The Words Between - part 18

There was a moment of numb recognition - and then Kyn felt suddenly, almost physically ill.

After months of separation, he had all but forgotten what Master was like - the scuff of limping step and cane, the constant, cloying, acrid scent of burned things, the keen, clear gaze set in a half-ruined visage that could convey grudging approval and the most scathing reproof all in one glance - details that he used to know as well as if they had been his own habits. All of it had faded to an amorphous specter tagged and labeled with an abstract title and unresolved emotions - until now, when it all rushed back to the forefront of his mind with a howl of outrage at the long weeks of neglect.

Master is displeased with me. He tried to replace me. And this is where he was born and raised...this was his home. His domain. He felt like an intruder, delving into matters that were not his to know. It did not matter that the revelations had been forced on him, willy nilly, with or without his consent - Master had not given his real name for a reason. Kyn had not been informed of his origins, and all had been quite deliberately hidden away and never made mention of again. The need to be informed and the guilt of knowing warred against each other, and though he knew Master could not possibly be anywhere near, he couldn't help feeling that the man's wrath would be visited upon him at any moment for his unfaithfulness and intrusion. "Who are you?" he whispered.

"An admirer. A friend. A cousin." Kyn felt the man step back, and with the extra space, he ventured to turn, muscles tight, struggling to reassert control over himself. He could almost feel the painting's eyes burning into his back with its blank gaze; with its revival, the man's ghost became an almost palpable presence, a permanent fixture in the corners of Kyn's eyes, just behind his shoulder...always tickling at the edges of his perception but remaining maddeningly out of his senses' full grasp. Maybe he has stood here before, even as I am standing here now, examining himself in the portrait...

"You look almost frighteningly alike," the baron murmured wonderingly, gaze assessing as it flicked to various points of Kyn's form. "And yet, if I were anyone else, unless I knew what to look for, stared at you straight on...I would have never known. Your mannerisms are just different enough to mislead, and with just enough compulsion to make a too-scrutinizing gaze slide past you without enough strength to draw attention to itself - it is most ingenious. But I would not have expected anything less of Jenner."

Kyn stiffened, reminded of the layers upon layers of secrets that could easily smother him if he wasn't more alert. "How did you know?"

Tarrin smiled crookedly and motioned toward the portrait. "Blood speaks to blood, Kynfaellar. I may have never had the skill your brother and uncle had, or even Sen, but I was not completely uninitiated either."

The baron knew the same tricks the duke did, then. Not to the same levels, perhaps, but it was chilling all the same. Is there no one in this cursed place who does not know all my secrets upon first sight? "The fourth tower," Kyn said softly. "The fourth tower was yours."

Tarrin chuckled darkly, sweeping out an extravagant bow as if he were being introduced at a debutante's fete. "It seems silly, does it not? Four boys playing at spells and magic as if they were knights and swordsmen. We were the scourge of the maids and staff! Invasions of rats, bread that didn't rise, items that mysteriously picked themselves up and walked off to inexplicable corners to be discovered months after they were needed...and what made it all the better," he said with a somewhat nostalgic smile, winking at Kyn, "was the fact that nobody knew."

Kyn shifted his weight, feeling uneasiness settle in the hollow pit of his stomach like a lump of stone. A clammy, cold sweat had invaded his palms, and he clenched his hands against a warning tremble, almost half hoping that it was withdrawal that was causing the symptoms rather than a fear that he couldn't control. "Who else knows?" he asked harshly. "Who else knows about me?"

The man hesitated, finally shrugging with a touch of wariness. "Aisner, most assuredly. He was always closest to Vinsen after Jenner, and he would be intimately familiar with your bloodline. He would have known long before I did who you are." Something flickered across his face, an echo of the irritation that had been directed toward the duke when he had first laid eyes on Kyn, but it was gone before anything more could be read. "But anyone else? That is hard to say. You've been disguised well, and many of the old guards and servants are no longer here."

"And who else knows about you? Of what you can do?"

Tarrin shook his head slightly, brows furrowing as he picked his words carefully. "I do not know. It used to be common knowledge when we were boys that we were especially adept at pranks, and that there were the occasional strange goings-on. But we learned to be more...'discreet' as the years passed, and nobody spoke of their suspicions, if there ever were any. Vinsen was well-practiced with his charm by the time we reached a dozen years of age after covering for all of our mistakes, and when we reached our majorities, we began to dabble less and less." He lifted one brow as he peered at Kyn, as if just reminded of something. "In fact, not long after your birth, we locked the towers away completely."

