3/30/02 - NEW SECTION ADDED since 3/28/02. It's at the very bottom.
Just a quick reply to those who've reviewed since the first posting of this chapter:
Megan - Thank you for your enthusiasm. =) And I'm glad you're still enjoying it.
Jocelyn Magus - Oooh, my first corrections! rolls up her sleeves I'm assuming you're referring to the line "He simply opened his eyes..." as his 'starting out with them open'. That's more of a hypothetical/rhetorical/what-have-you statement, in the context of the first sentence. So, he doesn't actually have them open right then and there; it was merely referring to past incidents. Hope that was understandable. At least, a little more understandable than the original narration...anyway, I did edit it slightly in the hopes that it would be less confusing. As for the hanging ending, isn't that the goal of any author, to leave the reader looking for more? =P But you're right, I hadn't intended on leaving it that ambiguous. _ That line too, has been added to. (My fingers don't always quite keep up with my thoughts...which's why readers/reviewers have to step in because sometimes I get tired of proofreading - and re-proofreading, and re-proofreading, and re-proofreading et cetera - my own writing.)
Hazel and Rowan - shivers Oooh, you really know how to get someone motivated...but hopefully you won't have to take such drastic measures. =P (Especially considering the fact that I'm weird and caffeine puts me to sleep. I'm sure that's not the effect you're looking for.)
haiiro - blush Afraid I can't think of any response beyond a heartfelt "Thank you."
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3/28/02 - The responses to this story have simply been overwhelming. =) Though, it does make me wonder where the complaints are lurking...I know it's not perfect. =P But don't get me wrong. I sincerely thank all of those who have taken the time to write even a one-line review (*psst* Megan, I'll let you in on a little secret - I log on everyday just to check on the reviews too ^_~). Thank you for continuing to stick with me, and please, if you know of anything definitive I can improve on, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Oh, and the reviewer listed as "* ()": as flattering as your review is, I think that might get me strung up by Mercedes Lackey's fans. o.O* So, maybe we should keep that sort of comment to a minimum, if I'm to survive long enough to finish this thing... whisper: Though, feel free to spam my e-mail with stuff like that anytime you want. Self-delusion is good for the ego.
I think, eventually, I'll move it past the first 2 days. _ If that didn't make any sense, don't worry, just ignore me.
The Words Between - part 4
For Kyn, there was no transition between sleep and wakefulness. He would simply open his eyes, and he would be as alert as he would ever be until he went to sleep again. The only times he had been caught in the strange, murky state of 'waking' had been when he was either ill or injured, and even visions and dreams, though they roamed freely on either side, never crossed the divide itself. It had always been thus, for as long as he could remember.
His entire life was defined in this way; with clear cut rules and lines, imposed either from within or without, as regular and predictable as water flowing downhill and stars staying fixed in the sky. It was the only reassurance he needed - the only one he had - that he would survive another day relatively unscathed if only he performed all rituals accordingly. Routine meant things were predictable. Routine meant he would be able to relax as much as he was ever allowed to, content in the knowledge that he would know how to confront whatever challenge presented itself.
Routine meant he was safe.
Thus it was that when he finally realized his shift to full consciousness was far more sluggish than it should have been, his first thought was to buy himself enough time to assess what had happened to cause the delay. Had he blundered enough that the swordsmaster had lost patience with him again and given him the flat of the sword against the side of the head? There was an unfamiliar ache in his body that was inconsistent with even a hard workout, though his head ached fiercely enough to corroborate the suspicion. Carefully relaxing all muscles, maintaining the same pattern of even, shallow breaths, he constructed the facade of a body still deeply asleep with the calculated ease of long practice. Best to assess who was near, and to ascertain their mood before alerting them that their charge was conscious again. There would be no pity if it had been his own foolish actions that had set him here...
:He's awake.:
Only, he hadn't counted on one extra factor that he had never had to guard against before. Sianni's announcement was enough to startle him into opening his eyes, the last day's - and night's - events suddenly rushing in, chagrin at having forgotten about her battling with the alarm of realizing she had managed to become so familiar to him, such a natural presence in his mind even in the short period they had been acquainted, that he had given himself away almost at the outset. And so his second muddy thought in the unfamiliar, hazy realm of half-sleep, was of fighting and escaping. To put as much distance between himself and the madness that had overtaken his life as possible.
