A/N: Insanity that progresses to angst.
BELINDA'S POV
"You're going to do WHAT!" Amanda practically screamed the last word. I laughed quietly.
"I'm going to wear a dress to dinner. I just want to see how badly everyone freaks out," Amanda stared at me.
"Since when did you even own a dress?" I grinned at her.
"Since I took up singing at bars for money," I replied nonchalantly, looking through my bag for the dress.
"Oh. That dress," She said with understanding. "That doesn't really count as a dress," I pulled out my dress. It was a black dress that came down to my knees. It had a slit up one side, and gold leaves surrounding the split and the top of the dress. The dress had one strap that came over my right shoulder, which held it up as the other side drifted dangerously close to being indecent. "Are you actually going to wear that?" She asked, looking down at my arm. I sighed.
"There are ways around that problem," I put the dress on and sighed as I looked down at the scars on my arm. "But I think everyone will find out eventually, so I'm not going to bother hiding it anymore," Amanda gave me an understanding smile.
"Well I'm glad. It's about time you let people know. That's too much to keep inside like you do," I nodded as I began to do my hair in the room's mirror.
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Stunned silence greeted me as I entered the dining hall. I smiled, remembering another time this room had been this silent.
"Geez. I don't wear a dress and you stare, I wear a dress and you stare. I can't win here, can I?" I heard a few laughs as Amanda and I sat with the rest of the Fellowship. "It's a one time thing," I informed Legolas, who was staring at me from his seat next to mine. He looked at me and smiled, but his smile turned to a frown as his eyes caught on my arms. I looked away quickly and began eating, hoping he wouldn't ask questions. I had no such luck.
"Who did this to you?" He asked me softly, his hand tracing the scars that littered my pale arms. I looked down. It might not have been a good idea to wear this dress. "Belinda?" I sighed and looked up at him sadly.
"I did." It was all I could say, sadness clouding my mind and shame making me look away. He said nothing, just turned back to his meal, looking deep in thought. In the silence that followed, I looked up and around the table, where people avoided my gaze. I went back to looking at my plate sadly.
I got through the dinner okay, and at the end Elrond made a speech, telling us to work together, and we will prevail, or something like that.
"Sing for us Belinda!" I glared at my grinning best friend, but by then the others had joined in asking. I looked at the table, then up at Amanda with a huge grin on my face.
"I think I know what I should sing," I told her with a smile and a laugh. Her face lit up with understanding.
"No, you wouldn't!" I stood and walked to the front of the room. "You would." I heard her mumble from behind me. All eyes were on me as I stood there.
"I have been asked to sing for you guys, so I guess I'm going to sing," There was some scattered applause. I picked up my glass and took a drink of water before clearing my throat. "Here goes."
"There was a time, I don't know when, I didn't have much time for men. But this is now, and that was then, I'm learning. A girl alone, all on her own, must try to have a heart of stone, so I try not to make it known my yearning. I try to show I have no need, I really do, I don't succeed.
So lets bring on the men, and let the fun begin. A little touch of sin, why wait another minute? Step this way, it's time for us to play, they say we may not pass this way again, so let's waste no more time, bring on the men.
I always knew, I always said that silken lace in black and red will drive a man right off his head, it's easy. So many men, so little time, I want them all, is that a crime? I don't know they say that I'm too easy. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me sick, so God knows why.
We say bring on the men, and let the fun begin. A little touch of sin, why wait another minute? Step this way, it's time for us to play, they say we may not pass this way again, so let's waste no more time, bring on the men.
They break your heart, they steal your soul, take you apart, and yet they somehow make you hurt. So what's their game? I suppose a rose by any other name... the perfume and the pricks the same," I laughed, putting emphasis on the word pricks.
"I like to have a man for breakfast each day. I'm very social and I like it that way. By late mid-morning I need something to munch, so I ask over two men for lunch. I met a man over my afternoon teas. They're quite informal, I just do to please. Those triple sandwiches are my favorite one, I'm also very partial to buns.
My healthy appetite gets strongest at night. My adult dinners are my men friends' delight. When I invite the fellas over to dine, they all come early, in bed by nine!
So let's bring on the men, and let the fun begin. A little touch of sin, why wait another minute? Step this way, it's time for us to play, they say we may not pass this way again, so let's waste no more time, bring on the men!" I smiled as I finished my song and bowed to a shell-shocked audience. Amanda had her head lowered in shame, her face red. I grinned, barely containing my laughter at the looks on some of the people's faces.
"That was...good," Elrond finally said, breaking the silence. I smiled at him and winked, sashaying back to my seat. His ears turned pink, I noticed with a smile.
