"I didn't help you because I wanted to."

"Yeah? Then why?"

"I like pickin' things up when they fall."

"How hobo of you."

"Ah, get bent."

-Gojyo & Sanzo. Saiyuki Manga.

Chapter 8: Crash

Goku watched Sanzo as he drew pictures in the dirt. The once elder man's hair fell into his eyes and held a shaggy appearance. It reminded Goku of those days when Sanzo would work for hours on end and shake his hair in frustration. It was clear Sanzo had been depressed the last few days and Goku was pretty certain he knew why, but didn't know what to do about it. This type of thing was something Hakkai always handled, but Hakkai didn't seem to want to talk about the subject at the moment. So, Goku polished an apple on his shirt and went over to plop down next to the smaller boy and do the best job he knew how. "Want an apple?"

"No thank-you." Kouryuu continued his tracing. If he could get the dirt to stay in place, he might actually be able to write out a few of his lessons. He had already fallen much to far behind in his studies. If he didn't get any practice in, Master Sanzo might be upset when he got to see him again. "I'm not hungry. Hakkai already made me eat too much for lunch."

Goku frowned as the boy kept writing. Sanzo didn't even look up when Goku addressed him. The elder demon poked the boy in the shoulder and frowned when he didn't get a reaction. The Sanzo he knew should have at least swatted at him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Kouryuu wished that Goku would just go away. He was distracting and loud and the stupid dirt just wouldn't stay put.

"You don't sound fine." Goku's frown deepened further when Sanzo continued to ignore him. So, in retaliation Goku ruffled the boy's hair and grinned when he earned a pout and his hand was smacked away. "What's the matter?"

Kouryuu brushed the bit of dirt Goku had deposited on his head out of his hair and off of his hands before sighing. Looks like he would have to borrow paper or something from Hakkai later to practice. "I don't think you'd understand."

"And why not?" Goku took a small bite of the apple out of the side of his mouth. Held the piece in his cheek for a moment before remembering he had brought it for Sanzo. After a guilty swallow, he forced a grin. Sanzo had said he wasn't hungry anyway. "I've been through a lot, I'll have you know."

Kouryuu took Goku in for a moment and considered. That might be a true statement and he might know what the boy was feeling. At the very least Kouryuu could humor him for a bit, Goku deserved that much. And then maybe he'd take a hint and let Kouryuu study. "I'm trying to remember my lessons."

"Why would you want to work when you're basically on a vacation?" Goku stretched out a few cricks in his back. He could relax a little now that Sanzo was talking again. Jerking the kinks out of his neck next, Goku laughed a little. "If it was me, I'd totally put it off."

Kouryuu frowned and shoved at Goku's knees as they brushed against his own. They pushed up a few inches, but fell right back down again. The boy growled a little and gave them a harder shove. They just refused to stop touching him! "I don't want to fall too behind the others. I do eventually want to earn a name in the faith, you know. If I don't study, I'll fail my lessons and then I'll never get past acolyte."

Goku paused again, barely registering Sanzo trying to push his legs out of the boy's personal space. It was so weird hearing Sanzo speak in support of the stuff that they did at the temple. Normally he hated all of it and ignored them or yelled at them, or just sat and smoked. Well, he did all the paperwork for some reason, and the assignments, but that doesn't mean he was happy when he did them. Goku usually just assumed he did it to get out of teaching lectures or something like that. But this, this was different. "It surprises me that you're in to all that stuff."

"And why is that?" Kouryuu huffed and just let Goku's knees rest on his thighs. He was too tired to keep pushing at them. "You don't think I'm good enough?"

"No, nothing like that." Goku laughed. "If anything, you're way too smart for your age."

"Then what are you surprised about?"

"You just seem like the type who wouldn't believe in any of it." Goku poked him in the arm again. Sanzo got the cutest look on his face whenever he scowled. Goku chuckled to himself when he imagined Hakkai's masochism was brushing off on him. "Let alone follow the book strictly. I'd think you'd be more skeptical about the whole thing."

"Well," Kouryuu smudged the little bit of writing he had made back into the ground and cleared his slate. He drew a little picture of a peach instead and smiled a little when he realized he had Goku's full attention. "It's not like I really like any of it. Most of it's boring and the other monks are mostly jerks."

"Then why do it?" Goku gave up his will power and took another bite of the apple. It wasn't his fault Sanzo was drawing food and making him hungry. Or that it was just sitting there all nice and pretty begging to be eaten or anything.

"It's what Master Sanzo wants." Kouryuu's voice became much softer as he drew little branches from his peach. He tried to remember what the tree in the yard looked like. The big one that Master Sanzo would always smoke behind. "I'd do anything for him."