Not long after your birth. The words made something inside him tremble, and Kyn hastily banished their echoes from his mind as he forged onwards with his interrogation. If he concentrated hard enough on other things, he wouldn't remember who had lived here - who watched silently, expressionlessly, from behind him. "But you no longer practice the blood arts?"

As he spoke, the faint sounds of soles scuffing across stone echoed down the corridor. Tarrin moved quickly, with a precision that was remarkable for someone who usually projected such an air of graceless foolery. He was fast enough that Kyn nearly didn't catch him, but even as he intercepted the man's hand when it moved for his mouth, the baron was shaking his head in apology. "Forgive me," the man murmured after the footsteps had faded into silence once again without entering the hall, wincing slightly when Kyn gave his hand a warning twist before releasing him. Pulling back and rubbing his wrist, Tarrin continued in hushed tones, "I should have warned you to more caution beforehand considering my casualness with the subject, but people so rarely walk through this section that it did not occur to me until now."

Kyn eyed him suspiciously, unwilling yet to stand down. "How much do you know? What danger do you perceive?"

"Nothing certain," the baron said with all the appearance of regret. "As I said, I was the least adept of us all, used more by the others as a prop rather than a true participant. I know just enough to fool children and the unwary with magician's tricks; little more than sleight-of-hand." He paused, one hand still cradling the other, voice lowering to a furtive, intense whisper as he edged closer with an uneasy glance around. "Kynfaellar, where have you been all these years? Why have you returned? If it is to avenge yourself on Aisner...let it pass. Nothing good can come of it, and I would not see you lost a second time."

Kyn could feel his breath shortening, body unconsciously preparing itself for danger, blood quickening as a hard knot gathered at the base of his skull, throbbing relentlessly with every heartbeat. "What do you mean?" he asked warily, a hand rising in warning for the man to stay at a distance. "What do you know of the duke's activities?"

The baron halted though muscles in his jaw tightened with nervousness, gaze boring into Kyn's as if trying to impress some secret message on him. "I do not know. Though we are distantly related by blood, Aisner and I have never been as close as we would like to fool ourselves into thinking. After the fires, he grew even more withdrawn...I worried, but thought nothing of it until the death of his wife. Ever since then..." He trailed away, but no words were needed. The silence was more eloquent than anything the baron could have articulated.

"What would you see done?"

Tarrin blinked, visibly caught off guard. "What?"

"What would you see done?" Kyn repeated, urgency lending his words a rougher edge than he had initially intended, the ache growing in the back of his head into a far too familiar pain. "Do you wish Se'Fannouel to remain as duke? Do you wish to see his plans completed? Are you sworn to him?"

Tarrin's eyes widened as he shook his head sharply. "No! I mean...it is not as simple as that! I have my suspicions, but no proof. And Sen is powerful; without Vinsen or Jenner to check him..." He sucked in a sharp breath, new hope abruptly surging in his expression as he continued excitedly, "Jenner. I can see Jenner in the way you hold yourself, hear him in your words. I would not be surprised that, if anyone, he managed to survive Belahb and its fires. Where is he?"

Kyn drew back, face and voice cooling rapidly with suspicion even as he busily tried to assimilate all the new information. Belahb's fires...what happened that night? "Jenner is beyond your reach."

Tarrin opened his mouth, seemed on the verge of another protest, before understanding began to creep over his expression. "He is dead, then?" he asked softly. Kyn gazed stolidly back and did not correct him, feeling Master's stare on his back. Sighing, the baron drew a hand over his face, faint lines around his eyes and mouth growing more prominent with weariness and resignation. "I suppose it would have been far too easy anyway," he said with a flat, mirthless chuckle, gaze softening before he reached out - gesture slowed by caution - to trace the contour of Kyn's face in the air before it. "After all, we have already been granted several small miracles to see you standing here now, hale and whole, untouched."