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," I comforted Amanda, who looked as if this was the end of the world. She shot me a death glare.
"Oh yes it is! I can't believe you did that," I smiled at her red face and chanced a glance around the table. I was getting mostly disapproving looks, some embarrassed glances, and a few amused smiles. Legolas was staring at me, so I stared right back. Finally he gave up and smiled.
"I can't believe you sang that either. People here will remember you for a long time," I shrugged.
"Better they remember me for that then some other things they've seen," I replied, rubbing my wrist. Legolas' smile turned to a frown.
"I would like to talk to you somewhere more private about that," I sighed, but nodded. Amanda shot me a worried glance and I sent her my best attempt at a reassuring smile. She raised her eyebrow at me and I shrugged. She nodded and I followed Legolas out of the room. He walked down the hallway, through a long corridor, to a door. He pulled a key out of his pocket and opened the door to what I assumed was his room. "Sit down," He said, sitting on the floor. I sat down on the floor next to him, smoothing my dress out.
"What do you want to know?" I finally asked, realizing that he could be trusted, and that I really needed someone to talk to.
"Why?" He asked simply. "Why did you do that to yourself?" I looked down at the floor and said flatly.
"Because I hated myself, I hated life, and I wanted to end it," He looked as shocked as I felt. This was as truthful as I had ever been with someone, and I barely knew him.
"What happened to you to make you feel like you needed to kill yourself?"
"It wasn't worth living. Nobody loved me, my parents were fighting and always ignored me, and nothing in life could go right for me anymore. I used to cry so hard at night before I went to sleep, and they never heard me, or if they did, they never came to comfort me. They never praised me, only scolded me. All I wanted was for them to love me, but they couldn't even do that.
"I got to the point where I was so tired of all of it, of hurting and crying. I let myself go numb, if I couldn't feel, they couldn't hurt me. That helped for a while, but like all good things in my life, it went wrong. I couldn't feel sadness, but I couldn't feel happy either. And all the bad feelings were just being locked inside of me, eating away at me. I had to find a way to feel again, so I started cutting." I stopped speaking and took a shaky breath, quickly looking up at Legolas. His face was worried, and full of pity. I looked back at the ground, scared that he would hate me if he knew the truth.
"Belinda?" I looked up at him, trying to keep from crying. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready." I sighed
"No, it's okay, just promise me something," He raised an eyebrow. "Whatever I say, promise you won't hate me or turn from me." He nodded solemnly.
"I promise." I took a deep breath and continued.
"Well, I kept cutting for a long time, I started starving myself, and I just kept falling deeper and deeper into depression. The thing that hurt the most was that no one noticed. I would wear short sleeves around the house and my parents never noticed my cuts. I thought that no one cared, so one night I decided to just end it. Amanda had been worried about me, and she came to check on me that night. If she hadn't, well, I'd be dead now. She found me lying on the floor of my bathroom covered in blood." I held out my wrists to him, showing him the now-healed gashes on them. I could see the surprise in his eyes. "So we ran away from home and ended up here," I summarized finally. He took my arm in his hands, running his fingers across the scars.
"You made all these?" I nodded, barely containing my tears. He noticed that, and pulled me into a hug. "It's okay, I don't hate you for it, I can't understand it because I've never been in your shoes, but I can't hate you for it." A few tears rolled down my cheeks. "And it is okay to cry, you've had it all pent up inside you for too long." At his words I burst out into tears as he held me to his chest. For once in my life I felt truly safe
/Let all fall away
Except for your soul
Let go of your body,
Your imperfections.
Let go of the words,
Let go of your skin.
Let it all go,
And you will truly see yourself.
Look in the mirror broken girl,
Look at yourself, for who you really are.
What has broken you?
Words, acts, they mean nothing now.
Drift in limbo and learn the truth:
It is not you, it is them.
They have broken you, day after day.
All of your hopes they have taken away,
And all of your dreams.
Drift in limbo,
And you can finally feel alright.
Unbroken, for once,
Understood.
The only thing that separates you is your attitude,
Your tears and scars.
Let them all fall away and you are one of them
Perfection.
But do you really want to be like that?
A punisher, a predator?
Drift back.
You are the punished, but that is okay,
Because you know the truth.
You're just like them underneath,
And they can no longer hurt you,
For you know their words mean nothing,
And your scars are merely scars,
There is nothing left to be ashamed of,
For you are real,
Not plastic,
And that's okay./
A/N: Beautiful poem by Belinda. She's the poetic one and I'm the... novel-writing one. The song that Belinda sang is "Bring On the Men". Yeah... I really would hide my face in shame, folks. I really would. Hope this will tide you over until the next chapter. Until then, read, review, all that good stuff.