That last sentence made Goku pause in his chew. The tone of his voice and the slight feel of awe hit Goku hard in the gut. He knew that feeling better than anyone else and hearing it from Sanzo sent a little chill down his spine. It was a disturbing feeling. "Even if you hated it?"

"Master Sanzo saved me." Kouryuu smiled just a little as he continued talking. It'd been a long time since he'd talked like this about Master. "So, I'll do whatever he wants me to do. I want to make him proud more than anything else."

"You really love this guy, don't you." Goku drawled out slowly. He was trying to make his brain process the information he was getting. Sanzo never talked about himself, and maybe this was his chance to find out what makes Sanzo so sad. He had never known that there was someone else Sanzo had really cared about. Other than small hints at it, and from what he had picked up about his master, Goku never had much to work with. At the very least, Sanzo had never been so open about his feelings and Goku was anxious.

"Yeah." Kouryuu finally looked up to see Goku's face. It had gotten very morose and was making Kouryuu worry a little. If the kid had learned anything, it's that Goku needs to have a happier expression. "I'm sorry, I've made you feel bad somehow. I just really miss Master Sanzo and I was sure I'd have gotten to see him by now. I can't stop thinking about him, so I guess I couldn't stop talking about him either. Do you have someone like that, too?"

At first, the hungry boy had to blink and take in the long stream of words that had come out of the boy's mouth. Goku smiled a little and sat the apple down in between the two of them, fingered the stem a bit. He knew exactly what that felt like. "Yeah, I do. I know exactly how you feel. But, I'm still a little hurt you're so lonely with all of us around."

"I'm not lonely, exactly." Kouryuu pulled his knees up to his chest and tilted his head. Goku's mood seemed to have improved a little bit, though he did stop eating. That still left a nagging feeling. Kouryuu picked up the apple and studied the indents of Goku's teeth. On the edges were slightly bigger marks where Goku's incisors had hit the skin. "I just miss him."

Goku couldn't bring himself to tell the boy the truth. All he could think of were the honeyed words Sanzo wanted to hear. "I'm sure you'll see him soon enough."

"Yeah, Hakkai said we'd be going back soon." Kouryuu rolled his foot. "I just want to see him now."

"Argh, this is making me depressed." Goku fell onto his back and looked up at Sanzo. He had somehow captured the boy's total attention, and that made him feel pretty good. "Let's talk about something happy. How did he save you, this master of yours? You keep telling me that he did, but you've yet to say how."

"He pulled me out of the river."

"You fell in?" Goku put his arms behind his head and watched as Sanzo's face darkened slightly.

"No." Kouryuu spoke very quietly and picked at the apple peal a bit. He plucked off a section and dropped it to the ground. "Someone threw me in when I was a baby. I guess they didn't want me."

"They're losers to not have wanted you." Goku sat up a little and punched the boy in the arm. Laughed when Sanzo dropped the apple even after struggling to keep a hold of it. Goku picked it up and finished in a single bite. "You're a good kid."

"Master thinks so, too. He said he heard me calling him, so he had to go pick me up so I'd shut up. I don't quite know what he means though. He tells me all the time, though."

"Calling you say?" Goku laughed and thought of the first time he met Sanzo. "No wonder you two were meant for each other, right?"

"I guess." Kouryuu stood up and brushed off his pants. "Now you're just acting weird. Let's go see what the others are doing."

"Sounds good." Goku grinned and bounded up to his feet. "I'll race ya!"

"Hey!" Kouryuu shouted and started chasing after the other boy. "No fair! You got a head start!"

"Life's not fair!"

"Oh shut up!" Kouryuu laughed as he ran. "I'm going to catch you!"

"What are you smiling about this time?" Ms. Hwang leaned over Nii's shoulder and stared at his monitor. He had that little boy on the screen again. Sometimes she really wondered whether or not the man was a pedophile.

"Nothing you'd find interesting, my dear." Nii watched the monitor closely and switched the screen to another conversation. If things timed out right, he might have another chance at grabbing the boy. But for now, he had more fun things to attend to. "But speaking of interesting things, seems our Lady got some fun news."

Hwang's face turned beet red and she nearly dropped her clipboard. She cleared her throat of the phlegm that had gathered quickly and straightened her glasses out. "That so?"

"It seems someone informed her of my latest plaything." Nii yanked at his rabbit's ears and pulled the bunny back and forth. Smiled a bit when Hwang got twitchy. "Might you know who that be?"

"Don't, don't be absurd." Hwang jammed her head to the side. She put on a convincing sneer as she stared at the other wall. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're a horrible liar." Nii tilted his head to match the rabbits in a mirror image. This woman was easier to read than a book. "If you're jealous, you should find better outlets."