Kyn's mouth twisted at the irony. Not untouched. Not whole, and most certainly not hale. "You may not consider it a miracle once all of this is finished," he reminded darkly, turning and walking rapidly away. His head throbbed steadily now, and he didn't think he could bear the weight of the silent, painted gaze any longer - not without turning to claw it out of the canvas.

"Kyn, wait!" He stopped, half-turning with an impatient look. "Kyn..." Tarrin began hesitantly, the hand that he had lifted in entreaty drifting back down to his side. "Kyn, I am glad to see you alive and grown," he said quietly, gaze pleading. "I would...I would like to know you better - and to see Lynxfinn's rightful lord restored."

Kyn didn't make the connection at first, staring blankly at the baron, but when he finally did, he nearly laughed aloud at the absurdity of the thought. Lynxfinn's lord? Me? "Then what of the current duke?" he asked with a sly tilt of his head. "Your...cousin, was it?"

"Yes, he is my cousin. Once removed." Tarrin's eyes flinched away guiltily. "He is not an evil man, Kyn. But he has allowed himself to become obsessed by whatever he has planned. I do not believe anymore that Lynxfinn would not come to lasting harm under his direction. Not while knowing what hand he might have had in the deaths that has occurred in this keep."

"Then why did you not stop him yourself?"

The baron's mouth twisted into a bitter smile as he spread his hands in helplessness. "It is clear you do not understand, Kyn. He is far beyond any means I may be able to rally against him. He watches me more closely than any other, knowing that I am aware of just what he is capable of. And who could I turn to without having to admit my involvement with what others frequently term 'the black arts' and face their ignorance? Even if they didn't dismiss me outright - rather than clapping me in irons - they would never listen to my warnings as to how Sen should be handled."

Kyn shifted his weight uneasily, not completely content with the baron's answer but unable to find fault with it for the moment. In the end, all he could do was warn, "Do not look to me for reassurance or solutions. I can provide neither." When the man grimaced and lowered his eyes but did not say more, Kyn left the hall, some vague thought about familiarizing himself with visual markers to supplement the building plans prompting him to pick an alternate route back to the guest rooms.

Without the baron to focus on, all of the previously suppressed emotions, fears, and uncertainties began to boil up again. He had seen the faces of his father and grandfather. He now knew the name of his mother. There had been hints of details concerning the night that had claimed their lives - claimed them, but not him. What was he supposed to feel? What was he supposed to feel toward a mother and a father he couldn't remember? What was he supposed to feel about their deaths?

What was he supposed to feel toward an uncle who pretended he wasn't?

As Kyn tried to concentrate on the turns and positioning of the corridors in relation to one another, the cold blue eyes of Master seemed to hover around every corner, just out of sight, watching him with the unwavering interest of a raptor about to stoop. Kyn's imagination relentlessly conjured up ghostly images of an arrogant young lord, clothed in the unfaded silks and velvet befitting a station just one step below royalty, striding casually down this hall...pausing at the juncture of that one to issue instructions to a servant...stopping at that window to admire the edge of the gardens visible from there...nodding briefly to an acquaintance as they passed each other in the courtyard...

Kyn halted in mid-stride, squeezing his eyes shut. If you must drive me mad, then so be it! But give me one more day. Just one.

When there was no reply, he didn't know whether he should feel disappointment or relief.

Opening his eyes gingerly, he took one long look around, sucked in a deep, trembling breath, and then continued up the stairs that led to their floor, halting before the room that Nadia had left her packs in. Knocking twice, he only had to wait a moment before hearing the latch rattle on the other side, and the healer appeared with her mouth opened on a greeting before she registered that it was him. Face immediately closing in on itself, she merely nodded curtly to him without words and stepped aside, allowing him entry.

"Brin and Brianna?" he asked as he walked past her, automatically eyeing the room's dimensions and contents.

"Brin hasn't returned yet," Nadia said, closing the door and remaining near it, arms folded before her. "Brianna is still familiarizing herself with the nearby grounds. As you 'asked' her to," she added the last with a not-so-subtle censure.

Kyn turned his head to eye her questioningly for her tone, but when all he was met by was her stubborn mien, he did not bring the point into the conversation. "Can you maintain me through the night?"

She frowned in puzzlement. "'Maintain' you?"

"I need to explore the keep further."

Genuine surprise flittered across her expression as she asked incredulously, "With no rest? No," she stated flatly.