Two things managed to keep him from jumping straight to his feet and taking the nearest exit that proffered itself: Alberich's hand planting itself in the middle of his chest, and the sudden spasming protest from over-wearied muscles.
Sucking a breath in sharply at the reminder of his less than ideal condition, it wasn't until the healer's coppery brown eyes hove into view that he managed to piece together a third, coherent thought, one that he managed to voice with reasonable clarity despite the dry rasp and lack of volume. "Why am I still alive?"
Nadia grimaced, something almost like sympathy flitting across her face before she looked up at Alberich standing beside the bed from her own position seated opposite. "Get some water, please? At this rate, he'll manage to strain his throat along with every other muscle in his body."
Kyn frowned at the joke made at his expense, but didn't have the will to care about it for very long, much less the will to voice a protest. Grudgingly, he also had to admit that he felt very much like what the healer had described; limp as a water-sodden dishcloth, one that had been wrung out a few times for good measure. He could barely recall a time when he had felt so...used up. Still, the very fact that he felt so horrid only meant that he was still occupying a body to feel at all, and bemusedly, he tried to raise a hand into his field of vision, just to check if it was still his own.
When he couldn't, he had given himself up as being in some god's joke of an afterlife when Nadia made a disapproving sound, pushing his arm down against the bed. "You're not going to be of much use for the next few days. And even then, it'll be touch and go for another few weeks. Maybe even months."
He blinked at her uncomprehendingly.
"The reason you're alive, Nadia is," Alberich filled in as he moved efficiently to prop up Kyn's head, holding a sand-smoothed wooden cup to his lips. "Pride of the Healer Collegia. Lucky you were, to have her talent with you tonight."
The healer sniffed, the momentary gentleness vanished as completely as if it too had been a dream. Gaze flinty as she watched Kyn's awkward attempts to swallow, she informed them coolly, "I did it for Sianni. She's already off her feed; if I hadn't done something, most likely I wouldn't be watching two patients, I would be watching none as they both slipped into the Havens."
Hadn't done something? What had they done? What had she done? Kyn thought, aaghast. He wasn't supposed to be alive. He was supposed to be dead. Free.
Alberich's eyes were unmoving on him, constantly watching, constantly assessing. When Kyn turned his head slightly, away from the cup, the weaponsmaster set it aside and laid him down again. "Tell him," he said in the ensuing silence.
Nadia blinked at the un-Herald. "What?"
Alberich nodded to Kyn, who had let his eyes fall half-closed, still dazed and limp as a landed fish. "Tell him what you saved him from. And what he will face in the future."
Kyn wasn't particularly interested in hearing. But protesting would have taken energy, and he didn't have any to spare right now. Exhausted by the simple act of keeping his head raised at the right angle to drink without choking, even with the Alberich's help, he was trying - rather successfully - to fall back asleep before they had a chance to ply him with more questions. Until he realized just what the healer was saying.
Nadia had passively disagreed with the weaponsmaster's decision in her lack of response, but with his too direct stare soon turned on her for her stubbornness, she squirmed and dropped her eyes to the coverlets, fingers unconsciously knotting and fussing with the hem of her tunic. "I don't know how much you know about the drugs," she began sullenly, speaking to the sheets beside Kyn's right shoulder, "because it's a rather uncommon combination you've been dosed with. It's also the deepest addiction I've ever seen in someone so young. Five? Six? Is that when you started, a decade ago?" Twisted curiosity warred with pricked pride, and she finally glanced sidelong toward her charge. "It's probably why your build is still so slight. I don't think you'll ever quite reach the height or breadth you might have without the drugs' influences, and there are quite a few other irregularities...it'll take time to sort out."
Addiction? What was the girl talking about? "Drugs...poison...?" Kyn husked, brow furrowing.
Nadia arched one slender dark brow with a light snort. "Poison? It's a form of one, if you list its effects. But not one that kills immediately; not one that might have killed at all, normally. But you don't seem to do anything by half measures. Some of your symptoms looked like it came from anceele seed, others from smokebalm weed. I wouldn't be surprised if it were some concoction with half a dozen other elements in it. The shock alone when you didn't receive your usual dosage after so many years of dependency would have been enough to overwhelm you. I've never seen someone succumb to anything so quickly before."
Addiction. Not a poison, after all, though strictly speaking, it was just poison of another sort. Unless the Heralds were lying. Why? How would it gain more information from him? By trying to turn him against Master? He worried and prodded at the morsels of information that had been imparted to him, when his sluggish mind finally followed one particular line of thought to its conclusion.