"Jealous?" Hwang slammed her palm onto the desktop and her lab coat flung open with the force of it. "Who the hell would I be jealous of?"

"You see, that's the part I haven't figured out. I know that you're jealous that I and our beloved Lady are," Nii paused. "Intimate."

"This is ridiculous." Hwang crossed her arms. "I don't have to deal with this; you don't pay me enough."

"But I've yet to figure out which one of us it is you're jealous of." Dr. Nii laughed outright as Hwang fumed. This was one kettle he wanted to see explode. Steam did make things move. He needed a few gears turning and a certain train on track anyway.

"You're disgusting."

"So it is the Lady then." Nii picked his rabbit up and moved the little arms. "I did tell you she'd take you if you wanted."

Hwang snatched the creepy little rabbit and threw it across the room. Nii barely flinched and she stomped her foot. The rabbit squeaked as it smacked into the floor across the room and all sound deadened. Hwang swallowed and started speaking just to get some noise going. "Just you wait. You'll get yours one of these days, Nii."

"Until then." Dr. Nii stood from his chair and grabbed a hold of his assistant's chin. He tilted her head back enough that he could look her in the eyes. He saw fear there and was content. "Stay out of my business and stop involving me in your pillow talk."

Hwang hit the desk when the man shoved her back. She got control of her breathing after she realized it had accelerated. Hwang had forgotten the man walking away to pick up a stuffed bunny was dangerous. It had almost cost her life to make him angry. As the man brushed dirt off that white fake fur she reminded herself to never touch the rabbit.

"Shit." Gojyo squatted on the ground and growled.

"I know, I'm running out of ideas to tell Sanzo."

"No, Hakkai," Gojyo picked up the lone white stick from the ground and waved it in front of his friend's face. "I dropped my last cigarette."

Hakkai frowned.

"Okay! Okay!" Gojyo waved his hands in front of him in surrender. "I'm paying attention! Jeesh, don't lose your temper so fast."

"I wouldn't if you would take this seriously, Gojyo." Hakkai pet Jeep on the head in an attempt to calm himself down. The little dragon cooed sympathetically under his touch and it worked a little. But it did nothing for the headache. "I'm really at a loss on what we're going to do about this. He's already asking me about it!"

"Can't we just tell him we're lost or something?" Gojyo flicked dirt off his Hi-Lite. There had to be someway to salvage the thing and smoke it. With Hakkai freaking out all over the place he was going to need that nicotine like he needed the air he breathed.

"That might work for a little bit, but knowing him he'd try and ask someone for directions." Hakkai stomped over to his friend and yanked the cigarette from him. "Pay attention."

Gojyo sighed and thrust his hands in his pockets. So much for the cigarette and the calming power of nicotine. "What crawled up your ass?"

"I'm going to ignore that statement for your own good, Gojyo." Hakkai crushed the cigarette and dropped it to the ground. He hadn't been getting any sleep lately and his friend was not being supportive in the least. "I've been thinking about this for the past day and a half and I've got nothing. I want to avoid a conflict as much as possible."

"Then just keep lying until we find out a way to fix this." Gojyo shrugged. "The kid's smart, but he doesn't know where we are. How would he know any better?"

"He already knows we're at least two weeks travel away." Hakkai massaged his temples and resisted the urge to pace back and forth. "So he knows that Master Sanzo is back already. He wants to go home, Gojyo."

"Well, we all want a lot of things but that doesn't mean that we're going to get it." Gojyo mumbled under his breath. "Like a cigarette."

"I heard that." Hakkai decided to not tell Gojyo there was an extra pack in his bag. The man hadn't earned one yet today. "Now please, unless you want to handle everything when it finally hits him?"

"Fine," Gojyo fingered the hair tie in his pocket and pulled it out. Taking his time, he gathered his hair into a pony tail and shook out his bangs. "I'll be the bad guy when that time comes and you don't have to worry about it."

"I don't think it'll be that easy."

"Sure it will." Gojyo snapped. "You just don't want the kid to hate you or Goku. Goku I understand, the kid'll snap if Sanzo hates him."

"Yes, that is a worry, Gojyo." Hakkai started.

"Not done yet, and you don't want him to hate you because he's your friend." Gojyo snorted. "And I forgive everything so you can just be short with me all you want."

Hakkai sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. Watched a few birds flit about in the trees behind the other man. Maybe he had been complaining to Gojyo a bit too much over the past few days. He had stressed the other man out as well and barely even noticed. "I'm sorry, Gojyo. I'm just really worried about his reaction when he finds out we have no intention of taking him home."