He turned all the way to face her, clasping his hands behind his back. "Cannot, or will not?"

Nadia frowned thunderously, pointing a finger toward his chest as she stomped over. "If you want to work yourself into the ground, that's your prerogative. But I'm warning you now that you won't last more than a day or two going at that pace."

He tilted his head. "That is all I need. After tomorrow night, nothing else matters."

The sting of the slap didn't register until well after the sound had, though instincts had already captured her wrist before she could finish the swing and draw away. Jerking her close and glaring into her eyes, he gritted, "Why did you do that?"

Hazel orbs were wide but defiant in a pale face, body tensed at the pain of his grip. "I have had enough of this! What is wrong with you?" she hissed. "I do not drain myself daily to save you only to have you drop dead from exhaustion through neglect! I did not ride across half of Valdemar when I still have duties and my bonded back at the collegium to see all my efforts unravel because of your asinine behavior! Now unhand me!" There was a shrillness to her voice, a hint of desperate fury, that made him wince and do as she asked, giving just enough of a shove to separate them by a few steps. Stumbling slightly before regaining her balance, she shook her arm at him, displaying the pale imprint of his fingers that were quickly reddening with the return of circulation. "Look at this! Is this how you treat all your allies? No wonder you must threaten everyone into compliance!" she continued berating, reckless in her fury.

"Healer, desist!" Kyn said, but with less force than he might have liked. Not a little confused by the sudden outburst, he couldn't quite help leaning back slightly, if not outright stepping away from her. Reflex wanted to treat her like a threat, but he still needed her, and somewhere along the way he had stopped believing that she would consciously cause him harm. So now he stood, indecisive and off-balance, wondering what was the quickest way to deflect her temper while still convincing her to help him through the night and the next day.

"No, I will not desist, I will no longer put up with your incomprehensible behavior! What is with you, Kyn? Why are you trying to deny your Companion and Companion bond?"

"I am not denying anything!" he snapped, hating the defensiveness in his voice and struggling to regain his aplomb after the unexpected physical and then verbal attack. What did Sianni have to do with anything?

"Yes you are! Brin's Companion contacted me to contact you rather than speaking directly through Sianni...that's a fair sign of what is going on, I'd think! She can sicken from this, did you know that? You are sickening from this. If you have no care for yourself, at least have some for her!"

"It does not matter!" he seethed, hands helplessly clenching as he glared at her. Why, why did she choose now of all times to become observant and immovable? Was the entire outburst nothing more than an excuse to bring the Companion into the conversation? "Have you thought of what might happen to her if I allowed her to cleave to me as you wished? And if you have so much care for her, maybe you should convince her to make you her bonded instead!"

"How dare you," Nadia hissed, nostrils flaring with her fury. "Do you think it is something of such little consequence that it could be palmed off like a coin? And even if a Companion was able to transfer their bond at will as if it was nothing more than a title, I would! I, at least, would respect and cherish her as she should be respected and cherished. You obviously do not know the meaning of the words!"

He gritted his teeth, surprised that they did not crack at the pressure. There was no point to the conversation; neither of them would budge. He had about two candlemarks left at least, he judged, before he absolutely required her talents. It would probably be best to let tempers cool a bit, then try again later now that he knew what the central issue was and could prepare ways to skirt it. Shrugging in an effort to brush the conversation aside, he struggled to loosen the tight knot of muscles in his shoulders and neck while heading for the door. "She would not want me back anyway," the words slipped away from him before his mind could properly register his mouth's intent. "It is all for the better." His steps shortened with hesitation as what he had said sank in, and a little shiver of confusion slipped down his spine. Where had that come from? A passable excuse, but not one he had planned. Things were becoming more and more muddled in his head... It's all the healer's fault. Why does she have to dredge the waters like this?

Nadia's arm snapped out, barring his passage. "How do you know that? Have you - havens forbid - tried asking her opinion on the matter? How can you be so arrogant as to make such a decision for her?"

He stopped, waited one long moment to see if she would move aside, and when she didn't, turned stiffly to stare at her. "It is not possible, so leave the matter be. If you wish to hear a particular answer, say it aloud to yourself, for I will not parrot the words to you simply for your satisfaction."