Alberich nodded, something in Kyn's face giving him away. "Cushioning the effects, Nadia saved you. But the last time, this won't be."
"The later episodes won't necessarily be easier on you either," Nadia added, her tone flat and uncompromising.
Kyn let his head sag to the side on the pillow, eyes closing completely. Yes, this was something he could understand. Relief from the 'fits', in exchange for information. Either suffer through them alone for the months ahead, or impart what he knew and receive...what? Another addiction, chained to the healer for the surcease from pain she could bring?
He was sitting in his room, the one in the old, decaying manse just outside the capitol, scooted just far enough to the edge of the bed that his feet were able to reach the ground, hands laying calmly on his knees. There was an unnatural chill to the air, despite the clear sunlight streaming through two small windows set high in the wall, its warmth drained hungrily by the undressed stone blocks that comprised the room's dimensions, unsoftened by rugs or tapestries. His desk stood silently to one side, attended only by a plain chair, an unlit lamp, and the materials needed for writing. Kyn frowned as he contemplated the furniture.
His desk was in the wrong place; it had been moved into the corner two years ago. His pallet, too, felt a little too thick. Another vision, then...no, a dream. His visions always reflected the future, never the past. But when there was a knock on the door, he could only sit there and stare at the plain-faced door, wondering numbly if this really wasn't a future-vision.
No one had ever knocked. They had simply walked in. Am I going to return? Will I escape? Or will Master have caught - rescued me? Another knock shook him out of his reveries, and he belatedly called out, "Who is it?"
"Nadia."
How could this be? Nadia, in Master's home. Was this past or future or simple dreaming? The future often erred, especially since the sole purpose of his visions was to warn him that the future needed changing, but the past was done. There was no changing how things went before, and this 'dream' had the clarity and detail that belonged to memories, rather than fever wanderings such as the nightmare he had recently suffered.
"May I come in?"
He wondered if she would go away if he said no.
"No, I wouldn't. I have questions."
He scowled. That was becoming an all too familiar trick of the Heralds and their Companions. Standing, he walked over and jerked the door open. "Will you stay out of my head?" he snarled.
Nadia stood on the threshold into his room with a determined look on her face. Oddly enough, she was not dressed in the healer's greens that he had seen her wear in their two, brief sessions, but a simple off-white shirt and suede leggings. Incongruously, her feet were slipped into a pair of hemp-woven sandals, much like what fisherfolk often donned. "I have," she responded tartly, not at all cowed. "You just have to learn to stay in it. Now are you going to invite me in?"
Simmering, he deliberately made her wait for a few, long heartbeats before swinging aside, bowing her in with ill grace. "Certainly, m'lady, since you insisted," he bit off.
She swept past him without acknowledging any of his petty jabs, looking around with an interest he found disturbing considering their austere surroundings. There was little, after all, that required such a thorough examination to be understood in its entirety. "Amazing," she murmured to herself as if he didn't exist. "The level of detail, all so loyal to the real memory rather than relying on symbolism..."
"What are you doing here?" Kyn interrupted harshly, shoving the door closed with more force than was strictly necessary and folding his arms. "For that matter, where is 'here', beyond the fact that it resembles a place I've known."
"It's your room," Nadia responded cheerfully, as if he didn't already know and she didn't already know he knew. "This has all been constructed by you in your mind, a sort of waking dream based on memory. With Sianni and someone else's help, I was able to slip myself into your construct." She tilted her head, turning that unsettlingly searching gaze on him. "I am here in an unofficial capacity, if you will. Thus, the lack of uniform and the meeting taking place somewhere you feel safe in." She wrinkled her nose. "Sianni put me up to the idea, because she felt you would dismiss her out of hand. But I'll admit I'm curious myself, so I agreed."
Safe? Nowhere was truly 'safe'. A wall could very well fall in on a person, or some rock drop out of the sky, beyond those dangers coming from those who would wish a body ill. But this room was his. And as his territory, he supposed he felt more reassured here than anywhere else. Still, it was a load of horse crap that he had never heard before, and would prefer not to hear more of. "If you're here to talk, then talk." She could talk until her metaphysical voice was hoarse for all he cared. He wasn't going to be sticking around to listen.