"What?"

"Shit." Goku cursed as Sanzo stared at Hakkai. He knew he shouldn't have let the kid win. "Kouryuu."

"Is that true?" Kouryuu could feel a little knot developing in his throat. These guys were supposed to be his friends. They weren't supposed to really be bad people. "Tell me that's not true."

Goku forced the sick feeling growing in his stomach to settle. He had to stay calm. He had to stay calm. But those violet eyes were drilling a hole straight through him, and Son Goku didn't think he could win against them. So he stayed silent and turned his head away. It didn't help. Goku could still feel those eyes groping and crawling all over him accusingly.

Goku wasn't answering him. Kouryuu's breathing was becoming more difficult as he fought against the tightness in his throat. He swung back around to Hakkai, who was frowning. Kouryuu swallowed. "I'm going home, right?"

"Time to be the bad guy." Gojyo told himself. He wouldn't let Hakkai or Goku live with that guilt. They both cared about Sanzo way too much for their own good to have to deal with the kid hating them. Gojyo would never admit that he felt the same, but in this situation he'd just have to deal with it. People don't always get what they want. "Yeah."

"Gojyo?" Kouryuu could feel the little tears pooling behind his eyes as the red-head came strutting towards him.

"What Hakkai said is right." Gojyo poised himself with a little slack in his pose, relaxed but in control. He had a part to play and it was time to be the rough and ready playboy he was so famous for. "I figure we can use you for something better than getting some dusty old piece of paper. I'm sure we can get a better payoff, just haven't figured it out yet."

"Gojyo." Hakkai reached out and took Gojyo by the sleeve as he watched Sanzo's eyes widen. He lowered his voice down a notch and leaned in close. "What are you doing?"

"Playing the bad guy, 'Kai." Gojyo brushed Hakkai's hand off his arm. Apologizing with his eyes, he turned back to Sanzo and raised his voice. "So no, you're not going home. Be a good boy and just sit tight."

"Be a good boy?" Thoughts of that creepy man with the stuffed toy started filling Kouryuu's head and he backed up a few steps. Those red eyes weren't so pretty anymore. They were piercing and reminded Kouryuu of blood more than ever. All he wanted to do was get away. "No!"

Gojyo saw the attempt to run a few steps before the kid even got a chance to move. He had a strong grip on the wrist and winced a little when Sanzo dug his nails in trying to get away. "Calm down."

"Let go!" Kouryuu was crying now. He hated himself for it, but he just couldn't stop. Things weren't supposed to be this way. Gojyo wasn't like that other man. But he was, and Kouryuu couldn't stop the tears. "You lied! I'm not going with you anymore!"

"Gojyo, you're going to hurt him." Hakkai walked over and kneeled behind Sanzo. They had to calm him down before he hurt himself struggling. Jeep fluttered about above the group but couldn't get close with Sanzo kicking and pulling. Hakkai almost envied the small dragon for having a good excuse not to get involved. "Kouryuu, we're not going to hurt you so please relax."

"Yeah, it's not so bad staying with us, is it?" Goku could barely find his voice. He was torn between helping Sanzo or Gojyo. On the one hand, he didn't want Sanzo to get hurt. But on the other, they couldn't let him leave either. Kouryuu continued to pull and cry out at Gojyo and Goku flinched. His heart was in knots and his brain hurt trying to think this whole situation through. "Is really so good running away?"

Goku's voice was the final straw in Kouryuu's book. It finally hit him what was going on and he didn't like it. "How could you? I trusted you!"

"Kouryuu?" Goku felt like he had been slapped. Those violet eyes were smoldering in a look Goku had never seen directed at him before.

"You don't care about me at all!" Kouryuu shouted and shook his head. His vision was blurred from the water but he could still see the drops littering his shirt. "You lied to me! You said I'd get to see Master soon!"

"Kouryuu," Goku mumbled. "I just didn't want you to feel bad."

"Liar! You were just being selfish." Kouryuu practically snarled. "You're just lonely so you don't want me to go home! You knew they weren't going to let me go home!"

"I," Goku stumbled over his words. "No, I don't want you to leave, but…"

"But nothing!" Kouryuu shouted through the shaky breaths. His next few words were disturbingly calm. "I hate you."

Goku visibly flinched and Hakkai nearly went to comfort the elder boy instead of Sanzo. But when the child's efforts doubled he had to try and hold him still. Hakkai prayed that things would turn out alright when this was all done with.

"Let me go." Kouryuu smacked at Gojyo's arm again and made tiny noises of frustration when it did nothing. How could he be so weak and pathetic?