"No, I will not leave it be when you are being so pig-headed and illogical!" she insisted stubbornly. "Why in the world would she not want you? All she's been doing for over a week is pining after you. I've been talking to Brin, and his Companion has had a lot of interesting things to say as to what's been happening. She Chose you! How do you know she would not want you if you hadn't bothered exchanging even one word with her in all that time?"

He stared at her for one long moment as something began to creep in around the edges of his irritation, slowly replacing it with bitterness and the metallic tang of futility. Why is she doing this? Why is she telling me how I should feel, how I should act - why can no one understand that I merely wished to be left along? Just for a little longer...let me finish this much, and then they can argue over what's left afterwards. He slid a step closer, forcing her to lean back in response, before saying quietly, "I know because I have spent all my life being perfect for Master. He personally trained me to serve him. He controlled every aspect of my development...and in the end, what came of all this?" He tilted his head, expression flat and bleak. "He had to send someone to replace me."

He watched with distant curiosity as Nadia's face alternately flushed and paled as she worked through several responses that died stillborn before they were voiced, and then finally stammered, "I-I don't understand..."

He could not even begin to imagine what his own face might reveal. Emptiness? Bewilderment, at how he had arrived at such a pathetic state? Perhaps even a touch of disgust at what he had just admitted, his control so shaken that he did not even have enough presence of mind to hold his tongue anymore. Did he even fully understand it himself? Would he still be so self-possessed if he did? Should he bare himself even further to possible ridicule? Well, if you must fail, then fail spectacularly, he advised himself with a silent, bitter laugh. Never settle for mediocrity, Master would say. And perhaps, if the healer were given something to mull over, she would finally release him from the absurd interrogation. Mouth curling in a humorless smile, he informed quietly, "I could not even fulfill to his satisfaction what I had been trained all my life to be. Think you that I can ever be the Herald that she or any of you wish me to be?" He shook his head slightly, smile abruptly vanishing. "It is best that you realize this now instead of wasting all our times by trying to oppose the inevitable."

"Nothing is inevitable," Nadia protested, though her voice was weak and unconvinced, the reply more reflexive than reassuring.

She does not understand. She cannot understand how you've been taken and molded and honed for one purpose alone, and if that purpose is not fulfilled, there is nothing of you left. She cannot understand how miserably you can fail, what an utter disappointment you can be. If, after given all the advantages and training possible, you still fail at your task, what hope can there be for any other that you might attempt? Icy blue eyes seemed to stare at him from just behind his left shoulder, weighing and judging, hard with censure and empty of sympathy.

Kyn shook his head abruptly, barely catching himself as the room seemed to sway with the motion, and stepped resolutely around the woman. "Everything is made for a purpose. To deny that is to deny its very definition. Though I perceive that others are disturbed by the purpose I hold to, I will not turn aside, for that would mean I discard the only meaning for my existence. If Master had not had this purpose for me, I would have joined the man and woman that conceived me in the havens over a decade ago. I was saved specifically for this, and I will see to it that I finish at least this much."

Nadia's nostrils flared as she huffed out a breath with a sound of disbelief. "You can't possibly know that! How can you ignore all the possibilities that are literally flinging themselves at you? You're not some...some...parchment to be written on and then thrown away when you've used up! You're...you're..." She spluttered to a stop, one hand unconsciously reaching up to tug on the end of her braid with a moan of frustration. "Ooh, I'm not supposed to be arguing this! I'm no mindhealer, this is Melidee's job..." she groaned with a roll of her eyes toward the ceiling.

There was a warning tremor threading through the muscles in his arms, enough that he was not sure his hands would be steady if he held them out before him. Clenching one tight, he laid the other hand on the door's latch. He didn't have the will or energy to fight the healer's accusations anymore, especially when he wasn't even sure if he was in the right or wrong of it - or even if there was a right or wrong. "Inform me when Brin or Brianna return." Barely a breath's pause, and he added belatedly, "Please," in a last effort to appease her offended sensibilities long enough to escape.

Unfortunately, it only seemed to have the opposite effect as the healer abruptly shook herself as if waking from a daze. "That word doesn't work on me anymore," Nadia asserted flatly, galvanized into action. "Come on; I'm getting to the bottom of this once and for all. We're going to see Sianni."

Kyn sighed, closing his eyes with a grimace and rubbing his forehead. "I am not going to see Sianni."