"I'm going to talk, but you're also going to stay to hear me out," she said as he started for the door. Inviting herself to a seat on his bed, she smiled smugly when he slowly turned to glare at her. "I am going to get some straight answers from you, right here, right now. I don't believe you're as ignorant as Heralds Alberich and Melidee think. I know you know a lot more about this 'Master' of yours simply from the room. I believe you actually had regular contact with the 'master' and that this wasn't the first task he'd set you out to do."
"If this truly is my dream, you think you can hold me against my will?" he asked in low, dangerous tones.
Sobering, Nadia shook her head. "That's not the purpose of my visit. As your healer, I've been privy to things about you that perhaps only your Chosen knows, and I'm looking for some way to piece it all together that makes sense. You've yet to be fully tested, but I know of at least your Foresight. I also saw the potential for Mindspeech - which is already struggling out of latency - and ironically, empathy." Her mouth twisted into a sardonic smile. "Wouldn't that put a crimp in your current occupation if it was developed fully."
For a breathless moment, he couldn't see anything, he was so furious. How dare she?! Ever since he had been trapped by a Companion's eyes, all he had been told were lies and half-truths, made to expect one thing and then shown another. He could comprehend being tortured for information. He could understand it if they tossed him in the deepest, darkest, dankest cell and forgot about him. But to have himself read like a book, for no apparent reason than to torment him with how few defenses he had against them? It was an incomprehensible cruelty. As he gaped at her, one thought surfaced from the maelstrom: if they would not let him die, then they could take his stead.
Lips peeling back, he leaped almost before the idea crystallized into coherence, hands outstretched, ready to snap her neck, crush the delicate cartilage in her throat, to thrust the splinters of a broken nose into her brain, half a dozen other ways to silence her permanently with no tools at hand, if only to stop the wholesale pillaging of his identity...
You will not harm her!
Suddenly, the world vanished. When it reappeared in less than a blink of an eye, it was ten feet forward and six feet lower than it had been. Shocked out of his murderous frenzy, Kyn's reflexes took over as he twisted, cat-like, to get his feet beneath him before he hit the floor. Only partially successful with the relatively short distance he had, he stumbled to one knee, flinging out his hands to brace himself. Panting, he slowly turned his head to stare at the healer.
Nadia had barely moved, putting up a brave front, but he could see in her dilated pupils and the whiteness around her mouth and knuckles how discomposed she was. In her voice, too, there was a tremble she tried valiantly to hide as she commented, "I would not suggest trying that again."
"Who was that?" Kyn whispered hoarsely, eyes wide, reluctant to move with hands, feet, and one knee planted on the solid-seeming floor, ignoring the heat leeched from the points of contact by shadow-chilled stones. "What happened?"
Her lips compressed to a thin, disapproving line, Nadia carefully uncurled her fingers from the bedspread and tried to fold them casually in her lap. "That was my lifebonded, Miklo. He insisted on monitoring the meeting, in case...something like this happened." It was an even gamble whether she was more upset by Miklo's being right or by the unexpected attack. "His gift is Fetching. Sianni augmented it just enough to move you out of immediate range. Though we are not exactly 'corporeal' here, the body - and Gift - is still subject to the limitations of the mind." She seemed to debate with herself for a moment before she admitted, "You shouldn't have been able to hear him. He doesn't claim Mindspeech as one of his gifts."
"They...'fetched' me? Lifebonded?" The anger was wholly gone now, but in its place there was nothing but a swirl of confusion circling the void where it had been. He felt as if he had just been tossed into a pond of freezing water; too numb yet to feel the cold, too shocked to understand the danger he was in, too belated to do more than hold his breath as his senses tried to sort themselves out.
"Lifebonded is...is..." she blew out a breath in frustration, rolling her eyes ceilingward as she searched for the words. Finally, she waved a hand absently and said, "We are bound, heart and soul. We know each other like no other, better than we know ourselves. We are part of a whole. If Miklos were to die..." She grimaced. "Havens forbid...in all actuality, I would most likely follow him."
Kyn stared at her, horrified. That's what a lifebond was? "How...how likely are lifebonds to happen?" he half-croaked.
She looked at him suspiciously. "I don't know. I know only a bare handful by name, but it's not an uncommon occurrence."
As she spoke, his heart doubled its pace in sympathetic reaction. To be tied to someone so closely, not even death could part them? And to have no choice in the matter? To have such an occurrence be something frequent enough that nobody took special notice of it! How did Valdemar survive with such vulnerabilities in its people; taking in assassins without question, binding couples unto death, effectively doubling their chances of being incapacitated or killed?
