying either.
Hiro's quiet for a long time. He's looking very closely at the floor tiles. Maybe he's counting them, or watching an ant crawl or something. He's very concentrated.
I listen to the rain hit the window. It's just a light rain, a soft pitter-patter, a steady beat. It's calming, this rain. I close my eyes, and imagine that I'm floating far away from here. Floating, on a cotton candy cloud, through the watercolor sky. There's music, and laughter, and everything I seem to have lost in the past few hours.
Well, almost everything.
Yuki...I'd rather not think about him.
Hiro places his hand on my knee. I jump a little. He's cold.
"When you're ready to tell me," he says, in a soft, but deep voice, "I'm right here. I'm gonna go get some lunch. You want anything?"
I silently ask my stomach if it's hungry. No reply. I think it's worn out. "No thanks, Hiro."
"You sure?" He's eyeing me suspiciously.
What? What did I do?
"Maybe a box of Pocky," I say, smiling. You know, it feels good to smile.
"Sure thing, kid," he says, ruffling my hair. Ow. Headache.
I watch him leave. I really like his pants. Remind me to ask him where he got them, okay, Shuichi? Okay.
Ohhhh. I need some sleep.
I wave goodbye to Hiro, he steps out the door, and just like that, he's gone.
And I suddenly am smacked with the realization of just how alone I really am.
It hurts almost as much as my hand.
I...I need something. I need something to hold on to. Something that's not real, something I can't hurt. Something that won't ever leave me.
I grab the pillow behind me, with my non-injured hand of course, and clutch it to my chest. I hug it. I'm gonna hug this pillow, squeeze it tight until all my sadness flies, flies away.
I could be here a while.
A rumble. In the sky. A big, huge rumble, like someone's riding on top of the roof in a bulldozer. So big and loud and huge that I'm scared it'll crush me, that it'll eat me up and swallow me whole.
I'm so scared.
I hate thunder.
It rumbles again, louder this time. A chill runs up and down my spine, lightning fast. I'm shaking all over. My eyes are stinging. I really don't think they can take any more tears. I squeeze the pillow as tight as I can, and it hurts my hand, God it hurts, but I don't care.
I need someone here with me, even if it is just a pillow.
I just can't be alone.
The thunder roars again, commanding the entire world, and I'm shrinking, powerless, helpless. Shaking and shivering and just sad, I bury my face in the pillow and cry.
Through my tears, I manage to sing. Warble, really. I sing, sing as loud as I can in this raspy, worthless voice. I block out the thunder, drown out the rain, wash away all the sad, horrible, yucky thoughts I've been feeling so often lately.
I sing away the pain.
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A/N: Finally, it returns! Sorry, this took much longer to post than I thought it would. The truth is, no matter how much editing and rewriting I do, I just can't find myself being entirely happy with this chapter. (I hate chapter seven, too.) So, no, it's not one of my stronger chapters, I apologize. But I promise, as this story nears its end, there are some good ones coming up!
...In my opinion, anyway.
Feedback always helps. That may have been a hint. ;D
Rena Is So Cool. YES! Finally, someone who understands! Tohma is SUCH a ho. -hands you a Best Review Ever award and a box of Pocky-
sayuri-girl: I love your reviews sooo much. You really keep me going, no da! Thank you so very much for your in-depth review. :D
migrated-pineapple: Yaaay! You got an account! -dances in circles- So glad you like The Shatter, sorry about the confusion. Hee. Someday, you will watch Gravi! You'll watch it and like it! -laughs slightly maniacally- I love you toooo! Nya.
Thanks SO much to those of you who reviewed 'Prom' and 'Lonely Hearts Club' too, it means the world to me! A special big hug to YamiHaruko, who is so very sweet and kind to me, and is also an amazing author! If you haven't read her fic Sin, then what the heck are you doing reading this lame fic? Go read hers! -laughs- Okay, I'll stop my shameless plugging.
Thanks so much for reading, everyone! I'd really, really love reviews, but I won't be reduced to begging.
...Yet. ;D