"Yes we are," Nadia insisted, and the note of inflexible resolution in her voice made him turn warily to see that she had dragged her cloak out of one of her packs, settling it over her shoulders. "You should bring your jacket. It's warmer here than in Haven, but it is settling into the middle of winter."

"I do not think you understand me, Healer," he stated coldly. "I am not going to see her."

"And I don't think you understand me," Nadia said, walking up and looking directly into his eyes with a remarkably calm demeanor. "This is neither a request, nor a threat. It is simply a statement of fact."

"I am weary," he played his last attempt at reasoning, allowing his shoulders to bow a little, hoping to incite her healer's instincts into taking pity on him - long enough to slip past. "If I promise to see her tomorrow, will you - "

"No."

He frowned. "You cannot make me speak with her."

Nadia tilted her head, one brow arching. "Perhaps, but I imagine there's nothing holding her back from speaking to you. At least, not now that she's been informed that you are merely being an idiot, rather than avoiding her out of spite."

"You didn't - " he began in angry, disbelieving tones.

"I did," she interrupted with a far too smugly innocent look. "And you really must learn to stop working yourself into these corners, Kyn. You should know by now that Companions really hate resorting to 'Speech with others simply because one of a pair is being mulish, and they tattle worse than a fishmonger's wife if they feel the subject deserving of a little shaking up."

:Kyn, Chosen, this has gone on long enough. I will not allow you to succumb to your fears. I erred in allowing my hurt to overwhelm my better judgment of who I knew you to be...:

Her remorse was a sharper pain than any hurt he had ever suffered beneath the keen edge of sharpened steel. Kyn stared, stricken, at Nadia. "Damn you," he whispered, scraping twice at the latch blindly with shaking hands before he could open the door and flee through it.

Nadia's strident voice chased him out into the hall, and he reconsidered his headlong flight toward the stairs to backtrack the three steps to his door, falling through and slamming it closed behind him just in time to lock it against the furious healer. Breaths coming in short, desperate gasps, he wondered briefly at the absurdity of his actions - flying from the slender woman's presence as if she were the duke himself - before a sudden, fierce pounding against the door made him flinch and scattered his half-conceived thoughts from his head. Staring at the wooden panel, it wasn't until the sounds on the other side had died down to mere entreaties that he moved, edging backwards to the bed and sliding gingerly onto it. Tucking his legs close, he curled his arms around them, settling his chin atop his knees so that his eyes could barely peek over them, watching the door warily.

:Kyn...:

He trembled, shutting his eyes tightly and tried to ignore Sianni.

:Stop running. You are only hurting yourself this way.:

It didn't matter. He wanted to hurt. It reminded him of what he was struggling to accomplish - without the goad of pain, he would languish completely beneath the burden. :I thought your Heraldic code included something about eavesdropping.:

:I'm not eavesdropping. Your shields cannot even be called such anymore.:

It was because he had lost the pond, the central core of complete stillness and peace into which he could sink and ice over the top, barring out the world. The entire garden was forbidden him, when he had tied it so closely to the gift that someone so desperately did not wish him to access. Left with nowhere to retreat to, his mind skittered from the corner of one restless thought to another, unable to settle in any one of them with any sense of security, much less focus, long enough to build and strengthen shields.

Nevertheless, he was left no option now except to try. He could not fend off Sianni and all the others while concentrating on the duke. Now, while he still had the strength and time, he should settle the matter once and for all.

:Kyn, things aren't desperate enough yet for you to do anything stupid! Open the door!: Nadia's voice abruptly interjected.

He didn't even bother sparing a thread of annoyance for the healer's intrusion. Instead, he blindly groped for the path to the garden while bracing himself for whatever might obstruct it, holding his breath when he staggered through the familiar, wild foliage, feeling as if he would snap at the suspense alone as he waited and waited for a retaliation that...never came. He drew to a halt at the ring of mossy lawn lining the pool's edge. A soundless sob of air left him as he slowly began to realize that thus far, nothing was being withheld from him, and as he stepped forward, he finally began to hope that he would finally be granted some respite...

Except that she was already there. Ghostly white, coat shimmering with the subtle rainbows of a soap bubble, Sianni waited patiently at the pond's right edge, gazing expectantly toward him.