"In fact," she continued on blithely, "I'd say it's not unlike being Chosen by a Companion. It just...happens. And the bond runs deep enough that there are dozens of stories of Heralds or Companions not surviving the loss of their partner, sometimes by choice - Kyn?" Nadia interrupted herself with a frown, not quite willing yet to reach out to him, but perhaps a healer's instincts prodding her to ask after his wellbeing.
He could only mutely shake his head in reply, laboriously pushing himself to his feet and staggering back a step.
How had he come to these straits? Even if he was no longer in fear of losing his life if he didn't check in with Master every fortnight, he had only traded one set of shackles for another. The Valdemarans were illogical, weak, hideously exposed to innumerable threats...and he had been claimed by them as completely, as matter-of-factly, as a stray puppy by ignorant children. "Hypocrites," he whispered.
Nadia flinched, surprised. "What?"
"Hypocrites!" he hissed again, more emphatically though scarcely louder than before. It seemed as if dismay had stolen his breath temporarily, if not all his wits. "You dangle 'freedom' before me like a carrot before a mule, and even as I perform for you, you remind me of the reins!"
Her eyes flew wide, and a small corner of his mind noted grudgingly that she looked honestly surprised. "Wha - Kyn! Where in Havens did you get that idea? We would never - "
"No more!" he suddenly cried out, nearly shocking himself as badly as her. "No more," he repeated in a lower, but no less vehement tone, whirling around to head toward the door. No more claims to my life, my actions, my skills. Just...no more.
:You demean Nadia and the bond she has with Miklo with such thinkings.:
For all the patience displayed in the even tone, for once he caught a hint of true anger in Sianni's reproach. No more reprimands couched in playful teasing. No more overtones of fond indulgence padding the sharper edges of cutting words. As he expected, the magnanimity extended only so far as the worth of his perceived usefulness. As soon as he became more trouble than he was worth...
:We will not discard you simply because we have gotten what we wanted!: He could almost see her stamp a fore hoof in exasperation. :Oh, why did I ever Choose such a stubborn and thick-headed one as you? I merely wished to point out that you do Nadia a disservice, as well as all lifebonded.: In a softer tone, she added, :Not to mention all Companions and their Chosen. Do you really feel as if you are a slave? Have I treated you so ill?:
"Stop it!" he cried aloud, clutching his head, clenching his fingers in his hair as if to physically draw the voice out. For all that Master did to him, even he had never invaded his thoughts, set up a permanent residence in his mind, leaving nothing to himself. Even if Kyn had had no privacy in reality, he had at least had the option of withdrawing, but now even that small comfort was taken from him if he wasn't constantly on his guard. "It's all your fault! I had no questions before, I knew exactly what was expected of me...I was happy!"
"Do you really believe that?"
In the time that he had paused to retort to Sianni, Nadia had recollected herself, face flushed, eyes gleaming with a fire that might have given even him pause while focused on assignment, much less while he was so off-balance.
"I - " he managed stammeringly before she jabbed a finger toward him while rising to her feet, cutting him off.
"I don't think so," she decided for him. "Content, maybe, because that was all you had, but not happy. Havens only know if you even know what happiness is, from the way you carry on! Or maybe you were happy, in a perverted, masochistic way. But for all your faults, Kyn - and believe me, you have quite a double handful of them - I never thought to count cowardice among them."
He bristled, spluttered a bit, before getting past the false start with a roundly imaginative, "I am not a coward!"
Her eyes narrowed. "Aren't you? Faced with change, you run and hide. You would even rather face Death than adapt. The ultimate solution to anything you don't want to deal with; go away and leave it all behind. If that is not a mark of a coward, then I don't know what is."
This time, he welcomed the anger purely for the clearness that followed in its wake. All the foggy concerns gave way before the diamondine point of his anger coalesced, though wariness of outside observers kept him at a distance from the healer. "You think it was easy, facing death?" he whispered fiercely. Nadia's expression faltered, something in his own face causing her to retreat with a hint of uncertainty. "Do you think the thought of my heart stopping, the breath freezing in my lungs, my body rotting away while I - I either cease to exist or am carried off to whatever hell is reserved for unrepentant killers...do you think all of that is just a pleasant night's dreaming?" Dragging in a deep breath in an attempt to control himself, he bit off the rest of what he was going to say. He would be damned if he let a child's old terror continue to hound him now. It did not matter to him anymore, if there were no others to remember him whenever Master finally decided to quit this life. Some time ago, he had told himself that it would actually be preferable to just fade away, with not even memories to bind him any longer.