"Kiddo," Gojyo tightened his grip a little and stifled the pain that flinched in his own heart. How low had he sunk to threaten a kid? A friend? "Calm down because you're not going anywhere."

"Kouryuu, you'll get hurt if you leave by yourself." Hakkai tried to put his hand on the boy's shoulder but it was smacked away. "It's in your best interest to stay."

"Shut up." The adrenaline and the need to run was flowing through Kouryuu's small veins, even if he wasn't old enough to realize what this feeling was. He would keep pulling at his wrist until Gojyo let it go. "I'm not staying with you. I can't trust you at all."

"I said, calm the hell down." Gojyo gave Sanzo a swift shake to throw him a little off balance. The boy recovered quickly enough and ye yanked him closer to get into his face. "And get over yourself."

Kouryuu decked Gojyo in the cheek.

"Kiddo, that was stupid." Gojyo didn't even flinch after the tiny smack. He hardened his face best he could in order to fight the frustrated, teary face in front of him. He was going to have to be the mean one if Sanzo was going to play that game. He'd try his best to make it up to the monk later if he ever got a chance to. "If I was really the bad guy you're thinking I am, then I would have hit you back already. And I guarantee you'd be on the ground flat on your back unconscious. So calm down and shut the hell up."

"Then hit me!" Kouryuu shouted. "What else are you going to do with me?"

"I told you I haven't figured that out yet." Gojyo yanked Sanzo's arm quickly back and then forward again to trip the boy off of his feet. Once Sanzo plopped his ass on the ground, Gojyo leaned over a bit. "So sit there and be quiet. You'll know what's going to happen to you when I do."

Hakkai watched as Sanzo gripped the dirt with his fingers helplessly, the poor boy was shaking. Gojyo was truly playing the bad guy in the situation and was probably taking cues from his own childhood. When Gojyo stuck to a plan, he saw it through to the end. Hakkai knew the theory of the other man's plan: Focus all of Kouryuu's hatred onto the one person so it wouldn't fall on himself or Goku. Speaking, Hakkai looked up at the boy and his breath caught in his throat. He nearly cursed as he realized the explosion that was about to take place. "Gojyo!"

"What?" Gojyo felt the air explode from his lungs as the fist jammed up underneath his ribcage. He choked up a small amount of blood and barely managed to hold onto Sanzo's small wrist. "What the hell are you doing, monkey?"

Goku had lost himself for a little bit when Sanzo had said those cruel words. Hearing the words 'I hate you' from Sanzo had caused all of Goku's systems to just shut down. He couldn't even begin to process them properly without a full breakdown. After recovering slightly he woke up to Gojyo shaking Sanzo and throwing him down to the ground. Goku couldn't control his rage. Sanzo hated them enough already and he would not let Gojyo hurt him. "Let him go."

Gojyo used his free hand to grip around Goku's wrist that was still lodged in his gut. "He'll run away again."

"I don't care." Goku growled fiercely. His first priority was always to protect Sanzo. "You hurt him, let him go."

"Calm down you idiot monkey." Gojyo yanked Goku's fist away and threw it back to the brat. Goku stumbled a bit but straightened again and aimed those cold golden eyes straight for him. Gojyo swallowed but kept his grip on Sanzo regardless. "It's best if he stays here."

"I'll hold him, then." Goku walked straight over and took a death grip on the wrist holding Sanzo's. With his free hand he threw his arm around Sanzo's back and pulled him up on his feet. Goku pulled Sanzo and held him close to his chest. "Let go."

Gojyo reluctantly released the boy's arm and took a few slow steps back to meet Hakkai's side. He watched Goku gradually curl around Sanzo and hold him tightly to his chest. Just those few words had affected Goku that badly. Gojyo rubbed the blood off of his lip and turned away from the scene before him when Goku dropped them both to the ground and started rocking.

Kouryuu couldn't stop crying. Goku was holding him too tightly and it was hard to breathe, and they were swaying back and forth. He was getting dizzy. Goku was mumbling something over and over again, but Kouryuu didn't want to listen. Everything hurt too much.

"Please don't go away. Please, please don't go away." Goku repeated his mantra over and over again as he held Sanzo. Nothing else mattered. Sanzo couldn't hate him. Sanzo couldn't go away.

Hakkai let Jeep fly away into the woods and couldn't blame him for wanting to get away from this depressing atmosphere. He closed the gap between him and Gojyo slowly and set a gentle hand onto the friendly shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"What the hell are we going to do, Hakkai?"

"I don't know, Gojyo. I just really don't know." Hakkai dropped to the ground himself and sat on his knees. "Everything's just fallen apart."

Gojyo ached for his cigarette.