Bitterness and defeat alternately raced through him like a flash fire across dry grass, leave him empty and brittle in their wake. Swaying, he reached out blindly to brace a hand against the dark, rough bark of a willow. "Are you going to deny me even this now?" Kyn whispered desolately.

:I would deny you nothing. It is only yourself who would withhold anything.: Sianni took a step toward him and he had to fight the urge to shrink back. :Why did you try to drive me away?:

Kyn swallowed, gathered what little fortitude he had left, and replied hoarsely, "Because I didn't want you."

Another step. :Do not lie to me, Chosen.:

What could he say? What would satisfy her? His reasons were myriad, yet he could not give up any one of them to take the blame wholly. They were like a swarm of mayflies - a dark, buzzing cloud that managed to occlude and shadow despite each individual insect's minute size.

:I deserve an explanation.:

He laughed humorlessly, pressing back against the tree's crooked bole. "Everyone deserves something. But they are not always so rewarded."

She shook her head with a soft whuff, taking the last few steps remaining between them until, if she extended her neck, she could touch him if she wanted. :No one can control the hands of fate, but we can control our own. Why this? Why did you do this?:

He didn't know. He was afraid of changing into something - someone - that he would no longer be able to recognize, even as he tried to change the path of the future from what he had Seen. He wanted the security of knowing that he would always have a place somewhere, even as he shunned any hold on him, wary of the hurt that such power could engender. He wanted to know that what he did now was worth the turmoil that had overcome his life...

Warm breath washed over his face, and he jerked back with a gasp, suddenly realizing that Sianni's nose was barely an inch from his own and wondering how he had missed her movement. :I apologize, Kyn, for misjudging you. I was confused, because I understood how you were...but hadn't realized that you had changed far more than any of us could have hoped for.:

Kyn trembled, meeting her summer-sky gaze before squeezing his eyes shut, cradling his head between his hands and trying desperately to merge with the willow tree at his back. "No, you can't, you don't understand, I can't let this happen - "

:I can't understand if you don't explain, Kyn.:

"The future changes too quickly," he husked, eyes opening as he dragged his hands down to hide his face, peeking blindly through spread fingers. "And it doesn't change enough. One should never trust that an early vision averted will be enough to ensure a river jumps its banks...if its bed is too deeply worn, it will only find it again downstream to continue as it had..."

:Focus, Kyn. You only need the answer to but one question, and no more.:

"I'm trying!" he cried. "But it's all tangled up...Master taught me to choose a fulcrum as close to the end as possible...only then can one be certain that the leverage would not be applied uselessly or blindly! That is why I do not See things until then, until I absolutely need to act. Anything else would only be confusion - " He paused, uncertain, remembering the words and wondering with a slow, sinking feeling if he might have acted wrongly all along.

:Kyn, you're not making any sense...:

The soft muzzle brushed across his cheek in gentle distress, lipped at the edges of his hair with an affection that squeezed his heart mercilessly until he thought it would burst. "Try to change future's path too soon," he gasped, "and it might stray only a little before wandering back to what was Seen. The only guarantee is when the key event itself occurs...that is the time when it can be deflected with certainty."

:And your attempts to drive us apart? That is one of these 'key events'?:

No...it's only an excuse...

Silence. And then nothing but a too soft, too gentle, :I'm sorry,: and Sianni turned away from him -

She was unhinging him. He thought he would be able to face that particular scene when it came, but now he knew that part of his avoidance of her had not only been an attempt to distance them, but to avoid what his Foresight had shown. He wouldn't be able to survive being discarded again.

:What was that?!: Sianni snorted, jerking back with wide eyes, mane tossing with the furious motion. :I would never abandon you!:

And Master...he couldn't cease dwelling on the man! Kyn could feel his master's presence everywhere...he had already been ruined by Master, and Sianni was standing here foolishly trying to make some sort of point and dismissing all his warnings... "You have too!" he rasped, pushing away from the tree. Was he going mad?

Would it be so terrible if you were?

"I don't See you...you weren't there, I didn't See you there..." He stumbled toward the pond, eyes fixated on the dull, oily sheen of its dark surface. He had to See...he had to know what would happen, he couldn't make any decisions anymore without the surety of knowing what was in store in the future...