For a moment, she stared at him, not quite slack-jawed, but completely at a loss for words. Just as he was about to turn away in disgust, her chin firmed and a glint of defiance straightened her posture. "A poor excuse at best. All of us will meet with the same end eventually, so there is no use in being afraid of it. However, we can choose when - and how - we meet it. I would rather meet death knowing I had confronted and defeated what found me in life than because I could not accept it."
"Don't feed me that line, lifebonded," he said acidly, looking to wound, and having the dubious satisfaction of drawing blood as she flinched.
Hurt, however, soon gave way to pity, and somehow that one look was more cutting than anything she could have said. "You don't understand, because there's nothing in your experience that you can equate it to," she said slowly, as if trying to explain to an especially dense child. "The comfort that Miklo provides me, the security...to have someone always be there when you have need, to help you celebrate and to ease your tears, to devote their lives to the one goal of making you happy..."
"And that is all worth the void that will steal your life with it if he dies?" he interrupted sharply.
Nadia nodded without hesitation. "It is. And it is not the void that would steal me...I would choose to go with him."
"From the loneliness, I suppose," he drawled, turning away. "So dependent on him that you can't continue without him. Forgive me, but it seems that what you're praising is a fate I wouldn't wish on my bitterest enemies."
"If so, then I don't know why in the world you would wish such a fate on someone who loves you unconditionally. Sianni would pine away if you were selfish enough to hide from life through death."
:Interfered enough you have, Healer.:
The un-Herald's characteristic speech pattern, even if there wasn't a certain 'flavor' to give the mindspeaker's identity away. Interestingly enough, Nadia blanched, revealing just how 'unofficial' this visit really was. :I got him to actually talk to me...:
:Later, Nadia. Not before the boy.:
Nadia bit her lip, glanced toward Kyn guiltily, and stood. :I'll be right there.:
"Why don't you just carry on the conversation around me?" he asked bitterly. "I know you can do it."
"Because Alberich is trying to accord you some measure of politeness," Nadia tried to snap, but had her stern tone ruined by a wince. "I said I was coming!" she called out, grumbled, and then cast Kyn a glower. It soon softened with a sigh, though, and she said, "I'm sorry to have disturbed your rest, Kyn." She reached out as if to touch his face, though half the room separated them.
Forewarned, he let the room fade away even as he evaded her mental touch, her haste and distraction just enough to keep her from noticing. You, he sent to that place inside himself labeled Sianni. If you wish for any chance at conciliation, do not warn them that I am aware.
There was reluctance, and a touch of pain at his suspicion. But he cared for none of it except for the assent that eventually came. :As you wish, Chosen.:
Kyn had forgotten the aches that seemed to have become embedded in his very bones in his last few, conscious hours. Head swimming, stomach lurching, muscles complaining with sharp, shooting pains, he nearly gave himself away in the startling transition between the wholeness of his dream self to reality. Still, his concern for the conversation nearby was enough that physical ailments claimed a distant second for his attention, and thanked whatever gods existed that Nadia was being distraction enough for herself and Alberich together that his few twitches went unnoticed.
"Not your place it was, Healer."
"Yes it was. As soon as you asked me to treat a killer, I had a right to know what - who - I was saving."
It was a strange sensation, knowing there was an eavesdropper on his eavesdropping...and not caring. Somewhat like have someone constantly peering over one's shoulder. But if nothing else, Kyn was absolutely certain that once given, Sianni would not renege on her promise not to interfere, and felt oddly comfortable with the arrangement if not completely at ease, and even the latter arose solely out of habit. He didn't dwell too long on the whys of his sudden trust in her, when he had just recently accused the entire collegium of being liars.
"Not like your experiments this situation is! There is no starting over if you misstep! Already, you risk much; if Sianni and Miklo had not watched..."
"You weren't making any progress," Nadia continued stubbornly. "And they were watching, and nothing came of it. Don't you understand? His talents and training are unique. I don't know if it's a product of his upbringing, or the drugs, or both...there are signs of other sources of tampering as well that I hesitate to ponder right now, but if you want to find out anything on what he was sent to hide by silencing the merchant - "
There was a low, rumbling growl, startlingly feline for all that it came from a human throat, and just as intimidating. Kyn was thoroughly impressed by the un-Herald on a whole new level...and oddly, felt compelled to proffer the same token of respect to the healer who did not back down before him. "Dabbling in deep waters you are now. Know you what nonsense you are spouting?"
"Yes, yes, I have no idea what I'm talking about. But don't you see? I know just enough to be dangerous to you now. It was unavoidable; he's not properly shielded, I had to reach him on a certain level in order to save him, certain facts were passed along the connection. So to save yourself a lot of grief and trouble later, you might as well let me in on the entire thing so that I won't unintentionally blunder through one of your schemes."
There was a long pause, and Kyn resisted the urge to slit his eyes open, just for the experience of seeing the willowy healer try to out-argue a veteran fighter topping her by a head and a half. "Just because circumstances fall conveniently in place does not your actions make right."
:If you were curious, I would have been willing to tell you without your needing to resort to duplicity.:
He didn't quite scoff. :I did you all a disfavor in killing the merchant, did I not? Why would you describe your strategies to your opponent's pawn?:
Sianni sighed wearily. :Perhaps, by setting an example, I will finally get through to you. For weeks now, there have been hints of outside influences and dealings in the court. Far more centralized, far more organized, far more dangerous than the usual plots and conspiracies that usually plague the political arena. The chief troublemaker appears to be a duke who claims holdings along the East Trade Road, but there is evidence that he is either not acting alone, or someone else entirely is in control. Merely the figurehead, Duke - :
If Kyn had his eyes open, he might have blinked. She was actually doing it. She was telling him the machinations that had moved him and other agents across the board. Except, quite suddenly, he was very certain that he didn't want to - should not - know of them. :Wait!: he called out, interrupting her before she could start naming names.
:Yes, Chosen?: she responded calmly.
A little too calmly. There was the slightest touch of annoyance at being manipulated so easily - and by a horse, for light's sake, even though he knew intellectually that Sianni was much more than just a 'horse'. But it was quickly subsumed by the realization that in his directionless flailing about, he had nearly compromised everything. Bewildered by the turn of events and utterly confounded by the alien logic that Heralds and their Companions propounded, it still did not excuse his panic and stubborn refusal to learn everything possible of them and his situation, to possibly turn it to his advantage. It took Sianni's blithe recital of information that he instinctively knew he shouldn't know without risk to life and usefulness to remind him he was not lost completely, that he didn't believe himself to be completely irretrievable. If he had been truly unsalvageable, it wouldn't have mattered if he had heard or not, that he possessed sensitive information that could do irreparable harm if it fell in the wrong hands. Beyond the immediate goal of his assignment, he still had a purpose, that which was given to him by Master.
And damn Sianni if she hadn't deliberately maneuvered him into seeing it all. Instead of the usual resentment and fear, though, there was a growing sense of grudging respect. The Companion might be unreasonably agreeable, but she had just proven she could be as conniving as Master if she wanted to be. :Why am I here, at your 'collegium'?: he asked Sianni sullenly.
There was a disgusting lack of smugness to the feel of her voice. In fact, she seemed positively cheerful; he could all but imagine her arching her neck and prancing about like some demented, four-legged white fairy. :I Chose you, and so you are now a Herald-in-training. You will be taught the history of Valdemar, its laws and its people, and the skills necessary for you to survive in the field. You will be prepared for every situation that your teachers can imagine you'll encounter in your missions for Valdemar and the queen. And when you have passed all the tests and requirements, you will be given Whites, and made a full-fledged Herald.: She seemed pretty certain that he would be able to make Herald status, when he wasn't even sure Alberich would be willing to let him out of his sight without a circle of guards posted on him. She also seemed pretty certain that he would be letting them stuff him into their mold of a Herald. But he didn't need his visions - his 'Foresight', the healer had called it - to know that she was right in the latter assessment...at least, for the time being. Reconnaissance work aside, he would do Master no good if he got himself executed or locked away.
:How do I start this 'training' business?:
He told himself that the ghostly nudge against his shoulder, as if a soft muzzle had been pushed against his back, urging him forward, was just his imagination, or perhaps delusions were another symptom of withdrawal. :Just tell them that you're ready to become a Herald.:
Kyn didn't think it was quite as easy as that, beyond which, he wasn't sure if he really wanted to become a Herald yet. Still, if Sianni claimed that it would work...