:Chosen, what is the matter? What has happened to you - Nadia!:

Distantly, his body registered the sound of renewed pounding on a door. Distantly, he noted the tinge of panic in Sianni's 'Speech, the fractured dance of her shadow flickering in the edges of his vision as she sought to recapture his attention. And for a moment, he didn't think of the man - his uncle, a duke's brother, his blood relative...

The pond. He fell to his knees before it, mouth stretching in a tremulous smile as he reached out and sank his hands into the waters.

Bliss. Chill and numbing, it cooled the frantic, fevered pace of his thoughts, and his eyes closed with the welcome sensation, missing it so desperately - he had forgotten what peace felt like. He leaned forward, ready to let it claim him completely...

Something threaded its fingers through his beneath the waters.

Clasped his hands tight.

He opened his eyes - and saw the flat blue gaze of Master staring back at him.

Wow. I had three, completely different versions of this chapter written up, I swear. But none of them really jived with me, and so I kept rewriting and rewriting...and this was the final result. (And believe you me, I had no idea it would end this way...it just popped out of the blue fully-formed 3 hours ago.) Phew.

Thank you, reviewers. Know that your efforts are all very much appreciated; you are all that keeps this story going. =)

Pleeai - Welcome aboard! Thank you - that helps to ease my mind. Well, up until I haveta write him again. =P

ardent - grins Hints received. ^_~

RonethDragon Tiamat - And you think correctly. Just one more night and more day to get through!

bunny angel - Slightly less insane? o.O* But...but...where's the fun in that?! grumbles What I do for my - I mean Kyn's - fans...

Magdellin - O.O Eep...not good...though, I really can't say anything, because the few (yes, really, it was few! relatively...) times that I did such a thing too was awfully fun... Bah, if you think you sound like an idiot...well, I hope you're not offended if I say that I don't mind if you continue talking like one. ^_~ Only so long as those compliments keep coming in my direction...

But seriously, thank you very much for such extravagant praise. It's helped perked up many a gloomy-looking day. And...hangs head yes, you've caught me. It's supposed to be "Brin." However, not only am I typing "Kyn" all the time (and the 'y' then plays truant and sneaks over toward Brin) but the speller also appears to favor "Bryn" more. Thus, the poor boy gets mixed up sometimes. I noticed that mistake a couple of weeks back, but I haven't had time (or remembered yet when I did have time) to go back and fix that up.

Katriana - I will definitely keep the different types of trainees in mind as I'm writing; thanks for pointing that out. (The only problem with retroactively applying the distinction is that - well, thus far, I don't remember referencing anyone but heraldic trainees yet. =P So rather than saying 'heraldic trainee' all the time, I'm taking the shortcut, though I definitely think I can stick in a few more "blues" instead of merely "trainees". Thanks for pointing that out.) As for the mages...winces and hides head in shame Yes, I must admit I've been skirting that issue thus far. Main problem is that my memory's fuzzy around the area of their gradual reestablishment and stuff. In fact, I was hoping to quiz someone soon on the whole affair with that Karsite acolyte and the crop circles - I mean, the change circles that were some leftover magic from Urtho's time (I think? Did I get that much right, at least?) and yadda yadda yadda...ah-hem, someone please ship me my brain C.O.D. if it's found...

M'cha Araem - falls over, fanning herself Y'know, after a review like that, I almost didn't want to write anymore because I'm sure it can only go downhill from there...but I decided I had to at least make the effort. =P Hrm. As for the whole story behind the family...part 11a, I think? The last section? I'm having a hard time keeping a track of my own writing now...

Cosette Crystalline - Yup. Like I said, that one section (that's now labeled 17a) was holding the whole thing up, and once that was out, everything else could follow. And yup, I'm afraid I'm evil that way. I want to make sure you're all staying awake with me as this part of the story eventually draws to a close. =P

SCWLC - Raolian is. =) Which gets somewhat explained here...I admit I had not placed as much of an emphasis on that aspect of Companion culture than I probably should have, and you gave me a good reminder of it. Kantor's direct 'speech slid by Kyn's attention the first time due to ignorance, but he's caught on by now. I'll be watching how I write those parts in the future (if they ever pop up again) very closely.

Well, there's a bit more dialogue now, though I don't know if it's up to snuff. =P Here's to hoping it's satisfactory.