"Questions?!" Nadia was saying stridently. He had let his awareness of the physically audible conversation drop as he had conversed with Sianni, and he was almost sorry now to have missed what led up to the current subject as the healer stamped a foot and fumed, "Of him! Aren't you the least little bit curious in that thick soldier's skull of yours?"
:The un-Herald has a lot more patience than I thought he would.:
:Alberich is full of surprises. Why, just the other day it was rumored he cracked a smile. A small one, to be sure, but genuine all the same.:
:And the healer is far too excitable.:
:Give her time. Age will mellow her out. Eventually.:
Nadia continued to all but harangue the weaponsmaster. "Why was he Chosen? Havens, he still had the man's blood drying on him! I thought Companions only Choose those who would put Valdemar and its people before themselves, who would be willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. It's rumored that Companions are never wrong," sarcasm there, sharp enough to cut the tongue that wielded it, "but what could Sianni have possibly found in an assassin? What is his use to Valdemar? And what - and who - has stunted the growth of not only his body but his mind? He has little more grasp of things than a child."
Child? A vague sense of disgruntlement clouded his thoughts before it was dismissed as irrelevant.
"Child?" the un-Herald echoed his thoughts so closely, there was a panicked moment in which Kyn thought he had inadvertently spoken out loud. But no, fast upon the sound of confusion, Nadia hurried on, pell-mell.
"You didn't feel it, his fear? It's the only redeeming thing he can claim right now. Certainly not regret. Not remorse. I don't even know if he really understands what the words mean, outside of a hypothetical context. But behind all that rigid posturing, there's an almost unreasoning, purely instinctive fear that any child might have for something they don't understand. And for all his training - I have no doubt his master is one of the gentry, from the mannerisms he's been taught - he has just about as much understanding for anything outside of his current 'career' as a ground burrower knows about flying. He's been sheltered to an unimaginable degree."
"Suggest you then that this 'Master' be his father?"
"Perhaps, in a surrogate sense. There's a lot more ties between 'Master' and Kyn than simply employer and employee. Kyn was living in the same place as him, I'm certain of it...for a very long time." A short pause, in which Nadia made a thoughtful sound. "'Master' and 'kin'. I wonder if there's a joke somewhere in that."
Father. Inside, Kyn prodded the concept as if it were a newly discovered cavity in a tooth. Funny, how that question had never worried him before, the concept of his origin and conception. He knew of fathers. Knew he must have had one, along with a mother. Knew also that neither were present in his memory. But the application of the idea to himself had simply never concerned him...and he wondered why that was, when its mere mention now wove little knots of apprehension and doubt in his chest. But other matters required seeing to first. Resolutely, he refocused his meandering thoughts and opened his eyes, blinking at the crusty feel at their corners.
Alberich snorted softly. "Beside the point all that is. His current placement is what concerns me now."
The healer looked much as Kyn imagined she would: stiff, defensive, fists clenched by her sides. She might have looked quite formidable, if she wasn't craning her head back to meet the decidedly unruffled weaponsmaster's gaze. "That should be blindingly obvious. You can't lock him up forever. He's Chosen! You have an obligation to him as such."
Alberich's smile was mirthless. "Note the 'you' I do, instead of 'we'. Havoc you cause, and the mess you leave for others to clean." Then, even that small token of amusement vanished. "What would you have me do? What he is capable of, you have seen yourself when Miklo and Sianni's intervention became necessary. Have him put with the other Trainees? Asking for trouble you are, the most dangerous kind."
"I do not kill indiscriminately."
Nadia visibly started, eyes wide as she spun around, but the weaponsmaster seemed to be not at all surprised by the husky whisper that interrupted them. Eyes narrowing, Alberich merely folded his arms and regarded Kyn with a speculative look. "Not proven beyond doubt, considering your performance a half candlemark ago in particular."
Kyn's eyes slid toward the healer. "She deserved it."
Nadia's mouth worked, but no sound came out until her fair skin abruptly flushed and she snapped, "You're not supposed to be awake!"
Alberich didn't even bother acknowledging the exclamation. And neither did he outwardly deny that the healer had been receiving her just desserts, Kyn noted with no little amusement. "And what's to stop you now? Already it is shown your master has many holds, beyond what you were trained to do on reflex alone. What assurance can you give that the collegium will not be plagued by accidents and deaths in the near future?"
Taking a deep breath, Kyn scraped up as much honesty as he was able to, threatened Sianni in afterthought that if she gainsaid him she would wake up one morning shaved bald, and said, "Because I wish to become a Herald."